Original subtitles

[José Feliciano] One, two, one, two, three, and...

♪♪

♪ Chico, don't be discouraged ♪

♪ The Man, he ain't so hard to understand ♪

♪ Chico, if you try now ♪

♪ I know that you can lend a helping hand ♪

♪ Because there's good in everyone ♪

♪ And a new day has begun ♪

♪ You can see the morning sun if you try ♪

♪ And I know things will be better ♪

♪ Oh, yes, they will for Chico and the Man ♪

♪ Yes, they will, for Chico and the Man ♪

♪ Even though he's funny, he don't understand, yeah ♪

[groans]

[sighs, mumbling]

[yawns]

Thank you for the beautiful dream.

Ah, good morning, Ed. I'm finally awake.

I'll be the judge of that.

How'd you sleep last night, Ed?

Like this.

Hey, stick out your hand.

Now, keep moving.

Where's the owner?

- You the owner? - After the bank, I'm next in line.

What can I do for you?

- City inspector. - Oh, well, aside from a slight hangover,

there's nothing wrong with this garage.

I'll be the judge of that.

Say, what happened to the other inspector?

- His name was Al something. He was a real sweetheart. - Al Ledbetter.

- Yeah. - Yeah, he's in jail doing two to five for bribery.

Oh.

Well, that's too bad. He always had a kind word.

Yeah, the word must have been "gimme."

- Can't believe this. [mumbling] - Huh?

Excuse me?

Would you mind mumbling a little louder, Mr.-- Mr.--

- Flynn. Flynn's the name. - Flynn is it now?

[Irish accent] Oh, say, I've always been a great fan of Barry Fitzgerald.

I'd certainly hate to have you do anything

that would turn me against him.

- How-- - What?

What is all that junk doing in front of the door?

[Ed in normal voice] What door?

That door.

Oh, is that a door?

We got a door.

According to the architect's plan, that's supposed to be a fire exit.

Architect's plan? This place wasn't planned. It accumulated.

- Now, what's that in there? - Oh! Oh, well, that's just the storeroom.

Very nice and clean. Mary Poppins comes in twice a week and cleans it up.

Who are you?

I'm Mr. Brown's assistant, Chico Rodriguez.

I'm here to make sure that all city ordinances are observed.

That's my job.

No, that's my job.

Hey, listen, you seen one storeroom, you've seen them all, right?

Out of my way.

You've done it now. I told you they'd get us, man.

I told you we should have cleaned up all that junk a long time ago.

What junk are you talking about? Those are all my memories.

Yeah, well, your memories are piled up to the ceiling, brother.

- I can't believe it. - Can't believe what?

When did they hold a demolition derby in that storeroom?

Listen, you, that's my private storeroom.

And the city's not allowed to go in there.

It's on commercial property, Mac.

So what, buddy?

Excuse me, man. Buddy...

listen, those are all Mr. Brown's personal things,

things that used to belong to his late wife.

Now, why don't you be nice about it? You said your name was Flynn.

Be like all your other countrymen. Irishmen are very good-hearted.

[Irish accent] Who else but an Irishman could have written "Mother Machree,"

"Danny Boy" and "Rock Around the Clock"?

A violation is a violation.

And blarney is blarney.

This is a warning.

You have 24 hours to clear up this mess,

or I'm going to slap a $300 fine on you.

I got some news for you, Mac.

No, wait a minute. You're "Mac." He's "buddy."

Oh.

I never liked Barry Fitzgerald!

How do you like that?

I like it.

It's a golden opportunity.

We kill two birds with one stone--

sell all the junk, get rid of it, make some money.

- We have a garage sale. - Garage sale?

What are you talking about, a garage sale?

Who could ever...

Garage sale? Hey, that's a great idea.

If we sell the garage, we don't have to pay the fine.

We sell everything in the garage.

You mean I have to sell all my memories to strangers?

If your friends won't buy them, why not?

Yeah, but I've had those things for 30 years.

Can't we just clean the place up?

The only way to clean it up is to clean it out.

[Ed] Hurry, hurry, hurry, folks!

Right this way for the big garage sale!

Step right inside and see that exotic French muffler

do a snake dance.

And an old Hupmobile from which we have an ignition key

that is guaranteed to turn you on.

Two round headlights imported direct from Denmark

that will brighten up your night.

And for all you broad-minded gentlemen, direct from Paris,

a tire guaranteed for 40,000 miles.

Listen to her squeal as she hugs the curves

doing 80 miles an hour.

At this time--

Get away from me, son. You're bothering me.

Boys Town is 2,000 miles that way.

Alright. Hurry, hurry, hurry, folks. We've got everything.

Everything to suit your taste and your pocketbook.

And--

I told you, son, come back when you've grown up.

So hurry, hurry, hurry, folks. Don't waste your time.

How many times do I have to--

Oh. Yes, folks. Hurry, hurry, hurry. Now's the time to get it.

Yes, ladies. Right this way.

You'll find the boutique right up against the workbench.

I'm glad to see you getting into the spirit of it, Ed.

What spirit? I can't afford to pay a $300 fine.

I don't think this hangs properly, Althea.

Lucille, you're trying on a set of drapes.

Oh!

How does this look?

I don't know, Althea.

[voice lowered] Althea, may I intrude? I think it's definitely you.

Do you really think so?

But on what occasion could I wear it?

Well, there is the Alice Cooper concert next week.

Althea, who is Alice Cooper?

She's the soloist with the Cleveland Symphony Orchestra.

Uh, do you have a try-on room?

The alley, lady.

I think it's quaint.

It's one-of-a-kind.

I'll think about it.

Very well.

[normal voice] We got a couple of live ones.

They don't like customers to me.

They look more like a couple of old browser bags.

People never buy the first thing they see.

Oh.

It's my sister Lucille's birthday,

and I'd love to surprise her.

You want to surprise her? Don't invite her to the party.

You know what she would love?

A canoe.

Have you got a canoe?

No, but I've got a dinghy.

Oh, that would never do. She's allergic to fur.

Yeah.

[honk]

[honking]

Okay, unless you're a 1929 Ford, you're in big trouble.

Hand it over.

Out.

[clanking, chiming]

Hey, Rudy! How's the bar business going?

Ask my partner, the government.

- Hey, Ed, what are you selling? - Bargains.

Everything is so cheap here, if I sell out, I lose $60.

Come here, Rudy. Let me show you some real bargains.

What kind of car do you drive?

A dented '63 Plymouth.

What a coincidence.

Here's a dented '63 license plate.

Okay, you want to see something really terrific?

Are you ready? The pièce de résistance.

Ooh, it's beautiful.

What is it?

It? That's a she.

That was the centerfold of Popular Mechanics.

What does she do?

Put her in the sunlight and watch her undulate.

Ooh. How much?

For you, five bucks.

Five bucks? You kidding?

Am I kidding, man? This is an X-rated statue.

I could lose my license.

It's a deal.

I'll put it in a paper bag for you.

How much?

That's $5, lady.

$5 for a wooden bowl?

Why, I can get a new one like that up the street for 49 cents.

Lady, the reason for that is this bowl is part of my life.

I planted the tree from which this bowl came.

I watered it. I nursed it. I watched it grow.

And twice a week, I'd go into the forest

and scrape the birds off its branches.

And when that tree had matured,

I went into the forest and chopped it down,

and I cut it up into little pieces.

And from one of those pieces, I made this little bowl.

And after I'd finished this little bowl,

I put 27 coats of varnish on it till it shone like a mirror.

And for the last 16 years,

I've had my oatmeal every day from this bowl.

And you have the unmitigated gall

to offer me 49 cents for this beautiful object.

I'll give you 60 cents.

I'll take it.

How much?

$4.

I'll give you 25 cents.

Lady, I don't have time to go through another story.

Give me the $4 or get out of here.

How rude you are.

Lucille, give him back his bowl, and let's get out of here.

You are a cruel man.

He chases birds out of trees.

And old bitties out of garages!

Ed, you really don't know how to do business.

There's an old Spanish saying... [speaking Spanish]

What does that mean?

- The customer is always right. - Oh!

- Hello. - Hello.

- My card. - Hello. His card.

Hello. Oh.

"A. Robert Ralston."

Yes, sir. What can we do for you?

Mind if I look around? My hobby is antique cars.

I spend all my time with them. Excuse me.

What's the matter? He don't like girls?

How about $18 for this Marmon hubcap?

$18?

I could say $25.

- Well, say it. - $25.

You got a deal.

I'll wrap it up for you.

Don't wrap it. Just polish it up.

I'll be back for it in one hour.

Oh, hello, Flynn. What do you want?

Your time is up.

We need another 24 hours.

Okay, I'll give you 24 hours more.

If the mess isn't cleared up by then,

I'm going to double the fine.

Say, listen, I got something I think might interest you.

Step right over here. It's from a 1932 Pierce-Arrow.

Oh, really? A friend of mine is very much into Pierce-Arrows.

Yeah, well, it's a, uh, radiator cap.

A radiator cap? Now, those are very rare.

This guy would definitely be interested.

Yeah, that's good, because-- Where's that radiator cap?

What radiator cap is that, Ed?

You know the one, with the streamlined lady

who's standing like this.

How much would a thing like that be worth?

A thing like that would be worth in the neighborhood of $500.

That's a very interesting neighborhood.

Uh, Ed, uh, could I speak to you for a minute?

- Yes. - [clears throat]

[speaks Spanish]

Uh, Ed, you're not going to find the radiator cap.

Not going to find the radiator cap? How come?

Uh, you're going to kill me.

Why?

I sold it.

- No. - Yes.

- No. - Yes.

- No. - Why do you keep saying no?

I'm talking to the part of me that wants to kill you.

Who did you sell it to?

To Rudy the bartender for five bucks.

I got to kill him. I got to kill him.

Oh!

Just look who's come in.

Those people from the garage sale.

I think we ought to forgive him.

- You really do? - Oh, yes.

Very well.

You go and tell him we forgive him.

And while you're there, order two more martinis.

What do you want?

My sister and I forgive you.

Lady, why don't you and your sister get lost?

Well, I never!

That I can believe.

Rudy, two martinis, please.

Hey, Ed, Chico, what are you guys doing here?

Well, we had a little break, so we thought we'd visit our favorite bar and grill.

Yeah? What'll you have?

Alright, give me a beer.

And I'll have a rum and coke, hold the rum.

[slurring] Sir, I have some terrible news for you.

Elizabeth and Robert Browning hated each other.

Well, I'm not too crazy about you, either.

- Ed? - What?

You know you're going to have to tell Rudy the truth

- if you want that ornament back. - I'm only going to tell him

as much as I think he has to know.

Checkmate.

Hey, how'd you do at the garage sale?

Terrific. We sold almost everything.

And a couple of things we didn't want to sell.

Hey, that reminds me, that thing up there,

that, uh, ornament, looks pretty good on that shelf.

Yeah. Ain't she beautiful?

Hey, Chico, I held it up to the sun for an hour,

and she never undulated.

Must have been a smoggy day.

Chico, did you con my friend

into buying that ridiculous thing?

Oh, don't blame him, Ed.

The lady just didn't cooperate, that's all.

Ladies, your martinis are ready.

[Althea] Coming, Rudy.

You made my sister cry.

Uh-oh.

The loonies are here again.

We are not the Loonies.

The Loonies moved to Virginia.

- We are the Nelson sisters. - Oh.

Ed, you shouldn't talk to that nice lady like that.

Let's get back to the ornament.

No one's ever going to say that an employee of mine

pulled a fast one on one of my friends.

Give him his $10 back.

I only paid five.

Yeah, but a dissatisfied customer

gets double his money back.

But I'm not dissatisfied.

In that case, just give him the five.

Oh. Excuse me.

Ed, it's no use. He likes the ornament, man.

Well, in that case, it may go as high as $15.

[slurring] And Hamlet's problem was poor toilet training.

Thank you, Dr. Spock.

Ed, if you do anything underhanded,

it's going to be on your conscience.

Yeah, as long as it's not on my books.

- Say, Rudy, you know, you really got a nice place here. - Yeah? Thanks.

And that little lady looks beautiful up there on the shelf.

But I'm a sentimental man, and I'd like to have it back.

I'll give you $20 for it.

I'd give it back to you for five.

Except it don't belong to me anymore.

Well, it's behind your bar.

It belongs to the Nelson sisters. They bought it.

How much did they pay for it?

50 bucks.

[both] 50 bucks?! You're a thief.

So? Call a cop.

Listen, we got to get that thing back.

Everybody's making money off it but us.

You ain't kidding.

[slurring] He who acts as his own lawyer

has a fool for a client.

Say, why don't you go outside and drink in traffic?

Oh, okay.

What are we going to do?

Well, I'm going to make the big push.

How are you going to do that?

I'm going to forgive the Nelson sisters.

How are you going to soften them up?

With charm. Watch this.

Follow the master.

Ladies.

Pay no attention to him, Lucille.

May I say I've never seen two more attractive women?

And I behaved like a brute.

Like a creep. Like a lousy, no-good--

I made the point already.

Can you forgive me?

He's a veteran.

May I sit down?

Only if you pick up the check.

If it's not too heavy.

May I sit down?

Only if you are not married.

Well, deal me in.

- Now, ladies, Rudy certainly has a lovely place here, doesn't he? - Lovely.

And I love all those knickknacks on the shelf there, don't you?

In particular, the, uh, Pierce-Arrow hood ornament

that we sold to him at our garage sale this afternoon.

Oh, well, he doesn't own it anymore. We bought it from him.

Is that so? That's very interesting.

He never mentioned that to us, did he?

- Well, Ed, he probably didn't want to hurt your feelings. - Yeah.

- He knows how much it means to you. - Yes.

Well, you see, it has no monetary value

but a tremendous sentimental value.

- Oh, really? - Yes.

You see, I was born in the backseat

of the very car from which this ornament came.

Isn't that strange?

Because it also has a sentimental value for us.

It looks exactly like our first nanny.

- [Ed] Really? - She died.

We buried her on the side of the hill with her dog.

[Ed] Oh.

Let's see you top that one, Prince Charming.

Well, uh, uh...

what are you going to do with it?

We're going to put it on her grave.

- Where's the cemetery? - Ed!

I'll call the cops on you in a minute.

Will you excuse us for a minute?

Yeah.

Ed, it's not working. They don't believe it.

It's not easy. They're pretty stupid.

So far, their stupidity has won out over your brains.

Now, why do you want it?

Well, as I explained before, you see, I'm a very sentimental man.

Please, tell us the truth.

The truth.

Well, the truth is--

Hold it. The truth might have slipped away from you.

You tell us, young man.

Yeah, you tell the truth, but remember who you're working for.

Well, the truth is, after I sold the ornament,

this man came in who was very knowledgeable with antique cars

and told us that the ornament was worth a lot of bread.

You just lost your pension.

- Bread? - Dough.

- Dinero. - Money.

Oh. Bread!

Just as we suspected, Lucille.

Well, how much is a lot of bread?

Well, to some people, a lot is a little.

To other people, a little is a lot.

Depends who you are. Or vice versa.

I'll tell you something.

Whatever you get for it, we get half.

Half? You got to be kidding.

You have no legal right to it. He had no right to sell it.

And if I get myself a good lawyer...

[both] Half.

Half.

Proof once again that stupidity wins out over brains.

There you go.

Oh, thanks very much for polishing up my Marmon.

What? You alright, man?

You don't have to wrap it. I'll just mount it here.

You're not alright.

Hey, I've got something very interesting to show you.

Step right over here. Take a good look at this.

Bravo. Bravo.

1932 Pierce-Arrow.

It's beautiful.

And it's going for only $500.

Fantastic.

But due to additional expenses incurred,

the price is now $600.

Worth every penny of it.

That's why we're asking $700 cash.

I'm sure you'll be able to get it from someone.

Thank you.

Hey, wait a minute. That includes free gift wrapping.

Oh, it's not for me. I don't want it.

Just went back to $600.

No, I wouldn't give you a nickel for it. I don't collect them.

$500.

What happened to your friend who was into Pierce-Arrows?

He died.

What happened to the car?

They buried him in it.

It must have been a beautiful ceremony.

Not a bad polish job, either.

Ciao.

$400?

You know, with a little help from your senator,

this place could be declared a disaster area.

Look, just give me the citations.

Never mind the lecture.

Brown, I don't enjoy giving citations.

Say, didn't this come from the hood of a Pierce-Arrow?

That's right.

Beautiful.

Hey, what are you doing?

I'm writing you a couple of citations.

You know, it's odd.

That would look very good in my den.

Well, it's for sale. We already got four offers,

one from the cemetery.

Well, let's dicker.

$50. End of dickering.

Wait a minute.

And I won't write any more citations.

Okay. You got a deal.

Thank you, gentlemen.

Brown, you're lucky I'm an easygoing guy.

But, please, next time I come back here,

would you clean up the mess?

How about that?

How about this junk? What are we going to do with it now?

I'll tell you what we're going to do.

Hurry, hurry, hurry, folks, step right up.

Having a big garage sale going here.

Step right inside and watch the...

Hello again.

Well, here comes Heckle and Jeckle.

Ed, can't you be nice?

Well, what did you get for our little Pierce-Arrow lady?

Ladies, we got $50.

Oh, well, then we get $25.

But we paid $50.

I know. They're terrible businessmen.

But don't embarrass them.

Well, isn't that wonderful? We made $25.

- And here's your share of the profit, ladies. - Thank you.

And because it was such a wonderful business transaction,

Mr. Brown and I are going to take you to dinner tonight.

- Aren't we? - Yeah.

Well, how nice.

Will you be my date, Althea?

Thank you.

Well, then you're mine.

Okay, let's get it over with.

♪♪

[announcer] "Chico and the Man" was recorded live

before a studio audience at NBC Studios,

Burbank, California.

♪♪

[José Feliciano] ♪ Chico was born in El Barrio ♪

♪ Spent much of his time in the street ♪

♪ His mind was craving for knowledge ♪

♪ His belly for something to eat ♪

♪ But times are hard ♪

♪ For Chico and the Man ♪

♪ Times are hard ♪

♪ For Chico and the Man ♪

♪ Hey, hey, hey, alright ♪