Original subtitles

[José Feliciano] One, two, a-one, two, three and...

[guitar playing]

♪ Chico, don't be discouraged ♪

♪ The Man, he ain't so hard to understand ♪

♪ Chico, if you try now ♪

♪ I know that you can lend a helping hand ♪

♪ Because there's good in everyone ♪

♪ And a new day has begun ♪

♪ You can see the morning sun if you try ♪

♪ And I know things will be better ♪

♪ Oh, yes, they will for Chico and the Man ♪

♪ Yes, they will for Chico and the Man ♪

♪ Even though he's funny, he don't understand, yeah ♪

[humming]

Hey! What are you doing?

What's it look like I'm doing? I'm changing a tire, man.

You're changing a tire on that van?

It's been sitting there for four years.

I had an accident yesterday. I was almost killed.

It blew out.

How could you get killed in a stationary vehicle?

Well, see, I was sleeping in bed, and the tire blew,

and I fell out of bed.

Almost had a nasty accident, man.

Well, I got a better idea.

Why don't, instead of fixing the tire,

why don't you just let the air out of the other three?

That'd be like living in the basement.

Hey, Ed, man, I need a favor. Could I have an advance?

I want to do some redecorating.

Again?

You spend more money on that van

than the government spends on the space program.

[effeminately] I saw a picture of a rug in "House Beautiful"

that I simply must have.

Well, why don't you cut the picture out and frame it?

[normal voice] Come on, Ed! You owe me from last week.

I'm shocked that you of all people

should threaten a beautiful relationship

by bringing up such an ugly subject as money.

You still owe me, man. I want that rug.

Okay, I'll weave you one as soon as I get a chance.

Come on, Ed. Let me have a 20.

I thought you wanted to be a partner

and share in the profits.

I do.

Well, last week we lost $90. Your share is $45.

- Are you saying I owe you $45? - 50/50.

Nice thing about working here is when you go on unemployment,

it's a step up.

Why don't you step over to the bank and deposit this check?

Hey, this check's for $200.

Of course it is. I have to pay back the loan.

Don't you remember when I borrowed $2,000

to buy those spare parts?

Do you have to pay them back this month?

Well, not really, but I made an agreement with the bank.

If I don't pay on time, they have a right to come over

and repossess you.

Don't worry, man.

When things are looking this bad,

something usually turns up.

Yeah, and it's usually the sheriff.

I don't worry, Chico. Poverty and I are old friends.

Were you poor, too, when you were little?

Poor?

I was so poor that the rich kids in my neighborhood were black.

You tell some funny lies.

Yeah?

You think that's a funny lie, wait till you hear the one

I tell the bank the next time they want a payment.

[Chico] I'll see you later.

[Ed] Okay. Pedal defensively.

[humming]

Hey. Hi, Louie.

Oh, good morning, Ed!

How are you feeling this morning?

Pretty good. How do you feel?

Oh, my eyes are strained from too much reading.

Oh, really? What have you been reading?

Oh, a lot of trash.

Yeah?

Well, why don't you read some good books for a change?

No, this trash.

Well, let's see what we got here.

I got a couple of things for Chico.

Anything for me there?

Two for Chico. And these bills are for you.

Hey, Ed, ain't you worried about paying those bills?

No, let the people who send them to me worry.

No sense both of us worrying.

Louie, let me tell you something.

Things are so bad that unless half the accidents

that happen in this town occur in front of my garage,

I'm going to be in big trouble.

If you're hurting for bread, you can always ask me.

Oh, that's very sweet of you, Louie, but no, thanks.

Why not? We're friends, Ed.

You helped me when I needed it.

Yeah, but you paid me back. I'm not that reliable.

[horn honking]

- [Louie] You know something? - [Ed] What?

[Louie] Things are looking up. You got a customer.

- [Ed] Say, how about that? - [Louie] Yeah.

- [Ed] See you around, Louie. - [Louie] Okay.

Yes, sir. What can I do for you?

Fill her up.

Regular or supreme?

How should I know?

I never used this kind of gas before.

How high is your octane?

I asked for money, and you send me a chemist.

Well, what is it?

What would you like your octane rating to be?

At least 93.

You're in luck. That's just what I carry.

Before you pump the gas,

I want you to clean the windshield.

You want the windshield cleaned?

- [man] Yeah. - [Ed] Okay.

Now put your windshield wipers on

and get out of here before I charge you for a car wash!

You're a mean, miserable man!

That's true.

Why do you stay in business?

Because I'm too old to play second base for the Dodgers.

Hey, Ed.

What?

- [Chico] I saw the whole number. - [Ed] Yeah?

You missed your calling.

You should have been in the diplomatic corps.

Never mind that. Did you deposit the money?

Yeah, I deposited it. Here's your book.

Good.

You know, I was thinking how we can get out

of this financial bind we're in.

I think I came up with the answer.

- [Ed] Yeah? - [Chico] Look at the facts.

- We owe $2,000 to one bank, right? - Right.

We go to another bank, borrow $3,000, pay off the $2,000 loan,

and then we got a thousand bucks to play with.

How are we going to pay back the $3,000?

You're way ahead of me. We go to another bank,

borrow $4,000, pay off the $3,000 loan.

Then we got $2,000 to play with.

Look -- the last time I went to the bank to borrow $2,000,

the bank sent a vice president with a big mouth up to the roof,

and he hollered in four directions,

"Ed Brown owes us $2,000! Ed Brown owes us $2,000!"

Ed, Ed, Ed,

there must be some bank that doesn't know you owe $2,000.

No? You want to know how bad my credit is?

Let me tell you something.

I could get on a plane right now,

get off in Hong Kong,

board a train that would take me a thousand miles

to the edge of a jungle, where I would rent a donkey

and ride through that jungle until I came

to the foot of a mountain.

At the foot of that mountain,

I would pick up a couple of guides,

and we would struggle to the top of that mountain.

At the top of that mountain, there would be a small cabin.

In the corner of that cabin, there would be a small bank.

Seated behind a cage

in the corner of that bank would be a little man.

I would walk over to that little man,

and I would say, "I'm Ed Brown, and I want to borrow $3,000."

And he would just look up and say,

"Ed Brown already owes us $2,000."

Okay, okay. You made your point.

But there are other places to borrow money besides banks.

Well, we could go to "Break a Leg" Kelly.

There's only one problem.

If you don't pay in time, he takes your shoe.

And by a strange coincidence, your leg would be in it.

Man, you got to have faith.

No, no, I got to have a drink.

Your mail is on the workbench.

Thank you.

Let's see.

[mumbling]

[cash register dings]

I told you to have faith.

Here's the answer to our problem in this letter.

What happened?

A relative died and left you a bundle?

Close enough -- it's your relative and my relative.

It's from Uncle Sam.

Uncle Sam. What does he want?

For a change, nothing.

He's telling me I should take advantage

of the benefits available to me in the Veterans Administration.

He is, huh? Well...

Dig this.

If we both enlist, we can get $2,000 apiece.

Well, we ought to get something out of the Army.

The only thing I ever wanted to get out of the Army was me.

You were a hero.

Who said that?

Well, you were wounded.

No, that didn't make me a hero.

Well, you got the Purple Heart.

I never got a Purple Heart.

If you were wounded, you had to get the Purple Heart.

Where were you stationed, in Europe or in the Pacific?

No, in between -- New Orleans.

And since I know you can keep a secret,

I'll tell you how the whole thing happened.

You see, during the war, if a soldier was lonely,

there was a section in New Orleans

where a fellow could go to any house on the block

and have his blues chased away.

You son of my gun. - [Ed] Yeah.

Well, I was in that section one day

because they had a lot of beautiful houses there,

and my hobby was early French architecture.

Well, I had my eye on a small house

because there were a group on the stoop

which consisted of two soldiers,

a very attractive young lady, and a fellow in a beret,

and they were having a big argument, obviously,

about money.

Well, a fight started.

The girl started to scream. The soldiers ran away.

The fellow in the beret pulled out a gun and started shooting.

The bullet ricocheted off the ground

and hit me right in the heart.

That's how you were wounded?!

Yeah. Now, don't laugh.

Don't laugh because I was bleeding all over the place.

Did they ever get the lead out?

No. You see, I had to get out of the Signal Corps

because every time I turned my back on the radar,

they received enemy-aircraft warnings.

Well, you should have gone to the Veterans Administration

and gotten disability.

No, I tried that, but it didn't work.

Ed, you can't just lay down this way.

You got to stand up for your rights.

Stick your chest out.

I stuck something else out and look what happened.

No, no, my disability isn't going to help

our economic situation.

Ed, we're both veterans.

Between the two of us, we can swing a VA loan.

No.

No, the government doesn't owe me anything,

and I don't know the government anything.

Are you kidding?

If you hadn't have been in New Orleans

working for the Army,

you would have never been wounded.

Remember the words of Marlon Brando

in the "Young Lions" to the German troops.

[as Brando] Soldiers, I don't want any dead heroes.

Make the enemy dead heroes, and when this war is over,

go into the Veterans Administration.

And I want you to go in there and be proud.

Ask for $15,000, $10,000, $25,000.

And I'm sorry, but if this picture wins an Academy Award,

I can't accept it.

[normal voice] Or remember Jimmy Cagney.

You can't turn your back on Jimmy Cagney.

That's from your time.

[as Cagney] Now, Ed,

you're a Yankee-doodle dandy, and you're a Yankee-doodle guy,

a real live nephew of your Uncle Sam.

So, don't be afraid to ask your uncle for money.

[as Wayne] And in the immortal words

of John Wayne at Guadalcanal--

I'm not going.

[normal voice] Ed, I'll take full responsibility.

I don't want any more trouble.

Would you do it for me, please?

Well, I'll have to think it over.

While you're thinking it over, put on a clean shirt,

take that hat off, and comb your hair, will you?

[as Cagney] I'm a Yankee-doodle dandy.

You're a Yankee-doodle guy.

No one seems to realize that war is a lot of paperwork.

It's just one war right after the other.

Never gives you a chance to catch up.

I knew war had to have a bad side to it.

Now listen. We've been here for two hours.

We've been to four different offices.

When are you going to take care of us, Sheldon?

My name is Mr. Sheldon. What's yours?

Mr. Ed Brown.

My name is Mr. Chico Rodriguez.

Oh, I got your records right here, Mr. Rodriguez.

Sit down.

Now, where were your parents born?

Well, my father's Mexican, my mother's Puerto Rican,

and my grandmother speaks a little Hungarian.

What's that make you?

It makes him an American.

Now...

Hey...

Where are my records?

I don't have your records!

Why not?

First of all, we have to determine

if you were in the service.

Certainly I was in the service.

I was in the Army for four years.

Did you give Desk "A" your name, rank, and serial number?

Well, I gave him my name and rank,

but I couldn't give him my serial number

because I forgot it.

He forgot his serial number? I can't believe that.

I haven't used it for over 30 years.

Didn't you save your dog tags?

You got to be kidding.

Does this look...

Does that look like I'm kidding?!

Come on, Chico. Let's get out of here.

Hey, wait a minute, Ed. We came this far.

Where are his records, man?

We can't find them.

Can't find my records?

You could find General Rommel in Africa.

Why can't you find my records?

All right.

Hello, Harold. I'm sorry to bother you,

but I got an S-2105 up here. Would you GR-603 him?

If that doesn't work, give him an R-916--

Brown, Edward.

What war were you in?

The Spanish-American War with Teddy Roosevelt.

He was in World War II.

World War II, Harold.

Will you put a rush on it? It's migraine time.

Thank you, Harold.

Alright, would you sit down, young man?

No, let him sit.

Thank you, Chief.

No, you can't sit down! You're not officially here.

Rodriguez, sit down.

Now, what can your government do for you?

Well, I want to borrow some money.

[Sheldon] How much money?

$10,000.

You can't have a dime until we find your records!

[telephone rings]

Oh? Oh, yes, Harold. Yes, right. Uh-huh, uh-huh. Right.

Thank you. Thank you, Harold. Uh-huh.

Were you ever stationed in New Orleans?

Dig, that's where he was wounded.

Shh! Quiet. Quiet.

How did you get wounded in New Orleans?

I ran into a German patrol.

How do I know that you're the Ed Brown that was wounded?

I'll prove it to you.

Yeah! No, no, that's not necessary.

I'm entitled to all the veterans benefits

that the Army can give me.

Entitled? The VA doesn't pay for soldiers

who were wounded in a house of joy.

Hey, it was outside the house of joy.

Harold says he was arrested inside the house of joy!

Why does Harold know about it? He wasn't there.

Now, listen. I was inside because it's against the law

to bleed on the sidewalks of New Orleans.

Mr. Brown, you should be ashamed of yourself!

A man of your age trying to cheat the government.

Hey, you can't call him a cheater.

You didn't give him the loan yet.

What loan? Isn't he here to get a disability pension?

Oh, man. We're just here to get a VA loan.

Oh, well, I'm sorry for the misunderstanding.

Now, what's the purpose of this loan?

Well, I want to add a penthouse to my garage.

You know, we give free shock treatments here.

Man, we just came here for a loan.

Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Wounded veterans first.

That's me.

Now, let me tell you what you're entitled to here, Sergeant.

All right, tell me.

First of all, all burials are free.

At least the price is right.

Of course, you're also entitled to a bugler playing "Taps."

The government will pay half the cost of the bugler.

You think we can get Harry James?

Don't worry. I'll get you Tito Puente and his orchestra.

However, if you're a man who doesn't care for ceremony,

the government without charge to you

will play "Taps" on a tape recorder.

I think I'll take a dozen of those shock treatments.

And when they pull the switch,

I'd like you to be holding my hand.

Hey, man, how many times do I have to tell you?

We just came here for a loan for our business.

Look -- you're wasting our time.

We don't give business loans.

However, we don't like anybody

to walk out of here empty-handed.

So, let me give you a couple of window decals for your car.

Here's a nice one. "Don't forget. Hire a vet."

[laughs]

That's very nice, man, but I already got a job, man,

and we came here for a loan.

Oh, there I'm afraid we can't help you.

Ah, here's another pamphlet

that will explain on-the-job training under the GI Bill.

What's this all about?

Well, it just means that if you're learning a trade

under an approved facility,

the government will pay you $160 a month,

and the instructor gets $80 a month.

Oh, yeah?

What a coincidence. I happen to know such a facility,

don't I?

Really?

♪ Cheers, cheers for old Edward Brown ♪

♪ He will bring us fame and renown ♪

♪ Our old alma mater is grand ♪

♪ The greatest school in the whole darn land ♪

♪ Ba-dum ♪

Hey, Ed, can't you see it all now?

It'll be the biggest school in the country.

Oh, man, it'll be dynamite.

We'll have our own football team,

our own basketball team.

I see the whole cheerleaders right now.

Man, they'll be cheering, going, "Fight, Ed Brown.

Fight. Fight on to victory.

Yes, sir!"

What do you think of the Ed Brown Automotive School?

All I can say, if this doesn't work out,

we're going to wind up in jail.

Ed, it's legitimate, man.

You know more about cars than I do,

so that makes you the teacher and me the pupil.

When that guy from the VA comes in to inspect us,

any question you ask me, I'll answer,

and then we'll get accredited. - [Ed] Oh.

Now sign this, will you?

What is it?

It's a report card.

Report card?

Why do I have to sign a report card?

I have to have a progress report

so that I can get paid.

This shows all the various courses I'm taking.

What courses?

Introduction to Greasing 101A,

Philosophy of Lubrication,

and the Historical Significance of Maintenance,

things like that.

You know, just sign it.

What are you shaking your head about?

No, I don't think you ought to do that.

You can't back out now, Ed.

What do you mean I can't back out?

I shouldn't have allowed you to drag me into this

in the first place.

Desperate conditions call for desperate actions.

Yeah, I may be desperate, but I'm not dishonest.

Ed, there's nothing dishonest about it.

You're entitled. Now here, take this.

Well...

Man, you're more entitled than anybody.

I don't think I ought to--

You didn't want to go to war.

Yeah.

But you went.

Yes.

You didn't want to go overseas, but you did.

You didn't want to stick your life on the line,

but you stuck it.

Edward.

You're the inspector?

Who did you expect, Colonel Sanders?

Come on in, Mr. Sheldon.

We're just getting ready to start school.

School? You call this grease pit a school?

Well, Professor Brown doesn't believe

in all that classroom frill and theory.

He doesn't believe in ventilation, either.

A man could die in here.

Now tell me. Just how large is the student body?

Six foot two, 185 pounds.

You only have one student?

How many schools do you know

have one instructor to every student?

An educational facility of this type needs certain

minimum safety standards.

Well, that's why we got certain minimum safety standards.

With all the smells around here,

how would you know if you had a gas leak?

I have a canary that sings.

What canary?

The canary that sings in my room.

When it stops singing, I know we're in trouble.

Mr. Sheldon, could we please start?

I want to show Professor Brown I did my homework.

Sit over here, sir.

Alright, let's get down to business.

First, we have to call the roll. Rodriguez?

Here!

Okay.

Class will begin.

Wait, wait!

I'm sorry I'm late for class, teacher,

but you know we got a busing problem.

This man is a pupil?

This man is auditing the class. He's an apprentice.

Are you a veteran?

I ain't missed a war in 60 years.

What's your profession?

I drive a garbage truck.

And this school is going to come mighty handy

if my truck ever breaks down.

Alright, let's get down to business.

Mr. Rodriguez, you first.

In a V-8 engine at 60 miles an hour,

each cylinder goes through a cycle 1,200 times per minute.

That's a very good answer, but what was the question?

What's the difference? He answered it, didn't he?

Don't mix him up.

Now, Mr. Wilson, I'm going to ask you to look around the room

and see if you can pick out a shock absorber.

Yes, sir, Professor.

Here's a shock absorber!

Oh, very good, Mr. Wilson. Thank you.

You're welcome.

Good. Very good. Sit down.

Now, Mr. Wilson, I'm going to ask you to perform another feat.

I'm going to ask you to look around the room again

and see if you can pick out another shock absorber.

Well, I'll try, but, you know, this is my first day in class.

What kind of foolish charade is this?!

Don't mess him up, man! He might miss.

That's ridiculous!

There's another shock absorber right next to him.

Good heavens, you showed him the answer!

Are you trying to make a fool

out of the Veterans Administration?

If you represent them, it won't be difficult.

Gentlemen, now, I came here to learn, man.

Yes, and I'm going to teach you something.

You're not going to pull this rip-off on me.

When I get through with my report to the government,

you won't get five cents!

Never fails.

Every time I try to go to school, trouble starts.

Mr. Sheldon, please. Let us work the bugs out.

It's only the first day.

It's your last day!

If you let us keep the school, we'll get better, I'm sure.

I may even sue you for attempted fraud.

Listen, one more word out of you,

and I'm going to blow a gasket, you hear?

Now, here's another shock absorber, right there!

Come on, Ed. Let's go get our coffee.

Okay.

Chico, you want me to bring you back a jelly doughnut?

Yeah, that'd be nice.

Boy, look at this magnet. It's really strong, man.

It's picking up these metal chips like nothing.

We'll get this done in no time.

Come on, Ed. You ready?

Yeah. What does it look like out?

It's sunny.

Yeah, but not for long.

Battle of New Orleans tells me it's going to rain.

There you go, being negative again.

What do you mean, negative?

The Battle of New Orleans is never wrong.

Come on.

[announcer] "Chico and the Man" was recorded live

before a studio audience at NBC Studios,

Burbank, California.

♪♪

[José Feliciano] ♪ Chico was born in El Barrio ♪

♪ Spent much of his time in the street ♪

♪ His mind was craving for knowledge ♪

♪ His belly for something to eat ♪

♪ But times are hard ♪

♪ For Chico and the Man ♪

♪ Times are hard ♪

♪ For Chico and the Man ♪

♪ Hey, hey, hey, alright ♪