Original subtitles

[José Feliciano] One, two, one, two, three, and...

♪♪

♪ Chico, don't be discouraged♪

♪ The Man, he ain't so hard to understand♪

♪ Chico, if you try now♪

♪ I know that you can lend a helping hand♪

♪ Because there's good in everyone♪

♪ And a new day has begun♪

♪ You can see the morning sun if you try♪

♪ And I know things will be better♪

♪ Oh, yes, they will for Chico and the Man♪

♪ Yes, they will, for Chico and the Man♪

♪ Even though he's funny, he don't understand, yeah♪

[music playing on radio]

Hey, Ed, man! I'm trying to shave.

Yeah? Well, I'm trying to watch David Brinkley on television.

And every time you turn that shaver on,

I get 20 David Brinkley's telling me the price of cucumbers is going up.

What do you care? You hate cucumbers anyway.

Come on. One more cheek, please.

Oh, alright, alright, but turn that radio off.

[radio turns off]

I'll save my eyes for the football game.

Yeah, that ought to be some game tonight.

Yeah. Louie's coming over with a couple of pizzas.

We should have a lot of fun tonight.

Well, it's a shame I can't be here.

I'm going to a dance tonight.

I thought you were going to watch the game with us.

Well, I'll tell you, it's tempting.

O.J. Simpson's got some great moves.

But Patty's got better moves.

Who does Patty play for?

Patty Bertrand, man. She's my new girlfriend.

Oh. Did I ever meet her?

No, but you could have.

Were you at the Rolling Stones concert last week?

Well, what does her father do?

I don't know.

You're going out with a girl,

you don't know what her father does?

Tell you the truth, I was so busy looking at her,

I didn't ask.

- Where does she live? - I'm not sure.

Well, if you don't know where she lives, how are you going to pick her up?

I'm not. She's picking me up.

She's got her own car.

You mean her parents are going to allow her to come over here

and pick up a boy?

Wow, look at that. You sound just like my father.

I'm not your father. So what do I care?

Go out with whoever you want.

Finish tuning up the car?

[Chico] I'll finish it in the morning.

You could have finished it this afternoon

if you didn't spend all your time listening

to that damn radio.

How many times do I have to tell you,

you can't work and play music at the same time.

- Why not? - Because the work bone

ain't connected to the cha-cha bone.

That's why.

Ed, you're wrong.

It's a scientifically proven fact

that music played on the job increases production.

When they played music on a farm,

the chickens laid twice as many eggs.

Oh? Well, you show me a chicken who can rotate tires,

and I'll buy him a symphony orchestra.

I don't know what you're complaining about, man.

Who was it that cleaned up this place?

The Tooth Fairy.

Listen, Ed, I love work.

Work, to me, is like a challenge.

No matter how hard the job, the work is like a little

choo-choo train inside my brain.

And always it keeps telling me, "You can do it.

You can do it. You can do it. You can do it.

You can do it. You can do it. You can do it.

You can do it. [imitates train whistle]

You can do it."

Well, I can understand you creating famine and pestilence,

but when you made him, you really blew it.

You want me to show you how to do a choo-choo train?

How would you like a good kick in the caboose?

Good. You needed that.

This stuff smarts, man.

It doesn't smell too good, either.

Well, I tried some number five motor oil,

but then I smell like a '64 Chevy.

Why don't you try number ten? You'll smell like a Cadillac.

Can't help it. I'm hooked on this stuff

ever since I saw it on television.

"Hi. I'm Chuck Steak.

I play linebacker for the Chicago Meatpackers.

After a game, most of my nose remains on the field

and buzzards circle my cheeks,

so I need a good fragrance.

I use Fruit.

Yes, sir.

Fruit, the peachy fragrance that drives women bananas."

You're driving me bananas.

Listen, no matter what you say to me today,

you're not going to make me angry.

- You know why? - Why?

Because you're a challenge to me, Mr. Brown.

But, you know, life is made for kicks, chicks, and champagne.

Yeah, but it usually winds up with pills, bills,

and prune juice.

As long as you've lived,

you'd think you know that you only go around once.

Yeah, but if you work it right, once is enough.

When are you going to start, man? Win or lose, life's a gamble.

Look, you kids think life's a sporting proposition.

I happen to know it's a fixed fight with a crooked referee

and a poisoned water bucket.

Listen, why are you so bitter?

Why don't you let a little love into your life?

What do you know about love?

Love to your generation is two funny cigarettes in the dark.

Love to your generation is having your ear bitten

from the back of a motorcycle going 90 miles an hour.

Love to me is an apple tree with falling leaves,

a picnic beside a brook, a hayride in the country,

going to pick up your girl and getting nervous

when you have to meet her father.

That's love, and you kids don't know anything about it.

Well, maybe I don't, but I'm going to keep on practicing

until I know it better than anybody.

See, I enjoy living.

If you enjoy living, you must be doing something wrong.

Hey, man, what's wrong with doing the bump once in a while?

There's nothing wrong with doing it on a dance floor.

It's when you're doing it in the back of a car.

Man, where do you get your evil thoughts?

This is a community dance

with punch, food, and a band that plays all night.

I'm not concerned when the orchestra is playing.

It's when it stops I start worrying.

Hey, listen, man, Patty's a sweet girl.

She's not going to get fresh with me.

Didn't you ever go to a dance?

Of course I did.

This may come as a great shock to you, but I was a good dancer,

and we had a lot of fun just dancing.

Well, if the waltz ever comes back in, you're in business.

Where are you going?

I'm going to the laundry, pick up my shirt.

- Put on something warm. - What for?

Because I don't want you to catch cold.

I was wrong, you're not my father.

You sound like my mother. I remember she always,

[mimics mother] "Chico, don't wear those ripped underwear.

What if a car hits you and they take you to the hospital?"

[normal voice] I always thought that meant that you could be dying of anything

and the first thing the doctor did was, "Check his drawers."

The bump.

Bump. They call that dancing.

Dancing is... [humming]

[humming continues]

Ooh!

That's dancing.

Stay right where you're at 'cause here come the pizza cat.

Hey! [sniffs]

Boy, Louie, that smells good.

The word is "great." Mama Jacoby's super special.

Pepperoni, sausage, mushroom, peppers, and anchovies.

Eat one, and you're in Naples.

Eat two, and you're in the hospital.

That's right. My wife ate four one night.

And, boy, did she get sick.

Louie, why didn't you stop her?

Because when she gets sick, she goes over to her sister's house.

Then I can go anyplace I want to go.

We'll eat these at halftime.

And I brought some extra anchovies for Chico.

Oh, you better forget about Chico.

He's going to the dance tonight.

Oh, that's good for him to get out.

Well, I don't think so. He's been out three times this week.

Why can't he stay home for a change?

Well, maybe the boy's got a date.

Yeah? Well, he had a date to watch the game with us.

Now what are we going to do with all those anchovies?

No sweat. I'll take them home to my wife.

She likes being woke up in the middle of the night

to a cold plate of anchovies.

Oh, I get it.

If she eats cold anchovies in the middle of the night, in the morning,

- she'll wind up at her sister's, right? - Now you're catching on.

Come on, let's go and get something to drink with the pizzas.

Hey, who are you liking in the game tonight?

You know, it wasn't three nights he was out last week, it was four.

I'll take Buffalo and give you seven points.

Where could he go four nights a week?

That's what I want to know.

How about I'll give you 50 cents more

that O.J. gains 100 yards?

Yeah, if he works all day and plays all night,

he's going to get sick.

You sound like his father.

I'm not his father. I'm his boss.

And if he gets sick, you can't do a full day's work.

Has he ever been sick?

No, I don't allow that.

[telephone rings]

Oh, let me see.

The phone must be around here somewhere.

Oh, there you are.

Ed Brown's Garage.

No, this is not Chico baby. This is Ed baby.

He just stepped out for a minute.

Okay, I'll tell him when he gets back.

That was Patty baby. She's coming over to pick him up in a few minutes.

Oh, that's groovy.

Now, when I was a youngster, the only folks who had a car

in my neighborhood was the police.

And we had to borrow their car once in a while

so we could learn how to drive.

You know, I just figured it out.

If she's coming with her car, she's going to do all the driving.

I don't think I like that.

It wouldn't bother me if a woman did the driving,

because that way, both of my hands would be free.

Louie, I'm surprised at you.

When we were young, we had a little more respect for girls.

Oh, Ed, nothing's changed.

Just different strokes for different folks.

Yeah, that's what I'm worried about.

Look, those kids are smart.

Now, when I was a youngster, I was hooked up on a chick,

and, man, her father was a very strict cat.

The only time I could see him was when he went down in the cellar

to put coal in the furnace.

And you know something?

It would take him exactly six minutes

to go from his apartment down in the cellar,

put the coal in the furnace, and come back up again.

Now, Ed, he did that three times a day,

which meant I got to see my girl for 18 minutes a day.

Of course, when you're young,

you can do a whole lot of romance in 18 minutes.

Well, it's a fascinating story, Louie,

but I think I read it in the Reader's Digest.

[whistling]

Hey, Chico.

Patty baby just called. She'll be here in a few minutes.

Terrific. Oh, what have we here?

[sniffs] Mmm.

I see Mama Jacoby has done it again.

Listen, I'm going to be late, so leave all the lights out.

What do I care how late you come in? Come on, Louie.

Let's go upstairs and catch the pre-game warm-up.

Have a good time tonight, Chico.

And kiss the girls for me...

even the ugly one.

Because at my age, you take anything you can get.

Yeah, and, uh, Chico, we'll leave you a pizza tonight

- in case you're hungry when you come home. - Thanks, Ed.

Eat your heart out, Joe Namath. You got competition now.

Hello? Anybody home?

Hi, Patty.

Hiya, Chico. I parked out front.

Mami, you look foxy.

Oh, and you look beautiful.

That's my job, Mami.

How do you like it?

It's a very handsome suit.

No, I mean the garage.

It's, uh, it looks like a garage.

Well, this is where I work.

Oh, then it's an exciting garage.

And I'm sure you're probably a darn good mechanic.

Well, you make it sound so simple.

You see, a mechanic is like a doctor.

Dr. Rodriguez. My father will be thrilled.

I should think he would be.

Now, Dr. Rodriguez asks you, what's this?

- It's a carburetor. - That's right.

But to me, that's the liver of the car.

That's what filters all the impurities.

What about this?

Fuel pump.

Right again.

To me, that's the heart of the car.

I've done quite a few transplants in my time.

Let me show you the rest of the hospital.

Over here is our consultation room

where we keep our files and our records.

[Patty] Oh.

That's just a gas pump.

- Storeroom... - Mm-hmm.

- ...bathroom... - Uh-huh.

...and the operating table.

My chief surgeon lives upstairs.

Where's the recovery room?

Nobody recovers here. You die.

Where do you live?

Right over here.

That truck?

What do you mean "that truck"?

I'll have you know this is the world's only

swinging bachelor pad with a smog device.

- [mimics Groucho Marx] Like to see the inside? - Sure.

You just said the secret word.

[Patty] It's cute.

But it kind of lacks privacy.

Not when I close this.

And if I shut this door...

- shut out the world. - Oh, yeah.

- [Chico] Dig this. - [Patty laughs] Oh, look at that!

- [Chico] You like that? - [Patty] Oh, I love it.

Hey! What's going on here?!

- Ah-ha! - Now, Ed, wait.

- Ah-ha! - Ed, I swear. It's not what you think, man.

- Oh-ho! - Ed, it's all in your mind.

Ed, you don't know what you're talking about.

You're not going to turn this into an X-rated garage.

Morning.

What time did you get in last night?

I left the pizza out for you. You never even touched it.

When are you going to be through with this spaceship?

Good morning yourself, it's none of your business

what time I got home, I wasn't hungry,

and I'll be done in two seconds.

Well, you missed a great game.

Guy took the kickoff, ran it back 93 yards for a touchdown.

In the second quarter, a guy kicked a 54-yard field goal.

There was a lot of great pass-- Now, you know I was right about last night.

You never should have said what you said about my girl.

She's not your girl. You've only seen her twice.

Now, when you're through, I want you to clean up the storeroom.

Just a minute, Ed.

Last night, you called my girl a tart, a hussy, and a Jezebel.

Now, we know what tart and hussy meant,

and Bruno the bongo player told me the meaning of a Jezebel.

So last night, you called my girl

a lady of the evening in three different ways.

Well, give me a little time

and I'll think of three more ways.

Hey, man, that is a sweet, innocent girl.

Can she help it if she has sexy legs?

There's only one kind of a girl who would come into

this kind of a place with your kind of a guy.

And this ain't that kind of a place.

Now, go clean up the storeroom.

You don't believe she's a sweet, innocent girl, do you?

I don't want to talk about it till you tell me

why you didn't eat the pizza.

Ed, I couldn't have been in that van with Patty for more than five minutes.

That's five minutes too long. You don't even know this girl.

You don't know where she lives or what her father does for a living.

Well, last night, we got to know each other very well.

I should say you did.

Intellectually.

While you were getting so intellectual,

did you ask her if she was on the pill?

Are you kidding, man?

You don't ask a girl like Patty a question like that.

Well, call her Mildred and ask her.

Listen, man, when a guy sits on one end of the couch

and a girl sits on the other, all that goes on is conversation.

- Well, you weren't talking. You were giggling. - I told her a joke.

Well, it wasn't a joke giggle, and it wasn't a tickle giggle.

It sounded more to me like, "I'll soon have a yearning

for a pickle" giggle.

Ed, nothing went on.

I don't believe you.

Okay, Ed, you win. Fine. Okay. I can see it now.

Me, star of a medical convention in Vienna.

[Austrian accent] Fellow doctors, you're wondering why we're here.

We are here to witness a medical phenomenon--

Chico Rodriguez.

What is so phenomenal about Chico Rodriguez,

you might be asking.

Well, I'll tell you.

He took a girl into a van,

told her a joke, and she became pregnant.

Which goes to prove what Dr. Freud said,

that sometimes a joke can go a little too far.

We will now conduct a demonstration.

Mr. Rodriguez will sit here.

And we have three lady volunteers over here.

He will tell them a joke. They will giggle.

And nine months later,

three more soldiers for the fatherland.

Very funny. Go ahead, make light of it.

But once that kid is born, your troubles are just beginning.

Now, you know how difficult it is to raise a kid in a van

or even in a garage.

Who's the kid going to hang around with? Me?

And where are you going to find a school for the kid, huh?

- And furthermore-- - Okay.

Since I'm going to be a father, can I have a raise?

[engine starts]

[mumbling] A raise...

That's children for you.

They have all the fun, and we get to pay all the bills.

♪ I work every day, that's why I'm happy and gay ♪

Oh, Louie, what do you got there?

Little surprise for you.

After last night, I don't want any more surprises.

- What's in the box? - Birthday cake.

You see, Frankie the pastry chef is back on the bottle,

so I pick up his mistakes.

Look here. Take a look here.

This will go good with our coffee break.

Let's see. It says, "To my sweatheart.

Happy bird-doo."

Well, you know how Frank is when he gets drunk.

The first thing goes is his spelling.

Last year, when he baked that cake

for the Czechoslovakian soccer club,

he wound up with 14 cakes before he got it right.

Hey, did you talk to Chico this morning?

Yeah, he gave me a great big "hello."

Glad to see that everything is straightened out.

What do you mean "straightened out"? He's too young to be a father.

What makes you think he's going to be a father?

Well, he asked me for a raise.

Oh, man, asking for a raise don't mean he's, uh, expecting.

Well, that's good, because if he's expecting, he ain't going to get it.

[horn honks]

- Ed, you got a customer. - Okay.

Be sure and give Chico a piece of that cake.

- I'll do that. - Because if he's going to be a father,

that boy need all the strength he can get.

Yes, sir. What can I do for you?

I'll-- I'll kill him.

[Ed] Hey, hey. Whoa, whoa. Hey!

Come out of there!

Hey, who are you looking for?

- Where is Chico Rodriguez? - Who are you?

I'm Patty Bertrand's father.

Yeah? What do you want with Chico?

I want his neck right between these two hands.

- Why? What'd he do? - He took my daughter into that van!

- Who told you that? - My daughter told me! She tells me everything!

Your daughter's got a big mouth!

- Did she tell you what happened? - She didn't have to tell me.

I know what happens when a young man takes a girl into his van.

You do, huh?

Hi, Ed. Sorry I took so long.

I couldn't find a place to park. Do you want gas, sir?

He wants your throat.

Are you Chico Rodriguez?

One crack out of you, and you're going to get this right over the head.

Hey, who is he?

I'm Patty Bertrand's father.

I've been dying to meet you. Hello.

Stand back. He bites.

Ed, what did you tell him?

I didn't tell him anything. His daughter told him.

What did she tell you?

You took her into your van.

What more does she have to tell me?

Watch out. You're going to get it.

- Listen, let me explain. - No, no, shut up.

What are you accusing him of?

He seduced my daughter!

Why, you dirty-- You've got an evil mind.

What do you think they were doing in there, talking?

That's exactly what they were doing.

- Were you there all the time? - All but five minutes.

Don't you know what can happen in five minutes?!

Now, listen to me. If your daughter's in trouble

just from sitting on a couch,

next week, this boy is going to appear

before a medical convention in France.

Vienna.

My daughter is a naïve, innocent girl.

And my Chico is a naïve, innocent boy.

You're not his father!

I'll do till one comes along!

Okay. Okay. I'll tell you this.

If my daughter is in trouble, there's going to be a wedding.

Good, I'll pay for the booze and the orchestra.

- That's my pop. - Yeah.

Dad, Why did you come here?

Patty, go home.

No, I know the way you think.

And I know the way he thinks. And you're both wrong.

Cool it, Patty, we already got the booze and the orchestra.

Dad, how dare you accuse me of doing something wrong?

Did you ever see me wear my skirts up to here?

- Patty! - And I always wear a bra.

And when I walk down the street, I walk in a ladylike manner.

You've never seen me flouncing around like some cheap person.

I'm entitled to an apology.

Patty, honey, would you do the flouncing part again?

I missed it.

Don't joke about this, Chico.

I don't like having my morality questioned.

She's right, Bertrand. You owe your daughter an apology.

And you owe me one, too, Mr. Brown, and to Chico.

Why does he have to apologize?

Well, because I made a fool of myself last night.

But you made a fool of yourself this morning.

Oh, come on. What are we screaming about? Come on upstairs.

I'll buy you a little drink, and we'll talk the whole thing over.

And I'll explain the whole thing to you.

What'd you say your first name was?

- Percival. - Percival.

Well, let me tell you something, Percy...

I trust you, but I don't trust Mother Nature.

You know-- you know, Ed,

the problem is

a lack of communication between generations.

Oh, if you'll excuse me for saying so, Percy, you're wrong.

There's too much communication.

If your daughter hadn't been so honest with you,

this never would have happened.

- You know, you're right. - Yeah.

Why can't kids be like we were when we were young?

Sneaky.

We tried not to worry our parents.

If we had anything rotten to do, we did it behind their backs.

Yeah.

Hey, I wonder where the kids are.

Yeah. Chico?

Chico?

Here I am.

Where's my daughter?

Here I am, Dad.

What are you doing in there?

We're just watching television.

♪♪

[announcer] "Chico and the Man" was recorded live

before a studio audience at NBC Studios,

Burbank, California.

♪♪

[José Feliciano] ♪ Chico was born in El Barrio♪

♪ Spent much of his time in the street♪

♪ His mind was craving for knowledge♪

♪ His belly for something to eat♪

♪ But times are hard♪

♪ For Chico and the Man♪

♪ Times are hard♪

♪ For Chico and the Man♪

♪ Hey, hey, hey, alright♪