Original subtitles

[José Feliciano] One, two, one, two, three, and...

♪♪

♪ Chico, don't be discouraged ♪

♪ The Man, he ain't so hard to understand ♪

♪ Chico, if you try now ♪

♪ I know that you can lend a helping hand ♪

♪ Because there's good in everyone ♪

♪ And a new day has begun ♪

♪ You can see the morning sun if you try ♪

♪ And I know things will be better ♪

♪ Oh, yes, they will for Chico and the Man ♪

♪ Yes, they will, for Chico and the Man ♪

♪ Even though he's funny, he don't understand, yeah ♪

Take it easy, man. I already took a shower.

Yeah. You can't get too clean.

- Hey, Louie. - Hey, Chico.

Hey, Louie, how come you ain't working today?

Well, even a garbage man gets a couple of days off.

What you say, Louie? How's business?

- You really want to know, Ed? - Not particularly.

Now that you ask, I'm going to tell you.

[Ed] Oh.

It's a sad day for me.

Oh, I don't want to hear about it, Louie.

I don't feel like crying today.

Yeah, but we breaking up.

Who? Who's breaking up? You and your wife?

No. Someone closer to me than that.

It's Rosebud here.

Louie, you got to be kidding.

Yeah, you've had this car for 17 years.

Yeah, and all I got left is three more payments.

Why you want to get rid of her?

Because I need the dough. I'm short of money.

You see, it's, uh, me and my wife's 35th wedding anniversary,

and I want to get her something she's always been needing.

- What's that, Louie? - A facelift.

Come on, Louie. There's more to it than that.

Yeah, but that's all I can afford right now.

The truth is, uh, I can't put up with the arguments no more.

I remember. She was always jealous of Rosebud.

Always telling me I'd rather shine Rosebud's hood

than to rub her back.

The funny part about it, she's right.

Hey, how about you buying my car?

No, sorry, Louie.

I just got no use for it.

Yeah, but, see, she would have a decent home with you, Ed,

because you've known her so long.

You realize you're the first one to ever change her oil?

Yeah, but, Louie, I wouldn't know what to do with her.

Well, then, uh, would you try and sell her for me?

Because I ain't got the heart.

Come on, Louie. This is a garage, not a used car lot.

No problem. We can do it.

I'm not a salesman.

I am.

Since when?

Since I heard he wants to sell his car.

Let's let Chico, Ed.

Tell him, son.

For 15 years, this man's been taking care of your garbage problem.

You've become friends.

Now he comes to you with a simple request--

to find a home for the only thing he ever really loved.

And you turn your back on him?

He never turned his back on your garbage!

Chico, you know something?

You must be eating our food because you got soul.

Alright, alright, Louie. How much you want for her?

$3,000.

Louie, I know some antiques are worth a lot,

but this thing is a fossil.

Yeah, but, look, it's got the original roof,

cigarette lighter works like a charm.

And then too, Ed, there's that, uh, sentimental value

I've been talking about.

- [Ed] Yeah. - I think we can get $3,000 for it, Ed,

if we find some rich 6-year-old kid

with a devil-may-care attitude.

Come on, Chico.

This car isn't worth $3,000.

Why, it's ready for Social Security.

Okay, I'll compromise.

Make it $300.

Got a deal.

Yeah, but we get anything over that.

And try and settle to someone that lives out of town

because I'd hate to run into her in the neighborhood.

Now, would you leave us alone?

I want to say goodbye.

Rosebud...

we've had some good times together,

and you've given me over 200,000 miles of pleasure.

I wish I could say the same about my wife.

Oh, I hate long goodbyes.

I want to wish you just one last thing.

From here on in,

may all your hills be small ones.

I can see it now, Ed-- banners flying, a band playing,

the mayor cutting the ribbon on the opening

of Brown and Rodriguez Used Car Lot Number 25.

Kid, you got a lot of energy.

No brains but a lot of energy.

I don't care what you say.

I'm not going to let this business go downhill.

Too late. We're already at the bottom.

Step by step, I'm going to take you right to the top.

- Yeah. - We're going into the used car business.

Well, I'm going to have a drink.

Ed, we've got a lot to talk about.

I can't talk on an empty stomach.

Now, here's to abused cars.

Could we please check out the car now?

That's not my job, man. That's yours.

Thank you, Guadalupe. You gave me a big challenge--

to sell a Studebaker in a Chevy neighborhood.

- Chico! - Hey, Mando.

- What's happening? - Nothing.

Hey, I called you last night. You weren't home.

Nah, I was in the library.

What is it with you and that library, man?

What are you studying?

The librarian.

Just jiving.

Studying psychology.

I don't intend to be a butcher all my life.

Why not? With the price of meat today,

you'd be a millionaire by next Tuesday.

Don't try to talk me out of it, Chico.

Besides, psychology is a great subject, man.

You know that last night I studied a chapter

on body language.

I can tell you everything there is to know

about a person just by the way he walks.

Found out about you on page 126.

Even if I didn't know you, I'd know you just by the way you walk.

[whistling]

Oh, man, I don't walk like that.

I'm not criticizing you.

All I'm saying is a man that walks like that

shouldn't be working for a man that walks like this.

No, wait a minute, Mando.

Tell you, I don't care how he walks.

Yeah, but you're sensitive, kind, understanding.

He's angry, frustrated, and mean.

Well, Mando, Mando, Mando. So nice to see you.

How's everything at the butcher shop?

- Fine, thanks. - Oh, good.

Where's your motorcycle? I hope you didn't have an accident.

- No. - Oh, thank heavens.

I've been so worried about you, Mando,

zooming around on that dangerous vehicle.

Oh, you don't stand up on it anymore.

But you can get hurt without doing tricks.

I've been reading the statistics.

Motorcycle accidents have increased,

and I wouldn't want anything to happen

to a nice young man like you.

Maybe I read his walk wrong.

I'm going to do you a favor and take you off that motorcycle.

Mr. Brown, my girl lives five miles from here.

Are you going to drive me there every night?

No, not at all.

I've got your transportation right here.

And the price is right.

Thanks anyway, but I think I'll stick to my motorcycle.

Oh, but just think of how much fun

you and your girlfriend could have in this car.

Take a look at that wide back seat.

Look at the curtains on this window.

Wouldn't you and your girlfriend like to take it out tonight

and road test it?

Mr. Brown, it's tempting,

and I'd like to borrow it for a night,

but I can't afford to buy this car.

Get your hands off. You're getting fingerprints all over it.

Ed, wait a minute. Mando can help us. He talks to everybody.

Right! Hey, man, I got the biggest mouth in the neighborhood.

I can get you a buyer for that car like that.

Is this one sweet guy?

Yeah! I'm adorable.

But I want a commission.

Five percent.

- 15. - We'll give you ten.

Seven and a half.

I'll take it.

- Well, we're in business. - Yeah.

We're in the used car business.

Why, I can see us on television now.

Hi, folks. This is Mad Man Chico,

your insane car dealer making you another crazy offer.

Come on down to my lot. Bring your whole family

while you're looking at all these wonderful cars,

your kids can play in the backyard with my pet snakes.

For you married couples,

if you come down here before 3:00 p.m.,

I'll give you a free divorce with every car.

If you're happily married, the offer holds good for a week.

Don't worry. Come on, Ed. Try one.

- No, I don't think so. - And here's my partner, Just As Crazy Brown.

Alright, folks, I've got a great fire sale for you.

A used mechanic. When he doesn't go back to work,

you can have him for nothing.

Ed, we've got to check out this car.

Don't worry about this car.

I've checked it out for 17 years.

I always give it the Ed Brown A-one tune-up.

What's the Ed Brown A-one tune-up?

I rotate the windshield wipers, empty the ashtrays,

and change the air in the tires.

No wonder the car is in such great condition.

Alright, what should I make the sign out for? $300 okay.

No, no. Whoa. Hold everything.

That's what Louie gets. We have to make a profit.

$400?

No. Better make it $800.

Why $800?

Because if you want $400, you ask for $800.

You see, people who buy used cars always like to dicker.

Oh, dickering. I'm great at dickering.

I know, you got to pamper the customer.

You have to stroke them softly with velvet gloves.

I just want to sell the car.

I don't want to get picked up on a morals rap.

Listen, I'll show you how to do it.

I'll be the salesman. You be the customer.

- You understand this is only a temporary arrangement, okay? - Okay.

- And be aggressive. Don't be a pushover. - Alright.

I won't be a pushover.

Ah, there's a customer now.

- Well, come on in. - Oh, that's me. Okay.

And good morning, sir. How are you feeling today?

Terrible. I have a premonition

I'm going to get ripped off by a used car salesman.

Well, you came to the wrong place for that.

This is the Brown Automotive Corporation.

Oh, I've heard about you.

You're wanted by the Better Business Bureau.

Come on, Ed. You know that's not true.

It will be if we try to sell this car.

Ed, you've got to get into the spirit of it.

Now, look at this rare, inexpensive collector's item.

Yeah, garbage collector's item.

Exactly. Isn't it marvelous how they made these breakaway bumpers

15 years before Ralph Nader thought of it?

Alright. Alright. How much do you want for it?

$4,000.

It's a deal.

You call that dickering?

I'm a sucker.

Listen, if you're not going to get into the spirit of it,

it's not going to work.

Oh, alright. $100.

Now you're getting the hang of it. $2,000.

$75.

I'm supposed to dicker up.

You're supposed to dicker around.

That's not dickering.

I'm the dicker-er. You're the dicker-ee.

Well, all I got to say right now is this is very boring.

You're the borer and I'm the bor-ee.

Alright, I got one last offer.

[mimics "The Godfather"] "Ed, this is going to be an offer, my friend,

that you can't refuse."

I'm going to give you a 90-day guarantee,

parts and labor.

If the car breaks down, I'll give you a loaner--

a horse's head.

Sounds like a good deal to me.

- [normal voice] Hi, Raul. - Hi, Chico.

- Hello, Brown. - Hello, Gomez.

- You know Counselor Gomez? - We've done business.

- Hey, you mean your friends? - That doesn't necessarily follow.

I came in here for a car, not to bring up old arguments.

Alright, buy the car and get out.

Ed, you forgot to dicker.

So, you're interested in a car, Mr. Gomez?

Why do you call me "Mr. Gomez"?

You always called me "Raul" before.

- He's starting to dicker. - Yeah.

Mando told me about the car.

And as it happens, my son needs a car.

So I went to the bank. I got the cash.

If the price is right, you got a deal.

Well, Raul...

we're asking $800.

Chico, I've known you since you were in diapers,

and I trust you.

But $800, that loco.

Look at that paint job.

I hate that color.

I like it.

Let's talk business.

- $800? - Tires are bald.

- $760. - The hood looks funny.

- $629. - Door is out of line.

- $555. - Tailpipe is loose.

- $450. - Oh, I don't know.

Come on. How about it?

- Oh... - Is it a deal?

- Okay, a deal. - Wait a minute. How much?

$100, $200, $300, $400.

I'll take it. It's a deal.

And a free tank of gas on the house.

You already made the sale.

Nice. Very nice.

My kid will love it!

[engine cranking]

[hissing]

[backfires]

Ed, I want my money back!

Over my dead garage.

- Ed! - What?

Psst. Where's old folks?

He's in the storage room.

Did he give back Mr. Gomez's money?

I'm working on it, man.

Did he put the money in there?

Would you relax?

Relax?!

I send you a customer,

then you sell that customer a lemon

and rip him off for 400 bucks.

My name is mud in the neighborhood,

but, brother, your name is even muddier.

Look, Chico, I know you were born in this neighborhood,

but when your mother got sick and you had to go live

in New York City with your aunt for a while,

you picked up a lot of bad New York habits, my man.

I only lived there for five years.

Yes, but psychologically speaking,

those were the formative years.

You don't even sound like us anymore.

What does it matter how I sound, man?

It's how I feel.

Well, just get the money back, okay?

Mr. Gomez is talking about subpoenas,

Supreme Court, and San Quentin.

Let me know when you get the money, huh?

- [Ed] Chico! - Yo!

[Ed] Got the boxes set up?

Yeah, working on it.

[Ed] Come back here and help me with this spring.

[groans]

- [Chico] You got it? - [Ed] Yeah.

You just pull. My end will follow.

How are you feeling, Ed?

I'm not going to give him his money back.

The money wasn't even warm in your hand when the car collapsed.

Yeah? Well, I had a friend

who went to a doctor and got a clean bill of health.

Two minutes later, he dropped dead.

Did the doctor give him his money back?

Well, that was an act of God.

Yeah? Well, God works in mysterious ways.

Maybe He had something to do with this.

And tell Gomez if he doesn't get the car out of the alley,

I'm going to charge him storage.

That engine blew up on him.

Was it my fault he didn't know how to start it?

Car couldn't start with a pacemaker.

Oh, it just hit me! I know what you're trying to do.

You're trying to teach him a lesson, that he should be careful when he buys a used car.

And then you're going to give him back his money, right?

Wrong.

Who are you trying to get even with?

I just don't like to be called a crook.

Well, let's compromise.

Why don't you admit you made a dishonest mistake?

How about an honest mistake?

A boo-boo?

Forget it.

Well, have you got something personal against Gomez?

Does he have something personal against you?

How about you both have something personal against each other?

Alright, if you want to know.

Ten years ago, I got slapped with a $300 building violation.

I hired Gomez to represent me in court.

He not only lost the case, but he had the gall

to charge me a $200 lawyer fee.

He was just doing his job.

If he'd have done his job, he'd have got me off.

Hey, look, man, I don't know who was right and who was wrong.

Who do you work for?

I work for you.

I'll give you ten seconds to figure out who was right.

Okay, so you were right.

I rest my case.

- This time, you're wrong. - I didn't ask you that.

Do I have the pleasure

of addressing the owner of this so-called garage?

You know my name, Gomez.

I am not here as Raul Gomez, the buyer of a used car,

but as Raul Gomez, the attorney

who represents Raul Gomez, the buyer of a used car.

Are you now or have you ever been Mr. Ed Brown?

What do I look like, the Lone Ranger?

My card.

Did you see that?

If he didn't see it, give me another card, and I'll do it again.

I saw it.

Please, Mr. Gomez, sit down.

Which, Mr. Gomez? Mr. Gomez the client

or Mr. Gomez the attorney?

Both of you.

Mr. Brown, you look like a reasonable man.

That's a lie. I'm not a reasonable man.

Ed, don't be pigheaded.

That's no way to talk to an older person.

This man is a fighter, and I respect the fighter.

But I'm not here to fight.

I, Raul Gomez, the attorney,

I'm here to talk about my client, Raul Gomez,

an esteemed citizen,

a pillar of the community,

a faithful husband,

a devoted father of seven children.

And an owner of a used car.

Ha! The question is, was it a car or a bomb?

What are you trying to say?

I think he's hinting around that you pulled a fast one.

Please, Chico. Don't put words in my mouth.

Until a jury says otherwise,

Mr. Brown is only an alleged crook.

I'd like to hear you say that in court.

That's probably what he has in mind.

Not to mention my client's whiplash,

mental anguish, incapacitation,

and loss of services to his spouse.

Come on, Gomez.

You and your wife have been separated for three years.

I still see her on weekends.

Would you stop this, man, and give him back his money, please?

I'll give him his money back when gas drops

to ten cents a gallon.

Unless I can convince a jury otherwise.

Convince a jury? Do you know the state of California

repealed capital punishment just to protect your clients?

Are you attacking my talents as a lawyer?

What talents? You don't have any!

If you're talking about that building violation case,

you didn't have a chance in court.

I know that the minute you opened your mouth.

I'll have you know, I graduated from USC Law School

in the top third of my class in 1951.

That was also a bad year for wine.

Ed, you're insulting this man.

Please, Chico! I am quite capable of defending myself.

Capable of defending yourself? You must have taken up karate,

because you're helpless in court.

Get out of my garage.

I'll see you in court!

Well, stop staring at me.

I'm not going to give him back his money.

[coin clinks, dialing]

Who are you calling?

- Come on. I want to hear it. - Mando. [speaking Spanish]

Right.

- What are you doing? - I'm not talking to you.

What do you mean, you're not talking to me?

Someone who's not talking to you can't talk to you to tell you

why they're not talking to you if they're not talking to you.

Oh, I get it. You're going to threaten me by leaving, huh?

Well, go ahead and leave.

- [speaks Spanish] - What does that mean?

It means I'm not talking to you.

I understand now.

What you're trying to do is get enough money.

You're going to hock all this stuff

to get enough money to pay Gomez back his $400.

Well, it isn't going to work because you won't get anything

for this, not a penny.

What are you doing with that picture of me?

Giving it back to you.

[horn honks]

[engine shuts off]

Great, Mando.

Let's hook it up out here.

- Would you check it out for me? - Sure.

- Why do you think you're doing? - We're not talking to you.

What do you think you're doing?

I'm selling the van.

You can't sell the van. You don't own it.

Oh, yes, I do. Squatters' rights.

- I'll see you in court. - See me in court.

That'll be two fights you'll have.

Okay. Take the van.

I just want to know one thing.

Does it really matter to you what all those people out there think of you?

No. I don't give a damn what they think about me.

I care what they think about you out there.

Mando... how much are you giving him for the van?

$600.

I'll make you a better offer. $400.

You want to dicker?

Don't tell me what you're going to do with the money.

- I don't want to hear about it. - Okay.

Chico, I could have got you $600 for that van, man.

Yeah, but he's a relative.

Hey, it just occurred to me.

If you sold the van, where were you going to sleep?

Upstairs with you.

- Come on, Ed, push. - I'm pushing.

Well, what do we do with it now?

I don't know, Chico.

Maybe we can file it down

and make a pair of cufflinks out of it.

For that matter, let's just cut off the roof

and turn it into a planter.

No.

Hi, Ed! I just stopped by to see if you sold Rosebud.

Oh, I'm sorry. I did my best, Louie,

but I just couldn't find the right owner.

Good! Glad you didn't sell her.

Now I can take her back home, because since she's been away,

my wife said I'm impossible to live with.

Louie, wait a minute. You can't start that car.

- Yeah. - It won't go no place.

Yeah. Watch out, Louie. Don't turn the key.

Louie! No!

[engine starts, revs]

You just got to know how to baby it.

♪♪

[announcer] "Chico and the Man" was recorded live

before a studio audience at NBC Studios,

Burbank, California.

[José Feliciano] ♪ Chico was born in El Barrio ♪

♪ Spent much of his time in the street ♪

♪ His mind was craving for knowledge ♪

♪ His belly for something to eat ♪

♪ But times are hard ♪

♪ For Chico and the Man ♪

♪ Times are hard ♪

♪ For Chico and the Man ♪

♪ Hey, hey, hey, alright ♪