Original subtitles

[José Feliciano] One, two, a-one, two, three and...

[guitar playing]

♪ Chico, don't be discouraged ♪

♪ The Man, he ain't so hard to understand ♪

♪ Chico, if you try now ♪

♪ I know that you can lend a helping hand ♪

♪ Because there's good in everyone ♪

♪ And a new day has begun ♪

♪ You can see the morning sun if you try ♪

♪ And I know things will be better ♪

♪ Oh, yes, they will for Chico and the Man ♪

♪ Yes, they will for Chico and the Man ♪

♪ Even though he's funny, he don't understand, yeah ♪

♪ Put our your cans ♪

♪ 'Cause here come the garbage man ♪

♪ Mm, mm ♪

[garbage can clattering]

♪ Here come the garbage man ♪

♪ Hang your can out the window ♪

♪ 'Cause I'm the garbage man ♪

Hi, Louie.

Hey. Good morning, Ed.

- How's business? - Picking up.

Louie, for 15 years, you've been giving me the same answer.

And for 15 years, you've been asking me the same question.

Well, I'll tell you what, Louie.

If you'll change the answer, I'll change the question.

- How's that? - That's a deal.

Good. How's pickings?

I'm glad you asked me that, Ed,

because last week was a lulu.

I found a gold watch, two diamond rings,

- and a pawn ticket for a yacht. - Yeah? You gonna try to redeem

the pawn ticket? - Of course not.

What do I need with two yachts?

Hey, look at this.

For $2,000, I can buy

a piece of an alligator farm in Texas.

Oh, why do they keep sending me this junk mail?

Junk mail for you and a pay check for me.

Yeah.

[Ed] Hey.

Hey, how about this?

Oh, you got a goody there, huh?

Yeah, it's an invitation to a reunion

of my old army battalion.

Oh, that's nice, Ed.

You'll get a chance to see your old friends

and talk over old times.

No, I don't think so. I...

- Oh, you ain't gonna go? - No, I -- I can't.

- Why can't you go? - Well, 'cause I don't want to.

I'll go next time.

Now, look, uh, how often do they have those reunions?

Every 25 years.

No, you're right. I wouldn't rush into things.

You got a point.

Well, so long, Louie.

So long, Ed, and keep up the good work now.

What good work?

Your drinking, Ed.

You cut down, and I'm really proud of you.

Have you been talking to the kid Chico again?

No!

It's all in the garbage.

You see, I read a garbage can like a gypsy reads tea leaves.

You are what you throw out.

The less the bottles in the old corral,

the less you've been riding on the reins.

Come on, Louie. Do me a favor, will you?

Stop reading my garbage.

Because if I find out

you've been discussing my garbage

with somebody else,

I'll have you drummed out of the Sanitation Corps.

Oh, Ed, you know I wouldn't do a thing like that.

I got ethics.

Well, I guess you don't want

to hear about Mrs. Sanchez, then, do you?

No. No, I don't.

Uh... what about Mrs. Sanchez?

She's looking for a new husband.

Yeah? How'd you find that out?

She threw away all her bras.

You see, Ed, the garbage tells me everything.

Yeah. Well, it's a good thing you've got ethics.

You ain't heard nothing yet.

Did you hear about Theresa Castellano's

getting ready to have another baby?

No kidding.

No, don't tell me. Don't tell me.

Let me guess.

You found some empty pickle jars

and some empty ice cream cartons in the trash.

You know something, man?

You got the makings of a terrific garbage can reader.

- Thanks a lot, Louie. - Yeah.

Say, uh, let me ask you something.

- Go ahead. - How many kids does

Teresa and her husband have now?

Mm. 11.

11 kids? Wowee. How does he do it?

- Vitamin E! - Yeah?

Yeah, the cat knocks off two bottles every week.

Two bottles every week?

Yeah. He is a little thin, but very happy.

Hey, uh, let me ask you something.

Go ahead.

Do you think that vitamin E really works?

Does it work?

If I don't stop taking them,

my wife's planning on leaving me.

[both laugh]

- I'll see you later, Louie. - [Louie] Okay.

[Chico] Morning, Louie!

- How's pickings? - Morning.

Oh, still picking. Hey, wait a minute!

There's something important here.

Oh, wow, it's an invitation to an Army reunion for Ed.

- Yeah - He threw this away?

Oh, you know how the old man is.

He hates to travel.

I wouldn't say that.

Last week, he took a trip across the street.

Well, he had a good reason. His hat blew off.

You know something? You ought to talk to that man

and see can't you get him to go to that reunion.

Even if you got to order him to go.

- Order Ed Brown to go? - Yeah.

Louie, you trying to get me killed?

You don't order Ed Brown to do anything.

You got to manipulate him.

[Hispanic accent] Oh, you got to manipulate him?

You got to manipulate him. That's right.

♪ Stick out your cans 'cause here comes the garbage man ♪

♪ Mm, mm ♪

[singing indistinctly]

[can clatters]

Manipulate him.

Manipulate him.

- [grumbling] - Hey, Ed?

Got your shoes resoled.

Oh, thanks.

- How much were they? - $6.

$5 for one shoe and $1 for the other shoe.

$5 for one shoe and $1 for the other?

Why? I wear them both at the same time.

Shoemaker said you have a bad habit.

You put more weight on one foot than the other.

He said that? He's crazy.

- Ah. You're doing it. - Doing what?

You're walking like this.

Come on! I don't walk like that.

Well, maybe I'm exaggerating a little,

but your shoes tell the story.

But don't worry. I can cure you.

You're gonna cure me? That's gonna be a neat trick,

curing me of something I haven't got.

Ed, you've got it. But don't worry.

With a little time and effort...

- Here. Hold that. - What for?

- Walk. - Walk? Oh.

- Ohh. - Oh, my goodness!

It's a miracle! You're walking straight!

It's a miracle, huh?

Well, I'll write to the Pope and have you canonized.

Seriously, Ed, do you know what this means?

Instead of spending $5 for one shoe

and $1 for the other shoe,

you'll be like any normal person.

You'll spend $3 for each shoe.

Oh, I can see it all now.

My feet will be normal,

but from carrying this bucket around,

one arm is gonna get longer than the other.

And the first thing you know,

I'll have to have a special shirt made

with one long arm for $5

and one shorter one for $1.

Come on, Ed.

But the fact remains, you do have a slight droop

- on your right side. - I do?

You know what that's from?

From the old days, when you were in the army

in the war years.

You carried everything on the right side--

your rifle, canteen,

ammunition, wallet, loose change.

Yeah. Oh, I guess that makes sense.

Ah, the army, the army, the army.

Hey, did you pick up those shock absorbers?

Yeah, I got them.

Boy, there are no buddies like army buddies.

Did he give you a discount?

Yeah. He gave it to me.

You'll never guess who I saw last week.

My old machine gunner.

Boy, what a reunion we had.

Saw each other in the street,

threw our arms around each other and hugged.

It's lucky we didn't get arrested.

You been talking to Louie, huh?

Ah, we had dinner, joked around.

We had a million laughs. It was great.

Well, I'm not going to the reunion.

- Well, who's asking you? - You are.

No, I'm not.

If I wanted you to go to that reunion,

I'd have come right out and asked you.

No, you wouldn't, but if you had come right out

and asked me, I'd have said no.

Well, does that mean because I didn't come right out

and ask you, you're gonna say yes?

Yes. The answer is no.

Driving me crazy. [grumbling]

Why are you so stubborn?

Listen, kid, I want you to understand something.

I'm glad you're here in my garage.

Well, that's finally nice to hear.

As strange as it may seem, I'm beginning to like you.

That's even nicer to hear.

But from now on, I want you to keep your nose

out of my personal life.

- Is that clear? - Absolutely.

I didn't know you had a personal life.

If I knew you had a personal life,

would I put my nose in your personal life?

I didn't know you had one, but now that I know

you have a personal life, I will keep my nose out of it.

It's not my job, man.

Come on. Get back to work.

Right.

Ed, go to the reunion.

[horn honks]

Come on. We got a customer.

And stop bugging me about the reunion.

Who's bugging you? I'm only discuss--

Fill it up and check the oil, please.

Okay. Fill it up.

Considering what you've been through together,

the least you can do is stop in and say hello.

No, we got nothing in common anymore.

What do you mean, you have nothing in common anymore?

Between all the fights, there must have been some good times.

That's no reason to start up again.

Are there any children involved?

Hey, lady, stay out of this, will you?

I can't.

What are you, a veteran?

No, I'm a marriage counselor.

She's probably seen more battles than you have.

Yes, I have, young man,

and if you take my professional advice, you'll make up with her.

Lady, you don't understand. This is different.

Every couple thinks that their own marriage is different.

No, lady, he's talking about his men friends.

I never would have suspected that.

Don't misunderstand. I make no moral judgments.

In fact, I give special counseling to people

- with your problem. - [laughs]

Don't laugh. It could happen to anyone.

Lady, we're talking about an Army reunion.

- And you're not going? - Ohh...

Tell him, lady.

I certainly will.

[Ed] Lady, will you please stay out of this?

That's what's wrong with the world today--

people like him who refuse to get involved.

That's what I keep telling him.

Listen to your son!

- He's not my son! - [hood slams]

Proud men like you

who once took up arms against a common enemy

should get together every so often and dance.

I got bad feet.

Recapture those moments of pain and joy and anxieties.

Anxieties? I got enough anxieties.

I got him.

How selfish you are.

How do you think I feel, having to get up every day

and get into my car and go from one broken home to another?

The stories I have to listen to,

the solutions I have to come up with,

[voice breaking] keeping couples together

who were never really meant for each other.

[sobs]

[speaking Spanish]

Look what you did to her

just 'cause you won't go to that reunion.

Chico, as long as you're over there,

collect $5 from the lady.

You know why I'm crying?

I'll tell you why I'm crying. Here.

It's because of men like you who were given the joy of life

and who don't know how to use it!

[sobs]

I'll know how to use it

the minute you drive that car out of here.

Don't listen to him.

Lady, when I get married and I have problems,

you're the first person I'm gonna call.

Thank you.

I don't give this advice very often, young man,

but in your case, I highly recommend it.

[gasping]

Run away from home!

There goes a wonderful woman.

Are you kidding? If I had any civic pride,

I'd have made a citizen's arrest.

What are you gonna do now, Ed?

I'm gonna stop listening to the help.

- I'm no help. - You're telling me.

I'm going upstairs to take a nap.

[telephone rings]

Hello. Ed Brown's garage.

Who?

Corporal Charlie Markwith?

You want to speak to Sergeant Ed Brown?

Charlie?

It's your old friend from the Army.

- He's calling long distance. - No, I don't want to talk.

- Yeah. Yeah, here he is. - No, I -- No, no, I'll just--

Uh, uh... Hi.

Hi, Charlie. How are you?

Yeah, it's good to hear from you.

Yeah. Yeah. Oh, sure.

Sure, I got your invitation. I'm--

Yeah, of course I'm going.

I wouldn't miss it for the world.

Yeah, well, uh--

Well, it's nice to talk to you, Charlie.

I'll, uh-- I'll see you at the hotel.

Ed, I'm so happy for you.

Don't be so happy. I'm not going.

Then what did you say you'd go for?

Because Charlie Markwith never takes no for an answer.

And besides, I got nothing to wear.

- [telephone ringing] - [Ed grumbling]

Ed Brown's garage. Ed Brown speaking.

Lady, will you please stop crying?

I don't need any more counseling.

I don't care how much you cry!

I'm not going to that reunion!

[whistling]

What are you doing with those suits?

Well, you said you weren't going to the reunion

'cause you had nothing to wear.

Here it is. I got these on consignment

from Ralphie's Men's Shop.

Well, take them back.

I once heard the sale begins when the customer says no.

[English accent] Now, this first suit I'd like to show you

is made from pure virgin wool.

You see, the sheep never got friendly with anyone.

Notice the fine British craftsmanship,

the hand stitching around the buttonholes,

the vents in the back,

and on the inside, a secret pocket

for your mad money and snuff.

I don't like it.

Very well. We're not pushy, but we are persistent.

[French accent] Monsieur?

Monsieur, a plaid from Paris,

bold, yet understated,

made from the wool of the vicuna.

The vicuna was much friendlier than the sheep.

I still don't like it.

[normal voice] Where are you going?

Upstairs to take a nap.

I'm exhausted from shopping.

Ed, wait, wait. Hold it.

You can't turn this next one down.

This next suit I'm gonna show you is today.

[lisping] Good to wear on Christmas,

New Year's, or Easter.

This is made from a subtle blend of Dacron and polyester.

Hey!

Well, I don't wear polyester. It's an endangered species.

Would you stop fooling around?

This is what's happening in men's clothes today.

Yeah, but men are not in them.

Besides, with a suit like this, I'd have to wear high heels.

Yeah, I guess you're right. It's really not you.

Now, look at it. It doesn't have any pockets.

If it doesn't have any pockets, where am I supposed

to put all the things that's supposed to go in the pockets.

Your purse.

My what?

Your purse.

Listen, kid, I came into this world without pierced ears,

and that's the way I'm going out.

Ed, you've got to go to that reunion.

You never give up, do you?

I could be lying on my back

on the ground, all cut up and bleeding.

You'd slap a Band-Aid on me and drag me to that reunion.

Ed, some of your old buddies from your old army outfit

are lying in strange countries.

They would have loved to go to that reunion.

Well, I'm not going...

with this suit.

I'm gonna go with this one.

Hello?

Anybody here?

I'm looking for Ed Brown.

He's upstairs.

I'm Mr. Brown's assistant-- Chico Rodriguez.

- Can I help you? - Yeah.

My name is Charlie Markwith.

- Corporal Charlie Markwith? - [chuckles]

Oh, hey. He's upstairs changing his clothes.

- He'll be right down. - How is the old sarge?

Great. Dynamite. He told me how he's been

looking forward to this night with you for months.

- Oh, good, good. - Would you excuse me a minute?

I just got to put these clothes away.

Yeah, you go right ahead. I'll, uh--

I'll reconnoiter the area.

I was the best scout in the outfit.

You just ask the old sarge. He'll tell you.

At 100 yards, I could spot a--

[telephone rings]

A telephone.

Hey, shall I get it for you?

Hello. Ed Brown's garage.

Hey, Chico, there's a lady on the line and she's crying.

Tell her he's going and hang up.

He's going.

Mission accomplished.

Ed!

Charlie!

Ed Brown!

- Charlie Markwith! - Ah!

Sergeant Ed Brown! Oh!

Corporal Charlie Markwith!

Aww. Look at you.

You haven't changed a bit.

You still got that same red curly hair.

Hey, you haven't changed a bit either, Charlie.

You still got the same bad eyesight.

[both laugh]

Can I get you two old soldiers a drink?

Oh, this is my aide-de-camp-- Chico Rodriguez.

Oh, yeah, I met him.

What'll it be? Scotch? Rye? Bourbon?

You got anything dietetic?

Dietetic? No, I'm sorry.

- Good. I'm just supposed to ask. - I see.

- I'll take Scotch. - Yeah. Make them doubles.

Come on, Charlie. Sit down.

- Hey, he's a nice kid. - Yeah.

You know, he's a vet, too.

- Yeah? - Won a Silver Star in Vietnam.

Well, that was a whole different era.

Yeah. You mean "error."

But he went anyhow.

Ed, you are some rascal.

While you were upstairs, I answered the telephone.

Still making the girls cry.

Ahh. Well, it's a talent I can't seem to shake, Charlie.

- Here we go. - Ah, thank you.

Well, here's to you, Charlie.

- Here's to you, Ed. - Ah!

And to the whole outfit you're gonna see tonight.

Ed, you are gonna fall down.

You know who's gonna be there tonight?

- No. Who? - Shorty Mitchell.

Shorty Mitchell? Shor-- Stupid Shorty?

[laughing] Yeah.

Yeah. He was always on KP.

Yeah. What ever happened to him?

He owns a string of restaurants in the state of Ohio.

Ah. Well, good.

I'll let you GIs reminisce.

And you know who's gonna be there with Shorty tonight?

- Who? - Frankie Costigan.

- Frankie Costin? - Yeah.

The guy who couldn't hold on to anything,

was always dropping his rifle?

"Butterfingers" Frankie?

Yeah, well, nature must have been

trying to tell him something.

Today he's selling butter.

- What, is he a milkman? - Some milkman.

He's Costigan Dairies of Wisconsin.

There is none bigger.

Oh. I'm happy to hear that.

I thought you might need another drink.

Mm. No more for me, thanks.

No, I think I need one.

I couldn't help overhearing how Ed and the rest of you guys

have really done well for yourselves.

Yeah, isn't it wonderful?

Well, sorry I can't say the same for myself.

I haven't got a dime I can call my own.

Oh, Charlie! I'm sorry to hear that!

Aw, that's too bad. You know, we always thought

you were the one guy who was gonna succeed.

Well, I haven't done that bad.

What I meant about not having any money--

that is, technically, I don't have any.

My lawyers felt that if I put it into my foundation,

I could save a bundle in taxes.

Hey, we're gonna be late.

We got to meet Shorty at the hotel in 20 minutes.

Come on. There's a taxi outside.

No, no, no, no. You go ahead, Charlie.

I got to hang around and wait for the receipts

from my ten other garages.

- What other ten-- - Shh!

I'll see you at the hotel.

- Yeah, okay. So long, Chico. - Yeah. Yeah.

- So long, Charlie. - Oh, and, Ed, don't be late.

The girl pops out of the cake at 9:00!

Yeah, hey! I'll be there at quarter to 9:00.

I want to see that girl pop.

Oh, it's starting all over again.

My stomach. I think I got my ulcer again.

You're going to that reunion.

Maybe it's my gallbladder.

You're going to that reunion.

[groans]

Shorty Mitchell has got a chain of restaurants.

Charlie Markwith's got a foundation.

You're going to that reunion.

I can't go to that reunion.

Don't you understand?

All these guys are rich and successful.

They've got it made. And look at me.

What have I got? Nothing.

You got me.

Well, it's just like when Spencer Tracy had Pat O'Brien

and Pat O'Brien had Spencer Tracy

and they had each other.

And Pat O'Brien wouldn't go up on the plane.

He'd lost his nerve. But he had Spencer Tracy.

Spencer Tracy said, "What's the matter?"

"No, I can't go! I can't go!"

"Shut up, you! You're gonna get on that plane!"

"Okay, I'll go," 'cause he had Spencer Tracy. They had each other, you see.

So he got up in the plane and he flew over the enemy lines

and he found five German planes,

and they all laughed, thinking they were safe.

"Ha-ha, we're going to kill that guy." And then they...

[imitates rapid gunfire] ...machine-gun them all down.

- Then he was a hero. - I'm going. I'm going.

- I'm going. - And then he flew

back to the base, but on the way back,

he crashed into a mountain and was killed.

[imitates explosion] But that night, Spencer Tracy

felt bad 'cause the friend he'd had, Pat O'Brien,

he didn't have any more, but that night he still

felt good enough to take Loretta Young to the party

in Pat O'Brien's car.

Forgive me, Guadalupe. I lied.

Loretta Young was not even in that movie.

[both laughing]

Shh! We don't want to wake the kid.

We don't want to wake the kid.

No.

Oh, that was a terrific party, eh?

- You know something, Charlie? - Hmm?

We got to see more of each other.

- We got to keep in touch. - Yeah, yeah, yeah.

How about that Shorty Mitchell

- with his electric cane? - Yeah.

Did you see that waitress jump three feet? Ahh.

- You know what? - What?

I knew that she was gonna serve him his dessert

on his head. [chuckles]

Let's have another short one

- for the road. - Yeah, good idea.

You've got some nerve.

Hey, what's the matter with you?

Do you realize what time it is?

What's got into you? What's -- What's going on here?

Your first night out.

You don't even call me?

I stayed up half the night worrying about you.

- The kid is right, Ed. - Right? How could he be right?

He's the one who wanted me to go to the reunion.

Well, at least you could have called.

How could I call?!

There I was, sandwiched in between

Pat O'Brien and Spencer Tracy.

And Spencer Tracy said to Pat O'Brien,

"Come on, get up in that plane," and Pat O'Brien says,

"You're not gonna send a poor kid from..."

[announcer] "Chico and the Man" was recorded live

before a studio audience at NBC Studios,

Burbank, California.

[José Feliciano] ♪ Chico was born in El Barrio ♪

♪ Spent much of his time in the street ♪

♪ His mind was craving for knowledge ♪

♪ His belly for something to eat ♪

♪ But times are hard ♪

♪ For Chico and the Man ♪

♪ Times are hard ♪

♪ For Chico and the Man ♪

♪ Hey, hey, hey, alright ♪