Original subtitles

[José Feliciano] Two, three and...

[guitar playing]

♪ Chico, don't be discouraged ♪

♪ The Man, he ain't so hard to understand ♪

♪ Chico, if you try now ♪

♪ I know that you can lend a helping hand ♪

♪ Because there's good in everyone ♪

♪ And a new day has begun ♪

♪ You can see the morning sun if you try ♪

♪ And I know things will be better ♪

♪ Oh, yes, they will for Chico and the Man ♪

♪ Yes, they will, for Chico and the Man ♪

♪ Even though he's funny, he don't understand, yeah ♪

Alright. Rise and shine.

Rise and shine!

Come on, Chico!

Andy Granatelli's already been up for three hours!

Oh, these kids. They drive you out of your mind.

[sighs] Well, I'll have to use a different approach.

♪ Dum, dum-dum, dum-dum, Granada ♪

♪ Da-da-da, da-dee-dee-da ♪

♪ Da-da-da, dee-da-dee-da ♪

♪ La-da, da-dee-dah ♪

♪ Da-dee-dah, da-dee-dah, Grenada ♪

♪ La-da, da-dee-dah ♪

♪ Da-dee, la-la-la ♪

- ♪ La-da-dah-dah -- ♪ - ♪ Grenada! ♪

Why aren't you sleeping in the van like I thought?

Are you kidding, man? Don't you know Andy Granatelli

- has been up for three hours? - Yeah?

Well, why did you leave the garage without telling me?

I came into your bedroom and told you.

How many times have I told you?

Don't come in my bedroom

and tell me something while I'm sleeping.

But you answered me. You said I could go.

Oh. Well, that's because I was dreaming

and I thought you meant you were going forever.

Listen, Ed, why don't you have a cup of coffee?

I just made it. It's in the office.

You'll feel a lot better.

And don't try to weasel out of this.

- I am not a weasel. - No?

How'd you get in my garage?

How'd you get to work for me?

How'd you get into my coffee pot?

- I'm a weasel. - Yeah.

I see I've got to teach you the ten commandments.

I think I know them already.

No, these are my commandments.

- Don't they belong to Moses? - Mine are different.

Number one is, "Thou shall not leave the premises

- without telling me." - But I did tell you.

Number two is don't argue with me.

Okay.

Number three is stop cleaning up the garage

and leave it the way I like it -- dirty.

Alright, Ed, you will be on the Sanitation Department's

most dirty old man list.

Number four, call me "Mr. Brown."

Mr. Brown. Okay, Ed.

Number six--

What happened to number five?

Number five is don't be a wise guy.

Okay, Ed, I will treat you with the respect of a son.

And that's another thing-- get that idea

right out of your head.

I'm not your father, and I'm not your uncle.

- How about a second cousin? - No way.

- Close friend of the family? - Forget it.

I could use a pen pal.

Fine. Why don't you move to Alaska

so I can look forward to your letters?

Am I coming through loud and clear?

Absolutely. If Moses had been as clear,

he would have gotten his people out of the desert a lot sooner.

Hey, what are those?

Ways to improve our business.

You just broke the rest of my commandments--

don't try to change my method of operation!

What's in those books?

They're repair manuals for foreign cars.

I told you, don't try to change things!

But I bought these B.C.

B.C.?

Before commandments.

These books are gonna bring us into the 20th century.

I've been in the 20th century over 60 years,

and I still don't like it.

Look, there's a whole new world of foreign cars out there,

and we've got to be ready for them.

These books are gonna help us.

Suppose a Ferrari comes in, expensive Italian car.

I got the manual.

[Italian accent] Ah, buongiorno, paisan.

My name is Chico Falconeri.

I'm your authorized Ferrari mechanic.

[imitating Vito Corleone] Uh, those Italian drivers

are very wild.

Rome didn't fall. It was hit by a car.

Let's say a Japanese car comes in.

[Japanese accent] Oh, "herro, rittle" car.

I am Chico Matsumoto.

I will "flix" your Datsun with "gleat plide,"

and if I fail to "flix"-- kck!--

my "blother" will do it.

[British accent] Oh, I say! A Rolls-Royce!

Good evening, your Lordship. So nice of you to come in.

Is your Rolls bothering you? Yes.

Well, let's have a look under the bonnet there.

Oh, of course. Your radiator's dry.

- All it needs is a spot of tea. - Yeah.

Well, what I need is a shot of bourbon.

Here, let me show you something.

Well, what do you think?

Tell me what it is, and I'll tell you what I think.

This is what cars are all about today.

This chart will show us how to control them.

Chart? That's like saying Picasso

painted by the numbers.

- Didn't he? - Listen, Chico.

A good mechanic uses his wrench like a painter

uses his brush -- by instinct.

Okay, so, you got instincts, but you also got

an empty garage. I'm bringing you technology.

I don't need technology.

- Nobody knows you're here. - Yeah?

Nobody knew Van Gogh was alive until after he was dead.

Sure they did. All the time, they used to be

going, "Hey, look at the funny guy with the one ear."

Hey, don't you see? You've got a Model T mind

in a Maserati world.

[Mabel] Mail call!

Mail call!

Oh, good morning, Ed.

That's your opinion.

Pay up.

[sighs] Doo-doo-doo.

What is this?

It's a standing bet.

He gives me four to one every morning

that you won't give me a civil answer.

Four to one? If I were you, I'd ask for better odds.

Isn't it amazing?

No matter what side of the bed you fall out of,

you never land sunny side up.

That's because the first thing I see in the morning

is you bringing me those bills.

Hey, is that any way to talk to your mailman?

- It's not his fault. - Hey, don't you start

with me, Chico. I'm not a mailman.

I am a mail person.

Mm, that's your 20th-century technology for you.

A woman delivering mail when she should be home

delivering babies.

And a kid off the streets trying to tell me

I don't know what I've been doing for the last 30 years.

I showed him some pictures in a book and it kind of upset him.

Oh, yeah? What kind of book?

You know, dealing with new techniques.

New techniques? [chuckles]

At your age, you should know them all.

Oh, come on.

This has got to do with motors.

Ooh, that is a new technique.

No, no, no. I'm talking about foreign cars.

- Oh, in a foreign car? - Oh, come on, Mabel.

- Give me my mail. - Oh, yeah, sure.

Bill.

Bill.

Bill.

Oh. Final notice.

And a calendar.

- Anything for me? - Oh, not today.

Well, I was expecting a letter from my cousin.

He's on his way to making a fortune.

Oh, really? Doing what?

He's an inventor. He just invented a new dog food

that tastes just like a mailman's leg.

Boy, why do I always get sucked into your stories?

Hey. This girl is totally nude!

No, she's not. She got on a shower cap.

Mabel, does your mother know

you're out delivering nude calendars?

My mother posed for that picture.

Oh, I'm wasting my time talking to you.

No. Listen to her, Ed. Get the woman's point of view.

They own 50% of the cars in the country.

Yeah, and they cause 90% of the accidents.

We can afford to. We control 90% of the money.

You know, I don't know why you take care of cars.

You should be shoeing horses.

Progress, huh? That's your idea of progress?

Would you take a girl like this home to your mother's house?

Only if I knew my mother wasn't gonna be home.

Oh, no, you don't.

Well, I got to know what day it is, man.

Well, ask me every day.

Just ask me every day, and I'll tell you.

If you want to hang something on the wall,

put up a picture of Henry Aaron.

Who wants to look at a naked baseball player?

Ohh.

[vehicle approaching]

[engine revs] Oh, that's beautiful.

Yeah, those Italians sure know how to make cars.

It's German.

Yeah, built by Italian workers.

What can we do for you, sir?

[man] Well, you can either stop those wipers

or make it rain, but do it quickly for me,

will you, Pops? I'm on my way to the track.

And while you're at it, why don't you check the air

- in the rear tires for me? - Check the tires.

I'll handle this.

They, uh--

- They ever do this before? - Yeah.

Well, looks like they're doing it again.

Look, uh, I got a sure thing in the first race, you know?

So can we kind of hurry this up, please?

Oh, sure, sure. Turn your motor off.

It is off.

It's off?

Well, these things shouldn't be doing this.

You know anything about these cars?

The car hasn't been made that I can't handle.

That's what I like-- a man with confidence.

Now, if you've got the brains to go with it,

I'll be able to make the track.

- What are you trying to do? - It's a trick.

I'm trying to put the car on my shoulder.

You open that from the inside.

Alright, open it. Yeah, that's better.

Uh -- Hey!

- Where's your motor? - It's in the back!

Oh, okay.

Ed, maybe I should get the manual.

You get the manual, and I'll break your arm.

Get the manual. I'll fix your arm.

You have any idea why your car is acting this way?

- Yeah. Comes from a broken home. - Alright, alright, man.

I'm a mechanic. I'm like a doctor.

- I got to ask questions. - Alright.

I was driving down the freeway.

A cop was following me. I slowed down.

Next thing I know, my wipers started going back and forth,

back and forth, back and forth.

Sounds like nervous anxiety to me.

What?

Well, you said you were driving down the freeway, right?

You saw a cop. He saw you speeding.

You slam on the brakes. Your fear was transmitted

to your windshield wipers, causing a nervous tick.

- You're putting me on. - What's the matter?

You don't believe inanimate objects have feelings?

I tell you a story. I had a grandmother.

God rest her soul.

When she died, her rocking chair

loved her so much, it kept on rocking.

Yeah, I saw that picture on the late show, too.

Yeah. Wasn't it great, right? At the end,

the basement door kept opening, going--

[imitates door creaking]

- Ow! - [man] What happened?

I don't know. I think something bit me.

You guys don't know what you're doing.

I mean, you're both as loony

as the guy who sent me in here.

Admit it -- you don't know anything about this car.

Oh, no? Your wipers have stopped moving, haven't they?

- [horn honking] - Oh, great.

Now the horn's going!

Don't worry. I'll fix it.

He'll take care of it.

- [honking stops] - Yeah, I got it.

♪♪

Now the radio's going!

Will you settle for a little music?

You're not a mechanic! You're a butcher!

Listen, one crack out of you, and I'll have your liver

on the end of these pliers. Now stand back.

♪♪

[music stops]

There you are!

How about that?

[music resumes horn honking]

Ed? Ed?

Ed?

Ed, where are you going?

You were right, kid.

Technology is in. Instincts are out.

And that means I'm through.

[music and honking continue]

[knocking on door]

- Who is it? - [Chico] It's breakfast.

Oh, go away.

[Chico] I made some nice muffins

and eggs just like you like them -- burnt on both sides.

I'm not hungry.

How long are you gonna stay in bed?

Forever.

Hey, listen, you didn't get up for lunch yesterday.

You didn't get up for dinner. And why?

Just because you saw with your own eyes

that sometimes technology helps.

Now, look, I made hot coffee, strawberry jam, muffins,

brought you the newspaper and a nice flower.

Okay, Mary Poppins, bring it over.

I'm not Mary Poppins.

I am Igor, your faithful servant.

And I know my master's not feeling well.

Oh, curse that gypsy with his funny automobile

that did all those crazy things.

He has made my master sad, and he shall pay.

- [laughs evilly] - Yeah.

Well, you bring that tray over here, or you'll pay for it.

Oh, good. Soon you'll be well enough to beat me again.

To beat me.

I really do it better in Spanish.

How'd you like me to do it in Spanish?

How'd you like this tray on your head?

- Sorry, master. - Okay, Igor,

back to the dungeon.

Oh, please, let me stay.

I love to sit and watch people eat.

Good. I'll get you a season pass to a diner.

I made the muffins myself.

Yeah?

[muffin clangs]

Who helped you lift them out of the oven?

Oh, this is ridiculous. I feel silly.

I haven't had breakfast in bed since my honeymoon.

- You and Margaret, huh? - Yeah. Me and Margaret.

Boy, I'll never forget it.

We were so young and so shy.

She spent the first two days phoning her mother.

On the phone for two days? Didn't that upset you?

No. She called collect.

Yeah, but what about the nights, you son of a gun?

Oh, the nights. A lot of fun.

I won four bucks playing gin rummy with the bellhop.

Hey, this coffee isn't bad. What'd you do to it?

[whistles]

Nice try, kid, but it's no use.

It won't work. Here, hold this.

- What won't work? - [groans]

Hey, you didn't even taste the muffins.

Oh, no, muffins aren't important anymore.

[sighs] Put it down. I want to show you something.

Come on over here.

Here. You see that?

A gold-plated wrench.

Right. Read the inscription.

"To Ed Brown, master mechanic, 1935."

Yeah. My boss gave me that after my first year on the job.

Well, you're still a master mechanic.

Oh, it's no use, kid.

Not after yesterday.

- I've lost my touch. - You did not.

Oh, come on. Forget it, kid. When it goes, it goes.

Same thing happened to Jack Dempsey,

Sandy Koufax, Eddie Arcaro.

But you're in your prime, Ed. Look at the way you're built.

What are you talking about? I'm a wreck.

Yeah, but you look great for a wreck.

Hey, and after you shave, you'll look even better.

Oh, what have I got to shave for?

Are you kidding? Every once in a while,

a good-looking old dame comes in here.

No use, kid. I'm all washed up.

If you want to know the truth, I can't handle 50% of the cars

that come in here, and I know it.

Well, then...

we'll just avoid that 50%.

You've got to get this through your head.

I've lost the one thing that made me a master mechanic.

With Jack Dempsey, it was his legs.

With Sandy Koufax, it was his arm.

With Eddie Arcaro, it was his weight.

And with me, it's my instinct.

And in my business, once you lose your instinct,

you're finished.

Mmm. This muffin is delicious.

Is that all you can say?

Coffee isn't bad, either.

You're taking the end of my career pretty lightly.

No, I'm not.

Well, you don't look very sad.

I am very sad, but I know you hate

to see a grown man cry.

I'm not asking you to cry!

But the least you could do is, well, something.

Okay. Tell you what I'm gonna do.

I'm gonna eat the other muffin.

My heart is broken!

My whole career is flashing before my eyes,

and you're eating my muffin!

What are you yelling at me for?

Well, the least you could do is ask me not to quit!

Ed, not only did you lose your instinct.

I think you lost your hearing, as well.

I begged you not to quit.

You did? Well, let's hear it again.

Okay, okay.

Please. I'm begging you. Don't quit.

You call that begging?

That's not begging.

A man who begs, begs with feeling,

with sincerity, with sensitivity, with emotion.

You could have said, "Ed, you're a wonderful man

"with a tremendous talent.

Don't quit."

Or, "Ed, Ed,

"you're in the prime of your life.

"Don't allow yourself to be defeated by one lousy car.

Please don't quit."

Or, "Ed, you're an inspiration to all of us.

"I've got so much to learn from you.

"Ed, for the sake of the community,

please, please don't quit!"

There. That's begging.

[sniffling]

Come on, Chico. You know I hate to see a grown man cry.

[gasps] I can't help it.

You were magnificent.

Not only are you a master mechanic.

You're a master beggar, too.

You convinced me.

Well, I didn't convince myself.

I quit. [grumbles]

[grumbles]

[grumbles]

[Mabel] Mail call!

Mail call!

- Oh, good morning, Chico. - Good morning.

Oh, I see you're taking grouchy lessons from your boss.

I'm not grouchy. I'm angry.

Oh, he gives angry lessons, too.

- Where is he? - He's upstairs retiring!

Hey, Chico. Chico, I'm over here.

What do you mean, he's retiring? What's he doing up there?

He's playing checkers with Dempsey, Arcaro, and Koufax!

Oh, not Sandy Koufax?

And I hope you lose!

Hey, are they playing for money?

Do you know what it means to care for somebody?

Oh, Chico.

Thanks.

But I'm really not right for you.

I cheat.

Mabel, you're not listening to me.

You know he shouldn't retire.

Right, right.

Oh, boy. Instead of a mail person,

I should have been a psychiatrist.

Perfect, Mabel.

[door closes]

That was a short retirement, man.

I was just telling Mabel

how you were putting me on about retiring.

[Ed grumbling]

You were putting me on, weren't you?

Uh, we took in $6 already.

[cash register dings]

Now I know you're not retiring.

That's the "Eddie Brown, master mechanic, 1974," we all miss.

[vehicle approaches, horn honks]

I'll take care of that. Stay where you are.

Yes, sir. What can I do for you?

Yes. My temperature's off.

My wife said it was either my fan belt or my water hose.

Let's see if your wife's right.

She usually is.

Uh-oh. This could be a toughie.

Ed, would you do me a favor and take a look at this?

Got a busted fan belt.

Hey, you're right. Is that a great mechanic?

Notice how he spotted it right away.

Yeah, but will he fix it right away?

How about, Ed? Will you?

- No, - But I can't fix it.

I'm no good with fan belts.

- You'll learn. - With your help.

- No way. - Come on, Ed.

One more fan belt for the Gipper.

Never mind. My wife will fix it for me.

[engine starts]

Where you going?

Ed, I'm too young to run this vast enterprise by myself.

You stay in the garage business long enough,

you'll get old fast enough.

Okay. If that's the way you're gonna be,

how much do you want for the garage?

Whatever it's worth.

I got that on me.

[horn honking, music playing]

[engine revs]

Please!

[car door opens]

That car destroyed me! Get it out of here!

You? Destroyed you?!

I've had this car to nine authorized mechanics!

If you can't fix it, I have to ship it back

to Germany to be repaired!

He can fix it. He's been a master mechanic

since 1935, and he's got a wrench to prove it.

Get this car out of here!

Come on. Be like Jack Dempsey. Get up off the canvas, Ed.

What do you know about Jack Dempsey?

You want me to get down on one knee?

- Two knees?! - I'll get down with him!

[music and honking continue]

Now, let's see. First I went like this.

Then I went like this.

Then I went like this.

[spits]

Just watch those magic fingers.

[honking stops]

The horn stopped.

I got it.

Now I went like this. [spits]

[music stops]

The radio's fixed.

Then I went like this.

Well, two out of three ain't bad.

It's gonna be three out of three.

There. Put these in your pocket and keep them till it rains.

[Chico] Monsieur? Monsieur?

Yeah? What is it?

Your table is ready.

Ohh. I don't think my stomach is ready.

Chez Chico is proud of its menu.

The chef has spent three hours preparing an hors d'oeuvres,

the specialty of the house.

What's the specialty of the house?

- Muffins. - Oh.

And the wine is compliments

of the man with the windshield wipers.

Hey, what's this all about?

It's your 20th-century coming out party.

And now, before I serve the main course,

a little song for the guest of honor.

[guitar strums]

♪ There once was a mechanic named Ed Brown ♪

♪ He was the greatest mechanic in this whole darn town ♪

♪ And sometimes he is up and sometimes he is down ♪

♪ And when he's down, he was no man to be around ♪

♪ Then into the corral come a man named Chico ♪

♪ Tall and good-looking, not your average freak-o ♪

♪ He could tune a car and fix a tire ♪

♪ And for the old man, he'd go through the muck and the mire ♪

[guitar strums]

♪♪

[announcer] "Chico and the Man" was recorded live

before a studio audience at NBC Studios,

Burbank, California.

[José Feliciano] ♪ Chico was born in El Barrio ♪

♪ Spent much of his time in the street ♪

♪ His mind was craving for knowledge ♪

♪ His belly for something to eat ♪

♪ But times are hard ♪

♪ For Chico and the Man ♪

♪ Times are hard ♪

♪ For Chico and the Man ♪

♪ Hey, hey, hey, alright ♪