All language subtitles for Candidatul.Perfect.2024.720p.WEBRip.x264.AAC-[YTS.MX]

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WE DO NOT ACCEPT "GIFTS"

Oh, man!

What are they doing, building offices now?

- Who's next?
- Hello.

- Enter.
- Excuse me.

I talked to Mrs. Cornelia, you know? To…

Oh, but you shouldn't have! Enter.

- Wait a minute, I am…
- Wait a bit longer.

What…?

Next.

- Sorry! It's an emergency!
- Hold on. The lady may enter.

Lady? She's three years old!

- The lady has a small child!
- Why do you think I brought her?

Don't you know they gave those hipsters
that new law?

Wait.

I don't care!

Don't look, honey.

Hashtag "resist", commie!

Someday you're gonna enrage
the wrong people and will…

- I say nothing, I have common sense.
- Next?

- Hello…
- Please.

- Mr. Jean sent me with a favor…
- Mr. Jean who? Where you going?

Ma'am, I'm standing in line
for two hours, okay?

Was I the last when you came?
I was the last one.

- Yes.
- Yes? Are you mocking us?

He wants to enter first
because he has connections?

- Do I look stupid?
- No, no…

Have you calmed down?

I am calm!

Very well. There's no problem, okay?

Now we solve everything, everything!

Okay… Because we didn't die
in the Revolution for nothing!

Come on… Come on, nice… well done.

Okay. Here we have the department
"residence parking lots",

he is my cousin, my child,
stand up straight,

my goddaughter, this is her daughter,
Andra, her godson…

- The goddaughter's godson or Andra's?
- Andra's, yeah.

Sir, what do you think
we're doing here? Nepotism?

Please, okay? All right, who else?

The godfather of her godson
and her godfather's godson's cousin.

Okay, and here at the end, whatever,
is Veronica, EU funds expert.

We don't pay much attention to her,
she's gonna get fired anyway. Come.

Why, she's not doing her job?

No, she does her job very well.
She works very hard, but…

You know, she ain't got no family
around here.

Go ahead.

I came to you with a case.

I have a neighbor who wants
to steal my parking space.

I park in that spot for ten years.

And now, because it's a one-way street,
he says it's his place

and he parks there
and I have no right to park there.

Mr. Dan, come here!

Who's the boy?
Shall we play "guess the lineage"?

Your mama's eyes,
your big mama's nostrils,

and the ears are from your brother.

He's a nephew. Okay, hired!

- Veronica!
- Yes!

- Get your stuff together and…
- No! Man!

The boy here has come up with a case,
look at it.

Parking… neighbor Tudor… no right…

Yeah, sounds like an easy case.

Who are you from?

From…

me.

That's funny!

Okay. Now, seriously, who are you from?

Some MP cousin, an aunt in the ministry?

We also accept in-laws, no problem.

We are not like we used to be,
now we've changed.

We accept godparents, godfathers,
spiritual parents…

I don't know, sir, I have no one!

Then how can I help you?

And I almost shut down Solitaire!

Please excuse my husband.

Yeah, so you don't have any relation,
nothing.

Then maybe… I don't know,
we get along somehow… I don't know.

Ma'am, you want me to bribe you?

What? Did I say something about a bribe?

Pardon!
Sir, I didn't tell you anything about it!

Ten thousand lei.

- How much money? I don't have that!
- What money? I said nothing!

Ten thousand lei. Perfect.

- How can I give you so much?
- What money?

- Hey!
- Ouch!

Hey, Nico, is that you?
I haven't seen you in ages!

Yeah, girl, I'm on sick leave
for four years.

God forbid, I could have….

I came to borrow some supplies
for my son, he's starting school.

- Ma'am!
- Yes.

I have every right
to come in here and complain

that after all you're paid from my taxes!

Yes, yes… Whoops! It's 12:00!

Lunch break!

- Until when?
- Well, until tomorrow!

If you don't know someone important…

The stakes are high for the party
who will win the presidential election.

EU promises Romania next year
20 billion euros for development.

Also companies like Google,
Amazon and Tesla

would be interested in coming to Romania.
With so much money from abroad,

it remains to be seen
who will share the spoils.

It could use more parsley.

I washed my face with it.

Mr. Yellowish!

Where did you get this?

My cousin works in Brussels.

Escort.

An MEP client gave it to her.

Dear colleagues, we're fucked.

EU will hit us with a fine
of 40 billion euros next year

for all that has been stolen
in the last 20 years.

The bill.

Basically, the bill has arrived.

My God! There will be
nothing to steal for four years?

How did it get here?

Oh, you fool, you're at ground floor!

You're fucking crushing those pansies!

City hall pansies, 100 euros each!

A dog pissed here!

What solutions do you propose?

Maybe if we stole less…

- Damn you!
- Shut the hell up!

Get the hell inside!

We will find 40 billion euros.

We take it from something useless,
education or health,

because you die anyway… stupid.

Or could we tax churches?

I apologize, Father.

Everybody who didn't rob the ARO company
with me, to leave the room.

We must lose the elections,

without the EU money,
we really have to work.

You know she's allergic to the "W" word.

How to lose elections? I'm still paying
installments for the bribe!

We must lose the elections badly,
not to destroy the party!

Călin, the polls show 38% in your favor!

I'm out. We'll find a fake candidate…
A puppet.

- We call him party leader…
- We put the PM in your place…

And we let him embarrass us.

Until the elections,
has every chance of dragging us down.

Great!

Is there a member
with a college degree?

- We all went to college!
- Real college!

Andra, the intern.

Andra!

Hello.

What is your education?

International law
and Economic Policy, at Brussels.

What do voters want today?

Andra, this is your chance!

OK. People today

seeks equality, diversity,
equal rights and common sense.

Good! I like the way this girl thinks.

We need the opposite of everything
she said.

- Andra! Come here.
- Yes…

What an honor!

College in Brussels…

- And master degree.
- And master degree!

- Do you speak Brussels?
- A bit.

A bit!

Dude, aren't you ashamed?
You're pulling us up!

We don't want your kind in politics!
You're spoiling the market!

Wash that damn car!

Very important.
The party mustn't know what we're doing.

Yes, yes, yes…

More importantly,
Redish and PSL can't know about the fine.

Let them win the elections
and break their necks!

Blind, Cheese, do we have files
for all party members?

- Of course!
- See you tomorrow at my house.

- With everything?
- All.

That's a lot.

Cheese. Come with me.

Come here.

- I'm fine.
- Come here.

Slap me.

Slap me!

- Are you hitting me?
- Me?

I'll give you an one-two
and you'll fly under that car!

Simona!

Sit.

We need someone
not to know he's being manipulated.

Even like it.

We need a fool.

This one betrayed, this one betrayed,

they arrested him,
they're gonna arrest him…

We have some OK, but not stupid enough.

We have a party member in Focșani
which has only four classes.

Half the Senate is the same.

In Titan district we have
an old party member, 30-something years.

Unemployed, only high school, got fired
from everywhere he worked,

last year's candidate
as building president and lost.

- So what? If he lost, so what?
- A dead man won!

- Dead man?
- Dead man.

Let me see.

Costică…

Officials will get the money.

In Slatina, the mayor has solved poverty
in a simple way.

He made it illegal.
Who still considers themselves poor…

That's why nothing works in this country.

…will be fined 500 lei.

If it were up to me…

- No!
- Go lower.

I said don't leave the scooter here,
God damn it!

Move it, I know you're keeping
the space for your brother!

What do you want, drunkard?

Watch your mouth
with the deputy building manager, bitch!

It's not a real job! Your dad put you
to sweep, so he doesn't hire anyone!

It's a job! Pro bono!

Where does it write your parking space?
Let me see.

- It does!
- Where?

In your mamma!

Grandpa parked here, dad parked here,
I'll park here.

Man, if it were me
president in this country…

- Get your hands off me!
- Get outta here!

You didn't make building president!

- Go to your building entrance!
- That's my entrance!

It's not! Because you're adopted!
Fuck you!

I am not adop…

How can you talk about this?
I'll beat the shit out of you!

- What, man, are picking on my brother?
- What are you doing?

You're putting your brother
to steal the parking space?

To steal what from you, you poor thing,

it's not your parking space
and here it's one way street!

- Mom! Am I adopted?
- I'm pissing on your one-way street!

Do you think I don't know that you
gave bribe at the city?

What bribe did I give?
I paid, it's the law!

- Hey!
- You fool, leave my baby alone!

Aren't you ashamed to adopt children?

- So it's your parking space, huh?
- Yes!

Look! I spit on it!

See if I will not get your car towed!
Just watch me!

And I spit on your car!

- Hey, hey…
- What, man?

Did you see?

- Am I adopted?
- He said "adapted," man.

Adap… "adapted" he said, man? Did he?

- Do you want another one?
- Is that all you got?

You hit like a lady.

Mr. Broken!

Mr. Broken!

Mr. Broken!

NO PARKIN

Do you have five minutes
to discuss somewhere privately?

Get in the car.

Ma'am,

my father taught me not to get in a car
with strangers,

unless they have booze.

Please.

Oh, romantic!

- Gramercy!
- Simona Windy.

I know.

Anyone over 19

masturbated at least once thinking of you.

Sorry.

Thinking of you, ma'am.

I am honest,
I say everything that comes into my head.

That's why I'm here.

You're a party member for 20 years.

I forgot.

- I joined when I was a kid.
- But you're still a member.

Your status never expired.

It's 200 lei to renew your membership.

What for?

Elections are coming. The big ones.

And do you want me to hand out leaflets?

I'm in! How much a day?
Still 50 lei plus drinks?

Mr. Yellowish thought
that we need new faces in the party,

unspoiled people like you.

We want you to run for president.

Come on, ma'am, I didn't make
40 neighbors to vote for me,

let alone a whole country!

What is this, schnapps?

The truth is,
this whole building president thing…

you don't have to tell anyone,

but we made you lose the election.

Come on! How come?

I manipulated your neighbors
not to vote for you,

to for you to be free for your country.

Romania needs a man to tell it like it is.

I was sure!

I was sure I wasn't that stupid
that only my father would vote for me!

- But I have no experience.
- You have us.

We believe in you a lot.

I…

I believe in you a lot.

I really believe that you
can change something in this country.

Even one-way streets?

You can't keep your mouth shut, Costică.

You can't say everything
that comes into your head.

Well, if we all say what we think,
there would only be wars!

I wanted you to be proud of me!

Yes… you were stupid,
that's what you were!

I voted for you!
The others voted Tudor's father.

Never mind! He's dead!

I was supposed to be building president!
I have one vote!

Out of 50! 49 for Tudor's father!
Well, his son is the unofficial president!

We're both off unofficial!

Anyway,

I got an offer to run
where things are really decided.

- Pension House.
- To the presidency, man!

- How so?
- Like that!

They charged me 200 lei to renew
my membership, and I gave them.

They say I have potential
to change things in the country, to…

I have to pay 200 lei.

- Good evening. The utilities.
- Four hundred and fifty-six.

- Tell her, man! Tell her too!
- What?

The PLS told me they wanted me to be
their presidential candidate.

So, they took 200 lei from him

and they promised to make him
President of Romania.

This one's never heard
of the "Accident" method!

Come on, Costică, seriously!

If you become president, I quit Onlyfans!

Yo…

What?

I mean, I would, if I did. Which I don't.

Anyway, listen to him!
President of Romania!

What a pussy!

How stupid he is, but to see his father!
You know Marin!

He's allowed to smoke in the elevator,
it's not the stairwell!

Hey! Hey, hold on!

Leave the car!

Hey, leave the car!

What have you done, Mr. President?
He confiscated your limo?

Who called them?

Mr. President, do you call NATO
to give us hot water?

I got beeps from this number.

Costică!

You don't have minutes.

The party can't wait to meet you.

Mr. Broken!

My respects. I'm Călin Yellowish.

I know who you are.
You are the party president.

Well, we'll see. They say I can't cope.

They say we need someone younger,
fresher, like you.

- Well, I don't know…
- Me neither.

But in 30 years of politics

I learned that sometimes
it's healthy to step aside.

Ready to help Romania?

Yes.

You know,
I have opinions about everything.

About the ceiling, about soccer,

about the economy,
about unique meanings, whatever.

Man, he's so stupid!

For travel and subsistence expenses.

What are you doing, not reading first?

What to read, because if we read all day
we'd never leave the house!

You don't get out! All day…

Damn it!

Colleagues, before we present to the party
the candidate Broken,

I want to make him look like
a real politician.

- Sure!
- Yeah… Come on over there.

Nice thing, what thrift shop is it from?

Okay. We got something to work with.

We need to do something about this.

What? Well, I don't have a belly.

That's exactly the problem.
You need a little tummy.

Let the people see
that you'll have enough to eat tomorrow.

Romanians do not vote
for slim politicians.

- What about you?
- We have been appointed.

Don't jinx it!
Like a senator for countryside!

Shake it! There you go…

Now hard… now sincere…

Now that corrupt look.

VOTE COSTICĂ BROKEN FOR PRESIDENT

Okay.

You have to choose your dowry.

What type of buckets you give

says a lot about you, as a politician.

Same with rice.

The Oltenians prefer short-grain.

Ardelenians are rich,
they want long-grain.

Man, I'm so hungry!

SOMETHING AND HONOUR

Training is over.
You're ready to be a politician.

With God ahead! God help!

Yes, what should we do?

Well, for you to be a candidate,
everyone has to vote for you as leader.

They will collect
the necessary signatures.

You know how it is.
Everybody dreams of being president.

What fools!

Are you ready to be party leader?

- Yes, but what should I do?
- Nothing. We convince them.

Go, go, go!

I made you a minister, asshole!

I'll kill your kids, you hear me?
How are you looking at me?

Hey, get your hands off her!
I'm talking here, I'm the boss!

Negotiations.

I'll kill you!

You bite the other ball!

The vote is over.

Democratic, as it should be.

This way.

He looks and moves perfectly.

Redish won't suspect a thing.

Simona, don't let him out of your sight.

You make sure he makes a fool of himself
wherever he goes.

Don't worry.

I have every interest
for you to be president in four years,

because you're gonna need a tough premier.

Călin Yellowish, PLS leader,

main promoters of parsley in soup,

has an important announcement to make.

We have achieved many great things
in the last year.

- Highways, 400 meters.
- It rained a lot!

- At the villages.
- At the villages!

Thousands of hungry children received
semi-professional soccer equipment.

- To conquer their hunger!
- Great!

But there's more to do for Romania.

Therefore, with emotion in my heart,

I announce my retirement

from the leadership
of the Liberal Social Party.

- But alas, I can't believe it!
- Yes!

What an abandonment trauma!

Romania needs someone younger,
a visionary.

Meet the new President
of the Liberal Social Party.

- Costică Broken.
- Man!

I don't know what to say to them.

You have to speak your mind.
Just those smart ideas of yours, huh?

What if I don't know anything?

Now you're a politician.

Especially if you know nothing, it's
essential to have a point of view. Go.

Cheers!

I'm happy to…

I'm happy to be President.

Who is this… who is this, man?

A monkey.
I don't care, they're all the same.

Why be party leader?

Are you also running for president?
Why should people vote for you?

Why not?

That after, in any election
all the assholes are running.

Why not me?

What can I spoil
that wasn't already spoiled?

Now a whole country will know
how stupid he is, not just our building!

It's normal that on the first day
of the campaign

you have a cigarette
and a drink in your hand?

Yes, that's normal,

because from my tobacco tax
highways are being built.

- Is that why you drink?
- Yes! That's why I drink!

That if I didn't drink and smoke,
you didn't have hospitals!

- We don't have any!
- Because you don't drink!

Because if you drink, you have all that!

From my taxes on vice
this country was built!

Another question.

You don't seem to understand reality
or words in general.

What they recommend as party leader?

As party leader,

yo momma recommends me!

He told him about his momma!

Yo momma recommends me as party leader.

Fuck you, asshole!

- Come on, sir, no!
- Abuse!

Press! Abuse!

I'm already thinking
where Redish will go to jail.

Bite her!

- Abuse! Freedom of the press!
- Uncle Iulian!

Pour another liter of highway.

Technocrat, intellectual,
shadow businessman…

Nobody knows what he does,
but one thing is clear:

New PLS candidate for President of Romania

is Costică Broken.

Who?

Who?

Who?

Have you seen the News?

Yellowish is no longer running,
he put another one.

He must have realized
he doesn't stand a chance to win.

Four years of hard work
to be president now…

- Well, that means…
- It means!

It means he wants to remain PM,

to make the laws and steal
all that money coming in.

As president you don't make money,
you're too visible.

At parliamentary elections
vote twice fewer fools,

although that's where the money is.

Listen to me,
the government makes this country.

- Sir.
- Hi.

A little present

not to have the restaurant
shut down by Health department.

- What is there?
- A borsch with meatballs.

How nice, more traditional,
more modesty, as we like it!

Put it in the back.

We'll help you.
We'll do anything for ordinary people.

- Thank you.
- God bless.

Liviul, give me a tissue
I've reached poverty.

Here, boss.

This Costică is an imbecile.
Would you vote for him?

Me? I am a real Romanian,

I've never voted
for who I want in my life.

Well, you see? That's what I say!
I don't think I'm running either.

I'm putting my son in my place.
Let's go to him.

HERE LIVES VIOREL REDISH
HONORARY CITIZEN OF IAȘI

You must become the President of Romania!

Dad, I don't want to work!

You need to be
the President of Romania, Siminel.

- To help daddy in business.
- But I won't! Let uncle do it!

All in this family has a criminal record!

Including your mother!

But it doesn't make any sense, really!

My friends will laugh,
that I'm no longer a money child!

They'll call me "employee"!

They'll make me an access card!
You know books scare me!

They'll bully me at Monaco!

If you don't become president, Siminel,

goodbye asphalt contracts,
goodbye revolutionary certificate!

Eight years in opposition,
we have nothing to take from Moldova,

we must take from the Transylvanians,
fuck those democrats assholes!

I don't want to work!
I don't want to! I'm coming out!

Gross! Work!

If you don't become president of Romania,
I confiscate your escorts!

Come on! We laugh, we joke,

but we are still human,
we are not animals.

Yes? Ladies, please!

Dad, not the escorts! Please, dad!

Just leave me one,
I will have no one to talk to!

- No, please don't go!
- Let her go!

The escorts go to their homes,
also paid with my money

and they'll be there
until you get diligent!

Siminel,

if you become president of Romania,

we will be in power
and you can make whatever laws you want!

Legalizing escorts?

No, economy,
land seizures, forest confiscations…

First Escort Program!

How did he become such an idiot at 35,
I don't understand!

- Thirty-seven.
- What?

- Thirty-seven.
- You don't even know how old I am!

Did I tell you they want
to make me president?

Did I tell you I'm not a fool?

- Yeah?
- I'm not coming home!

- Hey…
- I have a place to sleep.

- I have powerful friends.
- Where have you been?

- Don't worry.
- Come home! Come home, do you hear me?

How? If I give a… He's lucky he's my dad!

- Who were you arguing with?
- My dad.

That it's not a good thing
to became president.

He should be more supportive.

That's how he backs me up.

- Calling you stupid?
- Well, doesn't every dad do that?

Wait, where are you going?
Let's say goodbye.

Mommy kisses you. Money's on the table.

- Listen! Is it hard being a politician?
- No big deal.

You just need to know
how to lie without blinking.

- Well, that's not nice.
- But it is necessary.

Romanians cannot bear to hear the truth.

You have to tell them what they want
to hear, to get what you want.

- But I don't know how to lie.
- But don't lie.

Tell the opposite of truth,
for their own good. And for your own good.

After all, it's a common good, right?

I didn't understand anything,
but you convinced me.

Wait, wait!

- Mommy kisses you.
- Do you know what I don't understand?

What's the difference between PLS and PSL?
It sounds the same.

Parsley!

- Parsley?
- Yes.

After 30 years of switching sides,

the only difference between the left
and right is parsley.

Right-wingers love parsley in soup.

- The leftists hate it.
- Sounds stupid.

- Do you like parsley in your soup?
- Of course. What am I, an animal?

- See? You're a liberal-social.
- Hello! Can't we say hello?

You don't deserve it!

How can you not know what a train is?
Come on, choo-choo! Go!

SOMETHING AND HONOUR

- Where is that idiot?
- No idea. He was supposed to be here.

Yeah.

- Ma'am!
- Slowly, patiently, one at a time.

Where is the surprise PLS candidate? Late?

Now you know, he's ours,
I don't want to speak ill of anyone,

but discipline is not his strong point.

Just a second, he'll be right with you.
Right away.

Sorry.

- Costică!
- Right away!

I stopped by the house
to get my toothbrush.

- Very good.
- Did that stray dog attack you?

- How do you feel about stray dogs?
- No, he's my dog.

- That's how he loves me. I raised him.
- So he really is a stray.

No. He's a house dog,
but he lives on the street.

- What do you mean?
- Are you stupid?

He sleeps on the street at night,
during the day he pees in the house!

- Well, I know you from somewhere!
- No, no, no!

One second, just a second!

I apologize. I didn't caught the 311 bus.

And you thought about stealing a scooter?

What do you mean, stealing a scooter?

As you can see,
PLS candidate Costică Broken

came to this ceremony on a stolen scooter.

That's him as a man. These are his values.

Is it true you stole a scooter?

No. That's how I use them,
I don't have a card.

My dad taught me it's not good
to keep money on a credit card.

You can't appreciate…

Costică, you have something to pass on
those at home?

BROKEN (PLS) FIRST TIME STATEMENTS

You didn't want me at entrance B
and they want me for president?

Fuck you! Tudor!

Thank you!

I made little flags, ten euros each,
I said they cost 100. Just to be safe.

- Perfect.
- Put these in.

Costică, take these.

Come on, please! Come on, please,
to tell you how I…

how I almost died in Roman.

- How?
- How?

I was in Roman.

Animal lover and environmentalist.

PLS candidate up 10% in the polls

after stating
he prefers public transportation.

Although Costică's tour has just started,
81% of respondents agree

that pollution pose a major danger.

Thus, the unknown Broken
comes second in the polls

just ten points behind
Siminel Redish, PSL.

I am Siminel Redish and I support
for the Romanian presidency… me.

I have several solutions
to turn Romania around,

especially the Dorobanți neighborhood,

where I pay too much rent
for Rebecca and Moni, seriously.

"Milk and Croissant" program
will be replaced by "Champagne and Rolex"

because it's inhuman to drink milk
on a yacht at 95 degrees

and with a croissant you can't get girls.

How much more will the Romans suffer?

- What did you write there, man?
- Wait, wait, wait!

Romanians! Come closer with that

I don't read well, damn your diacritics!

Well, wait, that…

Look what you've done! Let's start again!

Renaming Romania's capital
from Bucharest to Dubai-rest.

Businessmen come, they invest here,
the business rise, so do the escorts,

it's the perfect money circuit in nature!

And most importantly,
political asylum for Brazilian women!

Write there, to be Brazilian women,

multiple feminine or whatever
when there are more, like.

- Plural.
- Plural.

What is this shit?

Do you know that Costică got 10% more?

Ten percent out of 100%,
square root of 38, negligible epsilon.

- Plus minus mode X we're fine…
- It's bad!

- Can you ride a scooter?
- But what am I, poor?

- Did you go by bus?
- Yes, on vacation in Monaco, twice.

No, this one of ours,
Romanian, from Turkey.

The ones from Little Gabi?

But what are you doing there?

What you got there?

I walk backwards.
It's supposed to be good for the face.

- What have you got here?
- Nothing.

- Move!
- How about you?

Move!

- What's that?
- I keep her for a friend!

- Goodbye, miss.
- Dad, please!

Her name is Larissa with two S's!
It's so rare!

- Move.
- Dad, have mercy, she's from Ukraine!

- Alas, war! Oh, I'm so sorry!
- What war? No! Have mercy on me!

She said she love me
and I'm the only one she slept with.

Goodbye!

Dad! Please!

- I'm from Colentina.
- Forget it.

Come on, it's not hard scootering,
I'll show you.

Right! Liviu has
more experience of being poor.

You need to start doing
that kind of people stuff, like subway.

No more luxuries.

You have to show them that you are
one of them, from below, from…

Carpet!

- From the people!
- People!

- Sergei!
- Yes, comrade!

Sergei! You're our intern on social media.

Man, we need something new,
something innovative,

that now the youth
it's with the internet, with that…

- I know! Let's give them mass on MIRC!
- Let flood them!

We're kicking their bots
and we put our own.

That's what I'm talking about!

And what networks do they use
young people today?

Tik Tok, I'm live every night if you want.

- Hi5!
- Better!

We make him a MySpace account

with jokes like…

"Have a good day for coffee!"

Yeah, except he doesn't drink coffee.

To say it ironically!

Ironically?

- I don't know if that's… kinky!
- Good…

You mean, I drink coffee,
but I don't drink coffee!

- Listen!
- Old snake!

Long live Mr. Mayor!

You have done beautiful things,
we still elect you.

I'm glad.

The Bitcoin has grown, damn it!

- If I wasn't on…
- Hey, here come the townies!

Oh, they're coming!
Come on! Let's be stupid!

Let's be stupid, come on!

PLS!

Thank you very much! Hello! God help!

Welcome to our commune!

Wow! Rice!

We were expecting a sewage,
but rice it's good too!

So, what's up, what's the catch?

Let there be factories! Let's have jobs!

Make factories!

- Our young people are starving!
- That's right!

- He's right, yes! He's right!
- People!

- Yes!
- Yes!

You don't need factories!

The city people will come,
they shoot Ceaușescu,

the factory is going bankrupt,
my father told me!

- You need something else!
- What?

Pawnshop!

Pawnshop!

- Do you have an apartment building here?
- We've got… one building!

- One building.
- Where the poor live!

- Where is it?
- The one from…

In the bushes.

- Come with me!
- Come on!

On any ground floor of a building of flats

you're making a pawnshop, like Tezaur,
appears right next to it, slots.

Man plays slots, loses, pawns the TV.

To get the TV out of the pawnshop,
he needs to take out a bank loan.

There's a bank next to the pawnshop!

And that's six new jobs!

Here comes the envelope from the bank,
a man sees the interest, his heart aches.

There's a pharmacy next to the bank!

- Twelve jobs!
- Twelve!

You spend money on drugs, you go hungry.

There's a bagel shop next to the drugstore

and that's how jobs are created
and the economy will grow!

City people will work at the bank,
because they have college!

You don't get city people here
if you don't have asphalt.

And so we don't have to asphalt!

With this money better build a school!

No! No, from school,
more city people come out!

Young people are leaving!

Man, he is right.

Teacher!

You're fired!

Go back to town, damn it!

In my hood there's a bank next to pharmacy
next to bank next to pawnshop!

This is how Bucharest rose!

On pawnshop!

Only on pawnshop!

Only on pawnshop!

Only on pawnshop!

Only on pawnshop!

Only on pawnshop!
This man speaks my language.

Come on! You're rolling, right?

- Yes!
- Come on, you're almost there! Come on!

Dad, let me see a picture of an escort,

to give a like, a tip, anything,
please, dad!

No escort, how many times
do I have to tell you?

Aren't you a embarrassed?

I didn't sell a forest
to get you all kinds of implants?

I salute you, sir!
You don't want to learn to use a scooter!

Siminel, it's not hard! I'll teach you!

I'm holding your hand!

There we go. Siminel!

Trust me, come on! I got you!

- Great!
- I'm flying!

Come on, I got you! Go!

All alone! All by myself, daddy!

First you ask him
what he thinks about riding the subway.

Then you ask him what he thinks
has about his opponent, yes?

- Got it.
- Did you see that, dad? Did you?

I'm a hipster now!

Somebody give me a sheet,
to have a cigarette!

And a sweatshirt, from a thrift shop!

Vote PSL!

- I touched a poor!
- Don't look in their eyes!

- I looked!
- It's the only way to pass it on!

- Siminel Redish fainting!
- Come on, son!

Come on, dad'll give you the escorts!

However, witnesses say
before he passed out,

had a panic attack while shouting:

"I don't want at the white snake!"

In the meantime,

Costică is becoming increasingly popular
while visiting the country.

Money for the old women!

Old women sit on the fence all day anyway,
they know everything that moves,

so instead of surveillance cameras,
surveillance old women!

After making a sensation
with the "Pawnshop State" program,

he would have been seen drinking
side by side with the village mayor.

After they emptied a demijohn of wine,

Costică allegedly got into a fight
with the mayor

saying that, and I quote,

"Why are you staring on me?"

After the fight, the election bus
continued its way through the country

in Făgăraș where Costică inaugurated

a center for reintegration
of violent minors in society.

I feel sick.

It's too bad they caught you
to get arrested.

They look on me and say, "What's wrong?"
and he's hitting! But he hits here.

And he… That's why I'm telling you kids,
when the cops come, run!

Fearless like Costică!

Fearless like Costică!

I'm pretty sure that Yellowish
is rubbing his hands with joy now.

Man, I get so dehydrated when I get angry!

How much money we usually give
to promote a candidate?

About two million euros,
depending on the newspaper or TV station.

We should give this money
to stop reporting this guy's crap.

At this rate he's gonna overtake Siminel
in two weeks!

Well, let's reduce his chances.

Costică needs a little help.

He should visit a school.

Any school, number 11 from Iași.

Iași? That's Redish's city.

- We go to the wolf's den.
- Okay.

- Are you done? How much more can you do?
- But stop it, woman!

Don't get it caught in your fly again,
we're out of ice.

Asshole!

But wait, woman!

Now people will think my name is Co!

VOTE COX

I feel like I'm finally expanding myself,
culturally speaking.

- I've never been to the country…
- We are in the center of Iasi.

We must pick a child.

Too ugly…

Too ugly…

This one's toothless,
he's of no use to me.

- Let me see.
- That's a redhead. Go find a treasure!

- How's the little girl? What sign is she?
- Gemini.

I can't. Get out of my sight!

This one.

- What's your name?
- Vlăduț.

Vlăduț! Listen, Vlăduț.

When this guy comes to visit,

you go to him and you ask him
mega fun question, okay?

- Give me a good price.
- Well, 2016 model…

- Seven hundred.
- Two grand, you negotiated well.

This one thinks he's smart, huh?

VOTE COSTICĂ BROKEN FOR PRESIDENT

Hello!

Hello. 3rd grade B welcomes you…

Well, have you lured me into a trap?

Come on, teacher! We know stuff too!

Uncle Broken!

Why does your government hate children?

What? No… I don't hate kids!

So why do I go to bed hungry at night?

Because textbooks are expensive?

Is that food?

Can I taste one?

Really, Mr. Brokn!
I've long wanted to ask you

how are you going to solve
education issue, sir!

We're hungry!

We want solutions!

We want solutions!

Solutions? The solution would be to…

Less school!

- What?
- Stop teaching grammar.

It's useless anyway.
You understand me, right?

- Yes!
- Sit down!

You understand me. Actually, no textbooks.

Why do children in Romania spend
cigarette money on grammar books?

And how is that going to solve anything,

given that in Romania
the functional illiteracy rate is 43%?

Stop it, fool!

We will take urgent actions…

What urgent actions, sir?

 from A to become again Πfrom I,

like it used to be,

and there goes half the illiterates.

Commas are implied.

"Than" or "just", why to have two?
"Justhan"!

And, kids, actually, these grammar changes

are just a distraction maneuver
from what really matters!

Salaries for students!

Why only pay teachers to screw around?

Three thousand lei salary
for every student!

- Dude, are you crazy? 30 million?
- Hey! Where does he get it, man?

And 100 lei grade A!

- A-!
- B!

- B-!
- No! Do I hear a B-?

- Lower!
- C?

- Give him C! C!
- Does anyone give less?

- C?
- Shut up!

C! I was getting C's!

One hundred lei for grade C!

- Okay, Costică!
- Nothing to be happy about!

I vote for him!

I'm leaving because I have an exam
at biology. See you.

Dude, you think this is for real
everything this stupid guy says?

If there was like this in our day,
we were becoming doctors.

Still drunk, but drunk doctors.

Costică Broken takes 1st place
in the polls in Moldova

where more families with 4-5 children
have already taken out a new home loan

waiting for the money the little ones
will receive it as a student's salary.

Meanwhile, Redish and Broken

are getting ready
for the first electoral debate.

That's why I promise that for me
all Romans are important!

But working women

in the textile industry of Honest
are my number one priority!

Number one!

You're number one! You're number one,
you get the fuck outta here!

Two words. Videochat union.

No, no. Listen to me.

We must respect rights and benefits

of 400,000 Romanians women
who carry our country's economy.

Thanks to you it's vibrating!

Without you we wouldn't have
the third fastest internet in Europe!

And no profitable restaurants
in the round at Alba Iulia!

Vote Costică Broken! Vote parsley!

You speak Romanian well.
You're from Bangladesh, right?

No. From Nepal.

- That's Bangladesh, right?
- No. It's another country.

- But have you been to Bangladesh?
- Yes. I went on vacation.

Did you see that I know what I know?

You're hired.
Let me show you the basement.

Good evening and welcome to ANGRY TV.

So electoral debate,

Siminel Redish challenged him,
and Costică accepted. Please.

From PLS,

Constantin Mario Inzaghi Broken,

and from PSL, Siminel Tudor Redish!

Yeah?

I'm not doing anything, talk!

How to bring a Nepalese instead of me?

I don't care if they're hardworking!
No, he's not sleeping on my couch!

Hey, dad! You…

Mister…

Brokn.

I have just one question for you

and I ask you to be as honest as possible

in front of Romanians
that you're looking at right this second!

Is it true you were
visiting Sorin Ovidiu Vântu?

No.

Last time it worked
and frankly, I was betting a lot on it,

great strategy not really…

How is it possible for Romanians
to vote a man

who until recently
was sweeping the staircase?

Hey, fuc…

Mister…

Siminel, you know

how much chlorine to put
in a bucket of water? He doesn't know.

You know how to unclog a sink with
vinegar and bicarbonate? He doesn't know.

I didn't go to school abroad,

I didn't go here either, I didn't go
at all, but I know how to clean a building

and I'm gonna scrub
all of Romania until it shines,

I'm gonna rub it good!

I have an announcement
that will change Romania!

When I will be at Cotroceni,

I will eradicate corruption
in the administration!

Zero tolerance for corruption!

Zero tolerance for corruption!
Under 500 euros.

Zero tolerance for corruption!
Under 4,000 euros.

I told you to ask…

Within the limits set by your father, yes!

So we announce the fight against bribery

up to 4,000 euros per day per official

except Wednesdays because it's Wednesday,
right?

And if you are Scorpio
or if your name ends in "dish".

Mr. Broken,
you have the right of reply again.

- Do you know what that is?
- Toilet paper.

It's a receipt for utilities.

My father is a building manager
for 20 years.

So don't take me with ceilings.

The ceilings are cracking.

You get flooded by an ox, you get mold.

So I say otherwise.

No ceiling for corruption!

- What?
- It makes no sense.

Bravo, yes, very clever!
It's like legalizing it.

Oh, yeah? Well, maybe
that's what I wanna do!

- What?
- What does he say?

When I become president,
I'll legalize bribery!

Fuck you!

What? What do you mean, legalize bribery?
What's that? What is this nonsense?

Same for everyone!

Why pay a nurse
from Botoșani 1,500 euros for a job,

and one in Sibiu 8,000 euros?

Is that fair? No, sir!

Let corruption be fair, state-controlled!

Oh, and to pay VAT on a bribe!

After all, what is VAT,

if not a bribe paid to the state
to leave you alone?

Right, sideburns?

Two hundred million euros.

Nineteen percent of 200 million.

Thirty-eight million euros.

Hey, stop that!

How to legalize corruption?
Are you crazy? Really?

We must fight corruption
to support and protect Romanians.

Yeah, and that's why I'm giving this money
to all Romanians equally.

How much is this, fancy pants?
Do the math!

It was hard.

Square root of 100% negligible epsilon

with X plus minus mode…

- Two euros.
- Two euros.

Two? What the hell to do with two euros?

Then I give another law
when I become president.

200,000 euro for each Romanian!

Costică! Are you crazy?

- Mister!
- Mister!

- Are you sure?
- No, Costică, no! No!

Absolutely.
Look, I'm writing it down right now…

He buries us all.

I also draw a little horse
going up a hill, okay…

and tomorrow my party

will vote it by urgent decree! Tomorrow!

Breaking news,
the horse going up the hill.

Mr. Broken, are you absolutely sure?

- What, 200,000?
- No way! 200,000?

- You said 200.
- Like this?

- Put another zero!
- Another zero.

I swear on my family!

Honest man, you don't mess with that.

- He swore on his family! He's a Christian.
- God help!

Uncle Iulică, bring a more expensive beer.

- Cherries or raspberries?
- Cherries.

- Listen… How much do I owe you?
- Well, 4,000 lei.

Let's round it up to 10,000.

Now let's talk about the problems
really important in this country.

One-way streets. We've had enough!

The man claims he didn't have sex
with the neighbor's goat,

but that he stopped at foreplay.

More and more Austrians

apply for asylum in Romania
in search of a better life.

Bucharest, Cluj and Timisoara

are filled with thousands of Austrians
who want Romanian citizenship.

Some of them have to sleep on the streets
in luxury tents.

Sad but true.

Luxury refugees dream of those
200,000 euros promised by Broken.

The bad part is that my friend here

has difficulty charging his car,

especially because we use it
to fry sausages.

But hey, we're glad to wake up
with the stray dogs.

Used to recycle,

these former lawyers
and successful programmers from Vienna

are collecting bottles and cans,

taking heroin from the local homeless
who had enough of them.

They all hope in Costică Broken's victory.

Oh my God!

Good! Come on.

- This is it.
- This is it, okay?

I'm finally gonna look like
a Romanian of Romanians…

I can't. I really can't.
I'm embarrassed, ashamed!

- Please!
- I'm sick!

- Please!
- OK.

You're a smart boy.

- Say, where do I press?
- Don't push, pull!

- Great!
- I knew it, it's mechanical, it's…

Great. There we go.

- It's time to go in a normal campaign.
- Go!

Easy.

Let's celebrate
with champagne from the fridge.

No refrigerator.

- Not even one?
- No.

Okay… it's okay…

This smell is coming from the car, is it…?

It stinks.

The stable-keeper was walking me
in a car like that when I was a kid.

That was me!

What do you want, man? Get outta here!

- Give him money to get out of here!
- Take this and go!

No trouble, no fuss!

- Look, man! Leave me alone!
- I want money! 100!

I told you not to give them money!
More are gathering!

- Go away!
- Get out of here!

Damn you, civilized homeless!

I can't believe it!

Now I do Pilates in the park!
Hey, the kids are passing this way!

- Hydrate them!
- You bastards!

Hey, dad! Yeah… Listen…

Don't you want to make peace-peace
between two beasts?

Yes.

I understand, but I don't know,
you take the first step.

Give a like to his stories, promise him
a county, something, I don't know!

Dad, I don't want to sound too desperate,
but I'm in a Dacia.

Yeah, manual, yeah, I know.

But we can't give 200,000 euros
to every Romanian!

The country will go bankrupt!

We give them nothing! We're not stupid!

You take the law of Costică

and you stick it
at the bottom of the pile of laws!

No senator's gonna vote,
what, are we crazy?

They would kick us out of the EU,
the IMF and everything!

Nobody is kicking us out from women, dad!

Sex!

Say it!

Have you called… I didn't know why
are streaks of lard through the building!

Have you come around, assholes?

If you think
that Călin Yellowish, the supreme god,

will take pity on you two
to welcome you into the party so easily,

take my… open…

- Cheese!
- Yes.

Shut up.

- You have to do something for us.
- Anything.

You started at the bottom.
You've done it all.

You stole from the poster money.

You stole on paper
a whole school in Glina.

- Which, by the way…
- Applause. Give it up for Cheese!

Thank you very much.
Anything to be like the party's finest!

Speaking of which…

You were very good.

But now it's time
to do something much more difficult.

- I want…
- Stop! I know exactly.

I've waited a long time for this day,

I prepared and I decided a long time ago
how I would do it.

I also talked to the wife at home,
she totally agrees, politics is politics.

Hold this.

One, two, three, four, five…

Let me start in order of functions.

It's not about that,
although we appreciate the openness.

You don't have to do what you thought.

No! Just to frame Costică for a scandal

to go to jail.

There are parties…

Hey! Whoa, whoa, whoa!

There are parties I want to invite you to,
but after all this.

SOMEWHERE
UNDER THE PALACE OF THE PARLIAMENT

Oh!

Oh, my!

Man, so many bottles!

It's free, man,
everything confiscated in customs, man!

- And what are you doing here?
- We're playing Truth or Dare.

Say, how much did you steal? Two million?

- Give me dare directly, let…
- You're bad, man!

Oh!

- Hey!
- What?

- You gotta bite on this!
- Do what?

- Bite on it.
- But what's that?

Baloney!

Poor people eat that!

Like those who work in the private sector!

- Man!
- Man!

Oh, man!

Give me Moet!

- Oh, gross!
- Is this the good kind?

Are you playing? Come over here.

Come on, come here. Are you in?

- Are you in?
- Yes!

Truth or dare?

Truth or dare? Go on!

The truth.

How many women have you had sex with
in your life?

No, that…

Dare.

Here, pass that tray. Here… Watch this.

- Hold this tray in your hand…
- And?

We pretend we are wasted.

Come on, man. Take that. Hold that.
Hold this… take these…

No…

It's a prank!

- Prank!
- Put that in your mouth!

- Come on, man, you got him?
- Put this in, man!

Stop it! Oh, come on!

Hey! Don't mess with me!
What? I see that you're mocking me!

I know what a prank is! And you know what?

To hell with drugs!

Couldn't you be alcoholics,
like any normal person?

- Crackheads! Here, it's confiscated!
- Hey! Hello!

- Hello!
- What?

They confiscated it again!

Do you want me to confiscate
a punch in your face?

You're lucky there are more of you.

But it was confiscated again!

Let's mash that dry cheese.

THE MENU OF THE DAY

SUSHI - SPICY LOBSTER
BEANS WITH MEAT - BORDEAUX WINE

To hell with your drugs!

- What's that?
- Good Baloney!

Good Baloney?

I thought maybe
you haven't eaten anything today

and you work hard
and you deserve something nice.

Aren't you glad we're in first place?

Well, we still have work to do
until we get what we set out to do.

Meaning?

Sorry, I'm a little tired.

You know…

I grew up without a mom, too.

Sorry.

But come on, you made it!

A big house, fancy clothes…

Right! How much do you pay for utilities?
Or are you paying flat fee?

- What's that?
- So, no.

Dad had a saying.

All the problems in this life are solved
if you just hold it in and drink.

Drinking is for people who are easily
to manipu…

…late!

The belly!

The belly!

- The belly!
- It's OK, I like you just the way you are.

Do you like what you see?

I've wanted you
since the fourth time I saw you.

It's really happening!

It's not a prank, is it?

The train leaves the station.

Stir it some more!

What the hell, man?

- Hello!
- Hello…

Two more plates
of beans and meat, because it's so good.

- I can feel the meat!
- I think it's from the beans.

Come on, get some from there.

Come on, take some and out of my kitchen!

Let's vote!

- Let's vote on all the laws!
- Come on!

RAVE PARTY IN THE PARLIAMENT

Shocking scenes in parliament!

Just after lunch,

elected representatives decided
to vote on laws to techno music.

The new law adopted today in Romania
is a world first,

the law of the horse that goes uphill,

that every citizen
will receive the sum of…

200,000 euros.

Victory!

I hereby announce that I'm quitting

and stick my dick in your shit eater
TV station. Bye-bye!

And yes, I'm fucking Adina from editing.

It's okay for my wife Clara to find out…
put camera two on me, camera one…

- Miță!
- She must know I'm getting a divorce!

I piss on your TV!

Waiting for money from Costică,

dozens of Romanians
are already queuing up.

Where exactly, even they don't know.

- Why are you waiting here?
- Is he filming me?

Preventively, I don't know
if the money is given here at INAF,

but I wait here and I formed a queue.

With 200,000 euros, when I get it,

I'll get a house in the countryside,
like Dubai,

I'll plant a date palm, I'll milk a camel…

What will you do with 200,000 euros?

I just came for the queue.

- Just for the queue?
- Just for the queue.

A coffee on Victory Avenue

ended up costing
half a studio apartment in Cluj,

that ended up costing
as half a shawarma from Țăndărei.

All this time,

Bucharest residents park illegally
to save five lei.

Traditions are traditions.
What do you want, bitch?

What are you doing with a stroller
on the pedestrian crossing?

Take him out at night,
can't you see how ugly he is?

Tezaur, the most powerful
pawnshop network in the country,

will buy back Romania's gold from Moscow.

The first crates have started
to arrive in the country this morning.

Russia said it did not, under any
circumstances, want to steal gold

and swore it was going
to give it back to us tomorrow.

It really wanted to call Romania,
but it had no time.

Of course, even at the end,

the Russians have forgotten
some bracelets in the pockets.

Mayor of Cluj
announces an armament program.

He will buy 400 tanks.

Rumor has it that in the spring

Cluj will attack Budapest
on the grounds that "are you still smart?"

The tanks will, of course, be electric.

With your mom, Tudor!

Sixty-six degrees,
we are not made of money.

Breaking news, ladies and gentlemen!

Sources say that Broken

is involved in a scandal
of drug trafficking and drug use.

What's more,
he would have alienated in the papers

many wind power plants

and a little piece
of the Salvation of the Nation Cathedral.

This is a total disappointment,

Costică seems like the kind of guy

that when he goes out from the bedroom
turns the thermostat to 66.

I'm shocked. Shocked!

Who, who could have been
so despicable to sign something like that?

More! He touched my pee!

You gave me to sign it.

You have to tell them it's a mistake.

Except…

It's not!

Meaning?

Yellowish never wanted you to win.

We didn't want you to win.

- So you took me for a fool?
- Oh, Costică, it's more complicated.

Who wins these elections
will be fined 40 billion by the EU.

It's a poisoned victory.

Nobody wants to bankrupt the country,
not even you!

Well, and everything we did last night,
all that madness, the little train…

You made me be a locomotive…

Good, I swear, you made me feel
something here at…

I don't know what this is called…

You're a bully, a jerk, a drunk…

Yeah, now you're complimenting me!

No, I swear… you remind me of the sailor.

It's just he never attracted me
like you do.

That was only supposed to be
a precautionary measure in case…

In case I'm not stupid!

And the streetcar doesn't run around here,
I'll have to hitchhike.

It's an election year!
Everybody's turning against everybody!

And the money? It's not even on the table!

I have to move out.

Ever since your promises,

everyone transforms their apartment
in Airbnb for Austrians.

The first floor is already empty.

The building is dying.

Ever since Costică's law,
daddy quit drinking.

Stop playing slots, play the stock market
and screams all night "sell!"

It was better when he was an alcoholic.

Morning.

- Morning.
- Cheers.

Sorry for embarrassing you.

Hey, Tică,

I know you wouldn't be able to lie,

that's not how I raised you.

Your poor mother…
if she would see you now…

Listen…

You never told me
how my mother died in the Revolution.

She fell off the tank
while shooting protesters.

- What did she do? Do what?
- Yes!

It's horrible!
Do you mean she was with the others?

She fought like crazy against change

and look, we still have democracy.

The party must win the elections.

Next year it'll have to pay
a 40 billion euros fine to the EU.

I don't understand.

I mean, like a big working capital
which the EU is confiscating.

Costică, you are
the son of a building manager.

You can't let them
to steal the country's working capital.

All my life I said
that change is not good,

that any change is for the worse, but…

maybe the time has come for some changes.

Last time I voted for you because…

But this time I'll vote for you
because I trust you.

I know you were born

to get through anything
to fuck your neighbor.

Costică, Romania is your parking space.

You have to become a real politician.

Go and lie to them!

The party disavows Mr. Broken's behavior

and his acts of corruption
which we do not deny.

- Will you exclude him from the party?
- Of course. We will analyze…

You're gonna analyze yo momma!

Find another candidate!
I withdraw from the PLS!

Mr. Broken, a little respect!

That's what your mom said!

- You are embarrassing yourselves!
- That's what your mom said!

How did you get in here
in the first place?

That's what your mom said!

Costică Broken, independent candidate
for the Romanian Presidency!

Keep your pants on!

That's what your mom said.

Simona Windy, campaign manager
for Costică Broken. Nice to meet you.

So you lied through about your belly.

No, no, no… Costică just… bent the truth.

How is it possible that in a country
where people are starving

some are showing fake bellies?

Did you lie about your belly or not?

- Yes or no!
- I lied, sir!

But I didn't lie with my belly,

I lied with my heart.

What politician have you seen
to admit he lied?

They all steal from you and lie to you!

I'm just lying to you!

BROKEN - THE SCANDAL OF THE MOMENT

Are you serious?

I swear on my family!

Mr. Costică,
rivals accuse you of being stupid.

WHAT ARE HIS CHANSES TO BECOME
THE FIRST INDEPENDENT PRESIDENT?

So what's the question?

My lady, my son is stupid.

But he is a well-meaning fool.

He's the only man I would trust
to collect money in my building.

In my building?
In the buildings all over the country!

Look, I can see my shoes
through the table!

THE HORSE GOING UP THE HILL LAW PASSED

Yeah, man! Me too!

The whole country is watching
Costică Broken which is now in the lead.

Many are wondering how will succeed

Siminel Redish and Călin Yellowish,
who is now running again,

convince voters
that they deserve to be president.

ANGRY TV - THE BIG DABATE

Your father's here.
It's gonna be all right.

What are you doing?

Didn't you tell me to wear a suit?

- What?
- Can I go to the bathroom?

Yeah, go on, go.

Are these seats free?

That's why nothing works in this country!

No, the country is doing fine.
You're the problem.

Marian! Liviu!

What are you doing?

We are the Services.

Services of dic…

You need to stop this circus.

It's a 30-year-old order in this country.
And you risk to ruin it.

Romanians are not ready to do well.

You can't give 200,000 euros overnight
to 20 million people.

There simply aren't that many
second-hand BMWs in Germany!

Romanians want to be hard.

They don't want to be happy,
they get bored.

Logged into Instagram recently?
Nobody posts anything anymore.

- You know what do people think!
- What do people think?

No, but we know what they are saying.

We have surveillance cameras
strategically placed in every corner.

Really?

Why do you think it's a flower shop
at every corner?

- They all work for us.
- Have a nice day, bye!

Black Banana? Here is Wet Carnation.

So aunty Bianca is with you?

Haven't you seen that every florist
has Bluetooth in the ear?

Oh, man!

This is my room,
this is a personal project.

We Romanians are used to be hard.

That makes us happy.

And now that it's good, everyone is sad.

People no longer have
what to live for, you know?

Someone once told me that in life
it's okay to compromise.

We're listening.

- Get it?
- Never mind.

Mr. Yellowish! What do we do, sir?

Well, you retired, yes,

you said you'd let a younger one,
a visionary, now running again?

It's…

rather a non-withdrawal
in the interest of the country.

So, on the contrary. It's a…

- Re-introduction.
- Bravo!

I didn't understand anything…

Mr. Broken,
the first independent candidate

that has come so far,
80% in the polls, you have the floor!

Ah, floor it! I knew it!

Go on, tell them, Costică,
say those hard words!

Say it nicely!

It's easy not to blame us.

I'm not very smart.

Even I know
why things don't work in this country.

It's all our fault, the citizens' fault.

We all complain about politicians
stealing from us,

but we steal from the state
more than it steals from us.

We are the ones
who are ruining the country.

Romanians want the state to do it first.

Let the state build the highway first

and then I'll see if I follow the rules.

Let the state first make
recycling conditions

and then I'll see if I recycle.

Romanians want free first

and then he will see
if he holds up his end of the bargain.

That's why the state doesn't do.

Because the state is still a Romanian,
still a hustler.

And it knows that if it takes
the first step,

the citizen is going to stiff it!

- Really, boy?
- Dude, you're an moron…

Shut up…

- You're such a bastard!
- Leave it, man!

I'd rather work for this money!

- Incredible!
- He almost convinced me!

And that's why I decided to retire
from the presidential race.

Romanians need someone
telling them what they don't want to hear!

Not some idiot who says
everything's gonna work out.

Everything really will work out!

I've learned something from politics.

I learned how to retreat.

Time to get back to my building.

Go to vote.

Oh, and next year Romania will pay
a 40 billion euros fine!

Fuck you!

Bravo!

- Dad? It's a bluff, right? It's a joke.
- It's confirmed, Siminel.

Stand straight!

My opponent
is the best person to run this country.

- Me?
- Yes.

I fade in comparison with your honesty!

You are more honest than me.

- I bow before you.
- No!

I bow before you and I kiss your hand!

You don't kiss any of my hands!
Go to government, come on!

You go to government!

You are much fitter, browner, smarter…

- Us? My party is full of idiots!
- That's right! Bravo!

I stole millions of euros.

- You stole!
- Yes!

- But you did something!
- It's not true!

Guys, these guys have made
400 meters of highway!

We, if we put some concrete,
maximum, I mean…

Hit me!

I can't believe you want to force me
to govern

so that I will get fucked!

We're gonna get fucked, together!

Liviu! Come here, you shmuck!

I have evidence! Evidence!

I leave it here, on the moderator's table,

a laptop with evidence that we stole
of public money for the last 20 years!

I'll send you on Airdrop!

Embezzled funds, stolen money
20 million euros from Health!

Is that all? We steal in a year
twice as much, I promise!

Who are you with?
You're with the Russians! Admit it!

- I'm with the fucking Germans!
- Yes!

- What about you?
- Me?

- Yeah, you.
- I'm with the Chinese!

- Are you serious?
- I thought Siminel was with the Russians.

- Siminel! Are you with the Russians?
- No, I'm with these twins.

- Get out, Siminel.
- I thought so.

You're with the Russians!

Me? I'm with the Austrians,
we just cut down the forests!

And is it working?

- Did you get furniture from I… Băneasa?
- Yes, very good, thank you.

And who the hell's with the Russians?

- Are you with the Russians?
- Who's with the Russians? You are!

You're with the Russians! Get off!

Tică…

What, dad?

I've been waiting two weeks to say that.

Yo, son, a toilet clogged
in the basement, so we need it fast!

Don't let someone else handle it, okay?

- I'll fix it!
- I like that! Bravo!

- Hey!
- What's wrong, man?

Let me tell you something.

I was going to say…

You seem very smart to me,
you remind me of me, of course,

and I was thinking… I don't know,
maybe you'd like to be friends?

What, do I have your money?

You don't need money,
dad has all the money in the world!

We can fly helicopters, we can party…

I don't know about the partying,
I've partied all my life,

I've been with many women,
maybe too many women…

- How many?
- Too much.

And I settled down in my house,
I'm in a relationship now.

Well, I think I'll settle down. Maria!

Is she your girlfriend?
Maybe we go on a double date.

Half my girlfriend. Ioana!

Maybe five of us can go out.

- Come on, Siminel…
- Now…

- It closes…
- At Nuba…

They read each other's minds,
is very complicated and dubious.

Do they read other people's minds?
Because if so, I apologize…

Anyway, it's way too early
to keep me tied up, girls.

Follow me. One at a time.

- What sign are you?
- Pisces.

- What about you?
- Pisces.

Well, what the hell, what a coincidence!

Independent candidate Simona Windy

won the elections
by the minimum number of votes

after all the other candidates
have withdrawn from the race.

Windy announces
a series of effective measures

to avoid a mega fine
from the European Union.

Why are you honking, Lache?

Hey, retardate, move your car
from my parking space!

Move that, man!

Hey, militia! Come here! Hurry up!

What happened?

This asshole's in my parking space.

- Where did you steal it from, shmuck?
- From yo momma, man!

You are on the wrong way.

What wrong way, man,
it's one-way street since last year!

No. It's changed, okay?
Now it's one-way again, in reverse.

OK, fine, but it's my parking space!

- It seems that Mr. Tudor is right.
- Oh, yeah?

Services!

What did you say?

Let's see.

What…

Yes, sir.

The new law says it's a parking space
for people with disabilities

for each residential street.

What handicap does this parrot have, man?

- He suffers from oto-tubular dysfunction.
- What?

I have tinnitus, are you deaf?

And that means I lose my parking space
because his ear is ringing?

- That's what I was paid for.
- Hey! Whoa!

We'll organize elections again
for building president.

- I don't give a fuck, I'm the first lady!
- Yeah?

Just like old times, man.

I'm so glad things are back to normal
in this country!

Damn it!

Back to Austria.

That's it! Go home,
you fucking washed-up blond bastards!

- Come on.
- Come on, man!

Whoa! Not here, or you'll scratch my car.

Romania is not liberal-social,
nor social-liberal.

Romania is just Romania.

Until now I thought Romanians
can't stand to hear the truth.

My duty is to make it heard.

And our duty is to listen.

Thank you.

It's hard to be a politician.

Yes, all Romanian presidents
were either drunks or Iliescu.

You should be mayor.

The new Prime Minister is next.

MARIAN BROKEN - PRIME MINISTER OF ROMANIA

Hello!

As Prime Minister,

I want to assure you

that Romania will have peace,
daily between 12 and 5 pm

hot water every evening for two hours.

Because Romania is a big building
where we are all neighbors!

I sat and thought and took advice,

I have formed the cabinet

from the most hardworking
and more honest people in Romania!

Hi, I'm Ataș Kumar, minister of economy.

Hello.
Where is this address, Victory no 1?

Hello, Gherasim Lucian,
Minister of Youth and Sport,

I promise to revolutionize playing ball!

First solution for paying the fine,

replacing the government
with dynamic rate delivery men!

Other measures:
sale of the county of Sălaj.

Right!