Original subtitles

♪ Boy, the way Glenn Miller played ♪

♪ Songs that made the hit parade ♪

♪ Guys like us, we had it made ♪

♪ Those were the days ♪

♪ And you knew where you were then ♪

♪ Girls were girls, and men were men ♪

♪ Mister, we could use a man like Herbert Hoover again ♪

♪ Didn't need no welfare state ♪

♪ Everybody pulled his weight ♪

♪ Gee, our old LaSalle ran great ♪

♪ Those were the days ♪

[DOG GROWLING]

ARCHIE: Get the hell out of here, you mutt, ya!

Get out of here! Get out of here!

Get out of here! Get out! Get out!

[DOG CONTINUES GROWLING]

Aah...

Get out of here!

Go on home. Go chase the mailman!

[DOG CONTINUES GROWLING]

Ah.

Hey, Edith, where are you?

EDITH: I'm in the kitchen.

Geez, I know that.

Barney's dog

is a cross between a cocker spaniel

and a rattlesnake.

Ooh, what happened to the paper?

I didn't like the morning news, so I bit it.

Oh, Archie, you didn't do that.

Your teeth ain't sharp enough.

Here's your bakery...

Oh, good, you got more than I asked you to get.

Yeah, I got plenty.

Good, 'cause we're having company for breakfast.

Company? You ain't never supposed to have company for breakfast.

You ain't supposed to have company no time

without at least two weeks' notice.

You're gonna love this one.

No, I ain't. I ain't a loving person.

Guess who's comin' to breakfast.

Edith!

Oh, geez, is that... Is that who I think it is?

Yeah, yeah. It's her!

Oh.

- Oh. - Edith!

- Oh, oh, oh. - Oh.

Remember me?

Yeah, sure. Doris Day?

No, Louise Jefferson.

I know that, Edith.

- Archie... - Can't even have a joke.

Oh, Louise, you look wonderful.

I know.

That's just what I was gonna say to you...

Love what you've done with your hair.

Oh, I ain't done nothing with my hair.

I just wash it and dry it and roll it

and brush it and comb it and sometimes dye it.

Oh, geez. Just... Geez about dyeing hair.

- Let's have our coffee. - Makes everybody feel so old, old.

Take your coat.

Ooh. Archie, look at this. A beautiful mink.

Ooh, ooh-ooh.

It's gorgeous there, gorgeous, Louise, yeah.

Well, it's nice to see you. Sit down, sit down.

Oh, thank you, Archie.

Not that I want to say anything, Louise,

but, you know, a lot of people nowadays,

they think it's kind of un-American, you know,

to walk around with a lot of dead live animals on your back.

No, Archie, they grow them little minks on ranches,

special for coats.

Edith, it don't make no difference

whether you chase the animals around the ranch

or you chase them through the streets of New York.

Somebody has got to club the animal to death.

Oh, no, they don't do that.

Well, what the hell do you think they do,

unzip them?

Oh... [GIGGLES]

Come on, Louise, have a bear claw.

You know, speaking of animals

puts me in mind of, well, your husband George, you know?

I mean, geez, we ain't seen much of him lately.

Well, I guess he ain't got no time to go slumming nowadays,

you know, with the five cleaning establishments.

Seven.

Oh, whoop-dee-doo, seven there.

Listen, I am a businessman myself, Louise.

You know, I bought Kelsey's saloon down there,

but one of these days, if I get the time,

I would love to drop in on George.

Well, if you can't come in person,

just send your clothes.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

So what brings you here, Louise?

- You mind if I ask a question, huh? - Mm, mm.

So, what brings you here, Louise?

Well, our house is ready for renting,

all but the drapes, which I'm going to pick up right now.

And some people are coming to look at the house.

Would you show it to them for me, Edith?

ARCHIE: Ooh.

Me? Oh, I don't know.

Wait a minute, wait a minute. She could do that.

You could do that. You could do that!

But I ain't never showed a house before.

It's easy to show it... show it to people. Understand?

You just take them in, you show them through all of the rooms,

and you say, "Isn't this a positively doll's house?" Huh?

Please, Edith?

Yeah! Yeah.

- All right, I'll try. - Yeah, she'll do it.

Oh, my. I ain't been back next door

since Mike and Gloria and Joey left.

Oh, my, it's gonna be sad.

I'll bet when I walk through the rooms,

I'll hear voices.

Oh, stay with us, Lord.

That's one of her old-time problems, Louise, you know.

Sometimes she hears voices.

What's wrong with that?

Sometimes I hear voices, too.

Yeah, but you don't crawl into bed with me at night

and tell me what the voices say.

Thank goodness.

Oh, I must run.

Oh, could I take this with me for later?

Yeah, would you like to take a nice, soft speckled banana?

- No, thanks. - All right.

All the information you may need

will be in this envelope, and here are the keys.

Oh, all right.

- And I'll call back later. - Yeah.

Now, if anybody wants to rent the house,

just call George's secretary.

- All right. - Oh, whoa ho ho, secretary.

But the man has seven stores, don't he have seven secretaries?

Only one. He may be rich, but he's still cheap.

Oh, Edith, good-bye. Oh, good-bye. See you.

Oh, oh.

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

See you later.

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

Hey, you know, Louise is pretty funny, you know?

I love them jokes she's making about George.

Oh, yeah.

But don't you ever try nothing like that,

you wouldn't be funny.

Edith, come on. Will you go around the other way?

Sit down in your chair!

How did I ever live this long?

And you.

You know, you nearly blew our chance

to pick the new neighbors here

and root out the wrong ones.

Who are the wrong ones?

Oh, you know what I mean.

We want to keep the neighborhood the way it is.

What way is it?

Come on, Edith,

the way it is since the Jeffersons

moved back into the city.

I don't know what you mean.

Oh, you know what I mean all right.

And don't be giving me the long-face stare,

I know what you're thinking up there, I'm some kind of a racist.

Listen, I'll tell you, that George Jefferson,

there's the biggest racist of 'em all!

He hates white people.

And listen.

There's a lot of guys just like him today, you know?

Hey, the world has changed, Edith.

This ain't like them olden, golden days,

you know, with the old South, where all the colored people,

they... they loved their fine old white folkses back home.

Nowadays that's all gone. It's gone.

That's like that picture, Gone With the...

uh, Clark Gable.

Archie, you're...

- What, what? - You're talking...

- What, what? - I'm trying to think of the word you always use.

You're talking...

Sense.

Crapola.

Don't tell me what "rent" means.

Everybody knows what "rent" is.

"Rent" is what we pay the landlord here every month.

I'm trying to tell you that "rent" in Shakespeare

means something else.

Like this.

"Oh, see the rent the envious Casca made."

Who's Casca?

You know, talking to you is like talking to a giant mushroom.

That's Shakespeare, you cluck.

Julius Caesar.

Oh, yeah, we studied Shakespeare in high school.

I hated it.

You hated Shakespeare?

No, high school.

"Young Cassius hath a lean and hungry look,

let me have about me men that are fat."

Hiya, fellas.

Speaking of which.

Listen, whatever youse is talking about there,

stop, 'cause I got great news for youse.

I know. Alice Faye is in town.

Don't be a wise guy, Barney.

Now listen, the Jefferson house is up for rent, and it's chic there.

It's just been "remodelized" and everything.

And some lucky guy is gonna get it, see?

Why lucky?

He'll be right next door to me.

[SING-SONG] Hey, hey, hey, hey.

Come on, fellas, what do you say? Harry, what about you?

Are you kidding? We just put in new linoleum throughout.

Oh, well, Barney.

Look, I been in my house 30 years.

Why would I want to move across the street?

I just thought there might be a little gypsy left in you.

What about some of the guys at the lodge?

Hey, Step Gidnic. He's a nice guy.

Though he does scream a lot at night.

Why?

His wife punches him around.

Geez, if I give a woman a name like Step Gidnic,

I'd expect to be punched around myself.

Hey, how about Hank?

Nah, nah, he's stupid.

Stupid don't keep you awake nights.

Oh, yes, it does. It does.

It does.

Come on, guys, come on, help me, huh?

Geez, Edith is showing the place.

If we don't come up with a decent tenant,

she'll rent to Famous Amos or somebody.

Yeah, it's a positively doll's house.

Well, you... you are quite a saleslady, Mrs. Bunker.

Oh, thank you.

I love it.

I really would love to take it.

Good.

[SIGHS]

But I'm afraid I'll have to pass.

Yeah, I don't think Arthur would like it,

and he makes all the decisions.

Bye.

[GIGGLES] Thank you.

Bye. I'm sorry.

Bye.

It's a lovely house.

The upstairs is so... homey, and sunny.

I'm so glad you like it, Mrs... Lewis?

Mm-hmm.

The back bedroom gets the afternoon sun,

in the afternoon,

when the sun is out.

Gloria, that's my daughter,

she used to take a sunbath right under the window,

while she was watching Joey...

That's my grandson...

In his sandbox, in the backyard.

But once, while she was watching Joey,

she caught a man watching her.

Oh, he don't live around here no more.

Oh, that's good.

Well, this seems just right for me.

And my husband Ed trusts my taste,

so it looks like we're gonna be neighbors, Mrs. Bunker.

I'm so glad, Mrs. Lewis.

Call me Polly.

You, too.

Oh, I mean, I don't mean that you should call me Po...

I mean that I should call you Polly,

and you should call me Edith, that's what I mean.

Do you see what I mean?

[LAUGHS]

Okay, Polly, I mean, Edith.

[BOTH LAUGHING]

You know, if your husband and my husband get along

half as well as you and I do,

well... I couldn't ask for anything more.

Oh, yeah...

Oh. Oh.

- [DOOR OPENS, CLOSES] - ARCHIE: I'm home.

Yeah, that's right.

No, it's not.

Hi there, kiddo. What are you doing, your homework?

I'm stuck on my arithmetic.

Oh, well, hey, that used to be my best subject there.

I'll unstuck you. What's your problem?

"A and B are in a race.

"A is running four miles an hour

"and started two hours before B,

"who is running twice as fast as A.

How long will it take B to catch up with A?"

B...

will never catch up with A.

Why not?

Listen. When I was going to school,

B was trying to catch A.

And if B ain't caught A up to now...

[CHUCKLES] You know what I mean, huh?

I'll bet you'd like to have a beer with me, huh?

Yeah.

Well, I'm gonna give you one...

when B catches A. [CHUCKLES]

We got new neighbors.

Oh, the new neighbors. Did you get a look at them?

I saw the lady.

Yeah? Well... what's she like?

She's nice.

Eh, I mean... what does she look like?

She's pretty.

Come on, I mean, eh...

What kind of... color is she?

A regular color.

Well, swell, why didn't you say so?

That's what we want around here.

- [DOORBELL RINGS] - Oh, damn.

Oh, no, you don't.

Why the hell the whole world has to beat a path to my doorbell?

Damn.

If he's selling mouse traps...

Oh, Mr. Bunker?

And if you are selling magazines, uh...

nobody in this house uh... knows how to read.

I'm not selling anything. I'm from next door.

Oh, you workin' there, huh?

You think I'm the maid, don't you?

Ah... well, what else could you be?

I mean to say, uh...

I'm your new neighbor, Polly Lewis. How do you do?

Ohh, you two are meetin'.

That's good.

- Come on in, Polly. - Thank you.

This is my husband Archie.

Archie, this is Polly Lewis...

BOTH: our new neighbor.

Yeah, I know.

Uh... I just made a mistake here, Edith...

It's your fault.

I... I took her for the maid next door.

How stupid of me.

Oh, yeah.

I wish I were the maid.

Then I wouldn't have to do windows.

Oh, yeah, you wouldn't have to do the windows.

That's a good...

Excuse me, I just gotta go inside and...

[MUMBLING] kill the kid.

EDITH: Here's your cleaner you asked me for.

Hey.

Just what exactly is your idea of a regular color?

A color you see all the time.

You're gonna be hungry doing all that work,

so I'm gonna bring you some sandwiches over later.

- Oh, thank you. - Don't worry about food.

- I'll see you later. - Yeah. Bye.

Ain't she nice?

[IMITATES EDITH]

"Ain't she nice?"

Hands off the chair!

What's the matter?

Ahh.

Listen.

You know that I always been a fair-minded guy.

Listen.

I accept that we're living in a country

where democracy's got us by the throats.

Right.

I admit that people got a right to be where they want to be.

But does that always have to be next door to me?

The Jeffersons lived next door to you.

That's right.

And I done my bit with the Jeffersons.

How often does a guy have to prove that he ain't prejudiced?

Polly is such a nice person.

Whoo-hoo, but so was Louise Jefferson.

But look at George. George Jefferson. Gee...

How would you like to have another George living next door to you?

We ain't gonna have another George

living next door to us.

And how do you know that?

Because her husband's name is Ed.

Archie, don't worry.

Nice women have nice husbands.

Don't judge the whole world by your case.

God, what's the sense of talking to you?

You never get what I mean.

Listen.

You know damn well there's certain things about me

I ain't never gonna change.

But you're asking me to make out like I'm gonna.

That's right.

The house looks great, darling.

I couldn't have picked a better one myself.

I knew you'd like it.

And wait until you meet our neighbor, Edith Bunker.

She's a lovely person.

Oh, yeah? Well, how about Mr. Bunker?

Edith tells the most wonderful stories.

I love to hear her talk.

Yeah, but, uh... how about Mr. Bunker?

Well. You remember the TV show Roots?

Yeah.

You remember the man with the whip?

Yeah.

Same guy, no whip.

Oh, God.

But you're gonna have to meet him sometime,

so when you do, please, Ed, be nice.

Ooh, why not?

I hated him in Roots,

but I'll give him a second chance.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

That must be Edith.

- Hi. Here I am. - Edith. Come in.

- Oh, hello. - How are you?

Edith Bunker, I'd like you to meet my husband, Ed Lewis.

How do you do, Mr. Lewis?

Well, it's a pleasure, Mrs. Bunker.

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

- Thank you. - Excuse me.

Uh, being as how you're gonna be eatin' sandwiches over here,

I thought I'd bring over some beer

for you to wash them down with.

Thank you. Come in.

Yeah. Thank you, I'll come in.

Oh, hello, Archie.

Don't... don't wet me, Edith.

Archie, this is Polly's husband Ed.

Ed, this is my husband Archie.

Yeah. Well, how do you do?

I want to welcome you here to the neighborhood there...

- What was it, Fred? - Ed.

- Ed. - Ed! Okay. Hey.

Ed, Ed. Hey, it's in there forever.

Ha ha ha ha.

Well, come sit down.

We don't have any chairs,

but we do have a great window seat.

Hey, yeah, yeah, hey. Many is the time when my family was there,

we'd all be at that there window seat, I'm...

Ah, holy cow.

Ah, well, actually, it was more of a... I couldn't help

but glance at the fact there that you're wearing...

a rod.

D'you ever use that in your line of work?

Oh, once in a while.

But I sure hate pulling that trigger, though.

You do, huh?

I hate spillin' blood.

Yeah, I agree with that.

They make us account for every bullet.

You mean the mob is running short of money?

The city is.

I'm with the police. I'm a detective.

Oh, oh! That's...

Oh, well, I mean, who could have knew there, hey?

Hey, Edith, guess what I just figured out over here?

The man is with the city police department.

He's a detective, huh?

- Oh, well, have a sandwich. - How do you like that?

Well, it's great to have the law living right next door.

Oh, listen. Being as you're a detective, see,

and you're our new next-door neighbor,

um, I... I wonder if... if I could ask

whether there might be some possibility in the future

that there would be an outside chance

of maybe fixing a ticket?

You see, I got an open garbage can rap hanging over me.

I'm in vice.

Vice? Well, don't vice cover open garbage cans?

No. Lids do.

I told you so.

Put a lid on it.

POLLY: Have you had dinner?

- No, I haven't. - Have a sandwich.

- Those are ham and cheese. - I've been glancing down there.

- How about some cold beer? - Great.

- ED: I think I ought to have a beer. - Ain't this cozy?

[BLOWS RASPBERRY]

Oh, Archie, please don't do that.

[♪♪♪]

All in the Family was played to a studio audience

for live responses.