Original subtitles

From the Mark Taper Forum

at the Music Center in Los Angeles,

welcome to...

Arriving for our celebration

are our viewers from 48 states,

flown to California especially for this occasion

as guests of All in the Family.

Here are the Willings from Monroe, Louisiana,

Teri and Glen Anderson from St. Paul, Minnesota...

Lucille and James Dillon from Natchez, Mississippi.

Here are Abe and Roz Friedman

from Asheville, North Carolina,

Julie and John Meyer from Milwaukee, Wisconsin.

From Cincinnati, Sue and Tim DeCoravan,

and from New Orleans, Louisiana,

Mickey and Nora Brukus.

Leonard and Wilma Jenkins... Lakeview, Ohio.

Steve and Vicky Hollinger...

Sterling, Virginia.

From Gap Mills, West Virginia,

Les and Pat Honaker.

From Terre Haute, Indiana,

Charles and Helen Wood.

Mr. and Mrs. Dennis Davis

from Snake River, Idaho.

From San Francisco,

Pete and Marge Kezios.

John and Evelyn Fosner, Rock Springs, Wyoming.

From Tampa, Florida, Jess and Burt Fuller.

From Spearfish, South Dakota, Greg and Debbie Jainer.

Clement and Dottie Canger from Knoxville, Tennessee.

Irene and Baron Grey from Searcy, Arkansas.

Mickey and Marsha Householder

from Hedgesville, West Virginia.

When you got the call that said you won, what did you do?

She screamed and hollered, "Pat, you have to take a bath."

I said, "I'm so happy."

I thought this was a hoax.

Seems to me like we're having our honeymoon

since we didn't have our honeymoon,

when we got married.

Made some friends that I hope we can correspond with

for the rest of our lives.

We will never forget this, and, oh, boy.

Stay with us as Norman Lear discusses

one of television's most honored, controversial, and provocative shows,

with your friends and neighbors,

our guests from across the nation,

featuring choice moments from 200 episodes

of All in the Family.

♪ Didn't need no welfare state ♪

♪ Everybody pulled his weight ♪

♪ Gee, our old LaSalle ran great ♪

♪ Those were the days ♪

And now here is your host for the evening,

the creator of All in the Family...

Norman Lear.

Thank you.

Thank you. Good evening.

Good evening and welcome

to our 200th Birthday Celebration

of All in the Family.

There's an ancient Greek definition of happiness.

It goes, "Happiness is the exercise of your vital abilities

"along lines of excellence

in a life that affords them scope."

Tonight I represent 60 or more very happy people...

Writers, producers, actors, directors,

staff, and crew,

who since our debut in January, 1971

have been exercising their vital abilities

communicating with you,

reaching further and further

to touch your funny bone,

your emotions,

not always succeeding,

but reaching,

in a world that afforded us the scope.

Now, you viewers provided us

with that world, that scope,

because All in the Family was anything but a success

when it began,

but 15 weeks into our run,

you discovered it,

and you are the reason we're here tonight.

We'd like to have invited

all 50 or 60 million of you

to share this moment with us,

but the Bonaventure Hotel in Los Angeles

was a little uptight about taking that many reservations.

So what we did instead

was to invite 100 couples,

and there they are,

from 48 states in the nation.

They flew here from Tennessee

and Iowa and Maine and Florida,

from Kentucky and Arizona,

Colorado and New York.

The other half of the giant collaboration

known as All in the Family...

Our audience.

No, no, I'm applauding you.

I... I really just wanted to applaud you.

Behind me, as I conclude this very sentence,

you will see Archie and Edith in bed

There they are,

Archie and Edith in bed,

not a big deal, granted,

but married folk, even a handful of unmarried folk

have been sleeping together since the dawn of time.

Before January, 1971,

television comedy didn't reflect that fact.

Anyway, as we mulled over 200 episodes,

there were a thousand ways to begin to discuss them.

We settled for the simplest...

Archie and Edith in one of our very favorite scenes.

- Mmmmm... - There, all right, Edith.

There, uh... uh, Edith,

Edith, Edith, Edith,

you know, it's been a long kind of nervous day.

You know what I mean?

So what do you say we just, you know...

I'll put the paper down,

and then you just go over there,

way over there.

We'll just go sleepy bye, huh?

But remember,

whatever happens,

I love you.

I love you, Edith.

Truly.

Thank you. Thank you.

♪ I love you truly ♪

♪ Truly dear ♪

♪ Life with its sorrow ♪

♪ Life with its tear ♪

♪ Fades into dreams ♪

♪ When I know you're near ♪

- ♪ For I love you truly ♪ - Hold it, hold it, geez.

♪ Truly dear ♪

Edit, joo, joo, joo, joo, joo,

Edith, Edith, come on, darling, listen.

I know you're singing,

and you know you're singing,

but the neighbors are liable to think I'm torturing you.

Oh, no.

Oh, you could never do that, Archie.

I know that. Yeah, I know that.

Uh...

Uh, Edith, there...

I'll tell you the truth, Edith.

I ain't myself, you know.

What I mean is

let's not start something that I can't finish.

Okay, Edith? Okay?

How thin the line is between laughter and tears.

We humans are fragile, and we're foolish,

so the humor in life doesn't cease

when we are suffering

any more than it stops being serious

when we are laughing the hardest.

That's why, from the very beginning,

All in the Family chose to deal with human problems

that concern us all.

Ma, something's wrong. I know you.

Why does everybody around here

think they know me?

Remember, Gloria,

deep waters run very still.

But Ma...

I've known me

a lot longer than you have,

so don't go around saying you know me.

Okay.

Okay, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to upset you.

I got a lump in my breast.

What did you just say?

- I got a lump in... - Oh, Ma...

That's the first time I said it out loud.

What was it you wanted to ask me?

I'm afraid, if I have this operation,

Archie won't think of me in the same way.

Oh, Edith, stop scaring yourself.

Archie loves you, and nothing's going to change that.

But I'm going to change a lot.

Listen, even if you have to have the operation,

it's still going to be all right.

Believe me.

You don't know.

That's just the point, Edith. I do know.

I know.

You mean, you?

Six years ago.

And you see how Frank and I get along?

It hasn't made one bit of difference

in our marriage.

Don't bother looking, Edith.

I... I wasn't.

You're coming home tomorrow morning?

Yeah.

Edith, they told me you had cancer.

I thought I did, too, Archie,

but it was just a little cyst,

and the surgeon got rid of it just like that.

Oh.

So what are you laying here for?

Well, when they told me everything was all right,

I got so excited,

I jumped off the examining table,

and I broke my ankle.

What are you going to do to me?

Just exactly what you think I'm going to do to you.

No, you wouldn't do that. No.

- No, you wouldn't... - Yeah, I will.

Hey, knock it off. Knock it off.

All right, just stay quiet, okay?

What are you going to do?

You aren't taking off your clothes, are you?

Yeah. Then I'm going to take yours off.

Wouldn't you like a cup of coffee instead?

I don't drink coffee.

I got Sanka.

Lady, you're stalling, and it ain't going to do you any good.

Now, this is going to happen,

so just relax, okay?

Listen, I gotta get out of here.

See, I gotta get ready

for my birthday party.

Happy birthday.

Thank you.

Couldn't we do this without kissing?

Yeah, yeah, okay,

but you're going to change your mind.

Oh, there's something burning in the kitchen.

What is it?

It's in the kitchen.

All right, all right, come on, come on, come on.

There's something burning in the kitchen.

There's a fire.

Fire! Oh!

My birthday cake!

My birthday cake burning!

Lady, get rid of it.

Get rid of it.

Oh, yeah, now I see what your idea of a free country is.

You're free to say anything you want,

but if anyone disagrees with you,

they're either thrown into jail or called a meathead, right?

That's right 'cause this is America, land that I love.

I love it, too, Mr. Bunker.

It's because I do that I protest when I think things are wrong.

And stand beside her and guide her...

The right to dissent is the principle from which this country was based.

Through the night from above.

Listen to me. It's in the Bill of Rights.

From the mountains to the prairies...

Why do you think we broke away from England to begin with?

- Because we didn't agree with them! - to the oceans...

- We demanded freedom! - White with foam.

It's guys like you... It's guys like you who don't listen to reason.

God bless America, you dumb Polack.

You're prejudiced! You're prejudiced!

My home sweet home.

Not anymore! I'm leaving!

- ♪ God bless America ♪ - You're prejudiced!

- Archie. - Get away from me.

♪ My home ♪

♪ Sweet home ♪

Seven years ago,

in September of 1972,

the cover story of Time magazine

showed a photograph of Archie Bunker,

Fred Sanford, and Maude,

and the banner headline above them read,

"The New TV Season...

Toppling Old Taboos."

Inside the article recalled the time,

not too many years before,

when Jack Paar walked off The Tonight Show

because NBC had edited out one line,

a reference to the initials W.C.,

meaning "water closet,"

the British expression for toilet.

They also recalled

the time in 1968

when Petula Clark momentarily rested her white hand

on the black arm of guest star Harry Belafonte

in a TV special that they were doing,

and a major automobile company struggled for weeks

to have the moment cut out of the broadcast.

Time magazine went on to say,

"That was the way it was

"on network entertainment shows.

"Blacks were visible but untouchable,

"and bathrooms simply did not exist.

"By and large any subjects were fair game

"except those that bore

on the reality of viewer's lives,"

end of quote.

There's Archie and Mike.

They argued about everything

that bore on the reality of their lives.

A conservative has been described

as a man with two perfectly good legs,

who has never learned to walk forward...

and a liberal...

A person whose interests

don't happen to be at stake at the moment.

As Archie and Mike debated the issues,

we tried to keep the political arguments

as even handed as those descriptions.

We tried, but being human,

we make no claim to have totally succeeded.

I still got faith in Nixon.

Which one?

Whatta you mean, which one?

- The Nixon who knew why we should be in Vietnam? - Yes.

The Nixon who knew all the reasons

- we had to be friends with Russia and China? - Yes.

The Nixon who knew all the secret reasons

- we had to keep bombing Cambodia? - Yeah, damn right.

The Nixon who didn't know a single thing about Watergate?

Watergate again!

Archie, when are you gonna... When are you gonna stop

with this commie jazz?

It's all over, Arch.

The Red Scare kaput.

Nixon's going to Peking, remember?

Hold it, buddy. He ain't there yet.

What's that supposed to mean?

Five Presidents have been warning us

for the last 25 years

against them Red chinks,

and nobody's going to tell me

that the signals is off now

and a billion enemies is now our friends.

Oh, no, Mr. Nixon

has got something up the sleeve.

Yeah, like recommending

they be admitted to the U.N.

Oh, that would be the day

when this country sits down

with a nation of chink ping-pong players

who don't believe in God.

Those fireside chats kept this country informed,

and one "My friends" from Roosevelt

was worth a barrel full of "Let me make this perfectly clears."

Oh...

now you're rapping my President, huh?

Well, let me tell you one thing about Richard E. Nixon.

He knows how to keep his wife Pat home.

Roosevelt could never do that with Eleanor.

She was always out on the loose,

running around with the coloreds,

telling them they was getting the short end of the stick.

She was the one that discovered the coloreds in this country.

We never knew they was there.

Hey, don't blame the college kids.

Put the blame for unemployment where it belongs,

right at the White House door.

Well, don't blame President Ford, will you?

The man's doing a hell of a job

for a guy nobody voted for.

I hate that jerk on TV!

Oh, I get it. I get it.

When you thought he was talking about VD

and a permissive society, he was smart, huh?

You find out he's talking about gun control, he's a jerk?

That's right, and I'm going to prove it to you.

How many people in this U.S. of A. would like to have guns?

Too many, thousands.

But how many people would like to have VD?

There's the poor man out in California.

He's out of a job.

He's got that big house to maintain in San Clemency.

What about the rest of the people in this country, huh, Arch?

Ford promised no more secrets, no more surprises.

What does he do? He turns around and pardons Nixon.

He done that under direct orders, buddy boy.

From who?

God.

Arch, we want to watch the election returns.

You care more about a lousy movie

than you do a Presidential election?

Certainly. What do I care about something I know how it's going to come out?

Everybody know how it's gonna come out,

including them McGovern people.

See them on the news reels with all the worried looks on their faces?

Yeah. Yeah, not the Nixons.

See the picture of Pat in the paper today?

She was all smiles.

Yeah, well, maybe she won't be smiling tomorrow.

Yeah, she will, buddy boy,

because when she wakes up tomorrow morning,

she knows she's been sleeping

with the President of the U.S. of A.

Is she going to McGovern's place,

or is he going to hers?

Robert Frost said, "The middle of the road

"is where the white line is...

And that's the worst place to drive."

There were no middle-of-the-roaders at the Bunkers',

and we've come in for our share

of criticism about that.

Some people feel that neither the characters nor the show

had a right to express a point of view.

Well, throughout the '50s and '60s

there were dozens of television comedies

in which there were no topical references,

no political discussions,

no mention of a current event,

and we've often thought,

by the very omission of all reality,

those programs were expressing a point of view, too.

They were telling us, "You have no problem between the races.

"There is no inflation,

"no such thing as recession, no unemployment.

"There are no problems with the poor or the elderly,

"women are not seeking equality,

and we are not in trouble in Vietnam."

To us, the omission of all social awareness

on the TV comedies of the '50s and '60

just might have expressed a stronger point of view

than any subject we may have touched

in 8 1/2 years.

And speaking of Vietnam,

as Archie and Mike wrestled with the problem,

so did the rest of us,

not that Archie faced his feelings about Vietnam voluntarily.

He met them head on at his own dinner table.

It was Christmas 1977.

How do you like that, Pinky, huh?

We got a draft dodger here,

writes a snotty letter to the Commander in Chief.

I mean, what the hell do you do with that?

Look, Mr. Bunker, I don't want to spoil your Christmas dinner,

so maybe I should go.

Oh, no.

Daddy, don't let him go. Don't make him...

Certainly he's got to go!

What are you talking about?

The FBI was to find him here,

we could all be having Christmas dinner in the hoosegow.

Daddy, it's Christmas Eve.

Now, don't go making a big crisis out of it.

Look, Arch, what David did took a lot of guts.

What do you mean, a lot of guts?

If my own father doesn't understand, why should he?

When the hell are you going to admit

that the war was wrong?

I ain't talking about that war.

I don't want to talk about that rotten damn war no more!

I'm talking about something else!

And what he done was wrong!

Saying he won't go.

What do you think, that all the people of this country

can say whether or not they want to go to war?

You couldn't get a decent war off the ground that way.

All the young people would say no.

Sure they would

because they don't want to get killed.

And that's why we leave it to the Congress,

because them old crocks ain't gonna get killed.

And they're going to do the right thing

and get behind the President and vote yes.

Arch, if my opinion is of any importance...

Certainly your opinion is important.

A gold star father.

Your opinion is more important

than anybody else in this room,

and I want to hear that opinion,

and I want these young people here to hear that opinion.

Now, you tell them, Pinky. You tell them.

I understand how you feel, Arch.

My kid hated the war, too,

but he did what he thought he had to do,

and David here did what he thought he had to do.

But David's alive to share Christmas dinner with us,

and if Steve were here, he'd want to sit down with him,

and that's what I want to do.

Merry Christmas, David.

Merry Christmas, sir.

- Daddy... - No, no, no, no.

Archie, please, sit down and eat.

No, no, no, no.

But, Archie, it's Christmas.

I can't.

I gotta work this out, Edith.

I can't think about that.

But, Archie, you asked Pinky what to do,

and you see what he's doing?

You ought to do the same.

Come on.

There's a drumstick for you.

Oh, Edith, I...

I ain't thinking about eating, geez.

I'll take it, Ma.

Leave it on the plate. Leave it on the plate.

Um...

I don't want to stop none of youse from...

eating Edith's nice Christmas dinner here.

So you might as well eat it,

but I'll tell you one thing.

When dinner's over,

I still gotta work this out.

You better remind me to do that, Edith.

Oh, I will.

Eat, eat, eat, eat.

We now rejoin the 200th Episode Celebration

of All in the Family.

Hello, Dr. Shapiro.

This is Edith Bunker, 704 Hauser Street.

Would you please call us as soon as you can

because my hu...

Hello, Dr. Shapiro.

This is Edith Bunker, 704 Hauser Street.

Would you please call us as soon as you can

because my husband Archie Bunker

thinks he got infectious hepat...

Hello, Dr. Shapiro. This is Edith Bunker, 704 Hauser Street.

What the hell are you doing over there?

I'm talking to a tape recorder.

They say give the message when it beeps,

but they don't give you enough time between beeps.

Give me that telephone!

Who else...

Who else but Edith Bunker

would try to make peace

with a telephone answering machine?

George Bernard Shaw once said

that Christianity might be a good thing

if anyone ever tried it.

Well, Edith has tried it.

Edith Bunker lives it.

Is it my deal?

No, wait a minute. Forget the deal.

You don't play that bad.

You gave me this 10 of spades on purpose.

- I did? - Yeah, you did.

Now, why did you do that?

Well, Archie,

I thought it would make you feel better

if I let you win.

What?

That would be the day

when I gotta win by you letting me win.

I was winning here before you let me win.

You know what you done now? You spoiled the game.

I don't want to play with you no more.

You want to do something together?

Do something together by yourself.

Archie, I'm sorry.

I thought I was doing a good thing.

Oh, sure, good thing.

That's you all over,

always doing good.

Edith the good.

You never get mad at nobody.

You never holler at nobody.

You never swear, no nothing.

You're like a saint, Edith.

You think it's fun living with a saint?

It ain't. It ain't at all.

Look at this. You don't even cheat to win.

You cheat to lose.

I mean, Edith, you ain't human.

That's a terrible thing to say.

I'm just as human as you are.

Prove you're just as human as me.

Do something rotten.

All right, I will.

You're a...

You're... You're a...

Ohh!

I can't.

I know you can't.

You can't do nothing that ain't good.

You ain't... You ain't human.

I am so, human!

How can you say that I'm not after 23 years of marriage?

How can you stand there and say I'm not human?

Oh, geez, now you're going to cry, there, Edith.

I can't help it. That was a terrible thing to say.

I can't stand here and fight with you if you're going to cry.

I can't help it.

You say you're sorry, and I'll stop crying.

Stop that.

Stop that.

Archie, things will never be the same between us

if you don't say you're sorry.

- Are you going to stop crying? - I can't.

Then that's it.

Archie, where are you going?

I'm going to go out.

Archie, please, say you're sorry.

I'll give you one more chance to stop crying.

- You going to stop? - I can't.

Then that's it. Pushed me too far, Edith.

Good-bye. Good-bye.

What's your secret?

Oh, I ain't got no secret.

Archie and me still have fights,

but we don't let them go on too long.

Somebody always says, "I'm sorry,"

and Archie always says, "That's okay, Edith."

And then we forget it.

No, Edith, that's not what I mean.

I mean, you must be doing something right

when you go to bed at night.

We go to sleep.

No, no, Edith. Nothing... Nothing more?

Well, nothing more than we've been doing

since the minister said we could.

But, Edith, do you see pinwheels and sky rockets

and fireworks like the Fourth of July?

With me and Archie,

it's more like Thanksgiving.

Archie, a present for me?

Certainly. Open it up.

Oh, very surprised.

Oh, Archie,

a Lady Gillette.

Oh.

Yeah, well, the drug store

was the only joint open this time of night.

Thank you.

You like it?

Who wouldn't?

What about you two?

What happened on your first date?

Make believe you don't hear that.

Oh, I'll never forget it.

Try.

I was at the Puritan Maid ice cream parlor...

Don't make it a long story, will you?

Yeah, me and my cousin Mort.

Mort.

We was having one of their specials.

It was called a Steamboat.

Oh, it was so delicious...

Five different flavors,

and Archie was sitting at another table,

with that fellow Jefferson Pratt.

Remember him?

Anyway, Archie was trying to get my attention.

So first he put two straws in his nose like a Walrus.

And then...

No, anyplace you want to, Archie.

Come on. Tell me, where would you like to take me?

Well, I would like to take you out to the kitchen

and introduce you to some pots and pans.

Oh. Oh, yeah.

I see.

You don't wanna take me with you when you get out

'cause you wanna get away from me.

- Oh, Edith, geez. - Is that right?

- Ain't that the truth? - Edith.

It's the truth, ain't it, Archie?

Ed... All right. You want the truth?

I'll tell you the truth.

The truth is, that's the truth.

Sometimes. Sometimes.

Well, now, Edith, I said sometimes.

I said sometimes there.

Don't go falling apart on me, will you?

We're married 27 years there.

Don't mess around with a perfect marriage.

Where you going?

I'm going out.

Edith, what are you talking about?

Where you going alone?

See, Archie,

I gotta get away from you tonight.

Edith, Edith, Edith,

I asked you where you was going.

Where are you going?

I'm going where the action is.

I'm gonna thank God... Thank God.

Thanks. You're okay in my book.

No, really, Edith. Now, we gotta have

- a little thankfulness around here, you know? - Oh, yeah.

Hey, hey, church on Sunday, huh?

- Oh, Archie, that would be nice. - Yeah.

Yeah. Maybe I'll even go with ya.

The fact that Archie never went to church very much

never kept him from his own interpretation of the Bible.

Of course, people have been interpreting the Bible

for their own purposes for centuries.

But none of them could've done so

with any more passion or any more convolution

than Abe Bunker, from the vicinity of his chair,

at 704 Hauser Street, Queens.

Let me tell you something.

When the missionaries went into darkest Africa

to bring God to the natives,

you think they asked their permission?

Like hell. They dragged them out of the trees

and right down to the river,

and they held them under there

until they seen the light.

And the natives was glad about that,

because that's the way they found God.

And then later on,

when they was chained to the bottom of the slave ships,

why, they was happy because they had somebody

to pray to there, see?

Which proves that for everybody's own good,

you gotta use force.

That's the Christian way.

Edith, do you know where God sends people

who dares go against His will?

- Where? - To hell, hell, hell!

Now, Edith, he sent down plagues on you, Edith.

Thousands of "berls" like he put onto Job there,

and locusts there to rip up your lung

and eat your hedges there,

and then send down hailstones as big as baseballs

to bust your roof out there.

He could ram you within the belly of a whale.

If God gets sore enough with you, Edith,

he could your jawbone into an ass.

If God had meant man to fight,

why didn't he put guns in the Garden of Eden?

Who the hell is Adam gonna shoot, Eve?

And why is he gonna do that anyway?

'Cause she's gotta help him populate the world

and make his breakfast for him.

And when the world gets population enough,

and you got enough people in the world to make armies,

then God sent down a way that they could invent the gun.

And I think that German preacher Martin "Luger"

made the first one.

I swear, I think you do these things sometimes

just to eat my heart out.

And that's what you do, you know.

Little by little, piece by piece,

you eat my heart out.

I don't care.

Well, you're not gonna get away with this.

- What are you gonna do about it? - This.

Watergate, Watergate, Watergate, Watergate, Watergate, Watergate!

- Watergate, Watergate, Watergate, Watergate! - Don't say that no more!

Goddamn it!

What happened to you?

- You shouldn't swear like that. - I didn't swear.

- You shouldn't swear like that. - I didn't swear.

- You swore, you swore. - I did not. I did not.

Ever since this Watergate thing,

it's "G.D. this and G.D. that."

That ain't swearing, Edith... G.D.

The first word there is "God," ain't it?

How can that be a swear word...

The most popular word in the Bible?

The second word... That's "damn."

That's a perfectly good word. You hear that all the time.

Like, uh, they dammed the river to keep it from flooding, see?

And even in the Bible, you read where some guy

is damned for cheating or stealing

or committing "insects" in the family.

And who damned them? Who else? God!

God damned him!

Edith, beautiful words right out of the holy book.

Don't show your ignorance.

Archie... Archie could use the Bible

to rationalize his poorest behavior.

Nothing new in that.

Nothing new in using the Bible to rationalize bigotry either.

Has the presence on television of Archie Bunker, the bigot,

helped to assuage the problem of bigotry in our society?

Or has it reinforced it?

The question has been raised often,

and we don't know the answer.

But we're convinced that part of it rests

in how smart we perceive the American people to be.

The social critic H.L. Mencken

may have done us a great harm when he quipped,

"No one ever lost money

underestimating the intelligence of the American people."

I think we're all losers

every time our leaders believe that.

Anyway, however much we may laugh

at the way Archie expresses his outrageous prejudices,

and however loveable he may be in other respects,

we are content that the American people know very well

that Archie Bunker, the bigot,

is basically a horse's ass.

Are you telling me the Pope gets a kickback on chain letters?

Well, I didn't say that, but figure it out yourself.

He lives in a big palace, don't he?

Got about a thousand dollars' worth of paintings

on the ceiling alone.

He's got a ring bigger than Elizabeth "Taylorses."

And he dresses better than Jackie "Manasses."

You don't pay for all that stuff selling meatballs.

Oh, no. I'm gonna sue that guy.

First thing in the morning, I gotta get myself a good Jew lawyer.

Archie, do you always have to label people?

Why can't you just get a lawyer? Why does it have to be a Jewish lawyer?

'Cause when I'm gonna sue an "Ayrab," I'm gonna get a guy

that's full of hate.

Just because a guy is sensitive and he's an intellectual,

and he wears glasses, you make him out a queer.

I never said a guy who wears glasses is a queer.

A guy who wears glasses is a four-eyes.

A guy who is a fag is a queer.

They like to be called Chicanos, all right?

Aw, who cares? What's in a name anyhow, huh?

In my day, nobody went around calling themselves

Chicano, Mexican-Americans, Afro-Americans.

We was all Americans.

After that, if a guy was a jig or a spic, it was his own business.

His wife, Ramona, told him.

And she got it straight from their own doctor,

a regular white guy.

Nothing personal. I mean, you understand me.

- Oh, sure. I understand you. - Yeah.

Them white doctors, they sure knows their stuff.

Boy, that Marcus Welby,

he must make 15 million house calls a week.

Mm, mm, mm, mm.

Where does... Where does Archie's prejudice come from?

Where does anyone's prejudice come from?

Oscar Hammerstein told us

you've got to be carefully taught.

Archie and Mike were stuck one night

in the storeroom of Archie's bar.

It was cold, and they had been drinking.

So I couldn't go to school with only one shoe, see?

But my mother... She found a boot.

So I had a shoe on one foot there,

and a boot on the other.

A shoe and a boot. Shoe, boot.

So the kids called me Shoebootie.

The kids all made fun of you, huh?

Yeah, they all made fu...

Well, all except one little black kid by the name of Winston.

A black kid liked you?

No, the black kid beat the hell outta me.

Why?

I... I don't know. Nothing much.

Well, he must've had a reason.

Well, he said that I said he was a nigger.

Well, did you?

Sure.

Well, then that's the reason.

What the hell reason was that?

That's what all them people was called in them days there.

I mean, everybody we knew called them people niggers.

That's all my old man ever called them there.

Did you ever think that possibly

your father just might be wrong?

Wrong... my old man? Don't be stupid.

My old man... Let me tell you about him.

He was never wrong about nothing.

- Yes, he was, Arch. - Huh?

Father who made you...

wrong?

Your father,

the breadwinner in the house there,

the man who goes out

and busts his butt to keep a roof over your head

and clothes on your back...

You call your father wrong?

Hey, hey, your father...

Your father...

That's the man that comes home,

bringing you candy.

Your father's the first guy to throw a baseball to you

and take you for walks

in the park,

hold me by the hand.

My father held me by the hand.

Oh, hey.

My father had a hand on him...

Oh, I tell you.

He busted that had once,

and he busted it on me

to teach me to do good.

Hmm?

My father... he shoved me in the closet

for seven hours to teach me to do good

'cause he loved me.

He loved me.

Don't be looking at me!

Aah.

Let me tell you something.

You're supposed to love your father

'cause your father loves you.

Now, how can any man that loves you

tell you anything that's wrong?

What's the use in talking?

Good night, Shoebootie.

Thank you.

There was a time when All in the Family

could not be seen on television before 9:00 p.m.

The network hierarchy wanted to protect children

from its frank language,

which could be heard, of course, any day,

on any school playground anywhere in the country.

Children also needed protection,

these executives thought, from the candid way

we handled human sexuality.

How much protection this afforded children we don't know,

since the very same shows were being run

five times a week, in the middle of the afternoon anyway.

We mention this not to berate the network,

but to point up the schizophrenic attitude

about sex that pervades our society,

right up to, and including,

some of the nation's most prominent executives.

If they can't deal with,

what then should we expect from an Edith or Archie Bunker

as they attempt to deal with the problems

of human sexuality in their lives.

Ma, did you ever wonder if Daddy stopped loving you?

Is that what's bothering you?

You think your father don't love me no more?

No, Ma, it's not Daddy I'm thinking about,

it's Michael.

Michael. Why would Michael love me no more?

No, Ma, the problem's between Michael and me.

Oh. Well, what is it?

Ma, you know I can't tell you about a sexual problem.

- Sexu... - Yes.

Can I?

Why not?

I mean, I'm your mother,

and if you have a problem about s...

S-something to do with...

one of those problems,

you can tell me.

All right. It's Michael.

You see, lately, we've been apart.

Why?

Well, lately, he hasn't been able to...

You see, I can't tell you.

Oh, Gloria, I'm sorry.

It's crazy.

The longer it goes on, the more worried he gets

and the more guilty about himself and the more angry at me.

Oh, well, don't worry.

I'm sure it'll be all right.

I have a call into Dr. Kermit.

Maybe he'll know what's wrong.

Oh, sure. He'll know.

It's probably just something that's going around.

What's the problem with them two?

Well, Archie, I don't know the whole story, but...

Oh, I just can't tell you.

You just don't like to hear about such things.

I like to hear about everything that's going on in this house.

Now, what kind of a problem have they got?

Well, it's sexual.

Shush.

You know I don't like to hear nothing about that there.

You better hear about this, Archie.

Well, all right. You can tell me.

But start slow.

Don't put in nothing extra, see?

And I'll say "stop" when I know what it is.

Well...

You remember you once told me

about a fella, Petie Simpson,

who came back from the war?

Stop. I know what it is.

- And he wasn't able to... - Stop! I know what it is.

Mm-hmm.

- Oh, nah, Edith. - Oh, yeah.

Gloria told me.

And she was there.

I don't have a condition, I'm pregnant.

Don't say that.

Can't you say you're expecting?

Geez, "pregnant" sounds like you done something.

We did.

When I was a little girl and a woman was starting to show,

they used to say she was expecting a bundle from heaven.

But, of course, everybody knew it was really a baby.

I wish we could get back to them days.

What this world needs is a little more of that class.

Well, here and before, when we talk about Gloria's condition now,

we're just gonna say she's expecting.

Or in a family way.

Or with child.

How do you feel about "knocked up"?

Edith, read a magazine.

All right.

Maybe I shouldn't look at this one, Archie.

Aw, read it, read it, read it.

Gimme that!

Turn around and drop your pants.

Come on. You're a lady.

I'm a registered nurse.

Believe me, yours won't be my first.

Drop 'em.

You mean all the way down?

Mr. Bunker, I have patients waiting out there!

All right, all right. Don't yell at me, huh?

Geez.

Now the shorts.

You know, uh...

I hate to say this, but a nice girl

would shoot me through the shorts.

The shorts.

Oh, geez.

I feel like a flasher.

Don't be embarrassed, Mr. Bunker.

To me, it's just another face in the crowd.

Agh! Oh! Mm!

Cut it out, will you? Tell her!

I will not.

All right. Then you tell he that. You do that pretty good.

I won't go to my mother.

Why the hell not?

You go to your father every chance you get.

I only go to you

when you go to me.

Well, to the whole damn bunch of youse!

A lot... A lot has been made

of the decibel level on All in the Family.

They shout too much.

The complaint is legitimate,

unless you happen to come from a family

who lives at the top of their lungs

and the ends of their nerves.

Those of you who do know such a family might agree

that the unbridled passion of the Bunkers and the Stivics

is more than just loud,

there's also a celebration of life.

But don't let me talk you into it.

That's just the way we feel.

Gloria... Gloria, just because I wanna show you my love,

that doesn't mean that you have to go and get pregnant!

- What do you mean, me? - Ow!

Gee, you think I can get pregnant all by myself?

Ow!

I'm tired of being the one that has to take all of the precautions.

- Ow! - Why don't you do something about it for a change?

Because it doesn't work if I take the pill!

There are other methods!

Gloria, you know

that you hate male contraceptives as much as I do!

Now, I know it's not fair for the woman to take all the precautions!

But that's the way things are!

You were born with all the parts that need protection!

Yeah, because you were born with all the parts we need protection from!

Let go of me!

Ohh!

What the hell is going on here?

Now, I am sorry,

but I have had it.

I have no more remembering to take the pill,

no IUDs, no nothing.

From now on,

it is up to you, buster.

Up to me?

Yeah.

If you're the one that's so gung ho

about not bringing any more children in this world,

then do something about it.

Get a vasectomy.

Ow!

Hello, Archie. How was your day?

Does that answer your question?

Oh, yeah, I guess so.

Would it make you feel any better if I told you

that today is Henry Mancini's birthday?

Oh, hello, Gloria. How was your day at work?

Lousy, Ma. I'm telling you,

it's a city full of weirdoes out there.

Oh, Ma...

Ma...

To begin with, it was sales day at the store.

Do you have any idea what 50% off

does to nice, normal women?

It turns them into raving lunatics.

Did you ever see a size 18 fatso trying to zip herself into a size 10?

- No, but I remember... - Ma! I'm talking, Ma.

Now, if that wasn't bad enough,

coming home on the bus I felt like a sardine in a can.

And lucky me, I got to be standing right next to a groper.

He made me feel like a fresh loaf of Wonder Bread.

Oh, my.

I tell you, the only good thing about getting on a bus nowadays

is knowing that you're getting off again.

Hold it. Hold it there, little girl.

I can hear them complaints all the way up in the terlet.

Listen, you ain't be working long enough to know,

but when you come home at the end of the day,

you're supposed to leave your troubles outside the door.

You come in with a cheerful word and a smile.

Don't be bringing your burdens in here and dumping them on your mother.

Will you get supper on the table?

Give me that now. Give me that now.

No.

Oh, ain't that lovely?

- Give me that. - Oh, no!

- Give me... Give me that! - Oh, no! No, no!

Oh, oh, oh!

Where did you learn a low-class dodge like that?

Oh, that's a high-class dodge.

Bette Davis done it.

And Joan Crawford and Claudette Colbert,

Loretta Young... They all done this.

They all done this.

Well, Clark Gable and Spencer Tracy

and Tyrone Power and Archie Bunker... we all done this here!

- Oh, no! - Gimme that! Give it!

- Give it! Give me that! - No!

Edith!

Gimme that!

Come on now! Come on now, Edith!

- Edith! Edith! - Ohh. Ohh.

- I want it! - No! I ain't giving to you.

Edith, I gotta have it!

You're an animal.

Oh, inhale, exhale.

Inhale. Swallow. Push.

- Here it is. Here it is. - Two, three, four...

- The head is coming. - The head is coming.

- Six, seven, eight. - Take it nice and easy.

One, two, three, four, five,

six, seven, eight.

- That-a-girl. That-a-girl. - Okay. Okay.

- Keep pushing. - One, two, three...

- Like stepping on the accelerator of a car. - four, five...

I don't drive.

Keep pushing. Did you hear that?

You hear what she said? She said she doesn't drive.

She's sitting here panting and pushing, and she's making jokes!

Isn't she terrific? She's terrific!

Terrific, honey! Just terrific! Isn't she terrific! She's terrific!

Keep calm, Mr. Stivic.

We haven't lost a father yet.

Did you hear what she said, honey?

We haven't lost a father yet! Isn't she terrific?

- Everybody's terrific! - - Gloria, you're doing fine.

- Okay, honey. - Fine.

Now stop pushing and look at the mirror.

Just blow, honey. Just blow. Don't push.

- Blow. Blow. - Now the head is coming.

- Here's the head. - Oh!

- Beautiful! Beautiful! - Is it a boy or a girl?

I can't tell from just the ears.

Let me hold your head, sweetie.

Gloria, Gloria, just one more little push.

- One little push, honey. One little push. - Okay.

- You have a son. - We have a son!

- Aah! - A healthy son.

We have a son!

We have a son!

We have a son!

Mr. Archie Bunker?

Who is it, Edith?

Just a minute.

It sounds like the operator.

It's for Mr. Archie Bunker.

What is it, a long-distance call?

That's what it sounds like.

Hello.

This is Archie Bunker here. Yeah.

Huh?

Will I hold for Eddie Frazier?

Sure, I'll hold for Eddie Frazier.

Hey, Edith, it's Eddie Frazier.

He must be calling me from the Coast to find out about...

Hello? Yeah, I'm holding.

Here. Edith, you take this thing. Keep the line alive, will you?

He's calling me from California.

A guy worth 35 million dollars!

Just... Yes.

Just a minute now. He's right here.

Mr. Bunker had to answer another call.

The toilet flush.

I guess nothing we have done on All in the Family

has offended some people more

than our occasional use of bathroom humor.

We never did it to offend.

We did it because we found it funny and dear.

The very first laugh that a parent shares with a child

probably has something to do

with the child's toilet training.

You remember.

So we have never understood why

such sweet shared moments

should lose any of their sweetness

when we laugh at them together as grown-ups.

There we go.

Now we get it off there.

Now we get it off...

It's okay. It's okay.

Only take a minute here.

There we go. Yeah.

Now we get it all together here.

Now, I'll be right with you. Now don't move.

Okay, okay. I ain't leaving the room.

Here we are. This is gonna feel good.

We get it all wiped off.

Won't it... Take it easy. Take it easy there.

Getting it all wiped off.

Get it nice and clean there.

And, uh... And then we, uh...

Aahh.

Yeah, we got a didey coming for you now.

Yeah. It's a nice clean one.

Okay. Take it easy there.

Now...

There you have it.

There you have it. Our critics new

that All in the Family would finally come to this one day...

Frontal nudity.

Actually, when the network

first saw the script that called for this scene,

they did come to us with a problem.

They wanted to be sure that when Archie diapered the baby,

we cut about here so that his hands

and the infant's parts were out of camera range.

We asked why, and the individual

that came to laughed, and he said,

"Come on. You know why. You can't do that on television.

"There's gonna be a tremendous knee-jerk reaction

in the middle of the country."

It's always the middle of the country

that won't understand, they say.

But the middle of the country survived that shock,

and that one state seceded from the Union.

All of this raises an important question

for all of us, however.

Do we want television to be free enough

to provoke and stimulate and irritate

and even offend us sometimes?

Or do we want such freedom

declared a misuse of the medium

and thereby lose the opportunity

to share, either with delight or dismay,

such real moments

as the one taking place behind me?

Right there, boy.

I got a hell of a job here.

Over there, okay?

That's okay.

I'll take care of you in a minute here.

Get this down here.

Tape that over there and over there.

You'll be real safe, all right?

There.

Hang on there.

There you go. Okay, kid?

Before we bring out the stars of All In the Family,

we'd like to close as we began...

With one of our very favorite scenes.

I love you, Ma.

I love you, Gloria.

Hey.

I love you, Daddy.

Uh, your daddy certainly loves you, little girl.

- No! - Here.

The taxi meter's running out there, you know?

You... You better call them two out of the kitchen, huh?

Yeah. Go do that.

M-Michael, the cab driver's honking.

Okay, honey.

You want to take Joey?

- Joey! - Come on, Joey.

- Goodbye, Joey. - Say goodbye to Grandma.

- Here, say goodbye to Grandpa. - So long, Joe.

- Put your coat on. - So long, Joe.

- Goodbye. - So long, Joe.

Remember Grandma loves you.

- I love you, Mike. - I love you, Ma.

Hey, uh, the taxi meter's running on there, you know.

It's got to be at least a $15 ride out there.

You don't want to add to it, you know.

No use in doing that, you know.

They charge you enough for them rides.

Yeah, yeah.

Gloria! Gloria!

Goodbye.

Goodbye, Ma.

Goodbye, Joey.

- Goodbye, Mike. - Bye, Ma.

I...

- Arch... - Hey, listen,

have a good trip there, huh?

Have a good trip.

- Oh. Yeah. - Yeah.

I know you always thought I hated you...

Oh, shh.

But I love you.

Hey, uh, you be sure and send postcards

every now and then, will you?

Because your mother-in-law, she's...

She's gonna...

She's gonna want to know that you're all right.

You know?

Well, it's a good sky.

Uh, take off and have a good trip.

Yeah. Bye, Arch.

Ladies and gentlemen...

After eight and a half years and 200 episodes,

Miss Sally Struthers.

Six months pregnant.

Rob Reiner.

Miss Jean Stapleton.

And, ladies and gentlemen,

Mr. Carroll O'Connor!

♪♪

And now let's join the after-show party

in the Founders' Circle

at the Music Center's Dorothy Chandler Pavillion.

Our thanks to the Los Angeles Philharmonic

for their gracious cooperation.

Production assistance and financial consideration

provided by the Los Angeles Bonaventure.

For the 200th episode celebration

of All In the Family,

this is Dick Tufeld speaking.

Thank you for joining us.

Closed-Captioned By J.R. Media Services, Inc. Burbank, CA