Original subtitles

Damn! How're you doin' today, ma'am?

Shit! I'm gonna need to see some sort of proof

that you got a smog check,

and I'm gonna need to see your...

license and registration, please.

Oh, my God!

-Good morning, gang. - Good morning.

Due to budget cuts, today's briefing

is brought to you by Chicken Out.

"If you're out of chicken, don't scream and shout.

Tap your digits to Chicken Out."

I don't know how it works but they're paying for it today.

Um...

Oh, never mind, it's stupid. I'm not gonna tell you 'bout it.

- What? - No, never mind, it's stupid.

Tell us what it is.

You obviously wanted us to ask you about it.

What the fuck is it, Jim?

Well, okay. It's pretty neat.

So all of the Nevada lieutenants got a challenge coin.

It's got Mike Pence, and it says,

"You survived the 2020 race riots."

We did. Barely.

And then on the back, it's so fun,

Antifa getting kicked with a boot.

Oh! That's beautiful.

I want that!

Maybe you can just pass it and everyone can take a turn?

That's for all of us?

It's for the top brass law enforcement guys.

I got one. Pretty neat, if I do say so myself.

I look a little bit like Pence, don't you think?

Is ours coming later? Like, you get the first one

and then we're all gonna get them afterwards?

Did they say... everybody got one?

- Question. -Yeah?

We all chip in and we get this cast...

and we all get one.

We could paint them ourselves. -Yeah.

Then do that. But don't do it with mine.

Why the-- I got through the fucking riots, too!

And if you were in a slightly higher position,

you would get one of these amazing things.

- You know what I'll do? - That's elitist.

I'm gonna make t-shirts for everybody.

I don't want a t-shirt. I want a fucking challenge coin!

And you're allowed to look at it. Good day.

Ah! Fuck you!

Oh, classic!

Here come the cops. - Hey, how're you doing?

I'm trying to do good here, okay? This out of pocket!

Okay? And that took a long time to paint.

It's beautiful.

I have never tried to convince the locals

that my penis is a lake monster,

and that I swim around on my back

with my boner sticking out of the water.

Shame on you!

Well, we didn't even bring that up.

I wasn't thinking about your penis at all.

You brought it up. Now I can't stop thinking about it.

Oh, you think about it constantly!

I'm an actor. And I portray Tessie the Lake Monster.

Sure. But not with your penis. 'Cause you said so.

You said that's not with your penis, so that's okay.

Abso-fucking-lutely not! I have a puppet.

This puppet! - Oh, look at that!

When I puppet that, I become the monster.

How's this puppet work? You flute it?

Do you... - Is that a butt plug?

Oh... yeah.

Don't get that dirty.

That's going in my anus in a moment.

- So it is a butt plug? - Yes!

You go into the water, plug this in your butt--

But I don't enjoy it!

See, it's not a problem.

We're not here to tell you any of this is a problem.

Better Business Board gave you an award, dude.

The most popular attraction in Washoe County.

Oh, my God!

This has my name. - Yeah.

- And no mugshot! - Yeah.

Okay, here we go. One, two...

...three-- No! - Three!

Uh, okay, everyone, my name is Dr. Fry,

and I'm gonna administer your state-mandated

five-year physical fitness test for the department.

We're just gonna have you run 1.5 miles,

we'll just time that, make sure that you're in the range.

Then we'll go into some push-ups and sit-ups.

Then we're just gonna do some hanging pull-ups.

I'm sure you've all experienced those,

probably do those in your morning routines.

And then we'll take a little bit of a cooldown

and then jump back into another five-minute timed run,

just to see where we are.

That sounds like you have a lot of stuff in store for us.

This might need something out of your bag,

maybe a list of all the things we're gonna do?

So let me get the-- Oh! Whoops! I'm sorry.

That's not mine! That's not mine!

What is all this stuff? Look at all this crazy mess!

What-- Is this oxycodone?

They're not mine!

- Uh-oh, underage boys. -What?

Child pornography.

If that was mine, I wouldn't label them individually.

What is this? A gun?

Isn't that, that gun from Karpinski case?

-Wow! -And it was in his bag.

Hmm.

I... Yeah, all right.

Yeah, you all look good. You all pass.

Great job. - Great.

See you in five years.

- Thank you, Doctor. -Good work, Rizzo.

Took my lunch out of there.

The Reno Sheriff's Department

would like to welcome you to our beautiful city,

and ask that you help us keep it that way by pitching in.

Did you know that the average tourist in Reno

generates eight pounds of garbage in a single day?

That's the size of an average human baby.

Now just imagine, all those eight-pound garbage babies

ending up on our streets and sidewalks.

Imagine an obstacle course of hypodermic needles

and empty malt liquor bottles.

Add to that, an occasional puddle of lube.

That, my friends, is one heck of a garbage baby.

And it is a slip-and-fall attorney's wet dream.

And just a reminder,

littering in Reno is not a nuisance...

...it's also a crime!

And if we see you, we will lock you up.

And trust me...

...you think our streets are dirty?

Wait until you meet some of the garbage babies

we have in our holding cell.

Because as we's like to say...

Littering is trashy!

And not in a good way.

That is a massacre right there.

I know.

Who did it?

I just had to tape off my desk

because it's a mother crime scene.

-What? - Who took it?

Who took what?

Who took my Mike Pence challenge coin?

Someone took your Mike Pence challenge coin?

I'm sorry, but I would like everybody

to just save the dithering...

-Hey, hey, hey! - Hey, we're friends.

We've all got guns, Jim.

We've all got guns, I'm aware, mine's out.

Circle up. Arm to shoulder, shoulder to arm.

Can I suggest one thing?

Let's look into each other's eyes.

- That's a good idea. - My name is Trudy Weigel.

And I did not take that coin.

Tell-tale sign.

She's blinking like a--

If I had stolen this coin,

do you think I would have it here

or do you think I might have it at home,

in my jewelry box, on my dressing--

Uh-uh, I'm sorry, Kimball, you gotta check her cheeks.

I know Trudy. Squat down so you can't be holding it.

- No, don't-- - Cough. And cough at me.

Let some air out.

Jim, I did not take that coin.

- Stand up! Okay. -Oh, stop that.

I'll tell you guys, if you took the coin,

put it on my desk by midnight...

or I'll kill you all.

I don't know if the people over there heard

but he said, "Or I'll kill you all."

Check, check. Operation Tortoise and the Hare.

So we have had...

a really disgusting new trend in Nevada.

- Yeah. Yeah. - Which is people...

buying turtles to eat.

I don't know if you saw the video...

- No, don't. - I don't wanna plug the video.

Don't google "Nevada turtle eater."

Shit! Turtle dealer.

Hey. Oh, wow!

They smell interesting.

- This is a rare kabuki... - Yeah.

...from Jeju-do Island.

- Chejasho. - Jeju-do Island.

You only find the green kabuki there.

It's a honeymoon...

You take one turtle--

You eat the turtle and make it... Boom!

You eat the turtle, and it makes you

strong and steady, win the race.

You know? Not like a fast, dumb bunny.

So let me get this straight.

You're selling us these turtles to eat.

Is that correct?

- Why don't you try the goods? - Why don't you try it?

Why don't-- - Johnny's gonna try the goods.

Let me-- I'll just feel one. That's a turtle.

Are they worth all the money that we're paying

to have turtles to eat here in Nevada?

Don't be a pussy, take a bite!

- I don't fucking care. Watch! - Take them home and fry them.

Watch, I don't fucking care! Watch!

Ooh!

Here's what's weird.

- It's kinda good. - They're very good.

Look, if you were to take this and wrap it up in tin foil

and grill it in butter.

Are you supposed to eat the shells?

Because the shell is very painful when you chew.

- It cut. - You chew, you chew.

It's raw and it makes you very virile inside.

And stamina.

The kabuki makes us have a boner.

- I'm getting one. Yeah. - Yeah, it does weirdly--

That does feel... - Okay.

Ohh!

God damn it, their shell is really hard.

I wore the wrong pants.

Thank you so much for the transaction.

It was a pleasure doing business with you.

- Here's your money. - Pleasure doing business.

- Fish and Wildlife! Hands up! - Oh, shit!

You're violating Endangered Species Act.

Let's go, fuckfaces!

Reno Sheriff's Department. We're doing a sting.

- Where the fuck are you from? - We always do our stings here!

We do stings here all the time.

We're always doing stings here.

We're just busting a lot of pedophiles here.

We're doing this, and then we're doing--

A guy's gonna come here... yeah.

Pedophile, pedophile, pedophile,

quick turtle break, two more pedophiles.

Honestly, this is kind of the fun part of our day.

And, actually, after you get past the shell stuff,

they tasted kinda good.

So my mom and I have been getting along very well lately.

I try and come visit her every Thursday if I can

because that was her favorite day of the week.

Her favorite color is burnt sienna.

But I keep telling her that's not a real color.

But she's hard to argue with.

Hey, baby. I'm sorry I'm late.

Jason played his game, which was great.

He went two-for-four. And he hit a double and he said,

"That's one's for Mom." -[sighs] Oh!

Hi. - Hi.

How are you?

Yeah. You know.

Who are you visiting?

Oh, um...

That's my mom.

- I'm sorry. - Me, too. So sad.

She just died in '98, so... That was sad.

'98, that's some time ago.

And you still come? That's beautiful.

- Every day. - It was nice talking to you.

Me, too. She was so...

tall.

You wanna, um... - Talk to my wife? Yes.

Real quick, and then we'll catch up.

So I'll just give you a second. - I don't need to catch up.

And, um, Joey, he hit a double,

and he got to second base, he looked up--

I'm sorry, are you talking to me?

I'm talking to my wife. I'm talking to my wife.

Oh, God, I do that all the time.

So, I won't disturb you, I'll let you...

I'll let you talk to her. - Thank you.

- You're very welcome. - Family is so important.

I think we should probably both do that.

Here's something that's great

that probably is gonna make you feel so much better.

Okay.

Do you see that grave right there next to my mom?

Mmm-hmm.

That's this guy. So, good news!

One of these days

me and your wife are gonna be besties.

That almost makes us sisters, in a weird way.

Like soul sisters.

And sometimes guys fall in love

with one sister and they're like,

"Wait a second, I fell in love with the wrong sister."

It just happens sometimes, I don't know.

I read books about all kinds of different things.

It was so not nice meeting you.

I love you, honey.

You can call 911 if you would like to get a hold of me.

I won't!

But seriously, please don't haunt me.

My mom's a real cunt, by the way.

So good luck with her.

Uh, Cindy, I'm getting-- Oh, this is awkward.

There's a box coming. There's gonna be a box...

- Okay. - And I use a funny--

It's a funny name.

Is "box" another word for... something else?

Can you tell I'm wearing a diaper these days?

They're cheaper if you get a bunch of them.

It's a very, very big box. But it won't be heavy.

Don't put another PA 'cause it's--

I'm gonna make a--

But you can't tell at all, right?

Officer Dangle, your diapers have arrived.

Officer Dangle, your diapers have arrived.

Damn it! Fuck it!

You gotta be a little bit ahead of the curve around here.

I think a little late on that one.

Clemmie, you wanna get this set up?

The camera's turned off.

Yeah, uh, so, this year, we can't go to Burning Man

'cause it's not happening in person,

and, you know, blend in undercover

to catch people doing illicit activities.

So we're going undercover on-- "Virtually."

Is that how they say it? - Sure.

We're only looking for drugs.

- Oh! People are showing up. - Oh, okay.

Hello, ladies.

-Hey! - Hey, Burner.

You're having a good Burning Man?

- Yeah, I'm super stoned. - It's so enlightening.

I really wish I could be there riding a bike

naked from the waist down.

Speaking of LSD...

- Yeah, speaking of. - What about it?

- Speak, speak! -You guys interested?

I'm open for business.

- Yes. - Fantastic!

How much for those drugs?

And should we Venmo you? Or how do we do this?

I love drugs.

Why don't you come to my place?

I'm here right now. - Great.

I'm in Tallahassee, Florida.

Oh, wow!

- That's really far. - That's really far.

Can we mute you for just a second?

We all need to fart.

- I don't have to. - Here's the thing.

She's just lying.

Here's what we're gonna do...

- Oh! -Hello!

I'm Milosh, the snake man.

Hi, Milosh.

I got tattooed on the whites of my eyeballs.

- Yeah. -Oh, y eah. Yeah.

- That's a good idea. -You guys wanna see

my... my penis?

Uh, I do if it's in Washoe County.

Check out this part, I call it Cyclops.

- - Okay! Okay.

- How did you get that in there? -Uh, it's easy.

You put one glass eyeball in,

you turn around, you go "Cyclops!"

- Hey, that's very clever. - That's good, that's festive.

The best thing for me is while I am a supplier,

I'm drug-free for the last 35 years.

- Okay, bye. - Thank you.

Good morning, Reno.

I'm Deputy Travis Jr. from the Reno Sheriff's Department.

When I think bass-- Back. Back, when I think back.

Go again, go again. -Action!

Good morning, Reno. I'm Deputy Travis Jr.

from the Reno-- -Cut.

Good morning, Reno. Shit!

-Rolling. - Sorry.

Washoe County-- Fuck it! Fuck!

Good morning, Reno. I'm not-- What?

My name's not Mark, fuckhead. -Place marker.

"Mark." Say "stand on the tape."

Action!

Good morning, Deputy Junior-- Fuck it!

Fuck! - Okay. You're done. Let's go.

We're still rolling, right? We're good?

-And action! - Oh!

I didn't see you there. Hi!

I'm Deputy Jones from the Reno Sheriff's Department.

Good morning. And when I eat ass-- Fuck!

Hey, pretty ladies, I'm Dreamcatcher.

-Hey, Dreamcatcher. - Hey, catch.

- I like your chaps. -Thanks very much.

You guys wanna see my dick for a little while?

- Yes. -Here we go.

Do you have any drugs you could put on your dick?

Are those googly eyes that you put on the end of your penis?

Well, it's painted. I painted it for the Burn.

This is actually-- I've painted it

as a representation of my spirit animal.

- What's your spirit animal? -It's a panda bear.

Can you tell? - I thought it was a gopher.

No, if you look at my balls, you can tell.

No, it's totally a panda.

You know, I feel like

we gotta bring the spirit of the Burn.

- Totally. - A hundred percent.

I can't wait to watch an adult human person burn on fire.

Oh, that's-- Wow...

That's so not the spirit of the Burn, but...

You guys want to do some drugs and have them?

- Oh, yeah! - I would love to do some drugs.

- That we pay for. - And have them.

What are you guys looking for?

- Um... - I love to toke on weed.

-That's fully legal-- - Totally legal.

- Oh, here. Hi. -Hey!

- Hi, I'm Trudy-- -What's up, girls?

Ooh! Look at you!

Fabulous!

Look, I'm a... I look like a butterfly.

But I'm not, I'm just really a person.

You're just a person that looks like one!

- Burning Man! -Burning Man!

Burning Man! So what's going on?

- Are you burning? -Wait, what?

Are you burning some drugs on a spoon?

Your computer's old as fuck! I can't--

Hold on, one second.

These people are-- I can't take these people anymore.

Look, before we get started.

I've been wasting my fucking time with people.

I'm in Reno, Nevada,

and I'm looking to get some drugs.

Normally I work in a police department,

and I can just go in the evidence room

and I can get myself some weed.

- Declan? - And everybody-- What?

Is that you, Declan?

- Declan? - What the fuck?

God damn it! - Listen, this stays between us.

- You wanna see my dick? - No!

- No, thank you. - All right, I'm gone.

- Lieutenant? - Yes.

- Lieutenant Cutie Pie? - Yeah?

I did something bad but I wanna confess.

Mmm-hmm.

I took your coin... on your desk.

But I'm putting it back. Your Pencey coin.

I'm bringing it back, okay?

Okay. That's it. - Bye.

Thank you. - Okay. You know what?

I feel good about that. I told you the truth.

Cindy?

Cindy! Come back! - What?

You don't realize, Cindy!

- I said I'm sorry. - You did it!

You did it! - I did it but I--

No, Cindy, you're the one.

You passed the test.

I had 11 of these coins made.

Everybody fucking stole one.

You're the only one who brought it back.

It's yours.

It's all yours.

All of it. - What? "All" what?

- These are yours now. - Oh, honey, I didn't know you--

Wait, no, you don't understand.

- Uh-uh. - This is just symbolic.

These are yours now. - Your shorts?

You're me. You get to be me now.

And no one deserves it except for you.

- Okay. - It's yours.

- How much does it pay? - My job?

Yeah.

The richest pageantry of a life.

- Yeah, how much, in dollars? - $19,500... [stutters] a year.

- A year? - Yeah.

Let's put these back on.

We need you to put it back on right now.