Original subtitles

Okay, so tell me a little bit about yourself.

What are your fitness goals?

Uh... I'm not your average guy my age.

I'm in pretty good shape.

I lost about 40 pounds just by not supersizing my meals,

and just looking to take it to the next level.

Well, I am excited.

Yeah, don't take it easy on me.

- I won't. - I don't know

if you probably deal with a lot of, you know...

- Yes, martial artists and-- - No, I meant losers.

All right, so let's just go ahead

and reach for the sky. - Yeah, okay.

Breathe in peace...

and gratitude.

And bring our arms down and do some lateral...

Are you okay?

Okay, all right, breathe through it.

Are you...

Hey, Jamie. I should call an EMT.

- No, no, I'm good. - No--

- Don't you dare fucking call. - I have a silver...

- I just need you... Whoa! - Look!

- Sir... No. I just... - I will not work a desk job.

You lose your fucking mind doing that shit!

Oh, my God.

-Good morning, my gang. -Good morning.

Morning.

We're all grown-ups.

I feel like I don't have to tell you this.

But everybody's feelings got hurt.

If you bring a valentine in for one person on the squad,

what do you do?

- Give it to him privately? -No.

Bring one for everyone.

What the fuck is wrong with you?

Bring a valentine for everyone if you're doing them at all.

It breeds mediocrity.

If I leave someone out, it makes them think... "Huh?"

It challenges them to be a better person.

That's like a participation trophy.

Like, "Oh, I love somebody.

Now I have to love everybody. Everybody wins."

You do have to love... Have you not?

Does no one ever look at the bins?

- No. -No.

You know what? I will take...

I will take responsibility for this.

I felt bad because some people, not me obviously,

but some people don't have as many admirers

as some of us do, so some people...

Don't do that with your hands. It's so sad.

...so some people don't get as many valentines

and maybe their feelings are hurt,

and I didn't want them to feel bad.

Are you shrinking?

Why are you short in that chair? - Yeah.

- My... -What happened?

Hey, guys? Trude, your earmuffs for a second.

- My muffs? - Earmuffs.

Throw them on. -Earmuffs.

Did you not get to see her bone density report?

- Yeah. - It's bad.

Why do we get that sent to us?

Her calcium is depleting.

No, no, no, way beyond that.

- What? - It's a science experiment.

Jim, it's very scary in here. Can I...

- Come on out, come on out. -Come on out.

- Everything's great. -Okay.

Well, it is a dark day here in the Silver State.

Uh, the snowtards, the Bernie Bros,

the AOCs have won.

Congrats, Antifa,

all of our militarized gear has to get thrown out.

A lot of the tools, uh, like...

Here's a beauty.

That's a genital taser, this has to go.

You hear that sound?

You can still smell protester genitals right on that.

Kimball, watch out. - What?

- Hot. Hot. - Get in line, everyone

- Look alive! - Look alive!

- Hey, Kimball. - No, no, no.

- You guys are all... -Fuck!

Fuck! Ow!

-Trudy? - Yeah.

Why do you have a grenade? Give me the grenade.

- Why do you have a grenade? - It's a paperweight.

This is my paperweight. - No! No, no!

You're not supposed to have these.

Give me the grenade. -Trudy.

- Trudy... -Wiegel?

Give her the... Don't, don't!

Here, you take this. Ready? Take that.

You want it? You want this? - You want this?

- You want this? I do want that. - Yes, he does.

- We want that. - I'll trade you this for that.

- Okay. - But I'm also gonna...

- It's not that bad! - That's not what I wanted.

That's why it shouldn't be illegal

because it's not even that bad.

It's not that bad, it's not that bad. Ready?

Yeah. Lightly.

It's not that bad.

- Can I do you? - No, you can't do me.

- Oh, dear. Oh, there she is. -Oh, Betsy.

-Aww! -Oh, look at old Betsy.

- Hands on hard lock. - Oh, she's a good girl.

Guess what, AOC? We're gonna say a Christian prayer.

- How about that? - How about that?

- Merry Christmas. - Suck it, AOC.

- Suck our dick. - Suck my dick.

Suck our Christian dicks.

Hey, guys. Should we do it?

- Let's go. - Let's give her a send-off.

- Let's do it. - Let's get Woody. Shoot Woody.

We dressed up Woody to look like ISIS.

Go, Woody!

-Whoo! - Fire in the hole!

- Farts! - Sorry.

Toilet's working.

- Yeah. - Dude.

Dude. - Yeah.

He only wants to talk to you. - Oh, fuck!

Really? - Yeah.

- Hey. - Good luck.

Hello. Can I help you?

Greetings. I'm a time traveler.

What year is this?

They told me in training, I wouldn't be believed.

2021.

And that swimsuit's very out of fashion, so, see ya.

- 2021. Then I'm not too late. - For what?

I need to be released immediately.

I need to implant an equation and save the world.

- Right? - Jim Dangle.

I need to be released.

How did you know my name?

I can access all the information about you

from my data networks. - Bullshit!

You drive a red Miata.

There's a license plate, I think it's called,

and on it, it says, "Fossi."

- "Fosse." - "Fosse."

Tribute to Bob Fosse.

That's a crank call.

How would I know that if I wasn't from the future?

Hello. Yeah, I will write it down. Yes.

H-A-Y... Haywood.

"Hey, would you blow me?" Fuck you! Stop calling here.

Fuck! How did you know that?

I know everything, I'm from the future!

- Who's the president? - There is no president anymore.

It doesn't work that way. - Shit!

It's a neural network.

That also makes sense. God damn it!

Think, Jim, think.

Tell me one other thing, Future-man.

Tell me something else about me that nobody else knows.

You had chicken last night for dinner.

Pan-roasted chicken. - From Pagan Chicken.

There was tablescaping. You love tablescaping.

I love tablescaping.

Sir, please. Jim.

Go... my friend.

Thank you. - Yes.

Future generations will thank you.

I thank you.

I will need the car keys, please.

Yes, of course. Go, go, go.

And some cash, please. I will need cash.

And the shoes.

Does the nexus say when I die?

Yes, but I can't tell you

because it would create a time paradox.

- Oh, of course, of course. - Yeah.

You're gonna need those for sure.

Wait. - One for the chamber.

Yep. Yeah. Go! - Thank you.

You're gonna be a hero to generations.

Guys...

- Wait. - Where's Cutter?

They may never know that we saved the future.

The fuck are you talking about?

- Shit! Oh, shit! Oh, shit! -Where is he?

He just escaped from the work farm.

That was in the toilet... - Shit!

Would you kids stop calling?

Hey, Would-you-blow-me. Hilarious!

They've been doing that all day. - You left your Myspace up.

- Oh, shit, is my Myspace up? - Yeah.

Oh, does it have all my dinners and stuff?

- Yeah, it's got your... - Yeah.

Oh, shit! He just escaped from... We gotta...

I'll go see if I can... - No, he's armed. Careful!

You're still friends with Tila Tequila?

All right, so today I'm doing some undercover work.

We got a lot of hillbilly heroin here in the Washoe area,

so what I'm gonna try to do

is get a doctor to try to prescribe me some

and catch it on secret hidden camera.

Hello.

- Hey. Hey, Doc. - Hi, how're you doin'?

So, what brings you to the office?

Well, I had... A friend recommended you.

Oh, good. Good, good.

So you've been having a little...

- Ow! Ow! - A little pain?

None of that should have hurt. - No, it did.

I'm in pain all over. That's why I'm here.

Okay.

Because of... chronic pain issues.

And, uh-- - I tell you what.

Then let's go ahead and get you undressed.

No, I can just... I mean, I'm just telling you.

One of us went to school, to be a doctor,

and the other is just guessing about his pain.

Now, I know they took your blood pressure.

The nurse did when you came in. - They did, they did.

I wanna do a penile blood pressure

if you'll just pop up here real quick.

You're gonna feel a little pressure at first

and then your pressure's gonna just gently...

- Okay. Oh, okay. - There you go.

- Okay. - Look at that penile pressure.

What am I looking for here? Ow! Okay! Ow!

Now, when are you mostly feeling these problems?

All the time. So if you could...

If you could hook me up. 'Cause I'm, all the time...

I will definitely hook you up, but first,

let's take a lookie-sue insidey-sue.

You're gonna feel a little pressure.

Just push against me. - Okay.

Pushing... Okay. I will. - Here we go.

Oh, I will. - And there you go!

No, no, don't worry about that. I got that.

Don't worry. Going up.

A little bit more. A little more.

A little... There you go. Take...

- What are you looking for? - Take a look at...

Oh, wow, that's--

Take a look at your inner child.

- Oh, God! - And out!

Well, I'd check out... And I'm in...

Now I'm really hurting,

and so I was wondering if you could hook me up.

- I will definitely hook you up. - All right.

- I'm gonna need a urine sample. - All right.

Hold on, hold on, please. And a semen.

And then if you could pop some fecal in there.

And where do you want me to...

Oh, just around the corner, there's a privacy corner there.

Don't even worry about going in to the restroom.

- This is just a corner. - Yep, privacy corner.

You have any different magazines?

No, all I have is those auto-racing magazines.

That gets me going.

I was making love to my wife two nights ago.

-Yeah. Hey, Doc? - I was reading... Yeah.

Give me... Let's have a moment of silence here.

All right. It's a good story.

"Alas, poor Yorick.

I knew him, Horatio."

I was Hamlet... in a porno.

I was Hamlet, many years ago.

And this is a great fellow we got.

There we go. There we go, there we go.

Stay.

So, this is Officer Woody,

and he's been a great new addition to the force.

Um... unlike the rest of the officers,

he never gets suspended without pay

for discharging a weapon.

And having him here

out on this road, oh, jeez, uh...

Crimes drop quite a bit. I mean, you know,

all of the deputies have strengths.

Uh, Travis is "brute force."

Uh... Trudy is "hiding in plain sight."

Uh, Jones is sort of "kompromat" and things like that. Uh... oh!

Williams is very good at TikTok. In fact, she has one...

And I don't know if she knows this guy

or if she knows this...

Or if it's even like a little person,

or it's a puppet.

It's "Raineesha" spelled the classic way.

She has on her TikTok...

Woody had the keys. Woody had the keys.

Long story short, I called my brother

in the middle of our love making session...

You know, I could use a little silence

while I shit in this cup,

to be honest with you. - Oh, all right.

There's a song that I used to poop to when I was young.

♪ There it come, there it comes Down the hole ♪

♪ Poop, as good as gold ♪

Poop song did the trick.

- ♪ Poop, as good as gold ♪ - There you go. Thank you.

As clean as a whistle as you were earlier.

I am surprised I didn't see that little nugget up in there.

These are urethral stimulators.

Urethral?

Imagine your penis is a hole in the moist dirt,

and this is an earthworm.

I am gonna start with the small one, naturally.

We're gonna see if we can work up to this guy.

- Look at me. - Yeah, I'm looking at you.

- I'm your friend. - Yeah, I'm looking...

No, no, no!

Hurts and giving me a boner again.

That's exactly what we're really looking for.

Okay, okay.

What do you think, Doc?

I'm in bad shape, huh?

I think you are doing...

Look at me, please. - Yeah.

Fantastic.

It was a real pleasure meeting you.

- Thank you. Thank you, Doc. - Absolutely.

Hey! - Hi, Doctor.

- How are doing, buddy? Yeah. - Good, good.

- You see that guy go by? - Yeah.

Yeah, he was a cop.

So how many pounds of this medication

should I write for you this week?

You know, you gotta make it seven.

Seven-pounder.

It's been a tough week. Yeah!

Defund the police.

Yeah. Take this, you pig.

Oh, no! These stains will never come out.

Are you tired of old-fashioned uniforms

that are no match for tough, hard-to-get-out stains?

Then why not switch to...

Policetek's new no fuss, non-stick police uniforms.

It stands up to a paint, eggs, tagging, human feces.

Even those tough to get out tear gas and pepper spray odors

just wipe away like magic.

Hmm! Lemony fresh.

And the best thing about it,

they come right off.

Say, you haven't seen any cops around here, have you?

Don't look at me, I'm a pastry chef.

And I'm a zookeeper.

And I'm one of you Antifa guys.

Let's go smash the system!

New anti-fuss non-stick police uniforms.

Gets you out of a messy situation.

- Eh! - Wow.

That looks like a fraternity to me.

He's got, like, a bra on his head

and all those beer cups behind him.

Yeah, he's being pledged.

So we have... good news and mixed news.

I don't know how it's not just bad.

We have... We found Woody.

They're taking Officer Woody

on, kind of, like, a whirlwind tour of Nevada,

and they're posting it, and it's getting all kinds of...

- Popular. - ...derogatory comments

and likes and-- - Oh, that's a spoof.

That's a spoof.

He's supposed to be Liam Neeson, see?

-Oh! - He's taken.

That's actually clever, these guys.

- That's clever. Fuck it! - Yeah.

- Damn it! Who thought of that? - Look at all this...

- Lake Tahoe. - There you go.

That's Emerald Bay right there.

That's Portland. Look, there's a building behind there

that's been burnt down. That was on the news.

- So he's not going east. - No, he's going up.

You think he's trying to get over the border?

He's got free health care.

Yeah, he's gonna be more healthy.

He's not gonna wanna come back.

Do you guys feel like when Red's still in the prison

and Andy's gone off to Zihuatanejo a little bit?

- Yeah. - Yeah.

Yeah, he's out living his life.

And we're kind of Red, you know what I mean?

Yeah.

In a way, he's living his best life.

Right. As opposed to being out there on the...

on the freeway.

Yeah. I mean, it's tough to see him 'cause we...

He was ours for so long. And then you have...

- There he is... - He's out in the world.

...taking it up the ass from the Hamburglar.

- Is it multiples? Son of a gun! - Yeah.

- Not a pretty one. Yeah. -Oh, no, no, no! No!

- Not good. - A real shit show in here, Jim.

19. There's two upstairs. One in the bathroom.

- Oh, jeez Louise! - Yeah.

Some kind of massacre.

- Did we check for shots? -No.

- No, there's no shell casings. - So that means,

everybody was a perfect shot. - Yeah.

When did this become a thing?

- Listen... -A gender reveal?

Yeah.

I always thought you were revealing

your gender as an adult.

That's something different.

That's what I thought it was.

That's called exposure.

This guys falls... Hang on, hang on.

Uncle Carl, come downstairs.

Hey... Oh, Uncle Carl. Wait, wait. Yeah.

Oh, remember when I won Normandy?

No, Uncle Carl, monkey roll, monkey roll.

Oh, Uncle Carl!

"None of you are in the will. Fuck you!"

- What? - Mass suicide.

No way!

- These are, by the way-- - What are you eating?

You're not the father of this baby.

Before I tell the gender of the baby,

I'm gonna reveal...

- Uncle Carl's the father. - Uncle Carl's the father.

- Uncle Carl, you're the dad. - Uncle Carl's the father.

Perfect shot. - And the uncle.

- Ooh, these cupcakes are good. - They're unbelievable.

Hear me out. - Getting the pretzel sticks?

The pretzel sticks are incredible.

- Are they? -Fucking incredible!

- I haven't had those yet. -I got one.

Come for a gender reveal.

Stay for a...

- Murder. - Murder.

-That's what happened. - Yeah.

- This gender reveal... -Mmm-hmm.

...had every one of 'em fucking horny as fuck.

And they're like, "What?" -Yeah.

- "Wait a minute. - Fuck!

"Let's get this baby turning me on."

Oh, autoerotic asphyxiation.

- Let's... let's, yeah... - Orgy. Orgy.

Let's erotically hurt each other.

- We're all choking. We're all-- - Choking.

- And then-- - And that accounts for--

Does that happen at gender reveal parties?

I've never been invited to one.

I mean, the weird thing about that though,

when you do, if you are blacking out when you come...

Why am I high-fiving that?

There we had an Aunt Dorothy. Dorothy comes down the stairs--

- Come down the stairs-- -Oh, hi, Aunt Dorothy.

"Hello, I'm Dorothy.

I've been your aunt forever.

I'm not your Aunt Dorothy. -

- I'm your Uncle Carl forever." -That's the reveal.

Murder! Murder! Murder!

- That ain't from town. - Oh, that's rich.

- That's from Vegas or... - Hmm... That's rich.

- That's rich. - That's an import.

- Oh, God, that's-- - I got it, I got it.

- Yes, sir. - I didn't have anything.

Calling Officer Jones.

Oh! Come in.

Yeah, the lab results came back.

They all died of food poisoning.

Okay, we're... We're on it.

Ooh...

- Jesus Fucking Christ! - Where are you going?

This doesn't count as one of my sessions!

Welcome to Reno. We're glad you're here.

Reno is more than just above average nickel slots

and yard-long souvenir cup rum drinks.

We've got incredible natural attractions as well.

And I'd like to talk to you

about something just as incredible.

- Conserving energy. - Conserving energy.

Now, while no one really knows what "conserving energy" means,

we do know that when you leave a room,

you should turn off your lights.

Why? No one knows.

But we are obligated to remind you

by the State of Nevada's Tourism Board.

That's right. We're also obligated

to suggest you reuse your hotel towels

while you're visiting Reno,

up to a week if possible.

So, please... while you're here in Reno,

do us a favor and...

- Get turned on... - Get turned on

by turning it off. - ...by turning it off.

Because...

Trudy?

Weigel, what are you doing in here?

Um...

I'm just fishing.

Look at this guy I found.

Oh! Put it down!

♪ Chicken fried Ricky Chicken fried Ricky ♪

♪ I go, "Yum, yum!" ♪

♪ Chicken fried Ricky Chicken fried Ricky... ♪

No, that's not...

Pictures in a book, it's pictures in a book.

Just pictures in a book.