Original subtitles

How are you doing today?

What? I'm good.

- You're good? I'm great. - Yeah.

Yeah. I'm just hanging out.

- Hanging out by the mailbox. - Yeah.

- Big mailbox fan. - I love-- Yeah.

Could you put your hands on the box, please?

- Right now? - Yeah.

Oh! What have you got there?

All right, these are just-- I was just, you know--

Hand 'em over. Illegal in Washoe County.

For the future,

these won't even dent this thing.

Yeah.

I mean, that's why I put way more in there,

that's what these were all--

Fuck!

Shit! Fuck!

Oh, my God!

-Good morning, gang. -Good morning.

Not so great news. Um...

All of the Pagan Chickens are closing, did people know that?

All of them?

Yeah. They literally just put out a press release,

they said, please do not pray for them.

They don't want your thoughts, they don't want your prayers.

I mean, I guess they said

if you wanna celebrate their closing,

you know, bring a wicker item or something.

Thanks to my Secret Santa,

I've now got a gift card that's useless.

- Shit! That is true. Um-- -That is a shame.

Do they know what's gonna be put up there now?

Or what that's gonna be? Yeah. - At the main one?

There was that place that does CBD and guns.

Have you seen these guys? - Yeah.

I got a neighbor who's trying to open up

one of those somersault places.

I'll let him know there's gonna be properties available.

What about that pigfoot spot?

The pigfoot spot's doing great.

I would do pigfeet for lunch today.

- It's-- - How many do you get?

Oh, I mean, you get a whole yard-full.

Thank you for letting me come in late.

That guy's been--

Supposed to meet me to buy my lawnmower for too--

- You get a yard of pigfeet? -Yeah, mmm-hmm.

- That's how they line them up? -Yeah.

- Travis? - They have a thing where you--

Did I miss something?

Yeah, there's-- The Pagan Chicken's closing.

Yeah, the Pagan Chicken's down.

The pigfoot place is doing really well.

No, the pigfoot place is great.

But... What's the joke?

Oh! Did you not-- You didn't get the memo?

Where do we get memos?

Okay, okay. In your fucking bin!

Literally lean on your ass, which is warm

all day, everyday. We gotta do the--

So, after, especially, last year,

which was not our best year.

-Not our fault. - Bad interactions.

I had a pretty good year, considering--

The City Council wants us to look friendlier,

and this was--

It's fucking mandatory. Just wear the hats.

We're supposed to be a friendlier face...

Yeah. Mmm-hmm.

...to the city of Reno. So--

Look, I pull you over, I come up in this.

You're gonna smile. - I'm way less--

-You're gonna smile. - I actually think--

As stupid as it is, they have a pretty good point.

It is disarming.

It kinda breaks out the-- -Yeah, you look good.

- Yeah. - You pull it off.

- All right. - These are mandatory?

Mandatory.

Forty hours a week, we gotta wear this thing?

No, you only have to wear it

when you're clocked in and on duty.

Hey, Junior--

Or traveling to and from the station.

I forgot to clock in.

I'll see you guys for lunch. -No.

- Pig place? - They got pigfoot by the yard.

He definitely bought it. He bought it, he's gonna do it.

He's gonna fucking wear it all day.

...wear that all day.

Let's get some footage of him.

We'll put that like the Benny Hill music.

-Fuckin' A! - He's a fucking-- I'm sorry.

He saved my life a couple of times, but fuck that guy.

Fuck that guy.

We've had a problem with our department,

and that is bike theft.

Dangle gets his bike stolen all the time.

So, I got him this repugnant bike,

and he loves it.

They've combined the two things that you love most in life,

or at least that Dangle does.

Exercise, and laying down.

- Yes! - Oh! Look at him.

I'm gonna slalom it, watch--

Sorry. - Okay.

Yes!

- I did that. Sorry. I'm okay. - So badass!

Look at that.

And, just like me,

it never backpedals. It has no reverse.

You can leave this bike literally anywhere,

and no one will touch it.

Safe as houses. It's amazing.

I don't carry-- There's no lock. I don't carry a lock anymore.

Seven days in. Untouched.

We're gonna go give bone marrow over at the Armenian salon.

-Mmm-hmm. - Uh-- Dollars to donuts,

no one's gonna fuck with the bike.

We'll watch. Leave it.

Every time we give bone marrow, I feel lighter.

I mean, it's like I feel like I got a colonic.

Still here. See!

♪ Nobody messes with repugnant bike ♪

I'm gonna watch you go away.

- ♪ Nobody-- ♪ - 'Cause I just love it.

- Someone-- That's shit. - Dangle!

Somebody shit on my repugnant bike.

Doin' it, and then what we do...

When you come in usually, you slam on the brakes!

Junior Deputy Day!

Reporting for duty! Sound off! Jim.

Travis.

- Say your goddamn name-- - Say your goddamn name--

Junior Deputy, sound off! Jim!

- Travis! - Oliver!

Very good. Next time, just do it on the first time.

- Yeah, you should work on that. - Thanks, okay.

So, you know, uh, we take the Junior Deputies out,

we do... just the fun stuff.

- Firearm safety. - Firearm stuff.

You're getting pretty good with a gun, right?

Is my safety on or off?

- Off. - Shit.

Don't be a smartass.

So, we take 'em out, we do fun stuff,

and we have-- The weird thing is we've had--

Uh, because of climate change, which is a...

- Myth. - Thank you.

The bears have been moving in closer and closer to town,

so we've been putting out traps.

We set the bear traps all over here,

Bears have been terrorizing this neighborhood.

♪ ...with the Junior Deputies ♪

- Oh! Six o'clock. -Where?

- Six o'clock. -At six o'clock?

Oh, shit. Shit. -Your six o'clock.

That's a human head. We got a human head.

- -Hey!

Oh, Jackie! Jesus!

I was hoping you guys were gonna come because, listen...

Uh-- Okay.

- Something very bad happened. - What happened?

We couldn't ask you a couple of questions

about a human head in a bear trap?

There's a head in the trap.

So, here is what happened.

I'll tell you exactly what happened.

There's some poor fucker...

Is this on? Is this on?

I think it is. Some poor fucker--

- It's switched off. - Goddamn it!

- There you go, it's on. - I gotta get a new one.

No, it's working. Look, the light's on now.

Oliver, Junior Deputy, let me explain.

Jackie does crack cocaine, and she lives here.

She's like a--

I live here in the summertime

'cause it gets way too hot up on that hill.

Yeah, her winter place inside the bigger dumpster.

- It's being remodeled. - Shit, we got more parts.

So, the head is there.

- So, this is kinda fun. - Come here.

You should see this, kid. - This is kinda fun.

This is like the game "Clue",

where you gotta kinda put together the evidence--

-Jackie. How-- - Yep.

How-- I wish you weren't seeing this, Junior Deputies,

but, how, if the head ended up there,

why is there a leg over here?

Here's a better question.

How come his balls are in this bag?

Riddle me that.

Jackie, that's an amazing question.

There's gonna be good days on the Junior Deputy squad,

and then there's days, there's other days.

I'm gonna get our prints off this stuff.

Let's get the prints off of this.

This is a good thing to learn.

There you go. There you go.

And you put it right there.

Nobody touched that.

Bye, you guys. Next time you come

I'll have the swimming pool all filled up, probably.

So, where were we never?

- There. - There. Exactly right.

We were never there. - Right!

Hello.

Or should I say Bonjourno!

Hej! Or Kamusta!

It may sound as if I've just had a stroke.

But if you're Corsican, Danish or Filipino,

you know that I was just saying, "Hello!"

Visiting Reno can be difficult,

if you don't speak the language.

So, the tourism board has come up

with a phrase translation app

to help make your stay a little easier.

Simply select on the flag icon from your native country,

and the app with translate over 50 phrases

that you will more than likely need

on your trip here to Reno.

"What time does the gift shop open

at the Bowling Hall of Fame?"

"Help! My sister has gone missing."

"This isn't cocaine, Officer.

It's just a baggy full of foot powder."

"I found a foot in my hotel room."

"I think this prostitute overcharged me."

In Greek.

Efharisto.

It's all Greek to me.

We want everyone to feel comfortable here in Reno.

Some might bring kids, see the sights, spend money--

American dollars only, please.

Then go back to wherever you came from.

This can make your trip a little more appetizing.

Even if you're Greek.

- Morning. - Hi.

- How are you doing today? - Hi.

Hi, we're doing all right. Was I--

Yeah, you know, that last curve back there

has a 15 mile an hour speed limit.

And you guys were doing about 22.

Geez, I'm sorry.

Can I see your license and registration?

Yeah, absolutely. Of course. Will you look in that glove box?

Yeah.

Mmm... No.

Geez. Uh... I think it got packed up.

It's probably packed in the bag.

I don't wanna--

No, no, step out, step out, that's all right.

Uh-- I don't know which one of these bags it's in.

Honey, unlock the back.

Did you unlock it? - Try it. Yeah, just try it?

Yeah, it's unlocked.

Okay, well, then, I unlocked it.

- I don't think you did. - Are you newlyweds?

Ooh, uh... No.

Oh, no. Thanks for saying-- Five years, October 3rd.

Ah! Over the first hurdle, there.

- Do you need a hand? - No, I'm looking for stuff

and I'm seeing that you didn't pack my booties.

But why is it on me to pack your booties?

If we're gonna unpack everything,

let's just bring it out.

Yeah, but we have to unpack everything, Margaret.

Why would you bring your toolbox?

In case we need to fix the car.

But, that's what AAA is for.

This is the same way you treat people at Starbucks, by the way.

All right, we gotta--

If you don't make it clear what you want,

you end up with sugar in your coffee.

Oh, hey! Hey!

Got it. - Oh, great!

Hey, look at that!

- Oh, fun. - All right!

This is not you.

- Yeah, we stole this car. - Shit!

Shit!

God damn it! Hey!

- Don't do this! Don't do this! -

- Come on! Come on! -

- We're the cops now, baby! - Yeah, we're the cops!

- We're the cops. - We're the cops.

Uh-uh-uh, hey, hey, hey!

Yes, Cindy, yes.

- I just realized... - Yeah.

...you're the only one who don't have official photo.

Of course, I have an official photo.

Haven't you seen the Employee of the Month?

I know, but that don't work. Too old.

You know, what if I say,

I have the camera right here from the evidence locker.

No. You are beautiful,

now you're 10 times more beautiful.

Okay, now. You like cats?

- Oh, I love cats. - You love cats.

So, you're the cat, but you're like an old cat that can't...

Can't clean its back anymore.

Look at me, but pretend to clean your back, as the cat.

Okay, go.

Trying to clean your back. Yeah! Okay.

You know what it is? I'm sorry.

It's the outfit.

- Oh! So juicy! - Is it?

Yeah. Delicious, delicious. Yummy-yum-yum!

You're a bobcat. Let's see some bobcat action.

This is gonna be the best station photo.

Oh!

You okay? You need some water?

- Just keep shooting, I got it. - Okay.

And then the monster looked like crap.

Oh, I thought the monsters were very scary.

"There's something in a--"

Jones. Jones left his phone!

Oh, right.

His code is quadruple D.

Boom, boom, boom! - Good to know.

Look at that. See, Jones' phone

is like a It's A Small World ride of titty pics!

- Wow! - MILF.

Okay. Kind of a Karen-y lookin' one there.

Yeah, she looks angry.

Yeah, I'm filming you now.

I'm filming you now. That's right.

What are you? Are you Indian, or Pakistani, or Bangladeshi?

What, that's in his sex folder?

He has a lot of them. There's another one.

I have three Black friends and they love me, okay?

- Whoa! What do we-- - It's ringing. Shit.

I answered it! - Yeah, hello?

Is this that scary African-American man

who wants me to leash my dog?

Well, you know, the dog should be leashed.

Come on, baby, don't be like that.

I'm calling the cops.

And I'm saying that you tried to assault me,

and then, you went into my swimming pool--

I'm sorry, I've got to go.

- Is that my phone? - Yes, sir.

It was ringing, and we answered it

because we thought it was an emergency.

Was that me you were doing?

You've a lot of Karen videos.

- Yeah. - "Karen videos?"

They're on there, and by the way, I think--

Shut up! A Karen video in my fucking phone?

That's ridiculous. -Multiple.

- Many. - Stop it.

Okay, do you know who I am?

I'm a proud Black man, all right?

Do you where I come from-- - There you are!

There he is! There he is.

I have been threatened by you one too many times.

Ugh! You big, Black man!

- I will-- - You-- Ooh!

Yeah, you don't want me in your neighborhood.

No, I don't! Eating my Thai food...

Yes, I will eat--

- Okay. [shushing] Yeah. - Did you find your phone?

- Uh... - That was really weird.

- That was really weird. -Okay, guys, listen.

You know how some dudes are into Nazi underwear,

and women wearing--

- I've heard of that. - I've had a weird year. And...

- I like chocolate. - And Karen--

Her real name's Karen.

- Hi, Karen. - Hi, Karen.

-Hi. -She's special.

Weird fucking year, man.

Hello.

It's your friends at the Reno Sheriff's Department.

You've probably heard rumors buzzing about

about little envelopes of Yummy Punkin' Dipper Dots

that folks throughout Nevada

have been randomly getting in the mail.

It's a little bag of brightly colored seeds

that contain abrin,

an extremely deadly, ribosome inhibiting protein.

Let's all take a collective cleansing breath...

...as we go on to say,

that it only takes three micrograms of Abrin

to kill an adult.

And abrin can cause total organ failure in just minutes.

In minutes.

Do they know who's mailing out these deadly seeds, or why?

No, we don't know.

So, remember, if you get a mysterious bag

of tiny, deadly seeds in the mail,

just put on lead-lined radiation gloves,

put the seeds into a sealed Type-A container,

and burn your mailbox.

Do not inhale the fumes from said burning mailbox

and call the Department of Agriculture immediately.

If you've already opened the seeds, there is...

no reason to call us.

We cannot help you now.

No one-- Because no one can.

- No one can. - No one can help you now.

I wanna make sure that you get all of this,

but that you also get all of this.

Oh my God! Like the leopard, I love it!

That's mine, so you know I have proof.

It's very small, and is it supposed to go

all the way up, through your crack?

Or that's how they wear it?

Are you incredibly uncomfortable?

- Yes, ma'am. - That's the right way.

Okay, perfect.

Now we're gonna do, where you open your leg.

Okay? - Just one of them?

Open your leg, and your other leg, too.

Oh, you could have said that before.

What are you thinking, when you see this?

I'm thinking...

I dare you to call 911.

Yeah? What else? What will you do? What will you do?

I'll probably just go home instead,

and have a frozen dinner.

And maybe I'll call my aunt.

Uh-huh, uh-huh. And when you're really mad?

When Trudy is furious, what are you gonna do?

Sometimes, I pull my own hair out.

Um, it's sort of like a self-mutilation--

What the fuck!

What the actual fuck is wrong with you?

- Just fucking do it right. - It was her idea--

I know, fucking do it right.

Lick that and I'll hold this here.

- Yeah, okay. -Can't see me, right?

What the hell, guys?

- Shoot it right up the runway. - Hey, Junior.

Right up the runway, move the phone,

you're hot and good.

You're right about that. Uh-huh, yeah.

Dangerous with the gun! - I will fuck you up!

-That's right. - I'll fucking shit on your mom.

Now, every year, the department does a...

Scared Straight Haunted Hayride.

You know, hopefully, scare the kids,

and maybe teach them a little something about

dangers of drunk driving. Oh, no!

-Hey, guys. -Whatever!

- Anybody coming? - No.

I ain't seeing a line so far.

Guys, I gotta be honest.

I'm not that proud of my costume.

- What are you? - A dead pimp.

Oh, you should be very proud!

I'm glad no one else Black is here,

'cause they would not be happy with me.

I'm not proud of myself.

I'm the lady who used to date, um, the Nirvana guy.

- Oh, she died from drugs. - Yeah.

I think next year, real dead bodies from the morgue

would really draw 'em in.

I like the idea of using real cadavers.

Hey!

Anybody wanna do drugs in the woods?

That's great!

Gay hustler looking for whippets?

I like that one.

Oh, are you guys doing an event or something?

We're doing the Haunted Hayride.

- Oh! Oh, neat, neat. -Every year.

Oh, cool. I'm so sorry.

I'm off. I'll see you guys later.

I was doing drugs in the woods, so...

No, no, they're doing an event over here!

Guys, don't go that way.

Wiegel, these are great.

Thank you.

That was from a wedding dress that I was making for myself.

I made one for myself in the '70s,

and then the styles changed,

and then I made one for myself in the '80s--

- Wedding dresses? - Just in case.

You don't know, like, everyone needs a wedding dress, in case,

I don't know.

You took this from the evidence locker?

No, they had tried to bury my grandmother in this,

and I said,

"Over my dead body. 'Cause that's my size."

Uh-- Did anything fall out of my pocket

when I came over before?

What are you looking for, Jim?

Tiny little vial, looks like it's full of drugs?

I got drugs!

- Courtney Love. - See ya.

-Should we call it? - I'm done.

- Is this the Haunted Hayride? - We got one!

Well, I'm on methamphetamine!

And when I'm on methamphetamine, I like to kill little kids!

How much is this?

- Say it again? - How much is this?

- Five bucks. - Lame.

Really thought that was a sale.

Yeah.