Original subtitles

Nice.

How are you doing today, sir?

You overcompensating a little bit?

Hey, Blue Lives Matter, buddy.

License and registration.

Whoa!

What do you think I am, stupid?

Oh, my God!

Good morning, gang.

- 'Morning. - 'Morning. One DO.

Hey, guys, IT has a, uh...

actively turned off all of the hotspots in the building.

Mm.

- Did you hear about this? -No.

Uh, there's some sites that people have gone to, um...

that pinged us... -Mm.

- ...for red flags. -Mm.

There's certain places we can't be going to

on the computers anymore, guys.

But if you press "clear," it goes away.

Doesn't go away.

-Not really. - What?

Here's the problem. What I've found out--

- What? - We're all learning about this,

it's a learning curve.

-What is "clear" for? - No, no, no, no.

-No, no, no, no. - To clear history.

Here's what I'm finding out from

the State of Nevada and the city,

especially on the work computers, guys,

the "clear history" button, what it actually does

is sends the history to up the chain of command.

But they can't do that.

- That's not what clear means. - No, no, no, no.

That's not what clear means.

That's entrapment.

Junior, I know this one's you.

- Which one? - That's not you?

Pornandprofishingtips.net?

I... The... The fishing tips on there

are unbelievable and, yes,

they are fucking while they're talking about fishing.

but it's... they get legitimate pro fishing guys.

Is this you?

Naughtygrandmas.net?

Can I tell you--

Don't, don't, don't, don't. - I have to explain.

Tru... Trudy, here's what's very distressing

about naughtygrandmas.net.

- Yep. - It is a pro

contributor account. - Yes.

Could you tell us more about that?

Please, I won't do it at the station anymore.

Just please don't out me

and let them know that I'm not a real grandma.

I've got a confession, I look up stuff.

It's been a long-term joke I've been doing. I was gonna--

I know. Is the joke this?

What?

Is the joke "smurfporn.net"? Is that it?

Yeah... Yes, it is.

And the joke was...

This is going to kill you.

I had it... I knew about this,

and I have... I've been... I... I've been looking at it.

I was going to explain.

Like I was addicted, that... that, um...

the whole craziness that I'm making my wife

wear, paint blue, and it's... ah...

they wrecked it. -By the way--

Are we in trouble?

Is that thing... Is the... Oh! - Yes, yes.

At least, I've got an explanation.

Not like the rest of you.

- Technical question. - Yeah.

There's only one girl.

Yeah. Yeah.

And then, it's like a hundred little boy smurfs?

Yeah.

I just want to get the fucking Wi-Fi back on.

-Oh, no. -There she goes.

-Hey. - Jackie.

- Don't you even think about it. -Jackie!

- Jackie. - Jackie!

We just need you to get off the bridge.

Get off the bridge.

We just need you to get off the bridge.

I'm not on it. I'm not on the bridge.

Jackie, be a lady!

I'm trying to be.

No. no, no, no...

- What? - Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

No, no, no, no, no.

Oh, no, Jackie's going to kill herself

and we're going to have to do all the cleanup.

I've heard it all before. - Pretty much.

Yeah, that's exactly the situation.

Why would I ever do something like that?

I'm the CEO of my own thriving company!

Where I give blowjobs for... profit.

- Jackie. - I got $300

up my butt, saved.

You don't, you don't.

Anything you'd all like to buy, please?

We don't want to touch you,

okay? - No, no.

'Cause we don't want to get what you have.

- No. - So would you mind, please...

- I just want to know... - ...leaving with us.

- Excuse me, I would just... - The money's coming out.

...like to know where you came from?

Because there were

only three guys to begin with... - The money is coming out.

...and now there's four of you.

Jackie, put the money back up, please.

Have you ever been to a carnival

where they make sand art and they put it in bottles

that's all stretchy out?

- Of course. - Yeah.

That never happens to me. I've never had a chance

to make one of those.

- Oh, hey, you are in luck. -A stretchy bottle?

- Think they got one... - Carnival.

I swear to God!

Buckets of them that way at the carnival.

It's Prostitute Day at the carnival.

- Okay. - Yeah.

- Jackie, in this world... -Jackie.

...what do you like to do, huh?

This isn't one of 'em.

♪ Moving very slowly To France ♪

- Okay. - ♪ Just moving very slowly ♪

♪ Moving very slowly To France, moving... ♪

She's pooping...

She's shitting on me. She's shitting on my leg.

She's shitting on my leg!

Who packs the tranquilizer gun, usually?

- Well, I forgot it today. - Thank you.

- I didn't-- I'm sorry. - Say you're sorry.

- God, Jackie! - Whoa, whoa!

What? Jesus, you just scared the shit out of me!

What? - You are a beautiful lady!

- You... - Yes.

You sure don't need this fuckin' crack pipe, then.

Hey, that's my favorite crack pipe!

Oof.

A little help, please, a little help.

Someone wanna go get that money out of her butt?

This is Deputy Raineesha Williams

from the Reno Sheriff's Department,

here to tell you

about our new online reporting system.

Let's just say you've been carjacked or raped.

Or you just escaped a kidnapper.

With all our busy schedules,

who has the time to call 911?

And due to recent de-funding,

which we are totally okay with, and have no hard feelings about,

there probably wouldn't be anyone here

to answer your call anyway.

Here's how it works.

Simply log on to renosheriffsdept.org.

/onlinereportingsystems

...1832.reno/

incident-gov,

and locate the community section.

Now scroll all the way to the bottom

just past the tab labeled

"Truckee River Inner Tubing Rules and Regulations"

and click on "Report A Crime."

There, you'll find a series of links

separated into sections by colors.

Click the reddish-brown tab

labelled "Incident Report 3824-84B"

and convert the form into a PDF file.

Now, simply head back to the home page

to download the PDF version software

by clicking on the "Utilities" tab.

Once that's done, the rest is a breeze.

Just fill out your form,

making sure you include your name,

the date, the location of your incident,

your birthday, your phone number,

and the addresses for the last ten places you've lived.

And you're done!

Click and send.

If you don't hear back from us within six weeks,

head back to the website,

and follow these simple nine steps again.

Welcome to the future.

We'll see you in space.

Cyberspace, that is.

I got...

Got it. Yeah, shit.

Every time and all the time.

Kind of a neat day.

The Pigford Place out that way

is looking for "Host" position material.

I was not in the age bracket.

But I think I got the experience.

I think I got the joie de vivre.

"Welcome to the Pigford Farm."

I think I could do that very easily.

See ya!

When I was born,

very healthy, gorgeous newborn,

I was named Darling Clementine.

Time goes on, the minutes are ticking by,

and my mom's like,

"What's that grunting?"

Looked in the tray of afterbirth,

oops-a-daisy, there's another baby,

which is my twin Darling.

Darling Johnson.

Sometimes,

when there's twins or triplets,

one twin will try to absorb the other twin,

"eat them," if you will, and apparently,

there are tiny, little gum scars,

or there were...

on Darling's legs.

If it wasn't for my ability to just...

ball up...

um, you would have gobbled me up.

But I survived, and they almost threw me away!

But they didn't, and, um...

here I am. Clemmy got the boobs and I got the forehead.

Um, but anyway, so,

we were just going down memory lane, and...

and here are some fun pictures of us,

playing dress-up,

and here's a photo booth thing.

And then here we are in showgirl school.

And this was the beginning of, um...

all of our magic stuff.

And then, here we are with The Amazin Nathan.

We met The Amazin Nathan

'cause he used to hang around outside our dance studio.

Mommy thought he was, um, just a big, retarded man

that took out the trash.

But, no, he was a magician, and we... I...

I owe my career to him.

So, guess who got the shit job? [scoffs] Again.

Clean up the graffiti.

Goddamn it. - Whoa! Ho-ho.

Hey, Garcia! How are you doing?

Oh, Dangle's got you doing the old, uh, thug cover-up, huh?

He, uh... He doesn't got me. I begged. Are you kiddin' me?

I feel bad that they've never let you do it.

Makes me feel great doing this,

'cause seeing all this shit on our station...

- Yeah? - It's like Antifa won.

What the hell? No, no way. No way.

Antifa didn't win. - Whoa! Oh!

Get the fuck out of here, Antifa.

- All right. - Assholes.

I will show you what I can do. Get your shit back to Portland.

Hey, uh, text me if you get tired, old man.

Ain't gonna happen, Kimball.

Got awful short arms there, Grandpa.

You do not have the right. Sons of bitches!

For Reno, this is one of our nicest sub-divisions,

wouldn't you say, Travis?

- Uh, it's high-end. - Yeah.

I think these go for a mid... mid-40s?

Yeah, and then you'll see this stuff. Look at that.

Straight up drug dens.

What you wanna get, uh...

...is the dino DNA as, I believe, they call the drug.

- Jackpot! - Oh!

Ye-yo! - Ye-yo!

- It's cocaine, yeah? - Yeah, just gonna see

how good this stuff is. - You can test it. Test it.

Sometimes they cut it, and then sometimes they don't cut it.

Usually, you can tell, 'cause, you know what, not only will--

That's not cocaine, what is that?

Not only will...

Ooh. Tastes like band-aids. - Ain't meth.

Crank, you can... I mean, crank you can

just feel. If this was crank--

You can smell crank when you open the box.

Let me see if yours is the same as mine.

Yours is the same as mine. Yeah. - It's the same.

It's very, very good. - It ain't special K.

Ain't duck tranquilizer.

It ain't that Carrie Fisher stuff

that was going around a couple of years ago. Oh, wow!

The Carrie Fisher stuff was weirdly good.

Ah, I liked it.

I mean, if you woke up, it was good.

You know, this might be Ecstasy.

I've just never had Ecstasy this good.

This is, like, licoricey, kinda root beer burpy Ecstasy in...

On the 4chan,

that's what they say the good Ecstasy tastes like.

We should-- I should-- I've done about a--

I've done a fair amount of this.

How far are we from town?

We're so far from town.

We're like 45 minutes, we should get...

Go to Tahoe?

Maybe.

Eyes on the prize.

- Yeah, yeah. I just felt-- - Eyes on the prize. We should--

We should probably get... - Yeah, yeah.

...down before... I should stop that.

All right?

You're gonna drive, but can I pick some... can I pick...

can I pick the music?

No.

Okay.

Phew. Whew.

Eww.

Somebody put a tampon in my coffee.

Mine, too.

But I have the new PoilceTek Cop Coffee Catcher.

The Cop Coffee Catcher catches anything anybody

puts in your coffee before you drink it.

Ah! It filters out everything.

Tampons?

You bet!

Especially Tampons.

Thanks for the tip, Officer.

Don't thank me. Thank Cop Coffee Catcher.

Mm. Oh!

Forgot to filter this one.

Can somebody take this?

We were at the Showgirl Academy.

Amazin Nathan came up and was like,

"Hey, you two seem like quality ladies.

I do a magic show."

The act was very third shift.

If you have been gambling for a long time,

and the regular lounge act had to take a break,

that's when The Amazin Nathan would come on.

If you like the Miami Vice theme song,

if you like pink and turquoise lasers,

and want to get in a time machine

and go back to 1989, yes, it was great.

Very cutting edge.

As it turned out,

Darling really has a love

for being in small spaces.

My bones are not brittle, but they are pliable.

And I'm telling you, you can stuff me in anything,

and I will enjoy it.

Genuinely enjoy it.

So, the great thing about me,

is that you don't have to buy me a plane ticket.

Because I will be shipped,

and I will have the time of my life.

I don't need much. - Yeah.

She has no Vitamin D. - Right? Yes.

I need Vitamin D pellets,

Mountain Dew,

and something to crunch on.

I just wish you'd shown some initiative,

or some ability to take care of yourself.

I am a stellar employee,

and easy on the eyes, and I do sound mixing.

I own my own fog machine, and a disco ball.

I don't even live in an apartment,

because I don't have to.

I just live with the props, in the warehouse.

There were times when I would be put in a box,

he'd tap it, turn it around, blah-blah-blah,

and then Darling would appear in the balcony.

And that's when I would leave.

And... And one night, I just left and was like,

"I don't want to do this anymore. This is dumb."

I've got-- - Listen, what she said

was that she would take the job-over.

Yes.

Yes.

It was an agreement that we made.

I really just want some days off.

So, just do it, already!

I'm sure there's a way for everyone to get what they want.

So, you'll come over and pick up the outfits?

Whew.

What do you call this music? - This is a, uh...

This is a French DJ whose name is Frère Jacques.

It's, um... It's kind of amazing, isn't it?

It's really amazing, I know.

- It's amazing. - It's amazing.

Water's a very good idea.

- Water's a great idea. - Water's a good idea.

Yeah, water's a great idea. - Water's a good idea.

- So weird that we have a car. - I know!

- I know, right. - I know.

And it's not even ours,

but we drive it all day long. - We drive it all the time.

- I love this car. - I know.

It's a really good car. - I love this car.

Good car.

Oh! Oh, hi! - Hey!

- Hey. - Hi, how are ya?

He stopped. - Oh, God, why'd he stop?

- Shit, 'cause he thinks we-- - Oh, no, no.

- Just, you talk to him. - Do we look weird?

- No. - He's getting out. Oh, shit.

- Whoa-ho-ho-ho! - How did you do that?

Well, I just slid. Just slide.

I don't think I can get down here.

-Wow! -Hey, is there a--

- Oh, hi, hi. - Hey, hey. Slide.

Is there a problem?

- Whoa! - Okay, that felt good.

Hi. - Hi.

Hi. - Yeah.

You need my license and registration?

Uh...

- That's a great idea. - That's a great idea.

Hi. Yeah, yeah. Uh, yeah.

Wow. [mumbles] Hi. - "That's a great idea"?

- How are... how are you? Hi. - I'm good.

- Whoa! - I'm sorry, I was just-- Wow!

Your truck is so hot.

This is really neat. I'm gonna--

Be careful with your hands when you do that

'cause it's really hot.

Oh my God, it's so hot!

The truck is so hot. - So hot.

- Hi, this... so this is Travis. - Yeah.

- Hey! - Uh, I'm Jim.

- Officers. - Um...

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, I'm good, I'm good. I'm good.

Um, I think the music... I gotta go turn down the music.

Yes. We're gonna turn down the music.

We're gonna go turn down the music,

could you just give us a second?

- Whew. He's so black. - Are you freaking out?

Is he really that black or is it just, wow!

...go to a museum, you see these structures.

I'm gonna go get the music.

Has anybody ever told you, you look like a magnificent...

like a sculpture you'd see in some beautiful place?

- I'm-- - Yeah.

Would you get that? It's really freaking me out.

Just flip it to-- - Oh.

Oh, nice. Oh, yeah.

You wanna feel his head?

I, I... I don't wanna feel your head. I'm uncomfortable.

- The back part's very neat. - The back part's good.

The top part-- - Just feel it, it's neat.

The top part's kinda freaky.

But the back part's really nice.

That's a good... That's a good feeling nape of the neck.

A good feeling nape. - Yeah. Yeah.

- Look. - I was gonna feel--

I'm not gonna feel your nape.

- Has my jaw gone weird? - Yeah. Just relax.

...know what you gotta do with it. Watch.

I'm gonna change the music.

Uh, wait, how's this?

-Oh, man! - Oh!

I didn't think the music could get better.

- Oh, wow! It got better. - It got better.

- Officer, uh... - Dangle.

- Dangle. - Dangle.

Jim! Jim! Just Jim. - Officer Jim.

- Just Jim. Thank you, man. - All right, just...

Let me just make this clear.

Yeah.

- I know it, and you know it. - Whew.

You two are messed up.

Some type of narcotic, I'm gonna guess it's X.

I'm gonna let you two off with a warning, do you hear me?

- Oh, my God. Thank you. Wow. - Thank you. Thank you.

If I ever see you out here again...

Yes, sir.

...touching the back of necks...

Yes, sir.

...holding hands with people that you don't know...

- Yes, sir. Yes, sir. - ...pulling over innocent men,

you will be arrested.

- 100%. - All right.

- Thank you, thank you so much. - Thank you. Thank you.

Whoa!

That's so loud!

Oh, my God, that truck scared me so hard!

- Man. - Oh!

I don't know why I ever wore shoes, really. Ever.

They really make you feel... - Look at these heels.

...your toes. That's why you fall forwards.

-You fall forward. - You're always falling.

- You fall forward. - Right.

Uh... It's not me, but, uh, are people having...

their personal packages shipped to the station?

- Yeah. - Yeah.

Don't do that. Please don't do it anymore.

Well, Jim, I'm not allowed a PO box anymore. Well--

- Did they take away your box? - Yeah.

Oh! -How come?

Uh, some of the weird foods that I

was purchasing from overseas.

- What... -Uh...

From Wuhan.

Yeah, I get some weird food sent.

Trudy, can I have that donut, please?

Anyway, tonight's movie is Cocoon.

-Cocoon! - Oh!

- Wilford Brimley. -Hey, fun fact.

Wilford Brimley, I think, 23...

-...he made that picture. -Yeah, that's right.