Original subtitles

You know, I guess they rescued a bear,

and guess some Hells Angels up in Meth Country

had this poor little guy in here

and, uh, we're going to take him in.

He's going to be like the station mascot.

Teddy the crime bear. - Teddy!

Hey, how you doing, huh? Wait. Shh. Don't scare him.

Don't scare it, don't scare it.

Hey. Hey.

We'll see if we can get him to come out here.

Hey. How you doing?

You want a granola bar? You want a granola bar?

You... Ow!

Rizzo! Quick! Pepper spray, pepper spray!

Pepper spray! Pepper spray!

- Oh, shit. - Aah!

I missed it. Like, I--

I told him not to do that shit.

Oh, my God!

-Good morning, gang. - Morning.

Either a banner-day or a dark day

here at the Reno Sheriff's Department,

we've, uh, finally gotten notification

from the brass on high

that, um... Trudy Wiegel, nincompoop,

functionally retarded adult woman

who's been with us for years, uh,

has been, I-I think...

I-I-I didn't see... Did you... Who saw the original fax?

No, we just know there's news coming...

- Oh, I thought it was official. -For the change--

It's gotta be official. She gotta be fired.

Seems like... Seems like a sharp knife cuts clean.

Sayonara, Trudy. So we're just trying to make it nice.

Bon voyage.

- Yeah. Literally. - Let her go.

Yeah.

A good day for her is rolling on her mom's grave.

So we're trying to make it nice.

- Yeah. -Here she is. Here she is.

- Hey, hey. - Surprise.

Surprise.

Oh, my God.

Welcome aboard.

- Uh... - Guys...

Oh, my God. I can't believe this is happening.

So they told you that I was made sergeant?

Yes.

And this is a surprise party for me.

- Hey. We got you hot dogs. - All your favorites.

We got you pez.

-Oh, my God! - We decorated like Christmas

'cause we know you like Christmas.

♪ For She's a Jolly Good Fellow For She's a Jolly Good Fellow ♪

♪ For She's a Jolly Good Fellow ♪

Oh!

- ♪ And so say all of us ♪ - ♪ And nobody can deny ♪

- Those are all for you, Trudy. - Chocolate pez.

Do you have a napkin I can...

- Oh! Ooo! Oh, oh! -Aww!

- We've always admired you. -That was pretty.

We knew this was coming.

- There you go. - Oh!

There you go.

We also want to present you with

all the money in the racist, um, commenter.

Well, we want to give you back all that.

It was your money.

- Racist free fund. - You're glowin' today.

I've always... I've always been jealous of you, Wiegel.

- Would you like to put... - Wow...

Would you like us to put some pez on your hot dogs for you?

- I sure would. - Sure, sure. Yeah.

- Hey, Wiegel-- - Then we'll go to the lido deck

for some shuffleboard.

- Yeah. - Oh, my.

This is the greatest day of my entire life.

And you know who our guest stars are today?

Adrienne Barbeau, Robert Stack, and the Village People.

I love you all.

- And we love you. - And we love you, Trudy.

We love you.

You're the prettiest.

- Take it. - We love you.

Oh, shit. She's stroking out. She's stroking out.

We're losing her!

Aaah!

Oh, no! Oh, no!

Ugh.

Are we interrupting you?

- Mm? -Um...

Hrarr Manoogian is going to need to be transferred to...

-Got it. -RCA.

You didn't hear what I said?

-Jim? - Yeah.

Did I miss, um, shuffleboard or...

No, I'm just saying words.

Words are just coming out of my mouth.

I'm awake in here and ready to work.

What happened?

- Shuffleboard? - Trudy, did you p...

Did you go make a pee? - A little bit.

When the diaper gets full, you got to change it.

See, now you're choosing to pee with it...

That's... You're just... That's just letting loose.

Wow.

Well, well, well, well, well, well, well.

Whoa! Whoa-ho, whoa-ho. Whoa!

- No, sir! - Whoa.

- Nope. - No.

- How old are you, bro? - Eleven.

- You're 11 years old? - Yes, sir.

You see something wrong with this?

I do. I do.

I see something wrong with this, too.

Red flag.

First of all, thanks for being out. We do appreciate it.

Yeah, do you want some water

or anything? - Want water or anything?

We're not supposed to thank you,

but... but obviously, we thank you.

- Thank you. - Thank you.

And you know what I'd never, ever want to see again,

in this town or in this great state?

What is that bullshit?

First of all you got to be...

- Twenty-one. - ...21 to smoke,

and second of all, you gotta-- you got one?

Once you become, you become a... - I don't. I don't.

I got you.

Once you get this monkey on your back, it does not, um...

Sweet gun, by the way.

It's ver-- It's a pretty nice-- That's a... That's a AK.

- Yeah, AK-47. - And then, um,

you wake up and you want a cigarette.

You go to sleep and you want a cigarette.

- You turn the gas up on it. - I gotta--

You know that's a real grenade, right?

Fuck it!

Shit!

Car's okay. Phew.

- Thank you for your service. - Thank you for your service.

Yeah.

You're sure you don't want a water anything?

You all right? Okay.

Oh, there's a lighter in the car.

- What a red-letter day. - Whoo!

Yeah!

It's a brisk 109 degrees up here in the Truckee Pass,

and we are having our first annual...

If there's one thing we hate,

it's motherfucking lupus. - Yup.

- Yeah. - Fuck you, lupus.

We've invited a... a bunch of the other, uh,

law enforcement agencies in the region. Uh, I think...

- Sparks is running late. Yeah. - Sparks is running late.

Truckee's, uh... Truckee's en route.

I've been sending a-aggressive letters to all of them,

so be ready... - Oh, holy shit.

Oh! Fuck. Hatzolah. Hatzolah.

Oh, it's the Jewish police. Oh... Oh, shit.

Hey, we are Hatzolah.

-Hey. -Hey, guys.

- Ah, yes. I'm very good. - How you doing?

Hey, great to see you. - It's good to see you, too.

Hi, how are you? Yeah.

Jim, we are the Jewish Super Police.

Yes, yes. You're gonna do the fun fair with us.

Yes. We're going to win these games.

That was fighting words, Hatzolah.

The only bad guy here, I think,

if we all remember right is, uh...

No, just give it. It's... It's safer. It's safer.

The only bad guy here is... - You guys.

-No. Lupus. -Lupus.

-Lupus. -Lupus.

Do you guys hate lupus as much as you hate Jesus?

Okay, so we're going to do this or what? Good.

We're gonna have a great one. Oh, hey. We're gonna do it.

- Good. - And may the best...

I was gonna say religion. That was super weird.

- Super weird. - May the best...

No. May the only loser by lunchtime be...

-Lupus. - You guys.

- Let's do it, guys. - Come on, guys.

Let's do it. Let's do it.

You're gonna have to wander...

You may not be in a legal parking spot...

RSD, RSD.

We got one shot at this.

I vote we wow 'em with the dance.

- No. Please. Please, no. - Come on, man.

Five, six, seven, eight.

♪ Yes, we do, yes, we care ♪

♪ Reno Law Enforcement Fun Fair ♪

♪ Yes, we do, yes, we care ♪

♪ Reno Law Enforcement Fun Fair ♪

- Back the fuck up, because... - Back it up, guys. Back it up.

We're going to have a lot of fun.

Okay, ready for potato sack? -Yeah, yeah.

- Ready for potato sack race? -Potato sack. Yay!

- Okay. -Can we, can we get up?

Yeah, get up. Let's have some fun.

Hello, it's your friends at the Reno Sheriff's Department.

You've probably heard on social media

that we recently found

a necklace made from humongous horse penises.

In reality, we didn't find this bizarre piece

of nightmarish jewelry, no.

Someone mailed it to us.

And to be completely transparent,

as is our new policy,

someone actually mailed us two of these necklaces

made from dried up... humongous horse penises.

At first [chuckles] we thought it was some kind of knackwurst,

or Oktoberfest sausages,

dried and fashioned with some turquoise detailing,

but on closer inspection...

nope.

Why were the names of so many of our deputies,

my own included,

engraved onto these dried horse penises?

It seems kind of like voodoo,

or maybe a threat, or possibly both.

It's, uh... It's distressing.

So, if you or anyone you know or anyone you've seen

or even a mysterious drifter or someone down the block

that you suspect might have done something like this,

why not take a couple seconds and drop an email

to humongoushorsepenisinfo

@renosheriffsdepartment.org?

We would love...

...to hear from you.

For reals.

Cindy.

- Hey, boo. - Nice. Thank you.

Can I ask you something?

Did you change the password to get into the computer?

- Of course I did. - And what did you change it to?

Okay, come on. Sit down.

Log into your account. - Okay.

First letter is "V."

- "B" as in boy? - "V" as in Victor.

Okay. - "V" as in Victor.

The number "2" and "3."

- "2" and "3." - And then "B."

- "D" as in... - "B" as in boy.

- "B" as in boy. - Okay.

And then, ready? This is the easy part. Are you ready?

- "W"... - In Chinese, honey.

You need to use... change it to international keyboard.

- Ctrl, alt, del, num lock. - Cont... Ctrl...

Okay.

So I just won't use the computers.

You have to learn. Everyone here

knows how to speak Chinese already.

Nobody here knows how to speak Chinese.

Garcia don't even speak Spanish.

Cindy...

Oh, Jonesy...

Uh-how!

Okay, so who... what was it? "Wo-ha-nee?"

Yeah. You got.

-Prrrrrr... -♪ We got spirit ♪

♪ Yes, we do ♪

♪ We got spirit How about you? ♪

♪ We got spirit, yes, we do ♪

♪ We got... ♪

Okay, on the count of shalosh.

Echad. Shtayim. Shalosh.

Oh, man down. Man down, Man down.

Are you okay?

Hey, guys, party foul.

Aah!

Fuck! Oh, my God. Oh, God. Oh, God!

Winner!

It's not a great day,

but here's where we turn that around.

- Boom! - Jim, why are you so...

I... Because my back hurts. I think my wrist is broken.

All right!

This one is called the egg relay.

You're gonna do 'em chicken style, chicken style.

Chicken style, chicken style.

Don't drop your egg, get to the end.

Flap like a hen, get your egg back.

Should I call it on shalosh?

No, no, no, no. You know what? We'll do it.

We'll... We'll... That's okay. - Okay.

And three, two, one.

Aah! Aah!

- Hey! Whoa! Whoa! - Whoa!

- Good shooting, shalosh . - Aah...

Dude, you brought a sniper?

How are you going to win egg race

if you don't bring sniper?

If you're like us,

sometimes you're stuck on the job for hours on end

and every once in a while,

you just need a little pick-me-up, like...

COP tarts.

Each one of these babies has enough protein sugar,

caffeine and testosterone for a 48 hour shift.

Mm.

Plus every box of COP tarts

comes with two packs of smokes,

a stick of gum, breath mints,

beef jerky, two Xanax, a rubber,

and a crossword puzzle.

Best thing about COP tarts, there's a surprise in every box.

Hey!

I got to Tequila Sunrise.

And oooh,

I got a confiscated Schedule 2 controlled substance.

COP tarts.

Order yours with the next order

of law and order.

- Are they looking at us? - I don't think so.

No. Just wave and act like we're fine.

Okay.

Hey. - Hey.

Unh.

I don't want to get hurt anymore at all.

Me neither, Jim. I don't either.

I just want to go home.

This is gonna sound stupid, but we just pick up the table

and start quietly walking away.

Like when you steal a painting in a museum like...

Hundred percent exactly right.

This is a terrible halftime speech.

Damn it. This is... The halftime speech

was "let's shit the bed and run."

Wait. We shit the bed,

we're running because we shit the bed.

I thought that was the expression.

- What are we doing? - I just want to go.

I don't want to shit on anything.

Don't worry. We'll just go.

Shalom, babies. Everybody having a good time?

Yeah.

- Great time. - We bring you a little drink.

-Oh! -Oh!

This is what we drink. We like it very much.

This is a mineral water, fruits, vegetables,

and, uh, many, many chemicals.

- Oh, thank you so much. -It's hissing.

It's okay. No polonium.

No what?

No polonium, don't worry.

Why would you bring that up?

Because people worry

when Russian drinks are involved, polonium.

No Russian polonium. - Never heard of that.

- Mm-hmm. -Is it making a sound?

- It hisses just a little bit. - Okay. Yeah.

- That is the sound of health. - Do you hear that?

Hey, uh, on the DJing front...

- Oh, yeah. - Amazing.

- That is good. - Amazing.

In Israel, I am known as DJ Sandra Bullock Fan.

It's weird. It sounds like Sandra Bullock.

Yes, DJ Sandra Bullock Fan.

- Does it get louder? - It's... It's gotten louder

since the time we started our conversation.

Will con... Will continue to increase in volume.

- Oh, neat. - Come on, Dangle!

You got it!

Get it, Dangle, get it!

Wanna hear that pinata pop, buddy.

You got it!

Shit! Shit!

Shit!

We're alive. We're alive.

We're alive.

I don't like this.

Where did the candy go?

I'm Mayor Dwayne Hernandez.

That's right!

You just have to refer me as the mayor

even though I haven't been mayor in years.

That's a title you can't take away from me

like you've taken everything else.

I'm running for re-election.

And you may ask yourself, "Why now?"

Because you need me.

The city needs me. I don't need you guys.

I don't need you assholes, you need me

because your city's falling apart.

This guy I'm running against, Danny Cooper,

he's a pussy.

He blew us all in college. He didn't tell you that, huh?

You need a mayor that has balls,

that gives a shit!

And I'll tell you this, huh,

my dick is bigger than his.

I won't abandon you, Reno.

Shit.

I'm not even allowed to leave the house.

So vote for me, Mayor Dwayne Hernandez,

or I'll find out where you live.

I'll find out where your kids go to school.

I'll find out where your fucking dogs get groomed.

Huh...

Mm.

Let's go get some blow...

Vote to re-elect Dwayne Hernandez, Mayor.

Do you see it?

- Right here? - Right here, do you see it?

- There's nothing right here. - You can't see it, right?

No.

This is our new tank.

- No. - Yeah.

This is invisible tank. You cannot see it.

It's stealth technology but enhanced.

But there's nothing there.

There's nothing there, so cross the street.

But there's nothing there.

That's right. So cross the street, tough guy.

See?

You were right. I was wrong. I was kidding.

I told you, it's tank.

Good game. Good game.

Good game. Good game.

You can't. I know, I know, I know.

I guess this is yours, huh?

Oh, thank you very much.

Uh, this is, uh, well earned for our team.

Yes, this is for you.

These are your weapons. - Thank you very much.

Uh, thank you guys so much.

- Thank you very much. - It was a great day.

-Congratulations. - Thank you.

Can someone... I can't hold it. I'm sorry.

Maybe we do it again next year.

In the meantime, practice.

- Yeah, practice. - Uh, get sniper, okay?

We'll... We'll practice and get sniper.

Do you want to see...

I'm going to be DJing on the Playa next weekend.

There is going to be MP3s for sale.

So everybody bring your shekels, okay?

I'll... I'll be there.

Okay. Shalom, baby. -Shalom.

We are Hatzolah. Hey!

Bye.

Um...

Seriously...

Do people want to carpool to see him DJ at the Playa,

or what do you... or what do you want to do?

- Yeah, I'm... I'm up for that. -Yeah?

Somebody called and it's probably a fucking goof,

but, uh, they've reported a...

creepy clown in the woods.

What the fuck is that?

-That's a creepy clown. - Hey! Hey!

Come on out, buddy.

- Hey. Hey. - Hey! Hey.

I hate to be that guy,

but we got a call...

Fuck it. We got a call about a creepy clown in the woods.

In these woods?

- Very specifically, yes. - I'll keep an eye out.

- Uh, no, sir. Sir. - Hey. Hey, hey, hey!

Sir?

Dang it to heck.

If you don't match the description...

Tread lightly.

If you're gonna say all clowns look alike.

That's not as very remotely what I said.

- And I look creepy? - That... No one said that.

Not the look!

It's the fact that you don't have context of a party.

I'm hitchhiking, and I'm not hitchhiking to hitchhike.

I'm hitchhiking because I'm going to a...

I'm going to a kid's party.

I just feel... I don't feel safe right now.

- You don't feel safe? - Oh, my gosh.

If I had a nickel... What's your name, sir?

Come on, man.

Bingo.

- Bingo's a clown name? - No.

Come On Man is my name. You got it right.

And I said bingo 'cause you nailed it.

- I understand. - All right.

You're an employed clown,

you're not just lurking in the woods?

Those are your words, not mine.

Do you have some documentation that would show us

you are a professional clown,

you're a union, uh...

What do you want me to do? You want me...

You want me to tell you some jokes?

Yes. Ver... Yes.

I get paid money to tell jokes, man.

I'm not gonna just tell...

You... But you don't have any identification?

Do I just come to your house and I'm like, "Hey, uh,

hey, plant some evidence." - Okay, don't do it. Don't do--

"Hey, shoot a Black guy."

- Hey. - Hey.

Whoa! Whoa! - I see what you're doing there.

My car broke down.

Where's the car that broke down?

Because we can call that in.

I would say about three and a half miles that way.

How big's your car?

You know, it's like the size...

It can fit, like, maybe 40-50 clowns.

Okay, that checks out.

Just prove you're a clown.

I'm not gonna... Why don't you prove you're a cop?

All right, okay. - Never do that.

Give me, like, something to juggle.

- What do I got? I got this. - Don't. Why--

- Okay, that... that'll work. - Yeah? Will that work?

Here, get ready. - Usually I like everybody to go

"Come On Man. Come On Man."

- Is this what the kids do? - That's my name.

Come On Man. Come On Man.

Come On Man.

Come On Man. - You want me to juggle?

Come On...

Good enough for me. - All right?

- Thank you very much. - So, I mean, this is like...

This is-- - So sorry. Have a great night.

You don't have to. It's okay.

Okay, guys, why don't you go drive through a protest?

Oh, come on, man.

- Bingo. - Fuck.

Fucking fell for it, man.

I will say...

hardly anybody can juggle these days

and that was pretty solid.

I mean, people used to be able to juggle,

they can also do great mouth noises.