Original subtitles

Got a call about an open window around here.

Gotta do a wellness check. Sheriff's Department!

Sheriff's Department!

Sheriff's Department, wellness check!

-Aah! - Wellness check!

What the fuck are you doing here?

- I... I live here. - Fucking prove it!

My ID's right over there in my wallet.

Just check my wallet.

Why don't you have your fucking ID?

'Cause... 'Cause I live here, this is my home.

What... What are you doing?

- Where is Jeff? - I live here, this is my house!

Why is there a cop pointing a gun at you?

- I don't know. -Wellness check!

Okay. Okay, okay, I get it!

What the fuck is going on in here?

I don't know what's going on. I'm well!

Wellness check!

Wellness check!

We got a report of an open window in Apartment 408.

Now what the fuck is your story, asshole?

Check my ID. I live here. This is my apartment.

Oh, yeah? Well, this says Apartment 202.

Yeah. 'Cause you're all in the wrong apartment.

You're in the wrong apartment!

You're in the wrong apartment! Turn off the camera.

Turn off the camera.

Oh, my God.

-Morning, gang. -Morning.

No, no... no... no big news today.

I mean, just gonna be normal, um...

If you were an odd number last week,

you're an even number patrol this week.

Nothing's-- But everything's basically, um, the same.

Yeah!

-Finally. - Hey, you got donuts.

They're gonna... Apparently, they will be on

once in a while for a little bit.

Even after the defunding.

You know, they said, and I think...

I, for one, think it's pretty true as they...

when they said nothing would feel that different.

And I don't think it does, do you?

- Did they sell our table? - Yes.

Yeah. They sold a lot-- quite a bit of the stuff.

Why didn't they offer to let us buy it?

Could you afford these tables?

Well, how much did they cost?

- Seventy-five bucks. -$75, for both.

Yeah, a bit pricey.

- No. - See?

Uh, I went out of pocket to buy toilet paper

for the women's room...

- Thank you for that. - ...and...

- Thank you. - where is... where is it?

I bought a big 16-pack... - Yeah.

Don't steal the toilet paper that I'm buying. One thing--

We didn't steal it. We got a towel

we have to wash off after-- -We have a...

Hey, guys, couple of things about that towel.

Oh.

- Come on! -No, no, no, no!

I mean, I think the, the, the main thing is...

Nothing's really-- Other than a couple of cosmetic things--

We just mentioned sharing a towel.

The tow... And I was gonna tell you,

uh, the towel is definitely getting crunchy.

Well, I should've peed when we have long drives.

Remind me to pee every time.

- What the hell is this place? -Where is this?

- Hello! - Hello?

Coming from there? - Yeah.

Oh, shit!

I hate when we get mysterious packages

out in the desert.

Wait, are you just gonna... - I am.

But I'm gonna look the other way when I do it this time.

'Cause last time, remember what happened?

Burner phone. God dang it!

No head in the box?

No head in the box.

- All right. You ready? - Yeah.

Sheriff's Department.

You miss me, now you gotta kiss me.

Pucker up, libtards!

Who's speaking, please?

Don't you remember me? Your old pal?

Here's a little riddle to jog your memory.

Shit, he's doing riddles.

- Fuck! - He's doing riddles.

Oh, God dang it. - I hate riddles.

I'm not an old gent

so I must be a... what?

- I must be a... twin. - Uh... Hang on.

- Twin, twin! Twin, twin! - Hang on, queen, baby--

Mardi Gras baby. Baby. - Mardi Gras baby.

I... I thought it was pretty obvious.

Okay, we're moving on.

Here's the second one, this is super easy.

You'll get this for sure. - All right.

What has two arms except when he has more arms

because of our blessed Second Amendment?

- Uh... Octopus. - Octopus. Octopus.

- D-Dr. Octopus! - No, uh... Dr. Octopus?

Uh, the elephant guy from Indian restaurants.

Indian restaurant elephant guy or Doc Ock?

What is wrong with you? I...

- That is literally... - Oh, my gosh!

...the easiest riddle I could come up with.

Well, obviously not.

Obviously not, because we didn't get them.

I'm not an old gent...

...I'm a Nugent. -Nugent.

- Ted Nugent. - See how that works?

- Yeah. - And arms like, you know, guns.

Ammo like arms.

That's a homophone! Come on!

- Oh! We sure don't say that. - It takes--

Even I'm not allowed to say that.

I got sent to a whole thing and I had to go to a thing.

Really nice compound you got.

Oh, thanks, man. It's... You know, it's homey, I like it.

Did I read that this is technically

not part of America in any way?

You're correct, sir.

You're in the Free State of Mad Manchester.

-Whoa! Whoa! -Wow!

We got our own flag and everything.

Have you seen it yet? - No.

Oh, it's amazing. It's got Barack Hussein Obama...

...with a bone in his nose.

Oh, neat.

- And standing next to him... - Yeah.

...Hillary eatin' a baby.

And next to her, um... - Wow. Right.

Now that I say this out loud, it sounds kinda busy.

It's so busy.

- Sounds like a lot going on. - Yeah? Right.

Deputy Raineesha Williams here.

Now more than ever, it's a tough time

to be a strong Black sister in the state of Nevada

where it's legal and encouraged for pubescent white boys

to carry war weapons that would have seemed made up

if you didn't see them on the news all the time.

If you're like me,

sometimes you just want to get errands done

or hit the salon,

and not get murdered by the police.

Well, now it's easy with a little Pinterest page

I've made called "Street Smart Sisters."

If you want to not get hassled on the street,

you just need to look and seem like a white teenaged vigilante.

Because the cops love a white teenaged vigilante

even more than they hate a strong Black sister.

I call this "Up in the Rittenhouse."

It's a neckerchief that covers my beautiful Black face,

a red hat that says "fuck your feelings,"

and loose khaki pants with no bulge in the penis area.

If there was a bulge in the penis area,

I would need a war weapon that can kill a Velociraptor.

So this fashion season keep up in the hits house.

The Ritten-his-house.

Because, literally, you'll be safer like this...

than you would be with brown skin.

-This is the place. - Hello!

Sheriff's Department!

- Guten tag, guten tag, fun elf--

Fuck, it's you guys? -Yeah.

Several people from the County of Reno called us

that said they are missing their lawn or garden gnomes.

I'm gonna send down my... my protégé to speak with you.

What do you want? Ow... How can I help you?

The... The king doesn't talk to policemen.

Just say it to me and then I'll tell him later.

Do you want me to come up there?

I will take this right now. - We will... We will impound--

And you wonder why people don't love cops!

It's this! Because gnomes aren't safe.

Get down here now, Steve!

I'm a magical gnome. I'm the king of the gnomes.

And we, uh, declare this space safe

from American laws

because it's a magical fairyland.

Uh-huh. Why?

I'm a little off my court-ordered meds.

-Mm. Okay. -Okay.

So my wife was sleep eating last night.

She thought they were M&M's, she just chugged them all down.

- Sleep eating? - Yeah.

Well, she's, uh, blind. She's not really blind

but she's so fat that her face has kind of enveloped her eyes,

and she thought they were...

I don't know, some sort of candy treat, like--

- Does she live up here? - She's up there right now?

God, no, she can't leave the stairwell.

That's where we last got her stuck

so she's just right there in the stairway in my home.

I had to rent this from my gnome friends.

I feel like that's the most honest thing

you've ever said to us, ever. - Yeah.

No one knows who these gnomes belong to.

I... I found them... - Uh...

...on my neighbors' yards.

And-- - "Marsha Fairline."

We don't know if that's really her name.

D-- Please don't disturb that one.

"Terra Merryweather."

- Okay, I know-- - "Trudy Weigel."

All these white women... - Yeah.

...had their names on these gnomes.

It's a big mistake. I was off my meds.

I'm very sorry. - Let's go. Yeah.

Great. Wait. Wait, hold-- - I can't believe this.

Wha...

- Did you hear that? - I did hear it.

There is a little girl down there.

I threw her a rope a week ago and she refused to take it.

No, no, no! No! - Come on!

It's good to see you, man. It really is.

- Been a while! - It has been a bit.

Hey, hey, you guys know Joe Rogan, right?

- No! - Joe, come on out here!

Meet the gang! -Whoa!

- Wow! Wow! -[mumbles] Big fan!

Whoa, okay. - You heard his podcast?

- Oh, my gosh, the pod. - Oh, all right.

Some of them are verbose

and I tend to agree with almost half of it.

He's getting your guns right now.

Yeah, okay, that's great.

Joe and the squad, they're gonna keep you here...

Yep, okay.

...while me and you play a little game.

- Oh-ho-ho-ho-ho. - I hope it's not riddles.

- No riddles, please. - "The Most Dangerous Game."

Oh, no...

Remind me what that means.

At my age, almost anything. You know, my meniscus went.

So, uh, the... the Most Dangerous Game is, uh...

Well, it's when I hunt you down like an animal

and kill you.

But, uh, the good news...

the good news is, if there is a survivor,

I'm not saying there will be, but if there is,

the lucky contestant will get a beautiful,

commemorative copy of 20 Years of The Nuge.

-Oh! Whoa! -Wow!

It's got all the number ones.

How... How many number ones did you have?

Uh, nothing got higher than, um, 43.

But it's... Yeah...

- It's a beautiful frame. - Oh, my gosh, the frame!

Oh, isn't-- You'll enjoy the frame for years.

I'm gonna be there... -A-ha.

- ...you're gonna be here. -A-ha.

I'm gonna give you a little ring-a-ding

on the burner phone, you're gonna run.

I'll give you a little head start.

- A-ha. Okay. - It'll be fun!

We don't have to guess who y-you are this time.

Eh, there's only one person

who's gonna be calling on this phone.

Shit.

Run, libtards!

Come get some!

That tickle?

That was round one.

Now we use real bullets! - Jim, save yourself.

Save yourself, I'm not coming back for you!

Um, Travis... Travis, I'm Winnie the Pooh'ed, man.

I don't know what that means!

So...

...I came to Pegan Chicken today for lunch

which is what I always do everyday.

And I pulled up to the first window

and I ordered small fries,

small drink, hot wings,

no sauce, 'cause of my GERD and a toy.

And I didn't even specify boy or girl

'cause I didn't wanna cause a fuss.

And I waited... and I waited...

And then finally she brought my order--

But it wasn't... at all what I ordered.

And now I'm too afraid to eat it

because I don't know if she messed with it.

And that's really fucked up.

Because I do so much for this community.

I helped someone pull their hamster

out of a drain today, and it almost lived.

But nobody cares how hard I work.

Nobody cares.

All I wanted was just my hot wings.

And my fries.

And it-- Oh.

Oh, my hot wings... Just... They were on the bottom.

Yeah, this is my order.

This is what I ordered. It's just that there's two toys.

There were two toys in here and I had only ordered one.

So that's... that was very nice of her to do that.

It still doesn't explain why it took so long.

That's suspicious.

So now I'm still afraid to eat it.

These are so good.

Guys, it's so hard to be me these days.

I'm just a cop

trying to do a job...

...and enjoy my fries.

Is it too much to ask, America?

Oh, my God-- Oh, look at these. I got three toys.

These make me look like a cop.

Ah!

-Good morning... - Here they are.

...afternoon and evening.

I'm here representing the local chapter of the ACLU.

These are the member of Antifa

and this is their list of demands.

And thank you for coming, first of all.

Wow, you just get right to the point.

Absolutely. I don't have a lot of time to waste.

I've been diagnosed with something.

- Okay. - Okay. All right.

I love you, by the way.

I know it sounds like I'm yelling

but I love you!

First of all, officers should no longer carry guns

unless who you're carrying a gun against

is also given a gun.

We are suggestin' if you do not carry a gun

and bring them a gun,

then you wear a colorful sash... -Oh.

...with something on it like, "We're here to help."

"What can I do to help you?" "Our guns ain't fun."

"I'm your friend." "Let's be friends."

"How about we hug and/or shake this out?"

- No. That's a hard no. - Uh, no. Yeah.

That's a lot of words on one body.

On one sash?

You get to choose how many sashes you gonna wear

on any given day.

- No. No. - No... No, thank you.

You must admit that Alexandra Ocasio-Cortez

is a solid nine, an eight at the very least.

- I can go for that. No? - I can't give 'em that.

I can't give-- She's short. - She's gorgeous.

See, you can't someone a nine who's that short.

Did you see that video of her dancing?

Yeah, I did. Her moves are great.

But if you are gonna... That's it... Okay, a seven.

Do you believe that we're not gonna read this?

Is that why you're reading it to us?

- Absolutely. - Okay.

We got a call that some Proud Boys

are making a ruckus out here on the street.

They're supposed to be "patrolling the streets."

Uh, hello, that's what we do.

Hey, Garrett.

- Whoa, fancy meeting you here. - Yeah, very fancy.

Hey, keeping the... the streets safe and clean.

- That's what we're doing. - Yep.

- That's our job. - And it's all of our jobs.

-No. Yeah. - For real, our job.

So we got a report

that you guys... - What happened?

...are in a little bit of a mess here.

Hmm.

You're stuck. You could just say that.

I'm not sure what you're talking about.

I was just gonna try and put in a... a new clip,

and he bent over, and when I shouldn't and--

-That's gotta... - Okay. No, I see what it is.

It's just this one. Now you step through here.

Just stand down, stand down. -My nail! My nail!

- Okay, let go of that. - My grandmother gave me that.

No, no, no, I don't mean-- I'm not trying to take away the gun.

You're making it worse, by the way.

Hey, I got this one! Got this one.

Hey!

Good. Can someone cut me loose?

Oh, I'm gonna take this this way.

-Hi, guys. - And this...

Oh. - Did you call for backup?

I'm gonna maypole you guys.

- And I'm gonna separate... - Ooh.

- I don't know what that means. - Maypole? I'm gonna maypole.

Can I use that for a second? And it just as apply--

- This? Yeah. -I need a...

Yeah. I'm gonna pry. - Wait, we got that one out!

Don't get it back in! We got that one out.

- Okay, if you go up that way... -I'm gonna maypole it.

- AAh! Shit! - Sorry. Sorry.

Now go under here...

Whoa!

Was that me?

I'm gonna come down.

- You go under, go under! -Wait. Oh, my God. Wait.

Hey!

- All right. - You did it.

- That's great, buddy. -That's nice.

You got licenses for all these guns, right?

- Uh... - See ya.

- This is why we have this now. - I love that.

These cost a lot. I can't actually turn around.

Hang on, no, shit, I got it. - Can you turn it?

You need help? - ...give them a head start.

No, I want them to have a head start.

- All right, there we go. - When they go high, I come low.

"No more breaking heads, only breaking breads."

All cops must stop using nightsticks

and carry breadsticks to hand out to the homeless.

Boo!

You can boo me personally.

I've been booed. -Okay. Okay.

I was booed three times on the way up here.

A boo doesn't frighten me. -Wait.

I'm like a brave kid at Halloween.

Boos mean nothing to me.

Wait, did I see you last spring?

- Yes, you did. - You were... I... Uh... Uh...

Wha... Wha... You were doing some stand-up comedy?

- I was doing stand-up comedy. - Yeah!

- Well, I was already a lawyer-- - Yeah.

But I was doing stand-up comedy.

I saw... I...

- I saw you booed! I-- - You remember this line...

"What do I have in common with... with... with alcoholics?

I never passed the bar--"

'Cause I was a lawyer and I failed the bar.

I don't get it but I love your enthusiasm.

- Another demand! - Okay.

"All cops in order to be well-rested and peaceful

must reduce their shifts to eight hours

with a solid one hour sit-down lunch everyday."

- Yeah. Yeah. Okay. - Yeah. Yeah, we'll take that.

Agreeing to that means that you agree

to all the other demands.

- Whatever - Yeah. Yeah.

That's fine, great.

Hey, be careful on the way out,

there's a booby-trap set on your right-hand side.

- Okay. - Okay, yeah.

- Oh, shit, Frank, look out. - Aah! Look out!

Whoa!

Tear gas, pepper spray, hand sanitizers?

There's not enough room on my belt!

There's gotta be a better way.

Now there is.

It's the latest advancement from Policetek.

It's a tear gas and hand sanitizer.

It kills 99 out of 100 germs. And it takes out peaceful pro--

Violent protesters like a pack of pit bulls.

Shit!

Not only that, it's a hell of an antiperspirant.

- A-ha-ha. - Ho-ho. Whoo!

Wow, it kills those stubborn germs

that cause distasteful body odor.

- Mmm. Peppery. - Mm.

-We call it Brut-ality. -[coughs] Brut-ality.

It's the tear gas, hand sanitizer, antiperspirant

we've all been waiting for.

For the new reality, we need some...

Brut-ality.

Uh... It spices up taco night, too.

Oh!

- You okay? He's okay. - Yeah!

Milk! Give me some milk!

Sir, let's deescalate this.

- Deescalate this. - Deescalate.

- No, we're not doing this. - No, no, no, no!

No, no, no, no, no! No!

-Oh, God. Put it away. -Put that away.

- You, you... No, no, no, no. - No, no, no, no, no.

- Oh, gross. Gross. - Hey, hey.

- No. - Use your words.

- Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey! -No, no, no, no, no!

Slow down! No! Slow down! No!

No, no, no!

- Hey, no. No. Ugh. -No. No.

- Look out! - No!

-Sir... -Hey!

-Call security! -No. No.

-Whoa. -Hey!

Call security on this dude, man.

Don't take him on! No!

Son of a bitch! - Whoa!

-Hold on! - Do not go back outside.

- Look out! Look out! - Get out of the way!

Hey! Hey! Oh! -Sir! Sir!

O-ho! Oh!

Ah!

Camera.

I lost him.

It smells like balls out here.

That's right!

Say, Amy Coney Barrett!

What, what! Amy, what!

Coney-- Oh, hey! -Hey!

Dangle? -Are you guys signing up?