Original subtitles

♪ MTV ♪

Damn, son.

Bruce Wayne, how you doing today?

Can I see your pilot's license?

I'ma need you to step out of the car for me.

Whoo!

Ah!

Oh!

Holy shit!

Go!

- Good morning. - Morning.

- Morning.

The PC police have cracked their whip again.

Did everybody read the memo?

- What is that? - Well, the old targets,

we can't use them anymore, from the ring.

- Oh, come on. - Why?

And there's--I don't feel like there's anything wrong

with most of them, like this guy.

Ah, ugh! We can't shoot at that?

I thought he was like, kind of like, cool wolf guy.

- You see a wolf there? - More than that.

I see a weird, scary moose lamb, yeah.

Come on.

Who wouldn't want to shoot that?

Who wouldn't want to shoot that?

This is what I get.

Because the Chinese did great things for Nevada,

and remember how we stopped

vilifying the Chinese in general?

It's the policy that we say... - Yeah.

Thank you to our beautiful Chinese citizenry.

I always thought that he was a Filipino.

- This guy? - Yeah.

He's not Chinese.

He's a China man in a--in a sombrero.

Who built our beautiful railroads.

We could keep this one and just say like, "Thanks, China."

This one was always like, you know...

That's just D'Angelo with a shirt on.

- I don't know who that is. - Remind me?

Remember he did the video

where he was almost naked in it?

Yes. Oh, my gosh, that guy.

That's not R. Kelly.

- D'Angelo. - Really?

Who's the guy that hides in the closet

with Bridget the Midget?

- R. Kelly. - That's not D'Angelo.

- No. - That's not D'Angelo.

- Then who is this? - D'Angelo!

Today, we are here to make a difference.

Nobody likes seeing rollers in their back window.

We're gonna change that right now.

So instead of a moving violation ticket, this is a...

- Movie ticket. - Moving picture ticket.

Moving picture ticket.

So the good people at New Line

gave us a bunch of free tickets.

Maybe they're trying to get rid of them, I don't know.

J.Lo and Awkwafina.

Awkwafina.

Yeah.

- Keegan-Michael Key. - Yep.

And the frown emoji are all in this picture.

- I can't wait. - You know what?

The frown emoji just is his own character now.

Yeah, I'm gonna take a couple of these for myself.

Yeah, you bet you-- I bet you will.

So instead of ruining his morning,

we're gonna make his day.

Turn that frown upside down, huh?

- Let's do it. - Ready?

both: Surprise!

Oh, shit.

Son of a fart.

Hang on. - He's dead.

Ah, shit. - Hey, guys.

We have a cardiac stroke.

We're at Reese Witherspoon and 8th.

I guess we have a heart attack.

I guess you have to send--

At, uh...

At the intersection of-- maybe it's 4th.

They renamed all the streets. It's so confusing.

So yeah, this is Reese Witherspoon Avenue.

- Yeah, and then... - Yeah, and it goes up

to Jar Jar Binks Place at the end there.

- That was a fucking-- - It was a bad idea.

I said it at the time.

All the [indistinct] came in and they're like,

"Adopt the street, adopt the street,"

and we just went with fucking anybody.

Jar Jar Binks.

Good morning, prince charming.

You remember why we pulled you in here?

You wanna remind me, blue eyes?

You, uh, you flunked a field sobriety test

and we impounded you, Harley.

Oh, shit.

Can I ask you a question? - Sure.

You really a cop,

or are you a movie star doing research to play a cop?

Yeah, listen.

There's no need to flirt with me, all right?

Even though you-- you do tick off about

three of the boxes of the type of guy I like.

If I could do magic,

I'd put you and me in a genie bottle--

cast us off to sea...

And have us wash up,

Los Cabos,

mid-December, blue...

both: Whale migration season.

Exactly.

Whisk off to Sammy Hagar's for some peel and eating shrimp

and then some clamato margatinis.

You had me at cla-mah-to margatinis.

You say cla-mah-to.

I say clamato.

And you know what I would say if I were a blue whale?

Mm-mm?

Mmm.

Sheriff's Department.

Oh. Hello.

- Hey, bud. - Oh, wow.

- Morning. - Mike.

- Hey. - Is this your place, Mike?

Yes. Welcome to my new place.

Yeah.

- That is a very strange... - Yeah.

- Isn't that question? - You called 911?

Could--it could have been

the De--Dennis.

- Dennis - De--Dennis.

Dennis, is that the guy in the bear suit's, Dennis?

No. I don't know him or her.

Thank you for being sexist. Me too.

- You said his name was Dennis. - Welcome to cancel culture.

It could be a female bear.

Mike, think back and tell us,

can you remember anything, why we should stay here.

I was concerned about a bottom, a nude bottom.

Oh.

You don't know this guy? - I don't know that bottom.

And I don't know where that dirty bottom came from.

Hello? You don't know this gentleman?

It's--well, I call him Dennis.

- Dennis. - Sir.

- Dennis. - Sir, is your name Dennis?

Dennis!

Sir, you want to turn around here?

Mi nombre es Denis y no hablo inglés.

- I think he's French. - Dangle?

- I know that anywhere. - Jim, it's not you, is it?

No. And here's why.

Oh.

- And here's why. - Yeah.

- Can I have a moment please? - Yep.

We are judging you, though. That's all.

Oh, because I'm the only grown man in this room

who ever got himself,

Winnie The Pooh-ed in a glory hole.

I'm not on trial here!

- No. - No.

This is--I thought this was America,

the last time I checked.

It is America, last time he checked!

Do you want us to get your dick

out of the door or-- or what's going on?

- Try that. - All right.

One, two.

- I have a question. - Cherisha.

Is your member tumescent at this moment?

- Sorry? - What?

- What's the word now? - Is your dick hard?

Do you think my softie got stuck?

- Well, let's see if we can-- - Can you jimmy it?

- Let's get--oh. - Oh.

all: Oh!

Oh, oh!

- Okay. - Oh!

Oh.

Careful.

Okay. One, two, three.

Turn, turn.

All right, you're good. - Very calm.

All right. Just a little bit. Just a little bit.

We got it. We got it.

We got it.

Jim, get your fingers off the wall.

This is it--the bummer is this

is the second time this has happened.

- We got it. - Oh, come on.

Good morning.

My name is Lieutenant James Ron Dangle

of the Reno Sheriff's Department.

A statement that I made on what was--

what's called a hot microphone--

this has gone around on social media

and in the fake news media.

And it sounds like I referred

to the Reno City Council as the Klan.

And I said I would no sooner, uh,

shake hands with most of the Reno City Council

as I would with the Klan.

Now, I think

anyone who knows me knows full well,

when I say that, that I was referring to RZA,

GZA, Ghostface Killah,

Old Dirty Bastard, aka, Big Baby Jesus.

I meant the Wu-Tang Cl-- the wonderful,

precious, precious Wu-Tang Clan.

So if I ever said,

oh, the Reno City Council is the clan,

that's gotta be--that's gotta be seen as a positive.

Why don't you have a wedding ring?

I had one, you know, but I messed up.

I think I got hitched a little too early.

We had this little girl, and...

- Well, kids ruin everything. - Mm-hmm.

I didn't know my dad.

Anyway, all I know about him is he, uh,

he's really hot and he had the strangest tattoo.

It's like, "Fuck Newt Gingrich" right here.

- Fuck... - "Fuck Newt Gingrich."

Did you say "Fuck Newt Gingrich"?

Yes.

You mean like this "Fuck Newt Gingrich" tattoo?

Oh!

Gross.

I guess some of that got awful weird, huh?

It's fine.

Well, I didn't know you was my little girl.

Yeah, we didn't know. We didn't know.

No, we didn't know.

Anything I said to you as a whale, I take back.

I'm sorry, baby.

I'm sorry I was a deadbeat.

You know that Harley I got parked outside?

I want you to have it.

No, I can't let you do that. Are you sure?

I'm su--baby.

You got to let me do this for you.

Fuck Newt Gingrich. That's what it says.

Yeah. Fuck him for all of time.

- Morning, gang.

I know there has been a lot of, um,

sort of Monday morning quarterbacking

about the altercation.

Legal and H&R,

and, well, the attorneys here

have gotten us all the footage.

You let him go.

Stop!

No, dude.

Hey, man, you're gonna get in trouble.

- Oh, boy. - What're you doing?

- It ain't worth it, dude. - Get off of her!

Get the fuck off of...

- Yeah. - Oh.

Oh, man.

- Oh! - Oh!

Oh.

I think this is all one big family.

People said all these folks came in the same minivan.

Do you think the fight came up at the store

or they went to the store to have the fight?

Oh, this is a great-- this is a great chicken.

Ah.

The doctor said you have a hairline fracture.

- I know. - You turn one too many times,

your head's gonna snap.

Put her down!

Put her down!

Back up. Back up, everybody. Back up.

Help! Help! Help!

- Where did Trudy-- - Where did Trudy even go?

Get your ass down there!

Well, at first, I thought I could get away

from it all by, um,

by--as you can see, pretending to be a mannequin.

- Is that you? - Mm-hmm.

- So you took off all your clothes?

- I made a pretty convincing underwear mannequin.

Oh, my--oh. Trudy, Trudy!

Rizzo's peeing a little bit right there.

Yeah, well, that's been an issue for me for a long time.

Oh, that was unrelated to the chuckle.

That was unrelated.

Time out, family. Everybody keep--

- Oh, ooh.

He was twisting my scrotum and then I got him in the face.

Well, right in the mouth, man.

That guy could pro wrestle.

He's got the right build. - Big guy.

- Get your hands off--

- Hey. - Hands off me!

- - What's up, what's up?

- This starts off good. She's--she's doing well here.

- Yeah.

- There's a version of Zumba where you fight.

- Jazz tap-bone. - Yeah.

Oh!

- You-- - I tried to save you here.

You come in and you got this guy real good with a bat,

but that guy was saving my life.

- Oh. - Oh!

I was--I was--

I fell back to regroup with a churro,

and it went down the wrong pipe.

And that underwear guy was--

No, no, he does-- he saves your life.

Look at that.

Yeah, the one guy you took out,

he was actually a-- it was friendly fire.

You fucking white-ass, fucking trick. Yeah!

What did you do to make the little midget so mad?

I really don't know-- oh, no, wait, wait.

all: Oh.

Apparently dragging me

damaged that scooter a little bit.

- Oh, yeah. - So I guess I gotta--

the station has to reimburse her for that.

So what does it mean when you're--when you're trending?

The Reno Sheriff's Department was trending

when this was happening, is that good?

- Oh, detergent. - Bleach.

That's just straight up bleach, I guess.

What do you call that?

Were you conscious for that?

Might've been some version of like, Borax--ah!

- Ah! - Don't turn.

It says on the box, "Don't put that in your eyes."

- Yeah. - Yeah.

Wait a second.

You were there too though.

Why do you--why are you totally unscathed?

- Oh. - Hero.

- Oh. - Oh.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

I mean, I guess, the answer is,

we're gonna see all these people again in court

'cause we're suing them, so...

How do you like my new bike?

That wasn't my dad.

I'm not that gross. Come on.

I saw that tattoo when he was booked and I thought,

well, I'm gonna have a little fun with him.

And just for the record, my dad owns an erotic puppet theater

in Tallahassee and has to stay at least

1,000 yards away from me at all times.

Hello, my name is Nora and I'm 85 years young.

Did you know that in Washoe County,

a senior citizen is the subject of physical or emotional abuse

every seven minutes?

That means that the "proba-ba-lility" is high

that--that you know some-- - No, no.

Stop. Stop!

What's the word?

Which word?

The one you fucked up.

I did--did I--did I--

You didn't notice that you fucked up?

No, I didn't notice. I didn't--

So you didn't-- so you missed a part.

Let me roll back the tape.

The fuck was that?

- In which-- - Probability. Probability.

- Oh. - Probability.

- Oh. - Now you're scared.

- No. - No, no, no.

You're not scared of me. - No.

You're just a scared little old lady.

- Yes. - Somebody's gonna crack you.

- Yes. - Yeah. Okay?

- Okay. - So.

Probability, probability.

And-- - Hello.

Are you just gonna go whenever you want?

No, I'm sorry. No, no, no, I'll wait.

It's okay. I'm not--

Francisco, I'm not mad at you.

She's just fucking-- you're fucking me!

You're fucking me.

Come here. Come here.

Come here. Come here.

Are you crying? - No.

Okay. Don't fucking cry.

- No, I won't. - Don't you cry.

No.

Did you know that in Washoe County,

a senior citizen is the subject of physical or emotional abuse

every seven minutes?

That means that the "probababili"--

Fuck it! Fuck it!

I swear to God, I want to--

I want to kill you right now so bad.

Let's do one just for fun.

A senior citizen is the subject of physical

or emotional abuse every seven minutes.

Well, that means that the--

Probability!

Probability is high

that you know someone

who has been abused by someone.

That's why help is always there

if you call the Reno Sheriff's Department.

Because we care.

We have to care.

In order to--to get certified to use a taser,

you have to get tasered.

So this is for--for Garcia here, but you gotta loosen up.

I don't know why it has to be me.

Taser day, Taser day.

all: Taser day, Taser day, Taser day.

- How about-- - No, no.

Of course, I'm not gonna-- wait, are we good?

No. No, I won't.

- Loosen up. - Come on.

Do we have any towels in case of a poopy time?

- Did you shit already? - No. Nobody told me to.

- Oh, you should shit-- - Hey, I'm behind this.

If he gonna evacuate himself, I don't want to be here.

- Well, he's got-- - Got your boots on?

You got your boots on.

I know I'm not gonna take it today, but I did take

a really big shit this morning. So just for the record,

if anyone needs to write anything down about that.

Do I do it? Do I do it?

- Tase her face. - Tase her face.

all: Tase her face. Tase her face.

That was so sad.

- Yeah. - Oh, my God.

I was half hoping you would just--

I know. God, that was--Jesus Christ.

That might've been the saddest thing I've ever seen.

All right. All right?

All right, loosen up. You can do it.

Now I'm really gonna do it with no warning.

- No. - Funf.

That's so confusing.

Whoa!

Dang it. Dang it. Oh, dang it. He's arcing.

Am I not supposed to keep doing that?

No, no, no, no. all: No, no, no, no.

What time did the train come through?

Does anybody know?

Hey, guys, let me get a shot of you

before we get into the whole thing.

- Okay, yeah. - Yeah.

Get in.

We hardly ever get pictures of ourselves.

Hey, buddy, get this.

all: Cheese. - Okay.

Okay. You weren't ready?

- I was blinking. - Hey, do me a favor.

Stand there and flag the light. I'm getting like a shine.

Get it over there so your shadow falls on it.

I feel like we're really getting wrapped around

the wheel on taking beautiful photographs.

Yeah, I don't think they have to be that nice. I think--

- Hey, hey, hey, get in there. - Hang on. Hang on. Hang on.

- Somebody's phone. - Look, look, look.

- Oh. - Okay.

Oh. Look at that.

all: Ooh.

They're all singing in the car, little dress ups.

- Oh. - Oh, it's like they were doing

that little car sing-along thing.

That is, I would guess from a cavity.

I was gonna say, Skimbleshanks.

No, Skimbleshanks is the railway cat.

And is this Rum Tum Tugger then?

Or what--what is this for? - Rum Tum Tugger was vibing.

- Why are you naming the guy? - I don't know.

Well, this is--I'm just calling out the makeup.

Was that there the whole time?

- Yeah. - All of them. What's that?

- That's another full cadaver. - Is that Snarf?

- Two, three-- - Is that Snarf?

- What do you got? - Bustopher Jones.

I mean, there's no question. That's him.

Yeah.

He's with his top hat and spats.

Is there ever a version of Rum Tum Tugger

that's like sleeveless 'cause he's so sexy?

'Cause I got a unsleeved arm over here.

You know, I feel like the moral of the story is,

not everyone is built to be able to wear a unitard.

- Oh, my gosh, you're right. - I think that's truer words.

With--with great unitards comes great responsibility.

- Mr. Mistoffelees. - Mr. Mistoffelees.

Oh, my God.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Oh, no.

- No, no, no, no, no. - Aww, man.

No, no.

God damn it!

Why!

Okay, the actors in the leotards

are starting to smell like shit.

Let's get them out of here. - Yeah.

Do you want to load them,

or do you want to burn them here?

I guess technically we're supposed

to probably not burn them onsite.

Hey, Frank, once I--

just, just go to color bars for a second.

What to call our feline friend,

whose name we did not know?

When we meet on the other side of the rainbow bridge,

I will call you good kitty.

Good, good kitty.

Go now...

into your tenth life.

Sergeant.

Company, attention!

Port up!

Aim!

Fire!

Aim!

Fire!

Aim! Fire!

Aim! Fire!

Aim!

Fire!

It's supposed to be 21, 22...

Oh, one more. 21.

Right? Got it. - Yeah.