Original subtitles

♪ MTV ♪

You guys remember how it goes?

- Yeah. - Okay. Let's rehearse it

one time. - ♪ We've got a little tyke ♪

♪ We're birthday spooks, we're gonna ♪

♪ Spook your place ♪

♪ We're gonna make you scream ♪

♪ We're doing a spooky dance ♪

- Okay, shh, shh. - ♪ The little tykes ♪

All right. All right.

Ready?

♪ Happy birthday ♪

Get outta my house!

Get outta here!

That's it, you better run, you sons of bitches!

Damn.

A prank.

This is like the best birthday I ever had.

Whoo!

Ah!

Ohh!

Oh, shit!

- Good morning. - How are you?

Good morning.

From Carson, I don't know who did this.

We're all--everybody's supposed to get--the new

gender pronoun tags are here, but--

- We're to pick a new? - I don't know what the policy,

if you have to, or if you're allowed to.

- Zur, zim, zee. - Zur.

Can we put it anywhere? 'Cause I want mine, like, low.

Well, I feel like if you're down there,

they know your gender, probably.

Do I put this above or below my big old dick?

Ew, we're donuts, you pig.

How dare you?

That's hate speech.

All right. Anyway, you know,

at some point, please pick a gender.

He's taking money out of the hate speech jar.

They're allowed. They actually are allowed.

It's called reparations, they're allowed to.

There's been a major, major problem

with the raccoon population, as everybody knows,

and we could not get the urine we were trying to get,

the fox and bear urine.

The budget got rejected,

but I think Jeffy, our private security guy,

seems to have an update on it.

Jeffy! Hey, Jeffy!

Why can't we just call him on the radio?

- Hey, Jeffy. - Yes, sir.

Was there an update on the raccoon situation?

So what we're finding is there's a lot of heavy traffic

outside with the street,

so a lot of the raccoons and critters

are actually being forced into the lot.

And of course, a lot of you litter pretty recklessly.

So we've kind of almost sent an invite.

A good example with the raccoons would be akin

to like a teenager.

The traffic outside is an abusive stepfather.

The littering, that's-- that's rock and roll.

That's given them an outlet.

So you're saying the raccoons is kind of

our--we've--we're hoist on our own Picard, right?

We're the manufacturers of our own prisons.

Don't throw trash in the parking lot.

Is that basically where we're going with it?

Hey. I'm in a limo, sort of car.

Hi. - Hi.

- Just twerking in a limo. - Ohh.

- Twerking in a limo. - Don't hate.

- Don't hate. - Don't hate.

That's not safe.

Do I have taffy in my teeth? - Yes.

Oh, my God. Quite a bit. - Well, get it.

- I can't-- - Oh, shit, guys, guys.

Cut that shit out. You want to bullet in my head?

- No, sir. - No, sir. Sorry, sir.

Decoy is called Disco Duck, all right?

- So he's not the real one? - He's not the real Bernie.

We're going to take the real Bernie off stage...

- Okay. - Through the back.

You're going to take the Disco Duck

through the front so everybody can see him,

cause a distraction.

You understand? - Yes, sir.

- That guy was cool. - That guy was so fucking cool.

That guy was fuckin' cool, man.

Wow.

Disco Duck.

Oh, my gosh. Wow.

- How are you doin'? - You're not--

- Pleasure to meet you, Bernie. - All right.

Your country depends on you. - Check.

All right.

Hey, how are you guys?

Can I--so we can talk to you really?

- Yeah, of course you can. - Okay.

- I'm just a guy-- - 'Cause that guy was--

- Oh, God, it felt weird. - I'm just an actor

from LA, just-- - Wow!

- That's--wow. - Wow.

Oh, I thought he recognized you.

I don't know if you're fans of "Hogan's Heroes."

Who isn't?

Like, come on. No.

I was an extra a lot on that show.

That's where I've seen you.

Yeah, I got to be really good friends with one Robert Crane.

Whoa!

- Wow. - What a great--

if you know anything about-- - I don't,

but he sound--I heard, I mean, he seems amazing.

He was so--I wondered what happened to him

'cause he was so good on that show.

He got killed by a good friend of his.

- Oh. - Me, him and Schultz, right?

- Oh, Schultz. - You know Sergeant Schultz?

- Oh, my-- - Yeah, yeah.

Oh, no, no, no, I don't know anything.

We used to galivant around Sunset Boulevard.

- No. Oh, wow. - Wow.

Having so much sex.

No, I'm talking about just blow job.

Bum, bum, bum, bum, bum.

Hey, you guys like to party?

You guys like to party a little bit?

Uh, we'll just look-- I'm gonna look over here.

Oh!

Yow!

We need to serve a warrant.

Someone skipped bail. We know he owns this locker.

So we're here looking for clues.

Let's go.

Do it. Sheriff's Department.

- Whoo. - You know, I have thought

about doing this myself

because my association fees have gotten insane.

Oh, hello.

Holy shit!

Oh!

Oh, my God. - Sometimes this happens, and--

All right.

- Found property. - Yeah.

We don't have to talk about that.

Look at this. - Oh.

- Look that. - You know what?

- That's a beautiful wreath. - I--it's not as pretty

as the one you made me. - Well.

- A lot of people-- - I love making wreaths

during Christmastime. - Yeah.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God!

Oh! Oh, my God, yes.

Let it rain on you.

- Let it rain over-- - We're on camera.

Okay. Okay.

We're cool, right? - Hold on.

Everybody be cool, okay?

You want a little? Just-- - There's more where

that came from if you shut the hell up.

Let's just be cool, everyone.

I can start my business, my berry business.

- Hold on. - You know that business

I've told you about where I'd like to

make berries for hats... - Yes.

For women. I can start that now.

- Jonesy. - Oh, my God.

I want this for you. I want this for you.

I want this for me, too. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah!

Yes! Yes!

Sleep in the rain, baby.

Sleep in the rain.

Oh, my God!

Party favors. Yeah, take it.

Yeah, it's fine. It's fine. We're not--

Just be cool. Do you know how fucking hot you are rich?

Do you? Do you?

I'm becoming the woman I was always meant to be.

How do you get the decoy work?

I happened to be in the right place

at the right time, my friend.

I did Biden when he was VP. - You did Biden?

The late Joe McCarthy who ran the blacklist--

Wonderful guy.

Okay, guys, 30 seconds to Disco Duck.

- Oh. - 30 seconds to Disco Duck.

- Wow. Okay. - Thank God. Okay.

- He's really with you, right? - 25 seconds.

Look, I'm going to take a little hit.

- I'm gonna look away. - Okay, okay.

- We've got 10 seconds! - Oh!

- Disco Duck. - Yes, sir!

- Okay, okay! - Here we go.

- Ahh! - You kinda have a--

You're sure you're good? 'Cause that was kind of a lot.

Okay. Here we go.

Here he is, everybody.

Just move him. Just moving him. That's him.

Nothing to see here.

- I am the real Bernie. - That's him.

That's him. - I am the real Bernie.

Great.

Shit! Shit!

- Oh, we gotta go. - Shit.

Did it look like--

We got the EpiPen or anything?

He's not breathing.

- Oh, he's dead. - Oh, God!

We were in a car with a dead guy!

We're in so much trouble.

Let me just call the secret service.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

Check it out. Check it out. Check it out.

- That's me! - Look. Oh, my God.

- That's you! - Hey, we're on the news!

Look at that, wow. - Wow.

Oh, we're also on this one.

"Bernie Sanders collapses dead

in Reno-Sparks Convention Center."

Let's dump him. Let's just dump him.

Let's just push him out of the car.

We're in Sparks now a little bit.

If Sparks SD finds a body-- - Not our problem.

- With my fingerprints on him? - Oh, fuck.

Sorry, sir.

- Shit. - Okay. I got it.

I'll hold on to it. I'll hold on to it.

I'll put it in evidence. - Okay.

Does anybody know what these are?

- Oh, wow, that's amphetamine. - Oh, yeah, no, no, no.

I take these. - Yeah.

- Yeah, I take these. - Those are like

mama's little helper. - They're mama's little helper.

- Don't know if anyone wants-- - Never doing that.

Pulled these off of him earlier.

This will help carry him, if we're gonna--

We're gonna carry him.

If we're gonna carry him 40 feet, I'm just saying--

Sorry.

Okay.

Yeah, let's do it. Whoo!

Bernie, Bernie, Bernie, Bernie, Bernie, Bernie!

Hey! Hey, hey!

Yay!

Go, go, go, go, go, go.

Holy shit, Susan Sarandon.

So again, we have six bags full of cash,

two for each of us if you shut up.

Don't fuckin' blow this, okay?

- Don't blow this. - We all fake our deaths,

and we all meet each other in Seattle.

Or we don't know each other forever.

That's fine too.

More money, more money, more money.

Holy fuck!

- Oh! Oh! - No, no, no!

No, no! - Ahh!

What the--stay! - Hey!

both: Stay! Stay!

How did I get into this bag, man?

I don't know.

Oh, my God. You guys find my counterfeit money.

Uh-huh. - Oh.

Hey, Jeffy.

Hey, is that-- is that Katherine Heigl?

Ah!

I don't know who that is.

I can't thank you enough

for helping me put together that bookcase.

Stop it. It was nothing.

A bookcase, a schmook case.

Now I have another favor to ask you.

- What's that? - I bought a gazebo kit. Yeah.

Is this one you were telling me about?

Yeah, it's the best one you can buy.

- You pulled the trigger. - It's all plastic.

- Yeah. - It's got about 1,200 screws

and no directions.

- Can I give a belated yes? - Absolutely.

You can get back to me on that. Fax me later.

Fax.

That's like the kids say today, fax me later.

Fax me later.

Send it to my people. I'm too busy for that.

I've got people for my people.

Oh! - You are--and you probably

hear it all the time-- you're the funniest person

I've ever met.

- I hear that a lot. - Yeah.

The only person who ever made me laugh growing up was--

Gallagher.

I've been saving up for seven years to get front row

under that piece of plastic, watermelon in my face.

See, that's the difference between us.

You're an intellectual.

Don't sell yourself short.

I went through the seventh grade,

so I have, you know, quite a bit of knowledge.

Oh, this is incredible. Yeah.

Please, please bring him back here.

Please bring him back here

since you couldn't deal with it yourself.

Gentlemen, gentlemen, as soon as you--

- What, man? - No, come on, now, please.

Come on. As soon as you hear my story,

you're gonna be like, "Oh, my God,

my heart breaks for you."

Okay. Here's the thing.

Did I ask for this plane to be landed?

Yes. That's off the table.

That's a non-issue.

I did do that. I'm casual.

I'm thinking I usually time these things out great.

You know, like I have-- I don't have a meal.

- You time what out? - What did you time?

Let me get to it. Medical emergency!

I can't take a shit on this plane.

And they said-- - That's why--

By a show of hands, who here

doesn't wanna take a dump in a public place?

Oh, all liars. - By show of hands,

who here wants us to take this nut job off the plane?

Oh, please. There we go. Wait. No, no!

- That's it. - They won, Andrew, they won.

You know what, you can take me off.

That's what I wanted in the first place,

to get off the flight.

Y'all giving me what I want! Ha ha!

Good morning. I know 3:05 AM is very early to start these,

so I appreciate everybody being on time,

but I thought we should just start like we always do.

Since the federal government is here,

I pledge allegiance like we do every day.

- Right. - Oh.

I don't remember the tune.

Fuck it. Here's the guy.

So we're here to talk about camera awareness training--

the dos and don'ts on how to be the best cops you can be.

All right? So I'm gonna throw a series of scenarios at you

and I want you to respond how you normally would.

What we're about to do is a bit of a role play. Yes?

- Go do it. - You are the baby's mother.

- Ew! - Must be adopted.

Well, I don't know nothing 'bout birthing no babies.

That's was good one, right?

Now I ain't gonna be telling you--keep crying,

keep crying and see what you get. Huh?

- That was good. - Okay.

Just hold on to that baby for now, okay?

Now I need somebody else to try

to take the baby from the mom. - Me, me, me!

- Get it, get it. - Get that baby.

Now we're getting somewhere.

- Here's the thing. - Yeah.

Babies are not as fragile

as everybody thinks they are, all right?

I know this for a fact. - It's got my nip!

It's got my nip! Ahh! - Get it. Get it.

She got my nip!

She got my nip! - What I call shocking

the baby to safety.

Punch her in the nip!

- Get it! - Boom.

You should have caught it.

It's not breathing,

but it's safer there than it is with her.

- All I wanted is my baby! - Am I right or am I right?

All right, come on.

Okay. We did it. Can we go home now?

That was a trick question

because you may never take a child from their own mother.

Don't you toss a baby from its mother.

No Instagramming. Why am I doing this?

Hey, Jeffy. I'm sorry to bother you.

- What? Anything. - We're having a big debate

in here, everybody's arguing.

And we decided that you could be the deciding answer for us.

What's seven times four?

28 on a good day, maybe every day.

Shit.

Thanks, Jeffy. - What did they say?

7, 14, 14--it's 28.

Okay. So I think we all want to thank what's his face.

And I would like to say right now,

if somebody on an open microphone called you

Dinky Farrakhan,

and if somebody wrote on your car...

- It was you. - "Mexican Farrakhan

by any beans necessary,"

that was not-- I don't know who did that.

Can you write the word beans on this board for me, please?

Sure.

- No, no, no, come here. - Case closed.

No, beans. Beans.

B-E-A-N-S.

That should be an A.

I'm 100% sure it's you, but I just need to know

if you know how to spell the word beans.

A-- - Now you offended him.

Thanks a lot. - Wow.

Well, it's going to be a fun office party

and everyone's going to get a huge kick

out of my Michael Jackson costume.

Now, just a little Black face to make it perfecto.

Blackface was a great tradition in America,

but the last time it was done legally

was when Billy Crystal was alive.

And Blackface is a big no go

in the county of Washoe.

But how will folks know

I'm supposed to be Michael Jackson?

They won't, because you can't do Blackface, man.

Just remember the flow chart.

What if I'm going to a political rally

and I want to look like Barack Obama?

Does it involve putting shoe polish

on your face to make it brown?

Yes, and the tan suit.

Then it's a firm no.

You just kept my night

from being as Michael Jackson would say...

both: Bad.

Hey, Jeffy.

Oh, hey.

- Hey, it's Dangle. - Yeah, I know.

Are the skateboard guys out there?

The skateboard--oh, no, those critters went back

to their charter school, hopefully.

Oh, man. Whoo.

They're so disruptive.

They're so--I'm not, I mean, I'm not--I'm not--I'm not even

scared of them, but it's just like--

Did you say you're scared of them?

They can be pretty mean, you know.

It's just sometimes, you know,

I'll be--I'll be biking by or something like that.

And they'll yell something at me, you know.

You know, my gut has been feeling really good.

Oh, did you try the probiotic?

I did. I did, yeah.

I appreciate you're actually giving them a chance.

A lot of people think it's a bunch of hippie feed.

No, I have felt--I felt--

One, I'm sleeping better.

Did you also look at my sleep chart?

The sleep schedule.

I did. I did. So I take the probiotics

and I have the chart you laminated for me.

- Yeah, the wheel. - The wheel, the sleep wheel.

And I think I'm doing it.

I'm not sure if I'm doing exactly right.

I don't like waking up three times a night,

but it's necessary to get on the schedule.

- Yeah, yeah. - So go to bed at 9:00,

after the tea and the probiotics.

Tea, probiotics at 9:00.

Wake up 11:15, you think, oh, what a great nap.

That one I've been nailing. Okay.

You're back in bed by 11:40.

Yep.

You wake up at 2:00 to defecate.

- Yep, okay. - You go back to bed

after defecating,

and you have a dream about a loved one.

You wake up by 5:00, you're gold.

Right. I'm surprised that you listen

to this radio show, by the way.

This guy, it's just a lot of stuff that's oof.

I listen to it just to be informed.

It's about a circumference of thought.

I'm not alt-right. - No.

I feel I should know what they--what they do.

Right. Because the enemy of my enemy--

Is my friend. You read the book.

You gave it to--you gave me a copy of this.

Yeah, I didn't expect you to read it, though.

Yeah, "The Art of War" by Sun--Sun--

To mispronounce it is almost to unread the book.

- So don't say it. - Don't do it.

- Don't even say it. - Hey, Jeffy.

I love you. I love you, Jeffy.

I love you, too.

Said it back.