Original subtitles

♪ MTV ♪

Oh! Ah!

Ah, damn it.

Sheriff's Department!

Ding dong.

Sheriff's Department.

Please don't report your doorbell camera crimes

unless they're actually crimes next time, please.

Sheriff's Department.

Hello, hello, hello?

Why?

Whoo!

Ah!

Ohh!

Oh, shit!

Good morning, gang.

- Morning. - Morning.

By a show of hands,

who thinks Trudy has something in her belly button right now?

I smell it.

Well, jokes on you because it's a Pez.

- Can I check it? - It is a Pez.

- How is it a joke on us? - How is it a joke on us, yeah.

Because you made it, like,

oh, there probably is something in there.

Well, I got there ahead of you thinking ahead of you

and I specifically put a Pez in my belly button

before I came to work today.

And the whole month before that just in case you did say that.

So I have had a sweaty Pez in my belly button

for the last month and a half.

So jokes on you. Touché.

In your faces. All of your faces.

In your face, especially.

Right in your big fat face.

What a burn.

Yeah, it was a pretty sick burn.

When you don't want to have that sports equipment

all of the time, the Sports Porcupine

has plenty of quills on which to hang it.

If you have so much sports memorabilia--

That you don't want it at home for no reason.

That's right.

That you don't want to get rid of it.

Can I tell you something?

When they subsidized us with these new technology companies

we're not getting the peak of the litter.

No.

Sports Porcupine? Laundry Maniac?

Travis is right, that Laundry Maniac guy is indicted.

- Wow. - Damn.

I'm a little disappointed in the state of Nevada

for giving away these business licenses.

- Right, right. - By the way,

What did they reject?

Yeah, I know.

And I say, like, hey, guys.

please don't make me mention Sticky Dicks,

the dating service for guys who don't wanna

remember anything tomorrow.

I don't feel like we should be even

associated with that website.

Hello, hello!

Got a call out here to Reno's Escape-O-Rama rooms.

They lost one of their guests.

A young juvenile is lost in the escape rooms.

- Billy! - Billy!

Is this one of those things

where shit's gonna jump out at me?

I don't know. Well, maybe.

Clearly there's gotta be a way out, right?

Yeah. We just have to follow the clues.

That door's locked. That door's locked.

Billy! - Billy!

Help!

Wait. So there must be another door.

There is.

- Oh, ho, ho! - Ohh, yeah! Yeah.

So, somebody's Andy Dufresneing it.

Yeah. I guess I miss my friend.

Behind the door is a wall.

No. Shit. Guys, c'mon, c'mon.

The king. Whoa, whoa, whoa. These are all numbers. Ready?

Three, ten, seven. - Eight plus five--

Four, ten, two. Three, ten-- So it's a code.

There must be something with a code.

Yes. Number three.

I'm only doing blacks now.

Step now. Four.

Anything?

No.

All right, ready? One, two, three.

Ow!

What's here?

Ohh. Clues and two types of books.

- Moon. - The moon. And six pens.

Summerset is not a real name.

Summerset. Summersault!

So if you summersault, - When the summer sets, my--

Look upside down. Look under the table.

When summer sets--when summer sets on mom.

If you gonna go someplace, if you wanna leave the room

you take a suitcase. You take a suitcase.

- Ohh! - Oh, hello.

Okay, okay. This is gonna spell it out.

This is gonna literally spell it out.

all: Fe--felo.

A felo. That's not something is it?

Mm-mm.

Ho.

You know what happens when you come home?

As soon as you come home, you take your shoes off.

In this home, you come home and--

You come home and you take off your shoes.

And you say, "Hello, Summerset marm."

Junior, shoe.

God, you scare me every time you do that.

Right. Careful.

Yeah. Could be springy snakes or something.

All right. The key's in there.

Maybe the key is in there.

No. Wait, wait.

Lots of little crunchy things.

Hey!

What are you doing in my house?

What are you doing with my dad?

Oh, my God.

Isn't this Escape-O-Rama Reno?

- No, this is my house. - Oh

Where is Escape-O-Rama Reno then?

In the strip mall down the street.

all: Ooh.

- Okay. - Right when we--

That's fine. That's fine.

I'm sure he was a wonderful man.

So this is our first time participating

in the frown upside down initiative

where we give out movie tickets instead of speeding tickets.

This one's a good one too. I think it's--it's, like, JLo

and it's about, like, two of the emojis,

I can't remember which ones. It might be the poop one.

I know it, Peter Dinklage plays a Japanese guy in it.

And she looks great, that JLo.

- Yeah. - She's, like, 75 now.

But she--fantastic.

Hello, how are you today?

Good morning, officer.

- It's just admit one. - Hold on, hold on.

- Well, thank you. - Hey. Do me a favor, buddy,

'cause I want nothing more than

for you to walk away with that movie ticket,

but you gotta explain this to me satisfactorily.

Don't shoot!

Fuck, Jesus Christ! - Fuck!

Son of a-- Oh, he got 'em!

He got 'em. - Get in! Get in! Get in!

He got the tickets.

No, he doesn't get the tickets. Let's go.

No way, no way.

We're getting the tickets back.

Dangle, James Ron?

- Yes, sir! Sir, yes, sir! - Yeah.

It's my privilege to tell you you've made it

to the finals in the trials of the US Space Force.

- Sir, yes, sir! - Cadet, you are gonna be

the tip of the spear on the six branch

of the US military.

What is that branch?

US Space Force, sir!

It's time to prove it with some sweat!

- Sweat, sir! - Sweat!

There's actually a tremendous amount of sweat

inside this diaper right now.

- Good to hear. Good to hear. - Thank you, sir.

Sir, I wish I had not had that burrito, sir.

- Meteor shower! - Oh, no. Ah!

- Yeah, watch out. Coming in. - Oh, ow!

Thank you, sir.

Ow, ooh! Oh, that's so cold!

Oh, that's so cold! - It's a comet!

Are--are you out?

Ah.

I have no idea why we're doing this.

I mean, this could happen?

Yeah, in space, a lot.

There's a passenger dressed inappropriately.

The entire plane is offended. If you could just please--

- Male, female? Do we-- - Oh, okay. Well--

I'm sure it'll be obvious.

Sheriff's Department.

Nothing to be alarmed about, folks.

It's just a routine check.

Need your full cooperation.

Oh, okay.

How are you today, ma'am?

Mind standing up for us, ma'am?

And good for you.

Buckled safety belt. Good for you.

- Okay. - Thank you so much.

Thank you so much. Excellent.

Hey, silver dress, can you--do you mind

just standing up for us really quickly?

Yeah.

- Wow. - I would--I would hit that.

And I have never said that about a woman.

She's got a cute figure.

No man would complain about that, right?

- No, no. - Okay.

Um--

What have we here?

It almost looks like maybe they just fell.

Okay.

- This is-- - Hello, sunshine.

Did I see you in a review on Tuesday night?

Yeah! I knew-- - Those tights are fantastic.

I really enjoy that. - People used to get dressed up

on flights all the time.

Not anymore. But that--thank you, ma'am.

I don't see anyone getting agitated over that.

Kimball, found it, found it. Found it. Right there.

That is disgusting. Please get up.

Take your dirty, dirty, titty

and get off this plane.

No more. We're sorry. Take it up with the airline.

Just doing our jobs. - Somebody send the video.

You should all ask for credit.

Bonus miles.

Don't--no, don't film me. I'm on a no fly list.

Great news. October 21st is Nevada's first

International Pronouns Day.

It's a great time to learn about the new pronouns

such as zie, zim, zir and zis.

Which are not the same as sie, zie, hir, and hirs,

and of course hirself

with an I which is different from herself with an E.

And these are more inclusive,

and they don't shove anybody into a box

that doesn't fit zem or their beautiful genitals.

And we, I, or thon can agree that singular they

just makes more sense when we can't tell

if zey have bosoms or if sie is just a soft boy.

And of course, wait till you get to the hang of xe,

which is the non-reflexive xyrself

that goes with the possessive xyr

and shi which is the ultimate spelling of shi

but spelled like a comic book yamabushi warrior monk, Shi.

And both E-li and her schel are not new pronouns

but two given names of Tony Winner Eli Herschel Wallach.

Eli Wallach. That one was just for fun.

So let every single zie, ey, zem, tey,

e, tem and ir and terself get set and ready.

Because on October 21st when it's pronouns day

you don't wanna sound like an asshole.

Okay, Gary, so why don't you tell me what happened?

I'm being prejudiced against is what happened.

People are seeing a simple white man and they're going,

"Oh, I'm Black. I think I'm better than you."

"Oh, I'm a proud gay."

"I'ma make sure that a white man's rights are taken away."

Just because I'm trying to--ow!

So you called me because you feel like your feelings

have been hurt?

Did you not see that?

My rights are being taken away right now.

There are people coming up and saying,

"Oh, just because I'm transgender,

I'm special, I am--"

Oh! - Now, that's not a crime.

Judaism is a plague.

It's coming across and making sure that everybody wants--

Oh! Ah!

Okay. Gary, listen. Has any kind of crime.

I'm just hearing that your feelings are hurt.

My feelings are not hurt.

My land is being taken away on a daily--

So someone stole land from you?

Is this what I'm hearing?

You can't hold that in your hand.

So I can't really call that a theft.

They're gonna still win the election.

They're gonna still White House.

They're gonna make sure I can identify that one.

- Mm-hmm. - They're taking away my right

to free speech.

That's fucked up, Gary. That I don't agree with.

Ow!

When they announce Space Force,

Dangle wrote, like, 17 letters to Mike Pence.

And we set this up for him. He thinks he's at a tryout.

We ended up finding this guy who by trade

he's a ventriloquist over at Circus Circus

to play the commander of Space Force.

So this is our date night?

This is for work. This is work stuff.

C'mon, he's a sad old man. C'mon.

Soldier, you're going good. One more hour.

This stuff's perfect for the rings of Saturn.

- Sir, yes, sir! - Rings of Saturn.

I don't think I've ever seen him this happy.

Thank you so much, man.

It's my pleasure, man.

This is--this is why I'm in show business.

Make people happy. This is all good for me.

It's good. I juggle.

I actually have a whole other act. I can juggle

if there's any reason you guys need a juggler.

And I can swallow fire.

Good morning.

Today, October 12th used to be known as Columbus Day.

But I am proud to announce from this day forth,

today will be known as Indigenous People's Day.

And now I am told that the Reno's Sheriff's Department

has prepared a presentation

to kick off Indigenous People's Day.

- How. - Good morning. Aloha.

Buenos dias. Today we make big oompa woompa pow-wow

for Indigenous People's Day.

We, the proud people who lived and fished

on the banks of Lake Tahoe now take you back

with the magical sound of the tom-tom back in time

to when the wise and mighty red man owned the great place.

We are dem Washoe,

da people of da wild.

Da people of the lake.

We live in peace for thousands of years.

Wikipedia say we speakum ohukam.

Hey, lasagna.

all: Hey, lasagna. Hey.

♪ For a heap many moons ♪

♪ We are dem people of dark of wild ♪

♪ We no make dem war ♪

♪ 'Cause we no know how ♪

♪ Oh, great bird spirit ♪

♪ Look down on the Washoe ♪

Caw! Caw!

In the nest fish get caught.

And give us he pine nuts.

For heap many spell of moons

shall brave Washoe and squaw

live in valley, making only love.

Hey, hey!

Shut up your face!

- Caw! - Shut up!

Stop making love and living in peace

and eating the pine nuts.

We come from across of the sea

to give this simple proud Washoe small box

on these blankets.

Also, we kill all the proud Washoe braves

and take the women by force.

That's right.

Oh, the hell you don't.

This is not accurate.

- Come on! Come on! - Start for real.

Whoo!

There you go.

Pretty good. Pretty good. Pretty good.

all: Pretty good! Pretty good! Pretty good!

You know who can't shoot like that?

Yeah.

- Sparks Department. - Fuck those guys.

Fuck those guys.

I think that's a lucky shirt.

You know where he got this?

He goes to the lads section, the boys section--

- Large boys. - Large boys,

he points to the three mannequins.

Sold, sold, sold. And he walks out.

- Like a millionaire. - Yeah.

You look like a regular Magnum P.I. over there.

And then Donny Junior can use it after.

No, but you wear a smedium. And you just--

He's a husky smedium. Yeah.

Husky smedium.

Hey, you guys, I forgot to tell you.

I bought a new turtle neck.

These are men's shoes.

Yeah, we figured.

You remember I warned you, right?

It's okay, baby. We all have white friends.

I used to like sitting in the sun eating a hot dog

in a turtle neck with no music.

Oh, wait a second. Hey.

Hello? Whoa. Yes, sir.

- It's about work. - Yes, sir.

No, we are actually--we are off duty today, sir.

It's ICE. - Oh, sh--

It's ICE. It's Immigration. Hey. Yes, sir.

- It's Immigration? - Uh--uh--

We would--we would love to. You know, we are--

we are not allowed to do backup on immigration raids.

Them snowflakes on the City Council.

Them goddamn lib tards.

- Ordinance 42! - The ordinance 42.

And then the goddamn snowflakes they voted for it,

and we are a sanctuary county.

Yes, sir. Okay, wait, just a second.

I'll let you speak to my supervisor.

I haven't even finished

my hotdog. - Hello. Hello.

This is Lieutenant Dangle. Lieu--

- What are you doing? - It's the--

- Pudding Pops. - No, no, no, no!

- No, no, no, no, no! - No, no, no, no!

Shit. Shit. Shit.

- Hello. This is Carol Wiegel. - Fuck.

- Yes. - That is your real last--

- That's your actual name. - No.

We're very busy actually because we just found

a whole bunch of dead bodies.

- Carol, we need you! - Hold on, please.

Someone's calling me by my name.

- Carol! - Yes, this is Carol.

Can I help you?

It turns out it was nothing. Anyway--

Carol.

I think I lost 'em.

- That went good. - Maria.

At the Comida Mart.

- Good morning. - Good morning.

Good morning.

Guess who's going back again

for Space Force double finals?

Next week I am to report to the Truckee Water Park.

I bring $300 cash and a fresh diaper.

All right, Jim.

- All right! - Yeah, buddy.

- You're going places. - Good for you.

Everybody said I couldn't do it.