Original subtitles

♪ MTV ♪

Proceed with caution.

10-14.

Oh, God. Hey.

Hey, kid.

Hey, officer.

Out of the pool.

Do you live here?

Shit.

I'm in the wrong place.

Whoo!

Ah!

Oh!

Holy shit!

Go!

- Ooh. Ooh, ooh, ooh.

Ooh, it's early. - Good morning, gang.

Good morning.

If you're doing, like, an impression of that, like,

like a guy who has no voice.

It's awesome.

I'm your dad.

I'm probably dying.

What's that?

Uncle Frederick's going to look after you now.

But Uncle Frederick didn't.

You---whew. He'd look after me.

Uh, who signed up for mandatory coyote hazing?

Okay. Well, if you did sign up,

report tonight, okay?

And then we'll go in the dark from--we'll go from there.

Garcia asked to make an announcement.

I have been summoned by the U.S. Department of Justice,

Immigration, Customs Enforcement.

Okay.

Apparently, I was born outside the great walls

of this country. I have been informed,

I am an alien present in the United States

who has not been admitted or paroled.

Salsipuedes is where they tracked my family.

I don't know. Is that a--

Salsipuedes, it's near Rosarito, apparently.

- Oh, other side. - Other side.

You're one of the most fanatical Americans I know.

- This is why it hurts so much. - Right.

So you're going to go and live in one of them cages?

As of now I'm going to self deport.

Be careful 'cause I think they're caging the ones

that turn themselves in too.

You'll get caged for sure. Unless--yeah.

Listen, I've been put in a cage before.

It's not as bad as it sounds.

Raineesha and I are on duty here at the hospital.

We're supposed to hang out and wait for this guy

to wake up from his coma

so we can take his statement and then take him off to jail.

He's some kind of gangster guy.

I'm assuming because his name apparently

is Little Primo Vasquez.

I have some flowers for Mr. Vasquez.

Oh, thank you.

Did you see how he looked at you?

I know.

You probably could pull level.

And did you see, how I kind of went like that.

I kind of smushed my boobs together,

but I don't think it worked.

- What did you do? - He left real fast.

Do it again.

Oh, yeah. Mm.

This guy must really be somebody important.

You don't just send a rhododendron willy nilly.

Hello. We've got another one.

You can just put them over there.

Okay, and I can trust you with this, right?

Totally.

I shouldn't have done that last part.

Don't touch. Don't touch it 'cause it's his.

He might wake up anytime. - He ain't going to.

Mr. Primo!

See?

If they come and they see this,

we'll just tell them that he's--

that we think he's been peeing a little bit of blood.

Oh, I like the wine. Mmm.

- He's--could be like a-- - Knock, knock, coming in.

Come on in.

I was just picking something up off the floor over here.

We've got some more candles.

That's fine. You can just put them here.

Okay.

Let me know if you need anything.

I feel like we've really earned this.

Do you know yesterday I had to work for four hours?

- Ooh, smell this. - Mm, mm, mm, mm, mm.

- Smell this. - Ooh.

Smell good, right?

Ah, ah, ah, ah!

What?

- What is it? - Rai!

You can only get this at Christmas time.

God, it's honey-baked.

You can't eat that whole ham.

You can't--okay.

So this is Operation Odysseus,

aka, the Trojan horse.

Let's do it.

We saw a movie where a bunch of guys were in a horse

and it wasn't the funny one. What's the funny one?

- No. - It's the other one.

- No, it's Tro-- - "Troy."

- "Troy." - Yeah.

And we figure we've been getting so many stolen packages

in town that we're checking.

We got all the doorbell cams now.

We're linked. We can link right in.

Travis, you in your check in the box?

Yes. Check.

Check, check, mic check, and then we're going to wait

and see when we have to spring the--

motherfucker!

Hey! Hey.

Fuck! Hey, hey!

Motherfucker.

All right, surprise.

Surpri--

surprise!

Surprise. Shit.

Surprise.

Surprise.

Surprise.

Surprise!

Hello? Surprise.

Hello?

Surprise.

Hello?

Surpri--

Track my package.

How are my two favorite ladies?

- Oh! - We're fine.

I think you're going to like this one.

- Oh. - We've got some potpourri.

Actually, mind if I take this?

Help yourself.

Help yourself.

My husband's going to love it.

Goddamn.

And then I found out that the only reason

he even invited me to the dance was because he needed a kidney.

Flowers for Mr. Little Primo Vasquez.

Yeah. That--that's the guy.

From my primo.

What's going on? What'd I miss?

- Welcome to Español Para Imbéciles.

My name is John.

Mi nombre es Juan.

Mi nombre es Juan.

Please do not report me to the cartel.

Oh, shit, the dot com man.

Garcia, that boy can't even eat Mexican food.

- No. - Well, I mean,

he going to stick out like a sore thumb.

He can't speak Spanish.

He's the whitest person I've ever met.

And I'm the great-grandson of Dutch puppeteers.

Think about that.

And you get two beers in him,

and he starts going off about how much he hates beaners.

- He does not like them. - Oh.

By the way, there are fantastic beaners out there.

- I agree. - Name two.

- Guillermo Del Toro. - One.

Antonio Banderas.

- Spain. - Yep.

- George Lopez. - From California.

Señor Wences.

Wasn't Señor Wences Ed Sullivan's hand?

Well, I think if we cared at all about that little weirdo--

We should kill him now...

- No. - So that--okay. I don't know.

If we cared at all about that little weirdo, Garcia,

somebody would marry him.

- Not it. - Not it.

- Not it. Not it! - Not it.

Fuck.

Hello, officers.

- Oh, jackpot. - Hi. Hi.

- You okay? - Hey.

Hi.

- Hi. - How are you doing?

I got a call for an audition for a commercial

and I get to this house, and this guy is like,

"I need to see you eat this banana, like, real slow."

- Oh, wow. - Oh, wow. That's--

So I eat the banana and he, like, hands me this swimsuit.

He's like, "Now, put on a swimsuit."

And then he hands me a bottle of baby oil.

- Oh. - Yeah.

And he's like, "Can you, like, rub it all over yourself?"

And he wanted me to get in a tub with him.

- Mm. - Oh, wow.

He was wearing underwear and it was uncomfortable.

So I just snapped.

And I was like, "What kind of audition is this?"

I pushed him really hard and he fell.

And, you know, there was a little bit of blood

coming out from his ears, so I think he might be dead.

- Okay. Well-- - Okay. Yeah.

It sounds like, uh,

it sounds like-- - We'll take care of it.

- Thank you, ma'am. - Bye.

We've got to take notes.

I went on that same fucking audition,

the whole bathtub banana thing.

I didn't get it. Obviously, they went in another direction.

White privilege all the time. - Oh, I hear you.

Hey, Raineesha.

What took you so long?

I don't know. How's your family?

Okay, you said you want to talk to me about something?

That's what you wanted to talk to me about?

Okay, good talk.

I need your pee and I need it right away.

So just do that.

Don't act like that.

I don't live the life you live.

You know, I don't. This is a clean vessel.

Oh, I love getting a sermon every time

I need fresh piss, Raineesha. Look--

Because if you wasn't out there in them streets...

♪ Living like a dirty whore ♪

♪ Then you wouldn't be asking me, hah! ♪

♪ For the things of my bodily fluid out here ♪

♪ Y'all don't hear me ♪

♪ I was having a spa day ♪

♪ And I did a little Molly 'cause I felt like it ♪

Now, just pee in the cup.

What was that when that funny Scientologist,

you know, the white boy said, "Show me the money!"

Show me the money.

50 bucks.

It's pee. You would flush it anyway.

God dang it.

Got a 54... I forgot.

I don't even know what the number is for this.

We've got a structure fire. The wind's catching it too.

We've got a 1660 or--

No, you called it a 818, right?

Sorry. I didn't even know what the number is.

818 is dead animal.

There might be a dead animal. I do not know,

but there was a guy that ran out when we pulled up.

I don't--and I don't know if you, uh...

I forgot what I was talking about.

Did you always not have-- you didn't have a moustache?

Before, I can't grow one.

Didn't he have one before? When we were before?

When we were what before?

When we were what before what?

I forgot. I know what to do for this.

Ah. Ah. Ready?

Huddle up.

Man.

both: Hey! - Oh.

- Oh, man. - Oh, that's good.

This is why I always carry it, man.

Anybody that doesn't like music can kiss my ass.

- Music is the best, man. - Right?

- Live music. Live music. - Music is the best.

I love notes, I love all the notes.

Yeah.

- Oh, buzzkill. - Oh, shit.

Everybody be cool. - Everybody seem cool?

- You want to talk? - You talk.

- You talk. - You're the boss.

- You talk. - No, you talk.

Hey, guys.

all: Hey.

Huh? - Have you been in?

No, no. We--the guy--

They're closed 'cause of the fire.

- Yeah, yeah. - Did you guys call?

- No. - No.

- No, no, no. - Whoa.

I don't even have your number.

It's on the vehicle.

Did you shave?

You got--wait, what? Ready, watch.

Oh, shit.

- I could--I thought-- - Why does everyone--

- Watch what I can do. - I never had a moustache guys.

Suckin' it! Aww.

Oh, man. - I'm never ready for that.

I got--

You got me again, hacky sack.

Stupid but obvious question.

- Okay. - Yeah.

Did anybody call the gas company?

- Ooh. - Mm.

- Oh! - Ooh.

Oh.

Oh!

Oh, me.

- Wow. - Oh.

- Oh. - It's like us.

Yeah, that's us, guys.

That's us.

It's like, we're all different,

but we're all tied together with a string.

Mm.

- Why are they so many? - I don't know,

but you're the green one and I love that about you.

I love that about us.

Wow.

I just moved and all this paperwork is...

Drowning me!

I've got to change my address with the post office,

do my bills and reregister as a sex offender.

Who's got time for all of this?

Sounds to me like you need a little bit of magic.

Remember when you used to have to go downtown,

get in a huge line with all of Reno's

tens of thousands of sex offenders and wait and wait?

Well, now it's all right here

in the Reno Sheriff's Department app

available for your smartphone or tablet.

Just click the icon that says Get Me Registered.

And that'll take you to the scroll wheel

where you can choose your classifications:

violent sex offender, nonviolent sex offender,

Peeping Tom, flasher, pedophile,

agalmatophiliac, coprophiliac,

person who puts their penis in mailboxes,

roof pooper, peek-a-dude.

Click as many as apply.

And pick a fun avatar.

That will show up on the app

as we and any other citizen track your every movement.

It was so easy.

It's all in the palm of my hand.

Let's do it. Come on.

My hamstring. Oh, my hamstring.

You look great. Where's Dangle? Where's Dangle?

Dangle's not coming. He got flat.

- Not it. - Not it.

- Not it! - Not it.

Shit.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, no, no, no, no, no, no!

No, no, no. 459.

Hey, we need you to do a thing.

- No, we're closed. - Oh, no, no. Come on.

It's just a teeny ceremony. Really fast.

Really quick. Just real quick.

All right, who's getting married?

- Us. - Let me make one thing clear.

I'm approving no bullshit weddings.

- No, no, no. - No!

all: - You should see it.

They, like, make out and everything.

Okay. So here's what we're going to do.

I want to hear some honest, heartfelt, heartwarming vows.

Mm-hmm.

They better be straight from the heart and sincere as shit.

Or I'm not pronouncing you married.

Oh, okay.

Uh...

I have to say that love has been playing

Three-card Monte with my heart for most of my life.

Try to find out where it could be.

And I think I found my king of spades

right here in front of me.

He's a man I've shared

many of a life-threatening situations with.

You know, I don't think I could find a better partner in my job

and a better partner in my life than this man right here.

I would really like if Sisyphus Cosman Jones,

if you would be my...

partner in life.

I do. How was that, Black judge?

That was beautiful.

I pronounce you married.

Go with God. I got to get out of here.

Thank you, sir, so much.

You won't regret it. - Thank you so much.

- You did it! Here we go. - Ready?

Hey!

Oh, whoa!

I got it! - Fucking bitch!

Get off of me!

- Oh! - Get off of me!

That's mine!

all: Oh! - It's my turn!

Her bum is showing.

The Reno Sheriff's Department is participating

in a county-wide coyote hazing program.

What that means is coyotes are getting very, very aggressive--

coming into neighborhoods, eat little dogs and cats.

And so...

What we're doing out here is we're trying

to scare them off.

We wear bright colors.

We dress in something scary yet big, you make noise.

So we're out here just trying to scare them

out of the neighborhoods, try to get them

to maybe take back to their own--

- Ah! - Jesus!

Fucking hell.

Hey.

Have you seen any coyotes out here?

No, I was just hanging out for a bit.

I haven't searched out here yet.

I thought everybody was coming out tonight.

Do coyotes climb trees? Can they fall out of trees?

I don't think so.

Jesus Christ!

- There's nothing over there. - Oh.

You all right? - Yeah. I'm good. I'm good.

Dude.

I won't lie to you. I'm a little spooked.

You know,

a coyote has killed a grown man in Sparks two nights ago.

Hey, guys! I'm a spider.

- Oh, yeah. - Oh, wow.

- Okay. Okay. - Yeah. That's--

- Pretty good. - Pretty scary.

Yeah. Did you find any coyotes?

No, I haven't been able to catch any of them yet.

Here, coyo--

- What the fuck? - What the fuck?

Hello?

Jesus.

Hey, guys.

Something came by that I thought might've been a coyote,

and it scared the poop out of me.

And so I got in here to hide for a while.

The hell of a nice birdcage.

- Guys. - Yeah?

Who's--who's the guy in the bear suit?

Wha--what the hell was that?

- What the fuck? - Who's that?

Fuck it.

Guys!

all:

Guys! We lost Junior!

- Make a big animal. - Dam pod.

Make a big animal. Make a big animal.

- We can make one bigger. - Big animal.

We're a big animal.

This says more bathroom than it does bedroom to me.

Do you agree?

Or do you want the bathroom to match the bedroom?

I don't know. I can't--I can't--

I can't look at any more swatches, okay?