Original subtitles

♪ MTV ♪

You know, a lot of aspects of law enforcement

have gotten tougher over the past 15, 20 years,

Trudy, don't you agree?

Yep.

Remind me not to toss to you ever.

- Okay. - Yeah.

Try it again.

No.

You know, a lot of aspects--

God, shut up.

A lot of aspects of law enforcement

have gotten tougher in the past couple years

except for one.

The camera phone.

People, especially the locals around here,

can't stop live-streaming their crimes.

It's just--

it's just like fish in a barrel for us.

I mean, we can just look like--

look, graffiti.

See that?

But that's--that's in Sparks. That's a little bit far away.

- People are so dumb. - Oh, and then lookit.

This guy's about to show his genitals to some people.

Oh, wait. I want to see that one.

Well.

But it's all the way at the Bowling Hall of Fame

which is almost, from here,

oh, be about 14 minutes to get to.

- It's far. - He'll probably be done.

I mean, he sure won't have a boner by the time we get there.

Oh, here's one. Oh, wow.

Uh, "watch me light this Molotov cocktail."

That's crazy. That's super close.

That's almost like-- - Ooh.

I've never--

Oh!

Holy shit!

- Good morning. Hi.

- Morning. - Morning.

Uh, this meeting, like all of our meetings now,

brought to you by Soup Gorilla.

When you absolutely, positively want soup,

in a couple of days, ingredients right to your door.

Uh, made with vegetables that--

Why do they make you say the whole speech?

I don't--welcome to-- you want these?

You wanna trade?

'Cause once you get these, shit rolls uphill.

So as everybody knows,

the break-ins have been out of hand.

Here in the building. - Yeah.

Uh, the brass has insisted

that we hire a private security guard for the door.

Oh, come on.

- That's-- - This is not my call.

Not my call. - Look at the cops in here.

That's sad.

You wanna get him in?

This is the guy who's gonna be guarding us from now on.

No, it's the skateboard guys, right?

Well, the skateboard kids have been a real problem,

but then there's stuff missing every--

- Hey. - Hey.

Uh, so, this is, uh...

it's Jeffy, yeah?

Jeffy, yeah. Jeffy Renee Chisholm.

- Uh-- - Hi, Jeffy. My name is Trudy.

I once had a hamster that lived off of his own feces

and then actually-- I was forgetting this--

but now I'm remembering he ended up eating...

himself.

Jeffy, Wiegel starts bragging when new people come around.

- Yeah. - I do not.

Yeah, you do.

Once new people come around, she starts bragging...

No, I don't.

And she'll tell you stories like, "I had a hamster."

Tell the truth. Tell the truth to Jeffy.

Being able to keep a pet alive is impressive.

A lot of people can't.

She didn't, Jeffy. Because she didn't.

- Yeah. - Hey, Jeffy.

- Liberty 25, code 6.

Sheriff's Department.

Sheriff's Department!

Sheriff's Department.

Somebody call 911?

Sheriff's Department!

Hello?

I got a call out here to the expediting facility,

a 911 call.

We actually had to trace it because they hung up.

It was real crackly.

Sir?

Uh, did you call-- - Hey, Travis?

Sir? Sir!

Hey, Travis?

Travis? Hey, man.

Don't--don't leave me here, man.

Jesus, you scared the hell out of me.

Oh, my God.

Were you with us the whole time?

- I came in the car with you. - You were in the car?

- But I got lost. - Oh, yeah.

You were in the back of the car. Sorry.

So you were in the--

Why is it so cold in here?

Hey, the sheriffs are here if somebody called!

- S-sir? - Sir?

- Can--can you-- - Sir, sir?

- Do you need-- - Did you--did you call?

Do you need help?

Did someone here call 911?

Excuse me!

Jesus.

- Who are you? - Oh, my God.

And why are you talking to my people?

They have work to do.

- Oh, thank God. - So sorry.

Are you in charge here? - Yes.

I am very much in charge here.

Hello. Reno Sheriff's Department.

I don't like the sound of that at all.

Reno Sheriff's Department?

- Yeah, yeah, yeah. - What are you doing here?

The 911 center tell us,

"Hey, we got this sort of a weird, whispery call."

And then we had to trace it

and actually, the number came back to here.

Well, I don't understand how that would happen

because we jam communications

within a five-mile radius of here,

so I don't know why that would be.

- So you're all right? - Everything's fine.

Absolutely, everything. Everything's more than fine.

Everybody here is happy. - That's a relief.

If there were a medical emergency,

we have a doctor here

and he's doing really interesting things.

- Mind if we look around? - Yeah.

I do mind if you look around.

Of course I mind if you look around.

Why would anyone say, "Yes, certainly poke around.

See what you can find that you don't like."

So your name--

My name-- what do you want it to be?

Let's say Neil Fisher. How about that?

Well, that felt very much like you just--

Neil Fisher. F-I- S -C-H-E-R?

That just felt like you threw, like, a--

Dan Stevens?

Can I ask you, by the way, how would you describe

the voice of the person that contacted 911?

Um, it sounded like-- it sounded like--

- Mid-60s, lady. - Yeah.

Terrified, terrified.

Terrified, a little asthmatic.

Okay, did she have trouble with her Rs?

- She did, she did. - Yeah.

Thank you. Thank you very much.

We're gonna take care of that. - Great, okay.

We--there--here was the vote.

The vote was do we get one of those Ring cameras

or Jeffy?

And the answer is Jeffy was a lot cheaper.

- Hey. - Hey.

Morning, Jeff. - How's it goin', boss?

Hey, this is weird, but...

have you seen my gun?

I--I--I had it--

when I left the house, I had it.

And I know I had it at the coffee place

'cause at the coffee place,

I always, like, I like, do a thing

where I, like, stir the coffee with my gun.

Sure. I'm not a good multi-tasker, either.

I know exactly what you're talking about.

They think it's hilarious.

And then when I leave it at the coffee place,

they tell me, then I act like, "Hey, that was a joke.

I left that there to--" - Right, right.

I gotta say, I was in the evidence room

and there was a, like, a state-issued gun

that didn't look like a street gun.

- Oh, you're the best! - Does that sound familiar?

Super Jeff, Super Jeff!

Can I see your ID?

I just walked out of there, Jeff.

I'm taking a trip down memory lane today.

Uh, my husband was executed 'cause he was a serial killer

and, um, so a lot of the crime scenes

haven't been looked at in a while

and there's all kinds of DNA and this is one of his--

Makes me kind of emotional.

So we're gonna see what kind of evidence we can find in here.

Oh, yeah. This is spooky as shit.

This definitely looks like a place

that he would've come and...

murdered the hell out of some people.

The department gives me these kits.

I'll be honest,

I don't know how--what--how-- what to do with any of this.

These are just regular, old Q-tips,

so I'm just gonna get some of this and put it in a envelope.

This'll keep 'em busy for four or five days.

- This is a non-issue! - Sir!

Oh, when you hear what I'm gonna say,

when you hear what I'm gonna say,

you're gonna be like, "Oh, I apologize, Andrew.

Just be quiet.

You're buying a solo ticket to stick time, okay?

- He was-- - Yeah.

And you're buying a group ticket to my fist!

- He was-- - What? Wait, what?

- Now, wait, wait, wait. - Wait. Wait, what?

Was that a mistake? Yes, but let me speak my story.

Let me speak my story.

Andrew, let her speak her story.

Let her speak her story before you do.

Please, please speak your story, Angela.

Please, Andrew.

- Anglea. - Anglea!

He was also masturbating.

- Whoa. - Okay, okay.

I'm not gonna fight that.

Did I in fact pleasure myself at my seat?

Yes. But that's not the issue.

That's not the issue.

We all bought tickets and when you buy a ticket,

you buy a what?

A home. This is my home.

So I sit down and I go, "'Lady and the Tramp?' Uh-uh."

That's--immediately, I go to--

I'm like, "Now, I gotta masturbate.

'Lady and the Tramp!'" - Wait, wait.

- What? - Dogs eating spaghetti?

Oh.

By a show of hands, who here has pleasured themselves

to "Lady and the Tramp"?

Liars, all liars.

All they've been doing is, like,

throwing their people juice all over--

Andrew, okay. That's fine, that's fine.

We will deal with this. - Uh-uh! Hey! Uh-uh! Uh-uh!

Now, wait a minute! Uh-uh! Uh-uh!

Okay, this is injustice! This is injustice!

We're taking it. That's it.

- Ooh, wait. "1917"? - Come on.

- "1917"? Ooh! - Okay, wait, wait, wait.

Kimball, what are we doing?

Thank you. Jesus.

I've been knocking on the door the whole time.

He won't come out! - Well, knock harder, woman!

He's not gonna come out.

- Mr. Nugent! - Go time!

Ted!

Buy it, libtards!

- Called us libtards? - He did call us libtards.

- Welcome. - Come on, man. Mr. Nugent.

Please don't-- oh, Jesus!

Sheriff's Department. - Police!

- Sheriff's Department. - Put down your weapons!

- All right, all right. - On the ground!

Put 'em down now!

All right, all right, all right, all right.

You put yours down, I'll put mine down.

All right, same time.

You put-- no, you put yours down first.

We'll do it at the same time. Here we go, here we go.

Ready? Ready?

And putting it down, putting it down.

There, we're good.

All right! - Son of a bitch!

- Let us pray. - Oh, okay.

Yes, sir.

Dear omniscient Father,

we thank Thee for our blessed Second Amendment...

- Amen. - Amen.

And also the Third Amendment, which stipulates

that no soldier call be quartered in a private home.

- Okay. - Amen.

Let's do this!

Come on! Let's go! Rock and roll! Whoo!

Sparks Convention Center, let's do this!

- Okay, hey! - Let's do this!

Mr. Ted Nugent! Make a hole!

Your guitar, Mr. Nugent.

Whoa!

What?

Whoo!

Make a hole.

Theodore Jonathan Nugent.

Yeah!

...why we did that.

Oh!

There you go.

Oh, can you make that out to my boyfriend, Matt?

- Make a hole, people! - Let's do this! Come on!

- Make a hole! - Come on!

Oh.

What are you thinking?

- Make a hole. - Hey, Nuge.

I put a bump stock on the T-shirt gun,

so it should shoot 500 T-shirts in a minute.

- Put a silencer on that. - Yeah...

that'll make it illegal in California.

You're gonna need a guitar, sir.

Hey, hey! - Whoo, whoo!

And all of you deplorable crackers,

put your hands together for our great senator

from the great state of Nevada,

Mr. Ted Nugent!

And if you don't like it, you can...

all: Suck on my machine gun!

- The best senator we ever had. - Yup.

- You guys want some T-shirts? - Yeah!

Let's have some fun.

- Little higher. - No, aim a little bit--

Oh.

Poor fucker.

She was short. He liked 'em short.

I mean, he liked me for, you know, sex and romance,

but for murder, he liked 'em short.

Oh, there's a little blood on there.

Could've been his.

Hmm.

What's going on, Trudy?

- Oh, hey, Craig. - Hey.

- Craig. - Yeah? What's going on?

Are you really here?

Yeah, I guess.

I mean, I think I'm a ghost or whatever, but--

Oh, I was always hoping this might happen.

Uh--uh I mean,

I been good, you been good, everything's nice?

No, I've missed you since you've been dead.

I have not had any

boyfriends or any dating since you were executed.

Uh, let me tell you, I've had lots of offers.

Oh, good,

'cause I've been kind of dating a bunch of people.

I didn't know that was a thing. - Oh.

Yeah, I'm in hell. I don't know if you know this.

I figured.

- It's kind of a party. - Oh.

It's pretty awesome.

You know, you can see gals on the side, you know?

It's a whole mess of people.

It's not just girls.

I mean, it's like a kind of an orgy Caligula

type of situation.

I mean, the devil's involved. He's actually a pretty funny--

if you get to know him, he's got a good sense of humor.

Just as, like, to make people, you know, laugh and stuff.

Oh, I wish I could come visit.

You can.

You just have to do some terrible things.

Hey, Nevada teenager.

I see you're proudly celebrating

the Second Amendment

and our state's freewheeling open carry laws.

You bet, boomer.

I can open carry this bad boy right here, weapon.

You're probably thinking I'm going to harsh your mellow

by telling you to be responsible

with that war weapon you have zero training for.

Yeah, boomer.

You're probably gonna say Nevada rolled over

to the snowflakes and take away a bunch of my rights.

Nope. Not at all.

Seriously?

Yep. Look it up.

And no, you don't need a permit like you would for fishing.

Oh, okay. Well, thanks, boomer.

I'm off to enjoy Nevada and see the Hoover Dam.

You cannot under any circumstances

open carry at the Hoover Dam, so don't make a...

- Yo. - Hi.

What's up, there? What's up?

Oh, I'm sorry. Can I see some ID?

- See some ID? - Yeah.

Come on, dude. Jeffy, it's me.

Oh, I know. It's just protocol.

Come on, man. I gotta deuce it.

Well, if this were Henderson or Carson City,

I'd say, "Yeah, fly on by," but it's Reno, you know?

I'll give you a banana. Just let me in.

I don't do a barter system.

This isn't Tom Sawyer trying to paint the fence.

Jeffy, I could shoot you here, okay?

What security are you doing? What are you doing?

Well, now it feels like a threat.

I don't--I don't-- I can't even--

I need to--all right.

Sorry, dude. I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

He didn't show it to you? He didn't show you ID?

- No, he did not. - What do you say to Jeffy?

- I'm sorry, Jeffy. - It's fine.

It was a miscommunication if anything.

It's cool.

He can poop at the Subway.

I gots a couple of questions for you.

- You do? - Yeah.

Do you-- - Anything.

I just want to know what's going on,

you know, on Earth and stuff.

What's an iPhone?

People come down and talk about their iPhone.

It's like, I go, "Oh, yeah. That's awesome."

And then I go back and I'm like, "What's an iPhone?"

Well, it's just a phone, like a cell phone,

so you can talk to people.

It's sort of like, um, remember back when you were kid

and you'd do, like, a tin can with a string?

- Yeah. - It's like that.

But you can take pictures of your privates on it.

- Oh, all right. Okay. - Same difference.

That makes sense.

You can also buy shoes on it. So--

I don't want to complicate things for you.

♪ And we're dancing in the corner of the room ♪

♪ And you're dead and I'm alive and it's okay ♪

If I was in hell,

would you pick me to have an orgy with you?

There's kind of a clique of cool kids

and if I'm near the cool kids,

I might give you a little bit of the shoulder like--like,

"Oh, yeah, whatever, Trudy." or something.

That's okay.

I mean, I just was your wife

and I covered up a whole bunch of murders for you

for a long time, but I understand.

Yeah, it's just like, you know,

schoolyard politics kind of stuff.

Totally.

I came here to tell you, to warn you about something.

- What is it? - It's about your future.

You make a horrible mistake. - Oh, my God.

I'm so glad you came. What is it?

You cut your bangs.

Yourself. It's a disaster.

I was gonna cut my bangs tonight.

Yeah, that's right, that's right.

- Hey, honey. - Hey.

What you doing home so early?

I forgot my whatchamacallit thing.

- Oh. - How you doing?

Hey.

You look nice today. You look very nice today.

Eomma.

Mom, these boobs brought you to America, okay?

What you got there?

- Uh... - You wearing my vest?

Yeah.

- All right, step out. - Yeah.

- Step out. - Yeah.

All right.

Okay? I'm putting on clothes!

Oh, look! Oh, look! Let me go to the office, huh?

I'm gonna a regular job, okay?

- You forgot this, too. - Thank you.

- Yeah. - Yup.

Don't kill yourself out there.

Don't let them kill you.

Don't throw it. Don't throw the Taser.

Oh, shit! No, don't throw it! Don't throw it!

No, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't throw it!

Don't throw it, don't throw it.

Thank--thank you.

- I don't speak Korean. - She says she loves you.

This body brought you to America!

You know, in 32 years, I'm gonna own this whole place.

Uh, as of-- we've been sued recently.

I think you all saw the lawsuit from, um, Tim Robbins.

Thank you. Hollywood legend.

Multiple Academy Award-winner.

And, of course, Susan Sarandon.

They've teamed up with Sean Penn,

I believe, Eddie Vedder. - Yeah.

Uh... wow.

We're all big fans of these guys

and their lawsuit against us for human rights violations...

That stings.

That stings, you know?

Because we've been Pearl Jam fans since way back, you know?

I mean, "Daughter," "Animal,"

uh, "Rearviewmirror."

You know, these are all hits.

So for Eddie Vedder to so strongly come out against

the Reno Sheriff's Department

and call us names that I would not call--

uh, I would not call, uh...

Blind Melon, you know?

So it stings.

When Pearl Jam sues you, it stings.

Trudy! Trudy!

Oh!

That's a lot of animal poop.

Tru--Trudy!

Trudy! Holy crap.

Trudy, Trudy!

Frank.

Oh, thank God you're not dead.

How you-- - What?

Oh.

Whoa.

Oh, there's a lot of gas fumes in here, Trudy.

I don't think we should be in here.

He had some teeth in a jar,

but he told me I could sell them on the internet

to make some money.

You know what? I'm just gonna lay down for a second.

Yeah, no, it's really fumey.

I'm just gonna lay down for a second. Oh, my God.

It's fumey, right?

But doesn't it feel good to just--

- It does feel just-- - Oh, it feels good.

'Cause I'm just tired.

I just want to take another nap.

Sometimes...

I used to find bones...

under the sink.