Original subtitles

♪ MTV ♪

Officer!

- Sheriff's Department! - Thank God you're here!

Okay. What's going on?

Ach. There's some kids in the pool.

Oh, okay. Wait, hold on.

Let me guess.

The kids in the pool are Black?

Yes. Yes, they're Black.

Shut up! Shut the fuck up.

Kids that are Black in your pool

are not bothering you, lady.

You don't call the Sheriff's Department for this.

I'm tired of you Backyard Betties,

Looky Louises,

calling us for this dumb shit!

What are they doing? What are they doing?

They're drowning!

Yeah. - They're dr--

No! - To the right.

To the right! - No!

Black babies!

No, no, no, Black babies!

Ah!

Oh!

Holy shit!

The squirrels in the ducts are still there.

I hear 'em.

I feel like they're starting to...

Ach, you know the one with the--

no one thinks that it sounds a little bit like they're--

a tiny bit like they're singing?

At all?

I mean, not words, but, you know--

But, yeah, I know what you're--

They're not singing-- I'm not crazy.

What do you hear them singing, Jim?

I don't-- see, I knew you were gonna be--

everybody was gonna be dicks.

I don't think the squirrels in the ducts

are singing words.

They're not-- they're not Marvin Hamlisch.

- Maybe... - Mm-hmm?

Just maybe, you need to take a break.

You've been here for a long damn time,

and maybe you need to just take a break.

There's a spa outside of Primm...

- Yeah. - That's very nice.

Are you guys doing "Of Mice and Men,"

where you lead me out to Primm

and then you shoot me in the head?

- No! - God damn it.

You can Google it!

There's a very nice kind of a--

like, a spa thing there.

Why's everybody so excited for me to go to Primm?

- We're not excited. - We're worried.

We just think you need a br--

you just said that the squirrels were singing.

Not words!

They're not making words!

I didn't say they were making words!

Jim, go to Primm.

Yeah, yeah, I'll go to--

I think we all could use a break.

I'll go to Primm.

Ooh. I hear 'em singing.

See?

Welcome to the Secure and Sassy

concealed carry fashion show.

Tiff is working a casual look.

She's running errands.

But she's not running scared.

Thank you, Heather.

Next up is Shauna.

Shauna's ready for yoga class.

What's under that yoga mat?

It's a 12-gauge pump.

Nama-stay safe!

She's a ten

with a pair of nines!

Who's ready for evening wear?

Clemmy is ready for a night on the town.

But she's no sitting duck.

Where are you packing, Clemmy?

There's a couple of things in life

that I'm really into right now.

One of 'em is fashion.

And one of 'em is not having, uh, anyone

piss all over my rights.

But what's so special about that swimsuit?

That's right. It's Kevlar!

Stay away from her pool party, ISIS.

- Hello, cops, hello! - What's up, pigs?

We see you. I see you're on duty,

I'm on duty too.

Okay, we just out here trying to protect the Constitution

with our goddamn phones, man.

There's these kids now, they--

they're trying to catch us doing something wrong

all the time, and it--

it's, I mean, it's tiresome. - You gonna have a long wait.

Wow. How many guns you got in there?

Uh...

- 50? - That's--

- 50? - That's way too m--

That's too many guns.

How many guns you got out there?

None!

both: Ha-hah!

That was not funny!

Move. That's our guy!

That's our guy! That's our guy!

Go, go!

- You got it? - Oh, my God!

What the-- You're opening fire!

These police officers have just opened fire!

They're shooting him!

- Hi, guys! - Hey, fellas.

Welcome!

Congratulations. You got jury duty.

Bienvenue.

Congratulations. You got j--

Wait, no. You

got jury duty.

Which one of you guys--

Is somebody named Trist?

I'm-- I'm Trist.

What kind of name is Trist?

You have $3,400 in unpaid parking tickets.

I thought-- Wait.

I will see you in court.

- But-- - I'll just hang on to that.

Okay. Don't hit him, sir.

What, I didn't hit him. I'm not hitting any--

Did I hit anybody?

all: No. - Absolutely did not.

Whose got all the dick pics on this one?

Me, sir.

- Hoh! - Is that you or a friend?

It's a friend.

- Oh, oh. - Well done.

I mean, I would have said it was me.

- Sir? - Yep.

When we-- when we go,

this isn't live-live?

- Oh, it's live-live. - It is live-live?

Oh, it's absolutely live.

- So it's nationwide? - Yep, nationwide.

Coast to coast. - Satellite.

Yeah, we're just waiting for a minute.

That's fun.

Got a little thing in the studio.

Great, great. And then you go right to me?

- Right to you, you ready? - That's great

'cause I'm 100% ready, 100% ready--

- You can do it, Jim! - Thanks, Trude!

In five, four, three!

Hold! All right, we need a minute.

We need a minute. No, you just tell me

when you're ready. - Are you talking to me?

Are you talking to me? - No, hold on.

- We're not on yet? - No, no.

We got issues in New York.

There's a pet adoption going on.

- Oh, fun! - One of the puppies

fell asleep. - Oh, cute.

A devastating departure-- - You ready?

Yes! N--

- You all right? - I'm throwing up.

Can I get a second?

Do you need me to hold back your hair?

No. No, I'm okay.

Okay. Just a little barf.

I'm good. - Okay, all right.

They're ready for us. All right, here we go!

- At this time in the-- - Five...

- The trucking pass on I-80-- - Four...

- A brush fire has closed-- - Three, two...

- Both directions-- - Oh!

- At this ti-- - Nope, no, no, nope.

- You got this. - All right, just one minute.

That devastating brush fire...

Stay ready, stay loose.

- Just take a breath. - Ahh.

Is Daddy's little sippy cup around?

I feel good, I feel good. - You're nailin' it.

A devastating brush fire

has closed I-80 in both directions.

A devastating brush fire has closed I-80

in both dimensions.

They're ready for us. All right!

Can I get one-- can I get one of the blue ones?

The problem is, it only helps when you--

Now I need four.

No, don't do four. Don't do four!

In five, four, three, two.

Thank you, New York.

We're live in Reno, Nevada. Washoe County,

the Silver State, very near the Truckee Pass,

where right now, a devastating munch fire

has closed everything I-8, in all of the dimensions.

I'm the kitty cat from "Alice in Wonderland."

And I'll see you on the other side.

All right, we're out!

I like that one!

I like that one a lot.

This morning, we found out a model had to drop out.

Uh, she had a bowhunting accident over the weekend.

Clemmy had a friend.

Ah, it's not a friend.

Had-- had a--

knew someone who could step in at the last minute.

So we're gonna give her a go.

I know you've never done this before,

but you've probably watched models before.

You've never watched a fashion show?

I don't have a TV anymore.

Okay.

Okay.

Well, why don't you-- this is a runway.

Smize. And then I smize.

And then I smize. And then I smize.

And then I smize.

I'm gonna pause you for a second.

Okay.

It got weird-- - Take this seriously.

Trudy's like that old spare tire that you forget about.

Sure, it's bald.

- Stop complimenting-- - Barely gonna get you where--

Stop with the compliments!

My head is getting big! - Oh, I've got so many

compliments just like that one.

Up next, it's Trudy.

Tennis, anyone?

I have never walked in a fashion show before.

But I do walk around a lot.

To the coffee machine.

Sometimes to the vending machine.

And I have been told...

that I look pretty good doin' it.

Who told you that?

Name names. - Um...

Roberto.

He's new. - Mm.

He and I are kind of having a thing.

Ohh.

Trudy is serving up a beautiful silhouette.

Nice backhand, Trudy.

A tennis racket.

I 40-love it.

As if Trudy was not creating enough of a diversion herself,

flash grenade!

Ball is in your court, date rapists.

Trudy, is that a .32 ACP gun in your pocket, or are you just

happy to live in a country with a Second Amendment?

Shooter!

I'm okay!

Shit!

Sorry!

Next up is Lisa!

We got a--

Alarmed triggered at the--

Uh, the bank.

Hey, guys? - Yeah?

Did somebody say how many hostages are in there?

I think they said three.

What? You hurt your knee?

You should file for worker's comp!

What the...

Hell? - What is it?

What's happening?

- Hi. - Hey.

How are you?

How you doing? Hatzolah is here.

- Hey! - You need to get down!

There's a hostage situation. - There's a hostage in there.

- There's hostages! - I know.

It's okay, come on.

- Okay--oh, my God! - Jesus!

- That was scary. - What the hell?

- Hi! - Hey.

How you doing? Shalom, baby.

Are you a-- are you the Amish?

Uh, we are Jewish volunteer services.

- Oh! - Hatzolah.

- Oh, hi. - How are you, sir?

Shalom, baby. No, I can't--

I cannot shake hands with you. It is hared.

It's okay. These are my guys.

- Jesus! - Guys, it's okay.

Guys. These are my guys.

You are-- You guys are happy about--

This is what we do, guys.

- Oh, okay. - Oh.

We are Jewish volunteer,

we have ambulance, uh, firemen.

So we are like Jewish Batman.

But for us, Batman is like pussy.

You guys just-- just do this?

This is what we do.

We sa--we, uh, how do you say?

We save the world.

- Oh, wow, wow. - Wow.

When there are-- where there are Jews.

- Yeah, yeah. - Where there are not Jews,

we don't give a shit. - Ah.

- Sure, sure. - What you guys do,

very important. - Thank you.

Maybe there's a cat in a tree, you help--

Oh, oh! Last year, two.

- Okay. - Two times.

Are these guys with you?

These guys are mine, yeah.

These guys are in my-- - Oh.

It's okay. Guys, it's okay.

It's just a-- - Hey!

- Hi! - Just a hostage situation.

We got it.

Hold on. Hold on one second.

Oh, they're talking to him. Hang on, sorry.

Yeah, okay. We got the bad guys.

They got 'em! Wow.

- Okay, so they're coming. - Wow.

- Okay. - Oh, my God!

You guys need backup?

Do you need-- could we?

Okay, that's a good joke.

- What are you-- - Hatzolah.

what are you gonna do with those guys?

Oh, we're going to take these guys--

we're going to ask them some questions.

- Okay, sure. - Ah!

Then we're going to kill them.

- Wow. - Happy Hanukkah!

I got another thing. There's a guy.

He stole a nuclear warhead.

- Unbelievable. - Oh, my gosh.

- Across town, so we gotta go-- - Oh, okay.

- We gotta go get that guy. - Oh, neat.

- Nice. - Oh, man, this was--

Break a--break a leg. - Wow.

- Thank you! - Thank you!

- Hatzolah! - Thank you!

- Thank you very much! - Hatzolah, Hatzolah!

- Thank you! - Hatzolah!

Besides the time I met Pat Sajak,

this was the most exciting day of my life.

- Did you meet Pat Sajak? - I did.

Seriously, don't fish without a license.

Visit the Nevada State Department of Wildlife

at www.ndow.com for your mandatory fishing permit.

And don't fucking do it.

Hey, followers!

It's Trudy Wiegel here

with Trudy's Trendy Tip number 6,428.

Ding.

And I'm gonna show you how you can

do some beauty stuff on a budget.

So today we're gonna talk about

getting rid of unwanted body hair.

So what I figured out was,

if you just go to your local hardware store,

and pick up just your standard rat glue trap,

you can do your own waxing at home.

Or if you have a gently used one

in your garage, that's probably okay too.

I probably don't have to talk you through this,

but, uh...

I will.

I haven't tried this before, but...

I'm just gonna count one...

two...

Ah!

Fuck!

Fuck me!

Sheriff's Department!

Sheriff's Department!

Ah!

- Oh, man. - Hey, hey, hey.

- Oh! - Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.

Inside voices, inside voices.

Got some MBMs right here. Mad Baseball Moms.

Time out!

All right. Everybody calm down.

Your son clearly was out!

Do you know how crazy you look right now?

- Oh, I look crazy? - Yes.

Oh, you wanna see me get crazy.

- Ugh! - Whoa!

Well, I guess we all have the potential for crazy.

Okay.

- Okay, okay! - Agh!

Your kid is bad at baseball.

Just admit it!

- Now you've done it! - Oh.

All right, that's it! Okay, all right!

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

- Put it down! - Uh-uh.

- Everybody, calm down. - You put it down!

- Calm down. - All right!

- You put it down. - Calm down, everybody.

- We're doing this? - I got two too!

- Are we doing this? - We can do that.

- We are not doing this. - All right.

Everybody calm down.

Hey. Hey.

Everybody's got a permit, right?

- Of course! - Oh, yes.

- Not irresponsible. - Yes.

Let's see 'em. Permit?

Left titty, man. It's right there.

- Well, looks good. - Good here!

- Yeah. - Good, he's good.

All right. Everybody's good.

You got a very old picture, ma'am.

All right. But it's still good.

- I didn't say it wasn't good. - I just said

it's an old picture. - Thank you.

Okay, so everybody's good.

Let's just take a big, cleansing breath, okay?

Out through the mouth.

And one more time, in through the nose.

And a dragon breath where you put the tongue out and go--

Fifteen second arm rest?

- Yes, please. - Oh, oh, my God.

Yeah, thank you. - My back hurts.

Oh, my God. And my--

I'm burning-- - It's like the blood just--

Ugh. - My forearms are burning.

Okay. And in three, two, and--

- All right. - Back up there.

Back up there. - Are we good?

You havin' a bachelorette party?

Yeah.

Aw. - Just married!

You're not supposed to be hanging out of the moonroof.

- What? - Haven't you ever

seen any movie? - Yeah.

Get out of the car.

Um, actually, no, because absolutely not.

- Okay. - We're on our way

to see a show with Australian guys

wangin' their dangs in our face.

- Oh. - Do you know that I need that?

And that that is for me.

All right. I'll take that.

- No, it's mine! - Uh, no, okay.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Nope, nope, nope.

Nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope!

Ladies, ladies.

Are you pregnant?

Get back in. Nope, nope, nope, nope.

Nope, nope, nope, nope, nope!

Walk this line. - Okay.

Touch your nose.

Yes, queen!

Yes, Rachel! - Whoo!

Step, touch. Step, touch.

Get back in line.

- Oh! - So the twos come forward

and the ones go back.

Pivot, step! Pivot, step!

Five, six, seven, eight!

Step, touch. Step, touch.

Step, touch. Get ready to pivot!

And pivot, step! Pivot, step.

Step, touch. Step, snort the coke!

And snort it, snort it, snort it, down.

And back up. Back up.

I love you. Love me!

- Oh, my God! - You know what--

If you have room for me,

like, can we go to Tahoe or something?

- Yes! - Okay, all right, all right.

Three way kiss?

Huh?

Vamos!

Andale, ándale!

Hey.

Welcome, officers, to my humble casita.

- Hi. - Oh!

You're just in time for lunch.

- Oh! - This is kind of nice.

- Oh, hey! - Hey!

- Guys! - Hey, I know those guys!

- Rizz! - Hey!

- Hi. - Jimbo!

Hi.

Oh, my God. It smells so good.

Welcome, welcome to my house.

What is rent on a place like this?

It's gotta be crazy, right? - Ah, no, no, no.

- Oh! - There's no rent.

- Yeah! - You pay for it.

In blood.

- Jim, you gotta try this corn. - Oh, my God.

- Oh, my God. - It's good!

It's delicious. Mm.

What is on the outside of this corn?

I thought it was parmesan.

It's not parmesan. - Is it parmesan cheese?

No, it's cotija cheese.

It's Mexican.

You don't remember me, do you?

No? - Mm-mm.

Not--not per se. - Let me jog your memory.

- Okay. - The last time I saw you...

- Uh-huh. - It was in a tunnel...

- Uh-huh. - In Mesquite.

You... - Mm-hmm.

And your fellow officers...

- Mm-hmm. - Were trying to kill me.

But like a phoenix rising from the ashes,

Sophia lives!

- Um-- - I do not forgive.

And I do not forget.

Okay.

No, nothing? You don't remember?

Oh, that was-- you were talking to me?

- Yes! - Oh, my gosh!

I--

You don't remember my face? Nothing?

God, I wanna remember you so bad!

- Are you a singer? - Anybody?

Mm, mm.

That is very upsetting.

Miss, Miss-- Miss Thing?

Uh, why, why-- why are we tied up?

And, and-- and why are those guys tied up?

Ah, yeah.

Yes, I thought you would ask that.

But first I have a question for all of you.

- Yeah, shoot. - Do you like...

carnitas?

- Barradas? - I don't know what that is.

- Or was it barracas? - Um...

Carnitas pork?

Oh, we love pork! all: Yeah, yeah, yeah!

Carnitas, carnitas!

I think you're all going to enjoy this meal

very, very much. - Oh, my goodness.

I'm excited about it.

Yes, go ahead. Eat up.

- Ah, holy shit! - Thank you!

- This is good! - They are amazing!

Isn't it delicious? - Oh, my God!

Like nothing you have ever tasted.

I've never tasted anything--

- Never anything like that, ah? - No!

It actually is like nothing I've ever tasted!

- Ah, yeah. - I've never tasted this--

Take another bite.

You guys sound great!

Tell me how much you like it.

Tell me!

I don't like it. I love it.

Ah, yes! You love it.

- It's so good. - How wonderful, yeah?

Miren, señores. I have a surprise for you.

- Okay! - Silencio!

The meat you are eating is not carnitas.

The meat is your friend and fellow officer,

Lieutenant Frans Braker!

- Uh... - Why no effect?

Don't know him.

- What now? - Uh, he's not with us.

He's not with our department. - What?

- Wh--wh-- - He ain't one of us.

- No, he looks DEA to me. - What, we all look alike?

- Like a FBI-- - I think--I actually bet

he's, like, a federal-- - All right, that's enough!

- Spit it out, spit it out! - Oh, my God!

- Stop eating! - Spit it out, spit it out!

- Aww. - Spit it out!

- Oh, come on. - That was so much work!

We found that guy, we murdered that guy.

We slow-roasted him 12 hours

in ancho chile mix that we were saving!

- Exactly. - 12 hours.

- That's the secret. - 12 hours.

Cesar! Ernesto!

Um-- oh!

Then can we take some of the corn with us to go?

Miguel, sit!

- Stop bossing me! - What a waste of a Saturday.