Original subtitles

♪ MTV ♪

Welcome to the distant future.

This is pretty neat because the state of Nevada

has given us--

rented us a virtual reality system,

which is for training purposes.

You can be in-- Travis, where are you now?

Yeah, it's not just a target range.

It's like a--I'm in, like, an inner city neighborhood.

We cross the street up going into the bike.

Shit.

- Sorry. - Shit.

Sorry.

Whoa, really scary guy!

Scary guy!

- Scary guy! - Get down!

Whoo-hoo!

Oh!

Holy shit!

Go!

- Good morning. - Good morning.

Sorry I'm late.

Good morning.

Morning. Good morning.

This morning's briefing is also brought to you by Panda Fridge.

Refrigerators only when you need them.

I used them before. They pretty good.

- Panda Fridge? - They're really good.

They're actually pretty good.

Football guy talk.

We got a update from Carson City.

We've never actually shot an unarmed white guy.

Never.

Mm.

Did we shoot--

You missed him, remember?

- Never? - Never.

There's a whole-- the guy got a thing.

There's a whole fax. I had to watch a PowerPoint

about all the folks we've shot of--

well, I mean, it's stupid, but I don't know--

So what is it they're-- they're asking?

Do we include Spaniards and Argentines in--in...

- Not in my America. - White?

Certainly, no one's saying

that we should shoot an unarmed white guy.

Well, just--yes.

I mean, I'm not saying it.

But just, like, statistically...

- Mm-hmm. - If we hit--

if we hit-- if we just hit one...

We should shoot it, but if we shot a white person,

it would be the worst thing.

I'ma put my feet up here.

You're dying for us to ask about the skates.

- Here's somebody. - I want that guy.

- He's white, right? - No, no, no, no, no.

Full-blown, like, beautiful Asian guy.

- No. - No, no, no. Trust me.

Check my browser history if you don't think

that's an Asian dude with a pompadour.

- That guy looks... - That looks pretty white.

Do you guys consider Italian white?

- No. - I don't either.

- I do. - You do?

Rizzo has always been a white man to me.

Rizzo?

- Wow. That's funny. - Wow.

- That is a white dude. - No.

He's got, like, you know, it's Armenian or something.

What is an Armenian? Does anyone know?

Armenian. I don't know.

It's them guys every once a year,

they drive around celebrating their genocide.

- Right, right, right. - The flags.

With the techno music.

- White guy. - Very unhappy white guy.

- I like this guy. Here we go. - Okay.

Does he look-- does he remind you of somebody?

He looks super familiar. Super familiar.

John Cusack.

No, no, no, no, no, no. There's like a--

oh, my God, it's like a face I see a lot.

- He's a news guy. - Yes.

Or it's like a two-dimensional thing or it's--

- Wasn't he the other guy? - "Wanted" poster.

He's from Reno poster.

- Hey, hey, guy! - Hey. Are you familiar--

Oh!

My shoes!

- Okay. - No, no, no, no, no, no.

- You know what? - Dang, all right.

- You know what, Mike? - Hey, dude.

Yeah, knock, knock.

Stay out of my way. I'm doing the big jump today.

- Hey, criminal mastermind. - Yeah?

Just--I just want to--

I'm just rattling around the thoughts in your head.

When you're going to commit a class D felony...

- Yeah. - Why would you stream it?

Because this is my action channel

and I have a landing ramp on the other side.

He's got--he does have

a landing ramp on the other side.

Oh, well, we shouldn't have come

if you have a landing ramp.

No. No, no, no!

Stop it.

- Did you make this yourself? - I did.

I didn't make the rascal, for Christ's sake.

Who would make a rascal, but the rascal people?

- Yeah. That's right. - I made the rockets.

I tied the rockets on and all the other stuff.

I have to say,

you have gotten more sophisticated over the years.

Thank you very much.

That's good stuff.

Do you like to have good things?

- No, I don't-- - I think the good--

the really good news about this, Mike--don't, stop it!

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no!

I blame you.

You are a big part of the problem.

Who?

The little children,

giving you thumbs up and hearts.

Hey, I got hearts?

That's better than,

"Fuck you, you old wasted dick face who sucks dicks."

That's what I usually get.

There's a lot of people that think I suck dicks, Dangle.

- You would know. - But there are, like,

children that say it to me.

- Yeah, filthy language. - You suck dick.

Yeah, you suck dickS.

You like to have dicks in your face.

- Yeah. - You love balls.

I'm an entertainer.

Outlaw. Entertainer.

Yeah, this, I get. This, I get.

- Oh, who doesn't get that? - Hey.

That's a sexy mountain to climb.

♪ Got to climb that mountain, get it on ♪

There's a story by Shirley Jackson called "The Lottery"

where they--they pick

one person every year to stone to death.

Yeah, and then he gets super stoned

and then he gets on this fucking bike.

- Fuck it. - It's sports.

- I fucking-- - Fucking do it.

- Fucking do it. - Fucking do it, genius.

Let's do it!

We got the green light! - Do it. I dare you.

- Oh, see? - Oh, shit.

Oh, shit.

Whoo-hoo!

There's really only one place in Reno

that symbolizes

the joie de vivre

of the cowboy lifestyle.

And that's Zapateria La Bailarina.

I got my ostrich boots there.

They say three payments,

but Oscar La Bailarina is kind of a slippery dude.

It ended up being more like 60 payments.

If there was ever a lesson that, you know,

an ostrich and a foam bar and Mykonos probably don't mix--

anyway, I'm gonna get-- just get them resold.

Not going to get the new ones

'cause I don't want to be a slave to La Bailarina anymore.

But got to get them resold.

♪ La Bailarina ♪

♪ The cowboy's nightlife ♪

Brand new.

Synthetic albino Komodo dragon.

36 payments. And they're all mine.

Whoa.

What?

Boom! He got me.

I obviously would never want to hurt a real Komodo dragon,

obviously because that would--

hang on a second.

How did we do this?

I don't know. No.

Oh, this is it. This is it right here.

- Yep. - You know these guys

aren't armed and they couldn't be any whiter.

One for you, one for me.

- This place is awful. - Hey, guys.

- Morning. - Hi, officers.

Hi, officers.

Wouldn't mind talking to you about the Book of Mormon.

I'm sorry. Do you mind just

taking your hand off your gun for a second?

It just makes me really nervous.

I'm nervous too.

I wasn't even noticing I was doing that.

It's just instinct, you know?

We--we just--we truly just want to talk about faith.

I'm a--a woman of deep faith.

But I've been sort of shopping around for a new one.

Elder, Elder, we have to get back--

Well, just-- just stay close to me.

While I read it, answer any questions I might have.

Do you know what I'm saying? - Elder.

- We're on a mission. - Elder, go, go, go!

We just wanna talk to you! Come on!

You don't need to--now look.

Take a shot! Take a shot!

Oh, Jesus.

Declan.

- Go, go, get 'em! - Take a shot, you got 'em!

- You do it! - You do it!

- I can't move right now. - I'm not gon--

- Sheriff's department. - Somebody called you guys.

I'm sorry we took a while.

Yeah, we just sat down to eat when we got the call.

I'm Steve. I'm the flight attendant

kind of in charge of economy class.

- Sure, sure. - Oh, exhausting!

Yeah, I bet. Yeah.

What happened wrong today...

Is, um, a woman--

and I don't want you to let her know we're talking about her--

in a blue chemise in the third row.

Guys, can I--

Shh, shh, shh.

Ma'am, ma'am! - Ma'am.

So she's sitting-- you know what?

I'll pretend that I'm her, okay?

And I'm going to sit here--

First of all, don't dress like that

if you wanna be taken seriously.

She's hitting the buzzer every 30 minutes.

"Oh, sorry. I need chopsticks." Oh--I come over.

She says, "Oh, I spilled all the nuts in my lap."

She said, "Can you grab them? Help me grab them."

So you'll be me.

And I put my hand down there, and I'm in--

she starts doing this, like, trying to--

trying to shove her vaginal mound into my wrist.

- Can you believe that? - You know?

So she says, "Go up there and grab my jacket

because, well, I'm seat belted in."

As I'm grabbing her jacket, she's doing this.

Just giving me little Eskimo kisses with her nose,

just like this.

Nice and slow. - This is--I do not--

I'm looking for a jacket that doesn't even exist.

Why is he wearing shorts?

And she's going like this pretending she's reaching

in the back for my jacket.

- Sheriffs-- - What's really happening is...

Excuse me.

I am getting ass raped by her vaginal mound!

Hey, excuse me. I'm so--

he doesn't work for the airline.

He's the one I called you about.

He was rubbing his groin on this passenger.

Shit. God damn it. Get down in first!

Don't get near me!

Or I will open this door

and suck you all out into space!

I don't think he's bluffing.

It's, like, 12 feet down, right?

14 feet? - It's, like, 12 feet.

Oh, there she is.

Okay. Hello.

No, thank you.

If I say no, thank you, no, thank you!

Want me to hold my call? Hello?

This is Jackie, yes. - You don't get service.

Shut the--

Hey, you got to pick this stuff up.

You have to pick it all up now!

- Oh, no, no, no. - Oh, come on.

Now, you have to pick it all up.

- No, Jackie. - Don't touch that--

What are--what are they?

Listen, smartass. What do you think this is?

It's used condoms and teeth in the bottom of the baggy.

Everybody's got those.

Jackie, please come with us. We don't want to touch you.

Please, come on.

- Oh, that came out of my nose. - Oh, man.

This happened again.

I'll do a thing. Just follow me--follow me.

- Okay. - Hey.

The two of us would like to-- to obtain your services.

So--but we want to do it in the car.

Yeah, so let's-- - God damn.

I haven't even had breakfast yet.

Well, let me first make sure I'm not pregnant.

What're you do-- oh, don't--no, don't pee.

Oh, God. It's for your own good.

You wanna fuck--

to pee out ammonia for the rest of the year?

That would be the least of my worries, that you're pregnant.

- I'm checking it. - Did she just pee?

I'm checking it!

No, we're good. Where do you want it?

- In the car. - Yeah.

- In the butt? - Yeah.

Oh, but--but, yes, but in the car.

- Okay. - Come on.

- I don't feel like it. - Let's go.

What kind of party can we have with a laxative

and some petroleum jelly?

It's nice in here. - Yeah, there you go.

- Okay. - Put that up.

Help. Oh, I'm shitting.

- Oh. - You say you're shitting?

No!

Responding to a call from Gary.

What're you--what-- Gary's like--

The racist.

Well, yeah, community organizer.

- Proud Boy. - Proud Boy.

Come on, guys.

Oh, they're cool, fellas. It's cool.

Thank you for coming.

Hey, DJ.

So what happens when you call 911, Gary?

A little bird told me you all are looking to

shoot somebody?

Hey, hey.

- Hey. - Hey!

Hey!

- What if I told you... - Mm-hmm.

I want you to shoot

moi?

Why do you want us to shoot you?

- You guys shoot a white man. - Yeah.

And now all of a sudden,

the Reno Sheriff's Department shoots everybody.

Black people aren't victimized.

They're just one of many victims that we terrorize.

They're one of the-- they just so happen to be

the vast majority, but not exclusive.

- Not exclusively. - Not exclusively.

A more equal opportunity to shoot us.

I don't hate the--

The same, you and me.

Yes. - What--hey, stop.

Now you'll get what you want and then

I am the Crispus Attucks of the new civil war.

Who was that? Remind me who that is?

Do you know Crispus Attucks?

Is that the guy with the Bendel

who planted all the seeds?

Who's the guys--

what are the three sounds of the breakfast cereal guys?

- Snap, crackle-- - Snap, crackle.

Crackle Crispus? - No.

Are you seriously thinking

one of our Black founders is the guy on cereal?

Snap, crackle, pop couldn't be Black?

None of our cereal people are black, okay?

You need to get on the same page.

None of them are people of color.

BS. What about Count Chocula?

- What about Count Chocula? - Count Chocula is not Black.

- He is. - His name is Chocolate. La.

I'm going to talk to some Black people.

So you want us to shoot you on purpose?

Yeah, but non-lethal.

Just in the way that it sends an entire...

By the way, I apologize.

You're right, Count Chocula-- - Count Chocula's Black.

Yes, he's Black.

It's a sad day here in Reno.

We have a frequent public nuisance named TT.

I'm not sure what happened to her,

but her aunt sure was a pillar in the community.

And so we're mourning her today.

The Reno Sheriff's Department has decided to pitch in

and we're all pallbearers for her--her coffin.

She was a great lady and she started a--

An afterschool program for homeless children.

Ugh!

She donated books to people in need.

And TT is going through her stages of grief.

It's--it's really heartbreaking.

I've never seen anything so sad.

You know,

everyone experiences bereavement differently.

So we try to have room for that experience.

Sometimes they cry. Sometimes they hug things.

Sometimes they dance.

Okay.

Ahh! - Oh.

All right.

My condolences.

- Thank you. - You're very welcome.

Yes! Yes!

Yes, yes, yes!

We appreciate you.

Thank you.

Oh.

- Be a lady. - Okay.

Okay. - Be a lady.

All right, we--uh--

we done--okay, yeah.

She's got to be easy.

Be a lady. Be a lady.

- All right, here we go. - Thank you, TT.

We really appreciate you guys.

Oh, absolutely.

I mean, in general. Yeah.

Oh, no, no. Well, thank you, thank you.

I wouldn't miss this for the world.

- TT. - Okay, okay.

Oh, no, let her-- she's gotta mourn.

Let her go. She's got to mourn too.

No hitting!

So, uh, excuse me.

Excuse--

Very sorry. Just have to--

Hey, you can't go through here!

- Oh? - They're doing a demolition.

They're doing a demolition! Back it up!

- All right. - Back it up.

So sorry. So sorry.

Rotate! Rotate!

Rotate right. - To starboard!

To the starboard!

Watch your--watch your step. There's a curb here.

There's a curb here. - Hard to port.

- Okay, here we go, here we go. - Hard to port.

Oh, God, no!

Oh, God, no! - Oh!

Go, go, go, go, go.

- Let's get through this. - Oh, God.

Oh, that was really, really-- - Go, go, go!

Okay.

Let's go. We're almost there.

Go, go, go, go, go!

Let's pick up the pace. Switch pace.

Did we make a wrong turn or something?

Whoa!

I think we made a wrong turn. I swear.

Shit!

Shit!

Are we following TT?

Turn.

A lot of rubble.

We're almost there. We're almost there.

This way. Y'all come this way.

Hard to starboard!

Hard to starboard!

Jesus. Okay.

Five, six, seven, eight, and...

Brothers and sisters. Brothers and sisters.

Please join me for a moment of silence.

all: - Moment of silence.

Wah!

We work really hard.

But if we didn't love it,

honestly, we wouldn't be here.

Believe it or not,

the Reno Sheriff's Department has jobs available.

Reno Sheriff's department is looking for a few good men,

and women, and transgender,

and non-gender specific Gen-Z-ers.

Even with criminal records!

Up to and including the retarded.

I love it here.

And if I didn't, I could quit at any time.

Really, I could just get up and walk out.

I'm so happy. I must be dreaming.

I didn't even use

my six hours of time off last Christmas.

So join the Reno Sheriff's Department.

all: Fax in your applications now.

Did you get him?

- Did he do it? - Did you get him?

- No. - I can't see from here.

Hold still.

Ready?

Gary, hold still.

Bend your knees, Junior.

Gary, close your eyes. You're freaking him out.

Oh, he got--

Hey, Gary, you forgot your candy bar.

Ow!

Oh, God damn it.

Sorry!

Somebody's got to suck that out.

Let me suck it out.

- No. - Let me suck it out.

I got to suck it out. I got to suck it out.

Suck it out. Suck it out. Suck it out. Suck it out.

- No, no, no, no, no. - So I'm going to suck it out.

Jim, don't do that.

I--I haven't been tested, dude.

You know, it was funny.

'Cause I used to say that the Boy Scouts

mostly traumatized me with some of the, you know--

I got this.

Some of the super weird gay stuff that happened to me.

- Jim, let me just-- - I got it.