Original subtitles

Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen.

I can't tell you how pleased I am to be here

making this mandatory public apology.

49 years ago, the Reno Sheriff's Department

made a hum... dinger of a goof.

Bob Heron here was wrongfully convicted

as the dumpster rapist.

So it is my pleasure to present to you

Mr. Bob Heron, not the dumpster rapist at all

just a guy...

...just a guy who spent 49 years in jail.

Mr. Bob Heron, everybody.

- Whoo! - Not a rapist. Not a rapist

- Our bad. - Our bad.

Bobby?

- Aah! - Son of a bitch.

God, damn it.

They all have guns!

Woo-hoo!

Ow!

Push 'em. Push 'em together?

Get off the bike! I need your bike!

Oh, God!

Boss, boss, you're over the line.

Aah!

'Good morning, everybody.'

- 'Good morning.' - What's up?

Hey! Terrific news.

Uh, let's all congratulate him.

Uh, Jack Declan has completed...

...his 16 hours of mandatory anger management training.

Can I tell you something?

If you end up, if you ever end up

having to deal with those numb-nut [bleep] knobs

'all you got to do is just play it [bleep] poker-face.'

You don't owe them a smile. You don't owe them a hug.

All you got to do is [bleep] keep it neutral.

And they'll let you walk out the [bleep] door

and then do whatever the [bleep] you want.

Ugh!

Money well spent.

Should we not bring out the cake?

Uh, no. [beep] the cake. the cake.

'Um, as you know, uh, we've been threatened'

with a lawsuit by Viacom International

we do not enforce their copyrights.

Uh, their claim is that we're not...

And they're filing this in many states

that local law enforcement is not doing enough

to enforce copyrights on their copyrighted characters.

I'm taking about your "SpongeBob SquarePants..."

- What? - "Dora the Explorers".

Like your DVD collection of that "Smurf" porn...

'Blah, blah, blah.'

- That's completely different. - 'We're talking about...'

We're talking about merchandise.

I have a "Little Black Sambo"

potholder collection.

Are they gonna freak out about that?

- Viacom? - Yeah.

Highly unlikely, or did you mean the black people

near the table are gonna freak out?

'Anybody? Is any...'

I think there's a solid chance these guys might freak out.

- I'm afraid to look over there. - Don't look over there.

You seem pretty tense a lot of the time.

Did somethin' happen to you in that time

that you were in Chicago? That's where you were, right?

- Chicago, right? - Uh-hm.

Somethin' happen or somethin'?

It was a concentrated time

of a lot of high-stakes situations

that ended me up...

They call it posttraumatic stress syndrome.

Mm-hm. Okay. But you're telling me you're fine.

Oh, I'd love to hear you say it out loud.

There's a lot of gangs in Reno, two main gangs

the 15th Street Gang and the Kings.

And they like to tag their walls

with these awful graffiti.

'Cause they don't got a damn thing else to do.

Yeah, so we get, about once a month

make our [beep] hole look like a little bit less

of a [beep] hole.

Damn Kings.

Oh, God!

You think that was the 15th Street Gang?

- Sorry, we were... - We're gonna put it back!

Okay. There we go. No problem.

- 'Aah!' - 'Get down, Williams!'

That must have been the Kings.

Holla back. All up in the house, the Kings.

You're my favorite gang. Alright, what color...

I think that was my damn mama in that car.

I'm getting too old for this [beep].

- Reno Sheriff's Department. - Sheriff's Department.

'Hey, what are you guys doin'?'

We are going door to door

confiscating unlicensed merchandise.

This is a kids' party, officers.

'Sorry. It's also copyright infringement.'

This right here is not "Dora the Explorer."

that is Dora the exploited.

How was I supposed to know I got these at...

You want a hint? You want a hint next time?

'Mexicans don't have green eyes.'

'Ah, no, no, no.'

'My sister-in-law has green eyes.'

'Well, then she got raped by an Irishman.'

I pay my taxes, I cooperate...

'I don't care about your taxes.'

'It has nothing to do with your taxes.'

Hey, hey! Whoa, whoa, whoa! Uh-uh.

No, no, no, no, no!

- You nasty little hooker. - Come on! Run! Run!

'Get 'em, kids! Get 'em!'

Aah! Aah!

Son of a...

'Aah!'

Get in the car! Get in the car!

Aah! That was like a Vietnam movie, man.

Spanish Radio Station number one in Reno.

We are here with the Reno Sheriff Department.

Uh, we are here to, to ask the gangs

the, the Latin Gangs and the Black Gangs

to all come together so that we can unify...

Yeah, black and brown, get down.

G-get down.

To the Spanish people of Reno

if you see a black police officer

they will give you their guns para to shoot the white man.

This is it...

I'm not so sure that we wanna...

- We don't wanna kill the... - We don't... Anybody.

Ah, si. But we can agree on one thing.

We can agree on one thing.

- Crush Los gays. - No, no, no...

That's all the time we have on here today.

- That's it. - No. Let's not do that.

That was great. Thank you so much.

- That was great. - Can I, can I hug you?

Yes! Of course. Yes, si.

Oh, can you feel it?

- What's wrong? - Our brakes are out in the car!

Your brakes are out, okay

everything's gonna be just fine, alright?

- We got a baby... - There's a baby in the car?

Okay, everything's... Just calm down.

Gina, I want you to keep pumping those brakes.

- Lisa, pass the baby to me. - What?

I'm gonna, I'm gonna wedge this in the accelerator

so I can help you out.

- Oh, God! Okay. - Okay?

Alright, lady. Here we go.

- Oh, my God. Oh, God. - Aah!

Got it! Got it! Got it!

- Oh, God. - Oh, my God.

- You got to be kidding me. - Save him.

Alright. Oh, God.

- Alright. - Alright.

Aah!

Okay. Okay.

- Gina! - Oh, my God!

It's working. It's working. I got it back!

It's working, okay. Okay.

Let me just pull out this. I'll pull out the baton.

- It's stuck! - What's stuck?

My baton's stuck. We can't stop the car.

- We're coming back over. - What?

- We're coming back over! - No! Oh, my God.

Okay. We're coming back over.

No more cats. Uh.

Okay, here we go. Are you ready?

- Okay. Oh! - Aah!

God, damn it. Why, Rizzo?

God, now, listen, listen...

...I think there's an airbag in there.

I think there's an airbag on that side. I'm sorry, bro.

you, grandpa.

I'm out of my mind on crystal methamphetamine.

My libido has gone completely haywire.

And I'm fixing on raping you.

Please, don't rape me. I'm your grandpa.

Shut up! And take a raping, grandpa.

Mm. Uh-uh!

Another crystal meth grandpa raped.

Another horrible case of senior abuse

but one that's tragically on the rise in Washoe County.

Even one senior citizen crystal meth rape

is too many for our community.

And the number we had last year, baby

it's unacceptable.

Now, if you or someone you know

witness a senior rape, do the right thing

and contact the Reno Sheriff's Department

immediately.

So, anyway, it turns out that, that

uh, stuff for the crotch rot

and the stuff for the feet rot, the same stuff.

- No, the same powder? - . No.

- Drop it. - Don't freak out.

- 'Drop the gun! Whoa!' - Don't wig out.

- Hand over the pinata, Mike. - That pinata...

Do not shoot that pinata!

- Do not shoot that pinata! - You guys got...

You take that gun off that pinata right now!

- Drop the goddamn gun. - Drop the gun!

Let's drop on the count of three! Here we go!

- Let's count it down together. - One.

Two. Three

- Nah. - Come on!

You weren't gonna drop it.

- You weren't gonna drop it... - I was too.

- You just didn't say three. - Look...

Hey, hey, hey. Don't freak out.

I've got my gum in there. It's a gum gun.

- 'What the...' - 'God dammit [bleep] retard.'

- It's a gum gun. - Give us your gun.

- I'll [beep] do it. - 'You'll do what?'

- Oh, I'll do it. - Chew gum out of it?

What are you gonna do? Chew gum?

Lemme, let a dude have his gum gun.

- Let the man have his gum gun! - You know what...

Uh, you stink. You live in a garbage dump.

- You're an idiot. - Oh-ho!

I live in a garbage dump?

- Yeah, you live in a garbage... - You call that a garbage dump?

I call that a garbage dump.

I don't know what it's like

over in your crystal palace, Mrs. Rockefeller...

You don't call me misses!

Where you have 20 [beep] slaves

working for you night and day and a Filipino jockey.

So my husband Craig was executed

by the state because he was a serial killer.

And before he died, uh, he made these lovely videotapes

for our unborn son.

I'll let you guys see the tapes.

Kind of fun.

This is not normal white people stuff.

Welcome, Camper.

- I'm your dad, Craig. - 'Aw!'

You're probably wondering why I'm not around.

It's because I killed a bunch of people.

And then the state caught me.

And then they're gonna kill me

and that's why you're not gonna see me.

- What's funny? Nothing's funny. - It's funny 'cause it's true.

I'm not ignoring you. I'm just dead.

Guess what today is?

It's your first birthday.

- Happy birthday. - Aw!

Blow out your candles.

Awesome. You did an awesome job.

If this is your second birthday

fast forward two seconds.

Happy second birthday.

Blow out your candles.

You did an awesome job.

If this is your third birthday

fast forward two seconds.

- Oh! - Can we just...

- How many birthdays does he do? - Happy third birthday.

You did an awesome job.

'If this is your fourth birthday fast forward two seconds.'

Did you make baby with this guy?

- Yeah. We sold it, though. - Holy God!

'If this is your 40th birthday...'

Oh, wow.

'Happy 40th birthday, blow out your candles.'

'If this is your 106th birthday.'

Happy 106th birthday, blow out your candles.

Awesome job. You're probably dead by now.

But if you're not, you've broken some kind of record.

So, congratulations. You did an awesome job.

'What a dad.'

- Who wants a raunchy? - I'll have a raunchy.

I didn't mean to say it in a racist way, Cindy.

- A raunchy? - You know, what I meant.

- I meant luncheon. - But I rikey raunchy.

- I said it in a slightly... - I rikey raunchy too.

We all rikey raunchy.

- Let's do it. - Don't high-five them.

- They're both insulting you. - No. It sounds great.

It's not insulting, it's just talking

like you in a sing-song way, like you talk.

It's not insulting, I just a rikey

to have-a some-a raunchy.

Yeah!

But, seriously, get us some lunch, would you?

- Yeah... - Okay.

- I'll be right back. - Thanks.

And none of that Chinese [beep].

We're here at the high school today

just, you know, checking the metal detector.

Keeping the school safe.

- Hello. - Morning.

What time you, um, wanna go to the--

Hey, Hey, hey, honey...

Come back here, you, you thought it was a good idea

to come outside this morning with all of this out?

- You look like a whore. - You do.

- You do look like a whore. - Mm-hm.

You look like a filthy, a filthy little whore.

- There we go. What! Hey... - That looks nice on you.

That looks nice on you.

- Hi, there, handsome. - Not handsome at all.

In fact, a sad homely, homely child.

- But Appropriately dressed. - But appropriately dressed.

- Huh? Whoa. Hey! - Hey! Hey! Hey!

- Hey, hey, hey. - Seriously?

Oh-ho! And I do mean, ho.

When you grow up and you get a real job

you're not gonna be able to walk around

with your ta-tas hangin' out and your hoo-hoos hangin' out

for everybody to see, okay?

Sorry, I am, I am grown up, and I do have a real job.

- Sure you do, you work at... - Oh, you grown!

You just grown, huh?

No, I'm, I'm the principal.

- Oh. - Oh.

And a great principal you are.

You know how I know?

The kids are terrific.

Yeah, they are.

Hang in there, girl. I mean, good job.

- Good job. - Thank you.

By the way, I love your thong.

I would wear one too

but I...huge thicket of pubes.

- 'Son of a bitch.' - 'Come on. You kidding me?'

Not today. Drop the ice-cream fliers!

Okay. Oh! Ah! Hey, oh.

- Take off the sponge. - I don't, uh...

- Take it off. - O-oh!

What? What is that? What is that?

- What is that? - What are you doing?

Uh, I, I get frustrated.

When I get frustrated, I, uh, I experience...

You don't get cartoon frustrated with me.

- Look... - Arresting SpongeBob!

This is my job, okay?

And you're making my job difficult.

Yup.

Now, I wanna go home tonight.

I want to relax in front of some TV.

I wanna whack it, and I wanna go to sleep early.

'But if you give me a hard time'

I'm gonna think all night about

how I wished I'd killed you.

Now, you take off this [beep] costume.

- Sorry, kids. - Frickin' costume, kids.

I can't believe you, you guys are really...

- Not the real SpongeBob, kids. - Yeah, don't get freaked out.

'This is just a bad man.'

- Hey, hey. - Oh!

Are those officially licensed Batman underpants?

- I pray to God. - No, you don't.

- Take off the underpants. - Take off the underpants!

- Take off... - Get out of the way!

- I got a clean shot! - Take off the underpants.

Move over! Travis, move over!

- Get him! - Alright.

Let me see those things.

You're good kids.

You eat that ice-cream.

'Check the girl's socks.'

Oh, no.

I'm sorry. Don't hate the police.

Hate your parents.

- 'My name is Glen.' - 'My name is Bill.'

- And who here likes vacations? - I do.

'But it's tough to take vacation'

when you only have five days allotted the entire year.

You know what? We're gonna do a little magic here.

What would you say if we took those five days...

We took those five days and we

abracadabra made them ten days!

Whoo! Ten days of vacation time!

- Wow. - Yeah!

Is that happening? Is that happening?

'It can happen, it can happen'

if you believe in the program we're talking about.

We're talking about a program.

Who wants to book a vacation? No one, right?

'Who wants to think about where they're going?'

Who wants to, uh, call up a hotel, go on-line?

That sounds like a lot of hassle to me.

- 'It is.' - 'Exactly.'

'It is a lot of hassle, but not anymore.'

If you want ten days, all you have to do is vacation

at one of three resorts that we have predetermined for you.

'A resort like a resort-resort?'

It's a resort in the greater Tampa metropolitan area.

- Wow. - ya!

'And they are so nice.'

How about a place called Casa Laguna? Boom!

- Casa Lagunas! - Yeah!

'It all takes place'

right here, here, and here in Tampa.

what the hell is that?

Guys, it is so beautiful. You got to see this place.

You are just a short tram ride away from the beach.

How could we possibly afford this on a cop's salary?

'Well, that's the thing.'

What we do is we go like this.

- Oh, oh, oh! - Oh, oh, oh! Boom!

'What are we talking about right here, guys?'

- We talking about Tupperware's. - Yeah.

All you got to do is sell over 50 dollars

of Tupperware to three to five friends.

Every week for the next six months.

And then you will qualify for the package.

What was your favorite time in your life?

When you had sleepovers with your friends? Yeah!

- Yeah. - I love sleepovers.

- Everybody all together, right? - Yeah!

Well, we are gonna give you a bona fide dorm room experience

because you are gonna be sharing this condo

with up to seven different people.

And some of them the beauty of it, you don't even know 'em

so you make new friends.

And we're gonna talk about security too.

Every window has bars on them.

- You're protected. - 'Great.'

You're not gonna have to worry

about your stuff getting stolen.

And if you're afraid of other things

that might happen at the beach

such as shark attacks, did you know

that the occurrence of a shark attack

the odds of that happening are so miniscule

to almost be negligible?

It's so negative able it makes me wonder

why you even brought it up.

'Well, we have to bring it up by law.'

So we get ten nights, and it all includes

a resort, two rides on the tram, a job, mandatory lectures

and all we have to do is sell $12,000 worth of Tupperware!

- Exactly! - Exactly!

- I'm going to the Tampa area! - Yeah!

We need an investment from you for the Tupperware.

So you're gonna put some money out.

And then you're gonna get your money back...

- Am I right? - Yeah.

Come outside to our van.

And we are gonna give you some Tupperware!

Tupperware! Tupperware! Tupperware! Tupperware!

'We can just throw all this stuff off here?'

- 'I feel like a crap sandwich.' - 'How do you mean?'

I didn't get into law enforcement

to make a bunch of kids miserable.

I got into law enforcement for the outside possibility

I'd get to shoot a man and get away with it

through self-defense.

I've always felt like I was the wrathful hand of God.

Today I felt like I was the devil clawing up

from hell and stealing happiness from children.

Listen.

You hear that?

It sounds like a party.

It sounds like, uh...

...quinceanera music, birthday party.

How can they be celebrating?

I saw them all crying and screaming and begging.

I even stole a little girl's SpongeBob leggings.

How can they be... celebrating?

They're down there celebrating without pinatas.

But they shouldn't have to.

You know what?

I thought I'd never say this.

But [bleep] Johnny Law.

Let's run some red lights. Whoo!

- Hey! - Today's on us.

Free almost-genuine SpongeBob!

- You got a kid? - Everybody loves SpongeBob.

This is kinda like SpongeBob.

Hold it, you're under arrest for copyright infringement.

Get away from the car. Do it, go, go, go.

- 'Boy, your car's...' - Push my head down.

I hit my head, I'm gonna [bleep] kill you.

You do not [bleep] with Viacom.

- Yes, sir. - Over there.

High Sierre Carpeting.

- Do you guys like menudo? - This together.

- Um, uh... sure. - Yeah. Menudo?

- Yeah. - Can you say menudo?

- We like menudo. - What about manu-re?

No, Ch-Ch-Chupacabra?

What are you... What is that?

That's manu-re!

Menudo is the new manure.

- 'Will you stop.' - Uh-oh!

Mm, mm. Perdoname.

That was the baby in the Radio Station.