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1
00:00:05,505 --> 00:00:07,256
You know, it is estimated
that the American workforce
2
00:00:07,257 --> 00:00:11,093
has lost 80 to 87%
of its productivity
3
00:00:11,094 --> 00:00:13,262
after the invention
of the Internet.
4
00:00:13,263 --> 00:00:15,472
Thank you, Al Gore.
5
00:00:15,473 --> 00:00:18,475
Uh, they ain't exactly
googling it for recipes, either.
6
00:00:18,476 --> 00:00:20,978
What they're doing is
they're googling porn.
7
00:00:20,979 --> 00:00:22,938
We at the Reno
Sheriff's Department
8
00:00:22,939 --> 00:00:24,440
have, uh, safe search
9
00:00:24,441 --> 00:00:27,067
embedded into
each of our computers
10
00:00:27,068 --> 00:00:29,778
but... you can get around that.
11
00:00:29,779 --> 00:00:32,239
What you got to do is you got
to break into the matrix.
12
00:00:32,240 --> 00:00:34,783
'Most computers
intimidate people'
13
00:00:34,784 --> 00:00:36,285
''cause you think
they're too complicated'
14
00:00:36,286 --> 00:00:39,788
'but they're no more complicated
than the human brain'
15
00:00:39,789 --> 00:00:42,624
'or a '72
Chevy combustion engine.'
16
00:00:42,625 --> 00:00:45,043
Alright. Release the porn.
17
00:00:49,758 --> 00:00:52,134
'Aah! Oh, my God!
What's happening?'
18
00:00:52,135 --> 00:00:53,302
Let's go, Joe. Let's go, Joe.
19
00:00:56,139 --> 00:00:57,431
You son of a bitch.
Goddamn it!
20
00:01:03,104 --> 00:01:04,647
{\an8}They all have guns!
21
00:01:08,735 --> 00:01:09,402
{\an8}Whoo-hoo!
22
00:01:12,906 --> 00:01:13,822
Ow!
23
00:01:13,823 --> 00:01:14,990
Push them, push them together?
24
00:01:14,991 --> 00:01:16,826
{\an8}Get off the bike!
Off your bike.
25
00:01:18,620 --> 00:01:19,788
Oh, God!
26
00:01:26,377 --> 00:01:27,420
{\an8}Huh.
27
00:01:40,934 --> 00:01:42,643
{\an8}♪ I want some linoleum floors ♪
28
00:01:42,644 --> 00:01:44,853
{\an8}♪ You want
some linoleum floors ♪
29
00:01:44,854 --> 00:01:46,313
♪ Who wants linoleum floors? ♪
30
00:01:46,314 --> 00:01:48,565
♪ Everybody wants
linoleum floors ♪
31
00:01:48,566 --> 00:01:52,528
♪ Tiles parquet hardwood? Okay ♪
32
00:01:52,529 --> 00:01:54,696
{\an8}♪ Bathrooms kitchens ♪
33
00:01:54,697 --> 00:01:56,740
♪ Hallways bitchin' ♪
34
00:01:56,741 --> 00:01:58,659
♪ Linoleum linoleum ♪
35
00:01:58,660 --> 00:02:00,744
♪ We got linoleum floors ♪
36
00:02:00,745 --> 00:02:02,163
♪ Dance party ♪
37
00:02:03,832 --> 00:02:05,374
- Ah, I love that.
- I love linoleum guy.
38
00:02:05,375 --> 00:02:07,167
- That's my favorite commercial.
- Yeah.
39
00:02:07,168 --> 00:02:09,253
'What would you say
if I told you'
40
00:02:09,254 --> 00:02:12,214
we have just hired
41
00:02:12,215 --> 00:02:13,882
the linoleum floor guy
42
00:02:13,883 --> 00:02:16,844
to do
our new recruitment commercial?
43
00:02:16,845 --> 00:02:17,886
- What?
- We got him?
44
00:02:17,887 --> 00:02:19,513
I would call you
a [bleep] liar.
45
00:02:19,514 --> 00:02:21,765
- We got the linoleum guy?
- We got him.
46
00:02:21,766 --> 00:02:22,808
Will we get to meet him?
47
00:02:22,809 --> 00:02:24,726
Get to meet him,
have to meet him.
48
00:02:24,727 --> 00:02:27,312
Uh, first off, he has a name.
His name is Levon French.
49
00:02:27,313 --> 00:02:28,272
'He says he can do it
for the $8000.'
50
00:02:28,273 --> 00:02:30,983
He wants interviews
with everybody.
51
00:02:30,984 --> 00:02:32,693
He's gonna shoot some footage
with all of us--
52
00:02:32,694 --> 00:02:34,027
Yes!
53
00:02:34,028 --> 00:02:35,237
♪ Who wants linoleum floors? ♪
54
00:02:35,238 --> 00:02:38,532
♪ I want linoleum floors
You... ♪
55
00:02:38,533 --> 00:02:39,449
Do that, do that, do that.
56
00:02:39,450 --> 00:02:43,203
♪ Tile parquet hardwood? ♪
57
00:02:43,204 --> 00:02:44,538
♪ Okay ♪
58
00:02:44,539 --> 00:02:45,289
- 'Did you speak to him?'
- Of course.
59
00:02:45,290 --> 00:02:46,331
- Yeah?
- 'Yeah.'
60
00:02:46,332 --> 00:02:48,584
What does his voice sound like?
61
00:02:48,585 --> 00:02:51,086
He's, um, well, uh
62
00:02:51,087 --> 00:02:52,463
he's very well-spoken...
63
00:02:57,468 --> 00:02:59,928
...for a, for a black guy,
and then he's, uh--
64
00:02:59,929 --> 00:03:03,390
By the way, Jim, by the way,
Jim, do I speak clearly
65
00:03:03,391 --> 00:03:04,933
and-and, and...
66
00:03:04,934 --> 00:03:09,396
and clearly as, for a black man?
67
00:03:09,397 --> 00:03:10,314
- Often, but not right then.
- 'Not right then?'
68
00:03:10,315 --> 00:03:12,441
That was a bad example.
Go again.
69
00:03:12,442 --> 00:03:15,110
I was gonna be offended,
but, uh, you're right.
70
00:03:15,111 --> 00:03:16,737
You got me on that one.
That was bad.
71
00:03:22,702 --> 00:03:24,703
{\an8}The old Jeffers' shack
was never haunted
72
00:03:24,704 --> 00:03:25,621
{\an8}never haunted at all.
73
00:03:25,622 --> 00:03:27,956
Old man Jeffers
just wanted everybody
74
00:03:27,957 --> 00:03:29,416
to think it was haunted
75
00:03:29,417 --> 00:03:32,294
so he could make crystal meth
in it, but don't you worry.
76
00:03:32,295 --> 00:03:33,921
Thanks to you guys
77
00:03:33,922 --> 00:03:37,507
old man Jeffers is going to jail
for a very, very long time.
78
00:03:37,508 --> 00:03:38,800
I would've
gotten away with it, too
79
00:03:38,801 --> 00:03:40,093
if it wasn't for you
kids!
80
00:03:40,094 --> 00:03:41,970
- Hey, hey, hey, hey.
- Hey, hey, hey.
81
00:03:41,971 --> 00:03:44,348
'I'm gonna kill you kids.
You're so [bleep] dead.'
82
00:03:44,349 --> 00:03:46,391
I'm gonna find where you live.
83
00:03:46,392 --> 00:03:47,935
I'm gonna come
to your [bleep] house.
84
00:03:47,936 --> 00:03:49,978
I'm gonna kill your families,
I'm gonna kill you!
85
00:03:49,979 --> 00:03:50,604
I'm gonna cut
your parents' faces off
86
00:03:50,605 --> 00:03:52,856
while you're still alive.
87
00:03:52,857 --> 00:03:55,984
Then I'm gonna skull[bleep] you
to the music of their anguish!
88
00:03:55,985 --> 00:03:57,611
You [bleep] kids, you.
89
00:03:57,612 --> 00:03:59,613
You, I'm gonna cut a
sized hole in your chest
90
00:03:59,614 --> 00:04:01,156
and [bleep] your heart.
91
00:04:01,157 --> 00:04:02,532
I'm gonna kill everyone
who ever knew you.
92
00:04:02,533 --> 00:04:04,952
I don't care if I have to get
every man, woman and child
93
00:04:04,953 --> 00:04:06,328
in Storey County!
94
00:04:06,329 --> 00:04:07,829
Okay. This is Washoe County,
by the way.
95
00:04:07,830 --> 00:04:09,707
It's Storey County!
96
00:04:13,211 --> 00:04:13,877
Oh, crap,
are we in Storey County?
97
00:04:13,878 --> 00:04:14,461
- This is Storey County?
- Really?
98
00:04:14,462 --> 00:04:16,505
This is Storey county.
99
00:04:16,506 --> 00:04:18,048
- The shack is in Storey County?
- The...
100
00:04:18,049 --> 00:04:19,508
Yes. This is Storey County.
Look at a [bleep] map!
101
00:04:19,509 --> 00:04:21,551
Where does this become
Storey County, after the 40?
102
00:04:21,552 --> 00:04:24,721
- After the 40.
- Oh, boy. Oh, boy, boy.
103
00:04:24,722 --> 00:04:27,015
This is, this is
not our jurisdiction. Yikes.
104
00:04:27,016 --> 00:04:29,184
{\an8}Um, wow. That was so our bad.
105
00:04:29,185 --> 00:04:32,020
Uh, old man Jeffers,
you are...
106
00:04:32,021 --> 00:04:34,147
Even grown-ups make mistakes.
107
00:04:34,148 --> 00:04:35,524
- So sorry about that.
- Here you go, sir.
108
00:04:35,525 --> 00:04:38,193
Sorry for troubling you.
Thanks, kids. Way to go.
109
00:04:38,194 --> 00:04:40,487
- Have a great... evening.
- And, uh, sorry about that.
110
00:04:40,488 --> 00:04:41,697
The 40 is, uh, that way?
111
00:04:45,243 --> 00:04:46,535
{\an8}You know, Levon French
has one of them personalities
112
00:04:46,536 --> 00:04:49,579
{\an8}that's just magnetic, you know?
113
00:04:49,580 --> 00:04:51,206
I think there's some actors
114
00:04:51,207 --> 00:04:52,874
who I could just watch
read the phone book
115
00:04:52,875 --> 00:04:57,212
like Adrienne Barbeau
or Burt Reynolds
116
00:04:57,213 --> 00:04:58,505
you know,
that you're just sucked in.
117
00:04:58,506 --> 00:05:01,550
And, and Levon French
is that kind of man.
118
00:05:01,551 --> 00:05:04,469
Why did you pick only people
from "The Cannonball Run?"
119
00:05:04,470 --> 00:05:06,513
Would you say that Dom DeLuise
120
00:05:06,514 --> 00:05:08,015
you could watch him
read the phone book, too?
121
00:05:08,016 --> 00:05:10,350
Yeah. Dude, if he could
keep a straight face...
122
00:05:10,351 --> 00:05:11,560
I don't think he could,
old bum DeLuise.
123
00:05:14,439 --> 00:05:18,608
{\an8}Oh, smells like show biz
in here.
124
00:05:18,609 --> 00:05:19,818
{\an8}Smells like Cinnabon.
125
00:05:19,819 --> 00:05:22,529
Well, 'cause that's, uh,
right next door.
126
00:05:22,530 --> 00:05:25,032
You would never, ever know
this was in a strip mall.
127
00:05:25,033 --> 00:05:26,116
Never would know.
128
00:05:26,117 --> 00:05:27,701
Oh, my goodness. Oh, wow.
129
00:05:27,702 --> 00:05:30,912
- Hi. Very big fan.
- Yes.
130
00:05:30,913 --> 00:05:32,581
- Okay.
- I don't know. Okay.
131
00:05:32,582 --> 00:05:33,749
- We were supposed to.
- We were supposed to do that.
132
00:05:33,750 --> 00:05:36,084
- Very nice to meet you, ma'am.
- Have a seat, gentlemen.
133
00:05:36,085 --> 00:05:38,128
That was only for
because you're a lady
134
00:05:38,129 --> 00:05:40,589
'not for any other reason.'
135
00:05:40,590 --> 00:05:43,383
- 'Mr. French--'
- We need your magic.
136
00:05:43,384 --> 00:05:46,636
- We need you to do--
- What you did for linoleum.
137
00:05:46,637 --> 00:05:48,263
We need to be your linoleum now.
138
00:05:48,264 --> 00:05:50,599
- Mm, mm.
- 'That's a no or a yes?'
139
00:05:50,600 --> 00:05:52,225
Mm. That's a mm.
140
00:05:52,226 --> 00:05:53,602
Okay, this is,
we had discussed on the phone
141
00:05:53,603 --> 00:05:57,606
uh, for the recruitment video,
it's $8000.
142
00:05:57,607 --> 00:06:00,901
Let me, let me just, uh, see.
143
00:06:00,902 --> 00:06:04,946
I don't do this
for the money, okay?
144
00:06:04,947 --> 00:06:06,573
- Oh.
- You see what I'm saying?
145
00:06:06,574 --> 00:06:09,951
- Yeah.
- I don't do this to get paid.
146
00:06:09,952 --> 00:06:12,245
- I don't do this to be famous.
- 'Wow!'
147
00:06:12,246 --> 00:06:14,289
I do this out of love.
148
00:06:14,290 --> 00:06:16,500
- This is the best news ever.
- Wow!
149
00:06:16,501 --> 00:06:18,502
So...
Kat Kat...
150
00:06:18,503 --> 00:06:21,630
The thing, though, is...
151
00:06:21,631 --> 00:06:25,967
...I need you... to trust me.
152
00:06:25,968 --> 00:06:29,012
- Oh, we do.
- Uh-uh, uh-uh.
153
00:06:29,013 --> 00:06:30,931
- We don't--
- We don't trust you.
154
00:06:30,932 --> 00:06:33,809
- We do not, not at all, sir.
- Trust me.
155
00:06:33,810 --> 00:06:35,435
As soon as
we can get shooting...
156
00:06:35,436 --> 00:06:38,480
We would love to get shooting
just as soon as possible and--
157
00:06:38,481 --> 00:06:40,774
- Four o'clock.
- Great.
158
00:06:40,775 --> 00:06:42,651
Was I supposed to kiss this
the first time? I'm not...
159
00:06:42,652 --> 00:06:44,946
- I'm honestly not positive.
- Trust.
160
00:06:48,533 --> 00:06:49,617
That was a yes, right?
161
00:06:51,077 --> 00:06:51,993
Boy, I hope so.
162
00:06:54,831 --> 00:06:58,166
{\an8}This is the last
nice place in town, too.
163
00:06:58,167 --> 00:06:59,751
{\an8}- Terry!
- Sheriff's department.
164
00:06:59,752 --> 00:07:01,878
- 'Shh...'
- Sheriff's department.
165
00:07:01,879 --> 00:07:02,671
- Don't shush us.
- Don't you shush us.
166
00:07:02,672 --> 00:07:04,631
Don't you shush us.
167
00:07:04,632 --> 00:07:06,466
Don't run. Don't flee.
Don't flee.
168
00:07:06,467 --> 00:07:08,677
Don't you flee. Don't you flee
and don't shush us.
169
00:07:08,678 --> 00:07:10,011
- Terry.
- Shh.
170
00:07:10,012 --> 00:07:12,180
Who's been hosting
story time here?
171
00:07:12,181 --> 00:07:13,014
Which, by the way they love, yes
172
00:07:13,015 --> 00:07:14,850
and they love
that you do that as--
173
00:07:14,851 --> 00:07:17,394
- It is so fun.
- It is fun.
174
00:07:17,395 --> 00:07:19,187
I think I'm addicted
to story time.
175
00:07:19,188 --> 00:07:20,105
You're addicted to storytelling?
176
00:07:20,106 --> 00:07:22,899
Addicted. What
an interesting word to use.
177
00:07:22,900 --> 00:07:24,693
- Addicted to telling stories.
- So, hey, you got a call.
178
00:07:24,694 --> 00:07:25,861
- Ring, ring.
- Yes.
179
00:07:25,862 --> 00:07:27,279
Oh, mime it out for us.
That's great.
180
00:07:27,280 --> 00:07:28,822
- You be me.
- Okay.
181
00:07:28,823 --> 00:07:29,531
Lieutenant Jim Dangle.
You be me.
182
00:07:29,532 --> 00:07:30,699
Sheriff's department.
183
00:07:30,700 --> 00:07:33,326
- It's me, Jim Dangle.
- Great.
184
00:07:33,327 --> 00:07:35,537
Here's the other end of the
phone. This is very important.
185
00:07:35,538 --> 00:07:38,373
Hello. Uh, this is Susan
from the library.
186
00:07:38,374 --> 00:07:40,208
You know that Terry Bernadino
is down here
187
00:07:40,209 --> 00:07:41,585
doing community service.
188
00:07:41,586 --> 00:07:44,045
He was hosting a story time.
189
00:07:44,046 --> 00:07:45,755
He said he put up fliers
saying he was going to read
190
00:07:45,756 --> 00:07:49,467
"Moby-Dick" to the children.
191
00:07:49,468 --> 00:07:52,137
Then it turned
into not a reading at all
192
00:07:52,138 --> 00:07:54,723
but more of a puppet show
that he was calling "Moby-Dick."
193
00:07:54,724 --> 00:07:58,226
Terry would never do that.
He's my best friend.
194
00:07:58,227 --> 00:08:00,061
Yes, he would.
He would do that.
195
00:08:00,062 --> 00:08:02,105
No. That sounds exactly
like something he would do.
196
00:08:02,106 --> 00:08:04,566
- In fact, here's another call.
- Who's on the other line?
197
00:08:04,567 --> 00:08:06,109
- Hi. Terry.
- Terry, hi.
198
00:08:06,110 --> 00:08:07,152
It's Lieutenant Jim Dangle
from Reno Sheriff's Department.
199
00:08:07,153 --> 00:08:09,279
- I'm in the shower.
- I'm gonna add in Jones.
200
00:08:09,280 --> 00:08:10,155
Describe the puppet show, Terry.
201
00:08:10,156 --> 00:08:13,408
What was the reading
of "Moby-Dick" like?
202
00:08:13,409 --> 00:08:15,410
It's about a whale or something
203
00:08:15,411 --> 00:08:17,579
and he's in the sea
and stuff happens
204
00:08:17,580 --> 00:08:20,081
and then the show is over.
205
00:08:20,082 --> 00:08:22,083
Did you paint something
on yourself?
206
00:08:22,084 --> 00:08:25,253
- I painted some stuff.
- What did you paint?
207
00:08:25,254 --> 00:08:28,298
Um, you know, my body.
208
00:08:28,299 --> 00:08:29,883
You painted
what part of your body, Terry?
209
00:08:29,884 --> 00:08:31,092
- Let's all hang up our phones.
- Yeah.
210
00:08:31,093 --> 00:08:32,761
Did you make a little whale face
on there?
211
00:08:32,762 --> 00:08:35,931
- Yeah, he did.
- That's not even a good wha--
212
00:08:35,932 --> 00:08:37,933
- It's not terrible.
- No, no, no, no, no.
213
00:08:37,934 --> 00:08:39,601
- Watch the blowhole.
- Nope.
214
00:08:39,602 --> 00:08:41,561
- Oh, God.
- Time to go. Time to go.
215
00:08:51,405 --> 00:08:53,949
- So you got your tubes tied.
- 'Yep.'
216
00:08:53,950 --> 00:08:57,077
That means you can have sex
without a condom.
217
00:08:57,078 --> 00:08:57,828
- Yep.
- 'Yeah.'
218
00:08:59,872 --> 00:09:01,915
Let's see how you look on camera
over here.
219
00:09:01,916 --> 00:09:04,626
We're just gonna get
a little bit of a camera test
220
00:09:04,627 --> 00:09:07,128
if you will. You are trapped
inside of a cage.
221
00:09:07,129 --> 00:09:09,798
I want you to let her out.
222
00:09:09,799 --> 00:09:11,758
- Raar!
- 'Yes. Let her out.'
223
00:09:11,759 --> 00:09:13,635
Now, turn around a little bit.
Turn around.
224
00:09:13,636 --> 00:09:15,804
- Turn around.
- Raar!
225
00:09:15,805 --> 00:09:19,641
'All the way around. Yes.
Yes. Crawl. Yes.'
226
00:09:19,642 --> 00:09:23,103
You're swimming. You're
swimming out of that cage.
227
00:09:23,104 --> 00:09:25,480
- Yes. Yes.
- I'm swimming.
228
00:09:25,481 --> 00:09:26,481
- I'm swimming.
- 'Okay.'
229
00:09:26,482 --> 00:09:27,816
Now, Kat Kat, make sure
you get her up and down.
230
00:09:27,817 --> 00:09:29,818
'Now stay turned around.
Stay turned around that way.'
231
00:09:29,819 --> 00:09:32,529
- Yes. Oh.
- Raar!
232
00:09:32,530 --> 00:09:33,071
Yes!
233
00:09:37,743 --> 00:09:40,120
{\an8}If you come in my neighborhood
and smoke dope, you get--
234
00:09:40,121 --> 00:09:42,330
{\an8}Alright. Okay. Oh, yeah?
235
00:09:42,331 --> 00:09:43,665
Hot shot, right?
236
00:09:43,666 --> 00:09:46,334
Speedy Gonzales. Guess what?
237
00:09:46,335 --> 00:09:48,878
He booked the wrong
mother[bleep] to run away from
238
00:09:48,879 --> 00:09:52,173
because I'm in shape.
I'm in real good shape.
239
00:09:52,174 --> 00:09:53,800
The only thing you got to do
at this age is make sure
240
00:09:53,801 --> 00:09:57,846
you warm yourself up
so you don't pull a...
241
00:09:57,847 --> 00:09:58,722
Oh, [bleep].
242
00:09:58,723 --> 00:10:02,601
Oh! Oh, [bleep] it.
243
00:10:03,144 --> 00:10:05,979
Ugh! Okay. Oh, [bleep].
244
00:10:05,980 --> 00:10:07,480
Can't you turn
the [bleep] thing off?
245
00:10:07,481 --> 00:10:11,318
I am having a full-on
heart attack.
246
00:10:14,071 --> 00:10:15,864
. Ah! Okay.
247
00:10:15,865 --> 00:10:18,366
It's happened before.
I'll be good.
248
00:10:18,367 --> 00:10:19,909
Okay, this is a good one.
249
00:10:19,910 --> 00:10:23,706
Oh, yeah.
You got any baby aspirin?
250
00:10:30,129 --> 00:10:32,839
{\an8}Sir, I don't feel like
this is fitting right.
251
00:10:32,840 --> 00:10:34,883
{\an8}'Yes. Oh, look
at how lovely you look--'
252
00:10:34,884 --> 00:10:37,260
- It's not backwards?
- 'No, no, no.'
253
00:10:37,261 --> 00:10:39,721
I-it's absolutely perfect.
You got the footies on right.
254
00:10:39,722 --> 00:10:41,056
That's how you know
it's not backwards
255
00:10:41,057 --> 00:10:42,807
or else they'd be hanging
off the back of your foot.
256
00:10:42,808 --> 00:10:44,976
- Okay.
- Yes. Yes.
257
00:10:44,977 --> 00:10:47,729
The suit was a little damp
when I put it on.
258
00:10:47,730 --> 00:10:49,773
Oh, it smells so good.
That's intoxicating.
259
00:10:49,774 --> 00:10:53,068
I can't take full credit
for that, I'm afraid.
260
00:10:53,069 --> 00:10:54,944
You're going to move around
261
00:10:54,945 --> 00:11:00,116
and, uh, uh, the camera
is gonna get your motions, okay?
262
00:11:00,117 --> 00:11:02,535
Oh, it's gonna capture
my motions?
263
00:11:02,536 --> 00:11:03,912
- Yes.
- Okay.
264
00:11:03,913 --> 00:11:06,247
I'm just gonna put a little
smiley face on your vagina.
265
00:11:06,248 --> 00:11:08,041
- Oh, okay.
- Lookit. Yes.
266
00:11:08,042 --> 00:11:08,958
- Can I ask a question?
- What's that?
267
00:11:08,959 --> 00:11:12,253
Why would you need
to reference my vagina
268
00:11:12,254 --> 00:11:13,463
for the commercial?
269
00:11:13,464 --> 00:11:17,425
See, the thing is, you know,
the police is a ugly business.
270
00:11:17,426 --> 00:11:18,968
We all know
this is ugly business.
271
00:11:18,969 --> 00:11:21,221
There's some things
you just got to, you know
272
00:11:21,222 --> 00:11:24,057
you got to be adult about. Yes.
273
00:11:24,058 --> 00:11:26,101
Yes. You're running
from the police.
274
00:11:26,102 --> 00:11:27,477
- Yes. Yes.
- Am I doing it right?
275
00:11:27,478 --> 00:11:28,728
Yes. Here. Let me keep you--
276
00:11:28,729 --> 00:11:30,230
This is the first time
I've ever done this.
277
00:11:30,231 --> 00:11:32,649
Yes. I hear that all the time.
278
00:11:32,650 --> 00:11:35,151
Now you're getting caught.
Now you're trying to get away.
279
00:11:35,152 --> 00:11:36,111
- You're holding me tight.
- Oh, yes. Yes.
280
00:11:36,112 --> 00:11:37,821
Well, I can't let you go.
I'm the police.
281
00:11:37,822 --> 00:11:40,949
Please, please,
I don't want to go to jail.
282
00:11:40,950 --> 00:11:43,326
Yes. You don't want
to go to jail.
283
00:11:43,327 --> 00:11:44,786
- Are you catching this?
- Say, "I've been a bad girl."
284
00:11:44,787 --> 00:11:48,123
- I've been a bad girl.
- Yes. Yes.
285
00:11:48,124 --> 00:11:49,290
Now make a choking sound.
286
00:11:54,046 --> 00:11:54,963
{\an8}I love rush week.
287
00:11:54,964 --> 00:11:56,005
{\an8}- Yeah.
- Love it.
288
00:11:56,006 --> 00:11:57,966
{\an8}- Hey, guys.
- Love you!
289
00:11:57,967 --> 00:12:00,301
Hey, you want
to have your car washed?
290
00:12:00,302 --> 00:12:02,303
- 'How you doing?'
- Hi.
291
00:12:02,304 --> 00:12:05,473
We wanted to see
if we could get a, uh
292
00:12:05,474 --> 00:12:07,476
kind of, get a freebie.
293
00:12:08,894 --> 00:12:11,104
Yeah, because we figured,
like, you know
294
00:12:11,105 --> 00:12:13,898
you're serving the community
and we're serving the community.
295
00:12:13,899 --> 00:12:15,817
'We're both
serving the community.'
296
00:12:15,818 --> 00:12:16,985
Yeah. You know.
297
00:12:16,986 --> 00:12:20,655
You wash our back
and we'll wash your front.
298
00:12:20,656 --> 00:12:21,823
- That's not what he meant.
- Girls!
299
00:12:21,824 --> 00:12:24,659
Girls, it's gonna be
a cop freebie today.
300
00:12:24,660 --> 00:12:26,619
- Alright.
- Cop freebie.
301
00:12:26,620 --> 00:12:27,579
'Put them on the glass!'
302
00:12:27,580 --> 00:12:29,831
Don't tell them
to put them on the glass.
303
00:12:29,832 --> 00:12:30,540
Thanks, guys.
304
00:12:30,541 --> 00:12:32,500
Oh, we should've brought beers.
305
00:12:32,501 --> 00:12:34,669
- We should've, completely.
- We should've brought beers.
306
00:12:34,670 --> 00:12:35,795
What the hell were we thinking?
307
00:12:35,796 --> 00:12:37,297
Why weren't we thinking?
308
00:12:37,298 --> 00:12:39,174
- Hey.
- 'Hey, how you doing?'
309
00:12:39,175 --> 00:12:41,801
Great. How's it looking?
How's it looking?
310
00:12:41,802 --> 00:12:43,052
It looked great from in here,
but we can't see the car.
311
00:12:43,053 --> 00:12:45,346
Good. Alright. Okay.
312
00:12:45,347 --> 00:12:46,014
- Well, we're all done.
- Bye, you guys.
313
00:12:46,015 --> 00:12:48,224
Move out of the way, bitches.
314
00:12:48,225 --> 00:12:49,017
{\an8}Don't say,
"Put them on the glass"
315
00:12:49,018 --> 00:12:51,561
and don't call them bitches.
316
00:12:51,562 --> 00:12:53,646
Sorry. Hey. Bye.
317
00:12:56,066 --> 00:12:58,735
That turquoise bikini top,
she was just too big.
318
00:12:58,736 --> 00:12:59,986
'Live a little.'
319
00:12:59,987 --> 00:13:01,029
- 'You're saying I don't live?'
- I guess not.
320
00:13:01,030 --> 00:13:03,198
You're saying I don't live
321
00:13:03,199 --> 00:13:05,116
just because I don't like
a triple-E cup.
322
00:13:05,117 --> 00:13:07,202
I don't know who you are.
323
00:13:07,203 --> 00:13:10,038
- You think you know someone.
- I like a solid D.
324
00:13:14,793 --> 00:13:17,712
{\an8}'We're here to recruit people.'
325
00:13:17,713 --> 00:13:21,090
{\an8}We want the people to see you
326
00:13:21,091 --> 00:13:25,512
and want to be a policeman.
327
00:13:25,513 --> 00:13:28,723
I-I get a feeling from you
328
00:13:28,724 --> 00:13:30,184
that something...
329
00:13:31,977 --> 00:13:34,312
You were a little boy,
something happened.
330
00:13:34,313 --> 00:13:36,064
- I don't do that.
- 'Something happened.'
331
00:13:36,065 --> 00:13:37,899
- Nah.
- 'It's for the video.'
332
00:13:37,900 --> 00:13:40,319
- No, no, no.
- I need you to trust me.
333
00:13:42,238 --> 00:13:42,988
- I had a teacher.
- 'Uh-huh?'
334
00:13:45,115 --> 00:13:47,575
And she would have us
come up to the board
335
00:13:47,576 --> 00:13:50,037
and this one day,
I had been looking at, um...
336
00:13:52,540 --> 00:13:55,584
...I'd been looking at this
g-girl's breasts in the, uh...
337
00:13:56,669 --> 00:13:57,002
Yes.
338
00:13:59,171 --> 00:14:01,047
'And I had a, an erection.'
339
00:14:01,048 --> 00:14:02,173
Inside the classroom, you mean?
340
00:14:02,174 --> 00:14:05,093
I said, "I'll do it any other
time, just not this time."
341
00:14:05,094 --> 00:14:06,386
'Oh, yes.'
342
00:14:06,387 --> 00:14:09,556
And that is what I mean
by the trust.
343
00:14:09,557 --> 00:14:11,100
Kat Kat, camera.
344
00:14:12,184 --> 00:14:15,229
'Officer Declan,
I'm gonna ask you to stand up.'
345
00:14:16,313 --> 00:14:18,273
No, I-I'll do it...
Not now.
346
00:14:27,366 --> 00:14:29,576
You think
that we'll be in the commercial?
347
00:14:29,577 --> 00:14:31,619
Do you think
they'll use stunt people?
348
00:14:31,620 --> 00:14:33,162
I think
it's probably gonna be a mix.
349
00:14:33,163 --> 00:14:34,622
Like, stunt people.
350
00:14:34,623 --> 00:14:37,834
So it's like,
we look at the camera and say
351
00:14:37,835 --> 00:14:39,627
"Reno, where the action is"
and then--
352
00:14:39,628 --> 00:14:40,753
Stunt, stunt, stunts.
353
00:14:40,754 --> 00:14:43,172
We turn around and then
a stunt guy turns around--
354
00:14:43,173 --> 00:14:44,799
Yeah. Somebody on wires.
355
00:14:44,800 --> 00:14:45,174
Somebody on a wire
doing wire fu.
356
00:14:45,175 --> 00:14:47,302
Do a wire fu.
357
00:14:47,303 --> 00:14:49,304
I said, "You know, hey,
we're spending 8000 bucks
358
00:14:49,305 --> 00:14:51,014
don't-don't Jew us
on the wire fu."
359
00:14:55,728 --> 00:14:58,146
We very much appreciate
your visit to Reno.
360
00:14:58,147 --> 00:14:59,981
- And don't come again.
- Thank you.
361
00:14:59,982 --> 00:15:01,649
Now we're gonna take you
to the county line
362
00:15:01,650 --> 00:15:04,444
into beautiful, wonderful
Sparks, Nevada.
363
00:15:04,445 --> 00:15:06,071
- Ah!
- Ah.
364
00:15:07,281 --> 00:15:10,992
Well, well, well,
well, well, well.
365
00:15:10,993 --> 00:15:12,994
Sparks Sheriff's Department.
366
00:15:12,995 --> 00:15:15,748
...Dingleberry
and Walking Small.
367
00:15:17,249 --> 00:15:19,042
- Oh. Look at that.
- Look at that.
368
00:15:19,043 --> 00:15:22,879
I just added, I added to
the real-estate value of Sparks
369
00:15:22,880 --> 00:15:24,172
by spitting at it.
370
00:15:24,173 --> 00:15:26,799
Well, here, let me help you out
with your water supply.
371
00:15:26,800 --> 00:15:28,134
There you go.
372
00:15:28,135 --> 00:15:30,678
Oh, I'll do it again.
How about that? Look at that.
373
00:15:30,679 --> 00:15:32,555
Let's take a swim in Lake Reno.
374
00:15:32,556 --> 00:15:33,389
- Oh. Look at this. Wait.
- Yeah.
375
00:15:33,390 --> 00:15:36,142
I'm spitting
in your jurisdiction.
376
00:15:36,143 --> 00:15:37,518
How do you feel about that?
377
00:15:37,519 --> 00:15:38,686
Hold on. Hold on.
I'm running out of spit.
378
00:15:38,687 --> 00:15:40,021
I'm running out of spit, too.
Let's give it a second.
379
00:15:40,022 --> 00:15:43,232
'Give it a second. Give it
a second. Give it a second.'
380
00:15:43,233 --> 00:15:44,651
Let's all get
a little more spit.
381
00:15:44,652 --> 00:15:46,527
How's it doing
over there in Sparks?
382
00:15:46,528 --> 00:15:48,196
I hear your library got a book.
383
00:15:48,197 --> 00:15:50,281
- And...
- Thank you.
384
00:15:50,282 --> 00:15:52,743
And I heard
it's not all the way colored in.
385
00:15:53,786 --> 00:15:57,246
You guys don't even have sex
with your own family
386
00:15:57,247 --> 00:16:00,917
because not even your family
387
00:16:00,918 --> 00:16:02,543
wants to have sex with you--
388
00:16:02,544 --> 00:16:04,879
...letting out enough rope
to hang yourself.
389
00:16:04,880 --> 00:16:06,339
Did you understand
what you even just said?
390
00:16:06,340 --> 00:16:08,424
I'm saying
that our families are sexy
391
00:16:08,425 --> 00:16:10,885
'cause, so, of course, they want
to have sex with each other.
392
00:16:10,886 --> 00:16:14,222
You are dangerously close to
stepping into our jurisdiction.
393
00:16:14,223 --> 00:16:15,223
{\an8}Your gun's in Reno!
Your gun's in Reno.
394
00:16:15,224 --> 00:16:18,685
{\an8}- Do it again. Do it again.
- Fine.
395
00:16:19,561 --> 00:16:23,231
Come on! Offensive line!
Offensive line!
396
00:16:23,232 --> 00:16:25,108
- Now you're in ours!
- .
397
00:16:25,109 --> 00:16:26,859
. They got me
fair and square.
398
00:16:26,860 --> 00:16:28,277
I don't want to go to jail
in Sparks, man!
399
00:16:28,278 --> 00:16:30,154
{\an8}Don't let me go to jail
in Sparks, man!
400
00:16:30,155 --> 00:16:32,365
{\an8}Do you know what they do to you?
401
00:16:32,366 --> 00:16:34,075
Could we get a jump?
402
00:16:38,330 --> 00:16:39,247
'Cindy, uh, Cindy, hi.'
403
00:16:39,248 --> 00:16:42,750
Uh, in my locker
404
00:16:42,751 --> 00:16:45,712
there were, uh, three jars
of-of urine, of my urine.
405
00:16:45,713 --> 00:16:47,130
- Yes. I saw it.
- Yes.
406
00:16:47,131 --> 00:16:49,090
And they're no longer there
and it's my locker and...
407
00:16:49,091 --> 00:16:51,592
Just, my locker is my stuff
408
00:16:51,593 --> 00:16:54,595
and I'm just wondering where,
where the jars of urine are.
409
00:16:54,596 --> 00:16:56,097
Oh, it's in the garbage.
410
00:16:56,098 --> 00:16:58,307
Lieutenant asked me, he asked me
to clean all the locker.
411
00:16:58,308 --> 00:17:02,437
Did you notice I fold all your
clothes and I clean your gun?
412
00:17:02,438 --> 00:17:04,313
That was very,
that was very nice of you.
413
00:17:04,314 --> 00:17:07,942
I put a little deodorant tree
inside for you.
414
00:17:07,943 --> 00:17:09,569
Oh, well, that was very nice.
No. It smells good.
415
00:17:09,570 --> 00:17:11,446
It's little overpowering,
it's very lemony now
416
00:17:11,447 --> 00:17:12,488
but that's okay.
417
00:17:12,489 --> 00:17:13,281
Next time I'll do lavender.
418
00:17:13,282 --> 00:17:15,992
Next time do nothing.
419
00:17:15,993 --> 00:17:17,368
You ready? You want
an invitation or what?
420
00:17:17,369 --> 00:17:19,912
'Uh, one minute.'
421
00:17:19,913 --> 00:17:22,457
I just wanna make sure
I get the right form.
422
00:17:22,458 --> 00:17:24,000
{\an8}Can you pee in a cup?
423
00:17:24,001 --> 00:17:25,293
- Yeah. Sure.
- Great.
424
00:17:25,294 --> 00:17:27,628
I don't wanna watch.
I just need you to pee in a cup.
425
00:17:27,629 --> 00:17:29,630
- For $5.
- Great.
426
00:17:35,721 --> 00:17:37,806
{\an8}Officer Jones.
427
00:17:39,224 --> 00:17:40,141
{\an8}Yes, sir.
428
00:17:40,142 --> 00:17:41,934
Uh, first thing first
429
00:17:41,935 --> 00:17:43,937
you didn't park in front
of Cinnabon, did you?
430
00:17:44,313 --> 00:17:45,397
Oh, [bleep].
431
00:17:47,733 --> 00:17:48,816
Yeah. Yeah.
432
00:17:50,194 --> 00:17:51,527
You've to take care of that
because
433
00:17:51,528 --> 00:17:53,613
you, you know
they'll tow anybody.
434
00:17:53,614 --> 00:17:56,365
He's a evil, evil man,
runs the Cinnabon over there.
435
00:17:56,366 --> 00:17:59,786
It's like he doesn't even smell
the deliciousness
436
00:17:59,787 --> 00:18:01,496
in his own establishment.
437
00:18:04,917 --> 00:18:06,334
{\an8}Hi, Junior!
438
00:18:06,335 --> 00:18:09,128
{\an8}- How you doing today?
- 'I'm pleasant.'
439
00:18:09,129 --> 00:18:11,464
{\an8}You know why we're here, honey?
440
00:18:11,465 --> 00:18:14,342
Uh, do you guys wanna finish
our game of backgammon?
441
00:18:14,343 --> 00:18:17,637
- No. That's not it.
- Take another guess.
442
00:18:17,638 --> 00:18:19,597
♪ Bath time ♪
443
00:18:19,598 --> 00:18:20,973
- No.
- No.
444
00:18:20,974 --> 00:18:23,351
Were you up,
maybe up on the roof up there
445
00:18:23,352 --> 00:18:26,187
taking potshots at the freeway?
446
00:18:26,188 --> 00:18:29,524
Did I...
Do I know anything about that?
447
00:18:29,525 --> 00:18:31,609
Do you know anything about that?
448
00:18:31,610 --> 00:18:32,360
Standing on the roof
shooting at the freeway?
449
00:18:32,361 --> 00:18:35,071
- Yes.
- No.
450
00:18:35,072 --> 00:18:36,322
You don't know anything
about that?
451
00:18:36,323 --> 00:18:38,491
- Uh, I--
- Carmen?
452
00:18:38,492 --> 00:18:39,992
Yes, Ms. Williams?
453
00:18:39,993 --> 00:18:43,538
Who's been on the roof
shooting at the freeway?
454
00:18:43,539 --> 00:18:44,872
I have.
455
00:18:44,873 --> 00:18:46,833
- 'Yeah.'
- That's true.
456
00:18:46,834 --> 00:18:48,209
Got up on the roof,
and I was, like
457
00:18:48,210 --> 00:18:52,046
"Hey, I'm gonna make
water balloons."
458
00:18:52,047 --> 00:18:53,464
- And then I saw my daddy's gun.
- Yeah.
459
00:18:53,465 --> 00:18:56,050
- Why don't you come with us?
- Come on.
460
00:18:56,051 --> 00:18:58,052
- Come where?
- To jail, baby.
461
00:18:58,053 --> 00:19:00,346
- Really?
- Yeah. We're going to the can.
462
00:19:00,347 --> 00:19:01,347
Can we listen to Tone Loc?
463
00:19:01,348 --> 00:19:04,684
We can listen to Tone Loc
anytime you want.
464
00:19:15,028 --> 00:19:16,487
I think this commercial
is gonna be pretty great.
465
00:19:16,488 --> 00:19:19,907
Uh, I mean
466
00:19:19,908 --> 00:19:22,034
from what
I've seen of what he does
467
00:19:22,035 --> 00:19:24,871
uh, this may end up
being a classic
468
00:19:24,872 --> 00:19:27,373
you know, like a real,
"Where's the beef?"
469
00:19:27,374 --> 00:19:30,084
And, uh, plus, I'm in it
470
00:19:30,085 --> 00:19:31,752
wearing a unitard
with a camel toe.
471
00:19:31,753 --> 00:19:33,796
So talk about where's the beef.
472
00:19:33,797 --> 00:19:35,339
Ew!
473
00:19:38,260 --> 00:19:41,262
Moments ago
this was handed to me
474
00:19:41,263 --> 00:19:43,931
by Levon French
475
00:19:43,932 --> 00:19:45,433
his assistant, Kat Kat.
476
00:19:45,434 --> 00:19:47,935
'It's done.'
477
00:19:47,936 --> 00:19:50,271
'The Reno Sheriff's Department
recruitment video'
478
00:19:50,272 --> 00:19:53,358
$8000 in the making. Ready?
479
00:19:57,029 --> 00:20:00,781
♪ Who wants to be a deputy? ♪
480
00:20:00,782 --> 00:20:04,785
{\an8}♪ Who wants to be a deputy? ♪
481
00:20:04,786 --> 00:20:09,123
♪ I want to be a deputy ♪
482
00:20:09,124 --> 00:20:12,752
♪ You want to be a deputy ♪
483
00:20:12,753 --> 00:20:14,795
♪ If you want to be a deputy ♪
484
00:20:14,796 --> 00:20:16,839
♪ Touch yourself awkwardly ♪
485
00:20:16,840 --> 00:20:17,382
♪ Everybody ♪
486
00:20:18,550 --> 00:20:20,802
♪ Dance party ♪
487
00:20:23,180 --> 00:20:25,932
♪ If you want to be
be a deputy ♪
488
00:20:25,933 --> 00:20:28,936
♪ Touch yourself awkwardly
if you want to be a deputy ♪
489
00:20:38,570 --> 00:20:40,821
- I love it!
- 'Whoo-hoo-hoo!'
490
00:20:40,822 --> 00:20:43,032
- So right. It is so good.
- 'Home run!'
491
00:20:43,033 --> 00:20:46,827
'It's better, it's better
than the linoleum commercial.'
492
00:20:46,828 --> 00:20:48,162
Way, way better.
493
00:20:48,163 --> 00:20:49,872
It's exactly the same,
except, way better!
494
00:20:49,873 --> 00:20:52,833
Make room for new deputies!
495
00:20:52,834 --> 00:20:54,502
When the eagle goes by.
496
00:20:54,503 --> 00:20:56,337
- Were you watching--
- Oh, I got chills.
497
00:20:56,338 --> 00:20:58,297
♪ Who wants to be a deputy? ♪
498
00:20:58,298 --> 00:21:00,633
♪ I wanna be a deputy ♪
499
00:21:00,634 --> 00:21:01,509
♪ Who wants to be a deputy? ♪
500
00:21:01,510 --> 00:21:04,595
♪ I want to be a deputy ♪
501
00:21:04,596 --> 00:21:07,181
{\an8}
High Sierra Carpeting.
502
00:21:09,643 --> 00:21:11,477
{\an8}None of the TV stations will run
the recruitment commercial.
503
00:21:11,478 --> 00:21:13,396
{\an8}- Why?
- 'Well.'
504
00:21:13,397 --> 00:21:16,065
{\an8}They gave a couple of reasons.
505
00:21:16,066 --> 00:21:19,026
{\an8}A big one,
it's seven minutes long.
506
00:21:19,027 --> 00:21:19,860
{\an8}That why it's so good.
507
00:21:19,861 --> 00:21:21,696
{\an8}Also, apparently,
I didn't notice
508
00:21:21,697 --> 00:21:23,197
{\an8}that he says mother[bleep]--
509
00:21:23,198 --> 00:21:24,740
{\an8}- At the end.
- 'A bunch of times.'
510
00:21:24,741 --> 00:21:27,535
{\an8}After the fourth dance break.
511
00:21:27,536 --> 00:21:30,538
{\an8}They say mother[bleep] on TV
all the time.
512
00:21:30,539 --> 00:21:31,497
{\an8}You can't say mother
on TV.
513
00:21:31,498 --> 00:21:35,418
{\an8}You can't. Watch.
Mother[bleep]. Watch.
514
00:21:35,419 --> 00:21:37,044
{\an8}Mother[bleep].
515
00:21:37,045 --> 00:21:38,004
{\an8}'Mother
would never make it.'
516
00:21:38,005 --> 00:21:38,463
{\an8}Mother[bleep]!
38866
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