All language subtitles for Reno.911.S06E10.Stoner.Jesus.1080p.PMTP.WEB-DL.AAC2.0.H.264-playWEB_track3_[eng]

Every single time I do
child's pose, out comes a fart.

It's great.

Oh, my [bleep] God!
God damn it!

God damn it, that's my bike!

Sheriff's Department!
Sheriff's Department!

I need your bike.
I need your bike.

No time to discuss it.

Oh, ah...

I'm sorry.

I don't... I don't know
how to ride a motorcycle at all.

Son of a bitch.
God damn it!

Come on!

They all have guns!

Ow!

Push 'em together?

Sheriff's Department!
I need your bike!

Aah!

Watch. Watch.

Aah!

'You don't have to get an X-ray
but if it turns up...'

'I'm just saying, there's
a reward if you poop out'

'this young lady's
engagement ring.'

Can I get a polite
round of applause

for deputy Travis Junior?

'For what?'

'For the beautiful artwork
that he did'

for my princess Diana of Wales
10-year memorial tribute.

Junebug, you drew that?

- You [bleep] [bleep].
- I had no idea.

'Anyway, Travis,
thank you very much.'

'It's beautifully done.'

It took me all weekend.

So, this Saturday at 7:30,
it's my 10-year tribute to Diana

Princess of Wales.

Um, I hope you all can be there.

Are these for us?

- 'Yeah. Pass them around.'
- Alright.

'I would like to,
but I can't make it.'

I'll see you there.

- 'No, you won't.'
- Yes, I will.

- No, you won't.
- Yes, I will.

- No.
- I can play this game all day.

You wanna play chess?
You wanna play mouth chess?

I'll mouth chess you.

- 'What time is it?'
- 7:30.

- . Busy.
- Really?

- 'Yeah.'
- It is mandatory.

I think I got the kids
this weekend. Yeah...

'Oh, bring them.
They'll love it.'

- It's great for kids.
- It'd be good for kids.

- They're terrified of theater.
- Big boy, big boy?

Uh, I don't, you know what?

I don't like being referred to
as big boy anymore.

Alright. Okay.

Whoever's not there
is working Christmas.

So that's how it goes.

'If you're not there,
that's fine.'

Lieutenant, legally,
are you allowed to do this?

'Absolutely, if we're
gonna start questioning'

'if what each other
is doing is legal'

do we wanna pull the,
do we wanna pull that

the thread of that sweater?

Start pulling it and pulling it
and pulling it

till our teats
are flopping about

and we have no sweater left.

I don't want
my teats flapping about.

'Nobody wants your teats...'

- No one wants their teats...
- Nobody wants that.

'Let's not worry about...
Let's not...'

Hey, mike!

You can hear us.

Mike, I know you can hear me.

Pull the [bleep] over.

- Ha ha ha ha!
- You got that one?

You don't listen good, do you?

Come on. I'm just out
dare deviling.

Oh, son, you're on out
there dare deviling?

- Out dare deviling?
- That is a very nice suit.

- Out dare deviling.
- Thanks.

I would almost
go so far as to say

Junior, would you say this is
a suspiciously nice suit?

- I wouldn't say that.
- Hmm, hmm, hmm.

Facemask, facemask.
Five yards, 15 yards.

Would you say it's
a suspiciously nice suit?

I was willed this suit.

- Really?
- You were willed that suit?

You know, that's not
what the people

at the funeral home said, Mike.

It turns out, there's a naked
older gentleman in a coffin

the-the perpetrator
last seen fleeing on, oh, no.

That's right.
The Schwinn banana bike.

- The perfect crime.
- The perfect crime.

The perfect crime.

Stealing a suit
from a dead man

and getting away
on a Schwinn banana bike.

Why would I have the helmet?

If I'm stealing at all,
why wouldn't I steal

a fedora or
a nice little jack hat?

I was gonna thank you
for wearing the helmet

because it is
bike safety week.

It is bike safety week.

- Oh, is it?
- Yeah.

For you kids at home
it is bike safety week.

And always wear a helmet.

It smells like
a phish concert. Whew!

Kind of smells like Bob Marley's
basement or something.

Sheriff's Department!

Sorry, guys. We're just
blowing off a little steam.

We're the touring company
of Jesus Christ, superstar.

- I'm the star, and uh...
- He's Jesus.

So, wow. You couldn't have
dropped that any faster.

- Okay. Didn't ask that.
- Didn't ask that.

We're here at the Reno
playhouse for a week.

We've got two shows on Sunday...

- Knock it off.
- No, there's no commercial.

We have discount tickets
available at TKTS.

Don't pitch.

We didn't ask
for your life history, sir.

Wow.

So, just turn it down
and we'll go.

- We'll-we'll leave.
- Can I say something?

I'm feeling a little
bit persecuted here

because we've been
working hard all week.

- Oh, don't play that card.
- I'm serious.

Hey, guys, I am trying to get
some sleep next door.

Oh, it's Benny buzz kill, everybody.

Because we have
two shows tomorrow, okay?

We gotta-I gotta get some sleep.

Are you the one who called, Sir?

I-I'm in the room
next-door, 114.

- You're the one who called.
- You called on us?

- Thank you for your call.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.

- So we're cool?
- We're cool.

- We're cool.
- Don't bless us.

- I'm not gonna...
- Don't bless us like this.

- It feels like a bless you.
- Don't do either one of these.

Don't do anything
that's Jesus-like.

Don't do anything
that's even Bono-like.

- Thank you. Thank you.
- Okay, thank you.

- That's good.
- That's bono-like.

- Knock it off.
- Yeah, I am in the show.

- Who are you? You're Judas.
- I play Judas.

Thank you for the call.
We appreciate it.

- Down. A little bit down.
- Down more.

Thank you.

'Hey, can I talk to you,
Cindy?'

- 'Yeah.'
- 'A laundry problem again.'

I give you 11 pounds of laundry.

- Okay.
- I got 11 pounds back...

- Okay.
- None of it mine.

Oh, yes.
I remember your-your laundry.

Okay. It's like XXL white
t-shirt, undershirt.

- Right?
- Yup, yup.

There's gonna be
about eight of them.

- Is that yours?
- Yup. Mm-hmm.

Oh, and, actually, there's one
item I could not wash.

It was the extra-extra large
women, uh, underwear.

Women's nightgown.
It was lace.

'I can't wash that.
It has to be dry-clean only.'

- So...
- I can... can I...

You know, it's about...
it looked like this.

- It would fit like this.
- Let me explain that to you.

- Uh-huh.
- I had a female friend over.

- 'Oh! Okay.'
- And she got very sweaty.

And then she didn't wanna
put that in her handbag

and then forget it
and it would get mildewy...

- Right, right.
- So she asked me if I could...

- She a big girl, huh?
- Well...

Hey, uh, Cindy, I think
that you mixed up my laundry.

I got a big, giant, giant bra

that said "Declan" in the back.

I didn't think you
were married still.

- Did it have...
- That's my wife's.

And what I'm doing
is cleaning out everything

and giving it to goodwill.

But I wanted to get
everything washed before I...

Your wife writes your name
in the back of her bras?

I got "Jack Declan,"
I got a couple of thongs

that say "J. Declan" on it...

I got a giant, giant bra
saying "J. Declan."

- My wife's name was Janice.
- With a "J."

- Yeah. Alright.
- Oh, okay.

Bernice, I thought
your missus was.

- Nope. Janice.
- 'Janice?'

- Yup.
- 'With a "J?"'

- Yup.
- "J. Declan." Janice?

Yeah!

What is he, like a black belt
or like a...

He's a sensei-level instructor.

It's what it says.
It says it right on his resume.

- Really?
- Yeah.

- Well, you can put anything...
- Attention!

Hi, everybody.

- Hey.
- What's up?

Today's a great day because
the Reno sheriff's department

is gonna make
the impossible possible.

'This is what we're gonna do.'

'I'm gonna show you
how to break a board.'

The secret to breaking a board
is not to hit the board

to hit behind the board.

Hello! Hit me over here.

- Not this.
- Okay. Let me have a try.

Ow! Ohh!

Smacked him right
in the [bleep].

I have been working
on my tribute

to Diana, Princess of Wales.

- Do you mind...
- Or...

It just drifted
over there, bro.

Um, I've been working
on it for four years.

Um, it was intended
to be performed

of course, in 2007

uh, which would have, in fact

been the 10-year anniversary

of her untimely
and tragic death.

- Um...
- Why didn't you do it then?

I just didn't have
my [bleep] together.

Hello, boys and girls.

My name is deputy Frank Rizzo.

I'm here to talk to you about
some of the things that I do

and the Reno
Sheriff's Department does

to make the town
of Reno very safe.

Well, the first thing I do
when I get up is I clean my gun.

Guns are very important.
Never be afraid of a gun.

Uh, guns often solve problems
that words can't.

'So remember that.'

Does anyone know
what a sting operation is?

'Okay. It's like a secret
mission in a video game, okay?'

And in order to catch
who I'm going after

which is a dirt bag,
I need to look like a dirt bag.

So what I'll do is
I'll put on some dirty clothes.

Depending on
how deep undercover I go

I'll put on some AIDS scabs

'all over my arms and neck.'

Uh, and depending on, uh,
what type of suspect I'm after

I'll put on a [bleep] ring

uh, or... does anyone,
or a penis ring?

- Sheriff's Department!
- Jesus Christ!

- What?
- You're back!

'No, I'm not talking to you.
I'm yelling at you.'

I'm not talking to you,
Jesus Christ.

I'm yelling at you.
Jesus Christ! It is 3:15.

- What?
- It is 3:15 a.m.

Okay, but we're still
celebrating. We turned it down.

We asked you to stop celebrating
two and half hours ago!

Can I tell you guys
what's going on here really?

Benny, the guy that called,
he's just upset

because he's my understudy,
he's always wanted this part.

He's just a jealous little guy.

He's upset, like everybody else
in this hotel is upset.

Like every other normal citizen.

They paid $35 for a room

and they do not
wanna be listening

to Allman brothers at 3:15 a.m.

I figured those chords out,
by the way.

- Oh, we do not wanna hear--
- Don't wanna hear...

- Are you sure?
- I know the chords of Allman.

Don't wanna hear...
It's always GCD.

- I wanna hear the chords.
- It's GCD.

If-if we could arrest you
right now

if I didn't have to go
to a judge and get a warrant

by probable cause,
you would be doing

oh, you would be doing...
how many stations further?

Well, you can't.
But you don't have a warrant.

And you can't search.
So am I right or am I wrong?

So, it was really nice
seeing you guys again.

Ooh! Son of a bitch.

God damn this guy's pushing
all my buttons...

Hey! Guys, come here.

Are you gonna bust the party up?

We can't.
We don't have anything on him.

Yeah, we asked him
to turn it down

but that's really
all we can legally do.

We can't arrest him
for noise disturbance.

Unless he has, actually,
possession of it.

We can smell it,
but we can't see it.

- I might know where that is.
- His stuff?

You tell us where his weed is

you know who's gonna be playing
Jesus tomorrow at 10 a.m.?

Benny is.

Benny is gonna be playing Jesus.

Benny, I'm sorry
I was mean to you, man.

Give me a kiss, bro.
Get over here.

Give me a kiss.
That's my man.

His pot's in the grail.

You [bleep] [bleep]!
What?!

You have the right
to remain silent.

You [bleep] piece of [bleep].

Oh, my God, man.

My dad is gonna [bleep] kill me.

Are you Ok, Terry? Terry?

What's the matter, buddy?

Terry? Terry?

Hey, hey.

I was murdered.

You were murdered?

Okay, you obviously
weren't murdered

because you're alive
and you're basically intact.

You weren't murdered, buddy.

My skate is stolen!

Okay, your skate is stolen.

It was an alien from the sky.

Okay. It was obviously
not an alien from the sky.

Somebody came by...

It was an alien saying...

And he took my skate.

So he spoke alien talk,
and he came and took your skate.

I was playing baseball
with my friends.

And an alien ship came down.

And it shined a beam on me.

And they were like,
"hey, [bleep]" and I'm not gay.

Hate crime.
We have an alien hate crime.

I'm not gay.

Come here.
Come here, buddy.

Just skate around.
Skate it off.

'Skate it off.
Skate it off.'

'Have you got a cell phone?'

'I wanna get this for YouTube.'

Crystal methamphetamine.

It's a terrible, terrible drug

and it's one that your brain
doesn't really recover from.

It basically turns your brain
into a sort of a sponge.

If you don't believe it

go to the web and check out
facesofmeth [bleep]. dot us.

'Usually, [bleep] jobs
cost around 40 bucks'

or... or threat of deportation.

There are several methods
of interrogation

to extract information

'that may lead to an arrest.'

The femoral artery
is located right here.

And what we do sometimes,
it's called a bleed-out.

'You hit that, either
you clip it with a scalpel'

or if you, you know,
or take your gun.

Do that, and it's gonna
just start coming out.

It's just gonna start
coming out right through there.

Now, if it's a female suspect

you may wanna... you know,
you're gonna have to go

for the ventricle artery here.

Does anyone know
who the ventricle artery is?

'Very nice.'

Once you take care
of this situation

usually you're gonna get
the information that you need

and we're gonna put
the bad guys away.

Whew. That was a lot of talking.
Ha ha.

- Ninety minutes.
- Hey, yeah.

A lot to get out.
A lot of info.

Yeah. We don't usually
talk that much.

But, um, it's, um,
just... right...

Uh-oh.
Alright. Okay. Ahem.

So, um, Jim has asked me to be
in this Princess Diana tribute

and I think we're gonna
have a very special treat

prepared for everybody.

Oh. God.

I'd rather eat

a six-foot-long broken glass
dog [bleep] sandwich

than go to that tribute.

Okay.

There are leotards involved.

Hey.
You gonna be wearing leotards?

I'm gonna be wearing a leotard.

I'll go for you.

- Yeah?
- Yeah. I'll go for you.

- I'll tell you what...
- What?

It's gonna be a bit
of a camel toe parade.

Hey, hey, what is this,
"Lawrence of a labia?"

That's disgusting.

Look what I found.

- 'Whoa.'
- In Trudy Wiegel's bedroom.

Put that freak in?
Let's watch it.

Ah! Oh, my God.
I wanna see that.

Trudy getting freaky!

Surprise! It's not a sex tape.
It's my will.

'Got you [bleep].'

You're not gonna get
to see my vag.

'Baby Jesus has taken another
angel up to heaven today.'

I think we all
hate Jesus for that

and I think that's okay.

'Now, for this next part'

if someone could
please put this on a loop

so it would play
over and over again.

And set the monitor
on top of the coffin

at the funeral

that would be terrific.

Five, four, three, two, one.

Hello.

Thank you for coming.

Good day.

It's wonderful to see you again.

Oh, hello there, Carl.

You made it.

Wonderful, wonderful...

Is this some kind of death tape?

Uh-huh.

- How did we get it?
- Broke in.

I'm gas lighting her.

Changing the wattage of
the light bulbs, make them low.

I know what gas lighting is.

You're trying to make her
think she's crazy.

I'm putting left-overs
in the fridge

of stuff she never ate.

- Very good.
- Right?

So she's like, "Did I, did I
have pop tarts and soup?"

Hey, they sell half-again
too big phones

if you want those to make her
think she's shrinking.

Oh! Make her think
she's shrinking.

I like the way you think.

You're probably wondering

uh, if I'm not nice
to Trudy in this life

what will she do to me
in the afterlife?

And I do have
big plans for haunting.

So, um, just know that if you

uh, you know, [bleep] with me

big black guy

if you try and rape my corpse

then I have some pretty
big haunting plans for you.

I'm gonna live inside
your fridge.

I'm gonna haunt
the [bleep] out of you

for the rest of your life.

I've been working
with that bitch for 15 years

and she doesn't know my name.

Jim and I

are working on

a Princess Diana tribute

for everybody to see.

Why?

That's a good question.

'Oh, boo-hoo! Oh, boo-hoo!'

'I'm Jack Declan.
I'm so lonely.'

'Oh, if people could
only know inside'

'that I wanna be friends,
I know they would like me.'

'Shut up! Stop feeling
sorry for yourself.'

'Be a man. Be a man.'

'Be a man!'

'Ooh, my life's so hard.'

'Oh, nobody likes me.'

'Everybody thinks I'm so
scary.'

'Of course they do!
Just kill yourself.'

'Just either suck it up
and go to the world and face
it'

'or kill yourself
because there is no in
between.'

'Uh! Uh! Pull it together.'

'Fear nothing.'

- Hey.
- Hey, man.

- How you doing?
- What's up, guys?

Hey, I'm okay. How about you?

- Yeah? I'm great.
- Uh-huh.

- I'm good, doing good.
- Hey.

Everything's okay
over here, too.

Yeah. Awesome.

- How you doing, man?
- I'm good. How are you doing?

Like I said,
everything's okay over here.

How about you, Rizzo?
You okay?

- I'm great, man.
- You okay?

- Yeah. I am.
- Sometimes I worry about you.

No, no. No. Don't be.
I feel great.

Okay. If you ever
need to talk...

Right back at you. If you
need to talk about anything.

Hey, I'm gonna get out of here.

- Great talking to you.
- Okay.

Great talking to you, too, man.

'You think they don't know?
They know!'

'Everyone can see through you,
your weakness.'

'God damn it!
Pull it together!'

'Pull it together!
Pull it together!'

Great. You're coming to the
Princess Diana Tribute, right?

That's, uh...

Travis, I don't think
you heard me.

Oh, the Diana tribute...

- Yeah, yeah.
- The show thing.

'Cause I got the little
mini-auditorium there and stuff.

- And I got a smoke machine.
- Yeah. When was that again?

It's, it's tonight,
tonight at 7:00.

Ooh! So I planned that thing.

What did you plan specifically?

- That thing.
- What is it specifically?

- A dentist thing.
- The dentist thing at 7:00?

There's no dentist
open at 7 o'clock.

No, 'cause I'm trying to
work it into my schedule.

So you made him stay late.

You called the dentist
and had him stay late.

Okay. Just bring me
a note tomorrow

and an X-ray of the tooth
and some documentation.

I could probably get an X-ray

of the tooth for you
by tomorrow.

Great.

'Rizzo, I can't ask you
to not have the...'

'it's a normal thing
that happens to a gentleman'

'in the morning
particularly if he's sleepy.'

I can ask you once again
to sit closer to the desk.

Thank you. I can see
your morning erect...

I just went to check
on that Jesus guy in cell 3.

He is gone.

The cell's still locked
the prison clothes

laid out on the bed
with nobody in them.

He is not there.

I put him in three days ago
for the long weekend.

No, he's in six.
Did you say three?

- 'Three.'
- No, he's in six.

Oh, that makes more sense.

There was almost
a miracle in here.

'Yeah...'

♪ I guess the whole world ♪

♪ Forgot to thank you ♪

♪ For all the great
things that you did ♪

♪ And you'll never know
how mad it made me ♪

♪ The day that I heard
that you got killed ♪

♪ I guess you just touched
something inside me ♪

♪ The same way you touched
those guys with AIDS ♪

♪ And that's why I wrote
this song about you ♪

♪ This is the song
for you I made ♪

♪ Because I know you had
tender loving care ♪

Good... ooh! Oh, God!

'Oh! I can't breathe.
I can't breathe.'

'Oh, [bleep].
I can't breathe.'

'Gary, get up front.
We [bleep]-ed this up, man.'

'I [bleep] landed
on my tailbone. Ow!'

'Cut me those hotdogs.'

Of course,
there will be a eulogy

read by none other
than my better half

Jim dangle.

"It was no secret
that Trudy and I

"were somewhat of an item.

"Sure, I acted as though
I couldn't stand her

"even joked at times
how I wished she were dead.

"In fact, we were
so in love

"that Trudy has made
arrangements for us

"to be buried
not side by side

"because that would be
very expensive

"to get two plots

"but in the same grave

right on top of one another."