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1
00:00:05,338 --> 00:00:07,256
Sheriff's department.
2
00:00:07,257 --> 00:00:08,924
Hello?
Sheriff's department.
3
00:00:08,925 --> 00:00:11,427
We got a call here at the
Nevada State Mental Hospital
4
00:00:11,428 --> 00:00:12,177
that they had an emergency.
5
00:00:12,178 --> 00:00:15,097
Oh, here's the police officers.
6
00:00:15,098 --> 00:00:16,265
Thank you so much for coming.
7
00:00:16,266 --> 00:00:19,601
I just need you guys
to take a look at this.
8
00:00:19,602 --> 00:00:20,603
Okay.
9
00:00:23,022 --> 00:00:24,231
It's is a picture
of a man's penis.
10
00:00:24,232 --> 00:00:27,735
My penis.
11
00:00:27,736 --> 00:00:29,987
So you guys drove 45 minutes
12
00:00:29,988 --> 00:00:34,241
to take a look at
a polaroid of my penis?
13
00:00:34,242 --> 00:00:38,913
So who's crazy now? Bbllbbll!
14
00:00:39,748 --> 00:00:41,081
- 'Andy.'
- Grrr.
15
00:00:41,082 --> 00:00:43,625
- Andy, back in the hole, man.
- Come on--
16
00:00:43,626 --> 00:00:44,460
You've got to stay off
the phones, okay?
17
00:00:44,461 --> 00:00:46,420
'Tell the phones
to stay off of me.'
18
00:00:46,421 --> 00:00:47,296
'Hey, you can hold on to
that, sugar tits.'
19
00:00:47,297 --> 00:00:50,632
'You can find me on eharmony.'
20
00:00:52,469 --> 00:00:54,137
Son of a bitch. God damn it!
21
00:00:58,433 --> 00:00:59,433
Come on!
22
00:00:59,434 --> 00:01:01,311
They all have guns!
23
00:01:09,402 --> 00:01:11,487
- Ow!
- Push 'em together?
24
00:01:11,488 --> 00:01:12,989
{\an8}Sheriff's department!
I need your bike!
25
00:01:14,949 --> 00:01:15,909
Ow, God!
26
00:01:25,585 --> 00:01:27,503
- Watch.
- You did not...
27
00:01:27,504 --> 00:01:28,546
Aah!
28
00:01:36,304 --> 00:01:40,182
{\an8}'I'm sorry if I'm,
if I'm on edge today.'
29
00:01:40,183 --> 00:01:41,308
{\an8}My a capella choir has
disbanded. I'm sorry.
30
00:01:41,309 --> 00:01:43,435
- Aw...
- Aw, that's rough.
31
00:01:43,436 --> 00:01:46,021
You and Jeff aren't gonna
do it anymore?'
32
00:01:46,022 --> 00:01:49,733
No. We will never...
Me and Jeff will never... We...
33
00:01:49,734 --> 00:01:51,860
Oh, I will never darken
his door again.
34
00:01:51,861 --> 00:01:54,029
'Oh, I'll be assigning shifts.'
35
00:01:54,030 --> 00:01:55,239
We have to keep an eye
on that witness
36
00:01:55,240 --> 00:01:58,534
for the state's
attorney's office.
37
00:01:58,535 --> 00:02:00,202
Mario...
In that case...
38
00:02:00,203 --> 00:02:02,871
'I don't know if that's...
Is that the code name?'
39
00:02:02,872 --> 00:02:04,081
Code name for him?
40
00:02:04,082 --> 00:02:05,207
There's no one
in real enforcement
41
00:02:05,208 --> 00:02:06,542
but you that uses code names
42
00:02:06,543 --> 00:02:07,835
so I'm assuming
that's his real name.
43
00:02:07,836 --> 00:02:09,086
Okay, his real name
is probably Mario
44
00:02:09,087 --> 00:02:13,173
but he's gonna be held up
at the...
45
00:02:13,174 --> 00:02:15,217
I shouldn't even... I won't say
the name of the hotel.
46
00:02:15,218 --> 00:02:16,260
'Who are you hiding it from?'
47
00:02:16,261 --> 00:02:18,262
The Shear Arms hotel
is where we're gonna be holding
48
00:02:18,263 --> 00:02:20,973
that state's witness.
49
00:02:20,974 --> 00:02:22,432
- What was that?
- 'Cause it was secret.
50
00:02:22,433 --> 00:02:24,852
- 'From who?'
- 'Well, we heard it.'
51
00:02:24,853 --> 00:02:26,687
- 'Everybody heard it.'
- Of course, but you heard it.
52
00:02:26,688 --> 00:02:27,563
- They heard it, too.
- I think they heard it.
53
00:02:27,564 --> 00:02:29,731
Fine. Okay. So they're
holding that--
54
00:02:29,732 --> 00:02:31,316
'Did you think we were
moving?'
55
00:02:31,317 --> 00:02:33,944
No. I-I got confused.
56
00:02:33,945 --> 00:02:35,404
No one has claimed
the birdfeeder
57
00:02:35,405 --> 00:02:37,030
from the junior deputy's raffle.
58
00:02:37,031 --> 00:02:38,657
I would like to get that
off of my books.
59
00:02:38,658 --> 00:02:41,577
If you won the
birdfeeder, come
60
00:02:41,578 --> 00:02:43,245
get it off my desk.
61
00:02:43,246 --> 00:02:46,874
I don't want that
eyesore on my desk anymore.
62
00:02:46,875 --> 00:02:47,958
- That's what that thing is?
- 'Yes.'
63
00:02:47,959 --> 00:02:49,251
That's a birdfeeder?
64
00:02:49,252 --> 00:02:50,419
They're the
junior deputy's
65
00:02:50,420 --> 00:02:51,420
and they have the slow ones
helping this year.
66
00:02:51,421 --> 00:02:54,256
No bird would feed
from that thing.
67
00:02:54,257 --> 00:02:55,591
I agree! I want it off my desk.
68
00:02:55,592 --> 00:02:57,593
If you won it, come claim
it, or I'm throwing it away.
69
00:02:57,594 --> 00:02:59,428
Why don't they raffle off
lawn jockeys anymore?
70
00:02:59,429 --> 00:03:02,055
I love them lawn jockeys
they used to make.
71
00:03:02,056 --> 00:03:04,266
Yeah, they got--
You know why.
72
00:03:04,267 --> 00:03:05,475
They don't raffle
'em off anymore
73
00:03:05,476 --> 00:03:06,310
'cause they have them
workin' here with us.
74
00:03:06,311 --> 00:03:08,688
Ha ha!
75
00:03:10,315 --> 00:03:11,733
Oh, I got a million of 'em.
76
00:03:16,654 --> 00:03:17,487
- Hey, Carmen.
- Hey, Carmen.
77
00:03:17,488 --> 00:03:19,656
- 'Look at you.'
- Hi, guys.
78
00:03:19,657 --> 00:03:21,283
You almost got us with
the hose there, I see.
79
00:03:21,284 --> 00:03:22,451
Hey, how you doin' on
your meds, Carmen?
80
00:03:22,452 --> 00:03:24,578
- Carmen?
- What?
81
00:03:24,579 --> 00:03:27,331
Carmen! How are you
doin' on your meds?
82
00:03:27,332 --> 00:03:28,457
Do... Carmen?
83
00:03:28,458 --> 00:03:30,125
Do we need to send
somebody by to check
84
00:03:30,126 --> 00:03:30,959
if you've been taking your meds?
85
00:03:30,960 --> 00:03:32,336
- Yes.
- Speak into the microphone.
86
00:03:32,337 --> 00:03:36,298
Yes, you do need to send
somebody by.
87
00:03:36,299 --> 00:03:37,466
Hey, Carmen,
real quick before we go.
88
00:03:37,467 --> 00:03:40,135
We just wanted to ask.
89
00:03:40,136 --> 00:03:41,637
There was this vacuum cleaner
salesman who went miss--.
90
00:03:41,638 --> 00:03:43,639
Oh, yeah, yeah.
91
00:03:43,640 --> 00:03:48,644
Have you seen this
man, Mr. Merrick?
92
00:03:48,645 --> 00:03:50,103
Yeah, no.
93
00:03:50,104 --> 00:03:51,647
- Yeah, first you said yes.
- You said yeah.
94
00:03:51,648 --> 00:03:52,856
You have seen him?
95
00:03:52,857 --> 00:03:53,857
He went missing
about ten days ago.
96
00:03:53,858 --> 00:03:55,359
- In this neighborhood.
- Has it been ten days?
97
00:03:55,360 --> 00:03:58,904
Okay. I'm gonna search
the house, you keep her talking.
98
00:03:58,905 --> 00:04:01,156
Yeah. Let's get to
the part where...
99
00:04:01,157 --> 00:04:02,658
Carl Merrick,
are you still alive?
100
00:04:02,659 --> 00:04:04,660
...where you either,
I'm just guessing.
101
00:04:04,661 --> 00:04:06,328
I'm gonna take a wild guess...
102
00:04:06,329 --> 00:04:07,621
'Hey, Carmen, where
should I start looking?'
103
00:04:07,622 --> 00:04:08,830
...tied him up or--
104
00:04:08,831 --> 00:04:10,540
You can start in the freezer.
105
00:04:10,541 --> 00:04:13,502
- Or the... No, no.
- Is he in one piece?
106
00:04:13,503 --> 00:04:14,711
'Mr. Merrick,
are you still alive?'
107
00:04:14,712 --> 00:04:17,673
- Well...
- Mr. Merrick?
108
00:04:17,674 --> 00:04:20,676
- His head is.
- Okay.
109
00:04:20,677 --> 00:04:22,678
Okay.
110
00:04:22,679 --> 00:04:24,346
It's weird. It's just
like a vacuum
111
00:04:24,347 --> 00:04:25,973
like they come apart so easy.
112
00:04:25,974 --> 00:04:26,515
- People?
- Yeah.
113
00:04:26,516 --> 00:04:29,476
Oh, my God! Okay.
114
00:04:29,477 --> 00:04:30,394
- He's not missing anymore.
- 'Okay.'
115
00:04:30,395 --> 00:04:32,521
We don't miss him.
116
00:04:32,522 --> 00:04:34,523
Listen, listen, listen
to me. I can ex--
117
00:04:34,524 --> 00:04:36,692
Well, first of all,
can we get a smoothie?
118
00:04:36,693 --> 00:04:38,068
Sure, we can.
119
00:04:42,156 --> 00:04:44,700
{\an8}We're out here at
the Sage Brush Motor Home Park
120
00:04:44,701 --> 00:04:47,536
{\an8}serving a search warrant
on a Mr. Steven Samantino.
121
00:04:47,537 --> 00:04:50,831
A lot of scumbags
live in this area
122
00:04:50,832 --> 00:04:53,333
which is a shame 'cause
it's a really nice area.
123
00:04:53,334 --> 00:04:55,419
You kidding? It's like
the Taj Mahal here.
124
00:04:56,587 --> 00:04:58,880
Frank. It's this one.
125
00:04:58,881 --> 00:05:00,215
It's right here.
126
00:05:00,216 --> 00:05:01,508
Okay.
127
00:05:01,509 --> 00:05:03,218
'How do you know
how to do this?'
128
00:05:03,219 --> 00:05:04,052
'cause I know how to do it.
129
00:05:04,053 --> 00:05:05,972
I take a class
at the Learning Annex.
130
00:05:07,640 --> 00:05:08,890
- Sheriff's--
- Sheriff's department!
131
00:05:08,891 --> 00:05:15,605
- Sheriff's department!
- Sheriff's department!
132
00:05:15,606 --> 00:05:17,607
- Franky, are you okay?
- I'm fine because no one...
133
00:05:18,526 --> 00:05:19,568
- It's moving.
- What the [bleep]!
134
00:05:19,569 --> 00:05:22,112
It's moving. What's goin' on?
135
00:05:22,113 --> 00:05:23,113
- What's goin' on?
- We're moving.
136
00:05:23,114 --> 00:05:25,449
- 'Why are we moving?'
- 'Why are we moving?'
137
00:05:25,450 --> 00:05:27,576
- Stop this mobile home!
- Let me out!
138
00:05:27,577 --> 00:05:30,871
- One, two, three!
- Tuck and roll!
139
00:05:30,872 --> 00:05:32,289
- I can't do it.
- What?
140
00:05:32,290 --> 00:05:33,165
It's high. It looks so painful.
141
00:05:33,166 --> 00:05:35,250
- I'll do it. I'll do it.
- Alright.
142
00:05:35,251 --> 00:05:39,004
One, two, three!
143
00:05:39,005 --> 00:05:40,714
- I can't do it.
- Come back in.
144
00:05:40,715 --> 00:05:42,215
Okay. Let's go at the same time.
145
00:05:42,216 --> 00:05:44,551
Alright. Okay.
146
00:05:44,552 --> 00:05:47,596
One, two, three!
147
00:05:53,061 --> 00:05:56,563
{\an8}A federal witness we were
keeping in protective custody.
148
00:05:56,564 --> 00:05:57,939
{\an8}When's the trial, two weeks?
149
00:05:57,940 --> 00:05:58,983
{\an8}Two weeks.
150
00:06:09,410 --> 00:06:11,119
- Mario?
- I guess.
151
00:06:11,120 --> 00:06:12,913
- Mario?
- Are you Mario?
152
00:06:12,914 --> 00:06:14,331
'I've heard of this.'
153
00:06:14,332 --> 00:06:15,957
There's times,
you know, where the dog
154
00:06:15,958 --> 00:06:18,543
the dog, like,
can identify a smell.
155
00:06:18,544 --> 00:06:20,754
So the dog probably...
156
00:06:20,755 --> 00:06:22,506
- Lived with a murderer.
- Yes, yes.
157
00:06:22,507 --> 00:06:23,715
And so...
158
00:06:23,716 --> 00:06:25,926
And they're gonna
bring 'em on the stand
159
00:06:25,927 --> 00:06:27,302
and they're gonna bring Mario...
160
00:06:27,303 --> 00:06:29,930
they're gonna ask the dog,
they're gonna say
161
00:06:29,931 --> 00:06:30,639
is this, is this the man?
162
00:06:30,640 --> 00:06:32,641
And the dog will know by smell.
163
00:06:32,642 --> 00:06:34,017
- 'Yeah.'
- Good Mario.
164
00:06:34,018 --> 00:06:36,186
Oh, maybe the dog
swallowed some kinda like
165
00:06:36,187 --> 00:06:37,187
microfilm or something.
166
00:06:37,188 --> 00:06:38,188
Oh, ye--.
167
00:06:38,189 --> 00:06:39,523
Maybe he's got microfilm in him
168
00:06:39,524 --> 00:06:41,983
'like he swallowed
some kind of evidence'
169
00:06:41,984 --> 00:06:45,112
'some kind of, like, tape
or, like, some kind of
those...'
170
00:06:45,113 --> 00:06:46,988
You know those new,
weird little things you can put
171
00:06:46,989 --> 00:06:47,948
in your computer
and they're like discs
172
00:06:47,949 --> 00:06:50,492
but they're, like,
little suppositories.
173
00:06:50,493 --> 00:06:52,202
- Little firewires.
- Yeah, little firewires.
174
00:06:52,203 --> 00:06:53,787
Yeah, maybe
he ate a firewire.
175
00:06:53,788 --> 00:06:54,955
- Did you eat a firewire?
- Did you eat a firewire?
176
00:06:54,956 --> 00:06:58,708
- Did you eat a firewire, Mario?
- Did you eat a firewire?
177
00:06:58,709 --> 00:06:59,626
Are we supposed to wait
for this dog to poop
178
00:06:59,627 --> 00:07:02,003
some sort of
evidence out? No, no, no.
179
00:07:02,004 --> 00:07:04,172
I would have thinked they would
have told us to check his poop--
180
00:07:04,173 --> 00:07:04,923
No, no.
We're just supposed to turn
181
00:07:04,924 --> 00:07:06,967
we're supposed to
keep Mario safe.
182
00:07:06,968 --> 00:07:09,970
Oh. Ho-ho. Who's a good
witness for the state?
183
00:07:09,971 --> 00:07:11,805
Who's a witness
for the state, Mario?
184
00:07:11,806 --> 00:07:13,140
Who's a witness for the state?
185
00:07:13,141 --> 00:07:15,225
Mario is a witness
for the state. Ha ha!
186
00:07:15,226 --> 00:07:16,685
Did you feel any
firewire in there?
187
00:07:21,774 --> 00:07:23,650
Ah! Alright, look.
188
00:07:23,651 --> 00:07:25,694
You know what?
189
00:07:25,695 --> 00:07:26,778
He's got to have somethin'...
190
00:07:26,779 --> 00:07:30,365
This guy's got to have
somethin' here to, to drink.
191
00:07:30,366 --> 00:07:33,451
- I could use a drink maybe.
- I'm thirsty.
192
00:07:33,452 --> 00:07:35,412
Ah, eureka!
193
00:07:35,413 --> 00:07:37,497
Huh? Huh?
194
00:07:37,498 --> 00:07:39,332
- What about it?
- I'm not usually a drinker.
195
00:07:39,333 --> 00:07:40,750
- Come on.
- But today I drink.
196
00:07:40,751 --> 00:07:41,793
Today you drink, right?
197
00:07:41,794 --> 00:07:44,045
Here is to us getting to know
198
00:07:44,046 --> 00:07:45,213
each other a little better.
199
00:07:45,214 --> 00:07:47,674
Alright. Here is to us getting
the [bleep] out of here
200
00:07:47,675 --> 00:07:48,758
before I blow my brains out.
201
00:07:48,759 --> 00:07:50,803
Okay, okay, touche.
202
00:07:53,139 --> 00:07:54,931
I actually feel
203
00:07:54,932 --> 00:07:57,392
like I can stand a little
bit better now.
204
00:07:57,393 --> 00:07:58,727
- Yeah?
- Yeah.
205
00:07:58,728 --> 00:08:00,228
- I'll have some more of that.
- Yeah, Alright.
206
00:08:00,229 --> 00:08:01,855
- It makes me feel--
- Alright, I'll do it.
207
00:08:01,856 --> 00:08:04,232
I didn't think
I was gonna have fun
208
00:08:04,233 --> 00:08:05,150
and I'm actually having fun.
209
00:08:05,151 --> 00:08:07,736
- I am, too.
- I feel like we're at a disco.
210
00:08:07,737 --> 00:08:10,238
It's kind of like
a disco dance, huh?
211
00:08:10,239 --> 00:08:12,574
- Or like a mosh pit, right?
- Whoa.
212
00:08:12,575 --> 00:08:16,411
Oh. Oh. That was close.
213
00:08:16,412 --> 00:08:18,663
- Is that your penis?
- That is my penis.
214
00:08:18,664 --> 00:08:21,750
- Is that your vagina?
- It is my vagina.
215
00:08:21,751 --> 00:08:23,585
- Okay.
- I don't hate this.
216
00:08:23,586 --> 00:08:24,586
This is not a terrible thing.
217
00:08:24,587 --> 00:08:27,464
This is not the worst thing
that has happened
218
00:08:27,465 --> 00:08:28,924
since we have been in here.
219
00:08:28,925 --> 00:08:31,927
No. In fact, I would say it's
the best thing that happened
220
00:08:31,928 --> 00:08:32,761
and I don't mind if it
keeps happening
221
00:08:32,762 --> 00:08:35,722
for at least another 45 seconds.
222
00:08:45,858 --> 00:08:46,775
Every time we do this
I get nauseous.
223
00:08:46,776 --> 00:08:50,278
The back and forth, winding...
224
00:08:50,279 --> 00:08:52,614
We got to. We got a 911 call
from Ranger Glen.
225
00:08:52,615 --> 00:08:55,867
'Ahh!'
226
00:08:55,868 --> 00:08:57,452
- Hey, hey, hey!
- Ahh!
227
00:08:57,453 --> 00:08:57,994
- Take it easy, buddy.
- What happened?
228
00:08:57,995 --> 00:08:59,746
Get back. No, no, no.
229
00:08:59,747 --> 00:09:01,248
Don't come.
It could be contagious.
230
00:09:01,249 --> 00:09:05,585
Don't. A rabid cougar got my leg
and tried to rip it off
231
00:09:05,586 --> 00:09:08,296
and I fought him,
and he tried to get my stuff
232
00:09:08,297 --> 00:09:10,257
and I had to fight him off
and he put...
233
00:09:10,258 --> 00:09:11,800
Took my tibia and grabbed
a piece of bone out of my leg
234
00:09:11,801 --> 00:09:14,469
and he ran off with
a piece of my bone
235
00:09:14,470 --> 00:09:16,304
and I... Get back!
236
00:09:16,305 --> 00:09:18,807
It happened, like, two days ago
237
00:09:18,808 --> 00:09:20,267
and I didn't want to
call you guys
238
00:09:20,268 --> 00:09:21,685
so it started clotting up--
239
00:09:21,686 --> 00:09:22,644
Two days you've been in this
kind of crazy, screaming pain?
240
00:09:22,645 --> 00:09:24,771
Yeah.
241
00:09:24,772 --> 00:09:26,648
How come you
didn't call us before then?
242
00:09:26,649 --> 00:09:27,983
'Cause I don't like
bothering you guys.
243
00:09:27,984 --> 00:09:30,318
I know you hate coming out
to 30, 40 miles to get here.
244
00:09:30,319 --> 00:09:31,820
I'm really sorry
245
00:09:31,821 --> 00:09:34,698
but this thing's got to get me
into town for a couple weeks.
246
00:09:34,699 --> 00:09:36,825
I got my day pack inside.
247
00:09:36,826 --> 00:09:38,785
I got... Are you guys thirsty?
248
00:09:38,786 --> 00:09:39,786
- What?
- Wait a minute.
249
00:09:39,787 --> 00:09:41,329
It's got, like...
250
00:09:41,330 --> 00:09:43,540
Don't get close to it,
officer. It's got, like--
251
00:09:43,541 --> 00:09:45,834
What?
252
00:09:45,835 --> 00:09:47,669
'Don't eat my blood!'
253
00:09:47,670 --> 00:09:51,172
What are you, a zombie?
254
00:09:51,173 --> 00:09:52,173
Spaghetti sauce.
255
00:09:52,174 --> 00:09:53,508
Come on. I'll show you.
256
00:09:53,509 --> 00:09:55,510
I put spaghetti sauce on it,
but there is a wound.
257
00:09:55,511 --> 00:09:56,803
I'm not lying.
I'm gonna come with you.
258
00:09:56,804 --> 00:09:58,179
'You're not...
Get out of here.'
259
00:09:58,180 --> 00:09:59,556
- I have a...
- You're not comin' with us.
260
00:09:59,557 --> 00:10:01,683
- I have a compound fracture!
- You do not.
261
00:10:01,684 --> 00:10:05,186
- 911, donner, donner pass.
- Give me that.
262
00:10:05,187 --> 00:10:06,062
- We have a 911!
- Give me that! [bleep].
263
00:10:06,063 --> 00:10:07,856
- Man down! Man down!
- Give me that.
264
00:10:07,857 --> 00:10:09,858
- Give me that!
- Man down!
265
00:10:09,859 --> 00:10:11,901
- Give me that.
- Big, big, big, big!
266
00:10:17,950 --> 00:10:19,367
- Okay.
- Alright, okay.
267
00:10:19,368 --> 00:10:22,912
Wait, you have the right
to remain sexy.
268
00:10:22,913 --> 00:10:24,789
- Can I make a suggestion?
- Yeah.
269
00:10:24,790 --> 00:10:27,042
Can I get my pants off first?
270
00:10:27,960 --> 00:10:33,048
'Woo! Sweetie. Sweetie.'
271
00:10:33,049 --> 00:10:36,217
The pressure of that
shower was unbelievable.
272
00:10:36,218 --> 00:10:37,010
Who would have thought
a moving motor home
273
00:10:37,011 --> 00:10:39,387
would have such
good water pressure?
274
00:10:39,388 --> 00:10:40,847
- Not me.
- Ha-ha-ha.
275
00:10:40,848 --> 00:10:43,350
♪ Lady in the shower ♪
276
00:10:43,351 --> 00:10:45,894
♪ Should I be so lucky ♪
277
00:10:45,895 --> 00:10:46,728
♪ Lady in the shower ♪
278
00:10:46,729 --> 00:10:49,689
♪ Let's [bleep bleep bleep] ♪
279
00:10:49,690 --> 00:10:50,732
Ha-ha-ha!
280
00:10:50,733 --> 00:10:52,567
- You know who sang that?
- You did.
281
00:10:52,568 --> 00:10:53,568
- Me. I sang it.
- Just now.
282
00:10:53,569 --> 00:10:54,402
I sang it.
283
00:11:15,591 --> 00:11:17,801
{\an8}Alright, kids,
I am deputy Williams
284
00:11:17,802 --> 00:11:20,303
{\an8}and I'm gonna talk to y'all
285
00:11:20,304 --> 00:11:24,974
about keepin' yourself
safe from pregnancy.
286
00:11:24,975 --> 00:11:27,435
'Now, I know
you've probably heard a lot'
287
00:11:27,436 --> 00:11:32,774
you know, about
condoms or, or abstinence.
288
00:11:32,775 --> 00:11:33,608
'I'm gonna talk to you about'
289
00:11:33,609 --> 00:11:36,945
'something even
better than' that.
290
00:11:36,946 --> 00:11:37,946
Gettin' your tubes tied.
291
00:11:37,947 --> 00:11:40,156
Yes!
292
00:11:40,157 --> 00:11:41,950
Raise your hand if you know
what an epidural is.
293
00:11:41,951 --> 00:11:42,909
Anybody? All this?
294
00:11:42,910 --> 00:11:43,952
Mine is still dead.
295
00:11:43,953 --> 00:11:46,121
I don't feel none of that.
296
00:11:46,122 --> 00:11:48,581
They're gonna cut you
across here, alright?
297
00:11:48,582 --> 00:11:49,999
Then they're gonna take the
bottom of your stomach
298
00:11:50,000 --> 00:11:54,295
and they gonna clip,
clip that to your breast meat.
299
00:11:54,296 --> 00:11:56,798
'Alright, now if some of y'all'
300
00:11:56,799 --> 00:11:58,049
are still as flat-chested
as you are right now
301
00:11:58,050 --> 00:12:00,969
they just gonna skiz it up
underneath your ribcage.
302
00:12:00,970 --> 00:12:04,848
Then you'll feel a tugging
sensation, huh?
303
00:12:04,849 --> 00:12:07,308
You feel this just
being tugged on.
304
00:12:07,309 --> 00:12:10,979
Then after that,
you smell bacon.
305
00:12:10,980 --> 00:12:17,318
Huh? Alright. Because that's
the laser burning your tubes.
306
00:12:17,319 --> 00:12:20,363
Hopefully you do understand
if you want to get
307
00:12:20,364 --> 00:12:22,657
with your man, have a plan.
308
00:12:28,789 --> 00:12:31,374
Thanks. I'm gonna
watch the game, I think.
309
00:12:31,375 --> 00:12:32,959
There's a good football game on.
310
00:12:32,960 --> 00:12:35,837
Check out the game,
crack open a beer
311
00:12:35,838 --> 00:12:36,880
chill out, relax and adjust.
312
00:12:36,881 --> 00:12:40,049
- You know what? Wow.
- What do you mean, wow?
313
00:12:40,050 --> 00:12:43,136
- Oh, I just, wow.
- Wha... What do you mean, wow?
314
00:12:43,137 --> 00:12:45,221
I just feel like a whore.
315
00:12:45,222 --> 00:12:47,015
You and the...
Aw, here we go.
316
00:12:47,016 --> 00:12:48,516
- No, don't touch me.
- Here we go.
317
00:12:48,517 --> 00:12:49,893
No. Don't you know how
that makes me feel?
318
00:12:49,894 --> 00:12:52,645
Oh, how does it make you feel?
319
00:12:52,646 --> 00:12:54,314
How do you think
that makes me feel
320
00:12:54,315 --> 00:12:55,857
like I'm slaving over the stove.
321
00:12:55,858 --> 00:12:57,317
I didn't ask you to slave.
322
00:12:57,318 --> 00:12:58,276
You said "I'm gonna cut
up these tomatoes."
323
00:12:58,277 --> 00:13:01,196
Oh, now you're gonna
make fun of my accent now?
324
00:13:01,197 --> 00:13:02,864
Hey, how about
some spray cheese?
325
00:13:02,865 --> 00:13:04,532
- Ah-ba-ba-ba-ba!
- You know what?
326
00:13:04,533 --> 00:13:05,909
I've had better spray
cheese than that.
327
00:13:05,910 --> 00:13:08,703
Honeymoon's over, I guess.
328
00:13:08,704 --> 00:13:09,370
- Honeymoon's over, okay?
- You know what?
329
00:13:09,371 --> 00:13:11,039
it. I'll do the dishes.
330
00:13:11,040 --> 00:13:12,916
No, no, [bleep] it.
I'll do the dishes.
331
00:13:12,917 --> 00:13:16,044
I should have known better
than to [bleep] an Italian.
332
00:13:16,045 --> 00:13:17,045
.
333
00:13:20,591 --> 00:13:24,219
{\an8}They are these brand-new
Al-Qaeda dogs.
334
00:13:24,220 --> 00:13:25,887
{\an8}- 'They're smart dogs.'
- 'They're smart dogs.'
335
00:13:25,888 --> 00:13:27,889
{\an8}And what they do is they put
these little chips in 'em.
336
00:13:27,890 --> 00:13:29,390
- It's a surveillance dog.
- Yeah. Right.
337
00:13:29,391 --> 00:13:31,935
'Are you an Al-Qaeda
surveillance dog, Mario?'
338
00:13:31,936 --> 00:13:33,853
'Is that why we're turning
you over to the state's--'
339
00:13:33,854 --> 00:13:36,064
He looks a little bit like
an Al-Qaeda surveillance dog.
340
00:13:36,065 --> 00:13:38,191
And so like, if he's--
341
00:13:38,192 --> 00:13:39,442
There's like a...
There's a microphone in here.
342
00:13:39,443 --> 00:13:40,902
I see something.
343
00:13:40,903 --> 00:13:43,863
Testing, one, two, one, two,
check, one, two.
344
00:13:43,864 --> 00:13:45,365
Mario mic check.
345
00:13:45,366 --> 00:13:47,784
Mario microphone check.
346
00:13:47,785 --> 00:13:49,410
This would have been a very
good encyclopedia brown...
347
00:13:49,411 --> 00:13:50,411
This sort of case.
348
00:13:56,335 --> 00:13:56,960
'Phone's not supposed
to be ringing, is it?'
349
00:13:56,961 --> 00:13:58,003
'No.'
350
00:14:03,217 --> 00:14:04,509
They're probably right
outside the door.
351
00:14:04,510 --> 00:14:05,385
What they're doin' is
they're checking to see
352
00:14:05,386 --> 00:14:07,470
if we're in here
and if we're in here
353
00:14:07,471 --> 00:14:08,555
they're gonna know I'm
right by the phone
354
00:14:08,556 --> 00:14:10,723
and they're gonna come in
and shoot in this corner.
355
00:14:10,724 --> 00:14:11,057
I'm getting in front of the dog.
356
00:14:11,058 --> 00:14:13,935
Yep. Okay.
357
00:14:13,936 --> 00:14:15,436
Is Mar... Get behind me, Mario.
358
00:14:15,437 --> 00:14:16,729
You stay behind him.
Stay behind him.
359
00:14:16,730 --> 00:14:17,730
Stay right behind me,
Mario.
360
00:14:17,731 --> 00:14:18,731
Stay behind him, Mario.
361
00:14:18,732 --> 00:14:21,734
- Okay. Ready?
- Swear to God.
362
00:14:27,157 --> 00:14:30,369
Pick up.
363
00:14:30,703 --> 00:14:34,622
Room 304.
364
00:14:34,623 --> 00:14:36,749
Uh, no, that's okay.
We don't need turn-down service.
365
00:14:36,750 --> 00:14:39,294
Thank you, though.
366
00:14:39,295 --> 00:14:40,920
Gracias.
You have a nice day, too.
367
00:14:50,180 --> 00:14:52,473
Kinda got to take a leak.
368
00:14:52,474 --> 00:14:55,310
Go for it.
I'll watch the witness.
369
00:14:55,311 --> 00:14:56,853
Whew. Then we'll check
the hall again.
370
00:14:56,854 --> 00:14:58,813
And then I say after that, we'll
check the roof again, yeah?
371
00:14:58,814 --> 00:14:59,981
Yeah, let's do a sweep
of the roof.
372
00:14:59,982 --> 00:15:02,984
We'll do a sweep of
the hall... Sweep again.
373
00:15:02,985 --> 00:15:04,778
'We ain't sweep the basement
in a while either.'
374
00:15:10,326 --> 00:15:13,203
- Uh, junior?
- Yes, sir?
375
00:15:17,499 --> 00:15:19,501
There's no chance that
this is Mario, is there?
376
00:15:21,211 --> 00:15:24,005
- That makes a lot more sense.
- That's--Yep.
377
00:15:27,301 --> 00:15:29,135
'And what's this word here?'
378
00:15:29,136 --> 00:15:30,678
'First time offender.'
379
00:15:30,679 --> 00:15:33,848
- Okay, what's this word here?
- Uh, incarceration?
380
00:15:33,849 --> 00:15:34,724
- Very good.
- Yeah.
381
00:15:34,725 --> 00:15:38,061
- What's this here?
- Bludgeon tool.
382
00:15:38,062 --> 00:15:39,979
Bludgeon.
Let's work on bludgeon.
383
00:15:39,980 --> 00:15:41,814
- Brudgeon.
- One more time.
384
00:15:41,815 --> 00:15:43,399
Maybe you say it for me
and then I can--
385
00:15:43,400 --> 00:15:44,817
- Ready? Ready?
- Okay.
386
00:15:44,818 --> 00:15:46,069
Let's look at it together,
and I'll say it.
387
00:15:46,070 --> 00:15:47,195
- Okay.
- Bludgeon.
388
00:15:47,196 --> 00:15:51,157
- Bludgeon.
- Bludgeon. Bludgeon.
389
00:15:51,158 --> 00:15:53,201
I'm gonna bludgeon
you. Bludgeon.
390
00:15:53,202 --> 00:15:54,202
My mouth don't go like that.
How do you do that?
391
00:15:54,203 --> 00:15:57,538
It doesn't have to go like that.
392
00:15:57,539 --> 00:15:59,707
It's just the word is bludgeon.
393
00:15:59,708 --> 00:16:01,250
- Oh. Sawed-off shotgun.
- Exactly.
394
00:16:01,251 --> 00:16:05,254
Uh, Cindy, I'm supposed
to book Benjamin Talmadge
395
00:16:05,255 --> 00:16:11,219
for four counts of grand ferony?
Ferony? Feroni?
396
00:16:11,220 --> 00:16:13,763
- Yeah. Felony.
- What's that?
397
00:16:13,764 --> 00:16:15,139
Oh, Cindy, that's--
398
00:16:15,140 --> 00:16:18,351
Felony. You know, there's, like,
misdemeanor, there's felony.
399
00:16:18,352 --> 00:16:19,894
Ferony. Got it.
400
00:16:19,895 --> 00:16:22,063
Okay, you say that one time?
401
00:16:22,064 --> 00:16:23,898
Ferony.
402
00:16:24,900 --> 00:16:26,984
Ferony.
403
00:16:26,985 --> 00:16:27,902
Pretty good.
404
00:16:27,903 --> 00:16:31,406
I was having problems
reading that report.
405
00:16:31,407 --> 00:16:32,949
What is that word?
406
00:16:32,950 --> 00:16:35,743
Raceny.
407
00:16:35,744 --> 00:16:37,912
You know, it's when
people steal something.
408
00:16:37,913 --> 00:16:38,413
Called Raceny, right?
409
00:16:38,414 --> 00:16:41,082
Attempted Raceny.
410
00:16:41,083 --> 00:16:42,083
It's a ferony.
411
00:16:49,675 --> 00:16:51,426
Trudy!
412
00:16:51,427 --> 00:16:53,386
'Wake up! Wake up!'
413
00:16:53,387 --> 00:16:54,429
- 'Wake up!'
- What?
414
00:16:54,430 --> 00:16:56,055
Wake up?
415
00:16:56,056 --> 00:16:58,266
- We stopped.
- We stopped.
416
00:16:58,267 --> 00:17:00,935
Take this, take this.
417
00:17:00,936 --> 00:17:03,438
Okay. Here we go. Okay.
418
00:17:03,439 --> 00:17:04,814
- I'm sorry.
- I'm sorry, too.
419
00:17:04,815 --> 00:17:06,107
Okay.
420
00:17:06,108 --> 00:17:07,109
Ready?
421
00:17:12,698 --> 00:17:15,242
Senor. Passaportes.
422
00:17:19,997 --> 00:17:22,248
No tengo passaportes.
423
00:17:22,249 --> 00:17:25,960
No tengo at all passaportes.
424
00:17:25,961 --> 00:17:28,963
Aqui en Mexico.
Necesita passaportes.
425
00:17:28,964 --> 00:17:31,591
Can I offer you some money?
426
00:17:31,592 --> 00:17:34,427
Dinero? Dinero?
427
00:17:34,428 --> 00:17:36,304
Robert De Niro, huh?
428
00:17:36,305 --> 00:17:38,723
Robert De Niro.
429
00:17:38,724 --> 00:17:40,601
Hmm, you talking to me?
430
00:17:51,695 --> 00:17:52,904
'Well, my name is Chris.'
431
00:17:52,905 --> 00:17:55,281
My name is Glen,
and it's a pleasure to be here
432
00:17:55,282 --> 00:17:58,493
to talk to you
about your 401k program.
433
00:17:58,494 --> 00:18:00,661
Are you guys excited?
We say 401, you say k.
434
00:18:00,662 --> 00:18:03,164
- 401.
- K.
435
00:18:03,165 --> 00:18:04,207
- 401.
- 'K.'
436
00:18:04,208 --> 00:18:05,666
- '401.'
- K.
437
00:18:05,667 --> 00:18:07,001
'Great job, great job.'
438
00:18:07,002 --> 00:18:08,669
You guys were
in our premier fund
439
00:18:08,670 --> 00:18:09,337
'it's called
the international fund'
440
00:18:09,338 --> 00:18:11,672
'we put all you guys in there'
441
00:18:11,673 --> 00:18:12,423
'and things
were goin' so great.'
442
00:18:12,424 --> 00:18:14,300
You guys were makin'
so much money.
443
00:18:14,301 --> 00:18:18,679
Here's the bad news. Hold on.
I know it's exciting.
444
00:18:18,680 --> 00:18:22,016
'As you may have read
in the newspapers'
445
00:18:22,017 --> 00:18:25,645
the economy collapsed
all across the world
446
00:18:25,646 --> 00:18:29,732
and the international fund
lost a [bleep]load of money.
447
00:18:29,733 --> 00:18:30,900
Yes.
448
00:18:30,901 --> 00:18:34,320
What is the total value of
our 401ks today, right now?
449
00:18:34,321 --> 00:18:36,572
If we were taking it in cash.
450
00:18:36,573 --> 00:18:39,200
The international fund with
everybody from this department
451
00:18:39,201 --> 00:18:43,246
invested was worth
over $12 billion with--
452
00:18:43,247 --> 00:18:46,707
'This is everyone around
the world put into the--'
453
00:18:46,708 --> 00:18:48,167
That's what it was
at the very beginning.
454
00:18:48,168 --> 00:18:51,379
Right now, it's worth
just over $200,000.
455
00:18:51,380 --> 00:18:54,090
- Two hundred thousand.
- It dipped. It dipped.
456
00:18:54,091 --> 00:18:55,383
I don't want to get hung up
on how much you lost
457
00:18:55,384 --> 00:18:57,552
because when I looked
on your website
458
00:18:57,553 --> 00:18:58,886
it clearly said that
459
00:18:58,887 --> 00:19:01,722
you invest with the best
possible decision-making
460
00:19:01,723 --> 00:19:02,682
and sometimes it benefits
461
00:19:02,683 --> 00:19:04,392
and sometimes you can't
predict the future.
462
00:19:04,393 --> 00:19:06,477
That's a great question.
463
00:19:06,478 --> 00:19:07,687
'That's a...
that's a great question.'
464
00:19:07,688 --> 00:19:09,063
That's a great question.
465
00:19:09,064 --> 00:19:11,649
That's a great point
and a great question.
466
00:19:11,650 --> 00:19:15,361
Where did the money
for our 401ks come from?
467
00:19:15,362 --> 00:19:17,071
These are taken
out of your paychecks.
468
00:19:17,072 --> 00:19:19,240
It's all deducted
automatically--
469
00:19:19,241 --> 00:19:20,533
And is put away
for your retirement.
470
00:19:20,534 --> 00:19:21,659
We've been paying into this.
471
00:19:21,660 --> 00:19:23,911
You've been paying into this
without you even knowing it.
472
00:19:23,912 --> 00:19:25,538
That's the beauty of it.
You didn't even feel it.
473
00:19:25,539 --> 00:19:26,497
It's planning for your future
without even thinking about it.
474
00:19:26,498 --> 00:19:28,583
- You didn't even have to think.
- 'Thank you.'
475
00:19:28,584 --> 00:19:29,584
- Thank you.
- Thank you.
476
00:19:29,585 --> 00:19:32,461
Thank you for doing that for us.
477
00:19:32,462 --> 00:19:33,462
Thank you for letting us not
have to
478
00:19:33,463 --> 00:19:36,465
make these hard decisions.
And you know what?
479
00:19:36,466 --> 00:19:40,469
Yeah, we all make mistakes.
We all have problems.
480
00:19:40,470 --> 00:19:42,930
But you know what?
I'm not gonna blame you.
481
00:19:42,931 --> 00:19:44,098
'I'm not gonna blame you.'
482
00:19:44,099 --> 00:19:46,100
What I'm gonna say is
thank you
483
00:19:46,101 --> 00:19:48,936
and I'm gonna
say whatever. I'm cool.
484
00:19:48,937 --> 00:19:50,271
Thank you, Officer Bates.
485
00:19:50,272 --> 00:19:52,481
And we'll say it right
off the bat, we're sorry.
486
00:19:52,482 --> 00:19:53,608
Accepted.
487
00:19:58,363 --> 00:20:00,489
{\an8}There's nothing going on
between me and Rizzo.
488
00:20:00,490 --> 00:20:05,828
{\an8}I don't even know why anyone
would even have a recommendation
489
00:20:05,829 --> 00:20:08,497
to say something so
absurd like that.
490
00:20:08,498 --> 00:20:10,291
Rizzo and I have
nothing going on.
491
00:20:10,292 --> 00:20:14,337
Nothing happened in a trailer
between the two of us.
492
00:20:14,338 --> 00:20:17,381
He didn't ever...
493
00:20:17,382 --> 00:20:19,467
He has never put his
inside of me
494
00:20:19,468 --> 00:20:21,385
that I can recall.
495
00:20:21,386 --> 00:20:23,429
We've never made out.
496
00:20:23,430 --> 00:20:26,807
I never confessed
my love to him
497
00:20:26,808 --> 00:20:32,480
and he has never, ever,
ever [bleep] me from behind.
498
00:20:32,481 --> 00:20:35,525
That's absurd.
499
00:20:39,404 --> 00:20:44,116
It seems specific,
I know you're thinking.
500
00:20:44,117 --> 00:20:45,868
And it is.
501
00:20:45,869 --> 00:20:50,665
I have a very...
502
00:20:50,666 --> 00:20:56,295
photographic brain a lot like
Ansel Adams but in color
503
00:20:56,296 --> 00:21:00,883
and with a lot more insertion
and pubic hair.
504
00:21:00,884 --> 00:21:02,009
So you and Rizzo did it?
505
00:21:02,010 --> 00:21:04,762
We [bleep] in the trailer, yeah.
506
00:21:04,763 --> 00:21:06,847
Oh, hi, Sara. Ha ha!
507
00:21:09,935 --> 00:21:12,019
Glen, Chris, I had to tell 'em.
508
00:21:12,020 --> 00:21:14,063
- Pat 'em down.
- Okay.
509
00:21:14,064 --> 00:21:15,147
- I just don't...
- Okay.
510
00:21:15,148 --> 00:21:17,900
It's very convenient.
Jail is very, very close.
511
00:21:17,901 --> 00:21:18,985
Very, very, very close.
512
00:21:18,986 --> 00:21:21,404
Get 'em out of here.
Take off all their clothes.
513
00:21:21,405 --> 00:21:23,364
- We're tryin' to help you.
- Take off all their clothes.
514
00:21:23,365 --> 00:21:24,699
It's a little prank.
We'll hose 'em off.
515
00:21:24,700 --> 00:21:25,866
We'll strip 'em naked
and we'll leave 'em in sparks.
516
00:21:25,867 --> 00:21:28,077
- We'll leave 'em in sparks.
- We'll leave 'em in sparks.
517
00:21:28,078 --> 00:21:30,079
- Okay. Great.
- Ready? Strip 'em, hose 'em.
518
00:21:30,080 --> 00:21:36,585
♪ Strip 'em and hose 'em
and take 'em to sparks ♪
519
00:21:36,586 --> 00:21:39,464
♪ We'll strip 'em and hose 'em
and take 'em to sparks ♪
38337
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