Original subtitles

Oh, hey. What you got there?

Uh, yeah, uh... noth--

It's little a Blu-ray, Blu-ray disk system.

- Blu-ray disk system, huh? - Yeah, you know.

Yeah, is it worth going to jail for that?

For a $700 DVD player?

Seven hundred dollars? No, man.

They dropped these down to, like, 250, 269 right now.

- No! - Oh, yeah.

This is cheap as hell.

Now, if I watch Blu-rays on my tube...

...is it gonna have letterbox

or is it gonna be full frame like standard?

If you, wha-what you asked for was a 16x9...

- Hey, guys. - ...or 4x3.

- I do not know. - Hello, officer.

- Hi. - Hey.

- What you got there? - Oh, a little Blu-ray player.

- Blu-ray player. - Brand-new Blu-ray player.

Oh, a Blu-ray player.

- Hey, I got a question. - Yeah.

Do those things play on plasmas or just CRTs?

No, no, these play on plasma, CRTs, DLPs...

- He says-- - LCDs.

Any kind of format you have.

How much did you pay for that one right there?

- Oh, this one right here? - Yeah.

Oh, this was free for me. I stole it.

Uh!

- Hey, junior? - Yeah?

You still got that 8-track tape player?

Yeah. I don't think those will work on a Blu-ray, though.

Oh...

- Hey. - Son of a bitch, God damn it!

They all have guns!

Whoa, hoo!

Oww!

Should I push it together?

Stop the motor! Hand your bike.

Ow! Aah!

Ow... ooh.

- You get down. - It's open.

Ah...

- 'Uh, hey, Rizzo?' - Uh, yes, sir.

You're, uh, are you using ...are you using metric

on your evidence bags?

Metric? Am I using metric on my--

Oh, just, sometimes I'm... This isn't me.

This was from internal affairs sending me

a memo that said sometimes a couple of evidence bags

have come through where the amount of whatever

was in it didn't match what it was labeled as.

Yeah, yeah. I'm using metric.

- You're using metric? - Yeah, I was using metric.

Which is the other one, right?

'The other, the other one, yeah.'

Okay, just because they didn't match up.

- Oh, okay. - How many are metric, 4?

Just get them start matching.

Just, if it says, if it says you've got

a bag, a bag of something and, uh--

yeah, yeah. Sure, sure, sure.

'It's not me, it's the people--'

Yeah, yeah, nah, I got it.

'Narcotics, 'cause, men, I honestly don't care.'

That's not a problem. It's not a problem.

Oh, I have the results from lies check yesterday.

What, do you want me to read who does or who doesn't?

Who does. Who does.

The shorter is, who don't.

And it says a lot about black hair... you don't.

- Way to go. - 'Uh, everybody else, uh...'

Bzzz, we're doing mandatories today.

- Mandatory what? - Bzzz, heads and pubes.

- So who's doing the shaving? - It doesn't matter.

I want to know who's doing the shaving--

- It doesn't matter. - It matters.

Why won't you answer the question?

It don't matter, but the results are in

and it's almost everybody, and I'm doing the shaving.

If you're doing the shaving

can we see the official doctor's results and--

I don't have it here, I don't have it here.

I remembered it's on my desk,

it's in a big pile of stuff on my desk.

- 'Oh, man.' - Nobody's, nobody's--

'Little boy who cried lies.'

- I ain't getting shaved. - 'No, neither am I.'

'Cause you said we had to shave our pubes

for chiggers two weeks ago and that ain't true.

Why don't you just turn it into a witch hunt?

What did you just...

- Wait, what did you just say? - 'How dare you?'

- What did you just say? - Chiggers.

- Chiggers. - Chiggers.

Chiggers. Chigger, please.

Hey! Hey, chickadee, come here.

- Wow! - Ho! How are you?

- Frank, right? - That's right.

I think we had a good practice.

- I'm sorry you missed it. - Oh, I am, too.

You know I'm usually there, you know.

- Yeah. - I'll tell you...

Did, uh, Frankie Jr. and Isabella also practice?

Oh, the Rizzo kids? They're doing good.

They're having, they're a real good time.

They're goin' good? The drills are going well?

They're going through the cones okay?

Nah, they don't do the cones so great.

- Aha! - You know.

There are several skill sets that we really need to work on

with, uh, Frank Jr. And Izzy.

It's funny, Tony, you bring this up.

This is, this is why I'm here.

You know, game time.

Let's talk about game time for a little bit.

- Sure, okay. - Well, I tell you.

You know, the kids, uh, are not playing as much

game time, not playing the game as much as I'd like to see them.

And, and you know, they're not coming home very happy.

Listen, uh, they get out there once per game, okay?

That's the guarantee we make every parent.

Peterson kid, the Peterson kid's out

there more than once a game, he's out there the whole game--

Don't throw the Peterson kid out there as an example--

I'm pulling the Peterson card.

You know very well that Tim Peterson is terminal.

- Because the child is dying-- - Right.

We are allowing the child to play

a little bit more soccer than we normally would--

- Fine. - Given his skill level.

Let, look. Let the dying kid play soccer.

- Yes, good. - I get it.

- I'm with you on that. - Alright, good.

Frank is making a lot of progress down there.

He's not one of our strongest players.

That's just a fact.

I don't, I know I'm misunderstanding

because I-I thought you were calling my kid a sissy.

I don't think that's what you were doing.

- I never said that word. - He's not a sissy.

He's just a fearful, frightened, violent boy.

'Yay, yay, yay!'

Okay, we're back in Chupacabra

cuckoo-rico, cuckoo-rico.

- Aha? Ahahaha-- - Si...

Ow, mira a usted--

A bear, I see um bear, Declan, you are a bear.

It mounts on top of this little puny ma

para, to make sex with him.

- Hey! - 'Hey!'

There are no temples hanging from ceilings

for you to come to want to eat them like food

hanging from a tree.

You are a bear.

Don't you hit me with that phone.

- 'No, no, no.' - This is my house.

Yipe! Aah!

- 'Calling police!' - And let's go to the music.

Okay, we're on back to back.

- Oh? - Chupa!

Calm yourself. You alright?

That was great. That was great radio.

- You're welcome. - Thank you so much.

"Star Wars trumpet." look it up.

Her name is, uh, Kristen...

Kristen... Stacey Hedger.

- And she plays it with her-- - Stacey Hedger.

- Vagina? - No, no, no, no, no.

She plays it with her mouth.

No, it's still amazing.

What's she doing with her vagina?

- Nothing. - Nothing?

She plays trumpet. It's on Youtube?

Yeah. Mayor Hernandez. Why would he be calling me?

Hola, buenos dias.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Slow down.

Mayor Hernandez, I don't understand you.

Wait... Sierra arms.

Sierra arms, Motor Lodge. We're on our way.

- Yeah. - We are on our way right now.

Getting rid of a hooker?

Yup. Guess what.

Quick stop at the hardware store?

Same [bleep], different day.

Oh, you know what?

I think we still have bleach in the trunk.

- Do we--? Do we have the... - I do.

- Nope... hardware store. - Hardware store.

Yeah, Mayor Hernandez.

Mayor Hernandez.

- Oh, my heroes... - We're here, we're here.

- Calm down, calm down. - It's okay. It's okay.

We know the drill. We've done it before.

We'll do it again... hey.

We get her in the tub. We get this down.

Boom, boom, boom. Zip, zip, zip.

Bleach, bleach, bleach. Trunk, trunk, trunk, out.

No, no.

The hooker's not dead, man.

- She's not dead? - Not gettin' rid of a hooker?

I married her, man. I [bleep] married her.

- Oh... no. - No, no, no.

- You're already married? - No, no, no.

- I'm [bleep] already married. - Bunny will freak out.

I'm already married, man.

She's gonna kill me, man, I'm--

- Oh, my! - Oh, my God!

- Are you crazy? - I love you.

- No! - Ah, Travis, she's crazy!

You never loved me!

- You never loved me! - No.

No, no.

No, no, no.

I'm [bleep] crazy...

- Ma'am, ma'am... - Yeah.

Yeah, you want that, huh?

You want that, huh!

Agh! No!

- I love him. - I'm sure you do.

- I love him. - Oh no, I'm sure you do.

Be nice to her. Be nice to her.

Do you remember last night?

- I-I don't-- - Do you remember it?

- I don't. - Yes, you do.

Yes, you do. I taped it all.

I taped it all. I taped it all.

Ow! She's biting me!

- 'Here we go.' - 'Aah!'

In, in, in, in.

I need a favor, Jones.

I'm gonna go talk to the soccer coach, okay?

This is all I need you to do.

Just hold this bat for me.

For what, what am I-- Why am I holding--?

Don't worry about for what, just because

you're a big black guy and you're scary.

I can say that because I'm not racist.

Hey! Hey, Chickadee.

Oh, hi, Frank. How are you, man?

- I'm good. How are you? - Good to see you.

Oh, you just pop up at the strangest times.

Oh, you know, I like to be involved

- Ah-- - ...in my kids' life.

- Coach Brad, how are you? - Jonesy.

- Hey, how are you? - How you doing?

- I'm good. - Great to see you, dude.

- Likewise, likewise. - Yeah, yeah.

Listen, listen, listen, listen.

Frankie came back after you played the Panda Bears...

Yeah, great game. Real great game.

Yeah, well, you guys won, and that's the most important thing.

- Yeah, we did. - Well.

they were undefeated going in.

It was beautiful. It was beautiful.

That Peterson kid, you need to--

Listen to me. Listen to me.

- Wasn't he amazing? - Oh, it was incredible.

- Man, I cried. - Yeah?

- Yeah? - You know, a lot of people--

These are great, these are regulation balls.

What are you doing? What--

- This is-- - This, I-I--

- Now listen to me! - I apologize.

You're gonna tell your team...

...your team to foul the other team

and trip them so my son

can score a goal!

And if you don't get that other team to cheat

something else very bad is gonna happen

besides parking tickets!

I understand what you're saying to me.

You're being very, very clear.

You're making threats.

I believe you will follow through on them.

I have no doubt that you will, umm-hmm.

But I'm gonna tell you this and make it very clear.

Yeah?

- Frank Jr.-- - Umm-hmm.

Is a very bad soccer player even for his age.

you! Come on. Let's go. [bleep] you.

It would be a betrayal

of my responsibilities as coach...

'Yeah, your responsibilities.'

...for me to put in a weak player.

This is Cindy. She's, um...

She works here at the Reno Sheriff's Department now.

We sort of rescued her. She was a sex slave.

I'd... am I saying that right?

- Yeah, yeah, yeah. - Yeah.

She used to have sex.

You know, I so appreciate work for you.

Oh, we're so glad to have you.

And I'm so surprised they let a 16-year-old boy

work as a policeman

'but I know that one day'

you're going to be very strong and--

She says that because I have a little bit of a mustache

just a slight mustache.

- Oh, she a girl? - That's a girl.

Uh... yeah, I mean

a beautiful, beautiful lady boy.

No, it's a-- You know what? It's a miss--

A lot of people make that mistake.

I have a very, uh, large pubic mound.

Everybody calm down.

Calm down, everybody!

Everybody's cool?

What's your name, baby?

Hey.

- Gloria. - Auria?

- Aurea. A beautiful-- - Gloria!

God, you gettin' again--

- Aah! - Aah!

She's going for the gun! She's going for the gun!

- No, no! - She's going--

We're not gonna shoot at anybody today.

- 'Gloria? Gloria?' - Gloria?

- 'What?' - Do we shoot people we love?

- Sometimes. - 'Sometimes?'

- Sometimes. - Yeah.

Say no more! Aah!

Oh! Oh!

Oh, my God!

- Demonic, demonic-- - Get her!

- Get, her, get her! - Demonic, demonic...

Listen, you got to go.

I know, I don't want to go anywhere.

- You got to go, alright. - I don't want to go.

I'm gonna kill you if you don't go.

You kill me, papi.

- I want to die in your arms. - Alright?

You want to die in my arms? You might.

- In your arms, like that. - Get her. Get her.

- Go to sleep now. - Go to sleep...

- Got to-- - Aah!

- Get her! Get her! - Aah! Aah!

- Help! - In, in.

- There we go, there we go. - Aah! No!

- Get her out! - In we go.

- No! - Here we go. Here we go.

Here we go.

'It's an exciting day here'

at the Reno Sheriff's department.

The new Japanese gun belts are here!

Yay! Fresh off the boat, ho.

Ho-ho-hoo...

"State-of-the-art Nadgata belt."

It's 12 ounces, you got a Taser...

...two clips, nerve gas

GPS, ultraviolet light'

'for forensic blood testing in the field'

'aluminum handcuffs.'

Sank you a-velly much.

Alright, what do you say? Let's strap it on.

Whoo hoo! Going for a ride.

- Oh... - Sure is a little--

- Yeah. - Ugh...

Dear God!

- Maximum waist size, 26 inches. - Twenty six.

Huh? Huh huh, bam.

It's cute, huh?

Get me into this thing.

Wait, no. You're gonna hurt yourself.

It's not, it's not... no.

- Hey, hey! - Hey, hey, hey!

'I just cracked a rib.'

- 'I'm dying.' - 'You're not dying.'

'If I pull you out of these wet towels...'

- Okay. - ...will you stop biting?

- 'Yes.' - And be a lady?

- 'I'm a lady.' - Are you gonna act like a lady?

- Yes, well? - How would you like...

$35 to walk out of here right now?

'That's a lot. That's a lot!'

- $35. - From where you come from.

- Don't talk to me like that. - Is the tub full?

- $35? - $35.

- Take it. - 'We get you a bus ticket.'

We send you someplace beautiful where you become

the Doppler radar girl

or we douse you in bleach, cover you with towels

'and get you out of here and set you on fire.'

- Take the first one, okay? - I'll [bleep] kill you!

Right here. Here it is, here it is.

- 'Sheriff's department!' - Sheriff's department.

- What happened? - How are you?

'We came as fast as we could.'

- Good, nice to see you. - Wiegel, right?

- Yeah, yeah. - Yeah.

- Rizzo, how are you? - Hey, how are you?

Nice to see you guys. Come on in.

What's the emergency?

There was a... robbery.

Let me get you something to drink, though.

Wait, wait, wait, they don't.

We don't need anything to drink.

- Forget the drink, okay. - Okay.

- Um... - There was a robbery.

- Did they just recently--? - Yeah,

breaking and entering, y'all write

this down, there was a breaking

and entering of 10-40

whatever you call those.

- Yeah. - Uh... and a forceful entry.

And, uh, I think I might have been accosted or something, so.

You think you might have been accosted, okay.

- On the other hand... - Yeah?

- Yeah. - ...today is my birthday.

♪ Happy birthday ♪

- No. - Yeah? I turn 40, October 13.

I-I-I just wanted a little company

and maybe it was a raccoon, or it could have been--

Hold on. Glen, excuse me.

It's October 17.

That's, that's the date. October 17 is the date.

- You missed your birthday. - This is--

It was a couple of days ago.

Your cocoa bear

cake is all for naught.

- 'Happy birthday, ol' buddy.' - No, no. No, no.

- No, you know what? - I'm already 40.

It's close enough. It's close enough.

You know what I did for my birthday?

I got stung by a bee and passed out in my cabin.

- That's where the day went. - Go away!

It's my favorite kind of thing.

It is October 13.

Today actually is his birthday.

- 'It is his birthday.' - He-he-he...

That was a good one, Trudy. You're good.

Oh, lonely mother[bleep].

I just like that there's someone out there

'that's more lonely than me.'

Mm-hmm.

This is gonna have to stop.

Can I tell you something? I'm beginning to feel harassed.

Uh-oh. Snuggle-puss is upset.

- I'm not harassing you. - Okay.

I'm not harassing you, I'm making sure

that you're getting home safely

to 116 Elm Street.

116 elm street?

Oh, I lived there when I first got married.

It was 6 years ago.

You're not at 116 Elm Street anymore?

Well, wherever you're going, wherever that might be

I wanted to make sure that you got there safe

and that's, that's no--

- Really? - You had no problems?

- I've had no problems. - These streets are dangerous.

- I don't find that. - Yeah.

How did the, uh, how did the practice go?

We had a very good practice today.

- You did? - Yeah.

- We sure did. - That's terrific.

A lot of the kids are really coming a long way.

- Yeah? - Not Frankie and Izzy.

- I have to say, no... - No? That's a shame.

Hey, listen, you got to watch that, uh... taillight.

- That taillight's out, though. - Oh, is it?

- Yeah, it is. - Okay.

Hey, hey!

'You just broke the taillight!'

No, I didn't.

Whatever's in here, sure we should gotta get rid of.

- Oh, oh, oh... - "Wedding-slash-sex".

- Oh, my God. - Umm...

Uh, we're watching your sex tape.

'What, what?'

- Mr. Mayor. - That's me.

- Oh-- - Put it up.

Can you make the screen bigger?

I can't make the screen any bigger.

This is the size of the screen.

You can see my leg in that one part, remember that?

Well, you're pulling up. You're pulling up to--

What, I'm pulling out? Am I pulling out?

You're pulling up to the drive-through right now.

I know that guy, Sergio!

'Is this like a minister?'

'That's where I got married,' 'that's when--'

Here comes the preacher Here comes the preacher.

It was so romantic.

Those drive-through chapels just make it too easy.

They make it too easy. No blood test, nothing.

You just go right in.

Give me the beef and cheddar, mother[bleep]!

'Okay, this is not a chapel.'

- 'This is, uh, Arby's.' - What, what?

- Yeah, that's Arby's drinks-- - What the--?

Arby's bags, beef and cheddars.

Uh, do you want hash browns?

- I do! I do! - I do!

- 'Yeah.' - We're not married?

- No, you're not married. - No.

You said "I do" to hash browns.

- Yeah. - We're gonna clean up y'all.

Clean you off, get you in the shower

and we will get you back to Bunny.

Nobody is any the wiser.

- Ha-ha-ha. - Okay.

We ought to clean this place up.

You're Latina. Clean it up.

- Sheriff's department! - Sheriff's department!

- Sheriff's department! - Everybody freeze!

'Come on in. Everything's fine.'

Everything's fine, everything's fine, everything's fine.

We got a domestic disturbance call.

- Everything is fine. - 'What's going on?'

Everything is fine, I wanted to get you guys here

and that was the best way to do it.

Surprise, I'm giving you

a surprise sundae party.

Wait, what?

To show my appreciation

for all the hard work you do.

Oh no, we... we got a domestic disturbance call.

I know, and under, like, ten minutes ago

you guys got here, goodness gracious.

- It was actually 6.5 minutes-- - Well, there you go.

Because we thought maybe someone was being killed.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no.

It was, uh, it was not that at all.

He-he, she did a great job, right?

- Who is she? - She... she's my wife.

She, she made the call.

She's involved with amateur theatrics

and I'll bet she did a bang-up job.

- Where is she? - She's uh... she's uh...

She didn't noticed that we were out of cherries

and she got in the car and went to go get

some cherries to bring it back

to make it perfect for you.

- Who likes ice cream? - I do.

- Ah! - Oh, I like ice cream.

Well, there we go! Let's have a little...

'We don't get appreciated very often.'

- Hey. - Yes.

You and your wife stop playing on the damn phone.

We will, I promise, after this night only.

I wish you had cherries.

- Oh, I know, but-- - I'm gonna check in here.

Maybe you do... you do have cherries--

Give me some. I want--

Damn.

Hah! Grrr...

Was, was the whipped cream supposed to blind us?

Yup.

There are no words.

Anytime. Anytime. Anytime, sir.

You never have to thank us.

- Best Mayor we ever had. - Okay.

Thank you so much.

- God bless you. - Unbelievable.

And if you ever need a zzz version, you know...

- We're in. - We can do that.

Hey, do you guys want to... you know.

No, we're good. We, we have--

Oh, now, we're, we're fine, we're fine.

Believe me, if Bunny would have found out

she would have killed me.

- Secret's safe. - Baby?

- Mmm. - He-he...

Let me get cleaned up.

We'll start all over again.

Okay, baby. I love you.

- Ready to make love? - Yes, yes! He-he.

Let me go wash myself up in the sink.

Ugh, okay. Hurry.

Best mayor we ever had.

- By a long shot. - Yeah.

That polish guy was insane.

Oh, no, criminal.

'Uh, that about wraps it up'

except we did get a missing persons report.

'Umm... that youth soccer coach'

Uh... Brad Petrie has gone missing.

- Ummm. - Ohh!

'So, if anybody knows, uh, the whereabouts'

his family's very upset, uh

and called asking a bunch of times, Frank

they asked us... Frank, you don't know

anything about that, do you?

I don't, he might have just wanted

to just get away for a little bit.

- 'Sure.' - You know.

I'm sure his wife is worried sick.

I feel bad for the kids. They don't have a coach.

Yeah, hell of a good coach. Hell of a good coach.

- 'Uh, that's a good coach.' - 'Terrific coach.'

'I wonder if they'll get another coach...'

- 'He'll turn up.' - That lets everyone play.

Oh, no. Someone's in here.

First off, that's for all those parking tickets, boom.

- They're gone. - Okay, that's great.

That's great, and the other thing

see... settled.

Okay, because I thought he was 12.

Gonna let her play with the silent stuff.

I'm pretty sure we can still fix that.

- Okay, great. - Okay.

Hey, is she really your sister?

Yeah, she's my sister, but sometimes

we still quah, quah, quah--

- Okay... I'll see you. - I'll se ya.

- Thanks, thanks, Chupacabra. - Thank you!

The cocaine deal will happen on McCarran Park

this Thursday at 3 o'clock.

Come on down. Bring your cocaine.

I will bring the money, and we will make the transfer.