Original subtitles

So the district attorney's office has asked

that we please stop referring to them

as nuts and butts checks.

- Why? - What do we call it?

They-they thought that it implies that we're having--

♪ Oh! This got O.J.'s belt ♪

♪ This got O.J.'s belt ♪

- Ha ha ha! Yeah. - O.J. Simpson?

O.J. Simpson's belt.

- 'How did you get that?' - Really?

My boy, Rick. He works in booking down in Vegas.

When O.J. Got busted, he swiped his belt.

- How much he charge you for-- - $800.

- That's a good deal. - That's a good deal.

- That's an investment. - That's an investment.

- That's a piece of history. - 'It is.'

That could be in the Smithsonian.

Oh, ho, hoo-o-o!

♪ O.J.'s belt ♪

♪ Mother I got O.J.'s belt ♪

♪ Sucker sucker I got O.J.'s belt ♪

♪ Sucker sucker ♪

'Rick in Clark County?'

'Vegas? Sold it to you? 800 bucks?'

Thousand. Good deal, right?

Pretty good deal.

Son of a bitch. Goddamn it!

Come on.

They all have guns!

Woohoo!

Ow!

Push them together?

Get off the bike! Off your bike.

Oh! God!

Aah!

People, as you know

His Holiness, Pope Benedict... something-something

is embarking on a tour of North America.

He is going to New York

he is going to Chicago

he's going to Los Angeles

and a city yet to be determined.

He is sending an advance team to Reno, Nevada

to determine whether or not

we should be the fourth host city.

I don't think I have to impress upon you

what this would mean to our little Hamlet.

It would be a cluster of biblical proportions.

We got to put up concrete barriers

we need port-a-potties, we got protesters

we got Mexicans who love the Pope

we got Mexicans who hate the Pope.

You didn't say this guy was a Mexican.

He's not a Mexican. He's got a lot of--

He's got a big Mexican fan base.

a turd that looks kind of like the Pope

Mexicans flock to it. Mexicans--

Take a nine-hour bus ride.

Oh, that turd looks kind of like the Pope.

Scare the [bleep] out of these people.

I don't think I'm asking that much of you

to show these people that this place

is the nut sac of the Sierras

and not a place that he should come.

Let us not ask later

was there something we could have done

to make the Pope not come that we didn't do.

Hi. How are you?

Really, really super to have you.

I'm Lt. Jim Dangle.

I'm Camerlengo Federico to His Holiness, the Pope.

Oh, wonderful. Okay. Super. Great.

Unh.

- Unh. Uh-uh. - That's how we do that here.

This is, uh, Trudy Wiegel, uh...

It's very nice to meet you. Thank you.

A pleasure, to mee--

Okay. Trudy, uh, I don't know if you can tell right now.

Trudy's wearing an adult diaper.

You understand what that is?

Uh, this is Deputy Travis Junior.

Uh, he likes them real young.

Crazy about that new Nazi Pope.

Bat[bleep] for him.

Uh, this is Francis Rizzo.

I used to dress up as the Pope when I was a kid.

I had the whole pope thing, I had the hat.

Shut your mouth.

Uh, and this is Raineesha Williams

who is a Muslim.

Back up off me. Don't say nothing about what I believe

'cause I ain't gonna say nothing about what you believe

'cause if you say something about

what I believe it's gonna straight be a--

- Okay, please. - Oh, snap!

Lou, permission to stroke off my [bleep].

Never have to ask me, you never have to ask

'cause this is Reno, Nevada.

I really think you're gonna like it here.

- 'Sheriff's Department.' - 'Sheriff's Department.'

- Sheriff's Department. - Damn.

This place gives me the creeps.

Officers, officers, thank God you're here.

Look. One of our most dangerous patients has escaped.

He's not in his room anymore

and we need to set up a perimeter.

- I don't know what to do. - Okay. Okay.

We need a description right away.

He responds to the name Daniel

he responds to several different names.

He's kind of balding-- But we set up a perimeter.

I don't know what-what it is you guys need to do.

Police officers, Thank goodness, you guys are here.

You guys have him. Thank goodness.

This is one of our most dangerous patients.

Phew. This is a lot of weight off my shoulders.

This is-this is Daniel. This is Daniel.

- This is Daniel. - This is Daniel?

How dare you? This is the patient.

I am-I am a doctor. I am a doctor.

Oh, are you a doctor, or is he a--

- I-I am a doctor. - You are the doctor.

Daniel has a latent dissociative disorder.

I went to medical school at John Hodgkin's.

John Hodgkin's. Where'd you go?

I went to John-Johns Hopkins

which is a real medical school.

John Hodgkin's is not a real medical--

Which one is it- which one is a disease

and which one is a school?

No. Hodgkin's- Hodgkin's is a disease.

- Hodgkin's lymphoma. - Okay. Okay. Alright.

Okay. Which one of you

took a in the rumpus room?

I did it.

We are seriously understaffed around here.

- Okay. - Come on.

This place gives me the [bleep] creeps.

- Bigger bummer. The big one... - Yep.

Uh... did my last, uh, proctology exam.

I don't know if it's something in the water

but kids in Washoe County are getting dumber and dumber.

What the hell you think you're doing, boy?

"Teen Wolfing," brah.

Son, you absolutely should not be doing this

without filming it for YouTube.

Otherwise, how you're gonna impress chicks?

- Good idea! - Yeah. Say, "hello, YouTube!"

Hello, YouTube!

T-Tremens Gators! You kidding me?

You kidding me?

Alright. Kids, you should never, ever, ever do this at home.

I'm a trained professional.

- Yoo-o! - Yeah!

- 'Whoo!' - Yeah!

- 'Highsmith!' - I'm "Teen Wolfing" with a cop.

- You look so cool, man. - 'Reno Sheriff's Dep--'

'Oh, [bleep] [bleep].'

Cowabunga, bro.

Raineesha and I have the honor today

of bringing the Pope's team to meet the Mayor of Reno.

Yes. I'm very excited to meet the Mayor.

'I think you're gonna enjoy it, your impotence.'

Mr. Mayor, this is the gentleman I told you about.

Hey! H-h-hey, buddy!

- Hello. - Mayor of Reno!

- It's a pleasure to meet you. - How are you?

You look fantastic, Mayor Mike.

Thanks a lot, thanks a lot.

I feel like a million dollars.

- This crown is significan-- - Mayor crown. Mayor crown.

The Pope wears a hat. I have a crown.

Funny how it worked out.

I would like to see your Pope, your "Pope."

Heh-heh. Come and turn a slurpee into wine.

He does not possess--

Could he turn root beer into beer?

We almost lose him, like, ten times a day.

- 'It's a possession! Arr!' - 'It's not a possession.'

It's not-- There's no-- You're joking.

Look. Oh, my God! Barghh!

Oh, look at it go. Rarrgh! rarrgh!

- It's taking a left turn-- - Please put-put that away.

Please, please put that awa-- Do you pray?

Yeah.

- Are you a religious man? - Yeah.

I pray I don't get any smellier. Ha ha ha!

it! Suck it! Shove it! Do it!

'That's what we say in Reno--'

it! Suck it! Shove it! Do it!

Now these-- You know what these are called?

- Mexicans. - Oh. Sí.

Yeah. Sometimes, they get caught under your wheels.

Okay. Get down. This is where you get shot at.

Every time you go through here, you get shot.

- No! - Get down. Get down!

So, uh, this is Carmen.

She calls a couple a times a week.

- Hi, Carmen. - Hi, butter.

What you doing there?

I'm building a wall to keep terrorists

out of my venue, look.

Did you have a problem with terrorists?

Well... yes.

They were gonna try to get in their truck

and I was like, "Huh? Those guys look evil."

And so I was like, "hey."

I was trying to-- I'm acting like, a decoy.

And so I was like, "Hey, if you guys want to come

and hang out in my place."

- That's hard to resist. - Yeah.

So they-so they come in.

Of course because I've been brewing my own soda lately

and, like-so, I was like, "Hey

you can have some of my soda," you know.

And then-and then, this is kind of what sealed--

Sounds like this is what- where the big thing happened.

- The climax. - The climax.

The climax is they were like

"do you have any hand sanitizer?"

And that was a threat?

Do they allow hand sanitizer on planes?

Not anymore. No.

Up to four ounces, they sure do.

You know what, ultimately, they were like

"can we have some hand sanitizer?"

And I was like, "Hold on. I'll be right back."

And I did it kind of slow motion like that

and then I gave you guys a call.

And then when I came out, they were gone.

Can I tell you something?

You did a good job here today

because you didn't let them walk away with the sanitizer.

I think we're gonna be okay here.

Maybe next time you guys come

I could get, like, a certificate or something.

We could probably pull that off.

- Maybe. Sure. - Maybe like, a key to the town.

'No, not that, but we'll get you a certificate.'

We'll get you a piece of paper.

- We'll start small, yeah. - Okay.

'Date of birth, tough guy.'

07...19...80.

Yeah. Keep trying, big boy.

You ain't gonna get out of them.

Do it. Try it.

No-no pair of handcuffs

in the world that can hold me.

I'll bet you ten bucks he'll make it out of those things.

'I've got ten. I-I'll cover you for five.'

- I say no. - Aah!

I'll take that action.

- 'Come on, cuffs!' - 'Let's go! You can do it!'

- 'You can do it!' - 'Come on, cuffs.'

- 'Go, go, go, go, go, go!' - 'Go, go, go, go, go, go!'

- 'Ohh!' - 'Oh!'

Come on, handcuffs.

- Come on, handcuffs. - Oh!

You can do it. Come on, boy. Come on, handcuffs.

Go, go, go, go, go, go! Yeah!

You did it!

- Made in [bleep] America. - Yep.

Oh, my God.

Is that a person?

Yeah.

Ma'am?

'Ma'am? Ma'am?'

- 'Hello-hello, miss.' - You had a bad--

Something happened? Something happened.

Okay. Just from the very beginning.

- Okay. Okay. Okay. - Alright. Okay.

We'll wait it out. We'll just get it out.

We'll get it all out. We're so upset.

We're upset, but we're getting over it

and we're gonna get to the part--

Okay. Did you fall off of a motorcycle?

Did you fall off of a motorcycle?

Okay. He's coming back. Sweetie.

Sweetie, he's coming back.

Oh, o-okay, okay, okay, okay, okay.

Alright. Yeah. There. Good. Good. Just go to sleep.

Hey, hey. We should get her off to the side.

Let's get her off to the side.

We're just gonna put you here... right there.

And he'll be right back for you.

- Go, quickly. Quickly now. - Come on, Jim. Hurry.

If you wanted a car wash, there was a brushless car wash

for 5.99 right back on this street.

This is a undercover sting.

You see, they got these car washes in town

that if you know the right code word

you get a [bleep] job, and so we're gonna

try to make a good bust here.

'Speaking of good busts.'

So alright. What are we looking for?

Well, one thing, we'll start with the basic car wash.

And we understand that you guys are doing

something a little extra-super-deluxe maybe.

We have a ton of extra things

we can do to your car, you know what I'm saying?

Like, we can buff up that leather for you

bring it up real, you know, like, just really work it in.

'We got a great treatment for that.'

- 'Yeah, I'll do that.' - And also--

Oh, my God, you might want to think about

our hot wax treatment.

I don't know if you're into that--

Who ain't? Who ain't?

So now if I wanted to maybe, uh

have you take a look at my undercarriage.

Mm. You got a dirty undercarriage.

- I got a filthy undercarriage. - Really filthy?

We can get in there for you in those nooks and crannies

and just clean it out for you real good.

We'll take the whole package.

We'll take the whole package,

if you know what I'm talking about.

'My undercarriage is fine.'

- 'My undercarriage is clean.' - 'Okay.'

There's a 17% [bleep] job tax in Washoe County, so--

- 'They tax the [bleep] job?' - 'They tax the [bleep] job.'

'So guys don't want to go there'

''cause they don't want Uncle Sam getting'

'a piece of the [bleep] job, you know?'

Alright. Well, we're just about done here.

Um, we got the bill for you.

So it's gonna be 187, okay?

Gratuity's not included.

And that's all I'm getting is a car wash?

W-well, you're getting the wax

and the leather and the tailpipe.

And the tailpipe got cleaned.

Alright. Have a nice day, you guys.

Yo! Can I get a [bleep] job or what?

You got it, baby, but you got to wear a rubber.

- Let me ask you something. - Yes?

Do you have sex?

I have taken a Vow of Celibacy, so--

So if I offered to [bleep] off your penis right now

you would say what, "no, thank you?"

I would have to say, "no, thank you, please.

Please do not- please do not [bleep] off"--

off? Please--

Don't-please don't give me those eyes.

I've taken down stronger men than you with these eyes.

I'd like to ask you a religious question

because this comes up around our house a lot.

- Yes. - Uh--

Is it a sin to [bleep] a monkey?

'Cause-'cause they're, like, one chromosome away

and they're, like, you look in their eyes

and they're almost human.

A monkey is an animal.

Uh, human was created by God--

S-short answer, sin to [bleep] a monkey?

Yes. Do not have sex with any animal.

Even a monkey?

A monkey is an animal.

We-we-we do not have sex with a-a monkey

a dog, uh, a-an elephant.

- You do not. - I don't have a pen.

This has been a public service announcement.

Had this been an actual emergency

you would have been notified after the tone

about emergency--

Stop! Parate.

That was horrible. That was horr-i-ble.

Do it again but less gay.

- Less gay? - Yo soy a mariposa. I'm gay.

I like to be with men.

A-deepy, doopy, doopy, doopy, may.

This has been a test of the emergency broadcast--

Oh, wait. Did we bring James Earl Jones in to do this?

No, we didn't. We brought a puto cabron named Junior.

Mira como ella does it. Look how she does it.

Haga lo bien sexy.

- Sexier, sexier? - Sexier.

When you think about something exciting

what makes you excited downstairs?

- Whoo! - Law enforcement.

Okay. He's definitely gay.

Hey, we're here at John McKay High School

just doing routine metal detector check

to see if any of the students have weapons and so far

you get an "A," America.

I get so sick and tired of the media

exaggerating things and trying

to have us live in a culture of fear.

Because you know what, the kids aren't that bad.

They really aren't. They really--

It's just that the media goes crazy because you know what

it's not the news, it's the bad news.

Yes.

- Bingo! Good kid. - Good guy.

You know what that was?

That was 12 good kids just walked through these gates.

Mm-hmm. The cities and schools of Reno... safe.

- What's up? - Metal detector's unplugged.

'Goddamn metal detector's unplugged.'

- Hey! - Whoa!

Hey, girl. Get back here.

Hey. Okay. That's-- okay.

'We've a shooter in the library of John McKay High School.'

'All units, all units, shots fired in the cafeteria--'

I think we're on it.

- I'm gonna take the library. - Okay.

Oh. Declan, I-I'll beep if I go--

Oh. I think I'll just--

Sweet Jesus, we're under siege!

Get down! The library's full of guns!

So Trudy's late husband, as we all remember

was the Truckee River killer.

And he was executed by lethal injection

by the State of Nevada.

Um, but he did make a whole bunch of videotapes

uh, in prison before they juiced him up.

Um, and we're just going through them to make sure

there aren't any clues to maybe where

there's other bodies or anything like that.

Hey, unborn son. It's your dad, Craig again.

I thought you'd probably need to have a talk

about the birds and the bees and it's a tough talk.

So let's just make this painless as possible.

What you want to do is take these things

and put it on this thing before you do anything, okay?

And to do this...

You just put it-- Hold on a second.

You just--

Okay. That's not how you do that.

No. He never wore condoms.

He said that he always felt like he wanted to feel

skin on skin or teeth on skin.

Sure.

I hope this was instructional

and you learned something.

So good luck and be safe.

Sorry, T-Bone.

No. I said I was sorry.

I said-- I just--

Could he perform the love act on you

other than that one time that made the baby?

He used to want me to crawl underneath the bed

and keep calling out, "please don't come and get me.

Please don't come and get me,"

while he would pleasure himself up on top of the bed.

So he would- you all would reenact

a crime investigation role-play.

Why do you have to make it sick and dark like that?

No. It's just a young lady hiding under the bed

screaming, "don't come get me,"

with an adult serial killer

off his manhood on the bed.

- Thank you. - That's not that weird.

Well, uh, wonderfulness

uh, we hope that you have enjoyed everything

uh, that our little city has to offer you

and I think I speak for all of us

and the community in general

when I say... you [bleep]...

you [bleep].

Most places that we visit

show us only their beauty

take us only to the neighborhoods of the rich.

You opened up and showed us your honesty

a place so yearning, so much in need

of some godliness.

You showed me a place that is in desperate need

for some holiness.

So... the Pope is coming?

The Pope would come here? Ha ha ha!

That-they think maybe the Pope would come here?

Ha ha ha!

Sorry. No.

That is a ridiculous notion

that the Pope would come here.

you for thinking that.

Nice! Haha! Nice.

Uh. Hey. Let's all fla-let's flash the chopper as it goes.

- 'Front flash?' - 'Oh. With badge?'

Good thing I got sunblock on my [bleep] already.

Suck it!

- Suck it! - Screw you!

You have sunblock on your [bleep]?

Oh, yeah.

You never know.

It's different...

Ha ha! That's my Prince Albert.

- You see that? It's shining. - What?

Wait. People are [bleep] off? I thought we were just--

- Hey. Timeout. Timeout. - What? Oh.

Timeout. I did not-- No, no.

I thought that was what we were doing.

No! I said, "let's flash them."

I didn't-I never. Oh, come on.

- Who finished? - Whoa.

Gee. How fa-- We were doing that for 30 seconds.

God. I don't even want to go to Fuddruckers.

We are not going to Fuddruckers.

You're never said-- That's rid-- Come on.

Come on.