Original subtitles

The Reno sheriff's department is reducing

our carbon footprint and not relying on Arab oil

anymore with the first ever electric squad car.

- Made in America. - How about it?

- Made in the USA. USA! USA! - Detroit city, baby.

Oh, [bleep]! it.

Jesus Christ! Oh, [bleep]!

'You alright? He's arcing. He's arcing.'

'Don't touch him. He's arcing.'

I think my fillings melted.

Should've got Japanese. Should've gone Japanese.

Son of a bitch. Goddamn it!

They all have guns!

Whoo-hoo!

Ow!

Push them together?

Sheriff's department! Off your bike.

Oh! God!

- Come on. Come on, let's go. - Check this out.

Raineesha, did you put this in my locker?

I got one, too.

What is it?

'"You, the proud bearer of this letter'

'"have been invited by James Ron Dangle to join him'

'"at the Sierra Historical Society for dinner'

'and a murder."'

There will be intrigue, suspense and lots of pigs in blankets.

Pigs in a blanket. We get it.

What are you doing? Why are you in here?

I was just reading everything that's on the invitation

that I just gave each of you.

- We can read. - I know, but it's a funny font.

Okay, so this Friday, 8:00 pm

murder mystery dinner, Sierra Historical Society

I've rented it out

um, should be lots of fun

and I have very, very good roles for both of you.

Oh, wait, this isn't one of those

I show up and I actually get murdered or anything.

Not a snuff. Not a snuff. Not a snuff at all.

Hey, Cindy, did you get yours?

- Sure did, lieutenant, honey. - 'Okay.'

'What if we can't make it?'

Mm, you have to make it.

Hey, Trudy, D-d-don't eat this. Let's not eat this, please.

Okay, this is not like Willy Wonka. It's not chocolate.

No, this is not candy. This is just regular paper.

- Son of a bitch. - Here we are.

- Oh, man. - Oh, man.

- Sheriff's department! - Oh, man.

Whatever happened here, we missed it.

Reno, 11 Charlie 12, This is Jones and Junior

at Reno's diamond exchange on 14th and Virginia.

We're gonna need backup right away.

Gentlemen, no need to be alarmed.

I've already apprehended this scumbag.

'From now on, you are not alone'

in your fight to clean up Reno.

You have an ally who'll be on every roof

every back alley, every street.

Whenever you guys need me, you just call

and I will be there.

What do we call you?

Call me... Nighthawk.

Thanks, Nighthawk.

Got a feeling things are gonna be

a whole lot better around here, Jones.

You're damn right, Junior.

What do you have to say for yourself?

Ow! What the [bleep]?

Are you two [bleep] retarded?

Are you really police officers?

That guy is not a [bleep] superhero.

That's a stupid-as mother[bleep] on a bike

who just stole all the goddamn jewelry.

Guess what, Einstein

I [bleep] work at the goddamn jewelry store.

'You didn't even ask him any [bleep] questions.'

'I mean, [bleep], what's in the bag?'

'Thanks, Nighthawk.'

You're pathetic. Y'all can't be cops.

This must be a [bleep] joke. Is this a [bleep] joke...

Did you see a license plate on the back or anything?

Honestly, I didn't. I was, I was so enthralled with the speech.

I was just wonderin' if he had a sidekick or something.

Oh, Rai! Oh, my God!

- What did you do? What's wrong? - Ahhh!

- What? What? - I taser...

I taser pronged myself in the butt.

- Oh, God, Rai. - How did you do this?

I was pretending like I was a cop.

- Okay, go. - Ahhh!

- One, two, three. - Ahhh!

Oh, man. One, two, three.

Go! Okay.

No. Oh, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay.

Don't bite her.

- Let him come. Let it go. - Ahh!

'Relax.'

Aah! Damn it! No.

Did it move a little bit?

'Something moved.'

- Okay. Let me do it. - 'Oh! Oh! Oh!'

- Wait, it's coming. - Yeah, it's coming.

Oh, God, it's coming.

- Oh! Oh, my! Oh, my! - Way to go, John.

- Nothing. Nothing. - No?

- Not a thing. - Not a thing.

We have a combined 200 years

of law enforcement education standing here right now.

I think we could probably handle this like--

'Call the fire department.'

- Fire department. Awesome idea. - 'Fire department.'

- 'Fire department.' - Fire department.

Hey-heh-heh. Good to see you. How you guys doing?

Hey, fellas, please, not now, not here. Not...

You can't do this right here and now.

- Come on, not here. - No, we're

It's my daughter's wedding, my baby.

Please! What do you want, me to get on my knees?

- Sir, no, no, sir. Come on. - I'll get on my knees, alright?

Hide me, hide me, will you, for Christ's sakes?

No. I'm sorry, sir. Look, we don't want to do it.

- We don't want to do it. - Look at you.

He looks like he enjoyed. You's want some food?

No. It smells delicious, but we cannot stay.

We got to take you. We got to take you in.

Come on. I'm coming with you's.

Just gi-give me an hour. What am I asking for?

An hour here, alright?

Sit down. Enjoy yourselves, right here.

- Right, okay. - Come on. Let's go.

Where's this stuff coming from, mars?

You try this meatball?

Mm, that's like three different kinds of meat on that thing.

That little meatball is different than my meatball.

- Mm, fire it over. - Here.

- Oh! Oh, my God. - Huh?

- Mm. Oh, my God. - Wow!

'Can I help you?'

Terry, uh, you're not typing anything, Terry.

'Yeah, I am. Typing up books.'

All you're doing is making an annoying sound

with your fingers on the keyboard.

I'm the fastest typer in the universe.

Terry, can we talk for a second?

Do you know why we're here?

I think you want to sign up for a cupcake class.

- They've cupcake classes here? - Yeah, they do.

No, they don't, Terry.

And then I'm starting some new ones.

Karate and genital decorating.

- Listen to me. - What?

Were you or were you not pleasuring yourself

in the children's book nook?

- Yes or no? - No, I'm asking you, yes or no?

I'm asking you now.

- Did you? - Did you?

This is not about me. This is about you.

Were you or were you not pleasuring yourself

in the children's book nook?

Yes or no?

- You say yes or no. - You say, you be honest.

- Yes or no? - No. You say yes or no.

- I just did. - Say yes or no.

- Yes or no. - One or the other.

- One or the other. - Say, say yes.

- One or the other. - Say yes.

- No. - Argh!

Terry, come on. Let's-let's go for a ride.

Hold on. I'm on Facebook.

- Shh! - Shh, shh, shh, shh.

Send.

Uh, so, we're getting everything set

for dinner and a murder

and, uh, guess who is playing our lovely corpse.

Hey! Boom.

Ha-ha-ha! Pshoo! Trudy Weigel.

I, uh, I wanted to get a young girl from the drama department

at the university of Nevada, Reno

uh, to come play the corpse.

Uh, but they passed.

Here's it, people come in, nosh, nosh, nosh, da da da

toast, toast, toast, good to see you

nosh, nosh, nosh, have a nice time.

I will lead them into the bathroom.

- Oh, my goodness! - Oh!

- Penelope has been found dead. - I'm so glad you could come.

No, no, you're dead. You can't.

'There's no way you could say anything.'

I think we should put two things in evidence.

I think this is a red herring. You have this.

This is gonna be a red herring.

- So, obviously, boom! - You know what that is?

Oh, that's not good for the murder mystery.

No, impossible. That's a suicide mystery dinner.

They stabbed you right through the middle, so we're--

You're gonna stick a knife in my ribs?

Yeah. There's like a knife. We'll fake it.

They'll fake you with blood and some tape

and macaroni and stuff.

Oh, with macaroni. Okay.

So, we'll cover you with macaroni and blood

and there's like a knife right here.

- Okay. Ohh! Aah! - No, but you don't say it!

- You don't say anything! - God.

So, let's say here's what happened.

The murderer came in, macaroni one, macaroni.

Macaroni, macaroni, macaroni, macaroni, macaroni, macaroni.

- Teeth, teeth, teeth, teeth. - Ow, not my teeth.

- Take that, bitch. - Not my teeth.

Then into the face with the toilet

and then they do it, again, again.

So, she... Ah, it's drowning.

- Oh, then she drowns. - It's a-it's a misdirection.

It was always drowning in the toilet.

- I like it very much. - I do, too.

- And then, you know what? - What's that?

I brought this.

So they can check and see if I've been raped.

That would be fun for the guests.

I feel like that puts a really dark turn on things.

- Don't you think? - I don't have a lot of parties.

I just feel like that's gonna ruin dessert.

Cocorico. Cocorico.

'Okay, we're back, el chupacabra'

the cold sucker in KPBA uno, cero, dos, poo! To cero.

Que pasa, chupi chupi?

Hola. Estamos listos, mi gente.

Yeah. Yo soy listo para poner my face into your breasts.

Ah, Jorge Jenaba, you are incorrigible.

Well, we are here today.

We have the Reno sheriff department here to talk about...

Boat safety!

Arriba, arriba, arriba!

The Reno sheriff department

remind you to register your boat

because it's the law.

Hey!

Register boat. Register boat. Ta-da.

Que es eso?

What are you doing?

- You come into my house. - Yeah.

Asi, dressed...

...like a cartoon of my people.

It is like, you come into my church

and pull down your police pants

and make diarrhea all over Jesucristo.

I did not mean to diarrhea on the Messiah.

- You apologize to me. - I apologize.

You apologize to chupi chupi.

I apologize.

And then I will say to you.

It's a broma! I Ashton Kutchered you!

Are you kidding me? Are you kidding me?

- Guaca, guaca, guaca, guaca. - Hey, look at him.

- Agagaga agagaga! - Ay yay yay. Ay yay yay.

- Don't make that noise! - Okay.

Mu-ha-ha-ha-ha. Mu-ha-ha-ha!

Welcome to dinner

and a murder.

I'm gonna work on that, but I think it's pretty scary.

Oh, Lord, Massa Jim, some of the other slaves done went--

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

Time, time, time, time, time! Timeout! Timeout!

- What are you doing? - What?

What are you doing?

This is my costume for the party.

- For Mrs-- - Ah?

You're supposed to be Mrs. Haberdash, my servant.

Why are you dressin' like Miss F-Frizzy from "Roots"?

Because I thought this was what I was supposed to wear.

Please don't do that. Please don't do that--

I's gonna go get the door for you, Massa.

Everybody is gonna think it was my idea. Ah, crap.

Massa Jim? I would like to present Massa Leslie Frost.

Do you love it? Do you love it?

- It is so cute. - Wasn't my idea.

She's supposed to be Mrs. Haberdash.

- My faithful servant. - Period detail. I love it.

- Don't you wish you were alive? - Get over here.

- Oh, I know... - Come here.

I love it. Somebody has still got--

- Feel these hands. - Feel these lats.

- Feel these lats. - Feel these shoulders.

Lats and traps. Are you working lats and traps?

- Absolutely. - Who went lats and traps on me?

Look at you, you handsome devil.

Thank you. Thank you.

If anybody wants to [bleep] me down

in the slave quarters, just let me know.

- Oh, I love it. - Okay.

Nobody is gonna [bleep] you down in the slave quarters.

I's better get the door, huh, Massa Jim?

Oh, my goodness gracious.

- Not my idea! - One of my thing for this--

I's would like to introduce Mrs. Debbie Dangle.

- Hello, Deb. - Look at diva.

And may I present my fiance, Gary Werner.

Coming, my love!

Hello.

Can't keep our hands off each other.

- Oh, hello, strangers. - Hello.

Number one, number two, number always forever and more.

Third time is the charm.

Isn't it, though?

'May I offer you a glass of white?'

- Oh, yes. - Sure.

Mrs. Haberdash?

Oh. Y-Yes, Massa Jim. Let me gets that for you.

How campy. I love it.

Okay, okay. We all love it. We all love it.

- Get me a white wine, slave. - Ha ha! I love it.

Get her! Get her a wine, or we'll take a switch to you.

I'll take a switch to your hide.

I brought a switch.

Okay. That was-that was too much. We crossed a line.

We crossed a line with the one.

That was too much. No one's gonna switch you.

No one is switching your hide.

This is what we do. We check nose, okay?

- That's nice. - Wow.

Check the legs, density of the grape.

- That's nice, huh? - Huh.

And now, now we taste it.

Ah, that was good.

Wow, that's a good merlot. Wow.

You's done? How was it, eh? It was great, right?

Absolutely delicious, sir, but I'm sorry, we got to go.

- One other thing. - Alright.

I'm coming, I'm coming.

I got to dance "Daddy's Little Girl" with my daughter.

I got to do that.

We can lose our job already

just for cutting you this much slack, we got to go.

- I gotta do that. - We got to go.

I'll tell you what. Won't you, say hello to my niece.

Apollonia, bene qua, over here.

No. We don't want to meet your little niece.

- I'm sure she's adorable. - Come here. That's my niece.

Wow, no. We can't. We got to--

We-we-we got to go. We got to go. No.

- Sit down. - No, no, no.

- I gotta dance. - 'Ten minutes.'

- Ten minutes, ten minutes. - One song.

- Cin cin. - Hey, ching ching.

Ching ching. Ha-ha-ha.

- Ohh! - Uhh!

So, what's it like in Italy?

I have no idea. I'm from Long Island.

Oh, yeah, but I heard that that's really nice, though.

Supposed to be beautiful. Supposed to be beautiful.

♪ For the rest of my life ♪

♪ I will love you every second we're together ♪

'Welcome to Fontleby manor.'

I am Lord Chance Fontleby.

Fifth heir of Fontleby manor

here on the misty moors of Scotland

Ooh!

Aka the Reno historical society

which we must be out of by 11 pm and that's a hard out.

For real, we have to be out by 11:00, really, no joke.

That's good. We want to get home and get busy, anyway.

We're trying to make a baby.

God bless. Uh--

And I don't know nothin' 'bout birthin' no babies.

Oh!

No, you don't. No, you don't.

Dance for us. Dance, minstrel, dance.

You know what, bitch? I'm his slave, not yours.

- You're gone to shut up-- - Are you gonna cut me?

- Yes, I am. - Dear goddamn it!

- Gary. - Gary!

Look. I'm sorry about all the slave stuff.

Remember that Applebee's coupon I was gonna give you?

- Mm-hmm. - We'll go 75 on that, okay?

That sound good?

- That's fine. - Okay. Cool.

Come on, grandpa.

I'm going out tonight and I can't afford

regular drugs because of the sluggish economy.

I need these prescription drugs for my heart.

Aw, [bleep] you, grandpa.

Give me the drugs!

We've all seen this scenario play out too many times.

Senior abuse, and all for a quick high.

That's right.

In Washoe county, there were over 5,000 cases

of senior abuse last year.

Yes, over 5,000 cases.

Senior citizens beaten, stabbed, raped

and bludgeoned for their prescription medications.

And most of the drugs they have won't even get you high.

The drugs they're taking are to keep their

arteries functioning and so they can pee.

They're not good for recreational use.

So let's make senior abuse, just like grandpa

a thing of the past.

This has been a message from the Reno sheriff's department.

Alright, guys, let's go.

Just do it quietly, not in front of everybody, alright?

Go ahead. Go ahead.

You know what? Not today.

You kept your word, you came back to us

and, uh, we should reward that.

We're not gonna arrest you on this

the blessed day of your daughter's wedding.

- Enjoy your grandchildren. - Are you kidding?

Oh, wow.

Just, uh, stay out of trouble

and-and we never saw you, we never saw you.

And, uh, say good-bye to your lovely niece for me, please.

Oh, no, see. No, it's okay.

It's all right. It's all right.

- You're a good guy. - Thank you.

Oh, no. Look at this.

You feed the whole precinct, huh?

Ha ha! I didn't think it was gonna work.

What did I tell you, man? Italian weddings.

You just go. You stand in the back.

Pretty soon, some guys comes up, "hey, I didn't do it.

"Would you please take it easy?

If I could eat have a chair." beautiful.

I'm gonna be eating this for three days.

Works every time. Works every time.

And drink.

- No. - Uh, why don't we, uh...

Uh, we'll do this, uh, five times really fast.

We'll do that and then, boo!

Nothing? No.

Hup! Hup!

- Let's double this up. - Okay.

Hup! Hup!

Up. Form. Get your form up. Boom.

There. Up. There. Boom.

Nutcracker. Nutcracker.

Swan lake.

- 'And...' - Come on.

Come on.

Mm, mm!

Come on!

That was so close. I feel like we're right there.

I feel like I'm right there.

Hup, hup.

Arms up there, arms up there.

- Hup, hup, hup. - Hup, hup.

- Alright. - Alright.

Who's the, who's the lucky bachelor?

Okay. Four more to go.

Well, since we short on time, Massa

maybe we better get to fixing to leave.

I don't want to wait anymore.

I'm not waiting for any more latecomers. Let's just do it.

'First, let us... We'll have a little toast.'

And I'll pick a murderer, okay?

- Yeah. - Everybody good?

Yeah, I don't remember where I left... Oh.

'No, I think this is definitely yours.'

Oh, okay. Alright.

- That one is yours. - Alright.

Uh, let us toast to our wonderful...

...once and future wife.

And to our future child.

- And to... Cabo San Lucas. - Cabo San Lucas.

Sammy Hagar, and...

To murder.

Murder.

- Mm. - Ah, very good.

You wouldn't believe it's three bucks a bottle.

- Three... - That is local.

- Three dollars for a huge... - That's local.

You didn't taste it.

- Deb? - It's earthy, isn't it?

- Yeah. - Deb?

- Deb? - What's going on?

She's dead.

- That was fun. - Fabulous.

No, no, G... No.

- Everyone... she's really dead. - We got a murder mystery there.

You're over emoting now.

Feel her! She's dead, goddamn it! She's dead!

Oh, my God, she's colder than normal.

She's dead.

- Oh, my god! - Don't move.

Don't touch her or anything.

- Jim, what the [bleep]? - Don't touch anything.

When are we gonna get to the murder part?

I've been laying on the bathroom floor for three hours.

One, two, three, go!

Wow. These are awesome.

Make her dance. Make her dance.

Like a marionette? Okay.

Shock her!

Shock her!

'Fire department! Fire department!'

Uh, yeah, this lady was...

'She, uh...'

'How's it going, fellas?'

- 'Hey, guys.' - Hey, guys.

'Oh, we did this again.'

- This is... - It happened again.