Original subtitles

Pull over and exit your vehicle

with your hands in the air!

'Pull over, and, oh, son of a bitch.'

'He's ditchin'! He's ditchin'!'

Freeze, mother[bleep]!

Goddamn it! I lost him!

Talk to me! Talk to me, people. You have a 20 on him?

'In the back of the house, he's running through the backyard.'

'Okay, lieutenant, turn right. Turn right.'

That, that way?

- Stage my left or my right? - 'Your right.'

Stage right!

'Suspect is entering the property...'

Talk to me! Come on, mother[bleep]!

You're the one with the [bleep] view, dumb ass!

- 'You got him. Go!' - This way? Right here?

- 'Go, go, go!' - Yes or no?

- Yes or no, dumb ass? - 'Yes, lieutenant.'

Gaah!

Yeah, who's the dumb ass now?

Son of a bitch. Goddamn it!

Come on.

They all have guns!

Whoo hoo!

- Ow! - Push them together?

Get off the bike! Off your bike.

Oh! God!

Aah!

'Good morning, gang.'

'Oh. Hey, the, uh, the people who make our new ammunition...'

um, it's comin' in from China.

So basically, they've said, be patient with it.

If it don't go, you just shake it out of the gun.

Shake it out of the gun, it'll fall out.

I don't why this would ever come up

but they also said never, ever, ever

put our new ammunition in your mouth. Ever.

- 'Trudy?' - My bad.

Um, as you know, they're removing all the asbestos

out of the station which apparently made up

80% to 85% of the infrastructure.

I actually heard the cafeteria trays were made of asbestos.

The trays were also made of asbestos.

Um, they said, within the next five, six days,

it'll all be removed.

Uh, we can go back to the station

and meanwhile, we'll be operating out of, uh...

Captain Crabby's shrimp wharf here.

Everybody get their settlement check?

- 'Seventy-one bucks.' - Whoo!

- 'Not bad, huh?' - Yeah.

'Not bad, huh?'

The, uh, the new rape kits are in a metric.

That's why we can't figure them out.

'They are in metric, so here's the thing...'

What's in a rape kit? Like, a gag and chloroform?

- Hey, Bernie. - Thanks.

I just don't mean to interrupt.

We really appreciate you guys being here.

If you could just cut out the foul language.

The language. Sure, sure, sure, absolutely.

- And, hey, and it's Bernie? - Mm-hmm, Bernie, yeah.

Um, did we establish that we are all on separate checks?

- Yeah, separate checks. - Separate checks.

Great. Awesome. Thanks a lot.

- Thanks, Bernie. - 'Oh, come on. Come on, man .'

Don't make a difference for me. I'm free.

What, what did you get there, Jack?

This is the bet you can't.

This is the first of five plates.

If you can eat seven pounds of, uh, fried seafood, it's free.

Hey, Jim, smell my fingers. It smells like vag.

- It's just crab. - It smells exactly like vag.

We are on, uh, special assignment.

Uh, for the state's attorney's office.

Uh, picking up convicted serial murderer Calvin Robin Tomlinson.

Uh, I guess he cut some kind of deal

with the state's attorney's office.

Uh, if he shows us where the body

of his last victim is buried.

I guess he gets a reduced sentence.

I don't think that's right.

I don't either but...

We wanna help the family bury their loved one.

So what are you gonna do?

Keep both eyes on this psychopath

at all times, alright?

He's slippery. I certainly will.

I'm literally slippery.

Don't try to humor me, sir. Don't engage me.

Don't humor me and don't engage me, sir.

Okay! Ready to go?

Shotgun! Heh heh heh!

- Yes. - Shotgun, seriously.

I would like to ride in the front seat.

- No. - Please?

No, sir. You will not ride shotgun in the vehicle.

No. No, no, no.

Mr. Tomlinson? Okay.

If you ride in the front will you show us where

the body is very quickly, please?

- Yes, I will. - Fine. You can ride shotgun.

Thank you, mustache.

Don't call me mustache.

Freeze! Sheriff's department!

Sir, don't make me do this!

Freeze! Freeze!

Sir!

Damn it! Damn it!

He's jacking that car!

Don't do that! Don't, goddamn it.

Hey! Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

Whoa! Sheriff's department! We need this van!

We have to commandeer your vehicle!

We have to commandeer this vehicle!

'You mean, the Sheriff's department. This is exciting.'

Pull over! Sheriff's department!

Well, it looks like we've been commandeered

by the Reno sheriff's department.

Isn't this exciting? Oh!

Deputy Rizzo, this.

Oh! This is exciting. He knows Japanese.

We are a very multicultural city.

O-on the left, you'll see our bowling hall of fame. Yes!

I bowled a perfect game one time.

That's exciting!

Right here on the right

is where they used to hold divorces.

Before 1950, this was the only place

you could really get a divorce.

Right here, this is the mayor's house.

Mayor Hernandez.

He was not indicted on those charges.

Contrary to popular belief.

Oh, God! If you look...

Yeah. Uh-huh.

How's everybody doing?

That was fun, huh?

- Yeah! - Thank you.

Mr. Tomlinson?

The sky is so beautifully...

This is not a sightseeing trip.

This is not a trip to Legoland.

We are not going to Legoland today.

Do you understand me? Do you understand me?

I understand what you're saying.

Are you listening to me?

What does that mean, two fingers--

I mean, look at my eyes.

Is that listening or looking?

'Cause you, you're talking listening

and then you're pointing at your eyes.

Listen and look at me!

Your only job today...

Yes! Is to take you to the body.

- Take me to the body. - I completely understand.

North, south, east, west, where am I goin'?

Okay. One quick pit stop.

I need a delicious frozen slushy fountain beverage

and then we'll go straight to the body.

- Oh, hell, no. - One quick stop, seven minutes.

I agree with Williams on this.

Take me back to jail immediately.

Take me back to jail!

If... I buy you a fountain slushy

you will show us where the body is--

I'm finding it difficult to concentrate.

- 'Cause of the weapon? - No, because your hand.

It's touching my shoulder.

'$115,000 damage to automobiles.'

- Ran over stop signs. - Sure did.

Broke a storefront window.

Yep.

Three Japanese tourists have whiplash

and we're getting sued by the tour company.

It's a goddamn team. Work like a team member.

I got the mayor breathing down my throat.

I got the commissioner asking me to take your badge.

Oh, [bleep] the mayor. the commissioner.

No, you know what? you, Rizzo!

- you! - [bleep] you!

Guys. Guys.

Keep it down?

me? No, [bleep] you, Rizzo.

...the street. I know what it's like.

But you play within the rules.

You bend them, but you don't break 'em.

You're breaking the goddamn rules.

You're breaking my ass, and I'm sick of it.

I want your badge and I want your goddamn gun.

Okay! I'll give you my glasses too!

And my badge.

Gonna have to ask you to leave.

Okay. Man, I'm sorry.

Uh, well, just, where we are usually, we can be loud.

So it's, it's hard to get used to accommodating.

Um, could I get that to go?

Of course, yes. Of course.

One false move, I swear...

You swear what?

One false move, Calvin, and I swear...

Okay, take me back, because maybe I would like

to make a false move now and again.

- Can I make a false move? - Enjoy the float!

- Enjoy the float. - Nope. That was a false move.

- And you were fine, okay? - We're fine.

And you will get to see the body.

- We are fine. - Lift it for me.

Feed me. Bring it closer.

Angle it. Forty degrees. Too much.

Calvin... this is, this is stupid.

Don't deep-throat the straw.

Don't you deep-throat...

Is he deep-throating the straw?

It's the only way I know how to drink.

It's not the only way you know how to drink.

- Do you have to use the potty? - Yes.

- You do? - Not anymore.

- Did you tinkle yourself? - A little bit.

Yeah, we're not allowed back in the station

for at least, I think, ooh, what is it, like, six days.

Uh, while they remove all of the asbestos

that apparently made up all the flooring tiles

all of the ceiling tiles.

All of the insulation in the walls also was made of asbestos

And for two months after they found the asbestos.

- They gave us little masks. - Mm-hmm.

Made of [bleep] asbestos.

We found that out later, that's what they were made out of.

So now that we're all good.

Does anything around here look familiar?

Are we gonna watch "Cold Mountain"

at your house or at your house?

- What? - Please?

Seriously? You wanna watch "Cold mountain" first?

With the director's commentary.

After we watch "Cold Mountain" on VHS in my home...

Mm-hmm.

You will show us where the body is.

And you need to let me

deep-throat your pinky.

- No, sir. - Deal's off.

Do it. Do it.

'Aww.'

- No. No. Please? - Okay. Enough!

Now we're gonna watch "Cold mountain"

and then we go to the body, okay?

Hit it.

Oh! Well...

It's better than I remember.

- It was long. - But it's a beautiful movie.

It is beautiful, and she, Renee Zellweger...

I've written her so many letters

and I haven't heard back from her.

Just a reminder that Friday is class picture day.

So if you can't actually order pictures

please come and have your picture taken anyway

so that we knew you existed.

Um, so let's now welcome Officer Declan

and Deputy Junior.

Uh, before we get started

it's actually, uh, Sergeant Declan.

I worked, uh, pretty hard for that, and, uh...

it's just like the same way if someone's a doctor

you call him doctor, not mister.

Oh. I'm very sorry about that.

Look. You can go ahead and do it again, quick.

Let's please welcome Sergeant Declan

to the floor.

We'd like to introduce you to another deputy we have.

Ms. Ladybug!

Everybody say, "Good morning, Ms. Ladybug."

Who here likes to be tickled?

'I know I do. Yeah.'

And who here is under 15 years old?

'See? So is Ms. Ladybug.

That means that in the state of Nevada

there are places where you can tickle Ms. Ladybug.

- Like right there. - That tickles!

And then there are places where you are not

supposed to tickle Ms. Ladybug.

Rape!

See? So, when Ms. Ladybug asks...

Tickles.

- You can tickle Ms. Lady-- - Rape!

Oh, come on.

- Rape! - Come on.

You saw where I touched her. You saw that I

you saw where I touched her.

'Touched her in the head.'

Alright. Sorry. Okay. Sorry, kids.

- I'll hold her down. - Rape!

Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up.

Rape. Rape. Rape.

Any question, kids?

Well... heh.

Remind me to never get raped.

- How's it goin'? - Hi!

- We saw your ad, Terry. - What?

Which, um...

The one that you put in where it says that

you're givin out jobs

under the bleachers at the Little League Field.

- And ask for Terry. - Yeah.

- That one. - Yeah.

I don't think that that was me.

It was, how did they how did they spell Terry?

With a capital T...

Okay.

- E. - E.

- R. - Right.

R.

- Right. - Y.

See? Here's the thing.

I have... four Rs in my name now.

- Oh, really? - Yeah.

So it's a different Terry.

I'm just here watching America's pastime, you know.

Damn it! Damn it, we're losing now!

You know else is losing?

Iraq?

Okay, one quick Pilates lesson

then you will show us, yes, Calvin?

- Yes. - Fine. Six, seven, eight.

And we're breathing, you're breathing

from your core as you do it.

- Did you fart? - Sorry.

Screw you, grandpa!

If you're supposed to be the greatest generation.

How come you smell like Jell-O and pee?

Now, give me your social security checks

so that I can buy alcohol and play the lottery with it.

I need that money for medicine.

you, grandpa!

Gimme the money, grandpa!

I'm gonna abuse the hell out of you till you do.

I'll kill you dead.

It's a scene that's all too familiar.

Senior abuse.

Every single day, hundreds of senior citizens are abused

in Washoe County.

They're shaken, stabbed, punched, shot

strangled, and recently

one was tied to the bumper of a van

and dragged on a gravel road.

All for their social security checks.

Senior abuse is a serious crime

and these social security checks aren't even for that much money.

This is one crime that is not worth the time.

This has been a message from the Reno sheriff's department.

I, I was surprised when he chose to do the remake of "Alfie."

I thought that was pretty weird--

He's brilliant in everything he does.

You think so, really?

- I love Jude Law so much. - I just feel like--

But in "Cold Mountain" and he needs to make his way back

through the civil war...

- Yeah. - I love our friendship.

We're not really friends, Calvin.

I would like to be friends.

Hey, are you just about done over there or--

Oh, I finished 45 minutes ago.

Oh, for [bleep] sake, Calvin.

I need a little wipe though.

'Alright, you damn convict!'

Don't try any funny stuff!

No one's ever broken out of that cell

and gotten away with it alive!

This is strawberry shortcake.

He thinks he's in a jail cell.

But we didn't have enough room today

'cause they're clearing out for asbestos.

It's a whole, it's a whole long story.

'Hi, Trude.'

How do you spell, is it prepetrate or perpetrate?

He's a convict.

He thinks he's in a jail cell.

Oh.

Keep it down in there, convict!

Keep it down in there, rodent!

I don't wanna have to tell you again

or I'll come in there and toss your salad for you.

Opening up cell block number four, boss!

Open up four!

What are you guys doing?

He thinks he's in jail.

Oh, okay.

Keep it down in there, convict!

Keep it down!

Oh, God! Oh, God!

Down here! Down here!

My cellmate done hung himself!

He done hung himself!

Keep it down in there, convict!

Keep it down.

This is the worst birthday party I ever been to.

Lordy, lordy!

Look, woman, I'm tired of your naggin' and your natterin'.

If you don't leave me alone

there's gonna be hell to pay.

Hell, I tell you!

Why don't you just go on back, do your work now

and leave me and my boy to our own?

We can survive on our own out there.

I say we could.

We're keepin' an entire negro family?

Goddamn it, Calvin.

Goddamn it, man.

We were supposed to have you back seven hours ago.

You'd better be right about this.

We'd better find a damn body out here.

You damn well better be right.

I'm pretty sure...

That, I don't think that's good to eat.

That can't be good to eat.

- What are you doing? - We're close. We're close.

One, two, three.

Ten paces.

One, two, three.

Two, three.

this.

- Right here! - Right here?

- Is not the spot. - Goddamn it!

I don't need to know what is not the spot, Calvin.

Three, two, one.

Up. Power line.

Where's the moon?

I remember the moon shining

glistening on his rotting skin.

- Okay. - I can still smell...

Okay. Think hard. Think back.

- Think back. - The hole...

- Okay. - The digging.

- The digging is... - The sweat.

We're on it. This is it right here.

- Oh! - Yeah.

Wow. Right here?

♪ I've been working on the railroad ♪

♪ All the live-long day ♪

♪ Dinah won't you blow ♪

♪ Dinah won't you blow your horn? ♪

♪ Dinah won't you blow ♪

♪ Your horn? ♪

Can I borrow your cell phone?

Don't have mine with me.

Who would you call, anyway, Calvin?

1-800-dark-[bleep].

Well, I got a health compensation check

from the sheriff's department for $71

for working in a asbestos-filled station.

And then I spent $87 on seafood this week

at Captain Crabby's shrimp wharf.

So the way I look at it, that's, like, 90% off.

Love it. Cha-ching.

Calvin?

I'm gonna ask you one last time.

Are you full of [bleep]?

There is nothing here, man.

There is nothing here.

I might have been off.

You might have been off?

I swear to [bleep] God

if you're off, I will kick, oh, [bleep].

That's it. That's it.

- Is that it? - Whoops. That's it.

- You found it. - That's it!

Goddamn it. It was right there.

How long has he been down there?

- We got him though. - Uh, eight and a half years.

Oh, this is not gonna be

not gonna be very nice, people.

Okay. Here we go.

Tick, tick, tick, tick, tick...

Why are you making ticking sounds?

Oh, I'm sorry. Am I making a ticking sound?

No, you very distinctly were making a ticking sound.

Nervous habit.

I won't do it again, I promise.

- It's booby-trapped. - I don't know.

No, I know. It's booby-trapped.

it! You know what? No. You do it.

Calvin, you do it.

Come to papa.

- Watch your eyes, Joe. - I'm so sorry.

I am so sorry.

Oh! Oh, there you are.

Don't, don't, don't touch it. Don't touch it. Don't touch it.

'It's just a body. It's, oh!'

There you are. Hands up in the air right now!

All the way up. Good.

Now, throw your guns and your car keys in the backpack.

- Do it! - Doin' it. Doin' it. Doin' it.

Now come here. We gotta undo these cuffs.

Set that down.

There's a key in my rectum. Fish it out.

Fish it!

A little left.

Dig in there. Use your index finger.

Lower. Good.

Good God, you got it far up there. Jesus.

- Okay. - Okay.

Okay. Take this scooter out, please, both of you.

Come on. Let's move.

Jesus [bleep] Christ, this was organized.

Oh, one last thing.

"Cold Mountain" sucks.

And what you don't know about Pilates

could fill a book.

- Oh, [bleep]. - 'What?'

I have handcuff keys on me.

Kato Miso Rice.

Calvin, right now, what I need you to do

is I need you to tell me where we're goin'.

You are my divining rod right now, Calvin--

That mustache is fake, isn't it?

- It is not fake. - Let me check.

Ow! Ow! [bleep] it.

Hey!

Don't tug the 'stache again.

- Okay? - I promise.

When you said you wanted to tug the 'stache.

I thought you just wanted to touch it.

I didn't know you were gonna pull on it really hard.

Well, I assumed that, you know

when you say if it's fake

and you're gonna check if it's fake

that means a tug.

Well, you tug really hard, Calvin.