Original subtitles

Hi! It's a very exciting day

for the Reno Sheriff's Department.

We are participating in the Statewide

Law Enforcement Parade in Carson City!

We will be transforming

this regular run-of-the-mill cop car

into a splendid parade float

like you might see in a cavalcade of roses.

The theme that we have chosen

is "Together we are united."

- So that will be boldly-- - No, Jim. Jim. No, Jim.

- That's not what we decided. - Yeah, it is.

- No, tell him what we did. - Yeah, we decided...

"We can do this." That was the theme.

No, that was what you voted for.

That was what you voted for.

You didn't want "Wheels."

It was "United in togetherness."

Typical [bleep].

You always pull rank, Jim.

We're united in togetherness.

- No! - What, mother[beep]?

What?

Ow!

Oh.

I was agreeing with you.

Don't do it again!

Freeze! Get on the ground! Freeze!

Alright.

The tornado...

Hell, no! We won't go!

Yeah!

My friend.

You know, there is an award

for Best Float.

What? Is it money?

No. It's a prize.

It's pride. It's the dignity.

It's the good feeling of satisfaction

that comes from having done something wonderful

and made people feel good about law enforcement.

'That's a [bleep] prize.'

Isn't everybody who does a float

for the law enforcement parade supposed to feel

a sense of dignity and pride?

Yeah, but then when you get that...

When you get that big cup at the end

that says "Best Float"--

Imagine how much more dignity and pride--

You know what? You said we'd feel pride

when we did that AIDS Quilt

and I didn't feel anything

except totally disappointed.

- You didn't do [bleep]. - That's not true.

I did the final Winnie-the-Pooh square.

I did. I did the square.

You did two Winnie the Poohs

and what were they doing?

Inappropriate for an AIDS Quilt.

Anyway, we have decided on--

Not that we're playing the patriotism card--

Kind of we are.

We would like to win, obviously, Best Float.

Uh, we have decided to honor...

...uh, September 11.

I would like, out of chicken wire

to make an Osama head

with his finger in his nose.

- And I can do it. - I like that.

With Paper Mache.

- An Osama Bin Laden head... - That's classic.

And then when we get to the end of the route

we can hit it with a bat.

- 'See...' - It could be a pinata.

- Oh, my gosh. - Oh, my God. I like that.

Candy and condoms could come out of the pinata.

So you're suggesting--

Can we make a giant Bin Laden blond--

Bin Laden pinata?

We could repaint that Abe Lincoln

that we had for Presidents Day.

- We could put-- - Recycle. Recycle.

Okay. This is good.

We got a suicide bomber at the brothel!

Sheriff's Department! Sheriff's Department!

I will do it! I will do it!

I will blow this place up!

They have done me wrong, and I will blow it up!

Don't you do it! Don't you dare do it!

Put it down!

I want my money back, and I will blow this place up!

- Andrew? - What?

Are those hot dogs?

Yeah.

Oh, oh, I told him it was hot dogs

and they go, they were, like

"Well, it's still an issue."

It's just regular hot dogs.

It's regular hot dogs. I got them from over there.

What is that thing in your hand?

Oh, it's a...

Stereo.

- Oh, I like this one. - Leave it on?

Yeah, leave it on. Turn it up a second.

- Your bass is too high. - Set the bass.

I don't know how you do these things.

Hit the-- There should be a thing for...

Audio. Have you got audio?

- You know, that's what it is. - Well, listen. Listen here.

These speakers are set up wrong.

- Because now-- - You know what?

It's coming from mostly over here.

Now we're balanced to the left.

- Yeah, that's nice. - Yeah.

Try that.

- Yeah. It's nice. - Alright. Cool.

We got things accomplished, ladies.

- We got things accomplished. - Wait. Whoa, whoa, whoa.

- Oh, come on now. - You know the drill.

We were all having a good time about that treble-bass issue.

Hey, don't shoot him now.

I don't want to get sprayed.

Budget setbacks and cutbacks

means that we have to outsource our 911 calls

to Bombay, India.

What? Yes, so, I'm gonna call right now...

...and see--

Check in on the last hour.

'Hello. You have reached the nine hundred and eleven'

'emergency center.'

'Can I help you, please?'

Mr. Nanjipur, sweetie pie, this Raineesha Williams

from the Reno Sheriff's Department.

'Hold, please.'

'Thank you for calling Boost Mobile Customer Service.'

'How can I help you? This is Ranjit.'

No, no, no. Hello.

This is Trudy Weigel from the Reno Sheriff's Department.

'Oh. Hold, please.'

- 'Uh, hello.' - Hello, hello!

'Are you the nice lady who called about being raped?'

No, no, no.

'Your confirmation number is H as in Hindu.'

- 'V as in Vishnu.' - Sir.

- 'P as in Pompadu. That is me.' - Sir.

- '1-1-7.' - Listen, sir--

I cannot help you about your rape

unless you give me your confirmation number.

Sir, listen! This is Deputy Jones

from the Reno Sheriff's Department

and we want our 911 calls now!

'Oh, 911 calls. Reno Sheriff's Department.'

- Yes, please. - Yes.

Uh, that is not my department.

Let me get you my supervisor.

- Hold, please. - No [bleep]!

Uh, we were in the middle of a training exercise

this morning, and, uh...

Sonny here ate about 2 1/2 pounds

of C4 plastic explosive.

If this dog moves too suddenly

he's gonna go up like Nagasaki.

So hopefully pretty soon

the C4 will mix with the manwiches

I've been feeding with him all morning

and nature will run its course

and I will be able to retrieve--

You can do it.

You can do it.

Jesus [bleep].

- Hi, my favorite. - Hi. Yeah.

Hi, my favorite.

I'm gonna get this belly. I'm gonna get this belly, belly.

I'm gonna get your belly, belly, belly.

Yeah, you got his belly, belly, belly, alright.

He gets the [bleep] point.

You got his belly, belly, belly.

Now back the [bleep] off.

- Hey! Hey! - No. No.

- He's my friend. - No, no, no, no.

No, no, no. No, no, no--

That's a little too friendly.

I'll see you later.

Please don't hump the nice officer.

Here, come on. Hey, hey. Hey.

Hey. How about right here?

Hey, how about right here?

Yeah.

Mission accomplished.

Ew!

You know, that's 90% of law enforcement

is just perseverance-- Stick to the task.

- Hi, Travis. - Right, sonny?

Hey, how you doing?

Oh, Jesus.

- Sorry. Stop. - Here we go.

Thank God you guys are here.

This eyesore, it's been like a--

It's like a sliver under my--

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

First of all, get back in your yard.

You're outside of your jurisdiction.

This doesn't shock me till I get past that stop sign.

Somebody-- Some-- Some--

Some... gang member or something

came and parked that truck there and just left it there.

It's an eyesore to the neighborhood

and I'm just-- You know, it's blocking my--

It's-- I-- Just, if you would move it to tow it.

You want to be able to not see the truck.

When you're looking at what?

I don't look at anything.

You don't look at anything, huh?

No. I'm just hanging out in my yard.

So I got to go back in now.

What is it blocking you from seeing?

- Let me just quickly get some-- - No. No. Stay here.

On the stove, and that stuff will rise out--

- Stay here. - What's this?

That is-- that is a, uh--

It appears to be a--

That is a bird-watching equipment

that I ordered off the Intranet.

I like to look at, you know, ravens--

Caw, caw. Caw!

Okay. Yup.

I see the ravens that you're looking at. That's--

- That's disgusting, alright? - What is on there?

Because if there's anything but ravens on there

then the neighborhood kids--

That little Pablo--

Got to my camera and [bleep].

Damn it, Pablo!

'911 Emergency Center.'

'What is the nature of your call?'

We are calling from the Reno Sheriff's--

- 'Are you being raped?' - No. Rape--

'If you are not being raped or on fire'

'I have to transfer you.'

"If you are not being raped or on fire."

- We're both. We're both. - 'Okay. Very good.'

'I'm going to need your confirmation number.'

I have a Statue of Liberty suit.

- I'll throw that out there. - Love it.

Is it X-rated, R-rated, PG-13?

It is R-rated, but I can bring it to PG--

- Can you make it PG? - Yeah.

Then we're good.

Look, let's hand out cheeseburgers, too.

- 'I love cheeseburgers.' - And these cheeseburgers...

These magical cheeseburgers--

They're not magical. They're just cheeseburgers.

Right. So we get a bunch of gnomes

come in tonight and make hundreds

perhaps thousands of cheeseburgers.

- That's a great idea. - Great. You know what, Trudy?

- This is a perfect job for you. - Okay.

Go get those cobbler's elves

who make shoes magically at night for free

and get them tonight to come right away

and make a bunch of cheeseburgers

we can have to take out later.

- Don't be a dick about it. - Let's do it, people.

You need to label it north and south.

Beautiful.

No, flip it. Flip it.

Flip it. It's upside down.

I think the star on the Empire State Building

reads a little... Jewey.

No. No, this is a Five-pointed Christian star.

A Jew star has 6 points, like the devil.

I'll hold on. I'm afraid you're gonna fall.

- I'll hold onto you. - Don't, don't...

I got you, Jim. I got you.

Aren't you supposed to leave the window open

when you use this much

glue and paint?

Hey, take that, Al Gore!

- Alright, Jim. - Yeah.

- Uh, thought. - 'Yeah.'

That fax we got about the Law Enforcement Parade

to do a float.

- Yeah. - It said "Remember 9/11"?

Or did it say "Remember 9-1-1?"

Remember to dial 9-1-1.

Are we supposed to be doing

a "remember the phone number" float?

'Oh, [bleep].'

If it's a "remember the phone number" kind of thing

I'm gonna feel like a real dick with the Twin Towers on our car.

You got him, Jim?

- Son of a bitch. - You got him?

I lost him. .

- Hey, guys, how you doing? - Hey, freeze! Freeze!

- Freeze! Freeze! - Freeze! Hold it right there.

- Good God. - Other hand where I can see it.

Step out of the boat. Step out of the boat.

- Why were you running? - I wasn't running.

I was relaxing.

- I was taking a repose. - You were taking a repose?

In the boat here. That's all I was doing.

You guys think that I was running from you?

- Yes. You were running from us. - And we were chasing you.

No. No, no. Okay, let me--

May I make an inquiry?

May I ask a question?

You know what?

I wish you would so I can catch my breath. Go ahead.

Okay, hypothetically speaking, alright?

If you did indeed see me

are you sure that I was not running with you behind me

in the intention of showing you a crime scene?

Was that your intention?

That is exactly what I was doing, because, you know--

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. You were running from us.

We said "freeze," "stop," "get on the ground."

"Get on the ground," and you didn't

because you were leading us quickly to a crime scene?

Right, and I figured if I continued to run

at the pace I was running, you guys would get there

before a said crime was perpetrated.

But you got so far ahead of us

that you thought you'd take a rest

so you jumped in the boat.

- That's my 380 right there. - This is yours.

- This is your Beretta 380. - Correct.

So you're saying right now to me this is yours.

That is indeed my weapon.

You were running, we were chasing you and you did throw--

...put it down. And you threw it.

Right, because I felt that the chase

was not spicy enough, you know?

I felt like I really needed you guys

to step it up in pursuit of me.

So that we could get to the crime.

If this is spicy enough for you

I literally my pants about a mile ago.

Perfect, see?

Once again, would you rather have me

in a pronated or a supinated position?

Now, your parole officer has requested

that we, uh, bring you in here and speak to you

primarily for the reason that you have

failed to report to your parole officer... ever.

- Ever? - Ever.

So you're 0 for... 0 for 19 visits.

You're supposed to have paid to him.

- Is that bad? - Uh, 0 for 19, it ain't good.

Terence, it's been reported to us

that you were laid off

after less than two hours of work

at the Super Fun Party Pizza Palace?

You want to tell us about that incident?

Yes. Um, I thought since I was a delivery guy

that I got to add my own toppings

and make it fun for everybody.

And what did you add that was fun?

Somebody ordered a pepperoni pizza.

I added carrots and rocks...

- "Carrots." - Uh, Ice cubes, and a fart.

"Ice cubes and a fart."

Terry, this energy that you have

you've got-- that's creativity.

And you got to harness this creative energy

do something productive.

Yeah. We say that what you should do

is channel that energy into something.

So you're saying I should be a school teacher?

Did you, uh, attempt to be a school teacher?

I thought about it. I thought I could teach.

And you apparently acted on it at the Sierra Middle School.

There was an incident there, something about

you going into their Thanksgiving pageant.

You want to tell us about that?

What were you dressed as?

I was a turkey.

I wore-- I wore shorts made out of turkey.

So you're not denying that you roller-skated out

into the pageant...

Feathers painted above your fully erect johnson

to simulate a turkey...

To simulate a turkey, and this is--

We should interpret this

not as an incredibly creepy sexuality

but patriotism.

Do you or do you not eat turkey at thanksgiving?

Yes, we do.

So why is it weird that I'm wearing a turkey?

Someone's got to eat it.

♪ Oh ♪

♪ Ooh ♪

♪ Hoo hoo ♪

'We're killing some time with the old polygraph machine.'

Yay!

'I have a question.'

There was a pair of men's cotton briefs

and a jar of grape jelly

in the glove compartment.

This was about two weeks ago.

Were those briefs in fact yours?

No.

Something wrong.

There is something wrong

because Junior admitted to me that he--

Junior, you told us you had grape jelly--

So this is a coincidence?

'You were doing jelly tugs when you were'

'on that whole stakeout, weren't you?'

- Yeah. - So you coincidentally both--

Wait a second. Wait-- Wait-- Wait a second.

Do we have to enact some sort of policy

where people aren't giving themselves

jelly tugs on stakeouts?

I thought that was what the jelly was for.

Why on earth-- Wait. Explain.

Why else would there be just jelly in a glove box?

- For a sandwich? - No, with just jelly?

- With just jelly? - Put it on toast.

Was there a map in there? Did you use that, too?

I mean, "oh, there's something by itself.

I'd better [bleep] off with it."

Oh, you're right. There was jelly

and a loaf of wonder bread and a toaster--

No. It was just jelly.

Hey, let's get a trustee

to clean all the cars later today.

Let's get a fresh start, fresh start tomorrow.

Tomorrow is the first day

of our not [beep] off each other with jelly in the car.

It's beautiful.

Wow!

We did it.

Good job, guys.

Good job, everybody.

I honestly think it's probably the best thing we've ever done.

What time does the parade start?

I think 1:00.

What time is it?

It's, uh, 1:15.

we forgot. Oh, my God.

Dress uniforms.

We got to be in Carson 15 minutes ago!

Hit it.

We're actually making pretty good time, I think!

I have to pee!

We're not stopping to pee!

You should have-- everyone should have peed

before we got on!

Where are we in the parade? Do we know?

- I think we're number one. - really?

We're supposed to-- We're the opener?

damn it.

We're the opener. Hit it!

Are we sure we went the right way?

At some point

we'll see signs for Carson City, I'm sure!