Original subtitles

Today, we're testing a brand new riot control device

called a handheld rocket launched riot net

made of nylon and steel reinforced cables.

It comes out about 300 feet per second.

Basically designed to stop a mob of 20 to 50 drug-crazed people.

Today, we're going to test it on the local high school team

'and, uh, you're going to see its effects.'

- Go ahead, Junior. - Ready, boys?

Blue! On two!

Hike!

Ugh! Get off me! Argh!

Stop! I'm the police! Get on the ground! Freeze!

What! What!

- There's a tornado. - No!

Hell, no! We won't go!

- Yeah! - Are you my friend?

'Good morning.'

- Morning. - Good morning.

'As you know'

our undercover operations

have resulted in one arrest.

Yay!

'Two shootings'

'six stabbings'

and 71 cases that fell apart

in front of the grand jury.

Nobody buys us out in the street

'cause they can smell that we're pigs from a mile away.

'We've got to do better'

and to that end''

we have a very special instructor today.

From the Los Angeles Police Department

their undercover acting coach.

'Please give your full attention'

to Sergeant Clift of the Los Angeles Police Department.

Sergeant Clift.

Good morning.

I've been sent here to teach you

basically, how to act, I have a week to do it.

Anybody familiar with a little movie

called "Terminator 3"?

- Oh! - Wow!

I had a speaking role in that movie.

"I'm not going in there, sarge."

'Oh, yeah!'

Oh, wow!

I'm going to make you cops "and" actors

like me and let me say

the best of this group

will be coming back to Hollywood with me.

- What? - I'm kidding.

That's not happening. Go there on your own. I did.

When I was a teenager, I'd do a lot of things

I'm not proud of, but you know what?

I got work. Okay?

'Well, let's just go through some exercises, shall we?'

Ok, let's loosen up the mouth.

Problem with the rest of the class?

Don't wanna participate?

I did this this morning

before you guys showed up.

Right. Well, that means you're dead!

You're dead!

On the ground. Show us dead.

If you can't do it with us here

how are you gonna do it on the street?

That's gonna get you killed, mister.

You're not even dead. Your head's up.

Does anybody believe he's dead?

- No. - Nope.

- You think you're dead? - No.

Then what are you?

Confused.

- Don't even look. - Don't even look.

Oh, my God!

I guess there was some kind of hold-up in the bird act

and, uh...

Must've got up to 110 degrees.

There was a panic in the clown car.

They're cooked inside!

You might wanna tell the child to avert his eyes.

- Ohh! - Ohh!

Oh, no!

Oh, God! Ohh!

- Oh! - Oh!

Oh, the smell.

Oh, God almighty.

Ohh!

Whoo!

Oh, ho! Oh, God! Why?

- Please look down... - Oh, my God!

On this tiny little car.

I always thought there was some sort of trick to this.

No, they just all jam in there.

They just all jam in there.

You gotta be kidding me.

I gotta, I'll be honest.

Now this is just impressive.

I got an idea.

We'll line up the corpses by type.

Hobo clowns

Cirque du Soleil-style

ring master-types

and animal theme.

- Where's this one go? - Uh--

Hobo or ring master? 'Cause he's kinda--

He's got, he's got with patches.

Damn it. He's a hobo ring master.

Last one!

'Alright, let's toss him on the pile of corpses.'

'One, two, three!'

'Aw, missed! [beep]. Get him again.'

- 'Pick him up.' - 'Pick him up. You got him?'

- Yeah. - Yeah.

'One, two, three!'

'Overshot. Get him again.'

'Okay, page 33.'

"The Odd Couple."

I want you to play Felix and you play Oscar. Okay?

Now, this is the scene where the Pidgeon sisters have left

and you're both very sad about it

but there's a mess.

Okay? And action.

- Who's gonna clean-- - No, hold it.

Where are we starting?

No, let's just start right there on that line.

Action.

I say, who's gonna clean this up?

He's not black. Felix isn't black.

He can be. It's a choice.

It's not a choice. She doesn't have a choice.

And there was a black "Odd Couple." I saw it.

Can you tell the black guy to be quiet while I'm doing my scene?

Yeah, there was a black "Honeymooners," too.

Didn't make no money.

Oh, for crying out loud.

Again with this, huh?

- Hey! Uh-uh! No! Uh-uh! - Yeah. Yeah, you do.

Well, we got some new challengers here.

No, no, no, no, no. You don't got challengers.

I already beat everybody in the subdivision!

You ready to bring it, brothers?

You can't be wrestling back here.

I smell what both of you are cookin'.

We're cookin' up a no-holds-barred

steel cage royal rumble, brothers.

No, we're cooking up arrest on assault and breaking

11-year-old children, who are in no condition

to be fighting a 40-year-old man.

I'll let you use all these weapons.

Bring any foreign object.

It's no-holds-barred. Everything goes.

We don't need your permission to use all these weapons!

- Do you really wanna wrestle? - Yeah! Come on, mustache!

You wanna wrestle somebody who's not a 120-pound

11-year-old boy and break his liver?

- Let's go, mustache! - You wanna go?

Real rules, we're going, we're going Olympic-style.

- Whoo! - Let's go Olympic-style.

- Just bring it. - And... go.

- Tag it! - Come on now, show off!

I'll show you how to wrestle, brother.

Aah! Aah, timeout!

- Tag it! Tag it! - That's how we do it.

Ah, [beep]. We're gonna end up on YouTube again.

I wouldn't, you know, I would never wanna be an actor.

I think being famous like Alf

and not being able to go out into public

would be so difficult.

I was cast in the fifth grade

in, uh, "Oliver" as the pear

and I didn't find out until opening night

that there was no pear

in "Oliver."

I should have known better.

Okay, we may never use this, but it's important

that we trust each other.

How do we do that? With the trust fall.

Junior.

You're supposed to catch him.

I'm sorry. I should have mentioned that.

We should go over all this stuff before.

That's the trust part of it. That he trusts you to catch him.

Okay, so, trust catches.

Let's call them that.

Our friends at the Washoe County Animal Shelter

have lots of furry friends who are currently available

for adoption.

This little fellow right here is named Diablo.

Yeah, the devil.

He's got a pretty good disposition but he's probably

not good for a family with small children.

Diablo was used...

Diablo was used to guard

a laboratory making crystal methamphetamine

so, he's a little jumpy around

law enforcement-types.

And he doesn't seem to like black folks.

But he's available

and he has lots of love to give

to a white, childless family

that doesn't make any sudden movements.

Ho! Oh, alright.

One of the great things, one of the best things

that Sergeant Clift is teaching us in the acting classes

is no matter what happens in the scene

you say, "yes."

That's what you do. You-you keep it going.

And then that way, you can work that into undercover work.

No matter what happens, you say, "Yes, I am."

For example, you wanna come to my house see my mini-fridge?

No.

'Hey, man.'

What's going on?

I'm just selling the meth.

Yeah. That's cool.

My old lady's hooked on the junk

and, uh, I gotta get her some real bad.

Are you a cop?

No way, man. Not me.

I [beep] hate those cops, those pigs, man.

In fact, I've been on the inside.

'What joint were you in?'

Sit down. Thank you.

Make up something if you don't know something.

I can think of them now. I-I can--

'Now you can, but it doesn't matter now because why?'

Because you're dead.

Hey, man. What you need?

Uh... I-I need the good stuff.

This is funny, you don't look like a guy who would be

doin' this kind of stuff.

'Listen, man, listen.'

You don't, you don't know where I've been.

- Yeah, I do. - No, you don't.

I do.

It's me, man.

It's me, Jimmy.

Dad?

Yeah, dad.

I'm sorry, I'm sorry I wasn't there for you

'and I'm sorry for what I've become.'

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

'Dad, dad!'

'I'm sorry.'

Scene?

Scene.

Oh, my God.

I am happy to be your father in that scene.

- That was an honor for me. - 'Thank you.'

And you know what, I never saw Schwarzenegger

do anything even close to that.

- Who? - 'S-Schwarzenegger.'

Arnold Schwarzenegger.

Oh, I thought you said something else.

I thought you said Schwarz-[beep].

Yeah.

You know, you're great i-in these acting classes.

- Oh, thanks. Thanks. - I'm shocked.

Do you want to, um, work on a love scene?

- You wanna improv one? - Alright.

I'll improv a scene with you. Just to practice our--

Just for, yeah, just for practice.

Practice our improv. Alright. Sure.

That's perfect, 'cause it's something I would never do,

so it's l-let's, let's practice.

Great.

You start.

So, hot night, ain't it?

You wanna see my tits?

There's a-a-a Judy Garland impersonator

who's locked herself in the bathroom.

She's going crazy. She won't come out.

I have people waiting.

- 'She's been like this for--' - Showtime!

Showtime!

- Ms. Garland? - 'What do you want?'

A room that is almost... three quarters full--

But a full three quarters full!

Well, then maybe my heart is three quarters full.

I'm not going out there!

That is hotel property, ma'am!

- Destroyed. - You are on the clock.

- Ms. Garland-- - Oh, it broke! It broke!

Yeah, this is coming out of your profits now.

I-I never wanted to break the plant!

- I mean-- - Look.

There's two kinds of people in the world.

Regular, dirty... laborers...

No, awful, awful people.

- And stars. - I'm one of those.

Yeah, and you know, you know what stars do?

They sprinkle.

- Mm-hmm. - He means twinkle.

- You mean twinkle, right? - I don't sprinkle.

♪ Sprinkle sprinkle little ♪

- Don't call her little. - Yeah, do twinkle, twinkle.

Do you know what it takes to make a star?

I'm not su... Oh, God!

'She can't perform right now.'

This is, I'm screwed. This is it. I'm done.

- I'm fired. - Sir!

Can we interest you

in an amateur but very, very polished performance...

Of "Big River"?

- "Big River," the musical? - Yeah.

Huck

Nigger Jim.

♪ Oh look out for me ♪

♪ Oh mighty water ♪

♪ Your mysteries are deep and wide ♪

And I got a need for goin'--

Get out there! Get out there right now!

♪ I got a need to climb upon your back and ride ♪

♪ And I may be down in pain and sorrow! ♪

It's a shame we don't have mirrors in here.

Rather sad, uh, day.

We've been invited to a wake at the residence of Big Mike.

- damn it. - Just let it out.

- Mike. - Hey, hey, Jimbo.

So how are you?

Lieutenant. Good to see you, buddy.

Thank you for coming, everyone

to celebrate this loss

this tragedy, so young

such a sweet one

and it's all gone.

I don't know if I ever told you, but bottomless cup today.

Five dollars though gets you, buys the cup.

We're not paying for beer.

It's not like I'm getting money for beer

but the cups are 5.

You can go right now, spend 20 for the whole day

'cause we're gonna raffle off that bike later.

And then, the dance later on that we're having later

we got the Christmas lights still in part of the tree.

We're gonna turn 'em all on.

Everybody dances!

I can't remember the last time I had a raffle

and a dance at a wake.

And then, just take your gifts put 'em right on the gift table.

Oh, you have gifts, too?

Who's the presents for...?

Presents for... g-grief.

I'm not, I'm sorry.

But I'm not clear on what your deceased is.

- The deceased is a tragedy. - Mm-hmm.

Damn it.

Here's to my son.

'Maybe he's like his son?'

Big Mike, you do not have a son.

- 'You don't have a son, Mike.' - Mmm, I think I do.

What... That's just sick and cold [bleep] hearted!

'How dare you!'

You keep pornography in the coffin?

If Sergeant Clift were a better actor

he could have quit being a cop.

He wouldn't have to do these dumb seminars.

That's true. That's how I feel about my potholder business.

If that had gone well

I wouldn't have to be doing all this.

I didn't know you had a potholder business.

Yeah, see? Nobody does. That's the problem.

'Alright, let's take a little drive.'

Whatcha gonna do with... all the land, Billy?

I'm probably going to sell it, Johnny

and buy some crystal methamphetamine.

Are you selling any?

No, that would be illegal.

Are you just saying that because you're trying to sell me

'some crystal methamphetamine?'

A-are you asking me? Is that a question or a statement?

But if you're halfway, it's not really either, okay?

Are we going to score some crystal methamphetamine?

- See what I'm saying? - Is your arm broken?

Yeah, I don't know what that is either.

- 'Or are you out the window?' - I-I'm out the window.

The window's up here and the door handle was down here

so what kind of car is that?

I mean, that's space work. Space work is simple.

Everybody's been doing space work all day.

Yeah, I've never seen a car like that.

Everybody's coming along except you, okay?

Here's good, here's crap

here's you looking up at crap.

You told us to call him on it when he goes to anger

you just to anger again.

I didn't just go to anger, I'm really [beep] angry!

- Okay, okay, okay. Hold it. - You only have one choice.

- Use it! - I pantomimed the [beep] door.

I rolled down the window, I stuck my hand out.

When we go on undercover stings

we're going to have an actual car.

'You can't take criticism!'

What are you going to do with that land, Billy?

I'm going to buy some crystal methamphetamine with it

'cause my daddy makes me sick!

That's what I'm talking about.

'That is a standing-O, my friend.'

'Take a bow. Yes.'

Look at me

all dressed in my beautiful prom dress

and ready to go to the prom.

Susie, I am the ghost of drunk driving.

'You won't be going to the dance tonight'

because you died drunk driving

on your way to the dance tonight.

- To drink. - Mm-hmm?

I only had four drinks.

Oh, but I only had four delicious rum drinks

'and they were so delicious.'

You're no longer dressed for the prom.

Now you're dressed... for hell.

Where drunk drivers go, hell.

- Scene. - Scene.

Any questions? Miss?

Is one of your nuts smaller than the other?

Yes.

Let me just say I am so proud of you people.

Alright, everybody got their character?

Gwen Johnson, career criminal.

- With nothing to lose. - Nice.

Rita from Fresno and I'm afraid of enclosed spaces.

- Good. - Enrique Valdez.

- From Arlington, Texas. - I like it.

Pope Jones, fresh off the bus from Trekkie.

Alright. People, let's buy some meth.

Let's make a bust.

Don't ever show 'em the stuff, until you see the money.

Hey, how you doing, poppy?

Dude, it's the cops, man.

- 'What's going on?' - Cops! Cops!

'Come in! Come in!'

Hey, go! Go! Go! Go! Cherisha, go!

You bastards!

I taught you everything you know!

"Terminator" films.

- I think I'm thinking-- - Seminal? What does--

- Most important. Yeah. - Oh.

Oh, well, yeah. Yeah.

That's the one with the liquid metal.

I think I'm thinking of the right one.

Which one is the one with the liquid metal guy?

I think it's 3.

- Two. Oh. - Oh.

I don't know if I've seen 3.

So we actually finally got a copy

of "Terminator 3

Rise of the Machines."

Featuring... Sergeant Clift.

Alright. Hit it.

- Get him, Terminator. Get him! - Come on! Get him! Come on!

Is he a real guy or is he a monster?

- He's a terminator. - He's the terminator

It's complicated. It's very complicated.

No time. There's no time to explain.

There's no time to explain. You should have seen 1 and 2.

'I'm not going in there, sarge.'

- Whoa. - damn it, he's good.

- 'Yeah, yeah.' - He's good.

- A ring. - That was my daddy's.

Might be a little big for you, but we could get a chain

and put it around that neck of yours.

I want to be your daddy.

I want you to be my mama.

Yes! Yes!

A thousand times, yes!

Oh, my God!

Their dream is over.