Original subtitles

Oh! Come on, now! Oh!

What's this? What's going on?

You boys do this?

Oh, right. You didn't do this?

Well, who did?

Go! Freeze! Get on the ground!

Alright.

Tornado!

Hell no, we won't go!

Yeah!

Get a nice ride!

Now!

Ah, that new Greek tanning place?

'Santorini tan'

is doing, uh, half-off for law enforcement.

You get half off of any tanning

or, uh... What they call speed tanning.

I have an announcement to make!

Suck my big black [bleep]!

I won to [bleep] lotto!

I won the [bleep] lotto!

I am a millionaire!

And I don't have to sit here anymore

and listen to your bull

you [bleep] crazy [bleep]!

you! [bleep] you! you!

Suck my

you mother sucker!

Argh!

'Yes!'

"03-06-14-18-46-51."

Okay, that was a misprint. Okay.

Everybody had that.

Apparently they printed

uh, thousands, thousands of them.

- 'Everybody--' - Yeah, that ha... It happens.

Put suck your on my to-do list for me.

Uh, when I said that out loud, it was, um--

Oh, I'm so sorry not everybody's here.

'Cause what I want to say I wanted to say

to all of you butt bloats all at once...

- 'Alright?' - 'Um-hmm.'

You people have been blisters on my taint

and not just blisters, but in-grown hairs.

And yes, there's cabernet in this cup, alright?

I won the lottery last night.

You know why? 'Cause I willed it to happen.

'Huh?'

I'm gonna go out and snort coke

off a black man's behind.

Uh, you didn't hear about this?

"3-6-14-18-46-51"?

- 'Yes.' - 'Yeah.'

'They printed 3000 of them.'

But, um, there is some coke in evidence

and Jones is a pretty good sport.

Nice coat. Is it real?

You don't have to... Don't...

Aw... yeah, baby!

Oh, suck it! Suck it!

'Guess who won the lotto? Guess!'

you, mother[bleep].

you!

For the record, you're the second person to come in

and tell us to suck your black [bleep].

'Who else did?'

- Sheriff's department! - Sheriff's department!

Sir, sir, do you have any other attire?

- You alright? - You alright?

This is loud What is my attire--

- Are you okay, sir? - ...he hit me over the head!

Settle down. Calm down.

- Sir, take a breath. - Okay.

Breathe in, then breathe it out.

- Alright. - Let it in, let it out.

- You good? - Yeah.

- Did you call? - Yes.

You called?

My lover Sidney hit me over the head

with my bicentennial commemorative plate

that was a gift from my good friend Cheryl Ladd.

Cheryl Ladd? My goodness.

- The Cheryl Ladd? - Yes!

Star of stage and screen and calendar.

Now, did he toss you out without your pants?

- Without your clothes? - This is a swimsuit.

- Gotcha. Swimsuit. - Swimwear.

- Here's the deal. - Okay, let's get that straight.

- Okay? - You sure you're okay?

There's a hell of a lot of blood in there.

We'll take Sidney away but you got to tell us where he is.

We'll pick him up, we'll take him away.

He's in the bag. Yeah.

I chopped him up.

In you go. Say, uh, Travis?

'Sir, yes, sir?'

Where are you putting Sidney, by the way?

- Trunk's full. - Trunk's full?

Sidney's getting shotgun.

Oh!

Hey, don't take it the wrong way that I'd rather sit up here

with the dismembered corpse of your lover than with you

it's just that I don't want to get arms around me.

'Okay, excuse me, officers.'

Okay, I just need to tell you right now,

Alright, that this is not what it looks like.

I came here to ask you a couple of questions.

- Well, go ahead. - Okay.

- Hypothetically speaking-- - Yes?

Hypothetically speaking, okay.

Make-believe.

- Make-believe, right. - Okay.

- Make-believe. - Make-believe.

If one were to come across

a wheelbarrow like this, okay?

And this wheelbarrow may have been

involved in some kind of illicit activity

that may involve two or three people wearing masks

and one of them may happen to work

at the metro casino.

That's neither here nor there.

I came diligently looking for you.

Thank God I... I won't touch you, officer

but I would... But if I could, I would hug you.

Looking for you just to show you

that this could indeed be contraband

involving people.

And if in... Let me ask you this.

If indeed this was contraband...

Yes.

...and it were involving people...

Yes.

...would all of the people involved

would they all get in trouble?

Yes.

That's what they're born to do.

'Hold up. Who's that?'

Is that Jim?

'What the hell?'

What's up, guys?

- 'Yo!' - How's it going?

What are you... What are you doing?

How's crime tonight?

How's the rhyme tonight?

I don't even...

Terry, what are you doing...

What are you doing with a cop car?

I bought the car at Cop Car Mart.

- I got the-- - Cop Car Mart?

The uniform at Uniform Junction.

I...

And then I got a gun

from Everybody Buying A Gun Tonight

the gun store.

I saw a monster... I thought I saw a monster.

- Okay, we're good. - Stop it!

There's no bullets in it!

Okay. Okay, okay.

Alright. Knock it off!

- Knock it off! - Stop it, Terry.

I thought there were no bullets.

'What the [bleep], Terry.'

- Hi. - Oh, Jesus.

- What the [bleep] was that? - 'Jim.'

- What was in that rag? - Are you alright?

We don't chloroform our friends.

Uh, he's been doing coke back here.

Did you see this?

Look, he's got powder all over his nose.

I've been baking a cake for you guys as a surprise.

Right here! Right here!

Oh, that's supposed to be him.

I'm in charge of a youth group.

I've-I've been leading them out here

on a 3-day weekend excursion into the wilderness.

It's a find-yourself excursion.

Find-yourself excursion.

Kind of a chance for me and the boys

to get in touch with nature again.

Uh-huh, super.

- And, um... - Okay, super.

I'm not sure where they are.

Oh, my goodness.

How many... How many boys did you say?

- Uh... - Youth group.

- Uh, roughly about 45. - 45?

You've misplaced 45 young boys?

- Well... - No, no, no!

Don't panic! Don't panic! Don't panic!

Can you describe the boys?

Oh, they're... Well, they're all blonde.

Um, they're very kind of light-skinned.

Most of them have kind of a hazel-tint to their eyes.

Like in the Abercrombie-Fitch ads.

Are we talking like Abercrombie-Fitch boys?

- Exactly, exactly! - They're in the spring.

They just went swimming in the spring--

So we're looking for 45

oldest is 14-year-old Abercrombie and Fitch

kind of shirtless tow-headed Aryan type.

There's a... Yeah.

I think it's all shrooms.

Did you take any mushrooms with that?

- Mm-hmm. - Yeah. How many?

Stems and caps? The whole things?

Whole thing. Found a whole clove of 'em up on that ridge.

- Right up there? - 'Mm-hmm.'

Uh, here's what we're gonna do.

We're gonna leave you cuffed here.

- 'Alright.' - Ride it out.

- Right? - Mmm.

Yeah, ride it out!

- I'm good! - Ride it out!

Woo!

Hey, Joe, can you tell I'm wearing a thong?

I've never worn one before.

Sheriff's department.

Sheriff's department! Is the owner here?

Yeah, I'm the owner. Can I help you?

Yeah. We have a little problem we need to talk about.

- Really? - We got a big problem.

Yeah, we got a real big problem.

Is it about the foot in the bag?

- Uh, no, it's-- - A foot in a bag?

No. Okay, never mind that.

Is it about the quonset hut full of hookers?

No, ma'am. We got a serious--

- You have a quonset? - 'Never mind.'

Forget I ever said that!

And I hope you're not here for the ruffy incident

'cause I think that's all cleared up.

- Right... - Okay.

- Uh... - Okay?

Alright, now, you talk about a ruffy incident.

Now, again, I'm gonna have to ask you, how long ago was this?

Because we're not here for that, frankly.

It was a very long time ago.

Okay.

Many people can't remember it.

- Good enough for us. - Good.

W-well, what we're actually here for is, um...

We appreciate that you're sponsoring

the young ladies softball team--

Thank you!

But the t-shirts

are not appropriate for the girls.

'These are young girls.'

Fine.

Should have said that when you came in.

- Well, alright. - Good day.

Good day.

That turned out to be easier than I thought.

Have you ever worn a thong?

- No, I haven't. - Oh, good God. This thing...

It's almost like I can't breathe.

Even when my breathing parts

are up here. I know they're not down here.

I really don't want to talk about your thong.

'You don't have to talk about it.'

'I'm talking about it. You're supposed to listen.'

Oh, well, that's not as bad as I expected.

Jim had a little tanning booth accident.

We're here to visit him.

Jim, you look terrific!

'I was expecting much worse!'

I mean, this is like a surface... burn.

Ooh, you are tense.

Jesus, Jim. What have you been doing?

Woo! Woo! You've been lifting.

He's been lifting.

I'm gonna check you for a do-do, okay?

I'm gonna roll you over and check you here.

Uh-oh! Peek-a-boo!

We got a turtle!

Can you work that one out, sweetie?

We'll wait while till that one works itself out

God bless him.

God bless your little heart.

Would it make you feel better if I stripped down

into just my adult diaper, too?

'cause I'll do that for you, Jim, I will.

I am that kind of friend.

What can I do for you?

Uh, well, I just thought I'd pull you over.

You were veering over the line a little bit into the other lane

'and then veering back, so I just thought'

maybe I'd pull you over, have a little chat.

Well, you're looking awful good tonight.

I know that. Would you please step out of the vehicle, please?

'Spring break?'

No, no, no, no.

Actually, some of that's from yesterday.

Did you used to dance at a place

called The Raging Kitten?

I did!

My goodness. You've got to--

Why do you remember that?

You've got a mole right on the other side of your nipple.

Yes, I do.

'I'd tell you what?'

I've had some table dances in my day

but I don't believe I've ever had anything

that could top that.

Oh, misty-water-colored memories, huh?

Are you seeing anybody?

You're not married anymore, are you?

I was never officially married, no.

Anyway, um...

What, you're 5 miles away from the airport?

- Uh... - What can happen?

You wouldn't be doing it

if you didn't think you could handle it.

And quite honestly, I drive great when I'm a little...

You know?

I'm not sure I don't fly just a little bit better

you know what I mean?

Takes the nerve out of it.

You don't overthink things, you know?

Doesn't look like a lot of traffic up there, huh?

Nothing up there to hit.

Is there a Missus... Captain?

Well...

Uh... no.

No?

I'll take that to mean yes.

Okay, look, I should cite you

I should haul you in, but I like your style.

Just make this... Actually, I'm not gonna give you

my phone number.

I got one word for you, one clue...

Karaoke.

'That's it.'

If you want me, you find me.

It's fine.

'He's good. I... I'm...'

'Well...'

'Hey, Cindy.'

- 'Hi.' - Hi.

Did you tell someone in the drunk tank to tap that?

- Did you tell them that? - I did! I learned it today!

Okay, you know what?

The next time you see someone that you like

don't say that to them when they are in that metal cage--

- Oh. - Okay.

To the people in the cages. Don't say that.

And when they say, "Can I have some lotion?"

- Uh-huh - You say, "No."

- No lotion. - 'No.'

'Cause now I have a mess to clean up.

- So no lotion. - Okay.

And no, "tap that."

Only special friends you'd say "tap that" to.

Okay.

I know that you're, you're held up here

in a bad state

but I got you some entertainment.

I brought you some entertainment, yeah.

Are you ready? Ready?

Oh!

♪ Jim Dangle ♪ ♪ Oh ♪

♪ Jim Dangle ♪ ♪ Oh ♪ ♪ Jim Dangle ♪ ♪ Oh ♪

♪ Jim Dangle ♪ ♪ Oh ♪

♪ Tanning bed ♪

♪ Jim Dangle ♪

- He look like he like it. - 'Yeah.'

He liked it. Ha!

Hi. I'm from the Reno Sheriff's Department.

Our friends at the Washoe County Animal Shelter

have lots of little friends who are currently available

for adoption.

This is Koko.

'She's a South American macaw'

'who's got a lot of love to give'

and she shows it by singing.

Just listen to Koko's enthusiasm.

That high-pitched screech is her way of saying I love you

and she says it quite a bit.

Koko's looking for a good family

a patient or possibly hearing-impaired people.

So if you're interested, come on down right away

before someone else takes this precious little bird

back to their nest.

Ah! [bleep] Ah. Son of a bitch.

Three left turn signals do not a right turn signal make

dip[bleep].

Missed me, you little asswipe.

you, pig.

Jesus [bleep]! Somebody [bleep]!

'I like working here so much.'

- You like working here? - Mm-hmm.

Nobody even try to have sex with me today.

It's so nice.

No, no, no, no.

You know what? But they might try.

But you know what? Let me tell you what you can say.

Hell no!

Like that? Like that one?

Yeah, but don't smile after.

'Cause if you go, "Hell no!"

And you smile, they gonna be like

they gonna think you really want to do it.

So you have to keep-keep-keep it like a face like this.

Okay. Hell no!

No way I have sex with you for money.

Uh-uh. I don't do that no more.

I don't have sex for no money no more, honey.

You-you teach me a lot.

You teach me so much.

"And wilt thou bring me unto dust again?"

Hmm?

"Hast thou not poured me out as milk

and curdled me like cheese?"

See, it's gonna be alright?

You got nothing to worry about.

Nice, nice.

It's your friend Jonesy.

He knows what it's like to have skin

that's different from everybody else

and he's doing just fine, huh?

Do you mind if I have, have a moment alone...

You, um...

...with-with Jim?

- Alright. - Okay.

Hey, Jim.

Did you enjoy your chloroform nap?

Huh?

Yeah.

Listen, [bleep].

You sexually harass me one more time

I have ample amounts of chloroform

and I have plenty of time.

Shut up. Shut up. Sit there.

Help!

Hola.

♪ Surprise ♪

♪ Hey ♪ ♪ We love you ♪

♪ Hey ♪ ♪ Surprise ♪

♪ We love you ♪ ♪ Hey ♪ ♪ We love you ♪ ♪ Hey ♪

♪ We're here to bring some cheer ♪

♪ We hear you're little gloomy ♪

♪ We want to make you happy ♪

♪ Let's make it snappy ♪

♪ We're here you're clear ♪

♪ We're here ♪ ♪ You're clear ♪

♪ We're here ♪ ♪ You're clear ♪

♪ We're here ♪ ♪ You're clear ♪ ♪ We're here ♪ ♪ You're clear ♪

Yay!

- Alright! - No.

They, uh, they pulled your blue cross

and we're gonna have to get you out of here.

Everybody-everybody try to be real gentle.

Here we go!

Real gentle. Real gentle.

Real gentle.

- You got him? - Yeah.

Real gentle. Real gentle.

'He's hot! [bleep] damn, he's hot!'

Yeah, he's hot.

- Put him down! Put him down! - Put him down! Put him down!

- Damn! You got him? - Get him up!

Alright. Okay, we got him.

That's a good man.

- That's a good man. - Okay!

It's like "Weekend at Bernie's"

except you're alive and you'd rather be dead.

Pivot him. We can get him out if we pivot him this way.

And then pivot him that way.

Oh, looking good, boss!

I'm not gonna beat around the bush.

I, uh, won a lotto and, uh, wanted to say that, uh...

My good friend Roy Becker and I will be going out

on an Alaskan cruise for four days.

And I will be back to work as usual on Friday morning.

And I bought a rascal so my mom can buy her groceries

on her own now. So...

- Congratulations. - Congratulations.

Thank you very much.

Moving right along, what today?

Today is Monday.

Oh, which means the new shower policy is in effect.