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1
00:00:07,090 --> 00:00:08,257
James Petrie Washington
2
00:00:08,258 --> 00:00:09,550
we have a warrant
for your arrest!
3
00:00:09,551 --> 00:00:11,051
Come out
with your hands up!
4
00:00:11,052 --> 00:00:12,219
'Oh, what the
do you want?'
5
00:00:12,220 --> 00:00:14,263
Come out
with your hands up!
6
00:00:14,264 --> 00:00:16,765
We have a warrant
for your arrest!
7
00:00:16,766 --> 00:00:18,058
- Open the door!
- Open the door!
8
00:00:18,059 --> 00:00:19,184
- Travis, do it! Do it! Do it!
- Go! Go! Go!
9
00:00:28,486 --> 00:00:29,945
Can we have
our battering ram back?
10
00:00:29,946 --> 00:00:31,823
- Whoa!
- Oh, poop.
11
00:00:43,293 --> 00:00:45,294
{\an8}Oh!
12
00:00:45,295 --> 00:00:48,338
{\an8}- You're not allowed on that!
- What? What?
13
00:00:51,968 --> 00:00:53,928
{\an8}- There's a tornado!
- No, no!
14
00:00:55,263 --> 00:00:57,932
{\an8}hell, no!
We won't go!
15
00:00:59,267 --> 00:01:01,185
{\an8}Yeah!
16
00:01:01,186 --> 00:01:02,896
{\an8}No, no, no!
He's my friend!
17
00:01:16,910 --> 00:01:21,372
{\an8}Officers of the new
Iraqi police force.
18
00:01:24,417 --> 00:01:29,296
I cannot express
how proud we are
19
00:01:29,297 --> 00:01:32,633
that we shall be
training you this week.
20
00:01:32,634 --> 00:01:36,386
We understand the sacrifice
that you are making
21
00:01:36,387 --> 00:01:38,347
boldly putting
your lives on the line
22
00:01:38,348 --> 00:01:42,351
for a better future
for your people.
23
00:01:42,352 --> 00:01:44,520
We may look different
on the outside.
24
00:01:44,521 --> 00:01:49,358
- Wait! I'm late. Sorry.
- But on the inside...
25
00:01:49,359 --> 00:01:50,484
- Uh, sorry.
- Hi.
26
00:01:50,485 --> 00:01:52,986
I'm the translator.
27
00:01:52,987 --> 00:01:56,448
I'm late. Sorry.
Um, they don't speak English.
28
00:01:56,449 --> 00:01:58,075
Oh, poop. Really?
29
00:01:59,494 --> 00:02:01,245
oh. I just did, like,
a whole crowd...
30
00:02:01,246 --> 00:02:03,372
Um, did anybody remember
what I was saying?
31
00:02:03,373 --> 00:02:05,666
Something about peace.
32
00:02:05,667 --> 00:02:06,375
{\an8}We're psyched
you're here.
33
00:02:09,212 --> 00:02:10,379
{\an8}Uh, uh, Garcia and Johnson
34
00:02:10,380 --> 00:02:12,840
{\an8}are gonna teach you
a bunch of cop stuff.
35
00:02:14,592 --> 00:02:16,510
{\an8}Uh, you can take this
back to Iraq.
36
00:02:17,262 --> 00:02:19,346
{\an8}And make it
not so horrible.
37
00:02:22,475 --> 00:02:23,851
{\an8}What's he say?
38
00:02:23,852 --> 00:02:25,435
{\an8}No, he like your moustache.
It's straight. It's nice.
39
00:02:25,436 --> 00:02:27,396
{\an8}Mmm. Nice.
40
00:02:27,397 --> 00:02:30,858
{\an8}So, here's where
we start paying in sweat.
41
00:02:30,859 --> 00:02:31,900
{\an8}Okay.
42
00:02:39,284 --> 00:02:40,909
{\an8}Oh [bleep]!
43
00:02:40,910 --> 00:02:43,704
Oh, oh, oh!
Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!
44
00:02:43,705 --> 00:02:45,414
Put 'em down!
Put 'em on the [bleep] ground!
45
00:02:45,415 --> 00:02:47,624
On the ground!
Whoo! Okay.
46
00:02:47,625 --> 00:02:50,002
We should probably clear.
There's lead coming down.
47
00:02:50,003 --> 00:02:51,086
At some point soon.
48
00:02:51,087 --> 00:02:52,380
- Yeah?
- Yeah.
49
00:02:58,970 --> 00:02:59,970
{\an8}- Hello!
- Oh!
50
00:02:59,971 --> 00:03:01,471
{\an8}- Hold on, there!
- Hold on, hold on.
51
00:03:01,472 --> 00:03:02,431
{\an8}Sir, sir, sir!
Calm down.
52
00:03:02,432 --> 00:03:04,725
- Calm down.
- Whoo!
53
00:03:04,726 --> 00:03:05,934
- Calm down, sir.
- Okay. Alright.
54
00:03:07,020 --> 00:03:08,604
Sir, what seems
to be the problem?
55
00:03:08,605 --> 00:03:10,439
I just,
I just need some money!
56
00:03:10,440 --> 00:03:11,607
What's with the boxing gloves?
57
00:03:11,608 --> 00:03:12,441
- You don't have a gun?
- No!
58
00:03:12,442 --> 00:03:14,318
You're not using any weapons, sir?
59
00:03:14,319 --> 00:03:16,612
No! I don't need
some more weapons!
60
00:03:16,613 --> 00:03:17,404
These are fist bombs!
61
00:03:17,405 --> 00:03:21,074
Fist bombs
right here, baby!
62
00:03:21,075 --> 00:03:23,285
Sir, it's a whole lot easier
to hold the store up if you have
63
00:03:23,286 --> 00:03:24,786
a weapon of some kind,
maybe a firearm.
64
00:03:24,787 --> 00:03:26,788
I don't want,
okay let's...
65
00:03:26,789 --> 00:03:28,999
That's wrong
with America!
66
00:03:29,000 --> 00:03:30,459
You all want
to kill people!
67
00:03:30,460 --> 00:03:35,297
I just wanted to knock
him out and take the money.
68
00:03:36,424 --> 00:03:38,091
- Alright.
- Alright.
69
00:03:38,092 --> 00:03:39,093
Take this!
70
00:03:41,095 --> 00:03:42,638
Candy shock!
71
00:03:42,639 --> 00:03:43,931
Enough!
72
00:03:43,932 --> 00:03:46,475
Stop it! Calm down!
73
00:03:46,476 --> 00:03:48,352
'Okay. Calm down.'
74
00:03:48,353 --> 00:03:52,981
- 'Oh! Careful! Careful!'
- 'Hey!'
75
00:03:52,982 --> 00:03:54,441
- Don't get in my face.
- Don't you pull that.
76
00:03:54,442 --> 00:03:55,525
- I'm not pulling anything.
- 'He's not gonna pull it.'
77
00:03:55,526 --> 00:03:57,945
- I'm not pulling it.
- Real men use their hands.
78
00:03:57,946 --> 00:04:00,280
- What?
- Real men...
79
00:04:00,281 --> 00:04:03,533
Use their hands!
80
00:04:03,534 --> 00:04:04,993
Are you deaf?
81
00:04:04,994 --> 00:04:06,495
- Give me the gloves.
- Karate.
82
00:04:06,496 --> 00:04:07,412
- Give my partner the gloves.
- I'll show you a lesson.
83
00:04:07,413 --> 00:04:10,207
I'll show you a lesson, alright?
Come here.
84
00:04:10,208 --> 00:04:10,999
Give me that. Let's go.
85
00:04:11,000 --> 00:04:14,002
- Ring the bell. Ding!
- Ding.
86
00:04:14,003 --> 00:04:14,503
Here we go.
87
00:04:16,547 --> 00:04:18,674
Aah! Oh! Okay.
88
00:04:18,675 --> 00:04:20,342
Put the money
in the bag. Put it.
89
00:04:20,343 --> 00:04:22,511
Give it. Give it.
Give me. Give me.
90
00:04:22,512 --> 00:04:24,472
That is awesome!
Okay.
91
00:04:28,101 --> 00:04:30,228
{\an8}It's always sad
when someone dies, huh?
92
00:04:32,105 --> 00:04:35,649
{\an8}This young man
was driving drunk
93
00:04:35,650 --> 00:04:37,526
comma
94
00:04:37,527 --> 00:04:40,195
without knowing
how to do it properly. Okay?
95
00:04:40,196 --> 00:04:41,530
'Let me say that again.'
96
00:04:41,531 --> 00:04:45,701
This young man
was driving drunk
97
00:04:45,702 --> 00:04:47,828
without having practiced
98
00:04:47,829 --> 00:04:50,415
so he would know
how to do it right.
99
00:04:51,499 --> 00:04:52,874
Now, you're not stupid
and I'm not gonna
100
00:04:52,875 --> 00:04:54,376
treat you like you are.
101
00:04:54,377 --> 00:04:56,378
I'm gonna tell you something
that's pretty controversial.
102
00:04:56,379 --> 00:05:00,549
Some people drive better
when they're intoxicated
103
00:05:00,550 --> 00:05:02,342
than they do
when they're sober.
104
00:05:02,343 --> 00:05:05,345
Hi. My name's
Deputy Johnson.
105
00:05:05,346 --> 00:05:07,848
I'm able to do
such a thing, alright?
106
00:05:07,849 --> 00:05:09,349
Think about it.
107
00:05:09,350 --> 00:05:11,184
My day-to-day life
108
00:05:11,185 --> 00:05:12,602
when I'm driving,
what am I doing?
109
00:05:12,603 --> 00:05:14,104
I'm playing air guitar?
110
00:05:14,105 --> 00:05:17,190
Maybe I'm trying to wipe
mustard off my pants
111
00:05:17,191 --> 00:05:18,567
or I'm texting somebody
112
00:05:18,568 --> 00:05:20,902
but I'm sure as hell
not looking at the road.
113
00:05:20,903 --> 00:05:22,946
Yes, I said hell.
Live with it.
114
00:05:22,947 --> 00:05:27,075
'When I am driving drunk,
2:00 o'clock, 10:00 o'clock
115
00:05:27,076 --> 00:05:30,245
mirror, mirror,
every 30 seconds.
116
00:05:30,246 --> 00:05:31,621
The air conditioner's on me
117
00:05:31,622 --> 00:05:34,124
I've got some speed metal
on the radio
118
00:05:34,125 --> 00:05:36,626
'I'm pumped. I'm paying
attention. Believe me.'
119
00:05:36,627 --> 00:05:39,629
I've been doing this
since I was 11 years old.
120
00:05:39,630 --> 00:05:40,797
I'm very good at it.
121
00:05:40,798 --> 00:05:44,259
It's like using condoms,
or popping a penicillin
122
00:05:44,260 --> 00:05:47,596
before you have
multiple encounters.
123
00:05:47,597 --> 00:05:51,266
You know? Safety. Yeah?
124
00:05:51,267 --> 00:05:53,810
I see a lot of pretty girls
here today.
125
00:05:53,811 --> 00:05:55,645
A lot of pretty girls.
126
00:05:55,646 --> 00:05:58,732
Some of you have
definitely got careers
127
00:05:58,733 --> 00:06:00,776
in gentlemen's magazines
128
00:06:00,777 --> 00:06:05,405
later on and adult entertaining.
Alright?
129
00:06:05,406 --> 00:06:09,493
I hope that when it comes time
to list your turn-offs
130
00:06:09,494 --> 00:06:13,080
that vehicular manslaughter
131
00:06:13,081 --> 00:06:14,957
will be one of those turn-offs.
132
00:06:21,297 --> 00:06:23,465
{\an8}Anything we can do
to help these poor Iraqis
133
00:06:23,466 --> 00:06:27,594
{\an8}without actually going
over there, I'm all for.
134
00:06:27,595 --> 00:06:28,720
{\an8}Mm-hmm.
135
00:06:28,721 --> 00:06:30,639
{\an8}I think the Iraqi cops,
I took a peek at them
136
00:06:30,640 --> 00:06:33,266
{\an8}and, uh, hubba hubba.
137
00:06:33,267 --> 00:06:35,519
{\an8}That's all I have to say.
The tall one is something.
138
00:06:35,520 --> 00:06:38,855
{\an8}- He's no Osama, but he's rrrow.
- Mm-hmm.
139
00:06:38,856 --> 00:06:40,607
{\an8}'Today, we begin
light calisthenics'
140
00:06:40,608 --> 00:06:42,651
{\an8}to get you in shape.
141
00:06:42,652 --> 00:06:44,528
{\an8}We're gonna do ten
jumping jacks.
142
00:06:44,529 --> 00:06:47,864
{\an8}On my count, I want you to
all chime in with me, okay?
143
00:06:47,865 --> 00:06:48,865
{\an8}And we go.
144
00:06:48,866 --> 00:06:53,203
{\an8}And one and two
and three, four
145
00:06:53,204 --> 00:06:56,998
{\an8}five, six,
seven, eight
146
00:06:56,999 --> 00:06:59,000
{\an8}nine and ten!
147
00:06:59,001 --> 00:07:00,837
{\an8}- Wow, that was good.
- Good job, gentlemen.
148
00:07:04,298 --> 00:07:05,549
{\an8}He don't want
to go to school.
149
00:07:05,550 --> 00:07:07,008
{\an8}- He don't want to read.
- Alright.
150
00:07:07,009 --> 00:07:08,176
{\an8}That's what
I'm here for.
151
00:07:08,177 --> 00:07:09,219
{\an8}To protect and serve, alright?
152
00:07:09,220 --> 00:07:10,345
- He's rude.
- You just calm down.
153
00:07:10,346 --> 00:07:11,346
I'll take care of it.
154
00:07:11,347 --> 00:07:13,014
You stay back here,
let me take care of...
155
00:07:13,015 --> 00:07:16,518
Pepe! Pepe!
156
00:07:16,519 --> 00:07:18,854
Sheriff's department,
Pepe.
157
00:07:18,855 --> 00:07:20,355
Come on out
and go to school.
158
00:07:20,356 --> 00:07:21,691
Your mom's real upset
with you now.
159
00:07:24,152 --> 00:07:26,653
Come on out here,
you little beaner. Look.
160
00:07:26,654 --> 00:07:28,864
Taking off my badge,
Pepe.
161
00:07:28,865 --> 00:07:30,699
Now it ain't
Deputy Travis Junior.
162
00:07:30,700 --> 00:07:32,534
It's just Travis Junior.
Man to man. Mano a mano.
163
00:07:32,535 --> 00:07:34,703
Why don't we, uh...
164
00:07:34,704 --> 00:07:36,580
Hola.
165
00:07:42,503 --> 00:07:43,671
Hola, Holmes.
166
00:07:51,012 --> 00:07:53,889
{\an8}'Got ourselves a massive
narcotics seizure here.'
167
00:07:53,890 --> 00:07:57,767
{\an8}Got this totally innocuous
bunny hugs-a-bunch doll.
168
00:07:57,768 --> 00:08:00,729
Oh, damn it. Every time
you touch them, it does that.
169
00:08:00,730 --> 00:08:01,813
But check it out here.
170
00:08:01,814 --> 00:08:04,399
Bunny love you!
171
00:08:04,400 --> 00:08:05,734
Aah! Kinda wish
he'd stop saying that.
172
00:08:05,735 --> 00:08:07,569
'Yeah, makes
you feel bad.'
173
00:08:07,570 --> 00:08:09,613
Look at that. Ah.
174
00:08:09,614 --> 00:08:12,908
I caught this one.
Look at this.
175
00:08:12,909 --> 00:08:14,910
That tickles!
176
00:08:14,911 --> 00:08:17,288
Pure Columbian yayo
inside all of them.
177
00:08:17,997 --> 00:08:20,957
Oh! I wish there was a way...
178
00:08:20,958 --> 00:08:21,750
Maybe we should get
some earplugs or something.
179
00:08:21,751 --> 00:08:26,296
Stop it! Stop. Stop!
180
00:08:26,297 --> 00:08:28,548
Stop saying that!
181
00:08:28,549 --> 00:08:28,965
'Stop it!'
182
00:08:28,966 --> 00:08:30,926
That tickles.
183
00:08:30,927 --> 00:08:33,428
Here. You gotta,
you know what? Ugh!
184
00:08:33,429 --> 00:08:34,429
There we go.
185
00:08:34,430 --> 00:08:35,764
You're bunny's sweetheart!
186
00:08:35,765 --> 00:08:36,765
Stop!
187
00:08:36,766 --> 00:08:38,934
Here, I'll get it.
I'll get it.
188
00:08:38,935 --> 00:08:40,644
- I got it. I got it.
- Okay. No. Those are my balls.
189
00:08:40,645 --> 00:08:42,938
- Oh.
- That's my [bleep].
190
00:08:42,939 --> 00:08:43,730
Jesus, we got a lot
to go here, Jim.
191
00:08:43,731 --> 00:08:44,773
Alright. Boom.
192
00:08:44,774 --> 00:08:47,234
Why do you have so much
coke on you?
193
00:08:47,235 --> 00:08:48,276
- What? Huh?
- What did you do?
194
00:08:48,277 --> 00:08:49,945
- 'What did you do?'
- What do I have on me?
195
00:08:49,946 --> 00:08:51,154
You have coca
all over your face.
196
00:08:51,155 --> 00:08:51,863
You have pure,
uncut yayo on your face.
197
00:08:51,864 --> 00:08:52,781
- What did you do?
- Where?
198
00:08:52,782 --> 00:08:55,910
- On your face.
- Get it off.
199
00:08:58,204 --> 00:09:01,374
Yuck! Now I have
bunny insides on me.
200
00:09:06,879 --> 00:09:09,130
{\an8}And this is King.
201
00:09:09,131 --> 00:09:11,299
{\an8}He's currently
available for adoption
202
00:09:11,300 --> 00:09:13,802
at the Washoe
animal shelter.
203
00:09:13,803 --> 00:09:15,762
as you can see, King is
a friendly, spirited dog
204
00:09:15,763 --> 00:09:17,806
{\an8}who loves people.
205
00:09:17,807 --> 00:09:19,849
There are no bad dogs,
only bad owners.
206
00:09:19,850 --> 00:09:22,477
And the people
who owned King
207
00:09:22,478 --> 00:09:24,479
were some mean
Puerto Rican bastards.
208
00:09:24,480 --> 00:09:27,899
So come on down to
the Washoe County animal shelter
209
00:09:27,900 --> 00:09:30,443
and make
a new friend for life.
210
00:09:30,444 --> 00:09:32,530
Aah! Aah!
211
00:09:36,909 --> 00:09:40,161
You know, I gotta say
212
00:09:40,162 --> 00:09:43,164
Garcia's sort of been in charge
of training these Iraqi boys
213
00:09:43,165 --> 00:09:48,628
and Garcia could not train a
monkey to [bleep] monkey
214
00:09:48,629 --> 00:09:53,383
if he had two years
and a truckload of ex-lax.
215
00:09:53,384 --> 00:09:55,552
{\an8}'Okay, so we're gonna
head over to the firing range.'
216
00:09:55,553 --> 00:09:58,014
{\an8}And this will be
your target.
217
00:09:59,974 --> 00:10:03,310
Okay, I'm just gonna,
I'm gonna get the black guy
218
00:10:03,311 --> 00:10:04,395
with the switchblade.
219
00:10:05,479 --> 00:10:06,688
'And what we need to do'
220
00:10:06,689 --> 00:10:07,981
uh, when we're
properly trained is
221
00:10:07,982 --> 00:10:09,774
we need to know how to
field strip these weapons.
222
00:10:09,775 --> 00:10:11,484
So what I'm gonna do
is demonstrate to you
223
00:10:11,485 --> 00:10:13,486
I'm gonna go ahead and put
this gun back together.
224
00:10:13,487 --> 00:10:14,696
It's been field stripped.
225
00:10:14,697 --> 00:10:17,032
I'm gonna put it
back together blindfolded.
226
00:10:17,033 --> 00:10:19,075
With proper training, you'll all
be able to assemble this gun
227
00:10:19,076 --> 00:10:20,285
blindfolded,
in under 30 seconds.
228
00:10:21,871 --> 00:10:22,871
What I'll do is, um...
229
00:10:22,872 --> 00:10:24,749
I'm gonna need
someone to time me.
230
00:10:28,002 --> 00:10:30,128
- Go.
- 'Go.'
231
00:10:37,678 --> 00:10:39,679
Alright.
232
00:10:39,680 --> 00:10:41,431
Go ahead
and get in closer
233
00:10:41,432 --> 00:10:42,850
if you need to see
better, gentlemen.
234
00:10:46,937 --> 00:10:47,979
'This is where it is.
I'm sure it is.'
235
00:10:47,980 --> 00:10:51,024
Of course, You would know,
because of all your DUIs.
236
00:10:51,025 --> 00:10:52,984
I had a couple of peach schnapps
with dinner. Don't-not now.
237
00:10:52,985 --> 00:10:55,195
Our daughter
has been kidnapped.
238
00:10:55,196 --> 00:10:56,780
- You gotta help us.
- Oh, okay!
239
00:10:56,781 --> 00:10:59,824
She's got, um,
big, big gold...
240
00:10:59,825 --> 00:11:01,076
- Hoop earrings.
- Gold hoops.
241
00:11:01,077 --> 00:11:01,951
She's wearing
a dashiki.
242
00:11:01,952 --> 00:11:04,621
Very long
nail extensions.
243
00:11:04,622 --> 00:11:06,581
Extremely long,
with little crystals.
244
00:11:06,582 --> 00:11:08,458
Yeah. We put little crystals
and stars.
245
00:11:08,459 --> 00:11:09,250
What's her name?
246
00:11:09,251 --> 00:11:11,961
- Her name is Beyonce...
- Shabazz...
247
00:11:11,962 --> 00:11:14,589
Wayans.
248
00:11:14,590 --> 00:11:16,383
There's three.
It's a middle name.
249
00:11:16,384 --> 00:11:18,426
Is that, is that
her real name?
250
00:11:18,427 --> 00:11:20,095
- That's her professional--
- That's her professional name.
251
00:11:20,096 --> 00:11:21,304
She would answer to Beyoncé--
252
00:11:21,305 --> 00:11:22,764
She would answer to Beyoncé?
253
00:11:22,765 --> 00:11:24,849
- Or Beyonsa...
- Shaba, Shabazz.
254
00:11:24,850 --> 00:11:26,768
- Two Z's.
- Shabazz-yeah, she has two Z's.
255
00:11:26,769 --> 00:11:27,977
- I'm sorry--
- She was at the pageant.
256
00:11:27,978 --> 00:11:32,273
The only pageant
that's going on in town today
257
00:11:32,274 --> 00:11:33,441
is Little Miss Nubian.
258
00:11:33,442 --> 00:11:34,609
- Yeah. That's right.
- That's correct.
259
00:11:34,610 --> 00:11:36,111
I know that because
my daughter won it
260
00:11:36,112 --> 00:11:36,903
like, two years ago, but--
261
00:11:36,904 --> 00:11:39,781
Yeah. Who's your daughter?
262
00:11:39,782 --> 00:11:40,990
Danielle?
263
00:11:40,991 --> 00:11:41,950
Oh! I am such a fan!
264
00:11:41,951 --> 00:11:44,619
Oh, Danielle
is so gifted.
265
00:11:44,620 --> 00:11:46,162
She's a sexy girl.
266
00:11:46,163 --> 00:11:47,622
- Very sexy young lady.
- Very sexy girl.
267
00:11:47,623 --> 00:11:49,290
Okay. Your baby is in
Little Miss Nubian?
268
00:11:49,291 --> 00:11:51,126
She's like a little
Gabrielle union, that one.
269
00:11:51,127 --> 00:11:52,627
- Yeah, yeah.
- Oh, delicious.
270
00:11:52,628 --> 00:11:54,629
That's what I said.
I said, love that.
271
00:11:54,630 --> 00:11:56,756
You guys are,
you're Caucasian.
272
00:11:56,757 --> 00:11:58,425
You're-that's...
273
00:11:58,426 --> 00:11:59,843
Uh, Beyonce...
274
00:11:59,844 --> 00:12:01,428
Beyoncé is wearing
a little bit of makeup.
275
00:12:01,429 --> 00:12:02,804
- She's got makeup on.
- A little bit of makeup.
276
00:12:02,805 --> 00:12:04,472
They said, bring home
from the computer store
277
00:12:04,473 --> 00:12:05,473
he works in
a computer store.
278
00:12:05,474 --> 00:12:06,850
Doesn't know much
about the biz.
279
00:12:06,851 --> 00:12:08,685
But we put
some toner on her face.
280
00:12:08,686 --> 00:12:11,062
Except for her lips,
which we made white.
281
00:12:11,063 --> 00:12:13,982
Like a, like a,
like a, like a big lip.
282
00:12:13,983 --> 00:12:16,651
We really, this pageant
was a biggie.
283
00:12:16,652 --> 00:12:18,695
Let me tell you, she had
the talent competition cornered.
284
00:12:18,696 --> 00:12:20,447
She was gonna sing
"Old Man River"
285
00:12:20,448 --> 00:12:22,782
and then dedicate it
to the Katrina victims.
286
00:12:23,200 --> 00:12:24,034
From Showboat.
287
00:12:29,415 --> 00:12:30,957
{\an8}Dump that one. Dump it.
288
00:12:30,958 --> 00:12:32,834
{\an8}Oh, ahh!
Okay.
289
00:12:32,835 --> 00:12:33,835
- Uh-oh.
- Uh...
290
00:12:35,212 --> 00:12:36,255
Hang on.
291
00:12:36,964 --> 00:12:37,923
Hey!
292
00:12:41,218 --> 00:12:42,844
- Ahh. Okay.
- Oh.
293
00:12:42,845 --> 00:12:44,345
Dump it. Dump it. Dump it.
294
00:12:44,346 --> 00:12:46,014
Ah! Ah!
295
00:12:46,015 --> 00:12:47,849
Ah! Okay.
296
00:12:47,850 --> 00:12:50,643
I think we have
a couple of grosses to go.
297
00:12:50,644 --> 00:12:53,646
But weirdly, I feel more awake
now than I did before.
298
00:12:53,647 --> 00:12:54,564
I'm ready to go!
I'm good to go.
299
00:12:54,565 --> 00:12:56,524
I feel more awake now
than I did before.
300
00:12:56,525 --> 00:12:57,609
I feel more awake
301
00:12:57,610 --> 00:12:58,193
♪ than I did before ♪
302
00:12:58,194 --> 00:13:00,236
'Did we get this guy?'
303
00:13:00,237 --> 00:13:00,987
♪ Go ♪
304
00:13:00,988 --> 00:13:03,948
♪ Go team ♪
305
00:13:03,949 --> 00:13:05,533
- Think fast.
- What?
306
00:13:05,534 --> 00:13:07,076
Ah! Oh, my god!
307
00:13:07,077 --> 00:13:09,537
Aah! Aah!
308
00:13:09,538 --> 00:13:11,331
- Get on, get on.
- Hold on. Hold on.
309
00:13:11,332 --> 00:13:13,208
The only way to get it off
is to lick it.
310
00:13:13,209 --> 00:13:14,334
- You have some.
- Okay. Okay.
311
00:13:14,335 --> 00:13:16,544
Mmm. Mmm.
312
00:13:16,545 --> 00:13:16,961
Oh, my tongue
is so numb.
313
00:13:20,090 --> 00:13:21,716
- Oh, man.
- Oh!
314
00:13:21,717 --> 00:13:23,426
Shove him in the eyeballs.
Shove him in the eyeballs.
315
00:13:23,427 --> 00:13:24,552
Unh! Shut up!
Shut up!
316
00:13:25,721 --> 00:13:27,722
Stop! Stop! Shut up!
317
00:13:27,723 --> 00:13:29,432
Shut up!
318
00:13:32,394 --> 00:13:33,478
Oh, you got it all over you.
319
00:13:33,479 --> 00:13:38,233
Get it off. Get it off.
Get it off. Get it off.
320
00:13:38,234 --> 00:13:39,692
- Get it off. Get it off.
- It's everywhere.
321
00:13:39,693 --> 00:13:40,944
- Get it off. Get it off.
- Okay. You got it all over you.
322
00:13:40,945 --> 00:13:43,905
You got it all over you.
It's all on you.
323
00:13:43,906 --> 00:13:46,366
- Stop, stop saying that!
- Are you talking to him?
324
00:13:46,367 --> 00:13:48,076
- No, I'm talking to you.
- Should I stop?
325
00:13:48,077 --> 00:13:49,202
- No.
- Him?
326
00:13:49,203 --> 00:13:50,453
I'm talking to you.
Stop talking.
327
00:13:50,454 --> 00:13:51,788
- Me?
- Yeah.
328
00:13:51,789 --> 00:13:53,248
- No, I'm talking to him.
- Am I still talking?
329
00:13:53,249 --> 00:13:54,374
Oh, [bleep].
I thought I was talking...
330
00:13:54,375 --> 00:13:56,918
Oh, God. I forgot who I was
talking to for a second.
331
00:13:56,919 --> 00:13:58,211
It's okay.
332
00:13:58,212 --> 00:13:59,921
Forgot who I was talking
to for a second.
333
00:13:59,922 --> 00:14:00,922
It's gonna be okay.
334
00:14:00,923 --> 00:14:02,423
What the
was that?
335
00:14:02,424 --> 00:14:04,467
- Hold up. Hold up.
- Just breathe.
336
00:14:04,468 --> 00:14:05,928
Oh, I'm having
a heart attack.
337
00:14:18,190 --> 00:14:19,107
- Yeah.
- Within a few hours.
338
00:14:19,108 --> 00:14:21,276
Yeah, just a couple
of hours ago.
339
00:14:21,277 --> 00:14:23,111
Now, can you describe the items
he took from the premises?
340
00:14:23,112 --> 00:14:25,113
Yeah. Okay.
My King-Kong dildo.
341
00:14:25,114 --> 00:14:26,990
- King-Kong dildo.
- Yes.
342
00:14:26,991 --> 00:14:29,075
And it's real specific
because I had to order it.
343
00:14:29,076 --> 00:14:31,452
Did he harm you
physically in any way?
344
00:14:31,453 --> 00:14:33,121
- Was it just a simple--
- Yeah!
345
00:14:33,122 --> 00:14:34,122
Alright, well,
why don't you describe to me
346
00:14:34,123 --> 00:14:35,123
exactly what happened?
347
00:14:35,124 --> 00:14:36,124
- Alright.
- Right hand like this.
348
00:14:36,125 --> 00:14:38,167
Okay. Then what
did he do next?
349
00:14:38,168 --> 00:14:40,461
And then, he was gonna
try to lift me
350
00:14:40,462 --> 00:14:42,463
and then he put his hand
around my waist like that.
351
00:14:42,464 --> 00:14:43,298
And then I was gonna try
to buck him
352
00:14:43,299 --> 00:14:45,425
but he bucked me first.
He was like--
353
00:14:45,426 --> 00:14:46,801
- Whoa! Alright!
- Like, he was bucking me.
354
00:14:46,802 --> 00:14:47,927
And then what happened?
355
00:14:47,928 --> 00:14:49,095
I kept trying to buck back,
but he kept bucking me.
356
00:14:49,096 --> 00:14:51,097
So he was, like,
going like that?
357
00:14:51,098 --> 00:14:52,515
Yeah, and I was, like,
going like that.
358
00:14:52,516 --> 00:14:53,725
- Alright.
- And he flung me around--
359
00:14:53,726 --> 00:14:54,809
- Whoa!
- Pushed me back like that.
360
00:14:54,810 --> 00:14:55,935
Oh, alright.
361
00:14:55,936 --> 00:14:57,353
Okay. Alright.
All right.
362
00:14:57,354 --> 00:14:58,730
So he, like,
had me pinned.
363
00:14:58,731 --> 00:15:00,315
Okay. Alright.
So he had you pinned.
364
00:15:00,316 --> 00:15:01,858
Now, did he have you
by the wrists
365
00:15:01,859 --> 00:15:02,984
or were your arms free,
like mine are right now?
366
00:15:02,985 --> 00:15:05,194
- Oh, he had me by the wrists.
- Okay.
367
00:15:05,195 --> 00:15:07,989
Now, did you try at all,
like, wriggle or writhe?
368
00:15:07,990 --> 00:15:10,450
- No, 'cause...
- You know, do like that?
369
00:15:10,451 --> 00:15:12,368
No, 'cause what he did was,
he pinned me harder, like...
370
00:15:12,369 --> 00:15:13,620
Oh, my, alright.
371
00:15:13,621 --> 00:15:15,830
And when he did,
I know he came down on me.
372
00:15:15,831 --> 00:15:17,665
- Alright. Okay.
- He came down.
373
00:15:17,666 --> 00:15:20,335
Oh, my god.
And that's when he said...
374
00:15:20,336 --> 00:15:22,045
He probably said
you're a little pig.
375
00:15:22,046 --> 00:15:25,716
You're a little pig.
You're a little whiny pig.
376
00:15:27,468 --> 00:15:28,594
Why would he say that?
377
00:15:33,098 --> 00:15:34,349
{\an8}Ha ha! Good job!
378
00:15:34,350 --> 00:15:37,143
{\an8}Good job.
Last one! Ha ha!
379
00:15:37,144 --> 00:15:40,521
{\an8}Yeah! Nice!
Reno S.D.
380
00:15:40,522 --> 00:15:42,732
Getting it done!
Getting the job done!
381
00:15:42,733 --> 00:15:44,275
Whoo! Ha!
382
00:15:44,276 --> 00:15:45,693
Good job. Good work.
383
00:15:45,694 --> 00:15:46,736
Excellent. Very good.
384
00:15:46,737 --> 00:15:49,030
Afternoon, folks.
Penrose. DEA.
385
00:15:49,031 --> 00:15:53,034
I'm here to pick up
200 keys of coke.
386
00:15:53,035 --> 00:15:54,994
Play. Tee hee hee.
387
00:15:54,995 --> 00:15:56,204
You're bunny's sweetheart!
388
00:15:56,205 --> 00:15:58,206
♪ A B D E F G ♪
389
00:15:58,207 --> 00:16:00,083
♪ H I J K L M N O P ♪
390
00:16:02,211 --> 00:16:04,337
♪ Q R S T U V ♪
391
00:16:18,811 --> 00:16:22,230
{\an8}I have never been prouder
than to be an ambassador
392
00:16:22,231 --> 00:16:28,695
{\an8}to these brave Iraqi
law enforcement professionals.
393
00:16:28,696 --> 00:16:31,739
Uh, it is a great honor
that has been bestowed upon us.
394
00:16:31,740 --> 00:16:35,243
I hope that we are imparting
some of our knowledge to them.
395
00:16:35,244 --> 00:16:38,079
And in turn we are,
some of their culture
396
00:16:38,080 --> 00:16:40,039
is being imparted to us.
397
00:16:40,040 --> 00:16:44,085
But they smell like goats
398
00:16:44,086 --> 00:16:47,046
that were raised in a fart.
399
00:16:47,047 --> 00:16:50,758
{\an8}Tonight is showtime.
And tonight, we go live.
400
00:16:50,759 --> 00:16:54,804
{\an8}Tonight, we face the blue-eyed
devil face to face.
401
00:16:54,805 --> 00:16:57,223
{\an8}And that blue-eyed devil
is crystal meth.
402
00:16:57,224 --> 00:17:00,601
{\an8}God and Allah
on our side tonight!
403
00:17:00,602 --> 00:17:03,771
{\an8}Tonight, we take no prisoners
and we kick some ass!
404
00:17:05,649 --> 00:17:07,108
{\an8}Right. You're doing
a kick-ass job.
405
00:17:07,109 --> 00:17:09,444
{\an8}We're so glad that you're here
for this week with us.
406
00:17:09,445 --> 00:17:12,029
{\an8}You can't cut off people's
hands, but you guys are awesome.
407
00:17:12,030 --> 00:17:13,114
{\an8}That's right.
408
00:17:13,115 --> 00:17:14,157
And this is a chant
we say in Iraq.
409
00:17:14,158 --> 00:17:16,367
- Before we go to the force.
- Okay.
410
00:18:02,915 --> 00:18:05,583
- Hey, Terry.
- Hi.
411
00:18:05,584 --> 00:18:07,502
How's it going?
412
00:18:07,503 --> 00:18:09,212
Good. I have
to go tinkle.
413
00:18:09,213 --> 00:18:11,339
- Give me hug.
- Hi.
414
00:18:11,340 --> 00:18:12,965
God, I missed you!
415
00:18:12,966 --> 00:18:14,008
- How are you?
- Good.
416
00:18:14,009 --> 00:18:15,593
You want to go tinkle
and then we'll talk?
417
00:18:15,594 --> 00:18:16,677
No, I'll tinkle later.
418
00:18:16,678 --> 00:18:18,679
Okay. Looks like you did
a little bit here.
419
00:18:18,680 --> 00:18:19,764
I dribbled
a little bit.
420
00:18:19,765 --> 00:18:21,808
I haven't seen you,
I feel like, in so long.
421
00:18:21,809 --> 00:18:23,059
I've been super busy.
422
00:18:23,060 --> 00:18:24,685
This is amazing.
Did you do this?
423
00:18:24,686 --> 00:18:25,478
Oh, bless you.
Yeah, I did.
424
00:18:25,479 --> 00:18:29,232
Did you? You have
a bedazzler now?
425
00:18:29,233 --> 00:18:32,109
- A re-predazzler.
- What's a re-predazzler?
426
00:18:32,110 --> 00:18:34,070
It bedazzles stuff
that's already been dazzled
427
00:18:34,071 --> 00:18:35,655
and then dazzled again.
428
00:18:35,656 --> 00:18:37,073
God, you are a genius.
429
00:18:37,074 --> 00:18:38,658
That's what they say.
430
00:18:38,659 --> 00:18:40,368
Oh, you know what? I just
remembered. Ah, It is so good
431
00:18:40,369 --> 00:18:42,662
- I ran into you tonight.
- What?
432
00:18:42,663 --> 00:18:43,329
That woman whose mailbox
you just [bleep] in?
433
00:18:43,330 --> 00:18:45,373
- Yes.
- Yeah.
434
00:18:45,374 --> 00:18:47,500
She wants you taken in.
I have to take you to jail.
435
00:18:47,501 --> 00:18:49,168
- She was mad about that?
- Yeah, she was. So...
436
00:18:49,169 --> 00:18:50,545
- Okay, that's fine.
- So you're gonna come with me.
437
00:18:50,546 --> 00:18:51,838
- Yeah. Come on.
- Let's go to jail.
438
00:18:51,839 --> 00:18:53,923
♪ Weiner party
in my [bleep] ♪
439
00:18:53,924 --> 00:18:54,424
♪ Everyone's invited ♪
440
00:19:06,478 --> 00:19:08,354
brave Iraqi policemen
441
00:19:08,355 --> 00:19:11,732
are over here trying
to better themselves
442
00:19:11,733 --> 00:19:14,277
learning some of
our tactics and techniques.
443
00:19:14,278 --> 00:19:16,237
Um, and I would love
to think that
444
00:19:16,238 --> 00:19:19,740
they're gonna take those
skills back to the middle east
445
00:19:19,741 --> 00:19:22,910
and they will pave the way
to a brighter future
446
00:19:22,911 --> 00:19:24,912
in that part of the world.
But let's face it.
447
00:19:24,913 --> 00:19:26,122
That's a bunch
of bull [bleep].
448
00:19:26,123 --> 00:19:28,624
- No. They don't even--
- That place is [bleep].
449
00:19:28,625 --> 00:19:31,210
That is the [bleep] crotch
of the earth over there.
450
00:19:31,211 --> 00:19:32,211
Oh, my God.
451
00:19:32,212 --> 00:19:34,422
No, [bleep] you are
underneath the nut sack
452
00:19:34,423 --> 00:19:37,258
of the
devil over there.
453
00:19:37,259 --> 00:19:39,427
I wouldn't, I wouldn't
go to the middle east...
454
00:19:39,428 --> 00:19:43,931
Now, people are going to
take this out of context.
455
00:19:43,932 --> 00:19:44,349
When I say...
456
00:19:46,518 --> 00:19:50,730
The earth should open up
and suck that part of the world
457
00:19:50,731 --> 00:19:54,693
back in, take it back in
in one giant sinkhole.
458
00:19:55,569 --> 00:19:58,070
They eat sand.
459
00:19:58,071 --> 00:20:00,656
'The Iraqis
left us this package.'
460
00:20:03,702 --> 00:20:05,661
- Probably something nice.
- Yeah.
461
00:20:07,664 --> 00:20:08,372
- It has a sound.
- It does.
462
00:20:08,373 --> 00:20:10,876
Cuckoo clock
or something.
463
00:20:17,215 --> 00:20:18,507
Maybe we should just
dunk it in the water.
464
00:20:18,508 --> 00:20:19,967
Maybe we should dunk it
in the water.
465
00:20:25,557 --> 00:20:26,475
Alright?
466
00:20:43,492 --> 00:20:44,992
'Oh, cigars!'
467
00:20:44,993 --> 00:20:46,452
'We ruined them.'
468
00:20:47,496 --> 00:20:48,497
'Oh!'
469
00:20:50,582 --> 00:20:52,166
Oh, Bin Laden.
470
00:20:52,167 --> 00:20:53,376
That's good.
471
00:20:53,377 --> 00:20:55,586
'That was good.'
472
00:20:55,587 --> 00:20:56,462
- That's great.
- You got us, Bin Laden!
473
00:20:56,463 --> 00:20:59,006
You got us good,
Bin Laden.
474
00:20:59,007 --> 00:21:00,299
- 'First one. Oh!'
- Jesus!
475
00:21:00,300 --> 00:21:01,634
- That's good.
- Okay, that's pretty good.
476
00:21:01,635 --> 00:21:02,969
We should send this
to somebody.
477
00:21:02,970 --> 00:21:04,345
Let's take it
to the fire department.
478
00:21:04,346 --> 00:21:05,471
Let's head to
the fire department!
479
00:21:06,556 --> 00:21:07,766
Ha ha!
those guys.
480
00:21:12,980 --> 00:21:14,522
It's good stuff?
481
00:21:14,523 --> 00:21:15,815
It's good stuff.
482
00:21:15,816 --> 00:21:16,857
Well, that hadn't
been stepped on at all.
483
00:21:16,858 --> 00:21:19,235
Wow. They're not
around, those Columbians.
484
00:21:19,236 --> 00:21:19,944
- Man.
- Mmm.
485
00:21:19,945 --> 00:21:21,362
I had a
good day.
486
00:21:21,363 --> 00:21:22,571
Hadn't been stepped on
at all.
487
00:21:22,572 --> 00:21:24,073
You can tell sometimes
they got stepped on.
488
00:21:24,074 --> 00:21:25,700
Yeah, you know what?
This is not cut with anything.
489
00:21:25,701 --> 00:21:28,577
It's cut clean. It's a
real clean, clean cut.
490
00:21:28,578 --> 00:21:30,246
You know, a lot of times,
the thing is--
491
00:21:30,247 --> 00:21:31,038
No, they'll cut it
with something.
492
00:21:31,039 --> 00:21:31,664
They'll cut it
with rat poison
493
00:21:31,665 --> 00:21:34,208
or some kind of a bleach.
494
00:21:34,209 --> 00:21:35,751
Even laundry detergent,
but this stuff is actually--
495
00:21:35,752 --> 00:21:38,170
This is just a pure,
it's totally pure.
496
00:21:38,171 --> 00:21:39,714
Let's make sure
it carefully--
497
00:21:39,715 --> 00:21:41,800
This is
a long [bleep] day.
36292
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