Original subtitles

James Petrie Washington

we have a warrant for your arrest!

Come out with your hands up!

'Oh, what the do you want?'

Come out with your hands up!

We have a warrant for your arrest!

- Open the door! - Open the door!

- Travis, do it! Do it! Do it! - Go! Go! Go!

Can we have our battering ram back?

- Whoa! - Oh, poop.

Oh!

- You're not allowed on that! - What? What?

- There's a tornado! - No, no!

hell, no! We won't go!

Yeah!

No, no, no! He's my friend!

Officers of the new Iraqi police force.

I cannot express how proud we are

that we shall be training you this week.

We understand the sacrifice that you are making

boldly putting your lives on the line

for a better future for your people.

We may look different on the outside.

- Wait! I'm late. Sorry. - But on the inside...

- Uh, sorry. - Hi.

I'm the translator.

I'm late. Sorry. Um, they don't speak English.

Oh, poop. Really?

oh. I just did, like, a whole crowd...

Um, did anybody remember what I was saying?

Something about peace.

We're psyched you're here.

Uh, uh, Garcia and Johnson

are gonna teach you a bunch of cop stuff.

Uh, you can take this back to Iraq.

And make it not so horrible.

What's he say?

No, he like your moustache. It's straight. It's nice.

Mmm. Nice.

So, here's where we start paying in sweat.

Okay.

Oh [bleep]!

Oh, oh, oh! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!

Put 'em down! Put 'em on the [bleep] ground!

On the ground! Whoo! Okay.

We should probably clear. There's lead coming down.

At some point soon.

- Yeah? - Yeah.

- Hello! - Oh!

- Hold on, there! - Hold on, hold on.

Sir, sir, sir! Calm down.

- Calm down. - Whoo!

- Calm down, sir. - Okay. Alright.

Sir, what seems to be the problem?

I just, I just need some money!

What's with the boxing gloves?

- You don't have a gun? - No!

You're not using any weapons, sir?

No! I don't need some more weapons!

These are fist bombs!

Fist bombs right here, baby!

Sir, it's a whole lot easier to hold the store up if you have

a weapon of some kind, maybe a firearm.

I don't want, okay let's...

That's wrong with America!

You all want to kill people!

I just wanted to knock him out and take the money.

- Alright. - Alright.

Take this!

Candy shock!

Enough!

Stop it! Calm down!

'Okay. Calm down.'

- 'Oh! Careful! Careful!' - 'Hey!'

- Don't get in my face. - Don't you pull that.

- I'm not pulling anything. - 'He's not gonna pull it.'

- I'm not pulling it. - Real men use their hands.

- What? - Real men...

Use their hands!

Are you deaf?

- Give me the gloves. - Karate.

- Give my partner the gloves. - I'll show you a lesson.

I'll show you a lesson, alright? Come here.

Give me that. Let's go.

- Ring the bell. Ding! - Ding.

Here we go.

Aah! Oh! Okay.

Put the money in the bag. Put it.

Give it. Give it. Give me. Give me.

That is awesome! Okay.

It's always sad when someone dies, huh?

This young man was driving drunk

comma

without knowing how to do it properly. Okay?

'Let me say that again.'

This young man was driving drunk

without having practiced

so he would know how to do it right.

Now, you're not stupid and I'm not gonna

treat you like you are.

I'm gonna tell you something that's pretty controversial.

Some people drive better when they're intoxicated

than they do when they're sober.

Hi. My name's Deputy Johnson.

I'm able to do such a thing, alright?

Think about it.

My day-to-day life

when I'm driving, what am I doing?

I'm playing air guitar?

Maybe I'm trying to wipe mustard off my pants

or I'm texting somebody

but I'm sure as hell not looking at the road.

Yes, I said hell. Live with it.

'When I am driving drunk, 2:00 o'clock, 10:00 o'clock

mirror, mirror, every 30 seconds.

The air conditioner's on me

I've got some speed metal on the radio

'I'm pumped. I'm paying attention. Believe me.'

I've been doing this since I was 11 years old.

I'm very good at it.

It's like using condoms, or popping a penicillin

before you have multiple encounters.

You know? Safety. Yeah?

I see a lot of pretty girls here today.

A lot of pretty girls.

Some of you have definitely got careers

in gentlemen's magazines

later on and adult entertaining. Alright?

I hope that when it comes time to list your turn-offs

that vehicular manslaughter

will be one of those turn-offs.

Anything we can do to help these poor Iraqis

without actually going over there, I'm all for.

Mm-hmm.

I think the Iraqi cops, I took a peek at them

and, uh, hubba hubba.

That's all I have to say. The tall one is something.

- He's no Osama, but he's rrrow. - Mm-hmm.

'Today, we begin light calisthenics'

to get you in shape.

We're gonna do ten jumping jacks.

On my count, I want you to all chime in with me, okay?

And we go.

And one and two and three, four

five, six, seven, eight

nine and ten!

- Wow, that was good. - Good job, gentlemen.

He don't want to go to school.

- He don't want to read. - Alright.

That's what I'm here for.

To protect and serve, alright?

- He's rude. - You just calm down.

I'll take care of it.

You stay back here, let me take care of...

Pepe! Pepe!

Sheriff's department, Pepe.

Come on out and go to school.

Your mom's real upset with you now.

Come on out here, you little beaner. Look.

Taking off my badge, Pepe.

Now it ain't Deputy Travis Junior.

It's just Travis Junior. Man to man. Mano a mano.

Why don't we, uh...

Hola.

Hola, Holmes.

'Got ourselves a massive narcotics seizure here.'

Got this totally innocuous bunny hugs-a-bunch doll.

Oh, damn it. Every time you touch them, it does that.

But check it out here.

Bunny love you!

Aah! Kinda wish he'd stop saying that.

'Yeah, makes you feel bad.'

Look at that. Ah.

I caught this one. Look at this.

That tickles!

Pure Columbian yayo inside all of them.

Oh! I wish there was a way...

Maybe we should get some earplugs or something.

Stop it! Stop. Stop!

Stop saying that!

'Stop it!'

That tickles.

Here. You gotta, you know what? Ugh!

There we go.

You're bunny's sweetheart!

Stop!

Here, I'll get it. I'll get it.

- I got it. I got it. - Okay. No. Those are my balls.

- Oh. - That's my [bleep].

Jesus, we got a lot to go here, Jim.

Alright. Boom.

Why do you have so much coke on you?

- What? Huh? - What did you do?

- 'What did you do?' - What do I have on me?

You have coca all over your face.

You have pure, uncut yayo on your face.

- What did you do? - Where?

- On your face. - Get it off.

Yuck! Now I have bunny insides on me.

And this is King.

He's currently available for adoption

at the Washoe animal shelter.

as you can see, King is a friendly, spirited dog

who loves people.

There are no bad dogs, only bad owners.

And the people who owned King

were some mean Puerto Rican bastards.

So come on down to the Washoe County animal shelter

and make a new friend for life.

Aah! Aah!

You know, I gotta say

Garcia's sort of been in charge of training these Iraqi boys

and Garcia could not train a monkey to [bleep] monkey

if he had two years and a truckload of ex-lax.

'Okay, so we're gonna head over to the firing range.'

And this will be your target.

Okay, I'm just gonna, I'm gonna get the black guy

with the switchblade.

'And what we need to do'

uh, when we're properly trained is

we need to know how to field strip these weapons.

So what I'm gonna do is demonstrate to you

I'm gonna go ahead and put this gun back together.

It's been field stripped.

I'm gonna put it back together blindfolded.

With proper training, you'll all be able to assemble this gun

blindfolded, in under 30 seconds.

What I'll do is, um...

I'm gonna need someone to time me.

- Go. - 'Go.'

Alright.

Go ahead and get in closer

if you need to see better, gentlemen.

'This is where it is. I'm sure it is.'

Of course, You would know, because of all your DUIs.

I had a couple of peach schnapps with dinner. Don't-not now.

Our daughter has been kidnapped.

- You gotta help us. - Oh, okay!

She's got, um, big, big gold...

- Hoop earrings. - Gold hoops.

She's wearing a dashiki.

Very long nail extensions.

Extremely long, with little crystals.

Yeah. We put little crystals and stars.

What's her name?

- Her name is Beyonce... - Shabazz...

Wayans.

There's three. It's a middle name.

Is that, is that her real name?

- That's her professional-- - That's her professional name.

She would answer to Beyoncé--

She would answer to Beyoncé?

- Or Beyonsa... - Shaba, Shabazz.

- Two Z's. - Shabazz-yeah, she has two Z's.

- I'm sorry-- - She was at the pageant.

The only pageant that's going on in town today

is Little Miss Nubian.

- Yeah. That's right. - That's correct.

I know that because my daughter won it

like, two years ago, but--

Yeah. Who's your daughter?

Danielle?

Oh! I am such a fan!

Oh, Danielle is so gifted.

She's a sexy girl.

- Very sexy young lady. - Very sexy girl.

Okay. Your baby is in Little Miss Nubian?

She's like a little Gabrielle union, that one.

- Yeah, yeah. - Oh, delicious.

That's what I said. I said, love that.

You guys are, you're Caucasian.

You're-that's...

Uh, Beyonce...

Beyoncé is wearing a little bit of makeup.

- She's got makeup on. - A little bit of makeup.

They said, bring home from the computer store

he works in a computer store.

Doesn't know much about the biz.

But we put some toner on her face.

Except for her lips, which we made white.

Like a, like a, like a, like a big lip.

We really, this pageant was a biggie.

Let me tell you, she had the talent competition cornered.

She was gonna sing "Old Man River"

and then dedicate it to the Katrina victims.

From Showboat.

Dump that one. Dump it.

Oh, ahh! Okay.

- Uh-oh. - Uh...

Hang on.

Hey!

- Ahh. Okay. - Oh.

Dump it. Dump it. Dump it.

Ah! Ah!

Ah! Okay.

I think we have a couple of grosses to go.

But weirdly, I feel more awake now than I did before.

I'm ready to go! I'm good to go.

I feel more awake now than I did before.

I feel more awake

♪ than I did before ♪

'Did we get this guy?'

♪ Go ♪

♪ Go team ♪

- Think fast. - What?

Ah! Oh, my god!

Aah! Aah!

- Get on, get on. - Hold on. Hold on.

The only way to get it off is to lick it.

- You have some. - Okay. Okay.

Mmm. Mmm.

Oh, my tongue is so numb.

- Oh, man. - Oh!

Shove him in the eyeballs. Shove him in the eyeballs.

Unh! Shut up! Shut up!

Stop! Stop! Shut up!

Shut up!

Oh, you got it all over you.

Get it off. Get it off. Get it off. Get it off.

- Get it off. Get it off. - It's everywhere.

- Get it off. Get it off. - Okay. You got it all over you.

You got it all over you. It's all on you.

- Stop, stop saying that! - Are you talking to him?

- No, I'm talking to you. - Should I stop?

- No. - Him?

I'm talking to you. Stop talking.

- Me? - Yeah.

- No, I'm talking to him. - Am I still talking?

Oh, [bleep]. I thought I was talking...

Oh, God. I forgot who I was talking to for a second.

It's okay.

Forgot who I was talking to for a second.

It's gonna be okay.

What the was that?

- Hold up. Hold up. - Just breathe.

Oh, I'm having a heart attack.

- Yeah. - Within a few hours.

Yeah, just a couple of hours ago.

Now, can you describe the items he took from the premises?

Yeah. Okay. My King-Kong dildo.

- King-Kong dildo. - Yes.

And it's real specific because I had to order it.

Did he harm you physically in any way?

- Was it just a simple-- - Yeah!

Alright, well, why don't you describe to me

exactly what happened?

- Alright. - Right hand like this.

Okay. Then what did he do next?

And then, he was gonna try to lift me

and then he put his hand around my waist like that.

And then I was gonna try to buck him

but he bucked me first. He was like--

- Whoa! Alright! - Like, he was bucking me.

And then what happened?

I kept trying to buck back, but he kept bucking me.

So he was, like, going like that?

Yeah, and I was, like, going like that.

- Alright. - And he flung me around--

- Whoa! - Pushed me back like that.

Oh, alright.

Okay. Alright. All right.

So he, like, had me pinned.

Okay. Alright. So he had you pinned.

Now, did he have you by the wrists

or were your arms free, like mine are right now?

- Oh, he had me by the wrists. - Okay.

Now, did you try at all, like, wriggle or writhe?

- No, 'cause... - You know, do like that?

No, 'cause what he did was, he pinned me harder, like...

Oh, my, alright.

And when he did, I know he came down on me.

- Alright. Okay. - He came down.

Oh, my god. And that's when he said...

He probably said you're a little pig.

You're a little pig. You're a little whiny pig.

Why would he say that?

Ha ha! Good job!

Good job. Last one! Ha ha!

Yeah! Nice! Reno S.D.

Getting it done! Getting the job done!

Whoo! Ha!

Good job. Good work.

Excellent. Very good.

Afternoon, folks. Penrose. DEA.

I'm here to pick up 200 keys of coke.

Play. Tee hee hee.

You're bunny's sweetheart!

♪ A B D E F G ♪

♪ H I J K L M N O P ♪

♪ Q R S T U V ♪

I have never been prouder than to be an ambassador

to these brave Iraqi law enforcement professionals.

Uh, it is a great honor that has been bestowed upon us.

I hope that we are imparting some of our knowledge to them.

And in turn we are, some of their culture

is being imparted to us.

But they smell like goats

that were raised in a fart.

Tonight is showtime. And tonight, we go live.

Tonight, we face the blue-eyed devil face to face.

And that blue-eyed devil is crystal meth.

God and Allah on our side tonight!

Tonight, we take no prisoners and we kick some ass!

Right. You're doing a kick-ass job.

We're so glad that you're here for this week with us.

You can't cut off people's hands, but you guys are awesome.

That's right.

And this is a chant we say in Iraq.

- Before we go to the force. - Okay.

- Hey, Terry. - Hi.

How's it going?

Good. I have to go tinkle.

- Give me hug. - Hi.

God, I missed you!

- How are you? - Good.

You want to go tinkle and then we'll talk?

No, I'll tinkle later.

Okay. Looks like you did a little bit here.

I dribbled a little bit.

I haven't seen you, I feel like, in so long.

I've been super busy.

This is amazing. Did you do this?

Oh, bless you. Yeah, I did.

Did you? You have a bedazzler now?

- A re-predazzler. - What's a re-predazzler?

It bedazzles stuff that's already been dazzled

and then dazzled again.

God, you are a genius.

That's what they say.

Oh, you know what? I just remembered. Ah, It is so good

- I ran into you tonight. - What?

That woman whose mailbox you just [bleep] in?

- Yes. - Yeah.

She wants you taken in. I have to take you to jail.

- She was mad about that? - Yeah, she was. So...

- Okay, that's fine. - So you're gonna come with me.

- Yeah. Come on. - Let's go to jail.

♪ Weiner party in my [bleep] ♪

♪ Everyone's invited ♪

brave Iraqi policemen

are over here trying to better themselves

learning some of our tactics and techniques.

Um, and I would love to think that

they're gonna take those skills back to the middle east

and they will pave the way to a brighter future

in that part of the world. But let's face it.

That's a bunch of bull [bleep].

- No. They don't even-- - That place is [bleep].

That is the [bleep] crotch of the earth over there.

Oh, my God.

No, [bleep] you are underneath the nut sack

of the devil over there.

I wouldn't, I wouldn't go to the middle east...

Now, people are going to take this out of context.

When I say...

The earth should open up and suck that part of the world

back in, take it back in in one giant sinkhole.

They eat sand.

'The Iraqis left us this package.'

- Probably something nice. - Yeah.

- It has a sound. - It does.

Cuckoo clock or something.

Maybe we should just dunk it in the water.

Maybe we should dunk it in the water.

Alright?

'Oh, cigars!'

'We ruined them.'

'Oh!'

Oh, Bin Laden.

That's good.

'That was good.'

- That's great. - You got us, Bin Laden!

You got us good, Bin Laden.

- 'First one. Oh!' - Jesus!

- That's good. - Okay, that's pretty good.

We should send this to somebody.

Let's take it to the fire department.

Let's head to the fire department!

Ha ha! those guys.

It's good stuff?

It's good stuff.

Well, that hadn't been stepped on at all.

Wow. They're not around, those Columbians.

- Man. - Mmm.

I had a good day.

Hadn't been stepped on at all.

You can tell sometimes they got stepped on.

Yeah, you know what? This is not cut with anything.

It's cut clean. It's a real clean, clean cut.

You know, a lot of times, the thing is--

No, they'll cut it with something.

They'll cut it with rat poison

or some kind of a bleach.

Even laundry detergent, but this stuff is actually--

This is just a pure, it's totally pure.

Let's make sure it carefully--

This is a long [bleep] day.