Original subtitles

Alright. Very good.

Now turn around for me.

Uh, you may or may not know that the prostitution

in this part of Nevada is completely legal.

Uh, brothels are regulated by the state.

Municipal government makes sure

that they're inspected for quality and hygiene.

Deep breath for me.

Very good, need you to, uh, bend over

and touch your toes for me.

I'm not the one who does the inspection

but these girls don't know that.

Alright, that checks out pretty good.

Freeze! Get on the ground!

Freeze!

One.

Alright.

- The tornado. - Oh, no!

Hell, no. We won't go!

Yeah!

Mercy.

Nah!

'Good morning, gang.'

- Morning. - Morning.

Uh, the new terrorism early warning

uh, checklist is out.

Did everybody get, get one of these?

- Question. - 'Sir.'

- Uh, when we're on orange-- - 'A little louder.'

When we're on orange

we're supposed to be alert and vigilant.

Does that mean that when we're yellow

we're not supposed to be alert at all?

- 'Is that orange?' - What did you say?

He said, when we're at homeland security level orange.

We're at homeland security level orange right now?

'No. We're not. We're not.'

Other things you should be looking for

are fraud, counterfeiting

'uh, uh, internet scams.'

A lot of this money, okay, you know what?

I've had it. That's it.

'The popcorn machine was a terrible idea.'

I-I wish we'd never gotten it.

Have you tried the popcorn?

I have not tried the popcorn.

'I'm not gonna try the popcorn.'

'We're listening.'

There's frogs, and there's oranges.

'Then no one is listening.'

Uh, by the way, Jackie Dimartino

the, uh, the prostitute who used to work fourth street.

Did you hear?

- 'No.' - 'What happened?'

Hospitalized critical, in critical condition.

- 'Fading fast.' - 'Sir?'

We're almost out of popcorn.

I'm-I'm really, really seriously considering

banning the popcorn machine from the briefing room.

If you take this popcorn machine away from here.

Huh? What will you do?

- 'I'll be forced to do things.' - Like what?

This is the one joy I have around here.

- 'Amen.' - Found some more popcorn.

I figure, if they call it Superman XL.

That's gonna make you some XL, right?

This [bleep], it's like, I don't know what it is.

It doesn't do [bleep].

'Oh, what the [bleep].'

- Pat me down right now. - 'Pat you down, right now.'

Pat me down right now. For real, do this, man.

- What? - Pat me down.

- Pat you down right now? - You got to do it, man.

There's something about this I don't like one bit.

- Step away from the car. - Okay, step, okay, you want--

'No, no, no. Put your hands down.'

Okay, I'm gonna take my hands out of my pockets right--

Real! Real! Real, slow!

Okay, real slow, Alright? Okay?

Y'all understand? Okay, now look here.

Now, I-I wanted to ask you both a question

about the contents of my pockets, okay?

Our first question was gonna be

do you have any illicit substances on you, so--

All of a sudden, this is like "jeopardy"

where the question gets put to us and then

we have what the hell?

- Now, okay-- - Set those down.

Set these down. Just set 'em om there.

Should I put my hands back in my pocket?

No. This time now, let's keep them up at our sides.

Alright, let me just set up a scenario for y'all, okay?

Like a scene, a setting, an example.

- He's gonna tell us something. - Yes.

A gentleman was careening

down the street, okay?

- And bumped into me. - Moving very quickly.

Now listen ,man.

I don't know if y'all believe in God

but I believe in God, okay.

And I'm gonna tell you what happened.

Every one of them bottles have float up into the air

and they have float into my pockets.

and that was God knowing that I was having

I was feeling a little down

a little blue last week, okay?

And he provided you with five OxyContin bottles.

- So, the Lord-- - Provided for me.

Hey, you want to throw those out for me?

- Okay. Yeah. - Yeah. That'd be great.

That'd be great. Thanks.

I'll take a half, too.

Oh, you want half?

Oh, you took a whole one?

- How much you supposed to take? - Half.

- Oh. - I'll drive.

- Yeah. - I'll drive.

I'd be more than happy to drive.

You're good. You're good.

'Polygraphed up.'

'I have a question in response to a rumor.'

Is it true that you're strong enough

to peel fruit with your private parts?

Yes.

- How do you do that? - I'm confused and aroused and--

And yet you're working in law enforcement.

I don't get it.

There are exercises a woman can do.

'Are there-are there'

are there workout tapes for those exercises?

Not that I know of.

That's not true. That's not true.

There are. It's called, they are called kegels.

Kegel won't peel a kiwi.

- Um, it's not a kegel. - 'What is that?'

It's-it's like a variation on a kegel, it's not a kegel.

It's a back-door kegel? Back-door kegels?

- That's not what it's called. - Well, what is it?

Which door are we talking about?

Yeah. Which door are we talking about?

What part of the door do you use to--

What part of the-the fruit do you use?

The inner door.

I don't think there's even

a kitchen appliance that peels a kiwi.

Okay. Turn it off. Get a, go get a kiwi.

- Hello? - 'Hey, guys.'

How are you, sweetheart?

'Oh, just, you know.'

I can't really remember why I'm in here.

Did I just have a baby?

- No. - I don't think so, Jackie.

Oh, that's right. I'm dying from lupus.

That's right.

I am so glad you guys came.

We are very happy that we came, too.

You know what?

I'm gonna call in an APB on account of this.

You know what? You can.

All cars, calling all [bleep] cars.

This is Jackie

and I'm gonna be dead

in about 45 minutes.

And if you want to come over here

and get your sucked for a nickel

hell, I'll do it.

Oh, I'm gonna miss these lips when I'm in hell.

- No, you are goin' to heaven. - You're going the other way.

You are. You are.

- The Lord loves you. - Yes, he does.

And your scabs will be gone, and...

Oh, there are no scabs in heaven.

Jesus doesn't even let you have scabs there.

This is true.

Your crotch is gonna be all clean.

My crotch will be healed by the Lord.

Yes. It will.

It will be, hopefully, healed closed

so I don't have to have

any more [bleep] abortions

'cause they cost a fortune.

Yeah.

Room 234! Hey! I heard that they were...

- Hi, Junior. - Hey.

- Oh, this Jackie. - Yeah.

You wanna get your [bleep] sucked?

'Don't act like I haven't been there before.'

'Arr arr arr arr arr!'

Our friends at the Washoe county animal shelter

have lots of pets that are ready and available for adoption.

Ah.

This here is Sarsaparilla

and she's a three-year-old tabby

with lots of love and tons of energy.

- This-- - 'Cat's in the box.'

That's Sarsaparilla?

What the [bleep]? What's with the rat?

- 'They're all over the place.' - I just picked up a rat?

Oh, [bleep]! Aw! Ew! Ew! Ew!

What do you consider your job skills to be?

- Skating... - Yep.

That's good.

High-fiving...

Skating and high-fiving.

Low-fiving...

low five, the antithesis of high five

- And? - And singing.

Singing.

So, Terry, what you're basically saying

is, you could be in "Starlight Express"

if they ever, ever are bold enough to mount it again.

- Yes. - Yes.

Possible "Starlight Express" understudy.

You're off drugs now? You're totally clean?

I'm so clean, it's not even ridiculous.

- Not even ridiculous. - Not even ridiculous.

Here's the thing, I find that

eerily a little bit disappointing

because if you're not on drugs

if this is you totally, totally clean

and you've missed 19 parole hearings

and you're working at who let the clogs out?

That's kind of disappointing, don't you think?

First of all, I was voted the smartest

at my family reunion

like, hands down.

By the rest of your family?

You can't put up two fingers for the same thing.

You can't say you're smartest

at your family reunion, hands down.

That's one thing. That's one thing.

I was voted smartest in my family reunion...

- That's one. - Hands down.

No. That's part of the same sentence.

You're saying two parts of the same sentence

part one of the sentence

end of the sentence.

Those aren't two things.

Is it time for my enema?

- Not quite. - Okay.

You got some guests here, if you're feeling up to it.

- Hi! - Hey, Jackie.

'Look who the cat's been to.'

They've got me on so much [bleep] morphine here.

- 'There's oxygen in the--' - Oh, it's fine.

Yeah. I don't think that's a good--

Hey, hey, hey!

Oh, okay.

Oh, because why, on account of the lung cancer?

If it's not the AIDS that's gonna get me

it's the lung cancer.

That's what they say.

I don't think I'm long for this world.

Does she do this a lot?

Only in the mornings

but I think she's fine.

She's just calming down.

I don't think this is calming down.

I think this is it. I think I've had it.

I'd like to say thank you to everyone for coming.

- Off the record, obviously. - Yes. Of course.

'I would like to thank Will Ferrell, for some reason.'

If you were to leave, what button--

If somebody were to come in here

and turn that machine off, what button would they push?

She's, listen

she's-she's thanking the Hitler youth behind us.

Right. Good point.

Hamster dances...

Her last words were "Hamster dances."

Man, if you wiped away this makeup

she's a lot younger than she looks

with the weird, kind of bloody, pusy eye patch on.

Look at that.

She's so beautiful and so young.

- It really is a tragedy. - Yeah. What a tragedy.

- Ah! - Ah!

You unplugged the wrong cord, you mother[bleep].

- 'Hi.' - 'How's the little guy?'

- How you doing? - How are you?

You're in our custody.

The Reno sheriff's department has become

a safe baby surrender site

which means that you can drop off your baby here

uh, no questions asked

uh, and it will safely, uh

taken into the custody of the state

handed over to child services.

Anybody know how to get him out of this thing if he has

to make a deuce or something?

Does he have to? Seems fine to me.

I mean, he doesn't have to actually leave.

- I mean, he'd just do it. - 'No.'

He's all in there.

Hey.

That'd freak me out.

Why would he like if you ate his--

- Hey, guys? - Oh.

Hey.

Why don't I get on the phone to child services

and see if they can get child services

to get their ass over here?

Now that we have two.

Oh, we got a wet one.

We got a wet one. Hey, hey, hey, hey.

- Uh-oh. - Two more.

This isn't cool, man.

♪ Little night ♪

Shh, it's okay. It's okay. No, no, no.

You're gonna help us out here.

- We need a little back-up. - No, but, no mine. No mine.

Is there anyone out there in processing

with baby experience of any kind?

Mine is suckling here, Jim.

'If he's suckling, he's quiet. That's fine.'

'I don't care if he's suckling.'

I usually charge more for this [bleep].

Oh, dear Lord.

'We're out of prostitutes? It's Tuesday night, boss.'

- You got it. - Got one.

Got room for four more on this one.

Es aqui. Es aqui.

Thank you. Thank you.

Hey, hey, hey! How is the baby with a gun?

'How's the baby with a gun?'

Is there no age limit? What is the cutoff?

We're not gonna start getting 18-year-olds, are we?

ayudante del sheriff del departmento

Reno agulacil.

Les pido que no usan

los letreros de la keratera

para practica del tiro

y es su dinero

qui reparen esto letreros.

por que no usan practica esta trio?

♪ comin' for to carry me home ♪

Oh! My God!

Muchos ninos que nosotros

no queremos tener.

You know what? I have an idea.

'Holy [bleep]. God, sir?'

- 'Sir? Sir?' - Yeah.

- 'Hold on.' - Oh, man.

I feel like I'm moving my legs rapidly.

- Do you see them moving? - Let's take a look.

You know that...

he's separated completely from his legs.

If we move this car, he's dead.

This is so ironic, this-this right here.

I was just with some friends.

We were watching DVD's

and I got into rather a heated argument

about M. Night Shyamalan and the movie "Signs"

you know, when the wife is dying

she's been hit by the car

and I really thought that was the moment

when he started to kind of go downhill

and led, inevitably to the sort of

postmodern dissonance of "Lady In The Water."

We were just having that same conversation on the way here.

You know what one was his good one?

I liked "The Village."

Look, guys.

There were monsters in that.

I was like, "Are there really monsters?"

But then there weren't really monsters.

What if there, but what if there is a...

What if that happened? That could happen.

No. It couldn't happen.

You want a twist ending

you want Nicolas Roeg's "Don't Look Now."

Is that the one with the talking babies?

- And Bruce Willis. Yeah - No.

That guy from "Perfect" has a baby, and the baby talks.

"Perfect?"

How about the guy from "Saturday Night Fever"

or "Pulp Fiction"?

- "Perfect?" - Who are you talking about?

- John Travolta. - From-from "Perfect."

He, uh, guys...

It was great because, like, they were trying to dance

but they knew they could never be perfect.

You guys are police.

You obviously must have seen Antonioni's "L'Avventura"

the missing girl, the-the disconnected

from reality circle of rich friends.

She goes missing. They never find her.

What was the one with the little two mice

who go find that little girl down in the bayou?

That's "The Rescuers."

- Yay! - Yeah!

It was horrible.

That was the valley of the Disney animation regime.

That was when they were

that was during the time of "Pete's Dragon"

and "Bed knobs and Broomsticks."

I hated them boys who were trying to get "Pete's Dragon."

They were gonna make him into a suit.

Awful! Oh, please get the EMT's here.

Oh, you guys are just bereft of any kind of culture

and any kind of knowledge of the world of cinema.

- Hey, uh, uh, Joe-- - What's that over there?

Hey, Joe, what's that over there?

No. You know that technically--

His legs are about four feet that way.

We actually hit him, we bumped over him on the way in.

That guy was very in touch with his inner ass[bleep],

considering his ass was about ten feet that way.

- Hey, Jackie. - 'Oh, hey.'

'You guys didn't come to visit.'

- Yeah. - Yeah. We did.

Oh, hey, they're flowers

for smelling, huh, thank you.

Jackie, we collectively got together

and prepared this note.

- "Dear Jackie..." - 'Dear Jackie...'

"We are so sorry you are in the hospital

"about to die.

"Hope-hope you die soon

"and pain-free.

- Wait a second. - "Sincerely from all of us...

the Reno sheriff's department."

Listen. Shut the [bleep] up.

Now, little miss this one

'this is something that I think'

you will not only appreciate.

It was my grandmother's

and my grandmother's before hers

and now it is mine

and now I am giving it

passing it on down to you.

And I think you could probably get some use out of it.

It's perfectly good.

I think just a little crazy glue

and you're good to go, sister.

I'm not touching that.

Jackie, are you having a hard time dying?

What do you mean, "A hard time dying?"

Now I want you to close your eye...

Okay, it's closed.

And visualize yourself on a trampoline.

Is this like a vision quest?

'Cause I fell for this once before

and I woke up with cramps.

I-I just wanna help you into the next life...

Okay! I'm thinking about a trampoline.

Thinkin' about a trampoline, and you're going up

and you're going down

and you're going up and down.

And then you jump off and over the fence, and you're done.

- Oh, I'm gonna puke. - Oh, crap.

Oh, God.

I didn't even know if that would work.

I just read it in "Reader's Digest."

I got yet another jumper out on the old sparks bridge.

Life is worth living. Life is worth living.

Don't do it. Don't do it. Life is worth living.

'Sir, life is worth living.'

Don't do it, really. Please don't do it.

Please don't do it. It's really, really far down.

You do not want to do it. Trust me, sir.

'Yeah. I think you're right about that.'

Yeah. Yeah. You don't wanna do it, trust me.

- I'm just so tired. - I know.

Oh, bro, trust me. I've been there.

You know, I could be in some other house with some other job.

Man, that'd be, like, the bomb, you know?

That'd be the greatest.

So, you know, you got to look at it like that.

You got to look at it like, like Tabula Rasa.

- Can I get a light? - Oh, here you go.

Oh, [bleep]. Oh, [bleep] [bleep].

If you understand that tomorrow is the first day

of the rest of your life, wiggle your foot.

Hi, Jackie.

- It's Trudy. - 'Hi.'

You look terrific.

- Oh, Trudy. - High five.

Great. Okay. That's enough, honey.

When we were in the fourth grade...

I really appreciate what you did for me

when you told Uncle Mel that it was you

who put the cigarette butts in his beer

and you took the fall for me.

I don't know what to say about that.

It's all good.

God bless you. You took the beating of your life.

You took the beating of your life for me, Jackie.

I'll never forget it.

God bless you. Get your tongue out of my ear.

Get your tongue out of my ear.

Okay. Okay. Okay.

Okay. Okay, don't touch.

No. Too much touching.

Okay. She's going to hell.

She's definitely going to hell.

given to me by Knackie Onassis herself.

Knackie Onassis?

Jackie Onassis herself!

She was once the queen!

Now listen.

She was the queen of style.

She was the queen of music.

She was the queen of the scene.

Don't even get me started on Jackie Onassis.

So, these are for you. I hope you like them.

Don't sell them because I will find you in the afterlife

and haunt the out of you.