All language subtitles for Reno.911.S05E09.Death.of.a.Pickle-Thrower.1080p.PMTP.WEB-DL.AAC2.0.H.264-playWEB_track3_[eng]

Alright. Very good.

Now turn around for me.

Uh, you may or may not know
that the prostitution

in this part of Nevada
is completely legal.

Uh, brothels are regulated
by the state.

Municipal government
makes sure

that they're inspected
for quality and hygiene.

Deep breath for me.

Very good, need you
to, uh, bend over

and touch your toes for me.

I'm not the one who
does the inspection

but these girls
don't know that.

Alright, that checks out
pretty good.

Freeze! Get on the ground!

Freeze!

One.

Alright.

- The tornado.
- Oh, no!

Hell, no. We won't go!

Yeah!

Mercy.

Nah!

'Good morning, gang.'

- Morning.
- Morning.

Uh, the new terrorism
early warning

uh, checklist is out.

Did everybody get,
get one of these?

- Question.
- 'Sir.'

- Uh, when we're on orange--
- 'A little louder.'

When we're on orange

we're supposed to be
alert and vigilant.

Does that mean that
when we're yellow

we're not supposed
to be alert at all?

- 'Is that orange?'
- What did you say?

He said, when we're at
homeland security level orange.

We're at homeland
security level orange right now?

'No. We're not. We're not.'

Other things
you should be looking for

are fraud, counterfeiting

'uh, uh, internet scams.'

A lot of this money,
okay, you know what?

I've had it. That's it.

'The popcorn machine
was a terrible idea.'

I-I wish we'd never gotten it.

Have you tried the popcorn?

I have not tried the popcorn.

'I'm not gonna try the
popcorn.'

'We're listening.'

There's frogs,
and there's oranges.

'Then no one is listening.'

Uh, by the way, Jackie Dimartino

the, uh, the prostitute who used
to work fourth street.

Did you hear?

- 'No.'
- 'What happened?'

Hospitalized critical,
in critical condition.

- 'Fading fast.'
- 'Sir?'

We're almost out of popcorn.

I'm-I'm really, really
seriously considering

banning the popcorn machine
from the briefing room.

If you take this popcorn machine
away from here.

Huh? What will you do?

- 'I'll be forced to do
things.'
- Like what?

This is the one joy
I have around here.

- 'Amen.'
- Found some more popcorn.

I figure, if they call it
Superman XL.

That's gonna make you
some XL, right?

This [bleep], it's like,
I don't know what it is.

It doesn't do [bleep].

'Oh, what the [bleep].'

- Pat me down right now.
- 'Pat you down, right now.'

Pat me down right now.
For real, do this, man.

- What?
- Pat me down.

- Pat you down right now?
- You got to do it, man.

There's something about this
I don't like one bit.

- Step away from the car.
- Okay, step, okay, you want--

'No, no, no.
Put your hands down.'

Okay, I'm gonna take my hands
out of my pockets right--

Real! Real! Real, slow!

Okay, real slow,
Alright? Okay?

Y'all understand?
Okay, now look here.

Now, I-I wanted to ask you
both a question

about the contents
of my pockets, okay?

Our first question
was gonna be

do you have any illicit
substances on you, so--

All of a sudden,
this is like "jeopardy"

where the question gets put to
us and then

we have what the hell?

- Now, okay--
- Set those down.

Set these down.
Just set 'em om there.

Should I put my hands
back in my pocket?

No. This time now,
let's keep them up at our sides.

Alright, let me just set up
a scenario for y'all, okay?

Like a scene,
a setting, an example.

- He's gonna tell us something.
- Yes.

A gentleman was careening

down the street, okay?

- And bumped into me.
- Moving very quickly.

Now listen ,man.

I don't know if y'all
believe in God

but I believe in God, okay.

And I'm gonna tell you
what happened.

Every one of them bottles
have float up into the air

and they have float
into my pockets.

and that was God
knowing that I was having

I was feeling a little down

a little blue last week, okay?

And he provided you
with five OxyContin bottles.

- So, the Lord--
- Provided for me.

Hey, you want
to throw those out for me?

- Okay. Yeah.
- Yeah. That'd be great.

That'd be great. Thanks.

I'll take a half, too.

Oh, you want half?

Oh, you took a whole one?

- How much you supposed to take?
- Half.

- Oh.
- I'll drive.

- Yeah.
- I'll drive.

I'd be more
than happy to drive.

You're good. You're good.

'Polygraphed up.'

'I have a question
in response to a rumor.'

Is it true that
you're strong enough

to peel fruit
with your private parts?

Yes.

- How do you do that?
- I'm confused and aroused and--

And yet you're working
in law enforcement.

I don't get it.

There are exercises
a woman can do.

'Are there-are there'

are there workout tapes
for those exercises?

Not that I know of.

That's not true.
That's not true.

There are. It's called,
they are called kegels.

Kegel won't peel a kiwi.

- Um, it's not a kegel.
- 'What is that?'

It's-it's like a variation
on a kegel, it's not a kegel.

It's a back-door kegel?
Back-door kegels?

- That's not what it's called.
- Well, what is it?

Which door are
we talking about?

Yeah. Which door
are we talking about?

What part of the
door do you use to--

What part of the-the fruit
do you use?

The inner door.

I don't think
there's even

a kitchen appliance
that peels a kiwi.

Okay. Turn it off.
Get a, go get a kiwi.

- Hello?
- 'Hey, guys.'

How are you, sweetheart?

'Oh, just, you know.'

I can't really remember
why I'm in here.

Did I just have a baby?

- No.
- I don't think so, Jackie.

Oh, that's right.
I'm dying from lupus.

That's right.

I am so glad you guys came.

We are very happy
that we came, too.

You know what?

I'm gonna call
in an APB on account of this.

You know what? You can.

All cars,
calling all [bleep] cars.

This is Jackie

and I'm gonna be dead

in about 45 minutes.

And if you want
to come over here

and get your
sucked for a nickel

hell, I'll do it.

Oh, I'm gonna miss these lips
when I'm in hell.

- No, you are goin' to heaven.
- You're going the other way.

You are. You are.

- The Lord loves you.
- Yes, he does.

And your
scabs will be gone, and...

Oh, there are no
scabs in heaven.

Jesus doesn't even let you
have scabs there.

This is true.

Your crotch is gonna be
all clean.

My crotch will be healed
by the Lord.

Yes. It will.

It will be, hopefully,
healed closed

so I don't have to have

any more [bleep] abortions

'cause they cost a fortune.

Yeah.

Room 234! Hey!
I heard that they were...

- Hi, Junior.
- Hey.

- Oh, this Jackie.
- Yeah.

You wanna get
your [bleep] sucked?

'Don't act like
I haven't been there before.'

'Arr arr arr arr arr!'

Our friends at
the Washoe county animal shelter

have lots of pets that are ready
and available for adoption.

Ah.

This here is Sarsaparilla

and she's a three-year-old tabby

with lots of love
and tons of energy.

- This--
- 'Cat's in the box.'

That's Sarsaparilla?

What the [bleep]?
What's with the rat?

- 'They're all over the place.'
- I just picked up a rat?

Oh, [bleep]! Aw! Ew! Ew! Ew!

What do you consider
your job skills to be?

- Skating...
- Yep.

That's good.

High-fiving...

Skating and high-fiving.

Low-fiving...

low five, the antithesis
of high five

- And?
- And singing.

Singing.

So, Terry,
what you're basically saying

is, you could be in
"Starlight Express"

if they ever, ever are bold
enough to mount it again.

- Yes.
- Yes.

Possible "Starlight Express"
understudy.

You're off drugs now?
You're totally clean?

I'm so clean, it's not
even ridiculous.

- Not even ridiculous.
- Not even ridiculous.

Here's the thing,
I find that

eerily a little bit
disappointing

because if you're
not on drugs

if this is you
totally, totally clean

and you've missed
19 parole hearings

and you're working
at who let the clogs out?

That's kind of disappointing,
don't you think?

First of all,
I was voted the smartest

at my family reunion

like, hands down.

By the rest
of your family?

You can't put up two fingers
for the same thing.

You can't say you're smartest

at your family reunion,
hands down.

That's one thing.
That's one thing.

I was voted smartest
in my family reunion...

- That's one.
- Hands down.

No. That's part
of the same sentence.

You're saying two
parts of the same sentence

part one of the sentence

end of the sentence.

Those aren't two things.

Is it time for my enema?

- Not quite.
- Okay.

You got some guests here,
if you're feeling up to it.

- Hi!
- Hey, Jackie.

'Look who the cat's been to.'

They've got me on
so much [bleep] morphine here.

- 'There's oxygen in the--'
- Oh, it's fine.

Yeah. I don't think
that's a good--

Hey, hey, hey!

Oh, okay.

Oh, because why, on account of
the lung cancer?

If it's not the AIDS
that's gonna get me

it's the lung cancer.

That's what they say.

I don't think I'm long
for this world.

Does she do this a lot?

Only in the mornings

but I think she's fine.

She's just calming down.

I don't think
this is calming down.

I think this is it.
I think I've had it.

I'd like to say thank you
to everyone for coming.

- Off the record, obviously.
- Yes. Of course.

'I would like to thank
Will Ferrell, for some reason.'

If you were to leave,
what button--

If somebody
were to come in here

and turn that machine off,
what button would they push?

She's, listen

she's-she's thanking
the Hitler youth behind us.

Right. Good point.

Hamster dances...

Her last words
were "Hamster dances."

Man, if you wiped away
this makeup

she's a lot younger
than she looks

with the weird, kind of bloody,
pusy eye patch on.

Look at that.

She's so beautiful
and so young.

- It really is a tragedy.
- Yeah. What a tragedy.

- Ah!
- Ah!

You unplugged the wrong cord,
you mother[bleep].

- 'Hi.'
- 'How's the little guy?'

- How you doing?
- How are you?

You're in our custody.

The Reno sheriff's department
has become

a safe baby surrender site

which means that you can
drop off your baby here

uh, no questions asked

uh, and it will safely, uh

taken into the custody
of the state

handed over to child services.

Anybody know how to get him out
of this thing if he has

to make a deuce or something?

Does he have to?
Seems fine to me.

I mean, he doesn't
have to actually leave.

- I mean, he'd just do it.
- 'No.'

He's all in there.

Hey.

That'd freak me out.

Why would he like if you
ate his--

- Hey, guys?
- Oh.

Hey.

Why don't I get on
the phone to child services

and see if they can
get child services

to get their ass over here?

Now that we have two.

Oh, we got a wet one.

We got a wet one.
Hey, hey, hey, hey.

- Uh-oh.
- Two more.

This isn't cool, man.

♪ Little night ♪

Shh, it's okay.
It's okay. No, no, no.

You're gonna help us out here.

- We need a little back-up.
- No, but, no mine. No mine.

Is there anyone
out there in processing

with baby experience
of any kind?

Mine is suckling here, Jim.

'If he's suckling, he's quiet.
That's fine.'

'I don't care
if he's suckling.'

I usually charge
more for this [bleep].

Oh, dear Lord.

'We're out of prostitutes?
It's Tuesday night, boss.'

- You got it.
- Got one.

Got room for four more
on this one.

Es aqui.
Es aqui.

Thank you.
Thank you.

Hey, hey, hey!
How is the baby with a gun?

'How's the baby
with a gun?'

Is there no age limit?
What is the cutoff?

We're not gonna start getting
18-year-olds, are we?

ayudante del sheriff del departmento

Reno agulacil.

Les pido que no usan

los letreros de la keratera

para practica del tiro

y es su dinero

qui reparen esto letreros.

por que no usan
practica esta trio?

♪ comin' for to carry me home ♪

Oh! My God!

Muchos ninos que nosotros

no queremos tener.

You know what?
I have an idea.

'Holy [bleep]. God, sir?'

- 'Sir? Sir?'
- Yeah.

- 'Hold on.'
- Oh, man.

I feel like I'm moving
my legs rapidly.

- Do you see them moving?
- Let's take a look.

You know that...

he's separated
completely from his legs.

If we move this car,
he's dead.

This is so ironic,
this-this right here.

I was just with
some friends.

We were watching DVD's

and I got into
rather a heated argument

about M. Night Shyamalan
and the movie "Signs"

you know, when
the wife is dying

she's been hit
by the car

and I really thought
that was the moment

when he started
to kind of go downhill

and led, inevitably to
the sort of

postmodern dissonance
of "Lady In The Water."

We were just having that same
conversation on the way here.

You know what one
was his good one?

I liked "The Village."

Look, guys.

There were monsters
in that.

I was like,
"Are there really monsters?"

But then there weren't
really monsters.

What if there,
but what if there is a...

What if that happened?
That could happen.

No. It couldn't happen.

You want a twist ending

you want Nicolas Roeg's
"Don't Look Now."

Is that the one
with the talking babies?

- And Bruce Willis. Yeah
- No.

That guy from "Perfect"
has a baby, and the baby talks.

"Perfect?"

How about the guy from
"Saturday Night Fever"

or "Pulp Fiction"?

- "Perfect?"
- Who are you talking about?

- John Travolta.
- From-from "Perfect."

He, uh, guys...

It was great because, like,
they were trying to dance

but they knew
they could never be perfect.

You guys are police.

You obviously must have seen
Antonioni's "L'Avventura"

the missing girl,
the-the disconnected

from reality circle
of rich friends.

She goes missing.
They never find her.

What was the one
with the little two mice

who go find that little girl
down in the bayou?

That's "The Rescuers."

- Yay!
- Yeah!

It was horrible.

That was the valley
of the Disney animation regime.

That was when they were

that was during the time
of "Pete's Dragon"

and "Bed knobs and Broomsticks."

I hated them boys who were
trying to get "Pete's Dragon."

They were gonna make him
into a suit.

Awful! Oh, please
get the EMT's here.

Oh, you guys are just
bereft of any kind of culture

and any kind of knowledge
of the world of cinema.

- Hey, uh, uh, Joe--
- What's that over there?

Hey, Joe, what's
that over there?

No. You know that technically--

His legs are about
four feet that way.

We actually hit him, we bumped
over him on the way in.

That guy was very in touch
with his inner ass[bleep],

considering his ass
was about ten feet that way.

- Hey, Jackie.
- 'Oh, hey.'

'You guys didn't
come to visit.'

- Yeah.
- Yeah. We did.

Oh, hey, they're flowers

for smelling, huh, thank you.

Jackie, we collectively
got together

and prepared this note.

- "Dear Jackie..."
- 'Dear Jackie...'

"We are so sorry
you are in the hospital

"about to die.

"Hope-hope you die soon

"and pain-free.

- Wait a second.
- "Sincerely from all of us...

the Reno sheriff's
department."

Listen. Shut
the [bleep] up.

Now, little
miss this one

'this is something
that I think'

you will not
only appreciate.

It was my grandmother's

and my grandmother's
before hers

and now it is mine

and now I am giving it

passing it on down to you.

And I think you could probably
get some use out of it.

It's perfectly good.

I think just
a little crazy glue

and you're good to go, sister.

I'm not touching that.

Jackie, are you having
a hard time dying?

What do you mean,
"A hard time dying?"

Now I want you
to close your eye...

Okay, it's closed.

And visualize yourself
on a trampoline.

Is this like
a vision quest?

'Cause I fell for
this once before

and I woke up with cramps.

I-I just wanna help you
into the next life...

Okay! I'm thinking
about a trampoline.

Thinkin' about a trampoline,
and you're going up

and you're going down

and you're going up and down.

And then you jump off and over
the fence, and you're done.

- Oh, I'm gonna puke.
- Oh, crap.

Oh, God.

I didn't even know
if that would work.

I just read it
in "Reader's Digest."

I got yet another jumper
out on the old sparks bridge.

Life is worth living.
Life is worth living.

Don't do it. Don't do it.
Life is worth living.

'Sir, life is worth living.'

Don't do it, really.
Please don't do it.

Please don't do it.
It's really, really far down.

You do not want to do it.
Trust me, sir.

'Yeah. I think you're
right about that.'

Yeah. Yeah. You don't
wanna do it, trust me.

- I'm just so tired.
- I know.

Oh, bro, trust me.
I've been there.

You know, I could be in some
other house with some other job.

Man, that'd be,
like, the bomb, you know?

That'd be the greatest.

So, you know, you got
to look at it like that.

You got to look at it
like, like Tabula Rasa.

- Can I get a light?
- Oh, here you go.

Oh, [bleep].
Oh, [bleep] [bleep].

If you understand that
tomorrow is the first day

of the rest of your life,
wiggle your foot.

Hi, Jackie.

- It's Trudy.
- 'Hi.'

You look terrific.

- Oh, Trudy.
- High five.

Great. Okay.
That's enough, honey.

When we were
in the fourth grade...

I really appreciate
what you did for me

when you told Uncle Mel
that it was you

who put the cigarette butts
in his beer

and you took
the fall for me.

I don't know what
to say about that.

It's all good.

God bless you. You took
the beating of your life.

You took the beating
of your life for me, Jackie.

I'll never forget it.

God bless you.
Get your tongue out of my ear.

Get your tongue
out of my ear.

Okay. Okay. Okay.

Okay. Okay, don't touch.

No. Too much touching.

Okay. She's going to hell.

She's definitely
going to hell.

given to me
by Knackie Onassis herself.

Knackie Onassis?

Jackie Onassis herself!

She was once the queen!

Now listen.

She was the queen of style.

She was the queen of music.

She was the queen
of the scene.

Don't even get me started
on Jackie Onassis.

So, these are for you.
I hope you like them.

Don't sell them because I will
find you in the afterlife

and haunt the
out of you.