Original subtitles

Okay!

Today, we're jumping the shark.

'Uh, yeah. That's right.'

We're jumping the damn shark to fight autism.

Today we got it all worked out

and here we go.

- Third time's a charm. - Good eye.

'I'm not sure about this.'

Yeah!

'Oh, my God!'

'We got an officer down again.'

'He's spitting up blood!'

Sheriff's department, freeze! Get on the ground.

Freeze!

Oh!

What? What?

Alright.

This is not a show!

No, no!

Hell, no! We won't blow!

Yeah!

He's my friend.

- 'Good morning, gang.' - 'Morning.'

'If you see cats in the building today'

these are working cats.

Do not interfere with them.

Honestly, I think the vermin control people

were just out of ideas.

So they're going old school.

Uh, Junior and Garcia, today's the day...

- 'Hoy es la dia.' - Yeah.

We just wanted to stop by and give everybody one last chance

to come along with us.

Gonna be gone for two days

gonna be down on the border.

I think if we could go down there

with a contingency of eight, it would

really make Washoe County look real good.

- Going down there to do what? - 'What's the program?'

We are doing the "Good Fences Make Good Neighbors Program."

Basically, we are gonna build together

one eighth of a mile of fencing

on the Mexican border to help keep out Mexicans.

'It's symbolic.'

They're trying to send down a team

from every county in the nation.

And county by county, one eighth by one eighth

we'll have a whole wall there, from--

So you're building a symbolic wall?

So it's not really, you're just sort of pantomiming it?

No, it's a real--

No, it's a real...

...Home Depot material wall that will symbolize, you know...

It won't actually symbolize, it's literal.

- 'It's both.' - It's both.

- It's symbolic and literal. - Yeah.

If I could be the voice of smartness

I think it's wrong.

- In what way? - In what way?

- 'In all ways.' - 'Enlighten us.'

I believe that

all people of all cultures...

colors, creeds have come to--

'I have a dream!'

I gots a dream. We know.

It's, basically, like, you're going out to the desert

with a bunch of guys and beers and doing...

It's like Burning Man

for-for right-wing rednecks.

Yeah. We'll be shooting guns, too, though.

- 'Yeah.' - Oh, yeah.

We got a 911 call

up here at the National Forest

'from one of the rangers, I guess that's him right here.'

- 'Hey!' - Hurry, hurry, hurry!

- Hurry, hurry, hurry. - 'Sheriff's department.'

I got bit. I think it was a rattlesnake.

I don't know for sure, but I don't have a snake bite kit...

I don't know how long it takes for the venom--

- Okay, okay, okay. - Calm down, sir. Where was it?

Where did you get bit, sir?

Where did you get...

It kind of leaped out, look.

- Oh, whoa. - See?

Thank God I'm shaved, you can probably see the bite

a lot easier.

Look a little closer, by the taint

'Hey, guys, Sheriff's department.'

What's going on here?

This gentleman seems to have been bit--

I got bit by a rattlesnake.

You guys got to move quickly.

- Oh, my God. - Look, look, look.

You know, if one of you peels back the foreskin

it should be easier to see.

- Well, no. - No, it isn't.

If you didn't have so much ball powder on there--

- That's the foreskin? - It'd be easier to see.

Oh! You know what? Oh! Feeling a lot better.

Thank you very much. You were great.

I called you guys about some guy out here

showing people his wiener.

- Oh, oh. - Oh, hello, Yuma!

Hola, hombres.

- Hey! - 'What's up, man?'

- 'Jimmy, man.' - Hey, Lyle.

Man, how's your mama doing?

- She's alright, you know. - She good?

- Yeah. - Do you see her a lot?

Her boob's back on.

- Oh, yeah. - Yeah, yeah.

They figured out a way to put it back on there.

Yeah, you saved it on an ice chest or what?

Yeah. We saved it on ice, we froze it.

And then they thawed it out

and figured out a way to sew it back on.

That was terrible, when I heard about that thing.

It was my fault. It was my bad.

- It was an accident. - Yeah, well.

You know, water under the bridge. Water...

- Good to see you again. - Yeah, I hear you.

Greatest damn country on Earth.

You know what's great about this country

is that just like our forefathers before us

Benjamin Franklin probably stood

on a spot similar to this one

and said to himself, "Let's [bleep] it.

Let's make a country," and that's what

we're doing right now, we're making a country.

"I pledge allegiance to the flag...

"...of the United States of America.

"And to the Republic

"for which it stands

"one nation...

- "Undivisible! - Oh, dear God!

"With liberty

and justice for all."

Sweet.

- Hey, Joe!' - Hey, Jim.'

How them roller blades working out?

- They're alright. - 'Look at this.'

'They still do lemonade stands.'

'They do.'

'You know what I'm talking about.'

The Orientals are more industrious than us.

Look at that. Look at you go.

You know what? I'm a little bit light.

- How about a freebee? - No.

- What? - No.

- No? You said no? - No. No.

- To a freebee? - No.

- Law enforcement discount. - No.

- No? - No.

- Come on. Come on. - No. No.

- Come on! - No.

Do you know that you need a license

to operate a business in Washoe County?

Do you know that?

You got a food and beverage license?

Huh? Do ya?

Aah! Ah-ah! Oh, my God!

Aah!

- Whoo! - Whoo!

What else can we shoot? Let's shoot something else.

- How about the gas can? - That's a good idea.

Yeah! How 'bout that?

'Find a good spot, Lyle.'

'If you hit it at the bottom'

you'll blow up the whole "Hugo" there.

Grab ole Condi Rice there, see what she'll do.

- Alright, Condi. - 'Alright, Jimmy Jam!'

- Yoo! - 'Alright.'

Vaya con dios, gas can.

♪ Let's make America what it used to be ♪

I think you just missed

about 400 times in less than four seconds.

That's got to be some kind of [bleep] damn record.

Uh, we have a very serious problem here in Reno

on the public transportation system

with older, creepy pedophiles and perverts

groping our young ladies

on their way to and from school.

We have a small camera here

in this package of Rex cigarettes.

Testing, one, two, three, four.

The lips, the tip of the tongue, the teeth.

Here's our jailbait herself, Trudy Wiegel--

- Hello! - Dressed as a school mistress.

Here we go, here's the bus.

And we shall snap into action.

Alright.

Okay, good.

Echo base to Ladybug.

Check, check, I can hear you fine.

- Work it. - Uh-oh.

I just dropped my delicious lollipop

that I was gonna eat with my tongue.

Oh, I can get it.

And he is... I can't read him from here.

I can't read him from here, I can't read him from h...

Oh. We lost him, we lost him.

We lost him.

Hawaiian Shirt wanted to tug one off on you.

Go, do it, work it.

Gosh, it's even more bouncy up here than it is back there.

I don't know how you guys are even standing still.

Excellent. I'm ready to pounce.

My boobs are going all over the place.

- It's so bouncy up here. - Excellent.

I can't see from my position.

Does he have an erection, Ladybug?

Does he have an erection?

Oh! Excuse me. I'm so sorry.

- I don't see one. - Hurry up.

Give me an R, R.

- Give me an O, O. - Excellent.

- Give me a C, C. - Excellent.

Give me a D, D. What does it spell?

Rocd... rocd, rocd, rocd.

I got my first pubic hair this week.

My boob was out and all the guys were looking

and I was, like, "It's totally cool with me"

"'cause I am loose

"and free with my body

like any girl my age should be."

- Miss? - Yes?

I'm not sure those can hold your weight.

Our friends at the Washoe County animal shelter

have lots of furry friends

who are currently available for adoption.

This here is Scooter.

Scooter doesn't have a family

and he's looking for one in the Reno, Tahoe area.

Scooter is a very smart dog.

In fact, Scooter is, like

a little detective himself.

He led law emergency workers

to where his old family had been

burned to death in a fire.

In fact, he even tried to rescue one of them.

But you didn't, did you?

No, you didn't.

They're all burned and dead.

So, if you're looking for a dog that's loyal

come on down... today.

The Washoe Co...C...

The Washoe County animal shelter

where, every day

it's raining cats

and dogs.

Hey, buddy.

You're going three miles an hour on a one-way street.

And you got no lights on. What's the problem?

Okay.

Okay.

If you can just step away from the light.

I really need to give you that ticket, okay?

It's the end of the month.

And I was like, whoo!

He's thinking about it.

It's not working, Jim.

Erection check.

I can't see. I can't see.

I do not have a clear view of--

I just perfected my splits just now

which is so weird, it's such a strange time.

But, oh, my God. I can barely get up.

Jim, this is Ladybug. I need your help.

- I am stuck in-- - Ugh.

- Oh! - Oh, thank you.

I love being touched by older

adult gentlemen.

Excuse me? You're an undercover cop, right?

Um, that construction worker

has been showing me his balls since 2nd Avenue.

My theory about the Latin invasion is this...

I don't care if your back is wet

as long as your money is green, okay?

I'm not gonna pick strawberries.

For my money, you know, I don't care if you, if you...

Raise the border

put that Mexican border a little higher on the continent

just as long as you don't bring

the Canadian border down any.

That's the problem.

Looks like we lost a couple to the heat.

Couple of good guys.

I don't blame 'em. It's too hot to work, man.

- Very hot. - Didn't use to get this hot.

damn Al Gore.

Yeah, Al Gore

done put all the ozone in the air.

And next thing you know, it's like

we're living in a greenhouse.

You know, I think our grandchildren

are gonna be so happy

that we spent today...

- Working hard in this heat. - That's right.

- Building a fence. - Mm-hm.

So that they can have white people

busing their tables one day.

- That's right. You know? - Mm-hmm.

I didn't actually take a day off work

'cause I can't work.

- Yeah. - Really?

Nope. I can't. I got split lung.

- Split lung? - Yeah.

- You on worker's comp for that? - Yeah. I got workman's comp.

I actually discovered it

'cause I was at the Bologna factory.

And they was, like, "Hey, we're gonna promote you.

We're gonna put you in charge of the separation vat."

And I was, like, "That's just gonna mean more work."

And the next thing I know, I got split lung.

- And you know... - Mm-hm.

I can't work. I have to lay down every 20 minutes.

Do you remember anything at all?

I remember

that a bus driver

pointed me here and said to come in.

- Mm-hmm. - Because...

He said I have that thing. Oh, man...

'Amnesia. You have amnesia.'

I don't remember what he called it.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. I do remember.

'Okay.'

- I have... I have a car. - Okay.

Does that give you anything to go on?

Go ahead.

- It's black. - Black car.

It's just a car, it's a black...

I think it's a Trans Am, I think.

- Okay. - It talks. Its name is Kit.

We go around the country and we solve crimes--

No, sir. No, no, no, no, no.

It talks. It's fast, too.

And it's got a top, and I can...

- No, sir. That's, that's-- - Michael Knight.

- No. That's not-- - Write that down.

- That's the "Knight Rider." - That's a television show.

- That's not your identity. - You're right.

Sir, you have a lot... you have a lot of blood on you.

Yeah.

Do you remember what happened with the blood, how...

I got it in Vietnam, I was in Vietnam

with a crack commando squad

and we were falsely accused and wrongly convicted

of a crime we didn't commit.

Now, we exist on the Los Angeles Underground.

- And if you can find us... - Yeah.

Maybe you can hire...

Do you have a black dude with a Mohawk?

- Yes. - No, sir. No, you don't.

- No, that's, that's-- - How would you have known that?

I'm Robert Siegel.

And I'm Linda Wertheimer.

"All Things Considered... NPR."

- Sir, you woke up this morning. - Yeah.

you put on your suit, you were in your home

- Yeah. - What happened after that?

- I do remember. - Okay.

- 'Alright.' - Ah.

I killed my wife this morning.

Hello, I'm gonna need a trustee

to follow a bloody white man

running around the station.

He doesn't know where he is.

Just bring him back... bring him back here to Booking.

Hi, the bus driver

said that I should come in here.

- Said I have that thing. - 'Yeah.'

Sure. You do. Yeah.

We got a report of a jumper over on this bridge here.

'There he is.'

- Go away. - 'No.'

- Get out of here! - 'Calm down, sir.'

- 'Sir. Sir.' - 'Stop it!'

- You don't want to do this. - I'm crazy.

- I'm going right now. - Oh, you're crazy?

- You're crazy? - Yeah, I am.

- Don't make him mad. - No. I'm gonna jump.

No, I want to jump. No, no, no, no. No, no...

- Hold it, please! - No, no, no, no!

I'm crazy!

No, no, no, no, no! This is my bridge.

I was here first! I was here... I was here...

You wanna do it? I first!

Get outta here! Oh.

- I saw this in a movie once. - You're good.

Jones?

What the hell movie was that you saw that in?

Is it... Oh, it is!

- New night sticks are here. - Yay!

- About time. - I can't wait.

- What is this, German? - Yeah.

The nacht-fun... the night...

- The night-- - Wow.

- This whole manual's in German. - The night stalker.

Is it a Taser, too?

Oh! Whoa! Whoa!

It's really... it's really strong.

- And it gets very, very hot. - Okay.

'Touch it. Feel how hot it is.'

'Oh, my gosh! What is the point of that?'

What does that, what does that little speaker right there mean?

- Is it voice activated? - Maybe so.

Whoa, oh, whoa, whoa, whoa. It does. You're right.

- Voice activated? - That's what this is for.

Cover your eyes, cover your eyes, cover your eyes...

Guys, seriously, watch your eyes.

Eins! Ouss!

- Hitler! - Don't.

Okay, technically that's an Austrian name.

What are you doing with my vibrator?

I'm bummed about Garcia and Junior

being gone all day.

'Cause usually...

Garcia usually clocks in for me.

I go into the evidence locker

and take about a half-hour nap every day

half-hour to an hour.

And he clocks in for me.

Is she listening?

Is she listening to this?

She's listening.

Okay.

Okay.

I'm just gonna play possum on this one.

You know what, the Samoans are famous

for cooking things in dirt.

Oh [bleep] damn, it's like sitting

next to the damn nature channel.

You're, like, an encyclopedia of bore-tanica.

That's right.

- You're a thesaurus of... - You're a the-snorus.

'I'm smelling that Carne asada.'

I don't think we should do it. I don't think it's right.

Is it right that Americans

starve to death?

- No, sir. - No, sir.

- No, sir. - That's a good point.

If we're using it as fuel to build a wall

to keep them out, then I think it's okay.

That is, that is taking...

...a resource and putting it towards a good plan.

It's like using their own strength against 'em.

It's like using rape money

in order to build a hospital.

Rape money?

Money from a rape.

'Uh, hola, hola, senorita.'

- Como esta? - Muy bien, gracias.

- Carne asada todo? - Oh, si.

Carne asada is steak? Yeah, yeah, si.

Ask her if she's got apple pie.

You got apple pie in that cart?

Lyle, do you want to eat or do you want

to be a [bleep] jackass?

Little of both, I guess.

- That's good stuff. - Oh, look, man.

'We should see if they want...'

'to maybe earn a little money fixing a fence.'

'It is hot.'

- They are built for it. - Yeah.

You boys want to make 40 bucks?

Si? Si. Es bueno.

'And do it... do it right!'

'Be nice.'

- Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho! - Careful.

- USA! - USA! U...

Oh, [bleep].

- Skedaddle, boys. - We gotta get out of here.

- Come on. I got it. - Come on.

- I got it, I got it. - Go! Go! Go!

- Go, go, go, go, go-- - Gary, go!

Gary!

I'm staying.

Yeah, I get it, man. She's hot.

- Alright. - Bye, Gary.

Take care, man.

'Wait! The policia!'

What are we up to, fellas?

Hey, where you going?

Soy Americano!

Hey! Hold it right there.

- Hey! You! - 'Get him!'

'Shoot the beaner!'

- Got him. - Oh.

That's a classic slide tackle, he's got military training.

for everybody

in Washoe county, so--

Yeah, but, you gotta...

That fifth generation had to come over here from somewhere.

Junior's... Junior's French.

- Juniet. - French?

Yeah, they came after the Civil War.

Uh, they... selling beavers.

- I don't want to talk about it. - So you're a beaver trapper?

In 1875 you didn't have to trap your own beavers.

Smart businessmen

bought the beavers, resold 'em.