Original subtitles

Here in Washoe County, we lose about 17 percent

of our mailboxes a year

due to, uh, kids driving around with baseball bats.

Uh, hard to catch these bastards

so, what I'm going to do is I'm going to rig every mailbox

on this block with a paint bomb.

The kind used in banks.

Uh, these things are, uh

very sensitive precision, French-made...

Sheriff's department, freeze!

Get on the ground. Freeze.

What? What?

Alright.

- There's a tornado! - Oh, no!

'Hell, no, we won't blow.

Yeah!

He's my friend.

'Good morning, gang.'

Uh... Phantom limbs.

Uh, that camp that they have, uh, in Sparks

for the limbless children is looking for volunteers...

- Not it. - I didn't say you had to.

They're looking for volunteers, for instructors

'cause a lot of these kids are from Bosnia

'and the eastern countries where they still have'

a serious, serious problem with land mines.

If they were American kids, I'd consider it, but they're--

Oh, my God, we don't have a really serious problem

with undetonated land mines around here.

So, I'm sorry that we're importing our limbless children

to push them around a pool in Sparks.

Hey, Jim, what do you call a kid

who has no arms and no legs in a pool?

Bob.

A Bosnian, a little Bosnian orphan.

That's what you called him.

'Uh, in other news, uh'

Burger Cousin has been robbed

eleven times

in the past 16 days.

- 'Bad neighborhood.' - Uh...

Jones and Garcia, I'm assigning you.

'I'd like you to go undercover.'

Uh, we need, we need some people inside the Burger Cousin.

We need two p... Two good people inside.

So, we're earning double, then?

No, you're earning your sheriff's salary.

But not a Burger Cousin wage on top of it?

No, when we, when we do, for example

when Trudy does undercover prostitution stings

she actually gave two jobs, remember?

Yeah, and I didn't... I didn't get to keep the money.

- We never keep the money. - Why not?

Well, because I didn't swallow. Because I didn't swallow.

- Where did the money go? - Uh...

Uh, that money went, uh to the knock hockey table

that we enjoy down in the rumpus room.

Yeah, so, the next time you're playing knock hockey

just think of me off some crackhead.

- Looks like this is our... - Okay, yes.

Oh, thank the Lord, okay.

'Hey, baby, what's going on?'

Bravo, thank you so much for coming.

So, here's what I want to make sure

you all understand right now, right off the top.

I called you

to report a crime

that I don't have nothing to do with.

- Okay? - 'Well, this is a first.'

I'm not involved in the crime

I didn't perpetrate the crime

I didn't do anything, okay? I was--

- Can we get to the crime? - Yes, ma'am, yes!

I was minding my, I was walking down the street, okay

and I was, indeed, I'm not going to lie

I'm a vagabond, a bit

I'm a little bit of a vagabond

I was looking for shelter.

I found this vehicle, the window was open

and I climbed in. I climbed into the car.

Okay, so, you called us to tell us that you climbed into a car?

Yes, and I looked in the trunk

and there's something in the trunk

that I think may be of interest to you.

So, I made sure that I called immediately.

- What's in the trunk? - It's... There's a head.

There's a head in the trunk. There's a head.

Twenty-three-year-old male head.

Hypothetically, if I had severed the head--

- Yeah, let's get to that. - If I had done it...

- Okay. - Okay.

Then...

What would the repercussions be?

- Hypothetically? - Just hypothetically speaking--

- If you had done it? - Let's say...

Let's say I was not me. Let's say I was a different--

Let's do... Let's play role play.

You be... You be you.

- We gonna be us, okay? - Okay, I'll be me.

We would be, like, "Hold up."

Stop, freeze, stop in the name of the law.

- Don't move. Don't move. - Get them guns out my way.

- Freeze! - I'm crazy!

- I'm crazy! - And then we would go...

"Boom, boom, boom."

There's a head in that trunk, oh, Lord

- There's a head-- - Oh, I'm bleeding.

I'm bleeding. I hate you, Jerome.

- Why did you betray me? - You said, "Jerome, stop."

We're not role-playing anymore, we're playing real life.

- Why did you say Jerome? - 'Bec..'

Well, that's my cousin's name, it just come to me right now.

Is your cousin living or is he dead?

He is alive, he is alive with the Lord.

- Alive with the Lord. - Get your ass in the car.

Hypothetically speaking

you're about to get

your salad tossed in prison.

Oh, okay, well

thank God it's hypothetical.

Okay.

- Hello? - Yo.

- Hey. - 'Hey.'

Hey. Hey, what's going on? What's up?

- You guys, you're the guys? - Yeah.

Okay, well, you're already late

so, we're not getting off to a good start here.

- Well, it was 'cause-- - I don't even need any excuses.

I need you guys here, 'cause I'm sick of getting robbed.

I want to make sure that you are alert and on duty.

All my workers that work here

they follow the rules in place

but they also follow Rick's rules, you understand?

I'm the manager, I'm the boss.

You listen to me. Absolute authority.

- You are the manager? - Yes, sir.

- You're the boss? - Yeah, Rick the Manager.

That's me, see the name tag? Rick?

Do I need to put a "The manager" underneath it

or can we just go on my word?

So, if you follow my rules, things should go well.

- Ready? - Okay.

'Let's enter the sterile area.'

You are now entering the Burger Cousin kitchen.

This is where the magic happens.

This is where all the food is prepared.

This is where our patrons come in and enjoy

the wonderful meals and, and, and

and and environment

that Burger Cousin has to offer.

I don't ever want you guys to enter the back.

If you've to go to the bathroom, let me know

I'll walk you around the back to the pay bathroom.

There are tokens for it. That jar right there is for tips.

I'll collect all the tips at the end of the day

and distribute them as I see fit.

I know you guys are working "Undercover"

I know this is supposed to be a "Cush" job

but I need you guys to work

and give the appearance of professionality.

I don't want you guys it up today.

- Okay? - Okay.

There won't be any [bleep] ups.

- Good. - No [bleep] ups.

Don't use that language in here.

- Well, you-- - That's me. I'm the Manager.

Now, I'm going to go masturbate in the back

you guys get to business.

Got a call about a angry mob.

- Yeah. - Angry mob, Jesus.

I think the radio's on the fritz, that can't be right.

Angry mob, we haven't had an angry mob

since the '70s, I don't think.

Since that guy was experimenting on monkeys out there.

- 'Oh, son of a bitch.' - 'Oh, man.'

Just go past 'em, they don't want anything to do with us.

'Ah, ah, ah... Mike.'

- 'Now, Mike.' - What?

We got a call about a angry mob.

I ain't seen 'em.

You wouldn't know anything about that?

No, it's just me and Stewart hanging out.

- Hanging out? - 'Hanging out?'

- Yeah... - Not, not...

Not forming an angry mob to rush on something.

- No. - Yeah?

Not...

Concerned about the Italians

that moved in right over there.

Hey, have a some pizza pie!

That's, you are a heartbeat away...

That's a hate crime, do you understand that?

The combination of the torch and the funny accent.

I'm-I'm not saying I don't like them.

I'm saying it just would've, we...

Stewart would prefer it if someone else would live there--

'Don't hide behind Stewart! Don't hide behind Stewart!'

I don't think... I don't think you're the ringleader here.

'It's funny, he don't even know what the hell you're talking--'

He said, he said

he said, he said this morning

"Mike, we gotta go over there

Italians are ruining the neighborhood."

- He did. - Stewart said that?

- Stewart said that? - 'Is that true?'

Did you wake him up and say Italians

are ruining the neighborhood?

Pretty sure that's what he said.

Stewart, you got your whole life

ahead of you, son, don't grow up to be like this man.

Don't be like this, okay?

- Yeah. - You could be anything.

You could be a priest, you could be--

He couldn't be a priest, buddy.

If you've seen the he does on a daily basis.

He is one randy child. Aw, come on.

Stewart, we're going to take you to school.

Come on, this ain't funny.

- So, you don't-- - Uh...

No, it is funny.

I'm getting up, and I'm going to get it on.

- You want to drive? - You want to drive?

Yeah, come on, got to learn sometime.

- Alright. - Where are the rollers?

He's going to want to know where that is.

See, now, if you run this fellow over...

- It ain't our fault. - Ain't our fault.

Hola.

Hello, sir, welcome to Burger Cousin.

May we take your order, please?

Yes, you may, I would like

food for myself and for my family.

Myself, my beautiful wife

and my two children.

Maybe I would like to have

a burger with cheese

and onions and no mayo.

- Burger-- - And ketchup...

- Uh, erase. - 'And mustard.'

'Uh, if you don't mind...'

Do I need to slow down

or is this a professional operation?

My children would like chicken nuggets

from the children's menu.

- Okay. - Chicken nuggets for...

For Jimmy over here.

A corn dog and grilled cheese for Bobby, over here.

How much is all that?

- Well, let's-- - Um...

$1.85.

That sounds like an incredible bargain.

And freeze.

Alright, gentlemen, that was a hell of a drill.

Now, the truth of the matter is, that was a poor performance.

- 'Alright.' - Alright?

First of all, you didn't move fast enough.

You missed almost everything that I ordered.

He wasn't supposed to--

I don't want either of you blaming each other.

You gotta work in tandem if this is going to work.

You guys work as police officers.

Who do you have? You have each other.

You got your partner, you're, like, "Hey, I need backup."

That doesn't mean "Hey, I'm going to blame you

for everything that goes wrong."

I don't need you guys

playing any kind of grab-ass behind the counter.

And when customers come in here, I don't need them thinking

"I'm going to get raped with my burger."

'Got another call about these [bleep]'

'damn kids blowing up cats.'

- 'Son of a bitch.' - 'Kids today. Kids today.'

'They play the Grand Theft Auto, do whippets--'

And they [bleep] each other off on the YouTube.

Fireworks, illegal.

Open intoxication, illegal.

- Open container, illegal. - Oh.

- Oh, oh. - Oh, man.

- What do we got here, huh? - Poor little guy.

- Blowing up cats today, huh? - Sweetest little creature on--

Yeah, what are we doing with these, huh?

Huh, huh?

Travis, Travis, Travis, Travis, Travis, Travis!

Travis, already lit, it's already lit!

It's already lit!

Water, water, Travis, Travis, Travis, Travis!

Whew.

Don't make us come out here again.

Hello, welcome to Burger Cousin

this is Jones.

- Hold on. - Did you wanna...

Hi, this is Burger Cousin, how may I help you?

Uh, that gentleman is someone

who has just started working for us.

Why? Do you have some kind of complaint?

Okay.

I'll handle it. Thank you very much.

Work on your phone voice.

The Reno Sheriff's Department

uh, recently rescued

a young woman named Cindy

who was on the path to becoming a sex slave in her country.

And now, she has a chance at a better life.

'Uh, hey, Cindy.'

- Hi, there! - How you doing?

It's your friend Cheresa come to visit.

Oh, you look so pretty today.

Well, thank you.

I have a spot right here--

Oh, good.

That is so... It's like a rock.

Oh, honey, you don't need to ask me

more than one time.

- Oh, honey-- - That's real good.

- That's real good. - Right there?

- That's good. - Like that?

Oh... Oh, yeah.

- You like that one? - Yeah.

Little bit harder this time. Okay.

- Uh... - Good, huh?

Hi, there, officer handsome.

We've talked about this.

- Reno 911, what you want? - She, uh...

- She was just filing a few-- - Okay.

She was...

We don't have to have a sidebar about treating her like a sex--

- No, we don't. - We don't.

Sheriff's department!

- Hello? - Sheriff's department!

Yeah?

Wow...

Uh, you wanna set down the giant, double-pronged dildo?

Is it all right if we step inside the premises?

- 'Yeah.' - The thing is...

It's about the flyers.

'Yeah, that's why we came.'

'Cause that red is too much?

No, no, I think the red actually looks kind of good.

- I think it looks good. - Oh, well, thank you.

It calls a lot of attention to your information.

- Thank you. - Like, for example...

Come in for [bleep] torture

dildo punishment, [bleep] play

- Uh-huh. - Tea-bagging, ball clamping...

- And other. - And other, yeah.

- Well, the problem is, sister-- - Yeah.

If I may?

That you have this up

at the Farmer's Market

and it didn't go over too well.

These people down here were angry.

- The bottom line is-- - I'm not offended!

I'm fine with butt plugs.

- I'm fine with tea-bagging. - Oh, you see?

I'm fine with [bleep] torture.

I'm fine with ball clamping.

The kettle corn people at the Farmer's Market are not.

And what does kettle corn have to do with a butt plug?

- Nothing, they just-- - So, then, if it's nothing...

Then why are they complaining? That's [bleep].

They're taking away my freedom of speech.

Here's the, here's the power...

The structure pyramid around here.

Okay, there's the mayor...

There's the kettle corn people

there's us.

The kettle corn people give a lot of money

to the sheriff's department.

And [bleep] rolls downhill.

They told us to come over here

and ask you not to hand out the flyers

at the Farmer's Market

'cause you're hurting kettle corn business

with the tea-bagging and butt clamping offers.

Can you just, can you just not do it?

Sister, I'm going to do that for you.

You say no, it's done.

- I can't understand them. - So, could we not--

Could we-could we agree to do it differently?

- Yes, sister. - It's like music.

You know what, I don't want to say it around him--

You can see the notes in the conversation.

Just picture, picture all the words on, like, a staff.

Will you?

Sister, I'm... And you know what?

Gratis, free, free, I'm going to teach you

so, you know, 'cause they already stole enough from us.

And he is trying to steal my freedom of speech

and I'm going to agree... Because I'm agreeing with you.

They don't even know.

- I like you, girl. - I like you back.

Yeah, I like you, girl.

- You come back. - Hey, Williams.

'Thank god we got black people on the force!'

She's a dude.

- No way. - Yep.

- You lying. - Nope.

- Her name's Jeff. - How you know?

I swam in high school with him.

- What the hell? - He used to have the second--

He used to have the second largest

I'd ever seen at the time.

At the time.

You [bleep] damn bus drivers

ain't above the law.

Rolling stop is not a stop make, my friend.

Oof.

Missed me, you son of a bitch!

Uh, Lady Wolf Pack won again last night.

Uh, there was a fairly large riot.

Um, which means

most of our regular perpetrators

and recidivists are, uh, in jail.

And it's very quiet out on the streets

so, we just figured we'd goof around

with the polygraph a little bit more.

'Raineesha Williams.'

'Yes, that is my name.'

'I have a question.'

Isn't it true that your tubes are not

in fact, tied?

That you, in fact, are planning on trapping

Deputy Jones into fatherhood

and marital...

'...not-so-much-bliss with him?'

What's true is that you are a dirty bitch

and you never should've told what I told you.

'When I told you something in private.'

That's what's true. You want to see if that's true?

Ask me if she a dirty bitch.

Oh, I know I'm a dirty bitch.

- I know that. - Alright, everybody calm down.

This is why I said we should play Boggle instead.

No, remember the last time we played Boggle

I got a broken nose.

Yeah, well, you were being a

during Boggle last time, that's why. .

No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Everyone calm down!

Everyone calm down, calm down.

- Calm down. Calm down. - Breathe in.

Look, you said some nasty things.

You were kind of being a when we were playing Boggle...

Trudy, Trudy!

Excellent, just like that.

Deposit all that in the trash in back.

I just...

Gotta take care of it. Gotta work on the fly.

I'm keeping you sharp, man.

Things like that are going to happen all day.

I'm keeping you sharp.

That looks good. You handle burgers before?

Nope, this is my first.

You doing a good job. Look like you're a natural.

Good job.

Now, what did I do wrong?

- Uh... - What did I do wrong?

You...

I had inappropriate sexual contact

with your buttocks.

I was getting to that, yeah.

- That's what I did wrong. - Okay.

Okay, I need you to report

any kind of activity like that to me directly.

I don't want to have any harassment suits here.

Okay, so, anything like that happens

you report it directly to me.

- To you? - Exactly.

- Okay. - Now, tend to those burgers.

- Okay. - Okay, good job.

'Got a couple of lovebirds'

trying to do a bungee marriage

on the bridge here.

Jordan, do you take Shane

to be your lawfully wedded husband?

Hey, there! Sheriff's department.

'Who invited the cops to my wedding?'

Yeah, break it up.

Sorry, we're actually having a ceremony.

I'm sorry, we're actually not allowing...

- ...you to do that here. - ...trying to do our jobs.

This is, uh, illegal.

You can't bungee jump off this bridge.

Shane!

Don't act like you don't know me.

I see that you, uh, recovered from your bachelor party

which I performed at the other night.

Actually, you...

Caught that boiled egg in your mouth.

- Oh, yeah, right. - And I saved it because...

I just couldn't believe it I've never seen that

it's like getting a hole-in-one.

- Whoa. - Whoa.

Okay...

'This is disgusting. I can't do this anymore.'

Here he comes. Here he comes.

What did I say about private chit-chat?

You said that we should consult with you

to have a con... conversation.

No, I said there's absolutely no private, personal chit-chat.

It's not appropriate for the workplace environment.

- Okay. - Um...

So that chili I had for lunch

resulted in an explosive bathroom experience

and, uh, I don't know how to put this delicately

but I missed the toilet entirely.

It was as if there was a vacuum

sucking things out of my body

and just projecting them all over the bathroom walls.

Now, I'm gonna need you guys to clean it up.

So, here's some tokens.

I'm gonna need you guys to go into the bathroom

and just, top to bottom, scrub it.

It was horrible and I'm, I'm embarrassed

and I hate to ask you to do this

but it's your responsibility, technically

and I'm gonna, I'm gonna need you to clean that [bleep] up.

And then I'm gonna need you to clean that [bleep] up.

Oh, so it's gonna be like that?

I thought you guys were professional.

Are you quitting on me? I want to hear you say it.

Are you quitting on me?

You [bleep] quitters!

Jesus, I thought those douchebags

would never leave.

Get the money out of the register!

Act like your job is so tough.

"I'm big, important manager man."

I've done your job all day.

Now, on the ground!

By the way, this place is a [bleep] hole.

I will require you to operate the cash register

but I do not want you to handle the cash.

Whenever the drawer is open and people handle money

You call me in.

I will be the only one to touches money.

That way your hands never touch money

that way the dirt from the money

never transfers from your hands to the food

That way people aren't concerned

that the grubby hands that they're puttin'

into the pockets or all over their genitals

is getting touched on to the food, you know,

vicariously through your hands.

Okay.

You understand what I'm saying?

So, you'll be pushing the buttons

I'll be touching the money.