Original subtitles

We got a call about a pipe bomb inside the high school.

So we're using our new high-tech bomb robot.

It's got a mini 14 assault rifle, night vision

it's made in France.

It... There it is, there it is.

Okay, okay, talk to me, talk to me, I got it!

- I got it. - 'You got it.'

- That's right! - Whoo!

'Good job!'

- Nice, huh? - 'You want to stop it then?'

'Stop it.'

Who speaks French? Anyone?

'What's mise aux feu?'

I can't get up. Oh, God, turn it off!

Sheriff's Department, freeze! Get on the ground.

Freeze!

Ohhh!

- The tornado. - No!

Yeah!

Yah!

'So, then I just took dried macaroni'

and I glued it onto a vase.

'Oh.'

And then I put, I think they were buttons--

Uh, my gosh, big news.

Um, do you remember how I told you that my father abandoned me

when I was a little boy, he left me, my mother then later killed

herself, and I was sent to live with my uncle Frederick?

In the meantime, my dad went and started

a new family in Chicago, a black family.

Uh, now, my dad, it turns out, is dead.

- Oh... - No, no, [bleep] him.

He was a total turkey, abandoned me.

I was forced to live with my uncle Frederick.

Long story short, I have these black siblings

Erique and Bethany, that live in Chicago.

Ah, they are coming here... to settle the will.

- Oh, good for you. - Ohh.

Somebody's about to get paid.

Anyway, I-I want to give the impression

that I'm a little bit less...

...of a creepy, weird, gay guy, you know?

So, basically, I'm just sort of looking for...

I want a girlfriend for the night.

I'd do anything for you, girlfriend.

This time, Ray-Ray, I really kind of wanted to go Urban.

♪ Pretty pretty please be my black girlfriend ♪

- Oh, come on. - Be my black girlfriend.

♪ It's only for one night it's only for one night ♪

♪ Be my black girlfriend be my black girlfriend ♪

♪ Please ♪

Why do I feel like the undertone of that singing

is that it's mandatory?

'Cause it is.

- Look at this. - Idiots!

Oh!

- Ohh... - 'Hey, oh.'

I see we got a couple more takers

for the $50 challenge, brothers.

You want to go two on one, I'll take you two on one.

- Nobody... - Tag-team, handicap.

First blood, however you want it.

No, it is illegal to have backyard wrestling matches

and you can't have that, sir, so we're shutting this down--

It's illegal to look this good and be this bad, brothers!

- Come on, little birdies. - We're gonna shut it down.

Everybody, we're leaving.

- Everybody stop. - Don't sing it...

- ...bring it! - What?

Free head butt, my head's as hard as a coconut.

- Try it, brother. - It's not harder than my stick.

It's gonna crack your head in half.

You want me to put the cage up, brother?

- We'll do a cage match. - We got a cage for you.

We got a cage for you Downtown.

Hell in a cell, brothers.

Smash 'em down to China, brothers.

Junior?

'Travis?'

Hi.

Fifty bucks is 50 bucks.

Let's go, come on, now Come on! Junior, Come on.

- Whaa! - Bring it, bring it.

- Let's go, junior. - Come on.

Come on, June bug.

- Let's go, let's go. - Let's go.

- Let's go! - Ahh.

So, you know, uh, you know, my tragic life story, right?

Yes.

Ah, anyhoo, so...

Yes, you drove your daddy away.

Oh, no, no, no. I didn't drive my daddy away.

Who said I drove my daddy away? My daddy left on me and my mama.

Then she, pow! Then I was raised by uncle Frederick

who was kicked out of the Jesuits.

And you don't blame yourself at all for you daddy?

- No. - Going away, and your mom, pow!

- No! - Interesting.

We got a 911 call at the local brothel, The Cathouse.

Ho! Sheriff's department, somebody causing some trouble.

- Oh, son of a gun! - Oh here we go... Oh, no.

Everything's under control, ma'am,

everything's under control.

- Ho, ho, ho, ho! - The dispute's here.

The dispute's here.

Did you call 911?

Yes, I did. I did call 911.

I am happy to admit it

because there has been injustice.

I got off work, alright?

And I just wanted to come here, you know, just to shake it off.

- Shake off the-- - Have sex at the brothel.

Have sex, put your penis into things.

I only had $15. so what I wanted.

Was a creme de menthe on my member, alright?

- Clarify, clarify. - Creme de menthe.

The-the young ladies will put creme de menthe in their mouth.

They will go [bleep] on your member, and give you pleasure

and that gives you that tingling.

- That minty, minty. - Yeah, exactly.

When you're in Reno, I'd recommend one.

And that's what, that's what I was going for

but I knew from the minute that she went

That was not creme de menthe in her mouth

but it was peach schnapps.

- That's what I paid for. - You dialed 911 for this?

- You called us. - And I'll tell you right now.

Yes?

You want to know the truth, you taste my manhood.

Just taste my manhood. Just touch it, then taste it.

take your hand and touch it and then lick your fingers.

Why don't we send your manhood to the lab

and have the boys in the lab go?

I'll, I'll go with you right now.

You want to take a swab, if you got a little Q-Tip

and you take a swab off my member--

I ain't gonna take a swab off your member.

No one's swabbing your member.

I've seen "CSI," you take a quick swab

and you take that in there and boom, boom, boom.

This is not...

Someone I tell you, that's gonna be that moment

'cause they'll come in, and they'll go

"You gotta get in here, get in the evidence room."

Swab a member.

Yeah, and that guy goes, "Get in this evidence room"

They go, bom, bom, bom, this is not creme de menthe.

Well, thank you so much

for that wonderful reenactment of "CSI."

And you are gonna feel foolish!

I took an African dance class when I heard that his sibling...

My black siblings were coming, yeah.

Because I thought I could be of some use.

And now I hear that my services are unnecessary.

- No, they're unwanted. - Okay.

'Cause what do we say sometimes?

What comes out, the horrible little bird

that comes out of our mouth and says--

We're not gonna do that.

But you, this time you said it.

I know.

Let's say it together.

See?

It's a horrible little bird in your mouth.

And where do we send that bird?

To Auschwitz.

No.

- Back inside. - Back inside.

Only to resurface again with another inappropriate [bleep].

Basically, I don't need much.

Already I went and I took down

I believe, most of the gay stuff.

- No, you didn't. - Yeah, I did.

You're saying that's gay?

- I'm saying it's super gay. - To the naked eye, okay.

Super gay, get your boys up here.

'Down, down.'

Why?

Why do you think?

- That's not gay. - What is it?

There's nothing gay about that.

I like pirates and I like actors.

And I like men who act like pirates.

- We need to get-- - And I like smooth little boys.

Yeah, you're probably right.

Look, this man has a sign that says "I'm super gay."

I know. that's kind of good, though.

That's different, a lot of people might have that, well.

- No. - Yeah, probably not.

Kind of gay.

Can we get rid of the number one boyfriend statuette?

Yep.

- Put it in a box. - This is not gay.

But I could see that black people might not love it.

When I think about Dangle's family coming to town

This is what I really think

I think that, as a whole

the black community has stepped it up.

You know, we're tired of all these celebrities

you know, going to these far-off countries and getting our kids

and we said, "Hey, you know what?

"Let's start claiming our own family right here

even if they are real light."

Dangle probably got a little, a little drop

of that blood in there

and, you know, they came on back for him.

I think they're coming back to borrow money.

We have a report of kids dropping things

over the overpass here.

- 'Oh.' - 'Hey! Hey, hey, hey.'

- 'Hey! Hey, ho!' - 'Oh, no, no, no! drop it!'

Drop it!

- Go. - Scamper. Scamper, go, go.

Topics of conversation, alright?

You only have one thing to say about O.J.

- Yes. - He didn't do it.

- I have to say that. - 'You have...'

- No, no, 'cause I, yeah, yeah. - He didn't do it.

Damn! Brother didn't do it.

So, they come in, I'm like, "Brother didn't do it."

- He didn't do it, good-- - Didn't do it.

- Despite all of the evidence-- - Hey! Hey! Hey!

- What? An extremely rare shoe. - Bah, bah, bah...

- And all the evidence that-- - No! No! No!

We don't bring up the evidence.

We don't bring up the white people

We don't bring up the evidence.

- 'Cause the evidence would-- - If the glove didn't fit!

Right, except it kind of did fit.

- No, it can't. - It kind of did.

Where do you stand on the whole Biggie-Tupac beef?

Oh, good, this is a good, this is a good drill.

Um, damn! Them [bleep] that got Tupac

When they gonna when they gonna get them back?

That was pretty good, right?

No, I'm on the other side of that.

Uh, we've received four of these anonymous letters

from a local kidnapper. ransom demands.

The boys down in the lab have steamed it open.

So...

Think the, think the boys oversteamed it a little bit.

- 'Mm-hmm.' - "I gotta..."

We're gonna divide it up in, like, vowels?

"I gotta..."

- Lick? - Did you, do you have an L-I-C?

- Me! Me! M-E! - I gotta...

- I gotta "lick me." - I gotta "lick me."

- "I gotta choose..." - Me, me, uh...

- Me a love. - I got a choose me.

Exclamation point.

Uh, uh, I think we need to go with the I-N.

"I got friends in low places."

- To, to... - Tori.

"I'm a goat cheese Tori."

I'm, uh... It's "I'm a goat cheese-atori."

Like...

'Oh, then you got the quotes here.'

'Well, I pulled them out.'

- Oh, like "too." - "I'm a goat cheese."

"I'm a goat cheese."

Like, wink, "I'm a goat cheese lover."

Yeah, this, or maybe, or maybe he's sarcastic.

Oh, that son of a bitch.

"Lover." This fella hates goat cheese.

"She dines a lot of [bleep]."

"I got Mary she dines a lot of [bleep]."

"Mary she-dines." She dies...

Oh, my g... yes, yes, she dies.

"I've got Mary.

"She dies at 1 o'clock." Yes!

Thank you.

What time is it?

- Oh... - Hmm.

Here's the thing. Here's a question.

This is gonna be kind of sensitive.

What?

There may be things that they say

that I just need translated.

Like what?

I don't, okay, this is why I didn't want to bring this up

'cause it's a slightly sensitive subject.

I don't understand you all the time.

Why? What have I ever said that you didn't understand?

- Uh... - Speak out.

- Speak out, make it plain. - The colloquialisms.

Go on, speak on 'em, make it plain.

- You see? - Holler at me.

No, seriously, break it down.

It'd be good if we argue a bit.

I think it'll be very convincing.

Don't let a black woman pop off to you.

- Do what? Come again. - Don't let her pop off.

What's pop off? Is that when you do this thing.

That's pop and lock.

- Listen! Listen! - I won't do either.

If I pop off to you, if I start talking crazy to you--

I smack you.

Slap you right across the mouth.

'I just want to talk to you about these messages'

that you put in my mailbox.

- Oh, yeah. - You know my name, right?

Um, you, you the pretty lady.

Okay, 'cause you wrote boobies on all of these.

And on one of them, look what you did there.

I don't know if that's a man with a long nose

or something else.

Oh...

- 'Clemmy, okay?' - Clemmy, okay

- 'Clemmy, that's my name.' - Mm-mmm.

Okay, so, these are all urgent.

Okay.

And one's from Charlie, one's from Charlie G.I.

'and one's from Charlie O.K.'

Mm-hmm, and there's one from a [bleep] in there, too.

- Okay. - I thought to put that earlier.

Okay, I don't understand you're writing.

This isn't in English, and I don't know.

You know what? That is my shorthand.

- That's your shorthand. Okay. - Yeah.

- Um, you like long hand? - Yeah.

You know sometimes, some people like short hand job.

Some people like long hand job.

- Yeah, I like a long hand job. - Okay, okay.

- I do. - I remember that for you.

Okay, um, I'll give you $10 every time you don't say

long hand job to me and just write it down properly.

Okay, I can do that.

Oh, hey, so, you know, uh

my black family's coming to town.

Yeah, I know.

I just wanted to ask a real, uh, specific favor of you.

You don't say another word.

I will be there. I will, I will cook.

I will pretend to be your wife.

I will have intercourse with you.

I will lube you up, I will wash you down.

Just, don't take this the wrong way.

Yeah.

Stay the [bleep] away from me and my black family, okay?

I don't know if there's any other way

to take what you just said.

We had a call of a guy hanging out here at the church

And I guess he's freaking some people out.

So... gonna see if we can get him to get a move on.

'Sheriff's Department.'

'Hello, sir, how you doing today?'

- Okay, whoa, whoa. - Uh-oh.

Hey, hey, hey, take it easy there, buddy.

'Take it easy.'

Sir? Are you on any substances?

Have you been hospitalized recently?

Uh-huh.

Sir, you can't be here, alright?

we've been getting complaints from the church

that you're not allowed to just lurk around and...

Uh-oh. Uh-oh.

'Oh, this is just a hairball.'

'This is a hairball, it's okay'

You'll get through it. are you okay?

Oh, ick.

I have several cats. and this is my forte.

- Hello. - Hello.

- My name is Trudy. - My name is Matthew.

Oh, hi, Matthew, would you like to go somewhere else?

Not really.

- Get off the lawn! Get going! - Jesus! stop it!

Alright!

I'm going, you don't have to hit me with water.

- That was good work. - Thank you.

I have a lot of experience.

You don't do very, I mean, you're not very good at this.

- This is the one time... - You're actually efficient.

Yeah.

Wow.

'I'm feeling a little queasy.'

I'll tell you, she done, she done chain me down good, Erique.

- But I'm sorry? - She chain me down good.

I used to be a little bit of a...

A little bit of a poon hound around here.

Oh! I almost swallowed my tooth.

Your gold tooth?

Oh, my God, it came right out.

To...

My sistah and my brothah. Erique and Bethany.

Actually, before it's actually just Eric.

And it's, um, it's definitely not Betha-nee.

Eric, what do you, what do you do again?

I'm, uh, I'm actually a CPA.

'Mm, riding in one of them elevator trains'

'That's so cute, I always wished'

'I'd done something useful like'

that like drive an elevated train--

No, no, a CPA...

CPA, a Certified Public Accountant.

A CPA.

I have no idea why I laughed.

- I have no idea why I laughed. - Yeah.

- Cheers. - To dad.

Cheers, to dad.

He would just be so happy if he saw us all together.

- He would. - He would.

- Tying up... - He'd be happy to see you.

And he'd look over at the guy with the mustache and say

"What was his name again?"

Don't say that, he would not.

What the hell? I know their mother[bleep] who is that?

Oh, boy, you coughed something up on me.

Let me ask you a question.

How many of you have ever told a lie?

Show of hands.

Mm-hmm, okay.

How many of you have ever copied off someone else's paper?

Yeah, you done that, okay.

How many of you have ever had

too much of an alcoholic beverage

and gotten behind the wheel?

You're all under arrest.

Let's go.

Meow, meow, meow...

You gonna make me put it on, ow!

So, uh, I know that... There's the matter of the will.

Oh.

Yeah, there is some stuff

uh, to divide.

'And we're, you know, we're family.'

'I want it to be fair.'

- 'Right down the middle.' - 'Right down the middle.'

'That's what we were gonna say.'

- Black and white. - Yeah.

So, from cook county funeral services

there's the bill for his funeral expenses.

'We'll just, like you said, just chop it straight down...'

It's a bill for $5,088.

Right, most of everything else got split between the houses

and the pools and our education.

And the kids, our kids.

- Wait, no, I'm sorry. - No, that's not it!

That's not the only thing.

- I can't believe I forgot! - 'To his only white son.'

He, he was, it was obviously he had this a long time.

- It was very valuable. - Something valuable.

Very precious to him.

Don't start crying, because I will start crying.

It's very precious.

Daddy's banana splits key chain.

The first car I got, when daddy gave it to me

The keys were on that chain.

It was a convertible, it was blue.

- It was so beautiful! - It was a really nice car.

I had so much sex in the backseat of that car.

I always liked the banana splits.

I don't understand, though.

Are they supposed to be people, or one guy was a monkey.

I think there was a bear.

One's a bear, one's an elephant, the other one's also a dog.

I don't know if he's a dog.

I think he might be, like, a muskrat or something.

I think it's a dog

'cause it's got the big ears and--

Two dogs and a bear.

How's that working out for you?

Really get on it.

Yeah, really, really work it, 'cause you gatta...

- Doesn't tingle. - See? See?

Well, I think we all learned a very valuable lesson.

Suck on that.

- 'Try it, he's right.' - Get on it.

- He's totally right. - Get on it.

I'll do it. I'll do it, I'll show you.

No, you don't need to, just check it

he's right, he's 100% right, though.

Is that an order?

'Cause you're gonna feel the tingling

and he's gonna feel the tingling.

It gives and gives.