Original subtitles

♪ Boo be dee ba be dee ♪

♪ Ba be dee boo ♪

♪ Ba ba de boo ♪

♪ Boo be boo ♪

♪ Boo ba ba be boo ♪

♪ Coconut clusters ♪

♪ Coconut nut clusters... ♪

Hey!

Sheriff's department!

Yeah, we're, uh, selling coconut nut clusters

for the sheriff's athletics league!

'Get off my property, mother[bleep].'

- Whoa! - 'I'll slap you so hard...'

Sir, we're just selling ca...

- Aah! Go! - Aah! Oh, my God!

I'm hit.

- Out of the way. - Sheriff's department, freeze!

Get on the ground! Freeze!

Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!

Oh!

What? What?

Alright.

- There's a tornado. - No, no, no!

Hell, no! We won't blow!

Yeah!

My friend.

Yah!

- Good morning, gang. - Good morning.

It's coconut nut cluster day!

- Yeah! - Get out there!

Get out there. Move these coconut nut clusters.

You're doing something good for the sheriff's athletic league.

And it's not a contest...

...but whoever sells the most coconut nut clusters

gets two tickets to the Washoe community players

production of "Our Town."

So it's not a compet... Again, I'd like to stress

it's not a competition, but in parenthesis

yes, it is a competition.

So get out there.

Move them coconut nut clusters.

'Two things to remember.'

You're doing somethin' good

for them little tards in the sheriff's athletics league.

And, and

still getting paid for a regular work day.

Is there anything mandatory that we have to say

when we knock on a door?

I have a suggestion for you.

Don't be hatin' on these candies, beyotches.

Give up the dizzos so these kids can have some brizzos.

I don't even know what you just said.

That's why I'm not working the ethnic neighborhood.

I'm in the old age homes today.

- 'That's for the best.' - Yeah.

There it is.

Right there with the balloons.

Son of a bitch.

- How you doing tonight? - Hello!

- Welcome to the carnival. - Yeah?

Yes. Can I help you gentlemen?

You're a little too old for the rides, I think so...

Don't touch him. Don't ever touch him!

Don't ever touch either of us, you understand me?

I wasn't gonna touch you.

I would like to, uh, ask you a question.

Anything.

And it has to do with, uh, the sign.

'Oh, jeez.'

Megan's law.

Why does the sign over your door say

"House of mystery?"

Well, now, that is because, uh...

'the kids pay extra, you can go in there'

and I turn the lights out and of course, they also

I blindfold them and they can just feel around? Feel all...

That's why they called us, you know.

Well, why?

We had reports of some fella

blindfolding children

and telling them to just feel around.

Yes, hooray!

What's...

It's-it's carnival!

So I don't even understand why that's a problem because...

There were two reports, the other report

was that a gentleman, uh, was taking young youngsters

putting them on an electronic horsey ride

and spraying them with a garden hose.

And, and putting it on YouTube.

Well, okay, if those...

If somebody's filming that and putting it on YouTube

that's not my business, I'm not...

That's, how can I keep the Youtubers away?

It's taking over the nation.

- Don't ever touch me! Ever! - Don't touch him.

- We've been over that. - Don't touch him.

And why aren't you crouching in fear?

- Why aren't you crouching? - Crouch.

Have you been supplying change for the children?

That's the call we got.

They can reach right in and get the change, see?

I can prove it. There's change all over here.

Look at this, look at this change--

I'm not gonna feel anything else, am I?

What else would you feel?

- Hands up, please. - Hands up.

- Put your hands like this. - What?

Wait, wait, the police! No, not there!

- Oh! Mm-hm. - Yep. Yep.

- Got it. - Okay.

- That is my penis. - Yep.

Why are you chaining yourself to me?

- Oh! Oh! - Come on.

Okay, that's, that is tight.

Coconut nut clusters are like

little sprinkled bits of happy sunshine

covered in chocolate, and every crunch...

...sounds like the laughter of happy children

who are getting to play on brand-new

playground equipment.

New field hockey equipment.

New kickball equipment.

When you bite into one of these

you're biting into someone's dreams.

- Sheriff's department. - What is going on here?

This is interesting.

Don't, don't be alarmed, sir.

We're, uh, just going door-to-door

sellin', uh, some coconut nut clusters.

You're kidding me! Oh, my goodness!

Wow, that's wonderful! I've got a real sweet tooth.

How did you know?

Am I under surveillance?

I've got a question.

What are we doing standing out here talking

in the hot sun, when we could be inside

enjoying the cool air-conditioning?

I don't know the answer to that.

Tell me. What's the story here?

Well, um, I'm Deputy Jones.

- 'This is Deputy Kimball.' - 'Deputy Kimball.'

We're selling these coconut nut clusters

for the sheriff's athletics league, and, uh--

Coconut nut... That sounds fantastic.

They're real good.

So how many can we put you down for?

Hm, gosh, well, how many can you spare?

- Um... all of 'em? - 36?

- That's the whole box! - Can I clean out the store?

- I'd love to do that. - Please do!

- Can I write you a check? - Yes, please.

To the, uh, Reno Sheriff's Department.

"Dear, Nancy...

"...my way of thanking you

for eight years of marriage."

- Aw. - That's nice, huh?

- That is sweet. - Yeah. Yeah.

- Considerate. - Yeah.

And then I'll just say, P.S. sorry...

...for the mess."

Okay. Great!

Aah!

He didn't sign the check.

We're supposed to be cracking down on bars

in Washoe County that serve alcohol to minors.

So I've been ordered to take part

in an undercover sting operation

uh, using this secret hidden camera there

state of the art.

Say, hi, Tammy.

- Hello. - Uh, she's only 20.

So if she goes in, orders a drink and pays for it

we get to make the bust.

Easy-peasy-Japane...

- There you go, buddy. - Hello.

Hi. What can I get you?

Um... I would like

an alcoholic beverage, sir.

- Whoo! Whoo! - Wow. Wow.

Straight down the hatch, huh?

- Whoo! - That was good.

How much do I owe you?

Eh, that one's on the house.

Go ahead. Drink that one too.

That one's on me.

Hey, she just settled up, she just gave me this

and she just handed it to me to hand to you.

This one's on me.

Aah!

- Go, Tammy! Go, Tammy! Go! Go! - Whoo!

Go! Go! Go! Go! Go!

Don't! Don't! Don't! Don't!

Best night of my life!

Whoo! Ha ha ha!

Easy, easy, easy. It's okay.

I like this stuff. Come on up here.

Watch your head. Watch your head.

- Come on up. - Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!

Chinese in the [bleep] house!

- Whoo! Oh! - Whoo! Whoo!

- Whoa, whoa. - Uh!

Uh...

She'd like to settle up I think is what she was saying.

Bartender, think she's got something to tell you.

This guy just stuck his thumb up my [bleep].

I didn't stick a thumb up anybody's...

You're out of here, grandpa.

I didn't stick a thumb up...

No, I told you.

- Hm. - I want a cigarette.

No, no, no, no, you gotta be 18 and over to smoke here.

What are you? 15? 16?

- It's that time. - Yay!

We love coconut nut clusters time of year.

It's like Christmas, but it's...

With candy bars, and we don't get 'em, we sell 'em!

Which is different than Christmas

but... same feeling in my heart.

- You okay? - Yeah. Yeah, I'm good.

We're gonna do this.

No, you don't!

- No, you don't! - Hey!

- We got here first! - Ha!

- Coconut nut clusters! - Open up!

In your face!

- Oh! - Oh, my God!

- Oh, my God! - Aah!

'Jones, get in the car!'

- 'Look out Jones!' - 'Oh, my God!'

- 'Oh, my God!' - 'Aah!'

You have the right to an attorney.

If you cannot afford an attorney...

Make a path, people. Make a path. Make a path.

- Oh! - Alright, sir.

- Oh! - Oh, dear lord.

Oh, it's worse than I thought.

It looks worse in the daylight.

Okay. Oh, dear. That really does... It's really...

Is it all the way to the hilt?

It's not all the way to the hilt

but it's in there pretty good.

I don't wanna touch it.

I don't wanna make anything worse.

So, uh, his version of events is.

You, you, uh, you were praising his, uh, his Civil War sword.

- No. - What's that?

It's not a Civil War sword.

- This, that item is not? - It's not?

- The item up my anus... - Yes.

Is not a real Civil War sword.

You're kidding me. It looks fantastic.

It may look fantastic, but there are certain markings

on it that clearly show it's a fake.

- Ah, be careful. - Uh-uh.

Aah!

The rope is fake here, this bulbous part here.

- Yeah? - Light as a feather.

The real thing would be heavy and weigh you down.

An expert will tell you, clearly, that's aluminum.

- Aluminum. - Oh!

- Aluminum. - Aluminum.

Now, my left thumb is covering the obvious real giveaway.

Just keep breathing. Keep breathing.

Bingo!

- Breathe for me. - Excuse me!

It might be a bad time, but I...

I bought this on eBay, I'm quite sure

this is from the post-revolutionary period.

Uh...

It's a... It's a fake.

Only an idiot would think this was real.

Aah! You bastard!

- 85 dollars. - Oh, my God.

- 85 bucks. - 85? We're double...

- We doubled last year. - We doubled last year.

My God.

Think about how many dodge balls

this is gonna buy

for them retards.

Oh, my gosh.

Like, a lot! We won't--

I'm not sure how much a dodge ball goes for these days

but they can't be much more than two or three dollars.

No, so $85

buys two, four, 42 dodge balls.

- Mm. - That's good, huh?

This is really good.

Like buying you a damn coconut tree.

- Mm-hm. - He's diabetic! He's diabetic!

He's diabetic! Oh! Oh, my God!

Are you okay?

We're selling coconut clusters for

the sheriff's athletics league.

Yeah, you know, for the kids

uh, dances and everything.

Oh, this is so nice.

Nobody's been to see me in such a long time.

- Oh, you are kidding. - I can't imagine that.

Why would they do that?

Uh...

Hey! What are you guys selling over there?

Coconut nut clusters.

Can I get some of those?

- No! - Look out!

- No! - No!

- Aah! - Oh!

it! Come on!

Oh, no! Jonesy!

No!

Now, as part of your parole agreement

you are required to either be employed

or apply for employment once every two weeks.

- So you've complied with that? - Yes.

Where did you apply for a job last, Terry?

- I have a job. - Where?

- Think. - It's an instrument store.

It's called Talk To The Band.

- Talk To The Band. - Talk To The Band.

Talk To The Band, what kind of instruments they sell

at Talk To The Band, Terry?

Not that I don't believe you and don't

don't take my incredulousness as disbelief.

But what kind of instruments do they sell?

- Tubas. - Tubas.

What do you do there, at Talk To The Band?

You sell tubas, Terry?

Yeah, if people are, like, "I want a tuba."

I'm, like, "Yeah." They're, like, "I wanna buy it."

I'm, like, "Buy it." They're, like, "I will."

I'm, like, "Shut up."

They're, like, "Why did you say that?"

I'm, like, "Get out of my face."

And they leave.

I feel like that sale went really bad there, Terry.

That was a bad sale. Let's go again.

- Uh, hey, excuse me. - What?

Gentleman in the roller skates.

Yes, I'd like to purchase a tuba.

Great.

- What about this one here? - Buy it.

Well, now I don't feel like I should.

- Why? - Why don't you buy it?

Why don't you just buy it?

I'm gonna take my tuba-buying dollar

to another store across the street.

Fine. I don't care. Your face sucks. See?

I feel like that one as bad as the first one.

How long you been employed at Talk To The Band, Terry?

- One day. - One day.

- Any sales? - How many sales?

I feel like you've blown two tuba sales here

just sitting talking to us.

♪ I will not be denied ♪

♪ My rights as Americans ♪

Sheriff's department.

♪ In the country I was born ♪

♪ You can say that I'm not worthy ♪

♪ Of giving you pleasure ♪

♪ But someone up above tells me you're wrong ♪

- I'll bite. What is your issue? - Okay, here's the deal.

I come over here to offer my services, alright?

'Cause I see that they have all these ladies.

But, hey! Let's get a gigolo in here.

Let's get some man meat in here, right?

So I offer my services to give pleasure.

And they go, "I'm sorry. You're not good-looking enough."

And I know I'm not easy on the eyes.

I know that God did not tap me with a beauty stick, alright?

But I guarantee you when those lights are off

they're gonna be like, I was glad Andrew was there.

- When I got this, this... - Oh, my God.

- This, this to give! - Yep, yep.

This is a gentlemen's club.

- A gentlemen's club! - And I'm a gentlemen.

Who is ready to give club, so to speak.

- Club meaning sex. - You start your own club.

You know how much overhead is involved

with getting a business here? Look at all the things.

You've got tables. You've got chairs.

You've got hot dogs and chips.

You've got rubbers, you've got...

This used to be an old gas station, okay?

Oh, this place used to be a gas station.

Why don't you go down to a gas station?

I think your talents are better served for a gas station.

- Okay, okay. Fine. - That's what I'm saying.

Well, good luck getting me out of here

to your fantasy gas station

where all dreams come true. Good luck.

♪ I will not be fo... ♪

- Okay, you know what? - Good luck to me.

I had this on when I came in here, alright? Big deal.

And you're gonna have it on when you go.

Hey, there, Cindy. How you doin'?

Senor Guapo, right? Is that right?

I learned some Spanish.

- Guapo's right. That's right. - Senor Guapo.

Oh, boy. I hope I'm not out of line.

Uh... uh, there's a, uh, board night and puzzle night

at the cougar club tonight.

Yeah, what kind game they have?

Oh, they have, uh, they have Risk.

They have Monopoly. You don't...

- Is there one game... - Pardon?

Where you close your eye, okay?

And then you lie down?

Okay? And then something's going to happen to you.

You don't know what. You wanna play that game?

With me?

I don't know if there's cocaine in 'em or...

or what, but people cannot get enough

of these nut clusters.

And I just can't get enough of saying nut clusters.

- I love it. - Yeah.

Nut cluster.

- I'm holding your nut cluster. - Oh!

Well.

- He blushes. - You got mine.

- He blushes. - Yeah. You got me.

Oh, such a child.

G-g-good evening.

We're from the sheriff's department.

Would you like to feel good

about yourself and your community?

Why not buy a coconut... nut cluster?

It's for the sheriff's athletics league.

They're only a dollar apiece, and they give kids

who normally wouldn't have a chance at a better life.

You forgot to mention they're tax-deductible.

Dangle?

Oh, my God, I think we've hit every house on this block.

And we've made a sale, made a sale, made a sale, made a sale.

This is my 34th coconut nut cluster of the day.

We might be out of houses in this neighborhood.

- Oh, no, you don't. - Come on, bite!

- No, you don't. - Come on, bite!

No, you don't. No, you don't.

- Coconut [bleep]. - I do.

- Aah! Aah! - Aah!

- Oh. - You alright?

- You just bit my lip a little. - Oh, my God.

- You're really bleeding. - Oh, my God.

You're gushing blood. You're gushing blood.

You're gushing blood. Here, let me, here

Just put pressure on it.

Put pressure on it.

Mm.

Um, you don't need to do the thing

you're doing with your tongue there.

We might be at the best coconut nut cluster sale day

to date, by the way, gang.

I got Clemmie. You're at 97.

- Am I in the lead? - 140. Hold on.

- Whoa! - Whoa!

How much are you putting?

'Cause I'm gonna match it, and buy us all a-a pie.

- A pizza pie. - Oh!

- So we all win. - Jim!

- Beer's on me. - Beer's on you?

- Beer's on me. - Aw, that's so sweet.

Way to go, team. Way to go, team.

Private cluster selling.

I would read off who won, I'm not even gonna read off who won.

- 'Jim, I have $30.' - We all win.

'I only made 30, but let me explain.'

'I actually didn't sell any today'

'but I ate 32 bars.'

- 'And you're paying for 'em.' - 'And I'm paying for them.'

Uh-uh.