Original subtitles

'Okay, this is kind of just for a goof.'

Uh, for the last couple of years, I've been doing

kind of a gaslight number on Trudy Wiegel

making her think she's even crazier than she already is.

Uh, and the latest thing I've been doing is, uh

lately I've been telling her

"Oh, you know how the showers are haunted, right?"

And she's really starting to buy it.

She's on her way down to take a shower.

I'm going to do the old "Hey, ghost of the shower."

We'll get her good.

How's it look?

Good?

Oh, hey, Joe. What are you doing in the gals' showers?

You want to see me shower up?

Aah, mother[bleep]!

- Out of the way. - Sheriff's department, freeze!

Get on the ground! Freeze!

What? What?

Alright.

- There's a tornado. - No, no, no.

Hell, no! We won't blow!

Yeah!

My friend.

Yah!

- 'I have a question.' - 'Hands! We do hands.'

And then you wait until you're called upon.

Travis.

Who the [bleep] has been sticking their weiner

in the [bleep]damn peanut butter?

Look, I don't want to turn this into some kinda

damn measuring contest

but, unfortunately, that's exactly what it calls for.

Nobody? Nobody's been sticking

their weiner in the peanut butter?

Do you have some sort of supportive evidence

to corro...

Jones. What's up?

- Ugh... - It was a joke.

It was a, um...

chocolate in the peanut butter

peanut butter in my chocolate kind of...

Hm-mmm. Can I-can I say something like that?

- 'Sure.' - I love a joke.

'Something like this is not funny.'

I know that now!

Unless you take a picture of it

or put it on YouTube or something.

'[bleep] you're your own food!'

your own food. your own food.

'If it ain't got your name'

'on it in the fridge, don't [bleep] it!'

'I-I would take that policy one step further'

'and say...'

'Let's not [bleep] food.'

That's not what I meant to happen here.

That's not what I intended.

'Lieutenant Dangle?'

'Mayor Hernandez here to see you.'

Mr. Mayor.

Hey, good morning... Afternoon.

'Good morning.'

Uh, well...

You got those steaks I sent-I sent you guys?

Thank you very much. Thank you so much.

The way you took care... It was delicious.

- Melts in your mouth. - 'Thank you.'

'We took care of that thing.'

Yep.

- Nobody... - Nope.

- 'Alright.' - 'Didn't happen.'

In the next few weeks, you're gonna hear

a lot of loose talk, just a lot of talk.

'A lot of allegations'

which anybody can make an allegation, really?

Anyone can say you...

Pff...

Like rough sex, that you... I-I...

'So the allegations, the finger-pointings'

the semen...

Those roads don't lead to me.

They don't lead to me.

- 'No!' - Not to you.

So follow my lead.

Keep your mouths...

...shut.

'And keep your heads down.'

Together... We are stronger together.

'Right.'

There's not a bond. There's not no one.

There's not law, there's no subpoena that can bust... you.

Go and do it. Believe in it.

That can bust this. That can bust us.

That can... Thank you.

Thank you very much.

Hang onto that

for me brother, please.

Good-bye. Good day.

Which way is out? Over here?

'What the hell?'

Something's dripping out of it.

- Is it dripping? Really? - 'Yeah.'

- Something's dripping out of... - It is, a little bit.

- No, no, no. - What the hell?

No, no, no.

What?

- Uh... - Three guesses.

Uh, apple, orange, grapes.

Um, I don't understand.

Wrong, wrong, and wrong.

'You gonna audition?'

You guys...

No, you're... This is only for women...

Women and young girls.

And-and you're doing this as a service to the, the community?

Yeah, just holding auditions, you know?

We... It's been-it's been a few, a few days of auditioning

but when we get... When I get my-my--

How long you been holding auditions here, Steve?

I don't even remem... I don't keep track because this is art.

Art isn't a science, you know?

- Twenty-seven months. - Yeah, around there.

That would be two... Yeah, about a little over two years.

Twenty-seven calls for-for a while

but this last one was just about a, a girl that all you did

was, was stretch her out.

Well, yes. That is... Ballet is...

- No, don't, don't... - Don't even...

- Don't do that. - Ballet is...

- Don't film that. - Ballet is 99% l-limberness.

What's the other percent?

Flair.

'Aw, [bleep]'

Hey, is this where the "Nutcracker" auditions is at?

'Um... yes.'

"Auditions for "Nutcracker" suite

3600 Telfair..."

Yeah.

- "Come ready to move..." - Yes.

"Partial nudity required."

- Yeah. Yeah. - Yeah.

How you doin', Terry?

- 'Terry?' - Hi, guys. How are you?

- I'm on the phone. - Uh, not great.

Why? What happened?

Um, it's 4 a.m., and we're getting repeated calls

from people around the area

saying that you're talking really loud out here.

- What? - And singing.

You guys... Not me.

- Not me. - Yeah, you.

No, Adam!

- Okay-- - Don't you dare.

- I will blow on it. - Alright.

I will suck and blow on it.

- You'll suck? Okay. - You'll suck nothing.

He runs a candle store, he runs a candle store.

- Fantastic. - Yeah.

- Barry, what do you want? - Terry...

I will get you coke.

You... Whoa! Whoa!

- No! He's-- - Whoa! What?

He doesn't like Pepsi. Mikey! Don't you...

Don't avoid me. You're avoiding me and you know it!

- Let's use our 4 a.m. voice. - You know it!

- Let's use our-- - I will cut you with a knife.

- Whoa, okay. - No, Mikey's made out of cake.

It's fine. He's made out of cake.

- Mike is made out of cake? - Who's "R?" Who's "R?"

It stands for...

♪ Te-rrr-yyyyyy ♪

'That-that doesn't make sense, Terry.'

Oh, my gosh. That guy has a tornado!

- There's a tornado! - No, no, no!

- Terry... Terry! - No, no, no, Terry. Slow down--

We've been following this, uh, Cadillac XLR

for about, uh, six miles.

Obvious D.U.I.

Swerving all over the place.

Oh, look at that.

'Sir?'

Sir?

'Miss?'

- How you doing tonight, ma'am? - How you doing tonight?

- Can you roll the window down? - I'm stuck!

'Did you have any drugs or alcohol tonight, ma'am?'

I can't hear you!

Yes, you can, because I can hear you.

- So you can obviously hear me. - No, I can't.

Travis? It's, uh, Bunny Hernandez.

- Shut up! - That's the mayor's wife.

It's the mayor's wife.

Ah, [bleep].

- Okay, you good? - You good?

Where's my husband?

- You think you can drive? - Are you my husband?

- No, no, no. - No, no, no, Mrs. Hernandez.

- That's okay. - Mrs. Hernandez...

She's full of fun.

I gotta go to Tahoe.

'Uh...[bleep].'

- Whoa! - Unh!

Bunny? You're married to a very powerful man.

- Very powerful. - He stinks.

- He is our boss. - He's a Mexican.

He's a Latino gentleman, but he is still our boss.

- You came up a long way. - 'Yeah.'

Remember, Bunny, who used to do

the amateur... Yep.

- Yeah, those things? - That was real good.

You don't have to do that anymore.

You got a real nice house.

- You are like... - Got a nice, new Cadillac...

I got a baby coming.

The keys went up her bottom crack.

- Let's just leave her here. - Oh, yeah!

- I gotta take a piss. - No... Okay.

- She's poopin'. - 'Oh, I'm making a mess.'

Take-take your brit... Your drawers off.

- No rush. - Did you take your panties off?

'I am not wearing any.'

- Okay. Alright. - I gotta go.

'We're just gonna escort you to Tahoe.'

- Ow! - 'Oh, crap.'

'It's only about six miles.'

- Okay, in we go. - Okay.

In we go, in we go.

Now, Bunny...

Bunny?

'Hey, Bunny. A nice lady doesn't herself'

'in the back seat.'

- 'Bunny?' - Where am I?

'Would Princess Diana be [bleep] herself'

in the back seat?

No. And you're our Princess Di.

- Aw, man. - Whoa, whoa!

Damn.

'Oh. I'm not-I'm not really dead.'

Y'all be cool, just be cool

and just play along with this, okay?

- What are you doing? - No, listen, listen.

I've been playing possum for about an hour and a half now.

I took this, um...

These male enhancement, you know

these-these things.

You know, you know, to get your, get your, your business going?

And, you know, I did that dumb thing

where I was like, "Oh, I'll just take ten."

And then I was like, "Oh, man! You pay by the hour here."

So, I finished. I got, like, nine more hours.

And my-my member...

My member is at full mast.

You know what I'm saying? And I can't get up.

So I just thought I'd play dead.

You can't just be dead for a little bit.

I've been dead for an hour--

You'd better be prepared to be real dead.

- Now, you can walk. - Now, wait a minute.

I asked politely for you to w-work with my rules.

Just-Just...

Just pretend to resurrect me

and I'll just crawl out of here.

Start coughing.

Do that ten more times, and I'll...

Start coughing.

- Oh! Well, yes! - Whoa!

He's gonna be alright, ladies.

I thought I was dead!

- That's alright. - I thought I was dead!

- That's okay. - Oh, thank you!

He's just still a little stiff, I think

from being unconscious for so long.

Oh, thank you. I'm alive!

- I'm alive! - It's a miracle.

Wait, you're rubbing... You're rubbing against...

The tip's rubbing!

You want powdered sugar?

Smi... Uh, the mayor's here. The mayor's here.

- The mayor's here. The mayor... - Now?

'The mayor! Mayor!'

Right now. I'm assuming we're in big trouble.

Smiles, smiles, smiles! Ahem.

- 'Mayor Hernandez!' - Hey.

- 'What a pleasant surprise.' - What's up? What's happening?

What, uh... What's going on?

You alright, there?

Okay.

Give you a hug.

You guys...

You guys are...

...the best.

The best.

Give yourselves a round of applause!

You're so...

So the best!

'Yeah! Yeah!'

I'm gonna show those suckers.

Those...

That they don't have nothing.

They don't have nothing!

They can have all their court commissions

and pinche subpoenas, and [bleep]damn...

'[bleep]damn set-ups.'

That's what they were. Set-ups.

With the fake chi-chis and the thongs.

'Set-ups!'

'We're all in this together.'

When they shoot at me, they shoot at you.

When they allege me, they allege you.

We are all in this together. Are...

Are you with me? Are you with me?

'Do you believe in what I'm saying?'

- Sure. - 'Sure!'

Sure, we do.

- 'We do?' - 'Yes, we do!'

Sitting mayor.

We can beat this.

There's a light at the end of the tunnel.

Those [bleep]suckers

cannot prove anything.

Because if I go down...

If I go down, we, we go down.

If you got my back

I got yours.

'Okay? That's how it works. Thank you.'

'Thank you.'

Get rid of that thing for me, okay?

Have a good day. You got my back?

- You got my back? - Yes, sir. Sure.

- We got your back. - 'Sure. Yes, sir.'

'Mayor Hernandez.'

Get rid of this. Get rid of this.

Okey-doke.

Moving right along. Hey! Bup-up-up!

- This-this has been used-- - Yes.

Recently. Very recently.

- Ooh... - Like in this day, recently.

'His breath smelled like my Uncle Carl'

before he told me "Let's keep it between the two of us."

Uh, we're here with the Reno sheriff's department

brand-new E.D.I.R.

That is a explosive device interception robot.

This damn thing is state of the art.

It is armed with a mini-14.

'It has a, a cyber-neural database.'

Also, it's got thermal-optic camouflage

and a five-language oral intercept transmitter.

What that means is we can give this damn thing

oral commands, and it'll do anything we say.

- It's voice command? - Voice command.

I didn't know that part. I thought--

Robot, forward five feet.

Oh! Ha-ha!

Robot, back to position one.

That is unbelie...

Can... Does it just recognize your voice, like--

Any voice, five languages. Uh...

- Can I-- - Give it a shot.

Oh. Uh, robot, turn to the left.

Ha-ha-ha!

Robot, come back.

That's pretty good, right?

Also has a self-defense mechanism.

Uh-huh.

Whoa!

Drop down your weapon.

You. Take your top off.

Uh...

Better do what he says, Kimball.

That damn thing's armed.

Uh. Oh, Jesus.

For reals.

Take your top off.

For reals. Take your top off.

Oh, that's great. That's real funny. Oh, I see. Ha ha ha.

That damn thing ain't oral commanded at all.

- 'Kimball's stupid.' - He did it back there.

Kimball's stupid, and this is a robot that speaks--

- Oof! - Oh.

7-Charlie-14, I'm here. I'm goin' in.

I'm sorry you have to see this, Joe.

Believe it or not, this is a front for a brothel.

Makes me [bleep] sick.

Hi, you here for one of our little darlings?

- Shut up! - Oh!

What the [bleep]'s wrong with you?

- Fight you, bitch! - Oh, my God!

'Alright, kids. In the corner, now!'

Now, move! You make me [bleep] sick!

Aah!

- Aah! - 'Shut up!'

There's a room in hell where you're gonna be suckin'

on Dahmer's [bleep] you bitch!

'Hello? I'm here for Candy.'

We don't do this in my country, you piece of [bleep].

Aah!

Back in the patrol car!

'Uh, Travis, we're still waiting for you'

'at this brothel over here.'

I used to date the guy that lived right there.

Oh, you don't say.

- Yeah, he's dead now. - Well... Oh.

Hey. How you doing?

There's an intruder in my bedroom.

Keep your voice down so we don't alert--

Be careful, careful, careful.

Yes, somebody's broke in, okay?

Someone's in there, okay?

I'm not sure, but I think it might be

Georgia Engel.

You know, Georgia from "The Mary Tyler Moore Show?"

Have you been... Have you actually seen her, or you're--

No, I'm too scared to go in there.

She's been after me for years.

She's never forgiven me since Betty White and I

did her hair years ago when we were high on mushrooms.

You know, those are great tits.

Thank you! Oh, I love compliments.

See? It all... It ends up being...

You know, you remind me of one of my stepdads.

- Yeah? - Did you know my mother?

- What was her name? - Trina Johnson.

Oh, my God. Was she a stewardess for Braniff Airlines?

- Yes! Yes, she was. - Yes.

Isn't this a small world?

She had, like, a whole string of... Were you married to her?

No, but you know what she did to me?

She threw me out of first class

on the Red-Eye to JFK one time

when I was trying to give Dom Deluise

a [bleep] underneath a blanket.

It's just... I can't believe her. Oh, God.

And it was, it was really awful.

I had just come home from a lovely dinner

with my good friend Joan Van Ark

who was in town doing a speech--

- Tonight? You were at-- - No, this was two years ago.

Anyway, I come home from that lovely dinner

and there-there it is, Georgia Engel's dump

on my settee.

'And I said to myself, "Jeffrey De La Costa'

"you get the 'H' out of here

'cause it reeks!" Okay?

- Well, yeah. - Really bad.

I've had the place fumigated.

Okay. Um...

Just to let you know, the intruder

is actually a wet-dry vacuum cleaner

with a blonde wig on it

and a sticky magazine laying on the bed.

That's what she said. Ha ha ha!

- That's pretty funny. - I know.

Everyone remembers his honor

Mayor Hernandez?

- Hey. - Hello, sir.

Somebody's gotta pay the fiddler, alright?

The fiddler, it sounds innocent.

A fiddler...

It's a skinny dude with the thing...

You put money in the hat.

'I gotta pay the fiddler now.'

There's a word in Spanish

that my grandmother would say to me

when I was a kid.

It means brotherhood and compassion.

I can't think of it right now.

'I want you guys to know'

when I'm up there in that dark

and they're feeding me through a slot in the door

when I'm smelling my own piss

don't...

Don't you say a word.

'My people will find you.'

'They will find you. You cannot hide.'

They will find you, and they will destroy you.

They will destroy you...

...and everything that you love.

I will see you on the other side.

Take care of this guy, okay?

This one here?

- Nah, that's a eight. - That's a eight?

- Yeah. I was in a hurry. - Okay. Okay.

Done and done.

Oh!

I will see you on the other side.

Your honor.

So what do we gotta do? Kill that guy?

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no

Travis.

By no means.

I didn't know you could commit seven felonies

in an hour and a half.

Not driving at that speed.

- That's impressive. - 'That's very impressive.'

'That's very impressive.'

You gotta have great eye-hand coordination.

He has a very Clintonesque quality about him.

'Great public speaker.'

And loves... Loves to put...

Loves to put his in things.

Mints. Now, one of those Canadian loonies.

You know, the two-dollar Canadian coin?

They ain't made those in years.

Loonie. Canadian loonie.

Goodnight, Mrs. Hernandez.

She's really our Princess Di.

And sweet, sweet girl

if you get her before, like, uh

1 o'clock in the afternoon.

Sweet as a little apricot.

And game.

Game. Did I say sweet? I meant more game.

- Game. - Game for [bleep].