Original subtitles

OK, IT IS FINALLY HAPPENING.

WE ARE JUMPING THE SHARK.

JUMPING, JUMPING.

JUMP, JUMP THAT SHARK.

LIEUTENANT JIM DANGLE WILL BE JUMPING A SHARK TO FIGHT AUTISM.

SUPPORT AUTISM.

DO IT, DO IT, DO IT, DO IT, DO IT.

GO, DANGLE.

GO, JIM!

OH,

OH, GOD.

JIM?!

WILL YOU BE MY LIFE PARTNER?

SAY YES!

YES!

QUEER!

MY WATER JUST BROKE.

OH, MY GOD. OH, MY GOD.

HAH! HEH! MOTHER

SUCKER!

WHAT HOLIDAY IS IT?

IF ANYONE HERE OBJECTS

TO THIS SAME-SEX PARTNERSHIP UNION,

YOU MAY SPEAK NOW

OR FOREVER HOLD YOUR PEACE.

WHOA, OH.

UH...I, UH...

I GOT SOMETHIN' TO SAY.

WHEN LOVE ASKS YOU TO DANCE,

YOU TAKE IT BY THE HAND AND YOU HEAD TO THE FLOOR.

LESLIE, WILL YOU DANCE WITH ME?

UNTIL THE LAST DANCE IN HEAVEN.

I know who the father is.

SHERIFF'S DEPARTMENT! FREEZE! FREEZE!

GET ON THE GROUND! DOWN ON THE GROUND!

D'OH!

YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO DO THAT.

WHAT? WHAT?

ALL RIGHT.

THERE'S A TORNADO. NO, NO, TERRY.

HELL NO, WE WON'T BLOW.

YEAH!

OH, HE'S MY FRIEND.

HEY. HEY--

CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE BY MTV NETWORKS

Trudy, whispering: I know who the father is.

OH, WOW.

WHAT, DID YOU ALL THINK THAT WAS REAL?

COME ON, MAN.

SECTION 501, PARAGRAPH "C,"

"NEVADA STATE BYLAWS PROHIBIT SAME-SEX MARRIAGES

BETWEEN A MAN, A MAN, A WOMAN, AND A WOMAN."

IT IS ILLEGAL TO MARRY ANOTHER MAN, JIM, IN THE STATE OF NEVADA.

THEREFORE, I PLACE YOUR,

UH, WOULD-BE HUSBAND UNDER ARREST.

OH, WHAT THE .

Second man: GET THE--

ANYTHING YOU SAY CAN AND WILL BE USED AGAINST YOU--

OH, BROTHER, YOU'RE CHUMMING FOR A LAWSUIT.

YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO AN ATTORNEY--

LAWSUIT, BRO.

IF YOU CANNOT AFFORD AN ATTORNEY,

WHICH I KNOW YOU CANNOT--

YOU KNOW I CAN'T AFFORD ONE.

WELCOME BACK.

THANK YOU, THANK YOU.

I ASSURE YOU, TO THOSE OF YOU

WHO HAVE NOT STAYED IN OUR JAIL RECENTLY,

IT IS AN EFFECTIVE DETERRENT.

GOOD TO KNOW.

JIM, I JUST WANTED TO SAY--

SPEAK--TALK TO ME THROUGH YOUR ATTORNEY.

WE SPEAK THROUGH OUR ATTORNEY, NOW.

OK.

YOU REMEMBER THAT, RIGHT? DOIN' MY JOB.

THAT WAS PART OF THE AGREEMENT.

JUST DOIN' MY JOB.

AHEM, TRUDY? YES? AHEM, TRUDY? YES?

I BELIEVE YOU HAD AN ANNOUNCEMENT YOU WANTED TO MAKE.

WE ALL KNOW THAT I WENT TO A SPERM BANK.

AND THE FATHER IS...

SOMEONE IN THIS ROOM.

WE KNEW THAT ALREADY.

OH.

YOU SAID YOU KNEW?

OH, I KNOW.

AND YOU'RE GOING TO LORD IT OVER US

LIKE THE SWORD OF DAMOCLES, LIKE A WEAPON.

IS THIS GOING TO BECOME SOME SORT OF PSYCHOLOGICAL WEAPON

IN YOUR PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE ARSENAL OF PSYCHOSIS?

HADN'T THOUGHT ABOUT-- BUT THAT'S A GREAT IDEA.

THAT'S WHAT IT IS.

WHAT ARE YOUR PLANS FOR THE BOY?

ONE MORE TIME.

HE'S GOT A RICE SUIT, SO...

TAKE IT FROM ME, YOU DON'T WANT TO BE ON YOUR OWN WITH NO KIDS.

GO ON AND CALL YOUR BABY'S DADDY OUT! DO IT. GO ON AND CALL YOUR BABY'S DADDY OUT! DO IT.

AND MAKE HIM STEP UP TO THE PLATE.

DO IT.

DO THE RIGHT THING.

OH, I'M GOING TO DO THE RIGHT THING.

YOU BETTER BELIEVE IT.

SO, HOW MUCH?

$15,000. OHH, ALL RIGHT. $15,000. OHH, ALL RIGHT.

OK, 15.

WE CAN'T HAVE ANYMORE CHILDREN OF OUR OWN.

MM-HMM. SO WE HAD ONE, MM-HMM. SO WE HAD ONE,

BUT WE CAN'T HAVE ANYMORE.

AFTER WE HAD HER, I GOT SEWED UP REAL TIGHT.

VERY SNUG, YEAH.

SO WE CAN'T DO IT ANYMORE.

I'M PRETTY SURE SHE DID IT ON PURPOSE.

YOU KNOW WHAT, JUST BECAUSE YOU'RE BUYING MY BABY

DOESN'T MEAN I NEED TO KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT YOU.

OH, DOES HE HAVE ANY MAKEUP ALLERGIES?

NOT THAT I'M AWARE OF.

HEALTHY APPETITE?

VERY HEALTHY APPETITE.

HE EATS LIKE A PIG, BUT NOT TOO MUCH.

HAS HE EVER BEEN RENDERED DISQUALIFIED

OR INELIGIBLE FROM ANY OF THE FOLLOWING ORGANIZATIONS?

JUNIOR MISS RENO? UH, NO. JUNIOR MISS RENO? UH, NO.

THE LITTLE LADIES GIRLS' PARADE?

WHAT ARE THE-- WHAT'S THIS?

UM, ARABIAN EMPRESSES?

OF COURSE NOT. WHAT IS THIS?

THESE ARE PAGEANTS, WE'RE ON THE CIRCUIT.

OH, LIKE A CARNIVAL, LIKE A FREAK SHOW?

IT'S HARDLY A FREAK SHOW, NO, NO.

THIS IS JUST A PAGEANT CIRCUIT.

WE WANT TO TRY AND GET, UH, GET IT OUT THERE

AS QUICKLY AS POSSIBLE.

SEXY, SEXY KIDS.

BREAK IT YOU BOUGHT IT.

OH! WHAT'S GOING ON? OH! WHAT'S GOING ON?

OH, MY BACK.

OH, THAT'S A GOOD ONE. I THINK HE'S STURDY.

YEAH, WE, UH...

WHAT ARE WE CLOCKIN' IN HERE, LIKE 9 POUNDS?

NO, HE'S A 10-POUNDER.

IF THAT WAS A WATERMELON HE'D BE 11 BUCKS.

YEAH, WELL, UM...

WE'VE GOT A REAL PORKER HERE, I GOTTA SAY--

NO, NO, NO, NO. YOU CAN SLIM HIM DOWN.

YOU KNOW WHAT-- HOW ABOUT 14,000?

HOW ABOUT 14,000-- YOU KNOW WHAT?

I THINK, YOU KNOW WHAT?

WE ARE GONNA GO IN ANOTHER DIRECTION.

YEAH, WOW.

YOU DON'T WANT TO DO THAT.

THIS IS A HEALTHY-- WE'RE GOING TO PASS. THIS IS A HEALTHY-- WE'RE GOING TO PASS.

I'LL DO--I'LL DO 8, AND I'LL THROW IN A WATERBED,

GENTLY USED.

NO, NO, NO, NO, NO. OH, GOD. HELL.

SHH.

, ALL RIGHT, MOMMY LOVES YOU.

BLAH, BLAH, BLAH.

OK, EXCUSE ME, MISS. I GOTTA--I GOTTA COMMANDEER THIS VEHICLE.

YEAH, UH...

I GOTTA COMMANDEER THIS VEHICLE, RIGHT NOW.

I GOTTA COMMANDEER THIS VEHICLE, ALL RIGHT?

Y'ALL HAVE TO GET OUT, Y'ALL GOTTA GET OUT.

NO--

Y'ALL GOTTA GET OUT, Y'ALL GOTTA GET OUT OF THE CAR--

BUT LOOK, BUT LOOK, BUT LOOK, BUT LOOK.

LOOK, LOOK AT THIS.

SIR, BASED ON THAT-- F.B.I.

F.B.I., F.B.I. F.B.I.

OK-- SO Y'ALL GOTTA GET OUTTA THE VEHICLE.

SO, WHAT IS THE SITUATION?

YEAH, WHAT?

OK, OK, OK, LET ME JUST--

OK, YOU DON'T NEED TO KNOW THE--

ALL THE DETAILS OF THE SITUATION.

LET ME JUST PUT A HYPOTHETICAL TO YOU, THOUGH.

OK, ALL RIGHT.

HYPOTHETICALLY, THERE WAS A DUDE, OK?

AND PERHAPS THAT DUDE WAS IN THE MIDDLE OF ROBBING

A LIQUOR STORE, RIGHT?

AND MAYBE HE FOUND A SAFE AND HE WAS LIKE,

"WOW, FINALLY, JACKPOT. 6 LIQUOR STORES,

COULDN'T FIND A SAFE, FINALLY FOUND A SAFE."

WELL, THEN HE FOUND A SAFE AND THE DUDE WAS COOPERATIVE,

AND HE GOT THE MONEY, RIGHT?

AND NOW THAT DUDE IS FLEEING THE SCENE

AS FAST AS HE POSSIBLY CAN, OK?

AND YOU'RE TRYING TO APPREHEND HIM.

I GOTTA CATCH THAT DUDE, I GOTTA CATCH THAT DUDE.

WHAT I WOULD SAY IS THAT THAT IS NOT AN F.B.I. SITUATION.

THAT'S A POLICE OR SHERIFF SITUATION

AND WE HAVE NOT GOTTEN THAT CALL.

LET ME TAKE THIS ONE OFF YOUR HANDS.

WELL, YOU KNOW WHAT? I'M GONNA SAY THANK YOU FOR THE TIP.

RIGHT, RIGHT. MM-HMM.

SO THAT WE CAN DO OUR JOB--

OH, NO, NO, NO.

THAT IS REAL GOOD OF YOU.

BUT--BUT DID I MENTION THIS?

DID I MENTION THIS ABOUT THE SAID GENTLEMAN?

OK?

I DON'T KNOW IF I HAD MENTIONED THIS.

HE IS FROM...

HE'S FROM KENYA.

SURE. OH!

WHICH MAKES IT AN INTERNATIONAL MATTER.

OK? ALL RIGHT?

HE'S A KENYAN REFUGEE.

OH. ALL RIGHT?

HE'S GONNA TAKE THAT MONEY

AND TURN IT INTO KENYAN NOTES

AND GO BACK TO KENYA AND TAKE A BUNCH OF LITTLE BABIES

AND BRING THEM BACK HERE AND SELL THEM.

OK-- I CAN'T HAVE THAT.

Y'ALL LADIES COME ON OUT OF THE VEHICLE.

NO, YOU KNOW WHAT?

I'M GONNA LET-- YOU KNOW WHAT?

I'M GONNA LET YOU COMMANDEER THIS VEHICLE

BUT IN THE BACK SEAT.

OK, ALL RIGHT. THAT'S FINE, AND I'M GONNA TELL YOU--

AND WE'LL JUST-- YOU CAN COME DOWN TO THE STATION WITH US

AND TELL US ALL ABOUT EVERYTHING.

BUT BEFORE WE GO TO THE STATION,

HOW ABOUT WE GET AS CLOSE TO THE STATELINE AS WE POSSIBLY CAN?

I'M GONNA SAY, WHY DON'T YOU GIVE ME THAT, AGAIN.

AND I'M JUST GOING TO HANG ONTO IT.

OK, ALL RIGHT, THAT'S FINE.

HANG ON TO IT.

BUT I BELIEVE I STILL HAVE JURISDICTION OVER YOU

AS A MEMBER OF...

DEPARTMENT OF THE TREASURY.

81 CLEAR.

UNIT 14 CLEAR.

YO!

HI, I'M FROM THE RENO SHERIFF'S DEPARTMENT.

OUR FRIENDS AT THE WASHOE COUNTY ANIMAL SHELTER

HAVE LOTS OF LITTLE FRIENDS WHO ARE CURRENTLY AVAILABLE FOR ADOPTION.

THIS IS HECTOR.

HE'S A MALE LIZARD,

AND HE WAS SEIZED BY LAW ENFORCEMENT OFFICERS

FROM A HOUSE WHERE SOME NOT VERY NICE THINGS WERE BEING FILMED.

HECTOR'S GOOD WITH CHILDREN

AND HAS SOME ON-CAMERA EXPERIENCE.

THESE LITTLE GOOGLEY EYES HAVE SEEN SOME REALLY TERRIBLE THINGS.

BUT HECTOR'S READY TO PUT ALL OF THAT BEHIND HIM WITH A NEW FAMILY

THAT'S INVOLVED IN WHOLESOME FAMILY-ORIENTED ACTIVITIES...

AND NOT PORNOGRAPHY.

THE WASHOE COUNTY ANIMAL SHELTER,

WHERE WE PAUSE TO HELP OUR 4-LEGGED FRIENDS.

MM-HMM.

I SHUDDER TO THINK

WHAT WOULD HAPPEN WERE YOU TO RAISE A CHILD.

WHAT HAPPENED, FOR EXAMPLE,

TO THAT HAMSTER THAT YOU HAD FOR AWHILE?

HE--I PUT HIM DOWN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL.

BY ACCIDENT.

AND WHAT HAPPENED TO THAT FERN...

THAT, UH, CLEMENTINE GAVE YOU, UH...

FOR, UH, FOR-- FOR ARBOR DAY LAST YEAR?

I CAUGHT IT ON FIRE IN MY BATH TUB.

AND WHAT, FOR EXAMPLE,

UH, HAPPENED TO, UH...

THAT NICE, NEW TV THAT YOU GOT?

IT'S STILL WORKING.

IT'S WORKING AS A COFFEE TABLE,

BECAUSE I BUSTED IT OUT.

SHOULD NOT BE TRUSTED WITH A CHILD. FOR THE BEST.

I TOOK A BAT AND I BUSTED IT OUT.

I'M GONNA DRIVE DRUNK WHENEVER I WANT TO

BECAUSE I DON'T BELIEVE IN LAWS,

I SAY THE HELL WITH MY PARENTS,

AND I'M YOUNG.

WHOO!

YEAH!

HEY THERE, DRUNKY JOE.

IT'S THE GHOST OF DRUNK DRIVING.

COME TO SEE YOU BEHIND THE WHEEL OF YOUR TERCEL.

MY GOODNESS,

YOUR BREATH CERTAINLY DOES SMELL LIKE FIREWATER.

BLOW INTO THIS, MY HARBINGER OF YOUR FATE,

A BREATH-A-LIZER.

...125.

HOW DO YOU BLOW A .125?

WHAT ARE YOU MONITORING?

GUM, GUM.

I DIDN'T KNOW WE WERE REALLY GONNA--

I DIDN'T THINK YOU WERE REALLY GONNA--

NO, I REALLY DID.

YOU BLEW .125. UH, YEAH.

IT'S 8:45 A.M. I KNOW.

WHAT ON EARTH IS THAT, IS THAT ?

A LITTLE BIT.

HE'S $8,500,

BUT IF I SELL YOU MY BABY,

YOU'RE NOT GONNA RAISE HIM LIKE...

ARE YOU? UH, WHAT... ARE YOU? UH, WHAT...

WHAT IS... I--I'M SORRY.

WHAT'S THAT MEAN?

YOU KNOW, LIKE ORIENTAL, AND ALL THE "HAPPY NEW YEAR,"

EVEN THOUGH IT'S NOT REALLY NEW YEAR, AND ALL THAT STUFF.

ACTUALLY THE TERM IS AN ASIAN PACIFIC-ISLANDER AMERICAN.

OK, YEAH. WHATEVER.

BUT, UM-- WE DON'T PLAN ON LIVING IN CHINA.

I'M AFRAID I'M GOING TO HAVE TO PASS, THOUGH.

IT JUST FEELS WEIRD, YOU KNOW?

LIKE WHEN YOU GO INTO A BLACK PERSON'S HOUSE

AND YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT TO TALK ABOUT.

AND YOU DON'T KNOW WHERE TO LOOK.

KINDA LIKE LOOKING AT A BLIND GUY

AND YOU DON'T KNOW WHERE TO TALK,

AND...IT JUST FEELS WRONG.

ALL UNITS, CODE 14 ON VIRGINIA AND COURT.

CODE 14, VIRGINIA AND COURT.

OK, . I GOTTA GET TO WORK.

OH, OK, UH... OK? I GOTTA GET TO WORK. OH, OK, UH... OK? I GOTTA GET TO WORK.

ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT. OK.

UH...

WRONG ONE. HERE, HERE, HERE.

DON'T STEAL THAT! I KNOW WHERE YOU LIVE.

OK? HANG AROUND HERE FOR LIKE 20 MINUTES,

I'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

I'M COMING!

YOU MAKE ME LAUGH, YOU'RE FUNNY,

YOU'RE-- UH, ME?

YOU'RE ENTERTAINING... YES, YOU! AND SO, YEAH.

I JUST HAVE TO KNOW.

ARE YOU WIEGEL'S BABY'S DADDY?

DON'T LIE.

UM...

DID YOU LOOK AT THE BABY'S EARS AND THE NUT SACK?

BECAUSE IF THE EARS AND THE NUT SACK

ARE--ARE REAL DARK,

THEN IT PROBABLY IS YOUR BABY.

BUT IF IT'S WHITE LIKE THE REST OF IT, IT AIN'T.

WELL, WHEN I CAME OUT--

WHEN I WAS BORN, YOU KNOW,

I, YOU KNOW, I HAD DARK EARS AND DARK NUT--NUT SACK,

BUT, YOU KNOW, WHITE-LOOKING BABY.

THAT'S WHAT I'M SAYING! THEN I CHANGED...

YEAH. BECAUSE YOU CAN CHECK WITH YEAH. BECAUSE YOU CAN CHECK WITH

THE EARS AND THE NUT SACK. RIGHT.

UH, WE'RE ON THE 395. GOT A REPORT OF A JUMPER.

HE'S ALMOST OUT OF OUR JURISDICTION, TOO.

DAMMIT.

DON'T EVEN COME ANY CLOSER 'CAUSE I'LL DO IT!

IT DOESN'T EVEN MATTER! DOESN'T MATTER!

Y'ALL DONE! GET IN YOUR CARS AND GO.

JUST STEP AWAY.

'CAUSE I'M DOING IT! NO, NO, NO, NO!

YOU LOOK, YOU LOOK. LOOK, LOOK, LOOK, LOOK, LOOK, LOOK.

PLEASE STEP BACK FOR US.

NO, NO. YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND WHAT I'M DEALING WITH.

ALL RIGHT, LOOK, LOOK. I GOT UP THIS MORNING.

RIGHT, AND I LOOKED IN THE MIRROR AND I WAS LIKE, "OH. MAN.

NAH, I CAN'T DO THIS ANYMORE, ALL RIGHT?"

'CAUSE I REACHED MY PEAK. I REACHED MY PEAK.

YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING? YOU LOOK UP...

YOU--YOU LOOK AT YOURSELF AND YOU'RE LIKE, "YOU KNOW WHAT?

"I'M THE BEST I'M GONNA BE.

I'M NOT GONNA GET BETTER THAN THIS."

NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO! SIR, SIR! NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO! SIR, SIR!

LOOK, LOOK, LOOK!

ANDREW, ANDREW! WE'VE--WE'VE--WE'VE MET YOU BEFORE.

YEAH. YOU--YOU COULD DO MUCH BETTER! YEAH. YOU--YOU COULD DO MUCH BETTER!

AH, I BEG TO DIFFER.

YOU COULD DO SO MUCH BETTER!

WHAT WAS THE LAST BOOK YOU READ?

UH, OH, OH! SUPERFUDGE.

SEE? THAT'S RIGHT.

YOU READ THAT RECENTLY?

OR DID YOU READ THAT--

HAVE YOU READ IT RECENTLY?

OH, MY GOD, THAT'S A BOOK YOU RE-READ,

AND RE-READ, AND RE-READ.

HAVE YOU READ ANYTHING OTHER THAN SUPERFUDGE?

IS THERE ANY OTHER BOOK? THAT'S MY--

YES! YES!

THERE'S TALES OF THE FOURTH GRADE NOTHING!

UH, THERE'S, UH, ME, MARGARET! IT'S ME MARGARET!

THERE'S TONS OF OTHER...BY THE WAY, THERE'S BOOKS...

THERE'S BOOKS NOT WRITTEN BY JUDY BLUME!

ANDREW, THIS IS BULL.

THIS IS A PLEA FOR ATTENTION.

YOU HAVE NO INTENTION OF JUMPING.

YOU WOULDN'T JUMP-- RIGHT.

GIVE YOU $10 IF YOU JUMP OFF IT RIGHT NOW.

THAT'S OFFENSIVE!

THAT'S OFFENSIVE THAT MY LIFE IS $10. $10. 10 BUCKS.

YOU COME HERE TO SAVE MY LIFE-- I GOT 5 ON IT.

15. YOU GOT 15?

25. I'LL PUT IN 20.

I GOT 25 RIGHT HERE.

AT LEAST WE'RE IN THE BALLPARK HERE.

25. I GOT 5. 25. I GOT 5.

25 PLUS 15. THAT'S 20. 130 BUCKS.

YOU GOING ONCE, GOING TWICE.

OH, JUNIOR!

WHAT THE...

OH, HE'S PEEING IN HIS PANTS,

WHICH MEANS HE'S PROBABLY ALIVE, RIGHT?

HI! I'M TRUDY WIEGEL.

WITH ALL THE HUSTLE AND BUSTLE OF TODAY'S WORK-A-DAY WORLD,

WHO HAS THE TIME TO MAKE A BABY YOURSELF,

THE OLD-FASHIONED WAY,

WITH ALL THAT HARD WORK AND MESSY CLEAN-UP?

THIS BABY IS WHITE, FULL OF LOVE, JOY, AND WONDER,

AND COULD BE YOURS WITH JUST ONE PHONE CALL.

SO JUST CALL 911 FOR THE RENO SHERIFF'S DEPARTMENT.

ALL BABY SALES ARE FINAL.

NO REFUNDS, NO EXCHANGES.

ORDER YOURS TODAY WHILE HE'S STILL CUTE!

SAY, "BYE, BYE, MOMMY."

"BYE, BYE, MOMMY."

I GOTTA--I TELL YOU, I'VE GOT A SLIGHT CONCERN ABOUT, UM...

IF I AM THE FATHER OF WIEGEL'S BABY.

AND IT'S A--IT'S A REAL SIMPLE ONE,

I THINK IT'S, UH, THE CONCERN EVERY FATHER PROBABLY HAS.

FLIPPER ARMS?

OH, FOR CRYING OUT LOUD.

OH, TERRY, TERRY, TERRY.

WHY AM I NOT SURPRISED?

SHERIFF'S DEPARTMENT!

TERRY? TERRY!

KNOCK, KNOCK. HI.

KNOCK, KNOCK.

GUESS WHO? WHO'S THERE? GUESS WHO? WHO'S THERE?

SHERIFF'S DEPARTMENT. WE JUST SAID THAT.

WHAT DO YOU GUYS WANT?

WHAT DO YOU THINK?

I'M LETTING YOU IN. I DIDN'T LET-- OPEN THE DOOR.

KNOCK, KNOCK.

WHO'S THERE? SHERIFF'S DEPARTMENT.

HEY, WHAT DO YOU GUYS WANT?

WE HAVE A WARRANT THIS TIME, LET US IN.

OK, HOLD ON. I'M JUST GOING TO GO TO THE KITCHEN FOR A SECOND.

OK. COME RIGHT BACK. WE'LL WAIT HERE.

'CAUSE WE HAVE A WARRANT.

I'M GONNA MAKE YOU SOME LEMONADE.

OK, OPEN THE DOOR FIRST, PLEASE, TERRY.

AND WE DON'T HAVE AN HOUR.

OPEN THE MIME DOOR. GOOD.

THE LADY AT THAT HOUSE OVER THERE--

OK. LOOKING OUT HER WINDOW,

AND SEEING-- HI. WHAT?

WHAT DID SHE SEE?

SHE SAW ME, UH, TOTALLY PARTYING.

CAN YOU DESCRIBE "PARTYING" FOR ME,

PLEASE, IN MORE DETAIL. I GOT A CAKE--

MM-HMM. AND THEN I GOT MY FLUTE-- MM-HMM. AND THEN I GOT MY FLUTE--

MM-HMM. AND I GO LIKE THIS.

♪ BOO-BOO-BOO-BOO ♪

TERRY, CAN I ASK YOU A QUESTION?

♪ BOO-BOO-BOO-BOO ♪

WHAT?

IS THAT FLUTE ANOTHER MAN'S PENIS?

WHOA, WHOA! TIME OUT. HA HA.

NO, TIME IN. NO.

GAME... THERE'S NO TIME OUTS.

GAME IN. THERE'S NO TIME OUTS IN LIFE.

WE'RE BACK IN PLAY.

WELL, MAYBE THE FLUTE EVOLVED.

OK, NOW WE'RE GETTING SOMEWHERE.

I SAID MAYBE, I DIDN'T SAY IT DID.

FIRST OF ALL, I'M NOT GAY.

I'M SITTING HERE WAITING FOR MY GIRLFRIEND TO PICK ME UP.

YOU'RE WAITING FOR YOUR GIRLFRIEND TO PICK YOU UP.

WHAT'S YOUR GIRLFRIEND'S NAME AGAIN, TERRY?

SEEEEEMJI.

SEEEEEMJI?

SPELLED?

S-E-E-E-E-E-M,

SILENT "J" "I."

OH, LOOK WHO'S HERE! HI, SEEEEEMJI! HI, BABY!

WHAT'S GOING ON HERE?

UH, I DON'T KNOW. THE 5-O'S ALL UP IN MY GRILL.

WHY ARE YOU GUYS ALWAYS HARASSING HIM?

IT'S ABSOLUTELY RIDICULOUS. HI, SEEEEEMJI.

HI, SWEETIE. I LOVE YOU. HI, SWEETIE. I LOVE YOU.

I LOVE YOU. I LOVE YOU, SEEEEEMJI.

HI, I'M SEEEEEMJI. THE "J" IS SILENT.

THIS IS MY GIRLFRIEND SEEEEEMJI.

HI.

WOW, YOU'RE... YOU'RE A--A...

AN ITEM. WE'RE A COUPLE.

WE'RE ENGAGED, BY THE WAY.

WOW. CONGRATULATIONS. WOW. CONGRATULATIONS.

I GOT THIS AT LORD OF THE WEDDING RINGS.

IT'S BEAUTIFUL, ISN'T IT?

DOWN THE STREET. YOU KNOW THAT STORE, IT'S BEAUTIFUL.

We're expecting.

YOU'RE EXPECTING?

MM-HMM. WOW! MY GOD!

BY TERRY? BY TERRY.

TERRY PUT HIS WIENER--

NO, NO, NO. INSIDE YOU?

HE HAD, UM, WE DID IT,

UM, WITH, UM, ARTIFICIAL INSEMINATION.

OH!

BECAUSE HE HAS A CONDITION NOW, SO WE DON'T...

WE DON'T ACTUALLY...

Have sex in that way.

OH, OK.

THIS IS A LOT OF INFORMATION.

A LOT OF THIS IS STARTING TO MAKE SENSE NOW.

WE SHOULD PROBABLY GET GOING.

WHEN WE GET IN THE BEDROOM...WE GET IN THE BEDROOM,

AND WE GET NUDE, AND THEN I CAN'T GET... AND I VOMIT.

OK.

ALL WIEGEL'S LITTLE BABY DOES

IS STAGGER AROUND LIKE A RETARD AND LOOK AT BOOBS,

SO, YEAH, IT COULD BE MINE.

YOU HAVE MADE A VERY GOOD DEAL FOR $6,000.

WE'RE VERY EXCITED.

WE'RE EXCITED TO BE PARENTS.

BENSON! WE'RE GONNA NAME HIM BENSON.

OH! HE LOOKS LIKE A BENSON!

HE'S A--THAT'S ALSO A GREAT TV SHOW.

OK.

SO, WHERE WILL, UH, YOUR--YOUR SON BE LIVING?

WE LIVE IN TAHOE. YES.

OOH! WHERE'S THAT?

IT'S ACTUALLY ABOUT, UH, 30, 40 MILES.

IT'S BEAUTIFUL! HAVE YOU NEVER BEEN?

YEAH, MY CAR WON'T MAKE IT THAT FAR.

OH.

YOU SHOULD REALLY VISIT. IT'S GORGEOUS.

YOU DON'T HAVE TO ACTUALLY. NOT US.

WELL, YOU KNOW, THE AREA.

YOU KNOW, I WOULD COME TO THE AREA.

YES? WIEGEL? YES? WIEGEL?

FOUND THIS BY YOUR LOCKER.

OH, MY GOD.

D.N.A. TEST RESULTS?

OH, MY GOD, OH, MY GOD, OH, MY GOD.

WIEGEL, I AIN'T-- I AIN'T--I AIN'T GOT MUCH.

I WISH I HAD AT LEAST KNOWN.

NO, YOU KNOW WHAT-- YOU KNOW WHAT,

LIKE HAVING A-- HAVING A--HAVING A KID MIGHT, LIKE,

GIVE ME REASON TO--TO KEEP GOING.

NO, NO, NO. I THOUGHT IT'D BE BEST IF YOU DIDN'T KNOW.

LIKE HAVING SOMEBODY TO KINDA FILL

MY FOOTSTEPS AND KEEP GOING.

IT'S NOT NECESSARY. IT'S NOT NECESSARY.

I CAN'T BELIEVE THAT FOR $6,000,

YOU'RE JUST GONNA NOT EVEN TELL ME.

HOW 'BOUT 10? SOLD.

GREAT.

OH, I'M GONNA BE THE BEST MOMMY EVER!

JUST PUT, UM, "BABY" IN THE MEMO.

GREAT.

DELORES?

HERE YOU GO. GREAT!

HAVE A GREAT LIFE!

THANKS!

BYE! BYE, BABY!

WHOO! 10 G-BOMBS.

GOOD WORK. THAT WAS GOOD. 5 AND 5.

I DIDN'T KNOW THAT YOU WERE CAPABLE OF THAT.

NO, I JUST DID A LITTLE CAYENNE PEPPER IN EACH EYE.

OH. YOU SHOULD GO INTO COMMUNITY THEATER.

NO, .

CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE BY MTV NETWORKS

CAPTIONED BY THE NATIONAL CAPTIONING INSTITUTE - www.ncicap.org--

THAT'S NOT HOW THE SECRET WORKS.

YOU CAN'T GO, "OH, I HOPE THAT PERSON GETS KILLED."

ANDREW, ANDREW, WE'RE NOT FAMILIAR WITH THE SECRET.

WE HAVE NOT READ THE SECRET.

WE'RE FAMILIAR WITH YOU.

YOU HAVE TO GET AHOLD OF IT. IT WILL CHANGE YOUR LIFE.

GET OFF THE BRIDGE, GO BACK TO YOUR MOM AND DAD'S HOUSE,

WE'LL BORROW YOUR COPY OF THE SECRET,

AND YOU KNOW WHAT, WE'LL GET A LITTLE BOOK CLUB GOING.

I READ IT. IT'S NOT THAT GOOD.

YOU KNOW WHAT? JUST 'CAUSE YOU SAID THAT, I'M OUT OF HERE.

NO, NO, NO, NO!

HE'S WRONG! HE'S WRONG!

SORRY! I'M SORRY. I LOVED IT.