Original subtitles

Okay, well, today we have a real special treat for you.

Wait, wait! Stop. Stop!

- Leslie? - Yeah.

James, you are my light.

And I need to ask you something.

Will you please make me the happiest man in the world?

- Oh, my God! - .

- Are you alright? - help him.

- It's alright. - Are you alright?

Yeah, I'm fine. I'm fine. I'm fine.

- He's okay. - He's alright, everybody.

Will you be my life partner?

- Aah! - Say yes.

'Yes! Yes! Oh!'

- I love you. - I love you too.

- . - Aah!

- 'Hey!' - 'Who did that?'

It was that little Mexican kid!

Come on... It was a trick.

- I got it... - Whoa!

- Whoa! - Oh! Oh!

Alright, okay. I got him by the belt.

Get back in the building! No loitering!

- 'Give me a hoo-ah!' - 'Hoo-ah!'

- Okay, let's do a fight lines. - 'Fight lines.'

Make a fight lines. Remember, like we talked about.

- Look alive! Look alive! - Yep. Yes, sir. Yes, sir.

'You could cut the tension here tonight with a knife.'

'Tighten up your metal! Tighten up your metal!'

'...and I gotta tell you, the last time they won'

'they ripped this town apart.'

'Hoo, there was rioting, cars set on fire'

'dozens of law enforcement officers injured'

'and hospitalized, and, of course, raping sprees.'

'And here we go, coming out of the time-out.'

'Here it is, 20 seconds on the clock.'

'And it's the Wolf pack up by two.'

'Shock and awe, people. Shock and awe.'

- Hah! - Shock and awe.

'...six seconds left. Valdez left.'

'Look as he tries for the steal. Two seconds left.'

'Hoffman shoots. Livingston tries to block!'

- 'It's good!' - Oh!

'The poor Wolf Pack, they can't do it. They lose it...'

- Oh, thank God Reno sucks. - Thank God we suck.

♪ Sacramento's number one ♪

Here we go.

Hola, senor. Nice.

- Crap! - Okay.

Crap.

- You guys... - Hi.

- I'm so glad you're here. - What's up?

Somebody stole all of the mild salsa.

That's why you called us out here?

Yes. It's usually on the counter next to the hot.

You know, it goes mild and then hot?

And it was there, it was gone. The mild is gone. Wait, hold on.

Sorry. Your order's up. Oh, jeez. Here we go.

Ow! Ouch!

- You know, Terry... - Sorry.

- Terry... - What?

You bring that on yourself, alright?

What do you mean?

No one told you you had to wear those skates.

'Or those shorts.'

They probably prefer that you don't wear the skates.

- Why? - Why?

- These skates-- - 'Um, I don't know.'

These skates were given to me by my great, great grandmother.

- Mm-hmm. - She was from China.

I know what this is about. I know what this is about.

- What is it about? - What is it about?

You are an attention whore.

- What does that mean? - What does that mean?

- What doesn't it mean, Terry? - I don't think I am.

You don't?

Here's your food.

- See, I got it. - 'Oh!'

Ouch.

I feel very "Braveheart." Don't you, guys?

'I feel like a very good combination of "Braveheart"'

and "Debbie Does Dallas" in the best way.

'Hey, Dangle.'

It couldn't be more macho to wear a kilt.

He got [bleep] killed in the end of that movie, didn't he?

Hell. Hey, hell, look at me. I feel like a [bleep] lawn jockey.

- You look wonderful. - No. Look at that...

What sort of a lawn jockey would dress like that?

A Highland Warriors jockey. It's perfect.

You look perfect for a gay commitment ceremony.

Yeah, I look like a gay leprechaun

if that's what you mean.

- Leprechauns don't wear kilts. - Well, whatever.

It's just foolish. I mean--

And I don't appreciate the gay aspect of that--

Well, I don't appreciate you trying to make us

dress like fools.

I mean, why couldn't we just wear our formals?

This is formal!

- It's just... - What about this is informal?

- Stupid. - It's a skirt.

It's not a skirt! It's a kilt! Stop saying it's a skirt!

What about the purse though? The purse is--

- Yeah. - Sporran! It's a sporran!

We look like women, Dangle. I think you're trying to recruit--

We look like Highland Warriors!

I think you're trying to recruit us is what

you're trying to do. It's bad enough--

- Do what? Say it again. - ...[bleep] ceremony.

What did you just say? What did you just say?

- 'Hold on.' - What did you just say?

I said, [bleep] the ceremony.

- Come on! Come on! Come on! - Let go!

- Say it again. - Garcia...

- Say it again. Say it again. - Garcia.

James, you look gayer when you're wrestling.

- Ugh! - Say it again.

- I'm-I'm not going. - Get him off, get him off.

I hope you have a happy week together. [bleep].

What do the bridesmaids wear if we're wearing skirts?

We are... You are the bridesmaids.

Sheriff's Department.

I've got a report about a stolen car.

- Hey, her majesty's guard. - Her majesty's guard!

What news thou bringeth from her majesty, the queen?

Well, I'll tell you. We are looking for...

Apparently, there was a report of a stolen car

and someone called it in, and we were wondering

'if somebody saw something.'

Aye, we did just this morrow see a rapscallion

abscond with a horseless carriage not two leagues hence.

- So, you-- - Aye, aye.

This be a brutal act of skullduggery.

Uh, thank goodness thou hast been called upon to save--

- 'Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!' - 'Hey! Hey!'

- Excuse me, wench... - When was the car stolen?

What did it look like? Who was driving it?

- We did see a tall, moorish-- - A tawny moor.

- Tawny, um... - 'A tawny moor?'

A tawny moor, 16 stone, 13 hand.

- Old-timey talk for black guy. - Black guy!

Sir, black guy did come hither and--

Moor. Moor. Moor. Tawny moor.

- Tawny moor. - He was a moor.

So, so moor did come and--

Abscond with the horseless carriage two leagues hence.

'And how tall was he, do you know?'

Um, well, thirteen hand.

- Thirteen hand? - Thirteen hand.

How about in English? How many...

- It's 5...about 5'6". - '5'5"-5'6".'

Well, you know what? That's taller. He's giving you...

Okay. Now, do you know the, uh, make of the car?

It would be very helpful.

'Twas from a faraway land.

How about in English? The make of the car was a...

- Faraway... - A Ford?

- It's a Mitsubishi Galant. - Mitsubishi Galant!

- Thank you. - 1998, '99--

Rachel, we're gonna have a problem.

Some of us are taking this job seriously.

- Good day! Good morrow. - Good day! God save the queen!

What the is your problem?

This whole Dangle-Leslie commitment-ceremony thing

is really getting under my skin.

I...

I have, you know, a past with Jim

and I assume that what's happening here

is I've gotten knocked up.

Clearly, I'm taken, in a way...

...and he suddenly has to pretend like he's gay.

I'm happy for him. Actually, I'm very happy for him.

If it makes him happier, I'm happy for him.

I'm happy for him. I'm sad for Leslie though.

He could do better.

How does my sporran look, Joe?

- Looks great. - Ha.

Surprise!

- Jim. - Hi, Trudy.

- I was gonna get out and do... - 'Yeah, uh...'

Hold on, I have a dance. Hold on.

- Oh, this isn't-- - Oh, God.

I had envisioned this so much sexier.

Ugh!

Hold on, Jim. That's the best part. I did a sexy robot.

- 'Yeah. Oh!' - Really...

- 'Oh, you look beautiful.' - I do?

- Yeah, you look so beautiful. - Thanks, Jim.

- Let's get you out of here now. - But, you know...

You and I might have one last chance

'cause, you know, you're gonna tie the knot and...

- Yup. - It's not too late.

Yeah, it is.

If you can get me out of this thing.

Oh. Oh. You're really stuck, huh?

- Yeah, I really am. - Seriously? Really?

I think these are not made for pregnant women.

- I can't-- - Seriously?

Jim, I'm caught. I'm really caught.

You know, I'm gonna suck it in. Suck in for a second.

- There's no sucking in when-- - Suck in! Suck in!

Just suck in for a second!

It's not happening I'm not moving at all.

Oh, no! I ruined everything.

No, you didn't ruin everything. You didn't ruin everything.

You're just naked and stuck.

- Yeah. And lactating. - Just, um, naked and stuck.

Are you okay? I'm worried about you.

It's probably just nerves, Jim. It happens.

'Oh.'

- Hey, Frisbee. - 'Frisbee!'

Well, the end times are near.

The truths of Revelations have manifested themselves.

- The day has come? - 'Mm-hmm.'

- It's happened. - Mm-hmm.

- The Jews? - The Jews have taken over.

And now we gotta come around

and give every head of household the mark.

- The mark of the beast. - 'Oh, what are they gonna do?'

Are they, are they gonna come, uh, take my-my home?

- Yes. - They gonna come take my land?

They gonna come take my babies?

- Yes. - Yes.

- 'Yes, yes to all of those.' - Gonna make 'em the Jew bees?

- 'Yes.' - 'Yes.'

Some of the ones who have a little somethin'

going on upstairs are taking for new ground.

- Mexico. - 'Where is it?'

- That's what I heard. - 'It's South.'

'Leave under the cover of darkness...'

'...sleep during the day.'

'Take to the trees and the riverbeds.'

You'll be safe.

- Kids! - Come on.

The mayor's son owns all this property

and wants them off, okay?

They been squattin' just a little bit too long.

Drop your weapon.

Dear Jesus, we know you really weren't Jewish.

Grab around here.

I'm very sweaty under my boobs, so I'm sorry.

Okay, now we're gonna corkscrew...

- Towards you. - Towards me.

- Uh, lefty loosey. - Lefty loosey.

- Alright. - You ready?

This can't be great for the baby.

I don't think it's a good idea.

Okay, okay. Okay.

Alright, what if we, what if we get some soap?

- Soap? - Trudy?

What did you do? What did you do?

The whole thing, I was gonna do, I was, I was doing...

I was the sexy robot, and then I had a ping-pong ball

that was gonna come out of my vagina

and then, and now my edible panties are--

- Oh. Okay, okay. Alright. - Alright.

Let's just get her out.

Well, I got a bunch of lube in my car.

- Go get it. - Go get it.

I don't want lube on my back. I don't want lube on my back.

Well, we'll just put it on your--

- We'll lube the cake! - Lube washes off your back!

Lube washes off your back!

- Okay. I just... - Trust me.

My baby's traumatized enough as it is.

He's not gonna know that you were in a cake full of lube.

- Alright. - And up!

Maybe we should call the fire department.

- Do it! - Not from her head.

- I'm not going to. - Go!

Anybody? Anything?

Her back's really sweaty in this cake.

It's got cake and sweat and icing and...

- Oh, hey, guys. - How are ya?

- Oh, hey. - Hi.

- Uh, we got one of these here. - Yeah.

- How's it going, guys? - Good, good, good.

Hey, well, congratulations.

Oh, thanks very much. Thanks.

Yeah, and thanks for inviting us to the ceremony.

- Hey, look, it's been crazy. - Totally understand.

- Well, you had limited space. - Limited seating. I understand.

We did take some time to get you a little gift.

It's the, uh, sound plates.

'Feel free to re-gift if you need to.'

- Sound plates? - Yeah, we...

We saw you had that registered...

I didn't even know it was registered.

Princess Di commemorative plates.

- That's really... - I meant to.

Can you get me out of this [bleep] cake?

Today is not about you! Today is not about you!

- Today is Dangle's day. - Don't upset her.

Hold on. Hold on! Hold on! Hold on!

Either my edible panties just disintegrated

or my water just broke.

- Oh! - Oh, my God!

Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

There's the slimy ping-pong ball.

Double time, double time, double time.

- Double time. - Okay.

Hey, Enrique, this toy gun I got from the regular toy store

looks so real. I bet it could fool anybody.

You're exactly right. I bet it would even fool a cop.

Hold it right there.

People, on behalf of law enforcement

we think it's real.

Trust me, if people try to shoot at you on your job all day long

just about anything would start to look like a gun.

Staplers, a candy bar

even GI Joe's black brave friends, the Tuskegee Airmen.

So, so it sounds like when I see a police officer

I shouldn't point anything at him.

Or maybe thank him or her for making our community safer.

But even better, don't look at us at all.

- Breathe. Breathe. - Keep going. Keep going.

Breathe.

Okay, lift the legs. Lift the legs.

- On three. - One, two, three.

Somebody's not lifting. That's not fair.

- The baby's coming. - Listen up. Listen up.

This is not gonna fit. This cake is not going in this.

What?

The hospital's only 25 blocks south-east!

- We can do this. - No!

!

Block off some streets!

Listen to me, alright?

I want you to take your vagina, and I want you to do this.

With your vagina.

you! Ahh!

- Which way? - Former Avenue.

Former Avenue. [bleep].

Is there a hospital that is downhill?

Oh, [bleep].

- 'Help! Help! Help!' - 'Help! Over! Over! Over!'

- 'Aah! Hurry! I can't...' - 'Breathe!'

- 'Nothing to see here.' - 'Nothing to see here, folks.'

Come on, nothing to see here.

- Nothing to see here. - Eighteen more blocks to go.

Only eighteen more blocks.

Just hold that little sucker in there.

Aah! Mother [bleep], sucker!

- Nothing to see here. - Breathe!

- Go back. We got a wrong turn. - 'Double back, everybody.'

- 'Double back!' - What holiday is it?

'I can't hold it!'

- . - Sorry.

This really [bleep]...

Well, first we'd like to share our flame with you.

Oh, no, no. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

There's oxygen everywhere. That's absolutely not allowed.

- I'm sorry. I'm sorry. - Okay.

Okay, everybody, mime it. Mime, mime the flaming circle.

Pretend it.

'Do you have to pretend there's wind in here too?'

There's a, uh, a tape player?

'There was a tape player at the hall.'

- Is there a tape player? - No.

At the nurse's station?

'A boom box or a ghetto blaster?'

- No. I'm sorry. - No?

♪ Someone to hold you too close ♪

♪ Up here with me James ♪ ♪ Some... ♪ ♪ Up here with me James ♪ ♪ Some... ♪

♪ Someone to hurt you too deep ♪

'I'm flat. I'm sorry.'

♪ Being alive ♪ ♪ Ali-i-ive ♪ ♪ Being alive ♪ ♪ Ali-i-ive ♪

♪ Being ali-i-ive ♪

♪ Be-e-eing ali-i-ive ♪

♪ Come on ♪

- I can't hold it that long. - Wow.

It would've been better with the tape. Yeah.

That's why, that's why we have the tape.

- You were flat, you were flat. - I was flat.

- I was flat. - No, no, I was flat.

- I was flat. - I was flat.

- You were both a little flat. - Okay.

If anyone here objects

to this same-sex partnership union...

...you may speak now or forever hold your peace.

Object, she doesn't mean, you know, okay?

Not a theoretical. We're not talking theoreticals.

Okay.

Your love that started out as a burning ember has now...

Hold! Hold! Hold!

Uh, I, uh...

I got something to say.

Far too long the Lord has been playing three-card Monte

with my soul, my soul mate.

I've been looking high and far

for the person I wanna share my life with

and [bleep], I thought it would come

in the shape and form of a woman...

...but lately, I've, I've addressed feelings

that I've had for a... man.

'Feelings that are strong and rock my foundation.'

And this is a man that I've always admired

his leadership.

And I've always secretly laughed at his jokes inside

and, uh, I never wanted to show it until today

and all I know is what my father told me.

"When love asks you to dance

"you take it by the hand

and you head to the floor."

I love you as a friend, okay, but... you're so not my type.

I'm sorry. I'm really sorry.

Shut up, Jim.

- 'Oh!' - 'Oh, my. Oh, God!'

Avert your eyes.

Leslie, will you dance with me?

Until the last dance... in heaven.

I'm so happy.

I'm so happy. I'm so happy. Oh!

'Yeah!'

What the [bleep] was that?

Jim, I have something to tell you.

I know who the father is.