Original subtitles

We take you now live for a statement from a representative

for the Reno Sheriff's Department.

The mayor of Chickentown has no more comments at this time.

I have no further com...

How much if I do that when we go?

- On, on air you're gonna do it? - When we start going.

When they give me the sign and we go.

- How much if I do chicken talk? - Ten bucks.

- If I do chicken-- - Ten bucks.

You do that live on the air.

Man, people will be stoned, turn that on and...

Well, what if people turned it on and, like

"Hey, is that...?"

That, he's doin' chicken talk, right?

It's not just me. Ten bucks. Do it on the air.

I'm not gonna do it. Okay, serious. Here we go.

- 'We're already live, boys.' - How long we've been on?

- 'Well, the whole time.' - Oh, [bleep].

Sorry.

I got it.

- Whoa! - Oh! Oh!

Alright, okay, I got him by the belt.

Get back in the building! No loitering!

- Aah! - Ah!

Hey, everybody knows what today is.

- Cinco de mayo! - No.

Kimball's been, uh, been with us for a whole year.

- 'One year on the force.' - 'Ho!'

- Whoo! - 'Speech. Speech.'

- I'm a bitch. - Speech. Speech. Speech.

Speech. Make it a short one.

'I want to just say that, you know'

I had my doubts from the beginning, uh...

As did we.

...about all of you, but, uh--

'Speech, not a personal attack.'

Well, no. I mean, this year was a little rough.

I think we can all admit it was a little rough going

in the beginning, and all the practical jokes

and the dyke sprayed on my liquor, my locker and--

- On your what? - On my locker.

You said dyke, and then you said liquor right next to each other.

I didn't mean to.

- Yes, you did. - I think you did.

- 'No, I did not.' - 'Yes, you did.'

- 'Alright.' - Dyke and "lick her."

I put dyke on your locker as a holiday gag.

'Okay, so, uh--'

You're a real hero for putting up with us [bleep].

Yeah. Congratulations.

Oh, your commendation medal is flying in...

'Well, thank you.'

...from planet I give a [bleep].

Got another 911 call about Big Mike.

One of the neighbors called.

'Sheriff's department!'

- Oh, my Lord. - Oh, [bleep].

Mike, what happened. Mike? Mike?

Easy. Easy peasy Japanesey.

I don't know if you want to touch that now, sir.

- It's best we don't touch it. - I feel cold.

Here, let's warm up, Mike. We'll warm up, Mike.

- Alright. - Here we go.

I'm gonna give you just a little hug, okay?

- What's your name? - My name is Deputy Kimball.

- And it's gonna be alright. - Where they been hiding you?

Mike, okay, she's doing this just for warmth.

- Far away from you because-- - Here, hug me.

Hug me for warmth. Hug me for warmth. Mike!

Mike! Mike! Hug me for warmth, Mike.

- Tell me the truth. - Yeah.

There's a dart in my head.

Mike, there's a dart in your head.

- . - It's in there pretty good.

- I knew that, [bleep]. - Yeah.

- Can you feel that? - Nope.

- You can't feel it at all? - Can't feel a darn thing.

It's in there really, really good.

- Okay? - Let me see.

- Can you see that? - Gentle. Gentle.

It's in there real good. No. Yeah.

He seems fine to me. I can't tell.

I don't see what the difference is.

- Well? - Can you feel that at all?

I can feel a slight numbing sensation.

You feel a slight numbing sensation?

- Yeah, around in here. - Sir.

'Raineesha and I got assigned to stakeout duty'

so we're staking out this guy, Hector.

He's a known drug dealer

and we're just sort of hanging out

and waiting for some sort of evidence to come along.

- Yeah? - 'Hi, baby.'

'Hold on, he's getting another phone call.'

- Hey, sweetie, what's goin' on? - 'What are you wearing?'

'Who's he calling?'

- I'm wearing your smell. - 'Oh...'

'You know what you're like naked?'

'What?'

- You're like a night in Cuba. - 'Really?'

You have vines and stars in your hair.

'You're so special to me.'

'No one's ever talked to me that way.'

You gonna sit on me?

'I'm gonna sit on you, baby, so hard. Yeah.'

- 'Oh, is someone at your door?' - 'Yeah. You know what?'

I ordered a Domino's. Can I call you back?

- 'Yeah, baby, call me back.' - Hello?

You leave me standing out there!

'No, I'm not leaving you standing!'

You scared me! You freaked me out!

- 'You should give me a key.' - I'm not giving you--

- Why can't I have a key? - Where's the car?

The car's fine. Here's your tacos.

Hey, hey. Hey, what'd I miss?

- Grab a chair. - Okay.

Girl, all hell been breakin' loose.

He's...

He's dating the one girl...

- He got a baby mama. - She's pregnant.

Now he's dating the other girl--

- That's the pregnant one? - This is the pregnant one.

Here, scooch up so you can see.

'Wow, you're heavy.'

Do you have any idea

how uncomfortable I am?

- Very uncomfortable. - How pretty.

- You know what you look like? - Who?

- You look like a night in Cuba. - What's--

Wait a minute, that's what he said to that other girl

"You look like a night in Cuba."

- You don't think I look fat? - Hello?

'Hey, baby, I'm coming up around the corner.'

- 'Oh, my God.' - It's about to go down now.

Do me a favor, okay? Go get me some Imodium.

- What? - Go get me--

I just got here. I want to eat the tacos!

She looks like she's... No, older than--

He turns, then he turns again and he gets all sweet.

And that's when you go, "Oh, he's not that bad."

- Cherry? - Yeah.

Get me some toilet paper, too.

You know what? This is just like a man.

They reel you in, they give you a little sweet talk

and then they disappoint you.

Get me toilet paper and, uh...

...get me "In Touch" magazine.

- "In Touch" magazine? - Yeah.

'Why do you want "In Touch"?'

Because I want to know about Kevin Federline.

'Okay.'

You ever hear that joke about the Chinese guy

that came in and asked his wife for a 69?

Oh, and did she mistake it for a food order of some kind

like a restaurant order?

Is that what happens?

Yeah, 'cause they got the menus.

Yeah, yeah, they got the menus with numbers and she...

Yeah. I'm sure it's funny. I'm sure it's funny.

It's a real good joke, but--

You wanna go back and tell it

I'll act like I don't know where it's gonna go?

- It's, you know-- - No, no.

Go ahead and tell it. I'll act like...

Now I feel like you're mad.

- Yeah. - Yeah.

Is there a, uh, problem?

Well, uh, sir, uh, we've been getting reports

from some of the women here

you've been groping them in the gorge back there.

What's happening is there have been some bewitchments

around here, and I was simply checking them

for the devil's mark.

You know, the devil leaves an extra nipple to his acolytes

uh, once they take part in a black mass

and I was making sure that they didn't have an extra nipple

around the, uh, breastal or crotchal area.

'Come on, man, you have no argument.'

You and your little geeky, spazzy, dweeby friends

come out here every year and wear this [bleep] stupid...

Sheriff of Nottingham's department.

Sheriff of Nottingham's department.

What be-eth the problem?

This Spaniard and Nubian have come into our village

'and are preventing me'

from stopping a-a-a plague of satanic--

Jim, Jim, can I talk--

This Spaniard and this hearty moor are beknownst to me.

They cometh from thousands of years in the future--

And I don't recognize the, the bewitchment

that brought them here.

- Guy? - Yeah.

Uh, when we're at the Ren Fair

I-I'm Ron Merryquiver

from the Sheriff of Nottingham's Department. Okay?

So, like, respect that.

Fine, and yet, with your gropery

you have besmirched the good name of knights everywhere

and, verily, Arthur himself.

I will honor his bailiwick.

Into the stock with thee!

- Um, I-- - Were you really groping girls?

- Seriously? - Well, kind of--

'Cause you know, like, I'm really, when I'm not here

I'm really a cop for real.

Oh. Well, then, I wasn't.

- But you kinda were. - Maybe.

Fine, now let us throw our most rotten of vegetables

at this specimen.

'Uh-oh. Talk to me.'

Scram, spam!

- 'Oh!' - Ew!

'Today we're testing out the jaws of life here.'

The jaws of life is a very important

'emergency personnel tool.'

I'd like a nice cold one. How 'bout a nice cold one?

'The classic struggle of man versus ketchup!'

We have this little petty cash box

and honestly, uh, we forgot the combination, so...

Clear!

Okay, well, now we still can't get to the money, Junior.

What do we use this for, again, like, for real?

Uh, so my, uh, ex-wife and her new hubby

uh, are having an anniversary party.

- Gonna be nothing but squares. - 'He's here.'

- Hey, Deb. - Hi.

- Okay. Hey. - Hi. Good to see you.

Good to see you, too. Good to see you, too.

- There he is! There he is! - Dang.

- What? - '"What" is what he says.'

- Come over here. - He says, "What."

Give it to me. How you been?

Ah, somebody's been workin' out.

Oh, yeah. Sit down.

- Who's been bronzing? - I've not been bronzing.

- 'Me!' - You look so great.

- Beautiful! - Can you tell?

- Wow! - A beautiful bronze god.

Bain de soleil for that St. Tropez tan.

'If there were any other ladies here'

we'd have to make sure that they... didn't attack you.

'Am I the first one? I'm the first one.'

- 'I'm the early bird, I guess.' - 'You're the one.'

- You're the one. - I'm the only guest.

- You're the guest of honor. - I'm the guest of honor.

- Leslie insisted. - Oh.

- Happy our anniversary. - Isn't that sweet?

Happy your anniversary and I'm the only guest. How?

It's, well... So how've you been?

Fine. Wonderfully fine.

How's your mom doing?

My mom's dead.

'L-O-L, Brenda14.'

Christian Bale

is my number-one Q-T., 2.

P-L-O-S.

that means, parents looking over my shoulder.

Uh, so what we do here to sometimes sting

these internet pedophile predators

is we do, like, a stakeout.

We go to chat rooms, we pretend

that we are one of the other teenage girls

that go to these sites, and we just wait

lay in wait for these, uh, these awful fellas to come

and kind of make their move.

Uh, I got a character named, uh

t-tammy-wet-14.

Oh, here's our boy.

Hey, Ray.

You're early today.

You get off early?

Wink. Dot, dot, dot. J.K.

Smiley face.

Oh, you are at work.

You are bad.

N-I-F-O-C.

Naked In Front Of The Computer.

When do we F2F?

That means meet face to face.

I don't even know

your real name.

GF. Question mark?

"Ray Fritzman?"

- Freeze, Ray! Freeze! - 'Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!'

You just stay right there, you son of a bitch.

6'2", my ass. Somebody go get him.

- 'Is that like a secret knock?' - Come here, you sexy thing.

Ew! He's got juice from the other pregnant lady on him!

Remember that movie I was telling you about?

- Yes. - It's going.

Do I get to play Josephina?

You can play whatever you want.

Remember, it's like an art film, it's like a drama film

but it's really mostly a porno movie.

- Right. Right. - It's called "Misthair."

Oh. Oh, like Cirque Du Soleil--

No. No. No. No. No. No.

"Misthair." It's like mist and hair.

- So are people hairy in it? - One person.

- She's a whore, she's a whore. - She's a whore.

- Go take a shower. - Okay. Let me bite that lip.

Remember? Mm. Mm.

Next thing you know, he's gonna want some [bleep].

No, no, no. He just told her to go take a shower.

It's all me. It's all me. Like, I can smell me on...

- I can smell me on your coat. - Okay.

She's probably so full of juice from other guys.

'I am so pissed off.'

'I'm coming. Don't care if you say no.'

'Huh? She's back!'

Seriously, why should I knock?

Oh, my God! We gotta do something. We gotta do--

She's in the shower! What if she finds out she's in the sho--

I'm gonna call.

Yo.

Casanova, I need you to do me a favor.

I see you. I need you to stand up and act very calm.

The Reno Sheriff's Department

'has been peepin' out your whole game.'

And let us tell you what you gonna do, alright?

'You gonna get rid of that skank whore.'

'You gonna ask your baby mama to do what?'

Marry you.

And if you don't do it right now

'guess where you gonna spend the night. On your knees, too.'

I wanna tell you something, okay?

- What? - You complete me.

- 'Oh.' - 'Yes!

What the are you talking about?

- 'Go, Jerry Maguire!' - What do you want?

Just marry... Will you marry me?

You wanna marry me? Do you...

- That's what I'm talkin' about. - You know why?

Because you're like a night in Cuba.

Hi, I'm from the Reno Sheriff's Department

with another quick quiz.

Do you know how to accurately calculate

your blood alcohol level? It's simple.

Number of drinks multiplied by type of drinks.

For example, one American beer

two Canadian beers and a gimlet

is 5% times one, 10% times two

and 12% times one.

This gives you your intoxication factor of 32.

Subtract this number from the amount you weigh

without shoes or a belt.

For every hour in which you've consumed one drink

subtract five, and bingo

you know your blood alcohol level.

It's easy, especially, when you consider

that anything above 8/10ths

can get you six months.

Thanks for coming to our party.

It's a swell party. It's a swell party.

Hm, really nice.

- The tchotchkes look good. - Thank you.

Well, we were thinking... I was trying to get--

- 'Is that a new, uh...' - 'Lladro. Mm-hmm.'

I bought that one, the one where he's praying.

For a baby. We've been really...

We've been trying to get pregnant.

Well, I mean, I've been trying to get you to get me pregnant.

We're trying and trying.

- The tchotchkes look good. - Yeah.

Strawberry.

How's everything at the store?

Oh, it's good. It's busy.

Yeah? I haven't been in in almost...

I know, it's been a couple of weeks.

Well, a week and a half.

I'm saving that give-me-a-break lunchbox for you.

Oh, if I had that kind of bread.

- If I win a scratch-and-win. - Oh, scrapbook.

- Scrapbook. - Oh!

- How about that? - Wow!

- Lookie. - Our wedding invitation.

It's our wedding invitation. That was ours.

- Look at that. - Wow.

- Yeah. - Look.

- Yup. - The optimism.

- Yeah. - It is.

And you'll never walk alone.

- Yeah. - I did for a while.

- Except, you will. - Yeah, you do sometimes.

- Oh, dear, dear. - Wow!

- Well, there I am. - Honeymoon.

Yeah, I was a good 350 then.

- That was before the surgery. - Yeah.

Before the ol' stomach staples.

Yeah, I was really... Wow, I was really sweating.

It was so hard, hard to get up that mountain.

I thought you were at a water park.

- Nope. - I wasn't.

Nope, that's, uh, Canada.

Yup, young handsome buck

and his morbidly obese wife dressed up like mounties.

I had a wonderful time.

I really did. And great food, actually.

That's when I could eat whatever I wanted.

You want some great food? You cannot top Canada.

- You can't. No. Mm-mmm. - Really?

- I only know about their bacon. - Well, this is creepy.

In fact, maybe I'll set that over there.

First syllable. How many syllables are there?

- Yeah, start there. - Three.

And the first of the three is...

The first one. Okay, here's the first one.

- I'm in, like, a-- - Don't say it!

- You're talking! - Don't talk!

What's the point of the game if you talk?

It was Briga-[bleep]-doon!

That's five syllables.

Yeah, it's Dangle. I need a ride right away.

Hey, guys.

I think we should really get to what's really important here

and it's the disbursement of mom's ashes.

You get her heart, her head...

...and, um, well, pretty much her torso.

And I was given her, uh

knees down.

Your mother put in her will that I was supposed to get

three quarters of her ashes?

Yes.

We've had, we've been through our spots.

I think I lied to you sometimes

I think. We lied to each other.

We lied to each other. It's alright, baby.

And now I think you're lying because I don't think

this is three quarters of your mother's ashes.

'Honestly, I don't. Here, feel it.'

Well, feel it. You--

You're saying this is three quarters of your mother?

Yes.

Oh, bull[bleep], Deb. Bull[bleep]. Bull[bleep]!

This goes in my house.

This goes, clearly, in the trailer.

- Don't Jew him on the ashes. - Bull[bleep], Deb. You're--

We talked about this.

I'm supposed to get jewed out of part of your mother?

- 'Oh, hey.' - Oh!

- Jim, we got that emergency. - I gotta go, apparently.

- See. - Great.

- Hey, Delilah, how are you? - It's Deborah.

- Oh, hi. - Let's head out. Yeah.

Got some jugs there, huh?

- Hey! Leslie! - I beg your pardon.

- 'Hey! Good to see you, buddy!' - How are you?

How are ya? Give me some hugs there!

I'd walk a mile for a hug and a smile.

- Oh! He rhymes. - Yeah.

I have some Lladros behind the counter for you.

I'm not putting them on the shelves until you see them.

Oh, he's gonna have to pay me before I can--

- Garcia comes in to buy curios? - Absolutely.

Well, we got a... What do we got?

- Yeah, we got-- - A hostage or something.

- Yeah, I've got a hostage-- - Real big emergency.

- Thanks for your mother. - I'm looking forward to it.

I will give you some sugar. Love you!

- Okay. Get out of here. - Alright, Dana.

- You take care now. - Okay. It's Deborah.

- 'Emergency's probably--' - 'Toodle-doo!'

- Bye. - 'Garcia!'

- Ah, love that guy. - Happy anniversary.

Happy anniversary.

- Alright. - Love him.

'I can't figure your hi-fi out.'

Can you help him with the hi-fi?

'Come here, you big macho man.'

Yeah, you big macho men. You two macho guys.

'Here's what you have to do. Take it out.'

- 'There you go.' - 'That made it come out.'

'Okay, now it's out. So it's out and I just take this.'

'You open this right here.'

'Pop that open and jam it in there.'

- 'Jim, put that right there.' - 'Okay, and then...'

- 'Uh!' - 'There it is.'

- 'Wait.' - 'Yeah.'

- 'Yeah.' - 'Yeah.'

- 'Okay, there we go.' - 'Alright.'