Original subtitles

Well, uh, the Reno sheriff's department

is harnessing the power

of Y2K and beyond.

We have set up

reno911.com.

It's loading. Loading.

Any crime that could be happening to you that you need

to report is all right, uh, right on the page

right after the intro.

And... loading.

Boom! That was really fast.

- Come on, man. - She tricked me.

It was a trick.

Pow!

- I got it. - Whoa!

- Whoa! - Oh! Oh!

Alright, okay, I got him by the belt.

Get back in the building! No loitering!

Uh, I guess Mr. French, uh, the dog

from the canine unit, uh, he got into one of the evidence rooms

and ate... How many pounds of magic mushrooms was it?

Yeah, but somebody left it unlocked.

He was sniffing around in there.

- He's, he's... - 'He's okay.'

But he's, he's trippin' pretty hard, so...

- Yeah. - So...

Just stay away from him, I'd say.

Yeah. He's in the hall.

He's, he's spread-eagle in the corner back here.

Yeah. You can't miss him.

Someone should be talking him down, talking him through it.

Somebody should be on duty, because if he throws it up

he'll just eat his own vomit.

They do that. And he'll be high for months.

Do you guys believe that there's another, other dimensions?

- You know? - 'Absolutely.'

'Like a Bizarro World?'

'Like maybe there's a room somewhere'

right now, uh, and it's all

it's like, all of our opposites.

'Opposite of what?'

There's a bunch of really efficient people somewhere

who aren't driving me [bleep] crazy.

Disappear, as they say.

- How are you doing today, sir? - Hello there.

Uh, sorry to interrupt your

trick there, but do you have a permit?

A permit? The Great Jeff does not need a permit.

Well, I'm afraid you do.

Sorry, folks, just gonna have to ask

this gentleman to move along.

'Afraid the show's over.'

Sir, I want you to place your hands behind your back for me.

We're going to handcuff me

with standard-issue handcuffs.

- That's right. - Made of solid stainless steel.

Can you listen for me and tell me

what that sound is, Officer Kimball?

What is that sound? The sound of freedom!

Well, I wonder how you'd do with riot cuffs.

There is no key that can let you out of this device.

Only a metal object, only a sharp knife.

'Let's see how you do on this one.'

Oh, gosh, I wish these

cuffs were off of me! Voila!

Oh, my gosh!

Where did... That, uh, that is something.

I mean, uh, I, I don't

Is this possibly...

Does this possibly belong to you?

Oh, my Lord, this is my favorite

crucifix from when I was just a little girl

and it was on my neck just a second ago

but it, it sure isn't now.

But not anymore!

Ladies and gentlemen, I wonder if the Great Jeff

can escape...

...the Reno sheriff's

department police car.

This squad car is reinforced

with an impenetrable cage!

Absolutely impenetrable!

Once inside this vehicle, there is no escape.

You cannot let yourself out from the inside.

You cannot! Once inside... And I will demonstrate for you.

This car locks so you can't get...

You...

Ladies and gentlemen, act two!

Hey!

'I have had it up to here'

and you had better start talking

you son of a bitch!

Talk!

Being quiet ain't gonna help you.

Your partner's right on the other side of that glass

and he is singing like a little bird.

No, he's not. There's nobody over there.

Yeah, he is, singing like a bird!

Give us a couple minutes. We gotta...

Yeah, let us work on this a little bit.

'See, the whole point of the two-way glass...'

Uh, I did have a real crush on, on my cousin once.

Did you?

You know, we just kissed but...

Uh-huh.

You just kissed. Did you initiate it?

Well, uh, no.

- How old were you? - Uh, I was 32.

'You know what you did was wrong!'

You know what you did was wrong! Sit down.

- I'm sorry. - 'Don't talk!'

'Sorry doesn't cut it.'

- Hey, hey! - Let's go!

Fellas, jeez. Turn it down, huh?

You make me sick!

Hey, hey, hey! Documentary crew.

Documentary crew, guys.

What have we here? What's your name?

- Pete. - Pete?

Mm-hmm.

Do you know what happens to bad little boys, Pete?

No.

They get sent to bad boy island is what happens to them

where they have to work in the pepper mines.

Do you want to go mine pepper on bad boy island?

- No? - No.

Are you sorry for what you did?

- Yeah. - Are you very sorry?

- Yeah. - Times a million sorry?

Yeah.

Be a good boy and listen to your mama and your papa

and not make mischief and you're free to go.

Holy [bleep]! What'd you do?

Where is he, Jim? What'd he do?

- Where is he? Where'd he go? - Where'd he go?

- I let him go. - You did what?

He killed his whole family, Jim.

He raped his little sister.

- Oh, [bleep]. Sorry. - 'Get to the squad car!'

Apparently that little boy, uh, raped his sister to death.

- Hey, where's my van? - Typical.

Car stealing has become more and more common

especially in areas where people are poor and need money for

drugs or to feed their children.

But if her van was outfitted

with a Police Tek 2000 car alert system

like my car is

the scene would look like this.

Man, I sure could use this car to sell it for drug money

and some food for my baby.

Here goes.

Wow! You're right. I should get a job.

Stealing is for jerks.

Thank God!

Another car stealer off the streets.

Thanks to Police Tek.

'Dangle, J. Junior, T.'

- Don't go near the glass. - Don't show weakness.

He'll exploit it.

Don't engage him in conversation.

- Show no weakness. - Don't make eye contact.

We're here to ask questions, not to answer them.

That's actually right.

- Hi, Mike. - Morning, Mr. Powers.

Morning, guys.

How are they treating you in here? Real good?

They leave the lights on in my cell 24 hours a day.

Yeah, well, that's 'cause of what you did

to that psychologist.

'I know, I know.'

- 'Yeah.' - 'That's what happens.'

Mike, uh, when you were still acting DA...

Before, before you chopped all the hookers' heads off

and buried them in your yard, uh...

You changed the long-distance plan.

- 'Do you remember doing this?' - Yes.

Okay, 'cause now, we used to have

something called "Anywhere. Anytime."

And now we have...

'Changed it to the family plan.'

The family, family bonus plan, it's called.

That should be unlimited weekends.

It is, but there's a little bit of a catch.

They've re-zoned the long-distance areas

based on the three digit prefix codes.

So now Sparks is long distance.

Oh, [bleep]!

Yeah. Sparks is long distance. If we want to change it...

For the first three months, I saved the county

like, fifty, fifty six dollars a month.

Yeah, I mean, I think that's why you kept getting re-elected.

You-you're good with that kind of stuff.

But now they've changed it and we need your password code

or they won't let us change it back to "Anywhere. Anytime."

I'm getting customer service

but apparently we need your mother's maiden name.

'You want to help us out there?'

English.

Yes.

It's a computer. Yes.

'Now it's asking for password.'

I'm gonna hold this up and I need you to give

the mother's maiden name, okay, Mike?

It's embarrassing, but if you could...

Schwettedpetta.

It's Finnish.

Accepted. Great.

This is it right here, near Peckamanee, all these, uh...

I think they're kids, they've been shining their little, uh

laser pointer red lights into my squad car

hittin' me in the eye.

- Sons of bitches. - Pissing me off.

How long they been doing it to you?

- Going on four weeks now. - Damn!

Now they're around here somewhere.

There are kids all over the place.

Could be any one of these little Mexicans or something.

Oh! There it is, right there. Son of a bitch.

They got you again? I didn't even see it.

Oh, yeah. There's a whole group.

- Oh, hey! There... - That little fat kid.

Get him! Get him!

Hey! No!

- Freeze! Freeze! - Freeze! Freeze!

Now hit the ground, kid. You, the fat kid!

- Get down. - Get him, Garcia!

'[bleep] damn it, you [bleep]!'

'We will rip your head off and [bleep]...'

- Sheriff's department! - Sheriff's department!

Got another call out here at, uh, one of Reno's

many fabulous scenic brothels.

Sheriff's department!

When you're visiting Reno, these really are the first

places you should come.

- It's much nicer than... - Oh, come on.

What about Harrah's or the El Dorado?

Come to the brothels. You called, uh, 911?

You called? You called? Who called?

- He called. - He called?

Undercover with the Better Business Bureau.

You're undercover with the Better Business Bureau?

- Yeah. - Okay.

- This brothel, uh... - Yes?

Advertises in a magazine called "Yank."

Sure. "Yank."

- For American people. - 'Yeah.'

- No, no, no. - 'No, no, no.'

Oh, "Yank." Got it.

'And on page 28, they have an advertisement'

for a superhero room and it's false advertisement

and also fraud.

False advertisement?

You're accusing these prostitutes of fraud?

Exactly. This is Vampirella.

'This is what they say is Vampirella.'

She doesn't even have the fangs.

Good job. Very, very nice to meet you.

Yeah. What the hell are you looking for?

The body's great, but it's not Vampirella.

'How do you... Who is Vampirella?'

Vampirella is a brunette, not a blonde.

This is supposed to be Ghost.

'Who is this woman over here supposed to be?'

- 'Uh, Scarlet Witch.' - 'Sure. Yeah.'

No. No. She... Scarlet Witch does not have a bikini.

She has a one-piece with a slit like that.

Can I see that badge again?

How many of these women did you...

Her eyes don't go doo-doo-doo-doo.

How many of these prostitutes did you

make whoopee with before you decided

that they were inaccurate--

'I had to try all of them.'

So you, so you tried everyone and then you decided

on behalf of the Better Business Bureau

"I'm going to file a complaint."

But you [bleep] the whole hall of justice first.

I think you came here to [bleep] Vampirella.

Chocolate. Taste it.

- 'It's not--' - It's chocolate.

It's a chocolate badge, sir.

Excuse me! Uh!

Oh, [bleep], let him go.

- Ow! - Hit the fence.

Is there some kind of convention in town or something?

- Oh, dentists. - Oh!

Yeah. The dentists are in town.

Dentists are [bleep] up. Yeah.

Well, they got the best drugs.

- That's true. - Yeah.

Hey, kids, you guys are coming of age

where things are blossoming

and uh, you'll find yourself

after gym class, that you, you know

you're not feeling so fresh

and that you'll want to take a shower.

Now a lot of you

feel that, umm

you're a little inadequate in the, um, you know

in your penis area, and you're a little scared.

Especially some of you, probably the white boys here.

You know, some of us come with a...

you know, a bless--

Oh, God, I hear the buses there. Let's listen.

This has gotta be an all-time record for a response, right?

'Sheriff's department!'

Sheriff's department! Where'd they go? Where'd they go?

Sheriff's department! We heard your alarm!

- Hello? Hello! - Where'd they go?

Why are you waving your gun around?

Why is your alarm blaring?

So sorry, I forgot to turn it off this morning

when I came in to work.

That's been blaring all day long?

- How long has that been going? - Six maybe seven hours.

Six or seven hours. Hmm.

Not a good response time for us, then, really.

We take you now live for a statement from

a representative for the Reno sheriff's department.

And then you... This far...

Doo, bam, bam.

Then up, down, uh, uh.

- And then the, uh... - Then this part?

No, no, no. It's this.

Oh. Ooh, ooh-ooh, pah!

Ooh-ooh, pah! Pah!

Then it's this, but I think you have to go this way, like

if I go that way, 'cause I think that's how they had two lines.

- Let's go from "Pah"! - Okay.

Ooh, pah! Ooh-ooh, pah!

'Deputy. Deputy.'

We're on the air now, live.

Yeah. You're right, you're right. It's double.

It's double, double, walk it, walk it.

Double, double, walk it, walk it.

We're on the air now. We're live.

Hello.

Uhh! Nice. New brake pads.

I'll tell ya

when Lieutenant Jimbo gets horny for a little

chicken panang curry

you cannot beat the P&V Thai

barbecue seafood cafe.

I'm not taking any more chances when it

comes to bicycle security.

Ounce of prevention.

Alright. Let's eat.

Ah! What looks good today?

Thank you so much.

I once saw a Turkish guy in a petting zoo

and I thought I'd seen it all.

A Turkish person at a petting zoo?

What, was he in the petting zoo like an animal

or petting the animals in the zoo?

I don't know. He was just in there.

I did touch him lightly on the back, just 'cause I wasn't sure.

Well, did he act like that's what he was there for?

I said "Excuse me" after I did it, just in case.

Oh, in case he wasn't there as part of the display. Hmm!

He did eat some of the seed.

He might have been a goat. It might have been a goat.

Oh! That you mistook for a Turkish gentleman.

Here he is.

Now, ma'am, just walk away, walk away, walk away.

Hey, the lucky lady is a winner.

That lucky lady was a winner.

Yeah. That lucky lady was...

Well, you know why we're here, don't you?

- To play the game? - What's the game, sir?

- It's just the octopus game. - The octopus game.

Shock the octopus with the money bomb.

Alright. I'm here. I've got a money bomb.

I chuck a dime. What do I win, Carl?

You win a vacation to the Buffalo fair.

Well, you know that the, uh

the great spirit that runs this carnival...

- Mike? - Yeah, Mike.

He's got a restraining order against you.

He's asked you several times not to come out here.

- You don't know Mike. - We went to the giraffe safari

down there world's fair in 1935.

1935 world's fair had a giraffe safari?

That was in Boston, Massachusetts

down there by the water.

Yeah, that was a good world's fair.

You look real good for a man of that age.

Oh, yeah, I take the lotions from the TV

on the industrial commercials.

Hey, look what we won. We won Chief Carl.

- We won Chief Carl. - Look how big he is.

That's the biggest prize of all.

- Come on. We're gonna get out. - 'You have buffalo breath.'

That gets me dizzy! Aah! Aah!

My eyeballs have gone to the back of my head!

- I'm bored. - Come on, people.

Do some shootin', killin', rapin'!

Do something! Steal! Jaywalk! Anything!

Urgh!

♪ I'm a dragon slayer ♪

♪ I'm Carl Moore ♪

♪ And I'm going to marry a troll ♪

- Hey. - Hello.

Hey, buddy.

- 'Hey, guys.' - How you doing?

- I'm good, man. - Yeah.

I will, uh, take a...

Fine, good. Yeah. You're the winner.

- Hey, this is... - Whoa, whoa, whoa! No, no!

- Because... - 'Cause what?

That's Pabst, sir, that's Pabst Blue Ribbon

and you had a little too much of it.

Now, now, now, you're good. You're good right here, sir.

- I won that? I won that? - No, no, no, no.

You didn't win any damsel. You didn't win any damsel.

- Come on! - Hey, hey! Whoa, whoa, whoa!

- Whoa, whoa, whoa. - I just wanted some turkey.

I am a trained knight.

Can I get your mom's phone number?

I had drunk... I had drinking training. Come on!

- Sir, can I ask you something? - Come on!

Are you here with anybody or are you just

walking around by yourself?

I was... I was dropped off, okay?

Can anybody give me his parents number?

Let me stay in front of the girl that I won.

I was dropped off. I will be picked up.

- It doesn't matter. - By?

- They will pick... Who cares? - By?

By. Bye-bye.

No. You were dropped off by... Was it your mom?

'Your mom's?'

There is a patron...

- To I... - Your mom.

Come on. You know what we got?

You know, we'll take you back to the station.

- Yeah. - We'll make you some coffee.

We'll put in "Star Trek II."

Oh, man! "My name is Khaaaan!"

- Yeah. - Yeah.

You know one thing I noticed?

All these weird honkies walking around with swords

they wouldn't let black fellas do that.

No, they would not.

♪ Oh my Lord Lord Lord Lord ♪

- I'm gonna take the harmony. - Good.

♪ Oh my Lord Lord Lord Lord ♪

Uh, oh, good Lord in heaven

I want to thank you, uh

for giving me a police car that works

with some flashing lights

and a siren that says you...

You sinner.

Stop what you're doin'.

Right?