Original subtitles

'Why don't you just cut the crap?'

You're good at sticking to your story

but we're onto you, alright?

Do you know who's behind that mirror?

You know who's there?

The DEA, the FBI, and they're about to

crawl right up your puckered pooper because we got...

Oh, my God. It totally works.

You can actually drink a soda off your ass.

I told you.

- I wanna get this. - Get it.

Does your camera-phone have a flash?

- No. - Oh, let me get the light.

- Cheese. - Cheese.

Um... sorry.

We've been in here a while.

Sorry to interrupt. Continue.

- So, yeah, you better talk. - Hello, special agent.

Welcome back into the room.

- Come on, man. - She tricked me.

It was a trick.

Pow!

- I got it. - Whoa!

- Whoa! - Oh! Oh!

Alright. Okay. I got him by the belt.

Get back in the building! No loitering!

Aah!

It's real quiet in here without 'em, isn't it?

Mm-hm. It's kinda nice.

- It smells better too. - Smells better.

Does Garcia not always smell like

bean farts and zest?

- Yeah. - Zest soap.

Well, it's old, old-Mexican-man smell.

- Oh, it's so bad. - Mexican man, yeah?

- 'I say good riddance to him.' - You know what I don't miss?

I don't miss that tall black guy.

That's where you and I part ways.

'Do you really forget Jones' name already?'

Well, if I'm, if I'm honest, a sister does miss a brother.

- Ho! - Hello.

Oh, yes!

Ah-ha-ha.

- Read 'em and weep, people. - Oh, my God!

Official qualified mounted police.

I'm wearin' maternity panties, but I didn't come in in those.

- Yeah, you did. - Yeah, you did.

Well, that was yesterday

but today I'm wearing my slacks.

Uh, do you people from the mounted unit

have any other business in here?

'Cause otherwise, the regular deputies--

Yeah, alright. If you need us to ride by where you are...

Oh, I heard they were gonna give you a pony

'cause you're so small.

Oh, that's a good joke, Kimball.

- That's real funny. - Real funny. Yeah.

- Let's, let's leave that... - You don't have to turn on me.

- I'm not the one prancing-- - 'Hey, partner.'

- Let's ride. - Yo!

- Oh! - 'Wow!'

'I didn't think you could get any gayer.'

Have fun making out on the back seat of your horse.

- Oh, I will. - Woo-hoo!

Yee-hah!

- You left your helmet, [bleep]. - Hey.

- Hey, hey. - Your horsey hat!

I'm gonna take it and see if they'll give me a ride.

'Don't go, don't go kissing up to them'

just 'cause they're in mounted now.

- 'Lock the door.' - She is a kiss-up.

She can't fit that butt on a horse.

First time Garcia's been mounted in about 20 years.

Well, mounted unit.

You couldn't pay someone to mount his unit if the...

Hang on, give me a moment.

Butch.

- Sundance. - 'Yeah.'

Whoa! Look at that. Let me try that.

Oh!

There you go.

This is the life, partner.

I ain't going back.

Ahem.

- Oh, man! - You good?

Yeah! Something in the air.

You sure you're good?

I'm okay. I'm fine.

I'm alright, uh...

That's a shame.

Giddy-up, partner. Come on.

- I don't wanna be racist. - Okay.

But, and I know that...

...Africans-Americans

are very proud

stoic, intelligent people.

But there's a reason why black people

don't ride horses, because they have like a jungle scent

that, that animals are afraid of.

I don't see how anybody could take that as... racist.

That's what I told Jones, but he...

Now, he has-hasn't talked to me for four days

and he looked at me like he was gonna punch me in the chest.

Sheriff's de...

Shh!

Sheriff, sheriff's department.

Hey, I saw my P.O. on Tuesday.

Oh, yeah. No, this ain't about that.

- Oh, okay. Good. - 'Yeah.'

Uh, they called and said we were comin'.

We're from the sheriff's department.

We got a court order that one of your paintings is offensive

and we're supposed to take it down.

They said, uh, the offensive one was

pretty obvious, so we'll just, uh...

- Help yourself. - Yeah.

Do you have, like, an offensive section

or like the porn section in a video store?

It's an art gallery, so it's all pretty offensive.

Yeah, it's, it's all pretty offensive to me.

Okay.

That looks like he's got, like, a big red dog [bleep].

- Bingo. - Chocolate tits.

Get a load of this.

It seems...

It seems unpatriotic.

Robot balls.

To me, that looks just like robot balls.

- Robot balls? - Robot balls.

Little, little chocolate robot balls.

'Is it painted with poop?'

I'm gonna smell it.

Maybe you gotta scratch it.

You ain't supposed to touch nothing.

Don't do that.

A little piece came off.

A piece came off. Walk away.

Sir, which one of these offends you the most, you think?

Well, I am tired of looking at that giant [bleep].

- I don't see it. - I don't either.

I don't see it either.

What are we supposed to do with these?

'I don't know, but would you could you help me'

'put his over my couch?'

911 call.

Here at the old brothel.

Sheriff's department!

- Somebody call 911? - Are you alright?

- Yeah. - Are you okay?

- 'Who called 911?' - He did.

Sir, uh, do you--

Oh, God, he's bleeding. He's bleeding.

- She hit me. - Sir.

She, she hit you?

Ma'am, I'm sorry. You're under arrest.

- I hate to do this, but, um... - No, no, no, no.

- I paid for that. - You paid for that?

You paid for her to hit you?

- 'Alright.' - 'She kicked me!'

- Oh, she kicked you! - She kicked you?

- Oh, my God! - Oh, dude.

Ma'am, you are not allowed to kick or beat the...

'I don't care how rowdy they get here'

'you just gotta call the police.'

Shh. I paid for it. I paid for that.

You paid for that too?

Alright. So, you called--

- You called the police... - I can't drive.

I'm too, I'm too drunk. I can't drive.

Uh, uh, you guys gotta give me a ride home.

That's why you called 911?

I need a ride home.

Is it alright, if we leave him cuffed to this chair?

- No! Take him away. - Oh, God!

Senator, we can't keep coming out here and doing this.

- Senator, I voted for you. - Ah!

'Okay. No, no, no.'

- No. No. No. Don't... - Careful, careful.

- No, no, no. - No. No. No.

- No. Careful, Patrick, careful. - Careful.

- This is Deputy Bates. - Deputy Bates.

Patrick, he was a wonderful, uh, member of our force.

Wonderful, one of our great new recruits a couple years back.

Yeah, he had a lot of promise and his very...

Unfortunately, on his very first day on the job

uh, he had a little accident.

- Friendly fire. - Yeah.

Jim shot him in the head, and now...

- He's back! Happy day! - He's back!

Uh, yeah, for legal, uh, reasons

uh, we either had to take him back

or, uh, settle a rather large, uh, settlement.

- So look, where we got you. - We're happy to have him!

Yay! Patrick's back!

Yay!

- Don't get... - Okay...

- Okay. - Don't get all...

Patrick...

No, no, no! We have a special phone.

- A special phone for Patrick. - No. Special phone.

- Emergency phone. - 911!

Deputy Bates. Do you remember?

Remember?

- Yay! - Yay!

Hello?

- Hello. - Hello.

Be very gentle.

No, no! Don't! Stop, stop!

- Do not eat her baby! - Okay.

- Do not eat her baby! - Look who's back.

Who's the most special guy in town?

- It's Patrick. - Oh!

Fingers used to be my hand. Not... No. Ow! Ow!

Your badge is very shiny, and it looks just like mine.

- Isn't that neat? - Look at that.

- Oh-oh! - Oh...

- I don't... - Just, just let him do it.

Just let him do it.

We've all been there.

♪ Ah-ah-ah ah-ah-ah ah ♪

The doctor said I had come down with a rare case

of what he called, uh, equine, uh

olfactosis, uh, which is basically

my nasal passages and horse hide

uh, don't get along.

Unfortunately, it's gonna be back in the old black and white

uh, with Jonsey and I.

I know he's gonna be, uh, sad to leave, but, uh

you know, partners are partners, and, uh

and law is thicker than water, huh, as they say.

Ladies. Yep.

- Ha, ha! Hey. - Hi.

Can we get a picture of your horse?

- Would you mind? - Oh. Hey. Of course.

Couple stallions right here, huh?

Alright.

- Thank you. - 'No problem.'

- 'You are real cute.' - Thank you.

'You go, you go to the university, or...'

- Nope. - Nope?

What are y'all... What is everybody doing later?

- Hey, how are you doing there? - Hey. How you doing, man?

'I'm alright. Hey, ladies.'

I'll get back with y'all, ladies. Alright. What's up?

Well, uh, the doctor says I can't get within 15 feet

of, uh, the horse there.

Can you hold on for a second?

Oh, hey there, Jones. Remember me? Garcia?

- Your partner? Hello? - Hm?

I mean, uh, we are still gonna be partners.

I mean, uh, I mean, I know I can't ride a horse.

So I'm reckoning you're gonna come back

in the Crown Vic with me, I mean, uh

we do have 14 years here, buddy.

Well, 'cause you're, you're...

- Because you're, you know... - Well, yeah.

Because you're incapacitated doesn't mean that I, you know

I, I gotta go back to, you know...

I'm, I'm here, man.

Well, you are here, and you are my partner.

And if you wanna leave me hanging out to dry

that's fine, you don't need me then.

I don't need you either, okay?

And I'll, I'll talk to you later.

Hey, old boy. Garcia.

I, I do need you. Hold on. Come on back.

Yeah?

Say, white girls love horses.

White girls love horses.

Holy [bleep]!

Reno, we got a officer down.

I need medical attention immediately.

- Junior! Junior! - Aah!

- Kimball? - Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

I've been wearing this vest for 7 years.

The bullet went right through it like butter.

- You're gonna be just fine. - No...

Uh, so, uh, looking forward to those, uh, EMTs ASAP, sir.

- I'm real cold. - Oh!

- Things are getting... - Alright.

- Okay. - No, I'm okay.

I'm just gonna rock you like this. Do you like that?

Does that make you feel good?

That feels good.

I think you should just keep talking.

- Yeah? - I don't know you at all.

You know, you're just a nice person

and to me it's almost a shame that you're...

You know.

What?

Seems like you could be a pretty decent piece of ass

if you weren't a lesbian.

That's all I'm saying, not that I'm--

'A' thank you. 'A' thank you.

And 'B' I am not a lesbian.

Just because I have had thoughts

perhaps dreams, does not mean that I have

participated in a sexual manner with another woman.

Hm, well, I guess you ain't a race car driver

unless you get behind the wheel.

That's a good way to look at it.

You know, I'd love...

If I'm gonna go into the next world

to at least not think I'm 100% alone and dying...

You're not alone. You're not alone, Junior.

You're not alone. I'm here with you.

Can I have the taste of a woman on my lips as I go?

- Uh... - I'm a dying man.

You're not gonna die.

Oh, jeez! I, you're...

You're gonna be okay.

- I think you're a lesbian. - I am not a lesbian.

- That's what I think. - Uh, that was very enjoyable.

We take you now live to the Reno Sheriff's Department

where a press conference is already in progress.

♪ Oh oh ♪

♪ Oh oh oh oh ♪

♪ Ha ha ha ha ha ha ♪

♪ Give it to DJ Trudy take it... ♪

What happened?

I threw up a little bit.

'Hey, you're on the air. Yo, you're on the air.'

Oh. Ahem.

- Go. - Hey. Hi.

♪ Ah-ah-ah ah-ah-ah ah ♪

You're my pal. You're my friend.

We got something special.

And nobody

nobody's gonna come between that, huh?

Jones and Logan.

I like how that sounds.

We're gonna have adventures.

- Hey! Come back here! - 'Many, many...'

Officer! Do something!

Ha-ha. Come on! Logan, away!

Aah! Uh!

They tell me that, at the doctor

that I'm not having...

That it's probably just one

that's it's just one baby

but it feels like a litter.

Yeah. I wouldn't be surprised.

Ahem.

I wouldn't be surprised if it was a litter.

I wouldn't be surprised if it was Rosemary's baby.

Would you be surprised if he looked like you at all?

Yeah, a little bit.

♪ Ah-ah-ah ah-ah-ah ah ♪

If I'm gonna die here on this cold pavement

I'd feel a lot better if you just let me maybe

get to third with you.

No, I am not gonna let you get to third with me.

Alright. I was just asking.

What, I don't even understand

I don't even know if I remember what third is.

- Under the bra. - That's what I thought.

- Yeah. - No.

Fine.

Can I have another kiss?

Alright, fine.

You're not supposed to give me the tongue!

You didn't say anything about tongue!

Now, that is not fair!

Again, you were taking advantage of the situation.

Now, that's just shameful.

- She's a lesbian. - I am not a lesbian!

Now, what do I have to do, publicly have sex with a man?

Take out "Publicly."

I mean, if you're gonna give me something to live for

we'll... go to Tahoe... and we bone.

We'll rent one of them rooms and then we'll bone

in the hot tub with the porno on.

What do you think, is that a deal?

Scratch the porno. Just the hot tub. Candles.

I swear on the good book, if I pull through

I will bone Kimball.

I swear on the good book that if you pull through

I will, I will bone...

Travis Junior.

- Alright? - Yeah.

Even though the doctor said, you're pregnant and I took

the test and it said I'm pregnant

and I could feel him kicking

and, um...

...all the things that go along

with being pregnant, even though that

I wasn't 100% positive

until... I started to have some leakage.

From your udders?

They're not, um... Yeah, from... Right.

You're leaking from your udders?

That makes it sound gross, but yeah, I'm having some

colostrum leak from my nipples.

That's the proper way to say it.

Are you okay?

Are you okay, Jim?

Don't say, "Colostrum leaked from my nipples" anymore.

But they're a lot less crusty than I anticipated.

They told me that there would be a...

You've been hearing a lot lately

about people who, quote

"Weren't doing anything"

and got shot by law enforcement.

Sure, people get shot by law enforcement officers on occasion

but not, quote, "Innocent people."

You hear, "Oh, Daryl. He wasn't doing anything.

He was just hanging around the grocery store on PCP

and those crazy cops shot him."

Going to the grocery store on PCP is exactly the kind of

evening that ends with getting shot by law enforcement.

If you and your friends want to not get shot

by law enforcement, here's something

try really not doing anything.

There's a million ways to truly be not doing nothing.

And every single one of them can make your day lead-free.

- Lead-free. - Lead-free.

Lead-free.

Listen, James, I just...

I wanted to, uh... say I'm sorry.

I, I really kind of abandoned you

in your time of need and I just wanted to say I'm sorry.

Well, for a while there, you were acting like the

end of the horse that threw you.

Yeah. You know, I own that.

I understand that, and I, I've been acting like

like the mayor of Jerk town, and I, I wanted to make amends.

Yeah, whatever. High-five.

♪ Ah-ah-ah ah-ah-ah ah ♪

Where are you from anyway, Kimball?

Couldn't place your accent when you came in.

Well, uh... all around

but my family is from Shreveport.

- Louisiana? - Mm-hm.

Yeah, I got family in Lake Charles, my momma's side.

- You do? - Yeah.

Yeah, they do the, uh, that pirate festival

that they do every year in Lake Charles.

Oh, I love the pirate festival!

Captain Morgan comes up and gives out free Captain Morgan.

That's funny, 'cause you remind me

a little bit of my uncle on my mother's side.

Oh, that's nice.

And he does a big to-do with the pirate festival.

Every year he gets all dressed up.

Uncle Jimmy Joe.

Jimmy Joe, Black Beard they call him?

- Mm-hm. - Like at the festival--

Yeah, yeah. Mm-hm. Mm-hm.

Oh, [bleep].

That's my uncle too.

- That's your uncle? - Yeah.

First tail I ever got in the department

is gonna be a [bleep] cousin.

We, we, we tongue kissed.

Yeah, but you swore on the good book

that you were gonna give me a little.

But I, I mean, I, I didn't know--

'You should be seeing those EMTs pulling up right about now.'

'They should really be there pretty soon.'

They're on the scene, sir.

EMTs on the scene. I see them, sir.

Hey, how you doing, boys?

Took you long enough.

Hey, easy there, I don't think you can...

'I don't think you should...'

No, I'm good, I'm okay.

It stings a lot, but I think I'm okay.

You aren't dying at all!

- I thought you were dying! - Well, I mean, I ain't great.

You should probably come with me to the hospital

'cause we probably got the same blood type.

'Come on, cuz. Haul ass! Haul ass!'

'Don't call, I don't like you calling me cousin!'

I'm bringing apples.

You ever play this game?

Then you say, and on this picnic

I'm gonna bring bananas.

Then I choose a "C". "A", "B", "C".

You just pick something

If you'd memorize the list of fruit?

- You just go through it? - No, no, no.

You just pick something you're gonna bring on the picnic.

Apple, bananas, uh... and you're gonna bring...

Coffee machine.

Okay. Alright.