Original subtitles

Yes, donut? More like [bleep] yes, donut.

Five percent discount for law enforcement. Arigato!

Hey, do I know you?

I know you. You're...

You don't go to the rainbow ever, do you?

- Mm-mmm. - No?

You go to any piano bars? No?

No. Do you have a nickname, Cinnamon?

No, no. Not that.

I have some nicknames but not that.

Oh.

Hey. Oh, I got it. I got it.

Uh... Uh, that cruise.

That sort of specialty cruise?

No. I've never been on a cruise.

I've seen you somewhere.

It's, it's nice to meet you again.

Great meeting you and seeing you again.

- I'll see you around. - See ya.

'Alright, let's be cool!'

'You're cool, I don't freak out!'

'Empty the register!'

Wanted poster. Wanted poster

Wanted poster at the post office.

Alright, okay, I got...

Get back in the building! No loitering!

♪ Ah ah ah ah ah ah ♪

- 'Did somebody take my orange?' - 'Yeah, I ate it.'

Trudy.

Uh, you know, I wanted to ask you is

uh, this weekend

I'm havin' a, well, every weekend

basically, I do a, a mixer.

A little social singles mixer.

And I just thought I'd, you know, it'd just be nice

to ask if you wanted to come along this weekend.

- Oh. - 'It's a good time.'

I mean, we get crazy.

- Yes. - Oh, that's great.

- Are you all dating? - Oh, shut up.

I'm just asking. You only asked one person.

That sounds like a date.

I'm only allowed to ask one person.

- And, no, it is not a date. - And you asked a woman.

You asked another woman.

I asked a woman and I'll tell you why.

Because there are a lot of gentlemen there.

I can't go anyway. I'm having a make-out party at my house.

So I guess you guys won't be able to come.

It's gonna be pretty hot.

I rented a couple of lava lamps.

It's gonna be sweet.

Sheriff's department.

Mike, you home?

- Mike? - Brenda?

Mike?

Oh, jeez. Oh

Mike? Oh, my God.

You okay, Mike? Mike? Mike!

Get a paramedic. Get a paramedic.

Mike. Mike.

Mike?

Come on, Mike.

No! No! No!

No! Mike! No. Jeez. Cut it out!

Mike! Mike! Mike! No!

[bleep]

- You alright? - God, that was weird.

I thought he was someone else

in my pass-out, dream head.

Yeah. The tongue part came out

when you thought I was someone else, huh?

I guess so.

Mike, who did you exactly think I was?

I got this super-hot cousin, Carla.

Crystal meth just eats the brain.

- 'Eats the brain.' - It ain't even funny.

'Mike, can I show you a picture?'

Mike, look here. Okay, here's your brain.

- 'Right.' - This is your brain, you see?

That is a giant brain. Look at that.

That is a giant brain.

Hey, everybody, it's Mike's giant brain.

You're missin' the point, Mike.

You're missin' the point. I was gonna...

He's not drawing it to scale.

He's trying to illustrate a percentage.

Galoop! It's all in there.

Thinkin', workin', making a moat, partyin' down.

- Woo! Doin' it up. - 'Kind of whistle.'

'Here's what happens.'

Here's crystal meth, okay?

You know that meth that you cook up sometimes out there?

- 'No.' - It goes like this.

Oh, no. Where's all my thoughts, all my productive thoughts?

- Here's Mike's giant brain. - Okay.

See? And then here

look at this, whoo!

It's crystal meth all in here.

Look at all this area that is untouched.

Nice parking, man. I can't get out.

You alright?

Oh, well, look who's here. It's the police.

We've been gettin' calls...

We've had about three or four calls

that, uh, there was something going on here in the park and...

Neighbors across the street have been complainin'

about some sort of weird behavior.

No. No, not at all.

I'm, I'm, I'm here talking to people about a program I offer.

But certainly there's nothing going on

that would be considered untoward.

Well, I hope you find the person.

And I'd better get going.

Whoa, ho, ho, whoa.

People my age have to stay ambulatory.

Your age, sir?

Sir, if you wouldn't mind

being non-ambulatory for one second.

Could you tell us about your program?

What is your program, sir?

I, uh... It's nothing at all.

I'm processing payments for cryogenics

so no one ever has to die. That's all.

Could I get some identification?

Maybe a permit for your program.

- A little ID. - The license.

I don't, I don't carry identification, you know.

Having lived through the depression

we don't, uh, a lot of people my age

believe in, uh, the, uh, identification

with the failure of the banks which occurred.

Good day, gentlemen.

The depression...

The depression was in 1930, sir.

Yes, that's right.

Yes, very good. 1930s.

The golden age of, uh, Hollywood.

Yeah, I think what's crashed is your mind.

What is it? Say it again now.

You couldn't be that old, sir. You're probably...

'You're tellin' a fib right now.'

Can I be honest with you?

- 'Yes, you can.' - 'Yeah, there you go.'

'There you go.'

I'm not as old as I'm behaving that I am?

Yeah. Thank you for using your voice, your real voice.

You like to do fantasies.

Yeah, uh, shooting.

- 'Hold!' - 'Okay.'

- Here we go. - Here we go.

Oh, jeez, you guys are fast.

Hey, stop it. Oh, what are you doing?

Yeah, why did you go...

This is not an approved

carry of an, of a suspect, is it?

This is humiliating.

Can I just walk?

Can you walk? Can you walk?

Alright.

- I'll be happy to walk. - No! No!

♪ Go tell it go tell it ♪

♪ Yo go tell it on the mountain ♪

♪ Down in a lowly manger ♪

♪ The humble Christ was born ♪

♪ And God sent us salvation ♪

♪ That blessed Christmas morn ♪

♪ Go tell it go tell it ♪

♪ Yo go tell it on the mountain ♪

♪ Go tell it go tell it ♪

♪ Yo go tell it on the mountain word ♪

I love hip-hop.

It's fun, isn't it? God is fun.

'Hey, uh, don't forget.'

'We have Christ cakes and sandwiches'

'and lots of stuff to drink.'

- Knockers. Knockers. - 'Uh-oh.'

Everybody, come here. Come here.

Everybody, I have... This is not an angel.

- Well, I know it looks like it. - I beg to differ.

It's definitely not an angel.

Everybody, I want y'all to meet

'my good friend, Clementine.'

- Some people call her Clemmie. - Clemmie

Now, uh, this is Paul, my good friend.

- That's James. - Hi.

Stetson. I like that.

Is that what that is you're wearing?

- Oh. - Oh.

Head and shoulders.

Oh, yes. Ha-ha. Wow.

I didn't know this was gonna be this kind of a party.

Yeah, well, we're not all square.

I like that. So who's a virgin?

I'm just curious.

'Okay, you can be on her team.'

'You can be on her team.'

♪ On a hill far away ♪

♪ Stood an old rugged cross... ♪

So, anyway, I was a gymnast.

- Oh, yeah. - Oh.

That's hard.

But I was so top-heavy

that it made me, they had to, I was disqualified

before I even got on the mat sometimes.

They wouldn't let you on the mat?

Well, sometimes, 'cause it was like poof

and then paah and then there was, you know.

So I said [bleep] it.

I'll just drop out of high school.

♪ So I'll cherish ♪

♪ The old rugged cross ♪

♪ The old rugged... ♪

Pull my finger. Pull my finger.

Here's the church. Here's the steeple.

Open the doors. See all the people.

And these two guys won't sit down.

Uh, Lord, I wanna thank you especially

for my-my good friend, Clementine

uh, comin' here and, uh, showing up as she is.

A woman, a woman, soiled, a woman

'with a whorish, sinful past.'

Who has just been waxed

thoroughly, as of 4 pm today.

You may all lay your hands upon me.

Would anyone like to lay hands?

'That's different, you must be thinking of a diff--'

Or touch my garment?

Well, Lord, will you please smite

those [bleep] that

mess around with children. I'm sorry.

I personally don't like children myself

but they don't deserve that, okay?

I want you to send a lightning bolt...

out of their [bleep], Lord.

And rapists too.

Lord, set them on fire

with fiery syphilis so that they pee

fire out of their [bleep].

Oh, that felt bad. Sorry.

That was probably very stinky. Um, but I...

That was very good. That was very good.

- Whoo-hoo! - Yeah. Yeah!

I cheated. I cheated.

I cheated. Ohh! Whoo!

Ha-ha. I'm so wasted.

I'm wasted. I'm wasted.

- It's non-alcoholic beer. - There's no alcohol in it.

You mind turnin' the music down?

Can you turn the music dow...

Thank you.

Can I see your license and registration

proof of insurance?

Lady called us up and she just mad as hell

'cause a couple of kids were drag racing.

Just about blew her off the road right down here.

- 'Really? Wow.' - Yeah. Wow.

You wouldn't know anything about that, would you?

'No, I wouldn't, officer.'

I'm just on my way home from Bible study.

- Bible study. - 'Mm-hmm.'

Yeah. Holy [bleep].

You have a computer screen on your steering wheel.

Do you know you have a computer screen on your steering wheel?

You have one, two, five!

- Okay, what's that one do? - 'That one's for my sound.'

'It controls the front, back, side to side.'

'And then I got my mids and my highs'

'separated out into each door here.'

'The mid down here at the base of the door'

'my tweeters are up here by the rear-view window panel.'

You know that your speedometer goes up to 260?

'Yeah. The car can do 200.'

- This is a Toyota, right? - That's right.

Bible study.

Yeah, and choir practice, actually.

Ho! What's that?

That's the NOS system.

What's that?

Nitrous. It brings the--

Oh, nitrous.

Like in that movie. Okay, what's that do?

So you got it hooked up to that big thing.

- That's the turbo system. - Now, that I recognize.

I took out the old turbo system, the stock one

and put in a brand-new T3/T4 system.

A boost controller and an f-con computer system right there.

damn.

Quarter mile. I'll go round this curve.

There's straightaway right there. Come on.

Honey, there's a lot of juice in this car.

You can't handle the juice in this car.

There are a lot of tickets in that trunk

and you can't handle the tickets.

'Gas, clutch, like a regular transmission.'

'Push this red switch when I go and that puts--'

Only when you're in full throttle.

When you're on the full back on the accelerator.

'Alright, alright, alright.'

Wanna go over it with me one more time?

'No, I don't wanna go over it with you one more time.'

- Okay. - 'Alright, ready to go.'

'I'm gonna switch this. I'm gonna turn the stereo off.'

'I'm goin' to start the car.'

'Oh, my God.'

Here's your, uh, insurance.

- Are you okay in there? - 'I-I-I ain't great.'

I'm sorry, I saw that I saw what looked like beer

and my mind just took me to drunk town.

Alright?

I like to have fun.

You call that fun?

I call it as much fun as I'm able to have

in, you know, a roomful of nerds.

Oh, that is not fair.

We have a good time.

I've nothing to apologize for

or be embarrassed about. It's you.

Exposin' yourself.

Gettin' one of the other men to expose himself?

I, I am not...

He can't even, He's not even gonna be able

to show his face again.

Yes, you are.

- I'm not apologizing. - Yes, you are.

You made those two men kiss each other.

I did not make them. I dared them.

- Hello. - Hey, Steve.

Anybody wanna venture a guess?

Guessing game starts now. Go.

It is an appliance?

- No. - 'No.'

Cold. Cold.

Uh, I'm gonna wager a boot.

No. Cold.

Boot was good.

A lot of people do this. They slip.

Is that a shower caddie?

No. No, no.

Was the thing the cause of his death?

No, no, no.

'No!'

- Natural causes, actually. - Natural causes.

Separate incident.

It's one of those ergonomic stadium seats?

- Rollerblade. Rollerblade. - That's warm.

You know what would feel good in your, in that area?

Some kind of rubber hippo.

One of the new, they got the new Sony PlayStation

that's got the vibrating--

Vibrate mode.

Stick it up there. Somebody else plays your man for you.

- Xbox. - Prr.

Xbox in a box.

I was sort of half listening

but the part that was listening says no.

Is it a game?

- Is it as play thing? - I give up. Let's see it.

Let's see it. Let's do it.

Oh!

Yes!

- Who gets dinner? - 'Let's do another one.'

You guys stay here. You guys stay here.

While I go get another body.

I'll go get another body.

Cheresa, will you lead us in some song?

Oh, I guess I can.

I guess I can. Alright, everybody.

Let's lay our burdens down by the riverside.

Huh? What do you think of that?

I know you like it. Uh...

♪ I'm gonna lay down ♪

♪ My burden where? ♪

♪ Down by the riverside yes ♪

♪ Down by the riverside ♪

♪ And I ain't gonna study war no more ♪

The holy terror is here.

Whoo!

I'm late. I'm sorry I'm late.

- Hey. - Aw, man.

It is impossible to find limes this time of year.

- 'They're out of season.' - What is up, gentlemen?

- We're havin' a baptism today. - Oh, yeah.

I thought it was a barbecue.

- I brought tequila. - Very happy to see you.

Yeah, even, even if you are a half an hour late, you know.

It's, it's, the Lord is glad you're here.

You're gonna do that to me?

You're gonna give me the ol' holy dunkin'?

Holy bathing? 'Cause I...

Sure. If that's what you want.

I did it once but I don't think it took 'cause I was high.

I think you're probably right.

Now, why don't you go... There's toilets over there.

Why don't you go throw that on.

Saved. Saved.

I can't believe I'm doing this again.

Dunk it. Dunk it. Dunk it.

'Whoo!'

♪ Kimball and Jesus ♪

Alright.

Whoa! Oh, my gosh.

'Oh, boy.'

- Whoopsie daisy. - That's okay.

I didn't know you had to bring underwear to a baptism.

I'm sorry.

The babies are, the babies are naked

when they get baptised. I think it's alright.

Yeah, babies don't have double-D hooters.

Well, neither do I. They're only 1-D.

See?

I was born naked. I was saved naked.

And I'm gonna die naked.

And then I'll be naked for all eternity.

Uh, so I'm gettin' a pool goin' on Wiegel's baby.

You wanna hear what the categories are?

It's made up completely.

Yeah. That's my money.

Child of the devil.

Raped by a demon and it is a child of literally of the devil.

You gotta figure a demon can get better than Wiegel.

True. His, his dark lordship?

Comin' all the way up from hell.

Why would you stop at Wiegel's place?

Yeah.

Thank you, Matthew.

Alright, let's shake it out.

We're gonna do a little kegeling.

I know some of you know what kegeling is.

For those of you that don't, it's contracting

your vaginal muscles.

And I think you've probably done it and haven't even been aware.

But just flex 'em

to a little "Axel F."

Alright, I want you to feel that music.

I want you to feel it down south.

And kegel. Kegel.

Kegel. Keg it. Nice.

I'm gonna come around and check you out.

Looking good, green bean. Looking good. Looking good.

I wanna see some movement in those pants.

Nice. Nice. Nice. Work up a sweat.

Mm-hmm. You feelin' it?

Take it in, take it in.

Imagine you're picking up change. Here we go.

- 'Hey, guy.' - Yes, Trudy.

'I feel like I'm only doing it in my [bleep].'

Can you check?

Alright.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

- Less buttocks, more cervix. - Okay.

I'm real glad you came

and that you, you did it and all.

And I know you were just being yourself.

You weren't tryin' to ruin my day.

No, I wasn't.

You were just bein' yourself, just bein' Clemmie.

That's all I can do. That's all I can be.

But see, my point is...

Sometimes it's good to not be yourself...

so much.

You know what I mean?

Just not, just not all of yourself.

Just leave a few parts behind.

Leave a little mystery.

- Amen to that, sister. - Alright.

♪ I lay down ♪

♪ I will cling ♪

♪ To the old rugged ♪

♪ Cross ♪

♪ And exchange it ♪

♪ Someday for a ♪

♪ Crown ♪

For a crown!