Original subtitles

What's happening? What's happening?

- Jim, Jim... - What?

Someone, someone tried to kill the sheriff.

I don't think, I don't think he's gonna make it.

Avenge my death.

'Thank you for coming.'

'That's Mrs. Chechekevitch?'

Who the hell's that fella with her?

'Uh, ladies and gentlemen'

I believe we have our number one suspect.

What was your relationship

like with Walter?

- It was great. - Oh, was it?

Was it great? It was, it was great.

- Yeah, it was great. - Yeah, he was a nice guy.

Yeah, he was nice.

He was killed by peanuts.

'Delicious peanuts.'

Come on, she tricked me!

It was a trick!

Pow!

'Whoa!'

]

'Alright, okay. I got him by the belt.'

Get back in the back! No loitering!

Aah!

Alright, look alive, people.

We know that Sheriff Chechekevitch is dead.

What else do we know?

Coroner says definitely poison.

- Wife... - 'Yeah?'

...has a $250,000 policy for her husband.

- She's the beneficiary. - Ooh.

Be it "Seek whom the crime profits." What else do we know?

Uh, we also know that Mrs. Chechekevitch's boyfriend

is in the Armenian mafia.

Uh-huh.

Excellent people. And we know one other thing.

We know that we must avenge his death.

No one interrupted me. That was wonderful.

That was the first time I ever got to say--

You weren't even talking to us. You were just talking to camera.

No, I wasn't talking to camera. I was talking to you.

'I actually thought you were gonna say--'

I opened up to the camera.

Why'd you take your glasses off when you said that?

'Cause it'd look better for the camera.

It felt like you were about

to say something interesting.

No, the sheriff asked us to avenge him--

I knew that.

- 'Can we go?' - Yes, we can go.

There's no reason to be a dick about it

just 'cause I opened up to the camera.

Should we take our glasses off?

It's weird to us

when you talk to the camera.

It's confusing to us 'cause--

'Drama queen!'

Damn it, darn it. Gosh, danner, darn it.

This is outrageous.

A man needs to be free to... this is-I'm

This is my job, so I just don't even know.

I don't actually work here.

I'm volunteering my time.

My time is precious, as yours is, too, I'm sure.

And... I'm just

why would I do something if it wasn't helping people?

So if I'm bringing a little joy to a... to the carnival-goers

then sue me, huh?

So, I have a license for this.

This is... I'm a licensed handler of nature's oddity.

Feel the snake.

The snake, and this is, um, this is what I do

for... to help people, so I don't know

why you're staring at me like that.

Damn! Can't a man work in peace?

People come up and they reach in under the curtain.

This curtain, you got to keep the curtain closed though

so don't even look in there

because the serpent is very sensitive to light.

It's a, it's an albino.

Reach in and if you grasp it

the snake grows rigid in your grasp!

One of a kind! I know that look.

You wanna feel the nature's oddity, but you can't.

It's women, it's really just for women only.

Ow! Ok, see that hurts me when you do that.

Ha ha ha!

Could you hold this just for a second?

Hey, hey! Ho! Hey!

Mrs. Chechekevitch, we do extend our deepest sympathies to you

in this time of grief

and we hope that you are enjoying

the mylar balloons and muffin basket

that we sent to comfort you.

- Yes, it was okay. - Mm-hmm.

How are you getting along in your grief?

We saw you, uh, doing shots at the bowling alley

with a certain dark-skinned, swarthy man.

Walter always said, "Life is for the living."

What's interesting is that in death

you gonna end up having the best time of your life

'cause it turns out your husband

had an insurance policy worth 250 what? Thousand dollars.

Hello. Somethin' stinks, alright?

And it stinks like...

Peroxide and...

Well, that, I just did that last night.

- Sorry. - Okay.

How's everyone's vagina today?

- Feeling good? - Great.

Yeah.

That rubbing you did on them last week was really great.

Let's turn.

Lot of people think sex is wrong. They're ashamed of it.

It's nothing to be ashamed about.

Nothing to be ashamed about at all. It's nature.

It's beautiful.

God created 69.

You know, whales 69?

And people laugh at that, but it's true. They do.

It's in nature. If it's in nature, it's beautiful.

ing.

And don't be afraid of the buttocks.

Do not be afraid of the top of the buttocks.

You feel that? I'm already...

I'm sort of up your anus a little bit.

Just a little bit. That's okay. That's okay.

- Let me ask you a question. - A lot of nerve endings.

You eat the, uh, dark piece of meat off the chicken?

Raineesha, you're embarrassing me. I'm so sorry.

You know what I'm in the middle of right now?

A saucy sandwich, and I like it.

I don't want to go anywhere.

- What's wrong? - Oh, my god.

- I think my water just broke. - Whoa!

- Trudy, did your water break? - Oh, my god.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

- Just breathe, relax. - Oh, wait. Hold on a second.

Someone left a mountain dew here. It wasn't my water.

Let's see what's goin' on.

Calm down. We're here.

This guy come by, trespassin' here on a Sunday.

Yeah, I-I run my own business out of here

but I'm closed on Sundays.

I make that very clear to all my customers.

And he came by here on a Sunday

trying to buy weed, and I said

"I'm-I'm closed on Sundays, man!"

'Ho, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.'

'Can we take a look at your weed in there, sir?'

Hell, no. I told you I'm closed on Sunday!

Then you guys'd be trespassin'.

I ought to citizen's arrest you right now.

You gotta go arrest this guy for trespassin'.

- Well, where is he? - I'll fire you! You're fired!

- Whoa. - You're fired!

Keep your voice down, sir.

I will not. Freedom of speech! First amendment!

You can yell as loud as you want!

- Sir, I-- - What are you doin'?

You're, you can come with us peacefully.

You can come with me peacefully.

The hard way or the easy way, sir?

I'm gonna arrest you and put you in my bathroom!

- Just hold a second. - How 'bout that?

I can see the marijuana from here, sir. I can smell it.

That's not even my good stuff. That's the ditch weed.

I keep the good stuff in back with the cocaine.

Rape! You're tryin' to rape me!

My name is Scott Greenberg.

I am the district attorney

and I've been asked to say a few words

for one of our finest

Walter Chenekevitz.

Chekene... Chekenevits.

Okay, Chek... Chekenevitz.

Chenukevitz? Che...

The sheriff. I'd like to send my

condolences out to, uh

the sheriff's lovely wife, Mrs. Chekenevitz

'and her, her boyfriend.'

one was to raise a man from the dead.

That man was named Lazarus.

And now, from Police Tek 2000

there's a bicycle lock that bears his name

and, yes, it is a miracle of bicycle safety.

Let me show you, but not

with these professional bolt cutters.

Here's a shotgun, but wait.

You're not gonna shoot it at that bike lock, are you?

You'll break it.

Yes. A European bike lock would

but this is the Police Tek 2000 Lazarus

'made right here in North America.'

Just watch.

Wow, it looks as good as if it had just come out

of the original packaging.

Try this yourself, if you don't believe me.

But that's not all.

Here. Hand me that lock, deputy.

Aah! God!

That jolt and that burning smell tell you

that Lazarus' self-contained tasing system is working.

So next time, make your bike lock

the only one powerful enough to carry the name

of the man that Jesus rose from the dead. Lazarus.

Your bike will think it's heavenly.

What can I say

about Walter Chemekevitz.

He did say

there are 16 points

that you should follow to be a good district attorney.

Number one, hygiene.

Hygiene was very important to Walter Chenokevitz.

Brush your teeth, wash, trim.

Number eight.

Always use oil paint in a bathroom.

'Now, I had made the mistake'

'of asking, uh, Leo's...'

'Walter's...'

You were always someone that I held in the highest regard

and had a great deal of respect for.

Why, thank you, sheriff.

Oh, what was your first name again?

- Jim. - Jim. Yeah, Jim. Jim.

Oh, God, wait. Wait.

There was something really important

I was meaning to ask you.

Who killed you?

I really don't know.

Oh, that would've been so good if you knew.

Is this the first sign

that I'm gonna be haunted by you for years?

- Perhaps. - Perhaps.

If we could get some sort of Scrooge and Marley

relationship going on that's like sort of date-specific.

'Cause I just don't wanna generally...

Never, you know, go to bed every night not knowing

"Oh, is the sheriff walking the earth?"

I'll, I'll get back to you on that because I...

I need to get my calendar in order.

I think you understand that.

Okay, now you're mad.

'Now, number ten is a tricky one'

'because it's kind of a 10-A, kind of 10-B thing.'

So I'll start with 10-A.

Now, 10-A is

"Never let your hair get below shoulder length."

- Hi! - How are you?

I'm okay. How are you?

Beautiful day, isn't it?

It is. Hey, have you seen my mom?

- You mean today? - Yeah.

Just sort of hovering about or whatever?

She's actually... I don't know that she's up there necessarily.

Well, I-I-I would

we're, we're-we're all

up there in a way.

Well, in other words, no, you haven't seen her

'cause she's in hell. Don't worry. You don't have to.

- I-I-I may see her soon. - You're not gonna see her.

You're not gonna see her.

'I notice you're great with child.'

I am great with child.

This is my thing about childhood

about raising a child.

Someday when my kid grows up

and learns to resent me and hate me

I can go, "You know what..."

My eyes filled with tears

and I have cold cream all over my face probably

and I'm in my nightgown 'cause he...

I was waiting up all night for him to come home.

- You're in your nightie. - He didn't come home.

He took my [bleep] car, and I'm waiting

and he doesn't come home, and he finally comes home

and there I am in a chair in a dark corner

with a cigarette and a bourbon.

- And I go-- - Bourbon on the rocks?

"You know what? I did the best I could."

Now, that's sayin' a lot.

Yeah. I can't wait. I'm so excited.

'And I'm like, "Ha-ha. What is that?'

Is that a jet pack?"

And he said, "No, it's a rocket belt."

'So I'm out with Walter'

and we're at the park, and we're gonna test the jet pack...

Sorry, rocket belt.

And, uh, the thing goes off.

'You know, I have to light it.'

'He's... you know, it's made of... it's butane?'

♪ She's my cherry pie ♪

♪ Cold till you warm it such a sweet surprise ♪

♪ Tastes so good ♪

♪ Make a grown man cry ♪

♪ Sweet cherry pie oh yeah ♪

♪ She's my cherry pie ♪

♪ Smile on your face ♪

♪ Ten miles wide ♪

♪ Looks so good ♪

♪ Bring a tear to your eye ♪

♪ Sweet cherry pie-yi-i-i ♪

♪ Ah-ah-i ♪

♪ Oh swing it ♪

Now, a reading

of "The Road Less Traveled" by Robert Fropps.

May I please ask Deputy Travis Jr. to come on up?

I got a boner.

'What do you mean?'

- 'You have a boner?' - Yeah.

- 'Like a boner boner?' - Yeah.

- 'Right now?' - Right now.

'From the speech?'

What speech?

- 'You actually got a boner?' - Yeah.

Somebody else read the poem. I've got a boner.

'No, you, you practiced.'

'Here we go. Thank you.'

- Oh, hey, Garcia. - Yeah.

I meant to tell you, uh

in the sheriff's, uh, will

he had some requests.

And he specifically requested, uh

who his pallbearers would be.

Okay, great.

And he requested that you not be one.

Um, but he had a very, very good reason for that.

It was that he hated Mexicans.

Sorry about that. There was some wording in the will.

He said specifically, he said

"If there's Mexicans there..."

It wasn't as offensive on paper.

- It didn't look that offensive. - Yeah.

He just thought that Mexicans

might steal from his dead body

if they were allowed to be close to it, so...

- Yeah. - Don't take it the wrong way.

- You seem upset. - No, I'm okay.

It's okay. You're part of the...

You're part of the ceremony, too.

You're just not allowed to touch the coffin.

He just didn't want Mexicans touching the coffin--

- That's ok, Jim. - Unless they were washing it.

He was very specific in what his notes were.

- Yeah, that's okay. - You alright?

- I'm alright. - You want a hug?

You sure?

'Six, seven and eight.'

And right.

And... feet.

On your mark, lift.

Is your side slippery?

It's very slippery. Very slippery.

Oh!

From the top?

Oh, [bleep].

Ready? From the top?

- Yeah. - Yeah.

It might do it.

Company! Pre... Present!

Okay, huddle up. Huddle up.

It's really, really [bleep].

Somebody greased it or something.

- It's greasy, and it's hot. - Yeah.

I don't know if it's bacon grease or what the hell it is.

'Uh, can we just leave it?'

Lift!

That way. That way. That way.

Try to lose the thing!

Shh!

- Hurry up. - Help, help, help, help.

- It's on Jones. - Ow!

- It's on him. - Aah!

- Sh. Climb out. - Aah! Aah!

It's okay. It's okay. Just push it.

- Oh. - That's good.

I'll just stay here.

'At ease!'

Sheriff Chechekevitch was a born leader.

He was a hero.

He was not afraid to take the wheel

even if he was way too to drive.

And he was in the passenger seat.

He did it on many occasions.

He would grab the wheel like a maniac

and you would have to slap at him to get him to let go.

- He used to do a lot of drugs. - Lot of drugs.

- Fellas. - Hey.

Hi.

New evidence.

This is actually a surveillance footage

from the sheriff's department.

It's, uh, worth takin' a look at.

Pretty interesting.

'That's our nut parade machine, right?'

'The one right in the break room.'

'The one with the picture of all the peanuts on every bar.'

'Wasn't he deathly allergic to peanuts?'

- New theory... - Yeah?

Sheriff Chechekevitch is just a [bleep] idiot. Was.

We kind of knew that.

I'm not, uh, sure how you avenge...

Sort of changes...

Yeah, yeah.

You know, nut parade bar commercials

just talks about nothin' but peanuts.

- Parade of peanuts. - Parade of peanuts.

Like peanuts had a parade in your mouth.

"Every bar is the 4th of July."

Yeah. Peanuts had a parade.

♪ If peanuts had a parade in your mouth ♪

♪ It would be a nut parade ♪

♪ If peanuts had a parade in your mouth ♪

We know how the commercial goes.

"Parade in your mouth."

Yeah, that'd be fun.

Just for a second, forget that we're officers of the law.

- We're just buddies in a room. - We're homies, which we are.

- We are. - Are you, are you stoned?

Are you stoned right now?

- On pot? - Yeah.

Oh, yeah.

It's the medical marijuana

that I bought from an AIDS guy.

'You bought it from an AIDS guy?'

'This is Nevada, not Willy Wonkaville.

Is that enough C-4 to do it?

- It's all we got. - Okay.

That's it.

Everybody ready?

For Sheriff Chechekevitch.

- Good job. - Nice.

- Really, really well done. - Rest in peace, Walter.

Get off!

Damn it!

- Oh, it's in my ear! - Get out! Get out! Get out!

It's out, it's out, it's out! Whoo!

"and sorry I could not travel both

"and be one traveler, long I stood

"and looked down one as far as I could

"to where it bent in the undergrowth

'"I shall be telling this with a sigh'

'"somewhere ages and ages hence'

'"two roads diverged'

'"in a yellow wood, and I...'

I took the one less traveled by..."