Original subtitles

Just, uh...

...locking up my brand new Smith & Wesson

police tactical bike.

Here in broad daylight.

I'm sure it's safe.

And... taser.

Nice. From the spy store.

Hello.

Take the bai-- Ah!

Stop!

That mirror was $80.

'Come on. She tricked me.'

It was a trick.

Whoa!

- Whoa. Oh, oh... - Ahh.

Alright. Okay. I got another...

Get back in the building! No loitering!

What's happening?

What's happening? What's happening?!

'What?'

Someone tried to kill the sheriff.

I don't think he's... I don't think he's gonna make it.

Sheriff Chechekevitch. Sheriff Chechekevitch.

- Talk to me. - Avenge my death.

No, no. Hang in there.

Hang in there.

He said, "Avenge my death."

You know Walter.

Sheriff!

No!

'Here's to...'

the finest Polish Sheriff

this city has ever known.

Salud.

I didn't mean to qualify that

except he was a pretty weird...

- Oh, we've had better sheriffs. - Yeah.

Yeah, we've had much better sheriffs.

But he was-- For-for a Pole...

'Not bad for a Pollock.'

'What are we gonna do?'

'The culprit... is undoubtedly in this room.'

'Everybody just act casual...'

...and we will let the murderer...

...reveal himself...

...to us.

Is this... What...

Why are we all from the J.C. Penney's catalogue now?

- You said act natural. - No. Act [bleep] normal!

'There's his wife.'

Thank you for coming.

'That's Mrs. Chechekevitch?'

Well, who the hell's that fella with her?

- 'She is gorgeous.' - 'I think he's the driver.'

Hand on the hip? Is that what a driver does?

Uh, ladies and gentlemen, I believe we have

our number one suspect.

here he comes. Here he comes. Shh, shh. Quiet.

- Here he comes. Here he comes. - Shh, shh, shh, shh.

Act natural.

Oh, hello. Sad day, no?

Sad day, yes.

You're, uh, Mrs. Chechekevitch's, uh...

Yes.

'Okay, here's what I'm gonna do.'

I'm gonna go get some prints off of the grieving widow

and off of the companion.

'He's doin' pretty good.'

He got the glass. He got it! He got it!

He got it!

- Okay. - Yes!

Okay. Now, you know what we're gonna do?

We're gonna put a tail on that woman.

Like a bunny, or a cat or...

What are you thinkin'?

- Follow her! - I'm a little drunk.

I apologize.

- Sheriff's Department. - Sheriff's department.

We got a 9-1-1 call.

- Anyone need help? - Hello.

- Someone in distress? - Anyone call?

- 'In here. Thunder room.' - You call? Up here.

Up here.

Thank you. Listen...

'Hello. You called?'

I...

I sat in here in my jousting armor

which is designed for sitting.

I cannot... I-I can't stand and my, uh--

- So you're trapped. - Lance is wedged.

- You're stuck in the toilet. - I am trapped.

If we could get the, um...

Actually, actually, actually actually...

I-I cannot let a, um, female take my primary jousting weapon.

So what the do you want us to do?

You need to call a male officer.

- That's not gonna happen, sir. - A male officer!

Could somebody with a penis please appear

so we can get this lance out of this toilet?

- Okay, that's-- You know... - This knight.

Sir, we are trying to assist you!

- Why don't you turn your-- - Yes, but that was--

That was mean-spirited mirth right there.

Oh, my God! Light a torch over there!

Viggo, please, I don't want you seeing this.

- Viggo! - Viggo, you shouldn't see this.

'Viggo, I don't want you seeing this. Yes.'

Okay, my pants are down. My pants are down!

Alright. Well, I'll help you...

Could I, could you reach back and give me

a courtesy flush, please?

I want you to grab onto my shoulders.

- On the count of-- - Look what somebody gave me.

Isn't that nice?

- What the hell? - One...

- What am I supposed to do? - Two...

- Three! - Oh, sweet [bleep].

- Oh! Oh! Oh! - this.

Why don't we tie you to your burro

and then have him to hyah?

Yeah, that's a-- Well, no, I don't know.

He doesn't look too aggressive.

- You want to try it again? - Okay, I'm sorry.

I'm, I'm sort of...

I-If you could just give me a second here.

You wanna-- You actually wanna poo, I think. Right?

Well, it's happening whether I want to or not.

- We're gonna let... - Thank you.

So, folks, it's gonna be a little while.

- It's gonna be a minute. - 'I need sterile wipes!'

'Whoever made the mutton stew, you're fired!'

Okay, it is 2300 hours.

'We have put a tail'

'on the Black Widow herself.'

- 'Madam Ex-wife.' - 'She left the wake.'

'She did a little grief shopping.'

'Grief shopping? She did some grief tanning.'

'Had a quick grief workout'

'and I think she got grief botox...'

- 'I think she did. - She stopped by, uh...

- 'It was... Botox place.' - 'Uh-oh. Uh-oh.'

'Oh, hello. Hello.'

- 'This is the eager--' - 'Did she kiss him?'

- 'Or just hug him?' - 'This is the Armenian.'

- Either cousin or... - Boy...

Grieving friend.

'Wish we could hear what they're saying.'

'She looks upset.'

'I think he's-- Okay, that was just a friend.'

That was a friend touch. Here, look.

I'll do it to you. See?

I was just showing you it was a friend touch.

It will be a long stakeout

if you're gonna be doin' friend touches.

- Huh? - I-I...

I can do stakeout without friend touches. Thank you.

Those are some real Jewy-lookin' sideburns

'wouldn't you say?'

'I think he's got a stiffy.'

'Okay.'

'Well, I feel horrible, but'

obviously this is just

some sort of platonic Jew friend.

- I don't think she did it. - PJF?

P-J-F.

Holy [bleep].

- 'Oh, my [bleep] God!' - 'Uh...'

'Do you wear the dominatrix SS outfit'

'for your platonic Jew friends?'

- 'Not really. [bleep]' - 'You'll recommend it.'

Hey, where's that camera from, huh?

Is that the sheriff's camera?

No. Uh... we have a camera?

Yeah, we do, but it's really, really old.

- That one's way better. - Yeah.

'So she's seeing somebody on the side, which means'

she's gotta rub out Chechekevitch.

- To collect on the insurance. - Rub out? No, okay...

- You mean, yeah, kill him. - Yeah. Not rub out.

- Not rub one out. - That's why she did it.

- [bleep]. - Uh...

No, no, no. It's not what it looks like.

It's not what it looks like!

Well, it is what it looks like.

- It was-- Hey, no! - It was my fault.

- . - Don't do that!

Please don't do that! No, no, no. No, no!

How do you say please in Armenian?

- Please, sir. - Please don't do that.

- Please don't do that! - [bleep] [bleep].

No, no, no, no, no! .

No, no, no!

- No! No! No! - No!

'Alright, everybody, settle down.'

Um, your safety means so much to me.

You guys are my kids, you know?

Can't have any of my own, so...

Um, when I was a kid

we had a new crossing guard named Lester.

Real nice guy, right? Yeah.

Sure. Yeah, he looked good, right?

Wearin' a badge, slicked hair.

This is a lesson in not trusting just anybody.

Lester came to work every day

'with a big bucket of candy.'

I was real fat, and I loved candy

and I'd do anything for it.

Okay? And Lester knew it.

Hello?

Uh, whoo-hoo?

Over here.

Oh, she-- I, oh, um...

- Hi. Hi. Hi! - Oh.

- Hi. - Hi.

I was just telling the kids a story.

I'm-I'm not...

...not real sure what you're doin' down there.

- But uh-- - Oh, I just wandered in.

Where's the bathroom?

- Hey, Stevie. - Fellas.

- 'How's it goin'?' - 'Good morning, Stevie.'

Well, good for me, but...

Not so good Sheriff Chechekevitch.

- I'm sorry, I need a moment. - No, it's alright.

It's alright. Just work it out.

'Take your time.'

So, what is it? Is it, uh...

He was definitely murdered...

'...by poison.'

Poisoned. Hello. Hello!

'Okay, so, we're thinkin' poison.'

Um...

Definitely poisoning, uh, from...

How do you say?

- Oral? Mouth? - Through the mouth.

- Mouthal area. - Poison in the mouth.

- So somebody... - Slips something to...

Somebody who wanted this man dead

slipped something... into him.

Now, is it possible somebody tried to roofie him

and they just, uh, kinda--

- Over-roofied? - Got a little, uh...

- Super roofied? - Yeah.

- No, not a roofie. - Not a roofie.

'It's not rohypnol.'

Alright, so he wasn't roofied.

Some kind of mouthal poisoning.

- Yeah. - Mouthal.

- Mouthal poisoning. - Can you do--

Can you test to see, like, what it is?

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, I could do that.

Should I?

- Yeah. - Oh.

- That'd be awesome. - That'd be great. That really--

I mean, it'd save us a lot of guessin'.

- Yeah. - You know.

♪ I left them all and skipped town with... ♪

Stay in school.

♪ Who's with me? He's awesome ♪

♪ Oh, yeah... God ♪

- Hey, whoo! Whoo! - Howdy, minstrel.

- Oh, hello, officers. - Hey.

Well, sir, we got a report that there's been some, uh

some drug selling goin' on

with the students here in this immediate area.

- Whereabouts? - Well, right in this area.

Right around the perimeter of the school.

Well, I can assure you that within the range of my voice

all I've been sharing is the power of the Lord

and that's all I've seen from the kids.

You know, the youth are coming out and...

Hey, I want to shake your hand.

Oh, hello. Thank you very much.

Pastor Dave. Pastor Dave.

Pastor Dave, I'm Deputy Kimball.

- Hello. You got funky on me. - Alright.

From the First United Church of our Lord

right around the bend there.

So I'm just singing, and...

...if the youth won't come to church

just bring the church to the youth.

- Hey, good for you. - Amen.

♪ D stands for do you hear His voice? ♪

♪ R stands for are you listenin'? ♪

♪ U stands for understand that ♪

♪ G stands for God ♪

♪ What does that spell? ♪

So, uh, that's-- You know...

Just rockin' it out for the Lord.

♪ God made rainbows God made ♪

- And I like it. - I like rainbows.

♪ God made trees ♪ ♪ I like trees ♪ ♪ God made trees ♪ ♪ I like trees ♪

♪ God made mushrooms ♪ ♪ I like mushrooms ♪

♪ Do you like mushrooms? ♪ ♪ I like mushrooms ♪ ♪ Do you like mushrooms? ♪ ♪ I like mushrooms ♪

♪ Let's get some mushrooms ♪

♪ Oh oh yeah let's get high on God ♪

Ha-ha. You know what? I would love t--

I want to give you some money.

- What? Hello. - Do you put it here in the...

- No. That's bribe money. - We insist.

God is not about money.

- God is about... - We insist.

I just thought I'd give you a little donation.

You know, officers, I appreciate that

but I know how much you all get paid.

We probably should circle the area again

just to see if we can see anything.

But would you just send us out on somethin'?

'Cause you just really have made my day.

- Yeah. - Uh...

I got one.

Kids always like to

ask me "How can I get in touch with God?

How can I put God inside of me?" I think there's a couple ways.

♪ You gotta smoke snort ♪

♪ Inject or swallow ♪

♪ Get in touch with God today ♪

♪ Smoke snort inject or swallow ♪

♪ Did you forget? Let's count the ways ♪

And then it repeats, uh, right after that.

- Hey! Hey! - You can't snort the Lord!

Listen, you two-bit floozie, we know you did it!

We know you [bleep] killed Walter!

We know when you did it

why you did it, where you did it

and how you did it, you little [bleep] tramp!

So sign the [bleep] confession!

'Hey, I thought I'd try.'

It worked on Barney Miller when they used to do it.

Great, now I'm losing my voice.

I know, well, the doctor has me on half my meds.

Anyway, what was your relationship like with Walter?

It was great.

Oh, was it? Was it great?

- It was great? - Yeah, it was great.

- Yeah, he was a nice guy. - Yeah, he was nice.

I believe I'm owed an apology.

For what?

For your nasty lesbian behavior.

I can't apologize for that.

It was college, it was the seventies

and everybody was doing it.

Listen, what is with this Armenian boyfriend of yours?

Oh, hey! Hey, Joe!

How you doin'? Uh... uh... hey.

- Taking notes. Taking notes. - Travis?

- Uh... lesbian... - Travis?

Got it.

We got a little, uh, pool

goin', uh, down in the gentlemen's locker room

as to what Wiegel's havin'.

- Where's your money? - Cyst.

Rottweiler.

I'm scared, I'm scared because I-I'm at that sperm bank

at least... twice a day.

Like a cement mixer.

Just kinda keeps pourin' down the old chute.

'Why Lamaze, you ask?'

Well, why not Lamaze, I ask?

It's what I do. I can't help it.

I love women. I love babies.

'So, welcome.'

'Uh, this is our little safe place.'

'This is our womb, our dojo.'

'No one is allowed in.'

'Except, of course, the cameraman today.'

I'm more than just a Lamaze teacher.

Uh, I teach about child care as well.

And, uh, it's interesting

but not a lot of people have experience holding babies.

So, I'd like to go through the...

'Who's my favorite girl? Get up here.'

- 'Get up here.' - Let me help you.

Alright, and you're gonna mind his-his little fontanel.

Alright.

You got him right there. There you go.

- I got him. Oh, my God! - And we--

- Whoops. - Ahh! Ahh!

'Oh, my God. Oh, my God.'

You want to get the body, too.

- Ahh! Oh! - Alright.

These are expensive models and, uh... don't worry about it.

- It's... - Oh, my...

Hey, Stevie.

- Hi, Stevie. - Hey, fellas.

- How you doin' now? - How you doin'?

Good.

So, what do we got?

He was killed by peanuts.

'Delicious peanuts.'

I mean, they weren't delicious for him.

Well, they might have been, but they killed him.

They... He's deathly allergic to them.

Someone must have known he was allergic to peanuts.

We find out who knew for a fact.

And here's what we... Here's how we do it.

So, I heard, uh, Sheriff Chechekevitch

was allergic to cats.

"That's funny, he was allergic to peanuts"

says suspect number one.

I'm lost. What are you doin'?

I'm doin', uh, I'm doin' a hypothetical interrogation.

- Were you with me, Stevie? - Yeah. You did a little scene.

- 'Oh, alright. Alright.' - 'Here, I'll play...'

'Here's how we're gonna break this one down.'

Okay, Stevie, you're suspect number one.

Mm-hmm.

So, I hear, uh, Sheriff Chechekevitch

was allergic to lamb's wool.

Oh, I thought he was allergic to cats.

- And, uh... - You're not helping.

- ...peanuts. - Peanuts!

See? And then that makes him the suspect.

That's how we're gonna do it. That's how we'll run it down.

The one who knows, is the one who knows.

And he who smelt it, dealt it.

♪ Doo-pa-doo-pa-doo-pa-doo ♪

Today's question, do you know the legal age of sexual consent?

Here in Nevada... it's 16!

♪ Boop-boop-boop-boop ♪

♪ Don't hesitate to ask your partner ♪

♪ Or p-p-p-p-partners ♪

♪ For a government issued ID ♪

♪ If possible make a photocopy ♪

♪ For your records ♪

♪ Busting this move could keep you ♪

♪ From catching a ride in my wheels ♪

'From the department--'

- Sheriff's department. - 'Of weights and measures.'

Sheriff's department. Hi.

'I'm from the Department of Weights and Measures.'

And I'm off of a... I-I'm filing a complaint.

- What seems to be the problem? - It said "Two for one!"

Did you not give him two for one.

- He got his two for one. - I got a two for one. Sure.

But they said it was half an hour. I paid for half an hour.

I came in seven minutes, and then they escorted me out.

And I am from the Department of Weights and Measures!

And we follow these things!

I don't know if I necessarily bel-- Okay.

Department of Weights and Measures!

- You know, I think... - Classic.

Yeah.

We're lookin' at acid.

Don't do it.

- Weights and measures! - Hold on!

- Hold on! Hold on! Hold on! - Okay. Sir?

- No, you don't. No, you don't. - Let's have a check...

Alright, let's go down to the station

and get you some orange juice.

Come on.

- I broke it. I'm sorry. - That's alright.

I'm sorry I broke it.

It's okay. Alright.

Alright, come on.

Alright, now, am I gonna have to charge you?

Let's... That's right.

Alright, come on.

Friendship.

- I'm sorry I broke it. - Okay.

'Fine. Let's not have a sit down--'

- Oh, God, another tree. - No.

It's so big.

Ow! Ow! Ow!

Just for a second, forget that we're officers of the law.

- We're just buddies in a room. - We're just your homies.

Which we are. We are.

Now, are you... Are you stoned?

'Are you stoned right now?'

- On pot? - 'Yeah.'

Oh, yeah.

- It's the medical marijuana. - Yeah.

- I bought from an AIDS guy. - Yeah, this isn't...

Aah!

- Why not? Why not? - 'Cause I... You know.

I got a call and response one for you. How 'bout that?

What I say, you say right back to me.

- Oh, that's called-- - Sure.

Let's do it. Let's do it.

♪ Well God is love ♪ ♪ God is love ♪

♪ God is happiness ♪

♪ God is ecstasy ♪

♪ Ecstasy ♪

♪ I want some ecstasy ♪

♪ Let's get rollin' with the Lord God ♪

Yeah!