Original subtitles

Look alive, people!

For the next 24 hours, we will be entrusted

with the most dangerous criminal mastermind

the Sierras has ever known.

In 24 hours time we will hand him over

to the Federal Bureau of Investigations.

Until that time, we must be vigilant.

Watch your back.

Watch your partner's back.

This man is a genius.

He will get inside your head

and he will find a way to escape.

What are we gonna do?

- Wash your back! - Be vigilant, sir!

Okay, w-well, okay, well, here's what I was gonna say.

- 'Give me an A!' - 'No. Stop it.'

'It's... And watch.'

- Not wash. - 'No one's washing anyone.'

Battle stations!

You guys!

'Move him out! Move him out! Move him out! Go!'

Wiegel, you're with child!

Oh, my gosh, you look, you're radiant!

- 'Thank you.' - 'Don't engage him.'

- 'Don't engage him.' - Those glasses are so you.

- Do not engage him. - Thank you. Thank... Oh.

Don't say thank you. Do not engage him.

I want you to know that on my part, there's no hard feelings.

'Come on... It was a trick.'

Aah!

- I got it... - Oh!

- Whoa! - Oh! Oh!

Alright. Okay. I got him by the belt.

Get back in the building! No loitering!

Oh!

Good morning. We are from the Department of Homeland Security.

My name is Captain Dwayne Hernandez.

Focus, people. This is about fighting the terrorists.

This is the face of freedom! This is the face of freedom!

We were robbed over the weekend. Uh...

They got away with, uh, $300,000's worth of evidence

from the evidence room, and most of the phones and computers.

That person, uh, who called himself Dwayne Hernandez

is apparently, uh, "Spanish Mike" Alverez.

I-I'm just worried that

you know, you're gonna get in with Spanish Mike

and he's gonna talk you out of your panties

in about 30 seconds flat.

Jim, in fairness, it's not that hard to talk me

out of my panties no matter who you are.

True.

'Lieutenant Wagler, report to the front office.'

'Lieutenant Wagler, to the front office, please.'

Good afternoon, Detective Wiegel.

I have hay fever. My-my vocal cords get affected.

- Are you okay? - Yes.

- Oh, it's good to see you. - You too.

- Look at you. - Uh, here I am.

Wow!

I'm not supposed to, um, actually engage you in any...

- I understand, I understand. - Sort of conversation, so...

- I understand. - Hello. Nice to see you, and...

May I show you something?

You tell me if you like it.

Ohh! It's beautiful!

- Like-like you are. - Thank you.

You know, Wiegel, I never

I never told anyone this, but...

...I never knew the taste of my mother's breast.

Oh, no.

- And look where I am now. - Oh!

I was fed by the, the village wet nurse.

Her name was Marta, but everyone called her Sarsaparilla.

She had areolas the size of half dollars.

And I bonded with her instead of my mama.

Oh, God, that's heartbreaking.

I would like another chance.

I know.

All I need is for you to slip the key

through this little opening here.

That's all I need.

Wiegel, help me!

Jim-Jim said no talking

don't engage him, don't even look at him

but he didn't say anything about holding hands.

So... quickly.

'Thank you.'

Can you hold something else?

Sure.

Oh, no. No, no, no, no, no. Definitely not.

Sheriff's Department!

Did someone call the Sheriff's Department?

Hello, hello. Anybody here dial 911?

Sir, are you the Boozehammer of Galen?

I-I am Boozehammer of Galen.

What is the nature of your emergency, sir?

There's a massive anachronism going, uh, on down.

- Uh, we have a gentleman... - There's a what?

Using a, uh, uh, cold iron Sparta, which is a circa 1195.

Uh, I believe the cutoff year here is 1095.

And you called the Sheriff's Department

because of the... For this... Because of this?

'Well, yes. It's upsetting people.'

It's upsetting my-my, uh

mount, Viggo, and I, you know, don't want to--

'Out of date of your little make-me-up play.'

- How'd you call us? - I used a scrying device.

Um, from...

What is a scrying device, sir?

'Sorry.'

Are you okay?

My, uh, scrying device is on vibrate.

- I must've been getting a, uh-- - He's using a cell phone!

You used a cellular telephone.

I-I refer to it as a scrying device, that I use--

'Why? Why?'

Be-because we are in the year 1095.

Now you're pissin' me off, tubby!

- I... No. This is-- - 'Okay, I got a question--

This is my winter fat that I have not had enough jousting

to work off my winter fat.

'It's August.'

The cotton candy ain't helpin', either, bro.

This is, this is spun sugar. They-they had this in 1095.

Viggo? You know what? Viggo and I are leaving.

'No, you're not. You're coming with us now.'

- 'You and Viggo are coming--' - No. Viggo.

- Have you stapled in? - No--

'No, let's get some pretzel bread.'

Would you just say pretzel?

- It's not pretzel bread. - It's not pretzel bread.

It's a [bleep] pretzel.

You're gonna get an angry couplet. Are you ready?

- Go. Fire away. - Yes.

'In mirrored pools which cover your eyes'

'and frightening is the fur on your skinny thighs.'

- And I think I've put-- - Get down...

- Get down off that burro! - Viggo. Viggo. Viggo!

- Mom, mom! - Off the donkey.

- Listen-- - Your mom can't help you now.

I'm being taken to the future

but I'll, I will return with, I'll return with medicine!

- 'No, he won't.' - I will bring medicine!

He'll return in a DeLorean with Doc Brown.

- How about that? - Oh, th-that's really funny.

You should be in the jester booth.

Thank you, everybody. Uh...

My name is, uh, Deputy Kimball, and I...

Alright, everybody, settle down now.

Hey! On the count of three, I want quiet!

One, two, three.

Everybody just settle down! Now, I'm-I'm serious.

Now, if y'all don't...

If y'all don't want detention... If you know what's good...

Now, you, especially, I want you to be quiet right now!

Now, stop it!

Everybody shut up!

Well, alright.

My name is Deputy Kimball, and it's very good to meet you all.

How are you all doin' today?

I think it's time for us to move on to sex and intercourse.

I agree, which makes it consensual

so there's no problem

although you do look a little young to me.

Freeze!

Never have sex with anyone

until you see a government issued ID

with their birth date on it.

Anyone you're having sex with

should be born before today's date in...

'1990.'

Do the math.

Or get yourself some Sheriff's Department

bling-bling.

- Uh-oh! Uh-oh! - Here's one! Here's one!

Oh! Oh! Stop!

- Stop! - Nice!

- Nice one, ma'am. - Dammit.

Do you want to step out of the car?

- I don't drink. - Can I see your license?

None of these people drink either--

I don't drink alcohol!

- I don't even drink, okay? - Okay.

I'm just out of the program, and I do not drink.

- Okay, th-this way. - Arms out.

You have a little bit of a camel-toe, miss.

I know! But I don't make these uniforms!

You're a little belligerent, ma'am.

I'm not belligerent! I'm angry.

I feel victimized! By you, blondie!

You smell like a winery.

That's because I had a cold, and I took something for it.

- You took some wine? - No.

I took a cough syrup tank.

Ma'am, you can get your purse

and go in there with the other drunks.

- Susan? - I'm not drunk I said--

Get your purse and go over here.

- Seize the vehicle. - No!

- Yes! - No!

Get her off, get her off, get her off, get her off!

Give me my car, you little [bleep].

- Get her off, get her off! - Do you want me to tase you?

- Thank you for your-- - We are getting a paddy wagon.

You are all going to go in the paddy wagon.

- . Hey! - No lights.

- Cowboy. Cowboy, over here. - Do not do that.

- Cowboy-- - Hey, hey, hey, hey! Get off!

- Get him! Get him! - Get off!

- Get him! - Get off!

- I got her. - You can't...

Hey! Hey! Get out of my pooper.

She went on my... She's got... Sir!

Son of a bitch.

- Alright. - You hold her.

- Get the big black guy! - Cuff this one!

- No! No! - Pinky!

I got her, I got her, I got her!

I saw Anita Franco last year.

In Madrid, Spain. She was wonderful!

Do you know Anita Franco?

I've heard, heard a couple of her tunes.

You have, have you? I-I thought as much.

She's a very talented entertainer.

Yes, she is, she's her own person

a-and God bless her for it, you know?

Frigging men!

them stupid men!

Ohh! I hate men.

I'm here because I'm a man

because of men and their laws!

I cannot be free!

I know what you're trying to do, Spanish Mike.

They told me what you did

and they told me how you charmed

and they told me how you flirt

and they told me how you s-sink into people's brains.

If few dozen words could have and my aunts had tits

my uncle would be my, whatever.

God, I hate jail! It sucks!

Okay, we're gonna start with our feet together

and we're gonna take our right hand

and we're gonna bring our right

our right hand to our nose, okay

and we're gonna go one, two

three, four.

Other hand, five, six

seven, eight.

Five, six, seven, eight

and one, two, three, four

five, six, seven, eight

Walk, two, three, four

booty, booty, shimmy up

and hip, hip, hip, hip

roller, six, seven, eight!

You've all passed your audition

and you're all goin' to jail!

Ho! Calm down!

- Hey, hey, hey! Hey, hey. - Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

Guys, guys, I need you for a second.

Unh-unh, lady. Hands off.

Have you guys ever been or done security

for a Ted Nugent concert before?

- No. No, sir. - No.

Alright, here are some of the rules.

Uh, don't ever look to the Nuge directly in the eye.

'Don't pull on the Nuge's hair.'

Don't pull out a wrist rocket and shoot him in the face

with a ball bearing, like happened in 1978 in Kansas City.

Alright? Don't do that!

If he wants to talk about hunting

specifically bow hunting

get interested, get real interested, okay?

- 'Yeah, whatever.' - Yeah, not whatever.

I need an affirmative on this.

- We got it. - Yeah, yeah.

- Guys, don't be a dick back... - We're not being a dick--

This is important. This could be a career move for you guys.

Do you own any Ted Nugent albums?

I do not have any Fred Nugent albums.

- It is Ted Nugent, sir. - Whatever. I don't have 'em.

If the Nuge aka Ted Nugent asks you after this concert

if you own some of his albums

'what do you think you might say then, dick?'

You might wanna say, "Uh, yes, sir, I love your work

and I have several of your vinyl albums at home."

He might not like your hairstyle.

You might be asked to lay it down.

I'm not laying down anything. Sir, I'm doin' my job.

When you've had respect for the Nuge, maybe later on.

Alright, wait, here he comes.

Alright, you two dumbasses, don't screw this up.

This is big-time, got it? This is the Nuge!

- . - .

'Lieutenant David, report to the front office.'

'Lieutenant David, to the front office, please.'

Mike?

Mike Alvarez... Holy [bleep].

How are you?

Not supposed to talk to ya.

Everyone has spoken to me.

You're not breaking any rules or anything, believe me.

It's all very relaxed here. It's all very...

At ease, officer, at ease...

- Okay. - What you guys got there?

9-millimeter?

Uh, yeah, we got a Beretta. Yeah.

- Is that a Beretta? - 'Yeah.'

How does that feel?

It-it's a pretty light gun, not much of a kick

just because it's got automatic action, but, uh...

- Pretty good firearm. - 'So half a pound?'

- Yeah, see? - Oh, that's nice.

See I filed it down a little bit.

That would be too big for my hand.

No. I don't think so. Yeah, okay.

Can I feel the weight of the thing?

Yeah, it's pretty good, right?

Yeah, but I can't... Oh, this is open here.

Just the weight. Now, you hold on to it.

No, I shouldn't do it 'cause I mean, you're a prisoner

and it's a gun, and, like, you know, that ain't really...

Put the safety on. Put the safety on.

- Make sure it's on. - Yeah, it's on.

Don't take the safety off though.

Feel the balance, balance it up on your finger there

and you could feel it just like perfectly align.

For a cheap gun, it's not bad.

No, it's a good gun. Listen, I took the safety off.

Nothing personal, open the door, please.

Took the bullets out!

- Now who's inside whose head? - 'I'm sorry?'

Gotcha! Gotcha!

- 'You took the bullets out?' - Yeah, bullets are outside.

- You took the bullets out? - Yeah.

There is no way I'd come in here with bullets. You think--

Touche, my friend. Nicely played, my friend.

- Gotcha. Gotcha. - You got me, you got me.

You son of a bitch!

- You son of a bitch! - Yeah. Yeah.

You ain't gonna get in my head, alright?

I'm just gonna tell you that straight up front. Alright?

I respect a strong black woman.

- Yes, you do. Hey-- - Can I tell you something?

No, don't tell me nothin' 'cause I'm gonna tell you something.

I'm gonna tell you that I am like them guards

that stand outside the queen's house

the ones, you know, with the big hat on?

People be sayin' stuff, and they just, boom.

I knew that about you. I always knew that about you, Williams.

- I always knew that about you. - Alight. Alright.

'What I was going to tell you was on my mother's side'

my grandmother's grandmother is from Ghana, Africa, so, I'm...

So you know I ain't playin' around.

I had a complete, I had a total scholarship

from Morehouse College when I was 21

but the, the man held me down!

Pssh, come on.

Right?

I'm just sayin'

when you do what you do the way you do it

you get respect.

Preach, my Nubian princess, preach! Oh!

That's what I'm talkin' about!

Give me a pound on it! Give me a pound on it!

You're so crazy!

'Uh, ca-can you let my hand go?'

Please?

Br-brother? Ha!

You're hurting my wrist.

There are many levels of pain.

You have just crossed into the welcome mat.

You have not even entered the door

walked down the hallway, and gone up the stairs

to visit the VIP rooms.

Come on! For real! I'm--

- This is foolish. - Hey!

Oh, now you... Tsk.

If you're going to yell...

Sheriff's Department!

- 'Hey, Terry.' - Hi!

- 'How's it goin' tonight?' - Hi.

Madames, seriously, take a walk.

- 'We need a minute.' - 'Oh, what's happening?'

Bye, you guys. I'll see you at the party.

- Terry... - What's going on?

What's going on is that apparently you've been doing...

...people's taxes.

"Terry Bernardino, certified public accountant?"

'That's me. At your service.'

Why? Do you want to do your taxes?

When did you get your CPA?

- What's that? - Oh, my God, will you stop--

Oh, is that the thing where somebody can't breathe

and you give 'em CPA?

Whatever, I'll stop. I'll just go back to being a doctor.

How did you even start doing people's taxes, Terry?

Um, some guy who was not my boyfriend for a while

uh, said he wanted me to look at his taxes, and I was like

maybe I will, maybe I won't, and he punched me in the face.

- So I was like, alright-- - So you're the victim?

This is a, this is a Terry story...

- Hey, Trudy-- - Oh, God, there he goes again.

Trudy, it's amazing, this, in this, in this

part of Terry's life, Terry's the victim

as opposed to, as opposed to, as opposed to every other time.

This time, you're the victim.

If I recall, the last time Terry was a victim

was when he was giving pap smears in the back of his van.

- Yeah. Remember that? - And somehow he was a victim.

'Cause the lady clamped down on him.

Yeah!

She... kicked me in the face.

- Come on, Terry. - Stop.

That's a curb there. I can't go over it.

- You can't go over it? - No.

I'll fall, and hurt myself.

Terry, I like you. I like... I-I used to like you.

Thank you.

'What?'

I was in there, you know

I had to take my shift guarding him

and I could not help feeling like

"I want to take off my panties."

I could not shake the feeling of that

and then when my shift was over, I had to go pee

my panties were gone.

- Huh? - Like lost time, like UFOs.

Did you lose time? Did you check your watch?

I don't know.

Now, unless, unless I just left and forgot to put something on

but I am 99 percent sure that I did.

You-you...

- Oh... no. - 'Mm-hmm.'

- No. - Let's go.

- Come on. - I don't want to go.

- Let's go. Come on, get in. - You can't make me!

You can't make me!

- Little paperwork for you. - He's all yours.

Sign the release form right there.

"Dangle. Reno, Sheriff's Department."

The DOJ thanks you, I wouldn't be surprised

if, uh, your department gets a commendation.

The score at...

- One-nothing. - One-nothing, yeah!

Hey, [bleep], no parking here.

'Yeah, t-that's the, that's the Sheriff's Department only.'

I'm sorry. This isn't the area for, uh, prisoner pick up?

It happens to be, yes.

Dynamite, I'm Agent Bruce Padule

here for a 469 pick up of aka Alverez.

You're who for what?

Agent Bruce Padule, I'm sorry about that. 469 pick up.

Oh, you're with the FBI.

- Here's my license. - And you're here to...

Supermarket club card, pick up Alverez

if you need another form, that's a credit card

'with a picture on it.'

- 'We're from the FBI--' - Yeah, I... Yeah.

Um...

The other... fellows...

- I'll give you that... - Absolutely.

- And then... - Is there a problem?

'No, siree...'

- Here's the thing. - Yep.

He's being deloused.

I'm not gonna-- We don't come down to imagine things.

- Yeah. - We can't come out to crime--

It's a-it's a raping of verisimilitude.

It's a verisimilitude rape.

Oh, here's, here's our [bleep] thesaurus.

Alright, what are we looking up?

- Anachronism first. - Anachronism.

- I don't... - Ver-vermillis you said, sir?

- Vermillion? - Vermiliatude?

Isn't it that band that was like Rush?

Did you have a druid say invisibility chant on that

because...

- Oh. - Oh, oh, oh!

Now, you're, now, you're pissing me off!

Now, you're pissing me off, tubby!