Original subtitles

Okay, so we're outside the ladies' locker room here

uh, and we're gonna do something that we do every year.

It's the deputy panty raid.

And, uh, it's just for fun. We're gonna--

- It's more for them than for-- - It really is. These are...

- It boosts up their morale. - Yeah. These are older ladies.

We don't really care what their panties look like, but it--

- It makes them feel better. - Yeah, it does.

So, here we go with the deputy panty raid.

Ready? Three, two, one.

Panty raid! Panty raid!

Panty raid! Panty raid! Panty raid!

Panty raid! Panty raid! Panty raid! Panty raid!

- Oh, hey, gang. - 'Oh, God!'

It's panty raid time again?

Just go, go, go, go, go, go, go.

- What the hell? - Go, go, go.

Could someone help me check my [bleep]?

- 'Come on, man. She tricked me!' - 'Where's your trick?'

Pow!

- I got it. - Whoa!

- Whoa! - Oh, oh!

Get back in the building! No loitering!

Aah!

'Okay!'

Please pay attention

to, uh, motivational speaker Mr. Jeff George.

Mr. George!

. Come on, people. Come on.

- 'Good morning, everyone.' - 'Good morning.'

Ladies and gentlemen of the Reno Sheriff's Department

'you people, as a force'

as a community, as a group

have an opportunity.

'And that is why I am here today.'

'That is why Lieutenant Jimmy Dangle'

'asked me to speak to you.'

'Let's look at the facts!'

Currently, we are at cold fault on the daughter board

and the daisy wheel is just about to crash.

And all you people do is sit around and gritch.

'I ask you, does the belt not go through all the loops?'

You all see yourselves as brilliant little pebbles

just waiting for your code word.

'Well, what if your code word doesn't come, huh?'

Uh-hah!

Are you gonna sit around in your cruiser and wind up

as ejected from somebody's crazy physics package?

'Watch commander to the bridge.'

'One simple question.'

Who the hell hit the chicken switch, huh?

Who the hell hit the chicken switch?

'Garcia, you haven't been'

'pounding the bricks here in Reno'

'to buy Johnson a suit, or Jones a dress, have you?'

- No, sir. No, sir. - 'I did not think so.'

Because you are not anybody's meat puppet.

Say that with me.

I am not anybody's meat puppet!

I am not anybody's meat puppet!

I am not anybody's meat puppet.

Officers, hands in. Hands into the center there.

On three, Reno! Reno! Reno!

Reno! Reno! Reno!

Thank you very much. Thank you.

I have no [bleep] idea what it is we're supposed to do.

'Are we in trouble?'

I'm not a meat puppet or a bean--

I don't know. I got him off the Internet.

The whole motivational speech was only $15.

- Oh. Wow. - That was good for $15.

- Yeah. - Yeah.

- Sheriff's department! - What do we got?

In the back. In the back.

- Welcome to our homicide. - In the back?

In the back. You're not gonna like what you see.

'Brace yourself.'

- Oh. - Oh!

'Oh, dear.'

- 'Another one.' - 'Oh, dear.'

'Did you get a shot of this?'

'Yeah. I could use another one, though.'

'They keep comin' out all black.'

Get another clear shot of that. Good God, right in the spine.

You know what I think it is, Jim?

I think somebody got stabbed in the back.

That's what I think. I don't wanna jump to conclusions--

- Thanks, Trudy. - 'Wow.'

- Oh. - Oh.

'Oh, great. Rick.'

Hi, Rick.

'We don't need you, Rick. We're all over it.'

'We don't need the citizen's patrol.'

I tell you... For...

I don't take kindly to, uh

citizens taking it upon themselves to enforce the law.

Neighborhood watch, all them fellas.

Citizen's patrol, horse apples.

If it was easy to be good at law enforcement

wouldn't we be?

- Think about it. - Think about that.

- Think about it. - Put that in your little beret.

So, you can take your beret and your cape

and go back to your mom's, okay?

- Hi. - Oh, you missed what I said.

Come here, help us out.

Lookie.

- Missing cash register. - Ah! Son of a bitch!

Cash register's missing.

- Kimball! - 'I'm on it. On it.'

'Photo! Right here. There's blood around.'

Probably from the 90's, out of New York.

Steel national cash register.

Do you want a Lozenge or something? Are you okay?

No, no, it's just another flare-up.

I've got some throat cold.

If you stop talking like that, your voice--

- So if you don't want it now-- - I appreciate it.

But I'm gonna go.

- I wish you'd take it. - Thank you very much.

You'll take it, but you'll not gonna use it.

Your wish has come true, I'm taking it.

- This is a blond hair. - Blond hair!

Blond hair! Did you see that?

- 'You guys missed everything.' - Let me see that.

- That's a wig hair. - 'It's a wig hair.'

That's a la... What have we got? What have we got?

It's all written in Thai.

Right. Right.

Oh.

Is it important? Does it say something?

No, it's just something funny.

Hey, here's, here's a deal.

Here's a deal.

- We don't need your help. - 'No.'

- I understand. - We don't need it.

We would figure everything you tell us

all the, the help you give us

we will eventually figure out, okay?

What? What was I looking at? What are you looking at?

- What did he see? - 'What do you see?'

Nothing. No, I thought I saw something, but I didn't.

- 'No, you saw something.' - I didn't. No, I didn't.

I got to run.

You ought to consider calling a paramedic. He's still alive.

Oh, my God! He's still alive, people!

People!

- How did we miss that? - 'God!'

- 'He's not okay.' - 'You want some water, sir?'

- 'Sir, do you want some water?' - He's obviously unconscious.

Oh, [bleep]. I wish Rick was still here.

Man, what took you guys so long?

- Hurry up! - 'What's the problem, sir?'

The problem is, man, I'm a hip-hop producer.

Someone stole all my tapes last night, my original tapes.

Man, I laid down some fresh tracks

somebody stole it last night, in the middle of the night.

- Did you see the person? - 'No, man, it was night.'

How am I gonna see him, man?

Yeah, man, I got really high last night

and passed out, and someone got into my place--

Alright, wait, back up just a, back up just a second.

Yeah?

"I got really high last night."

That's right. Well, I get really high every night.

But really high last night

'cause I ate a lot of it, too, accidentally.

'Man, I made a list of all the songs.'

Well, I'd love to hear "Cops will never catch me."

Look at this. "[bleep] the pigs."

- Yeah. - "[bleep] the fuzz."

I bet you'd like that a lot, wouldn't you?

- There's some good stuff-- - Sir, you didn't realize...

You're gonna end up being a lyric in one of my new songs!

- Alright! That's it! - Kimball!

Friday night, and I'm broke again.

Boy, I really need to turn my life around.

Is your life going nowhere fast?

Why not enroll now in Reno's Sheriff's Academy?

The Reno Sheriff's Department needs you.

What if I told you I had a criminal record?

How many times do I got to say it?

The Reno Sheriff's Department needs you.

Anyone can apply.

Even if you've been convicted of burglary

arson, petty theft, petty larceny

trafficking, B and E, DUI.

Anything up to, and including third degree manslaughter.

You have the right to remain silent

because I'm already convinced.

So, if you're tired of sitting in the back of the squad car

and ready to try out the driver's seat...

Sign up today!

So, you gonna help me out with that loan?

'No. I loaned you last month.'

I know, but I'm a little short.

'Deputy Garcia, Jackie Martino' is here to see you.

'Deputy Garcia, Jackie Martino's at the front desk.'

Can I help you?

'Hi.'

- 'Hello.' - Do you remember me?

'Uh...'

I'm Jackie, the hooker from Fourth Street.

- Oh! Hey! - Yeah, hi!

Jackie, how are you? Look at you.

- It's so nice to see you. - It's nice to see you, too.

Thank you for everything that you did for me

because all the help that you gave me by stopping by

and showing me that you cared really turned my life around.

- I'm not a hooker anymore. - That's good.

All of my scabs have pretty much cleared up.

And I'm a telemarketer now.

So, I just wanted to say thanks for being so great.

You're welcome.

Well, I, uh, I tell you

uh, it makes me feel good, tickles the heart strings

to, to know that things, uh, that we do

actually matter in people's lives and...

- Aah! - Gotcha!

Oh! Ow! Man!

She threw hot coffee in my face!

- Where'd she go? - Oh, get a rag.

- Call somebody. - Where'd the phone go?

I don't know! Use your own damn radio!

Son of a bitch!

- Mornin'. Whoa! - 'We got somethin'.'

'We don't know what.'

Somebody did something to someone. I don't know.

Blood all over.

Yeah, there's blood everywhere.

- Marked it off. - Any witnesses?

Nobody, nobody here. Hey, hello!

'Should I taste it? Be sure it's blood.'

- No, it is blood. - Uh-oh.

Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim.

We walk around here. Hi.

- Hey, Rick! - Rick?

Rick!

- How are you, Dingle? - Uh, Dangle!

- And it's lieutenant. - Excuse me.

- Thank you. - Deputy.

And we've got everything under control.

We do not need the help of the citizen's patrol.

Thank you very much. We got this one.

Alright, well...

- 'This is a crime scene, Rick.' - Okay.

Hey, there's a gum wrapper.

- What? Oh, my God! - 'Aah!'

'Oh, [bleep]. Oh, my God!'

- You guys! Did you see this? - Way to go, guys.

- What happened? - 'There's a body.'

- Oh! - I don't need your help.

I don't want your help.

I never want your help, Rick.

Cash register's missing.

- Cash register's missing. - Fudge!

Yeah, it'd be here next to the thing.

- Yeah, right. - Thank you very much.

It used to be manufactured between '65 and '75

out of Chicago.

Don't talk to Joe. Don't tell things to Joe.

- I do that. - Oh, I didn't know.

- That's my bit. - Sorry, I didn't know.

No, I'm the lieutenant. This is my crime scene.

I'm not mad. Okay, thank you for your help.

- Alright. - Okay.

We might want to look into this, though.

This was in the victim's hand.

It's a receipt for a to-go order.

"Fenab Pulciri."

- 'Oh, my God.' - Oh, my God.

That could be the guy who did the crime.

Well, yeah.

Came in, ordered take-out

forgot that he left the receipt.

And then the "Ah!" And the cash register.

And son of a bitch! Out the door.

- Bingo, bingo. - 'Okay.'

We really, really don't need your help anymore.

I'm gonna go down to the Thai Market down the street

see if I can find the guy.

Son of a bitch, no.

Let's see who gets there first.

No, no, no, no, no. Son of a bitch. No, no.

- See you at the Thai Market. - 'Son of a bitch.'

'"Don't let Rick solve this first"'

is my basic, my general directive.

Let's "Us solve it," okay?

I don't want the citizen's patrol

to solve another crime, okay?

'Cause it makes us look like douchebags.

You see that? You read that? Can you read that?

That's what I [bleep] do.

We got a message to all you vigilante-wannabes out there.

We don't need your [bleep] help.

Stay indoors, watch your "Wheel of Fortune"

bring your mom dinner, go to sleep.

We have patches.

Um, just a little reminder about the water shortage

here in Reno, okay?

'Uh, you know, this is a perfect opportunity'

to just tell you, if you don't need to shower, don't, okay?

My mom introduced me to something called the PTA

and afterwards I'll tell you what that means in private.

'Stink a little, save a river.'

Thank you, Principal Linkerville.

'Uh, hi, kids, uh, children.'

Deputy Jones and I, uh, I'm Deputy James Garcia

would like to talk to you kids about self-defense, okay?

Uh, not only here in school

but what might happen after school

in your surrounding neighborhoods.

Uh, let's say for example

you children got a good report card.

Somebody got a "C+" or a "B-"

they're all excited to run home and tell mom and dad.

And you're running down the sidewalk

and then all of a sudden, pow!

You run into a large, black man on PCP.

Wow, that's scary, isn't it?

'I'd be scared. You should be, too.'

- Okay? Now, all of a sudden-- - What are you talking?

Why large, black man on PCP?

Why... Just a man on PCP.

Well, the large, black man on PCP

is what you usually see on television, right, kids?

'So, now, normally, your tendency would be'

is to run and flee from the large, black man on PCP.

But what you want to try to do is go through him, okay?

'Cause it's in their nature to be violent already

but you add the PCP, and boy!

They're gonna go through the roof. Okay?

That's just something you don't wanna do.

So, you got your choices again.

You can either go through him or you can turn to flee.

Yeah. I will [bleep] you up.

Get the [bleep] back.

Big T., Terry Bear.

Hey, guys. What's up?

♪ What's up police? ♪

♪ What's up? ♪

Bo-beee-oooh!

What's goin' on?

How's life on the outside treating you, Terry?

On the outside of the restaurant?

Outside of the stir. Free from the pen.

- 'Feels good to be out?' - It's good. I love it.

Tastes good, doesn't it? Freedom tastes good.

It does taste good. I like freedom.

You know what else tastes good, Terry?

- 'What?' - Tacos.

Yeah, tacos are good.

Tacos and freedom. I want a freedom taco.

Drop the "Dom". Keep the "Free."

Keep the "Tacos." Do we understand each other?

"Free-cos?"

No, you dropped too much. Don't drop "Ta."

- Drop the D-O-M. - Just drop "Dom."

Keep "Ta."

- Keep... - Keep all of "Tacos".

Keep "Free", drop the...

We're talking about...

Terry, we just feel as servants

and protectors of the peace

we deserve a free taco every now and then.

And every now and then, is every time we come.

Yeah. No. I want a free taco, too. I wish they were free.

- That would be sweet. - Terry, you [bleep] work here.

You [bleep]!

We have to answer 911 calls and we'd like some free tacos.

We're asking for like $3 worth of free [bleep].

Forget it.

Hey, next time you call 911, be real patient.

Be real patient.

Here's you.

That's the exact same thing he just did.

'You didn't up the bar, you just did what he did.'

- Come on. - 'Goodnight.'

Let's try the [bleep] donut place.

Oh, he just threw a taco at me.

He just threw a [bleep] taco at me!

Freeze, mother[beep]!

Sheriff's department! Ho.

- How you doing? - It's about time.

How you doing, Carmen. What's-what's going on tonight?

Him. Get him out now.

'They do not have what I need.'

He's scaring away all my customers.

I have girls out here that need to be in there.

- 'Okay.' - Get him out!

They do not have what I need!

Okay, these girls don't have what you need?

They don't have what I need!

'I doubt that very much, sir. They're very good.'

- What are you asking for, sir? - 'What is it that you want?'

- They don't have it! - 'Okay, they don't have it.'

- They don't have what, sir? - The operative word is "It".

- What is it, sir? - Hey, guys. Sorry, I'm late.

I was taking a nap in the back of the squad car

I didn't know we were...

Oh, my God. What's going on?

- 'We found it.' - Yeah.

- 'Come on in, door's unlocked.' - What do we got?

- What do we got? - 'Oh! Whoa!'

Yeah, stolen merchandise, stolen radios, stolen TV's.

'The knives! Boom.'

- The very same knives. - 'Check it out.'

'Five knives missing.'

- You guys... - 'Oh, my God. Hello!'

- 'Hello!' - 'Yeah. Cash register.'

- Guys, big find, big find. - We did it!

And we beat the citizen's patrol for once, guys, huh?

Soup's hot. Spicy Thai soup.

'Son of a bitch!'

Yeah, I didn't wanna, I didn't wanna, you know

burst your bubble, but he got here right after we did.

Hey, Rick.

I'm not doing anything with that. It's just for evidence.

Oh, hey.

While you're working on that, I'm gonna run upstairs

and take a quick couple of photographs

of the evidence upstairs.

- I'll be right back-- - Oh, okay.

But we'll need to get our own photographs of that...

I'll glad to let you use my photographs, too.

No, we're gonna take our own photographs, right?

I didn't bring the camera. But, okay, don't...

Okay, then, I'll make a deal with you.

- I'd love to make a deal. - Are you okay, seriously?

Do you have a good doctor that you see?

Oh, I'm fine.

Like a good ear, nose, and throat guy

because you don't sound okay.

This is just kind of a seasonal allergy thing.

You know, the larynx swells up, and just--

Okay. We're gonna take credit for this one. Okay?

That's fine. That's fine. I like that idea.

Uh! I wish you wouldn't like that idea.

But we're gonna take credit for it, okay?

- I hate that idea. - Fine.

- Just, I prefer... - Oh, that steams me.

You're gonna take all the credit?

- Perfect, that's great. - Right on.

- Great. Good. That's a deal. - Alright.

I'm going upstairs, would you hold onto this for me?

Run upstairs, I'll be right back, alright?

Okay.

- 'Good guy.' - 'Very good guy.'

- Smart guy, good guy. - He's, you know, it's weird.

He's so freakin' smart sometimes...

I can't even...

'Like, I can't figure out how he figures things out.'

'Well, I can't even begin to figure out how he figures...'

'And he cooks really good.'

'I don't hear anything up there.'

Up where?

He said he was going upstairs.

There's no second floor.

This is a one-story house. We came in.

I saw from the window, there's no second floor.

- 'Are you sure?' - Yeah.

Rick!

'If there was a second story, there would be stairs.'

'Yeah, I know.'

'Hello. Um, hello.'

That's Rick. This is Rick's house, gang.

- 'Long gone.' - His knives, long gone.

That totally makes sense that he stole it and he knew--

No wonder he figured it out.

- He did it! - Not as smart as we thought.

Not smart at all. He did it.

Oh, [bleep]! Oh, my God!

Look, what I got. Look, what I got.

'Oh! His tape recorder!'

'Test, test, test, test.'

I'm not asking you to be a narc.

I'm not asking you to wear a wire.

We're not even asking you to keep your ear to the ground

or even necessarily tell us

about illegal things that you see.

I don't even wanna hear it, to be honest

'cause I kind of like eating here.

We just would like free tacos when we come by

because we feel like, as police officers

we deserve it.

All I want from you is a yes.

No.